99 – Control
in which Corin is given control, Meredith gets some shit done, Dunk and Jasmine get a little thirsty, and Nicc with two Cs “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is a tech review for many kinds of tiny tape cassettes.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we got all that Evil. All the Evil you could ever want. And we’re just putting it everywhere. Getting it all over. Putting it where you want it. Spreading it around. Because it’s our job. I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. My name is Corin Deeth III. If you didn’t know that, then there’s something wrong with you. I’m pretty memorable, I must say. People always remember me. They can pick me out of a crowd, and sometimes out of a lineup. If you don’t know who I am, then I’m very sorry. Your memory must be so badly damaged that only we could have done the damage. It’s really our fault. We can’t blame you. We will, but technically we can’t. Those of you who listened last time might be wondering what happened with the thieves and/or scavengers that found our Box of Talk. I unfortunately don’t have too much to share on that front. We got the box back. I don’t know what happened with the two people who called, but Mr. Zev said nothing and returned my gold brick clean. Either they cooperated, or Mr. Zev learned to wash a gold brick. I wanted to destroy the box, but I was advised against it. Instead, I have removed the ability to contact me from the device and I have also left a standing order not to allow any future devices to include my contact information by default.
To get this broadcast to you today, we’ve sent you a pair of FlyBuds, produced in conjunction with the Division of Airborne Pests and Mango Bango Computing Technologies. These FlyBuds work similarly to some earbuds you might have, wirelessly over bluetooth with no wire in between them. But unlike most other earbuds you know, these FlyBuds cannot be removed so easily. Go ahead. Try and remove them. They use the power of micropropellers and gyroscopes to levitate and return to your ears until you’ve heard everything we need you to hear. They will always return to your ears. They will make you hear. And they cannot be escaped. Until the end of the broadcast that is. So settle in. Get comfy. You’re not going anywhere for a while. Attempting to remove them will only drive them in deeper and we cannot be responsible for your negligence.
We recently had the Festival of Self Love. This is always an interesting time for us here at Kakos Industries. We never know quite how our employees and shareholders will respond. Obviously, self love can be a bit of a taboo subject in the general populace. These sentiments might stem back to needing to feel pure in the eyes of a deity, or perhaps the need to have your friends believe that you are spending those moments with another person, instead of alone. It is clear that having one’s sexual desires in check has been an important component for maturity and to be taken seriously in many societies. And for all of these same reasons, we hold this festival. To commit that taboo. In the past, we’ve had themes that asked participants to think about enemies and old lovers. We’ve asked people to go as deep into their psyches as they can, dredging up whatever lies at the deepest part of them. This year, the theme was 1990s music videos. If I had to guess, the purpose of this was to remind ourselves of who we were when we were younger, and to make peace with no longer being that person, or to visit a time we didn’t grow up in and experience it as an outsider. All of these are uncomfortable feelings. But it is also possible that the Division of Dionysia just had a momentary paraphilia that needed exploration, and its heart was somewhere in a boyband or girl group the better part of three decades ago. As always, all of you performed admirably. And yes, we were watching.
We also recently wrapped up Evil con. It was an intense experience as always. This year, we had a line for exclusive merchandise that could only be purchased at the convention like always, but the line could only be accessed with a wristband that could only be obtained from waiting in another line with another wristband that you got from yet another line. And that first line was actually just a big ring. It had no front or back, and there was no way for it to actually move. Occasionally, due to shifting weight, adjusting oneself, or making room to sit down, the line would seem to move, but it was an infinite loop. There were no wristbands. There was no merchandise. There was only time and misery. We also unveiled a lot of interesting new lasers, robots, monsters, and toys, but I’m sure you’ve seen all of those on the Internet by now. I only go for the lines, myself.
Soon we will have the CEO Festival of the Dance. Perhaps I am beginning to enjoy this event as a slapstick, physical comedy, interpretive dance, performance art satire of my job. Perhaps I can enjoy the fact that you all know me so well that you can broaden and draw attention to my smallest mannerisms. And I can of course appreciate that you are gambling with your lives to tell a joke at my expense, which is as noble an endeavor as any. The theme this year is profit.
Shareholders, something strange happened today. I’m not really sure what to make of it. I got into my office today and there was a note on my table reading “I’ve got some things to take care of today, please cover for me.” Then it is signed Melantha Murther, and there appears to be a kiss on the paper with her brand of lipstick. Although it doesn’t look like a mouth. Shareholders, this is a strange thing to happen. I don’t know how many people need to be out of commission for me to end up in control of my competitor’s company. To start with, I thought it was a joke, so I ignored it. Then, one of Melantha’s agents appeared and they have been following me ever since. I know that this individual is one of Melantha’s because they are aggressively nude. I wasn’t sure that was a thing, but here they are in front of me. This person has a strongly androgynous appearance, and they have refused to tell me how to refer to them. No name, no job title, no nothing. They’ve been putting little strips of paper on my desk with important decisions to be made. The strips of paper also feature yes and no check boxes on them. I really don’t know what to make of this. You know what, actually, I’m going to call Melantha and make sure this is her.
(Sounds of a battle throughout)
Melantha: Hello? Ha! Ho. Ow! (sword fighting sounds) I’m very busy. Please make it quick.
Corin: It’s Corin.
Melantha: Ah. How are things going with my company?
Corin: You really left me in charge of your company? I’m your biggest competitor. This makes no sense.
Melantha: It makes more sense than you think.
Corin: I’m really in charge?
Melantha: Ha. Ha. Haa. Yep. Ha. Ha. Hoooo! (a loud clanging sound).
Corin: Okay, Agent of Melantha’s, please send all of your best employees to Kakos Industries, and then destroy your own company.
Melantha: That won’t work. Just die already!
Corin: Why do you want me to die? I’m in charge of your company.
Melantha: Not you. Never mind. You only have control in the form of yes or no questions on those pieces of paper. You can’t give commands. I’ll kill you and your whole family!
Corin: What are you doing?
Melantha: It doesn’t matter. Just check the boxes.
Corin: What if I do it intentionally wrong.
Melantha: Yeah, good luck with that. I really have to go, Corin. Use your best judgment. Or don’t. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on! Your horse is dead already? Then just fuck you!
Okay, Shareholders, I’ve got a few decisions to make in front of me. This could be fun. Hopefully, I can sabotage her for years to come. First decision: Should we purchase 10,000 DeepDark Opals? Shareholders. I don’t know what a DeepDark Opal is. Soundman, can you send Grace a text? She already texted you? She doesn’t know? Then I think they should waste their money on these opals. Yes. Or are the opals helpful? Are they useful? The agent has taken the piece of paper. I didn’t even get the price of the opals. This may be harder than I expected. The next sheet says, “Should we?” I don’t know what it’s referring to. No, you should not. Alright, the last one in front of me. It just says “Fuzz?” That sounds like a personal question. How would I know what effect pedals are best on your pedalboard. Eenie meenie, that one. Well, I hope I’m doing a just terrible job.
That Damnation and Ruination Squad member that couldn’t help but stick out from being just so great in every way is out of the hospital and beginning to adjust to normal society again. It can’t be an easy transition. We’ve started small. We have given this person a name. It’s not specific, and shouldn’t shock this person’s system with too much identity all at once. Gray. Like the tone in between black and white. A nice, neutral name. Kimzzzzzzzzzz has been monitoring the situation from afar. She also came out with a new decree. Only having a first name is sexy now. There have been lots of name changes submitted to the company. Some have taken to calling me only Deeth as a sign of respect. I’m just going to leave all of this paperwork unprocessed for now and probably just destroy it when people come to their senses.
Okay. Got a question from Melantha’s team. Should they invade Balsash. Where the hell is Balsash? No. Don’t invade. I guess.
After getting very drunk for a week straight, Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Aashna have decided not to worry about what is definitely sex, and just focus on what is most sex again in a more metaphorical sense. So far, it looks like they think it might be “When you just lose yourself.” But they’ve been having trouble losing themselves after all of this stress. It appears as though they thought they knew sex, but after a few unsettling thoughts, they now believe they know so much less than they used to. Even their test subjects have been having trouble losing themselves in a sexual moment. I think being watched might have something to do with it, although it might also just be the test subjects they’re using. Perhaps they will have better luck with naturally more open individuals. I don’t know. All I know is that they have both taken me out for drinks recently with what I suspect to be an ulterior motive. First of all, why me? I’m the CEO here. I’m not some rando to experiment on. I know they like to keep me updated, but come on. Even if it is somewhat tempting. They are perhaps the only two people I know of who are definitely not Tabithas.
Speaking of Tabithas, I’ve apparently lost track of all of them. The ones that don’t actually do any work that usually hang out in the room just before my office have been missing. Even the other Tabithas I used to see everywhere are missing. I saw one at a distance the other day, but as I approached her, she had completely disappeared. Something is up. Perhaps they know that I am looking for them. But if they value their secrecy, why now all of a sudden? Why disappear when I get close? Why invite me to sit down at their meeting only to close up shop? I’ve found a couple of interesting new shortcuts through the building anyway.
Alright. I’ve got a new question here from Melantha’s team. Should they sell their DeepDark Opals now? I guess so. It hasn’t been long enough. Maybe I can wipe out any potential benefit that I did.
The Division of Extra Science scienced those floppy disks that the Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To found to dust. There wasn’t anything we needed on them, I am confident. They can’t even store that much. The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To then opened a lunchbox that had apparently incubated the worst mold of all time over the last forty years, which made a ton of people sick. It was the kind of mold that killed other molds for fun. The kind of mold that once made a meal of tuna fish, but then ate only the cells of its weakest siblings. For generations. We’ve captured it for research purposes and changed all of the air filters in the building.
Dana Govern was caught on camera recently doing something incredibly weird. Well, it;s just breakdancing, but she’s been doing it at odd times. Perhaps she is gearing up for the CEO Festival of the Dance. It is strange though. Our scientists are watching her closely and reviewing the footage of her dancing to see if anything strange has happened. All of those genes must be doing something in there. She’s really good.
Let’s see here. Another question. Should Melantha’s company do what hurts or do what is easy? Well, what hurts. Obviously. Or… wait. Fuck.
All of the light around where Meredith Gorgoro was meditating went out for weeks. It was as dark as can be. All we could hear were horrible sounds. Clanging metal. Gnashing teeth. Screams of fear and pain in every imaginable monstrous register. Sounds of blood and gore. Sounds of death. When our drones attempted to shine a light, they were destroyed quickly by something unseen. And then after those weeks of darkness and terrifying sounds, there was an eruption of fire and light. The first image any of our drones could catch was Meredith standing beside this fire, staring into it calmly. Then when the drones got closer, we could see that there were monsters in the fire. Armies, by the looks of it. Huge monsters. Frightening creatures. All manners of appendage. Dead and burning. And then just like that, she returned to the labor camp there in Hell, where all of this began. She waited. For days. And then, they came. Monsters of all kinds approached Meredith. They had offerings of all kinds. Jewelry. Robes. Sculptures made of bone. And they had paperwork. Meredith took her enormous monster arm, cut the abdomen of a monster, and then used that bloody nail to sign what we now know was a treaty. Monsters will never again invade the Hell labor camp. Monsters will not harm humans at all within sight of the camp. And humans will only settle the caverns beyond at their own risk. There are also some references to continued offerings and restitution paid directly to Meredith. But Hell is ours once again. And it only took killing every single ruler of the various monster nations. We offered Meredith some well-earned time off, some nice vacation packages, and even some jobs elsewhere in the company, but she said no. She can’t leave now. Hell is her home. It is the only place she belongs. We’ll begin sending her new workers soon enough. Those rocks aren’t going to move themselves.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad are now wearing scale mail made from chips of vinyl records. I am told their wailing and shrieking has a warmer tone to it now.
They say that Evil once chartered a hot air balloon just to show everyone on Earth its butt cheeks. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for metals, semi-metals, and the rising tide of convincing enough artificial intelligence that will bury reality under mountains of algorithmically generated noise soon enough.
Nicc, but with two Cs has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Nicc’s nemesis will have their life ruined in some dastardly manner. The name of that nemesis is Floyd Singh Superpower. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a dastardly amount of force and it arrived on the space for unintelligible. From this day forward, everything Floyd says will be 38% less intelligible. It’ll be like that idea you have in the shower, or when you’re really high, that kind of blows your mind, but when you look at it the next day, you’re like what was this supposed to mean. Or worse, it’s just boring. For Evil measure, Nicc with two Cs will be 3% more intelligible, conveying meaning that Nicc never intended. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
Alright shareholders, I’ve got a few more decisions to make in front of me. This one asks “Should we send 10,000 pounds to West?” No. Fuck West. Or did I just unfuck West? Okay. “Should we send that email?” Yes. I hate having email drafts left in my outbox. Okay, the agent just collected all of the papers and left.
<Corin’s Phone Rings>
Melantha: It’s done. I’ve defeated all of the other board members once again and secured my place atop the corporate command here at <awful noise>. Thank you for taking the company. I couldn’t leave it to the other board members for obvious reasons, and I never know which employees have a faction affiliation.
Corin: So you handed it to me?
Melantha: I knew you would do your best to sabotage things no matter what. That’s better than all of the ulterior motives. You understand.
Corin: I certainly did my best to sabotage you, it’s true. It wasn’t easy, though.
Melantha: That’s okay, Those decisions probably didn’t matter anyway. The board just likes to test my reflexes. They like to see if I can make decisions while I beat the living crap out of them. And I did. One of the decisions was to delegate the other decisions to an impartial third party. And you did not hesitate to decide in every case. That’s exactly what I needed.
Corin: Well, almost every case. I kept one.
Melantha: What does it say? I’ll decide it right now.
Corin: No, I think I’ll keep it as a memento.
Melantha: You piece of shit. Tell me what it says. It has to be decided.
Corin: No. I’m just going to put it away.
Melantha: It doesn’t even exist, does it? You’re just trying to save face. I fooled you into doing exactly what I wanted and now you’re embarrassed.
Corin: I guess we’ll never know. Until your board decides to usurp you. I’ve been there. It’s not fun.
Melantha: Goodbye, Corin. See if I take care of your company when you leave it to me.
Corin: Probably not gonna do that ever. Goodbye.
Well, shareholders, I certainly hope some of those decisions actually screwed things up.
This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Your FlyBuds will self-destruct soon, so be sure to get them out of your ears now. They will hopefully be a bit more cooperative this time, but accidents happen. A heavy glass tumbler should be enough to keep them contained, but you will then want to move away. The numbers are next.
Credits: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the plant based alternative. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Leah Tedesco and Jack Attack. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who caught the precious cactus before it could hit the ground, Chax Richter, who plugged the hole in the bounce house with a finger for hours, and Chris Leclerc, who made everybody smoothies the other day. That was super nice. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, and Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has left enormous flowers of yarn and wire everywhere. Finishing with that, they have begun working on knitting an entire forest. We’re not sure there’s enough wool in the world. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology killed so much algae. Ordinarily, no one would think twice about killing algae, but they killed so much it became a concern. We’ve requested that they stick to observing living microflora and fauna just for now. The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying has been trying to cross over. You know, to the other side. We’ve been keeping an eye on them, but we may have lost one already. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has found an old brain scanner from back in the experimental LSD days. Some say you can trip really hard just from licking the thing. It’s not so great at scanning brains, though. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try making lemonade. This isn’t a metaphor. Lemonade is great!