98 – Box of Talk
in which Corin gets a strange call, Meredith takes a break, the damnation and ruination squad rolls around, Kimzzzzzzzzzz’s romantic life gets more complicated, and Tayla the Nayla “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is a reminder to drink some water if you haven’t in a while. And then something about Evil.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and pretty much everyone else, wittingly or unwittingly, to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, and I am the CEO here at Kakos Industries. If you’re surprised to be hearing any of those words, then you may not yet be a shareholder. That– that will change.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a crazy new firework we’re testing out. It’s one of those that spins and makes noise. Except instead of a high pitch whistling sound, you get the sound of my voice. I am told this firework is called the Wretched Fetcher, and the actual production model will make a sound so heinous that no one within two hundred feet will be able to stay nearby it without massive damage to the ears and the psyche. It comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Boom and Consumer Explosives, one of our clients. This device came pre-lit in through your incoming projectiles window. By now, you have shielded your eyes from it’s fiery brightness, and you have likely put out several small fires that it has produced in the space around you. It’s really a great product and I’m super excited for it’s wider release. If you’re not a shareholder, then I’m not sure your fear responses have been properly calibrated. You shouldn’t be so curious, and you shouldn’t move any closer to this device. It’s lights should not lure you in. The sound of my voice should not excite you. And when you are too close, it will be too late. The device will explode. If you survive, whatever is left of you will be a shareholder. If you do not, then it was lovely intersecting with your life, even just for a brief moment.
Shareholders, we recently had the Festival of Innovation. As always, we built an arena of sorts in the middle of nowhere so as to keep the unintended damage limited. We probably should have known that when we gave them the theme of spheres that we were going to get some weird shit. Giant Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face showed up with two enormous spheres held together by a strip of fabric in the middle. I believe that these spheres were intended to be giant ass cheeks, which are rarely spherical in my experience. Thorgonus Imports brought what we believe to be an enormous robotic, spherical representation of some aspect of their sexual anatomy, but I’m not familiar enough with their junk to know for sure. It was like three smaller spheres under a really big sphere. It rolled around on the smaller spheres, which do not touch one another. And then there was Byron Detrimentals, which brought in a big spherical human breast robot. I think we all know that those are rarely spherical. It also had a nipple on each side. Having set only one rule for this event, and that being that the entries were supposed to include or be related to spheres, we weren’t sure what to expect after the unveiling of these strange robots. The Giant Ass Robot started to bounce in place. The Thorgonus organ started to press itself into the ground in what many of us assumed was supposed to be a sexual fashion. We weren’t really sure, though. I mean, Thorgonus stuff is really complicated. And the Byron Breast leapt into the air before smashing into the other robots. The rest was pretty much how you’d expect. They made big sexual spheres and then crashed them into each other until they were pieces on the ground. I caught up with some of the engineers and asked them why they had opted not to emulate human testicles, seeing as they had done everything else. The answer: Those aren’t spherical, dummy.
We had the Festival of Quiet Evils in that one moment about a week ago when you thought everything might be okay for a second. It was, of course, a fleeting feeling, but we are glad that you had it. That means that you celebrated. And the returning feeling of dread was your renewed commitment to Evil. Thank you.
Coming up, we have the Celebration of Self Love, that yearly event that invites all of us to become one with ourselves, to dive in deeper than ever before, to find something we never expected to find, and to be completely disgusted with ourselves as a result. Get ready.
And we’re also looking forward to Evil Con. It’s going to be inhumane, as always.
Shareholders, it has been brought to my attention that we at Kakos Industries have created something truly brilliant. A giant leap forward in technology. The scientists are calling it the Box of Talk, and it will allow anyone in control of the device to talk to anyone else in the world and possibly further, provided they have the appropriate coordinates. They tell me that it uses entanglement to work. They did not say what kind of entanglement, quantum or otherwise. I got to see the prototype recently and I was amazed. There were only a few coordinates included in the documentation they gave me. The front desk here. Junior. Gary Vicary, our designated test subject for things like this. And of course me. But I didn’t call myself. That would not have been a very good use of my time and it would have demonstrated nothing. I called Junior, surprising him during a private moment. Honestly I’m not sure what isn’t a private moment for him. I called the front desk and reprimanded them about something. I can’t remember what. I think I made it up whatever it was. And I called Gary to ask if his refrigerator was running. It was all very impressive. Apparently, none of these people had to answer a phone, or anything like that. My voice just started to speak to them from seemingly nowhere, though anyone nearby could also hear. The device itself is kind of a big box with an older fashioned payphone phone on the end of one of those curly wires they used to have. I imagine that the technology will get better as time goes on and it will become sleeker and sexier. The applications for this are endless. We could use it for advertising. We could have used it to deliver this broadcast even. If we still had it. That’s right, we lost it, because obviously we did. It’s only a machine that has the potential to annoy me at any time at all, so it went missing. I’m just waiting for Melantha or another competitor to start blaring music into the receiver only to interrupt my broadcast or thoughts. Fortunately, connections can only be maintained for a few minutes at most before the device has to recalibrate, but that may not always be the case.
Davey: Hey, uh, is this Corin Deeth?
(Corin sighs heavily)
Corin: Yes. And just who is reaching out to me?
Stevey: Uh, hey, we’re asking the questions here, okay?
Davey: We got your box, Corin.
Stevey: We got your interdimensional alien communication space box.
Davey: Stevey, what did I tell you about bringing your theories into this? Play it cool, man.
Stevey: We got your box. With the phone thingy on it.
Corin: I don’t think I recognize your voices.
Davey: You don’t know us, man. And you don’t want to know us.
Stevey: We’re crazy, man. And dangerous. You don’t want to know us.
Corin: I think we agree there. If I don’t recognize your voices, that means that you’re not the usual players.
Davey: Oh, we’re players.
Stevey: Big time players.
Davey: High rollers.
Stevey: Big shots.
Davey: Guys you don’t wanna mess with, Corin.
Corin: How did you get the box?
Stevey: We found it, man!
Davey: Don’t tell him that. We stole it. Right from under your nose, too. We’re elite criminals. Guys you don’t mess with.
Stevey: Yeah. We nabbed it and you didn’t even notice. That’s how good we are.
Corin: So where did you find it?
Stevey: It was on top of a car on the street. In a cardboard box.
Davey: Stevey, what the hell.
Stevey: It was where you left it, man. Deep in an alien space interdimensional vault under the Earth’s crusts. We snuck in there past all the lasers and guards and enormous reptiles and just took it. ‘Cause we’re that good.
Davey: We’re real good.
Corin: I have the loss report here. And now I’m thinking it was totally falsified. So, one of my employees took it home to work on, but they stopped somewhere, maybe a taco restaurant, and they left the box on top of their car while they were inside eating.
Stevey: Montibertos. It’s a great spot.
Davey: Best 4AM California Burro. But that’s not where we got it, man. It was in your building.
Corin: And what building is that?
Stevey: Cactus Injuries.
Davey: Cucco’s Energies.
Stevey: The sticker rubbed off a little.
Davey: And the other man we spoke to didn’t speak that clearly.
Corin: That would be Tom. He works at the front desk. He just got his braces adjusted. Let that be a lesson to you, Tom. I can think you’re a moron and terrible at your job, but you’re my employee and I still take the time to know what’s going on in your life. So you two called the front desk first.
Davey: They said to talk to you, man. They said you’d want this box back. And we want to give it back to you.
Stevey: For a price, man.
Davey: Yeah, you gotta make it worth our while, man.
Corin: How much do you want?
Stevey: A billion dollars.
Davey: What is wrong with you, Stevey? They’re not going to give us a billion dollars.
Stevey: Fifty bucks.
Davey: Shut up, Stevey. You’re messing this up.
Stevey: Sorry, Davey.
Davey: How much is it worth to you, man?
Corin: Right now, I would just love for you to destroy it.
Davey: So what you’re saying is you want it gone? How much is that worth to you?
Corin: No, that’s not… I don’t know. I’m sure we can find you something for your trouble, but it won’t be much.
Davey: That’s bull, man. You want it back so bad. You’re just playing dumb.
Stevey: Interdimensional alien space dumb.
Corin: I’ll send a message to the Division of Ransoms, Hostage Situations, and Conversations You Can’t Seem to Get Out Of. They’ll know what we can spend on this.
Davey: Well, you better hurry with it, man. Because…
Stevey: We’re gonna find another buyer!
Davey: Yeah! We’re gonna find another buyer if you don’t hurry.
Corin: Who would buy it? You have no idea what you’re talking about.
Davey: Don’t be ridiculous. We know exactly what we’re talking about. And we’re going to find another buyer, man.
Corin: Like who?
Stevey: The cashier at the quick gas. He’s secretly a alien, man. He told me so.
Davey: He’s not an alien, Stevey. He went to our high school. He was just messing with you.
Stevey: Maybe we can call these other names. Maybe Gary will buy it.
Corin: Don’t call Gary.
Davey: Oh, I think we’re onto something here, Stevey. Let’s call this Gary guy. The box says it’s losing the signal anyway.
Davey: We’ll be in touch, Corin.
Stevey: Yeah, we’ll be in touch! For the money. Alien money.
Corin: The area around my head has gone quiet. This is truly a horror we have created. I have no idea what those guys are going to do. I am going to see what kind of budget we actually have for this. I might also ask the Damnation and Ruination Squad to do a little digging. They always find their target.
The strange and intriguing member of the Damnation and Ruination Squad that I may have contributed to getting excommunicated from the squad because they were just so exceptional in every way has fallen into a deep emotional illness. I’ve been keeping an eye on them because I feel a little guilty, and we’re also technically responsible for all of the squad’s healthcare. Kimzzzzzzzzzz has spent a lot of time by this person’s bedside trying to cheer them up. The journey may have been messier than I would have liked, but I am happy that things arrived where they were heading anyway. So far the miscalculation may have been that this person does not seem to be as interested in Kimzzzzzzzzzz as she is in them. All the same, sleeping like a sweet devil in a hospital bed as been decreed as the sexiest thing one can do at this time.
I believe that Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Aashna might be on the verge of a breakthrough. No, I meant to say breakdown. The Division of Erotic Experiences, where they both work at the moment, has been searching for an answer to the question of “What is most sex?” looking for that one thing that is most essentially sex, or that one thing that is maximum sex. But unfortunately, they seem to have fallen into a thought hole. Instead of asking what is most sex, they asked the question “what is definitely sex?” which has produced some somewhat disturbing findings. Outside of a definition from intersubjectivity, they can’t land on anything for sure. I’ve picked up crumpled pieces of paper from their meeting room floor that say things like “putting it in one time if everyone thinks it’s cool.” That doesn’t seem to be getting anyone any closer to the answer of this question. Another crumpled paper simply said “Bone dogging the woo chute,” which I just thought was too poetic not to share with all of you.
Sometimes I will find myself in my office after most of the rest of the staff has left, the building nearly quiet except for the hum of air conditioning and the muted background noise of strange experiments. The hair on my arms will raise and I will find myself restless, unable to focus any longer on my work. And then I begin to wander. I begin to search. I hope that my Evilest instincts will help me to find the meeting of Tabithas once again. And that I might be able to find out what they mean and why they exist. Unfortunately, I have not been lucky just yet. I did discover another secret passage, though. It takes you from the bathroom in hallway 54-AA to the purple garden. I’ll have to get a pencil and paper out to work out how that works.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To has unlocked a mysterious lock box. Inside are a number of corrupted floppy disks. We’re not sure what to do with those. I’m not sure there’s any way to bring back the information. But the Division of Extra Science is doing extra science to see what they can come up with.
Dana Govern has seemed to be in many more places than should be possible. We can’t seem to catch her on camera in two places at once, but even Junior, who has a great track record of finding her by scent, has been getting lost on her trail recently. Somehow, all of those extra genes we gave her have been doing something. If she split into two, I will be so excited. Maybe even three.
Meredith Gorgoro’s rampage has taken a break, it seems. Our drones followed her into an enormous cavern where she came upon a large stone statue of some beast we’re not familiar with. She sat at its feet and started to breathe slowly. We believe she is meditating. She has somehow slowed her metabolism down to need almost no energy. In her slowed state our drones have been able to get closer to her than in previous sightings. Her physique has always been on the border of too fit. You know people like that, I’m sure. She’s thin and muscular, but with a lot of bone showing. But now, up close, we can see that she has changed. Her skin has the sheen of scales in places. Her human arm, while still mostly human in appearance, has taken on the qualities of some monster parts we’ve witnessed. Long, strong nails. Longer fingers. Her legs were obscured under her body as she sat, but they stuck out from underneath her a bit more than expected, seeming to indicate that they have grown longer, or been made longer by some other means. Her hair, which probably hasn’t been washed or even had water run through it in months, is wild and frizzy, with some strands seeming much thicker than the others. The scientists reviewing the footage also wanted me to say that, even though there are no molecular detectors in these drones she “probably smells bad, and looks like she could use a bath.” The drones will continue to watch her. We set one on a path to map the cavern and we found that the walls are covered in a written language of some sort. This must be regarded as an important place in some sort of monster religion. We are excited to see where things go.
The Damnation and Ruination Squadare are now wearing one rollerblade, one rollerskate and long green velvet gloves. They look ridiculous, it’s true. But now they look far more homogenous without that more exceptional member. They seem at peace, but at what cost? At any rate, they are on the trail of our mysterious interrupters. I am told that they should figure out where they are soon. They are surprisingly resourceful considering they use next to no technology.
I have some news from the Division of Incredibly Boring Things. They are thinking of changing their name from the Division of Incredibly Boring Things to The Division of Incredibly Boring Things and Easily Interrupted Thoughts. I think that’s–
Davey: We’re back, Corin.
Stevey: Yeah, we’re back. We’ve got your box.
Davey: He knows that.
Corin: How is Gary?
Davey: He’s great. It turns out he does want to buy the box. He said he’d give us five-hundred thousand for it.
Corin: Gary doesn’t have that kind of money.
Stevey: It’s true.
Davey: We just wanted to see if you would beat his offer.
Corin: I know he doesn’t have that kind of money. We don’t pay him enough. Actually, I’m not sure we pay him at all. We might just experiment on him. So he didn’t offer you five-hundred thousand.
Davey: Fine. But he did tell us that you would want it back desperately. And he told us how to get even with you if you refused to pay us. He said we could blast some smooth jazz into the phone.
Corin: But that’s what I did to him. Okay, I see.
Stevey: Are you ready for it?
Davey: It’s gonna be so smooth, Corin.
Stevey: No edge whatsoever.
Davey: Rounded corners.
Stevey: Soft sounds.
Davey: Nothing whatsoever to say.
Stevey: Easy listening.
Davey: But so loud.
Corin: Let’s see here. The Division of Ransoms, Hostage Situations, and Conversations You Can’t Seem to Get Out Of has authorized me to offer you… fifty bucks. Damn.
Davey: Our time is worth a lot more than fifty bucks, Corin. A lot more. We’re big time professionals.
Stevey: Big time.
Corin: Hold on. I might have… let’s see, I’ve got about fifty bucks in my wallet. How’s an even hundred?
Stevey: Yeah that seems pretty good.
Davey: Don’t make us laugh.
Stevey: I mean, yeah. Don’t joke with us, Corin.
Corin: I’ve also got a two dollar bill I can throw in. It’s a crisp one.
Stevey: Ooh. Those are cool.
Davey: Not enough, Corin. Get ready.
Corin: No. Wait.
(Bossa Nova begins)
Corin: Not Bossa Nova. I hate Bossa Nova.
Davey: It’s so easy, Corin.
Stevey: So smooth.
Davey: Doesn’t it just rub you the wrong way how it doesn’t seem to rub you any way at all?
Stevey: It leaves you right where it finds you.
Corin: Please turn it off.
Davey: We’re going to need more money, man. Call your division of whatever and get more money.
Corin: They actually kind of like it when I’m suffering. I don’t think they’re going to help.
Davey: Then we’re going to leave it on, man.
Stevey: Interdimensional smoothness.
Davey: We’re just going to leave it on. And when we lose the signal, we’ll call back and put it on again. All day and all night. Until we get what we want.
Stevey: A billion dollars.
Davey: Stevey, what the heck, man?
Stevey: More than a hundred and two dollars.
Davey: Yeah, like a whole lot more.
Corin: Okay. You guys play hard ball. How do you feel about gold bricks?
Davey: Whoa, now we’re talking.
Stevey: Yeah! Now we’re talking!
Corin: Okay. I’m going to have my associate, Mr. Zev bring it to you. A whole gold brick. It’s my grandfather’s. He kept it under this desk for emergencies.
Davey: Alright, we’ll stop the music.
Stevey: Let’s see that gold brick!
Corin: He’s on his way.
Davey: So, like, he knows where we are?
Corin: Yeah, we just got a lock on your location.
Stevey: Using some sort of alien dimensional laser?
Corin: Something like that.
Davey: So, uh, what do we do now?
Corin: Just stay where you are. Pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.
Davey: Alright. We’re turning the box off until we see this brick.
Corin: Perfect. Pleasure doing business with you both.
Stevey: Yeah. We’re professionals.
Davey: Signing off.
Stevey: Heck yeah.
Corin: I really hate to do this. Mr. Zev is almost certainly going to beat them to death with that brick and bring it back to me, expecting me to wash it off. Like run it under some tap water, Zev. The Division of Ransoms, Hostage Situations, and Conversations You Can’t Seem to Get Out Of really prefers to solve things with violence if they can. It saves us a whole bunch of money. Maybe they’ll be smart. Maybe they’ll just hand it over. Who knows.
They say that Evil once bought the moon from early humanity for bag of hard candies. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for credit, currency, and value as a concept. Now, some of these claims aren’t what you might call falsifiable, so I am sure that some of you have your doubts about their validity. But let me tell you, those doubts are dangerous. Mr. Zev can taste them on the air around you, and may visit you unexpectedly.
Tayla the Nayla has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Heathrow Landing, Tayla’s selected nemesis, will be ruined. We gave the wheel of misery a good hard spin to shake the cobwebs out, and it landed on the position for Adventurous. From this day forward, Heathrow Landing will be 85% more adventurous in every way. While this might lead to some interesting interactions in the bedroom, it also means that Heathrow is far more likely to engage in dangerous activities, such as skydiving, bungee jumping, and hiking. For Evil measure, Tayla the Nayla will be 23% less adventurous, making Tayla more comfortable staying at home and just watching a movie or something, you know? Congratulations on the win, and best of luck to all involved.
This brings us to the end of our broadcast. Mr. Zev is still on his way to the pickup location. This firework that has been doing untold damage to the natural floor covering, carpeting, tile, or wood flooring will detonate soon. I would recommend picking it up and giving it a toss back out of your incoming projectiles window as soon as possible. Otherwise, it might blow up in your hand, and we’re still a little short on replacements right now. The numbers are next.
Credits: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the cartwheeling champion in this neighborhood. Special guest appearance in this episode by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason. They are the creators of Greater Boston. You can hear more of their work at GreaterBostonShow.com. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Leah Tedesco and Jack Attack. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who ate all of the ultra spicy salsa before the rest of us could become tempted, Chax Richter, who soothed the big scary dog, and Chris Leclerc, who chased after the guy who left his cell phone behind, somehow avoiding an enormous explosion in the building. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, and Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has apparently satisfied itself in regards to mushrooms, and has now switched to wild flowering plants that are appearing everywhere. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology thought they might have seen some ghost algae after electrocuting another bowl full of living algae, but it disappeared too quickly. Apparently, it didn’t have much unfinished business. The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying turned blue from all the wishing they were doing. It was an awful lot. They have since decided it would be best to combine their efforts into wishing that magic would become real. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has found a box of old slap wristbands that apparently make people more Evil when they use them. We think it has something to do with the pain of your friend slapping you with the wristband when it’s applied. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. But the world is kind of heavier, isn’t it?