94 – Proverbs
in which you get some wiser words to ponder over, you consider the nature of texture issues, you think about beastly appendages, you step in a puddle of Dana, and Red Renton “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear may inspire you to create your own new political party.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and every single living thing down to the microscoping level to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. I am now back at my full capabilities, and I have returned to all of my job tasks. This includes testing the monster meat, determining which naked photographs will do the most harm when put on the Internet, stepping on employees that can only be motivated to work when their submissive fantasies are fulfilled, and looking at an enormous number of reports and formulating where the company should go to maximize both profits, and general nastiness throughout the world. I am also, for whatever reason, consulted any time the carpet needs to be replaced, which is relatively often. And not just when that carpet is in my recording studio and stained with my blood after my closest ally shoots me. After seeing how capable Junior is, we gave him a few new responsibilities. We put him on certain divisions as a consultant. He does have good ideas and he does know Evil, even if he is a bit strange at times. He has helped the Division of Automata to create a new android servant, that, by my estimation, is just a fancy sex toy. He helped the Division of Hygiene to invent a hose attachment that, when the hose is turned on, will pretty much clean anyone or anything that water hits. He also helped the Division of Tactile Textiles to make an even smoother fabric. He has some texture issues. And most recently, he has locked himself in his cave because he hates working. He wanted responsibility, but then it was too much effort, I guess.
Soundman Steven is back to his former stature. You see, new shareholders out there, when we built this fine facility where we record and transmit my voice to you via whatever strange and high concept device you have received, he was so impressed with the gear that his heart grew three sizes, and he became quite erect. This erection was first viewed as a nuisance by anyone who had to work with him or otherwise accidentally bumped into it. But once we all learned that it meant us no harm, we became inspired by it. It became a mascot. Look, people would say, at what Evil has produced. An unyielding, ever present icon of what Evil can do. People would work harder after seeing it. Posters of it were created by adoring fans and posted around the building to inspire all of us to be at our best. And then, I shot it. I needed some quick Evil, and I was desperate and perhaps a bit myopic, and my aim isn’t very good, so I shot it. We gave him a new one, but it seemed that the bond of trust he and I had developed was broken, and without it, the erection could not return. Until Soundman shot me. Not in the dick, just in the leg, but I’m told I could have died. The memory of that violence has been keeping him strong and proud, and most importantly erect. No, Soundman, I’m not going to mention the shame that you feel. I have forgiven you. So we have him back. And that is quite possibly the most important thing.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the particularly pungent aroma from a permanent marker we mailed you. No, we didn’t expect you to inhale it on purpose. It is strong enough that when you opened it to see what was inside or how it might write, you caught a sufficient whiff to let us get into your head. This chemicals are very sensitive to radio frequencies, and by modulation them very carefully, we can change what your mind is perceiving as far as sound goes. You are almost certainly completely blind at the moment, but that should pass, assuming you were sighted before. I would recommend not trying to get up to do anything, and I do apologize if you were driving. The Internet tells me that this might be a decent time for your to try to beat Punch Out. This product comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of The Cheapest Thrills, and Marker Island, a company that only makes markers, and never pens. If you are not a shareholder, then it is possible that your mind is not fully calibrated to resist the allure of smelling even more of this marker. The broadcast will then grow much louder inside your head, ultimately resulting in serious damage to your brain. Shareholders will of course know their limits by now and cap up the marker for the time being.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To has unlocked another Kakos Industries rule book. Well, I shouldn’t call it a rule book. It say The Kakos Industries Book of Proverbs, and is then followed by two diamonds. I have no idea if these diamonds are just a decoration, or maybe an indication that this is volume two. According to Grace Rule, our contracts master, this book tastes quite official, and we must take it seriously. The trouble is that the proverbs have been encrypted. Or they are in a character set we do not understand just yet. It is taking us some time to translate the proverbs, but I have the first completed on here. It reads “It is better to be a two-headed bear feasting on wolves than to be a coyote eating a cottontail rabbit.” Grace was unable to tell me exactly what this meant and what we should do about it, but it gives us something to think about. I will be sure to give you updates as I get them.
The Shareholders’ Ball, as always, was a blast. It was a great way to celebrate having been CEO here at Kakos Industries for the past five years. There was one snag, though. When it came time for the blood orgy, I found myself surrounded by interesting and beautiful people. That’s not a bad start at all. I was ready. But I have a bit of trouble just diving in without getting to know people a little bit. It’s far more interesting to be romantically involved with someone you know and perhaps care a little about. It adds something extra to what can otherwise seem kind of mechanical. And the issue was, they all had the same name. Or similar names, I suppose. If you’ve been following along with my personal stories during these broadcasts, then you probably know what I’m about to say. There was Tabitha, Tabitha, Tabbs, Tabbi, Tabby, Tubs, Tiber, and maybe a few others. Now, it seemed to me as though the basement ballroom started to run away from me, bringing the exit door ever closer, but I think in hindsight I have to admit that I was probably just fleeing on foot. Once I found a place to hide and catch my breath, I had some time to clear my head and think. This has been too many coincidences. This has been too strange. But it can’t be something big and scary. I thought back to the people that Bernice Largo, the head of my support staff, must have hired to see to my sexual needs. What if they have all taken on a name to signify their goals? But I have to say that, if this is true, Bernice has made a terrible mistake. I have missed out on more opportunities due to this fear and frustration than I would have for any other reason. Unless that is actually the point. Perhaps I was supposed to be freaked out. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my sexual needs, but instead what makes me the most Evil. I will need to do some looking into this. It may be true that this makes me more Evil than anything else. But it may also be true that knowing this has ruined the experiment. I haven’t had a chance to talk to Bernice. It seems that she has been out of the office. For a while. Like, a really long time.
The Chili Cook Off didn’t go according to plan. There was some sort of hang up and most regular attendees were late. Something to do with our transit network. Junior was not late, and he had finished almost all of the Chili by the time anybody else got there. On the plus side, we did get to enjoy the remaining aroma in each of the pots. Some were quite spicy, and definitely Evil.
We are now making preparations for the Celebration of Affirmation, which is ordinarily the celebration where we say nice and reaffirming things to one another. While this is fine, I gave the Division of Dionysia a challenge. I said, what if we affirm ourselves through actions instead of words? The head of the division scratched his chin and thought for a moment before going off to start working on some ideas. We shall see what comes of this.
We are also preparing for the Big Black Hole celebration. It is usually a good time to remind ourselves what Evil can do when we don’t apply it carefully and thoughtfully. It reminds us that an experiment can go wrong, destroy a whole branch of the company, and create a wormhole to Costa Rica. Or wherever the hole goes now. The dirt was grape flavored, but it is now strawberry flavored. And, you know, dirt flavored.
I have just received word that they have translated and/or decrypted another proverb. “The wind is best when it dries your enemy’s skin. Best to invest in emollients.” Huh. That one seems pretty straightforward, but perhaps I am missing something.
Last time, Junior discussed Dana Govern in great detail. She is the woman who was given a staggering number of genetic modifications, and we have just sort of been waiting to see what would happen. Most of the time, she just seems to be a woman. Late thirties. Average figure. Generally attractive, but not in an unusual way. We have had some strange reports. One person claims they saw her grab her lunch from the fridge using one of her many tentacles. She does not have any tentacles. Another person reported seeing her cook a meal by setting her hand on fire. She has no severe burns. Another person claims to have stepped in a puddle, but then there was only Dana on the ground. This is all very exciting, though we have yet to catch any of it on video. So far, our most reliable way of finding her at any given moment is using Junior’s nose. I’m not sure how he finds her, but he always finds her.
Kimzzzzzzzzzzz has eased up on the dyed hair thing. I think she just got bored of it, because we’ve been refusing to pay her off. Now, the only thing that matters about you is how glamorous your nails are. Your face doesn’t matter, your hair doesn’t matter, your hygiene doesn’t matter. It’s only your nails. Long nails with fine decorations and intricate artwork are the best. I do not like having anything on my nails. It’s a texture thing. So I’m really unappealing right now. Except to people named Tabitha, apparently.
We now know that Meredith Gorgoro is alive. For those of you who are new, Meredith Gorgoro was in charge of the labor camp we built in a huge cavern we dug once looking for the biblical Hell. We caught her on camera again. But where she lost her left arm, she has now replaced it through some sort of field surgery with the arm of one of the monsters she has slain. It is an enormous and powerful arm, covered in white fur, and the skin underneath appears to be green. And from what we caught on the drone footage, it would appear that she can control it incredibly precisely. I probably don’t have to tell you this, shareholders, but an attachment like that would require meticulous and excruciating work attaching all of the nerves to their new destinations. But there she is. With a monster arm. I’m a little jealous, but I don’t know exactly why. It looks really cool. It would be hard to type with it, but I think I would get my way in meetings a lot more often if I would just whip that baby out any time someone questions me. Oh, you don’t think lemon skin is inedible, well, fuck you. Monster arm. Wait, maybe we should market monster arms. That would be sick.
I walked in on a heated argument between Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen, head of the Division of Erotic Experiences and rogue scientist respectfully. I got the impression what they were arguing about wasn’t what they were really arguing about. They are still trying to answer the question “What is most sex?” but it doesn’t seem to be going very well. From what I could gather, they are having a hard time narrowing down any physical activities that can be said to always be sex, or super sexy sex. Yet the mental and emotional stuff lacks a certain edge necessary to be the most sex of all sex. They turned to look at me. I gently waved and saw myself out. For what it’s worth, on their whiteboard, they had the phrase “really long nails?” written and underlined several times. I can’t know for certain what that means out of context, but I felt like passing it along anyway.
They say that Evil once released a hundred thousand balloons, each destroying the drive and ambition in someone nearby when it fell to the Earth. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for social media celebrities, an undying desire to be adored, and butt bleach. Now, you might be thinking, that seems a little unreasonable. With the exception of butt bleach, those other two things seem like they probably come about on their own. Well, you should stop right there. Stop thinking like that. Because thinking like that gets your butt extra bleached. And nobody needs that. We did these things. We made them. They’re ours. And extra butt bleaching kills.
Red Renton has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Raz Razelton, the selected target of Red Renton, will have his life ruined. We gave the Wheel of Misery a nice pep talk, and then a mean spin. It landed on the space for Undecipherable. From this day forward, or as soon as the Damnation and Ruination Squad can get it done, Raz Razelton will be 97% more undecipherable, feeling the need to speak in ways where his meaning cannot be easily detected or understood. This will get annoying fast. For Evil measure, Red Renton will speak 22% more plainly, losing a little bit of tact in the process. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
This brings us to the end of our broadcast. In a few minutes you will be permitted to destroy this marker. I will say it is excellent for writing your handle on toilet seats or bathroom mirrors, but you might go blind again in the process. Kind of hard to get away when that happens. Anyone who wasn’t a shareholder is almost certainly dead by now. The numbers are next.
Don’t cut the feed yet, Soundman. I just got another proverb. It says when the star Burgeron is closest to the Dark Planet, and the moon is at its highest point near Fuffeni, and a cool mist sweeps across the land, it shall be time to party hard. Let me just take a peek out of the window here. Wait, that one must be Burgeron, and… yes, Fuffeni, the dark planet, and the moon is so close! Call the Division of Dionysia! There’s not much time! We need to party! We have to party! It has been foretold. Or proverbed. There is no time to waste!
Credits: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, know detangler extraordinaire. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Floyd Singh Power, and Jack Attack. Also thanks to honored employee Dorkpool Dorkuss, who made sure to distribute valentines to everyone who wasn’t going to get one otherwise, and Chris Leclerc, who reorganized the DVD collection after they all catastrophically fell from the shelves. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Valerie Koop, Director of the Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, and Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has begun designing a ferris wheel. It sounds even scarier than normal ferris wheels. The Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public has introduced The Real Life Drinking Game. Whenever your boss says something passive aggressive, take a shot! The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has lost the puddle-cabra, and are now much more focused on the unicorn actinopod. It uses its horn to gather food. The Division of Unanswered Messages has ignored their morning alarm for sixteen months. In that time, they’ve gotten up and went to work, but the whole time, their alarm has been going off, annoying many. The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying has begun using a Divining Rod to look for wells all around Kakos Industries. So far, there are no new wells, but many new holes. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has dragged out the old crate of 78s. The crate is only the finest pressings of people’s last words. They are truly haunting. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try flipping off a wild animal to bring about catharsis.