Daniel Jarnax – Exceedingly Evil Shareholder
Sometimes, a shareholder really goes above and beyond.
Hello, friends, shareholders, and employees. Thank you all for taking the time to join me today. Yes it was mandatory, but it would have taken a lot longer to assemble all of you if you did not come so willingly. Today, we are here to talk about an exceptionally Evil shareholder, and to give The Exceedingly Evil Shareholder Award. Today, we are honoring Daniel Jarnax.
All of our employees and shareholders go above and beyond in the name of Evil, but some go so far above and beyond that they need to be recognized individually for the contributions they give to the Evil we do here.
Daniel almost single-handedly revived the Division of Hell Yeah Brother, that Division dedicated to the sickest stunts, the coolest rides, and the loudest music. When the division was looking for someone to test their newest rocket powered motorcycle, the Demonition, Daniel volunteered immediately. The rocket cycle itself featured a chrome skull with two long horns for handlebars. Two enormous rockets belched flames and loud rumbling noises out of the back. When revved, the rockets screamed with fire and fury. We tried to talk him down from ever stepping foot near it, let alone getting on top of it, but he was not to be deterred. All cameras were rolling. Flames lapped at his ankles as he rode the Demonition onto the drag strip. No one knew what was going to happen, but they all agreed that it was going to be fucking awesome. Daniel revved the engine lightly and the brakes on the motorcycle struggled to hold the unholy machine in place. Once all of the scientific test equipment was set up, he was given the go ahead. The crowd in the bleachers heard an extraordinary explosion and Daniel was gone. Fearing the worst, the scientists began looking for shrapnel, or viscera, or any other parts of the bike or Daniel, but they found none. Reviewing the footage from the ultra high speed cameras, they detected exactly one frame of movement in the forward direction before Daniel disappeared entirely. Everyone waited in awed silence for fifteen minutes before Daniel coasted back on the rocket cycle with an ice cream cart attached to the front. Not only had he survived, but it was sick as shit, and then there was ice cream for everyone. Each person in the crowd looked at another person in the crowd before giving that person a high five and yelling “Hell yeah, brother!” The Division of Hell Yeah, Brother was on its last legs until that day. That day, Daniel proved it was still viable, and much needed.
A few weeks later the Division of Extra Metal was missing something on a new, sick-ass recording of their house band Dooooooooooooooooooooooom. Everything was heavy. Everything was thick. The sound threatened to destroy your ears just for daring to listen to it. But something wasn’t there. After a long day of testing out motorcycles, Daniel strode into the division looking to listen in on the new Dooooooooooooooooooooooom recording. The engineers looked at him and shrugged. Everything was there, but something was amiss. Daniel listened for a moment. And then he listened again. And then he listened one more time. The engineers watched with bated breath unsure of what was about to happen. Then Daniel reached forward, grabbed the volume knob, and turned it up an extra notch. Now the music was almost certainly bad for anyone’s health as they listened, but it was the missing piece. The engineers started to bleed from the eyes. The captive good person test subject in the test chamber with a direct feed of the audio melted into a puddle of goo. They had a hit on their hands. Members of Dooooooooooooooooooooooom came out of the recording studio and thanked Daniel in person for saving their record.
The Division of Hill Bombing had developed a slope so steep, they feared no one could ride down it on any set of wheels and survive. That was until Daniel came down. He carried his longboard under one arm. It had a new magnetic flux drive that allowed it to stick to any surface and attain great speed on it. The members of the Division of Hill Bombing told him not to go. They said it was more dangerous than anyone could handle. It was almost a vertical slope, and it was really supposed to be more of a proof of concept than anything else. Daniel would not be deterred. He tipped the board over the edge of the sheer drop, gave everyone a thumbs up, and dove down. The longboard gripped to the vertical drop like it was nothing. Daniel’s feet never came off the board. He rode down nearly 500 feet of vertical drop before hitting the curve that ramped him back to level, before sending him into another ramp. At this point, his speed exceeded what the scientists expected to measure, but they assured me it was really fucking fast. He leapt off of the ramp, did at least eight backflips, landed perfectly on his wheels, and rode the last bit of momentum back to where the audience sat in the bleachers. Somehow, he towed an ice cream cart with him again. No one is sure where it came from, but everyone was happy to have the ice cream.
After a long day of bombing that incline and doing all of those backflips, Daniel then went to the Kakos Industries Animal Rescue and Cold Storage Facility to the Daniel Jarnax Husky Wing. There, they take care of, raise, and breed some of the bitchenest dogs you’ve ever seen, each one Evil to the core, but in that endearing dog kind of way. Daniel then proceeded to play fetch with each and every one of those dogs. There are hundreds.
It is now my honor to award Daniel this Exceedingly Evil Shareholder Award. Thank you for all of your service to Evil and this great company, and may we experience many more years. Everyone, please join me in saying “Hell Yeah, Brother.”