93 – Disarray
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Intro: What you are about to hear is gonna make that booty work work work work.
Junior: Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we squeeze every last ounce of Evil out of every person on the planet, and then we feed it back to them in preparation of beginning the process again. My name is Junior and I am a consultant here at Kakos Industries. Perhaps the best consultant. Everyone’s favorite consultant. Just the other day, they took a poll and I came out as the number one consultant in the building. You see, it’s because I’m so smart. I have the intellect of dozens of ordinary humans, leading to emergent properties of thought that you cannot even imagine. I know of one other mind that might be able to fathom my depths, but she spends all of her time making crossword puzzles.
Things have been in a slight disarray around Kakos Industries recently for obvious reasons, but I have decided that it is my responsibility to make sure that our responsibilities to you, shareholders, are being met. You see, while many of our employees have experience podcasting, because everyone has a podcast, I have slightly more experience doing actual broadcast like this. I’ve interrupted Corin so many times that I technically have more on air experience than just about anyone. Combine that with my vast intellect, and I am the obvious choice, albeit self-appointed.
What are you trying to tell me, Soundman? Oh, I shouldn’t be here? And what about you? Should you be here? You should be cowering in your home overcome with grief and guilt.
Today, our broadcast is coming to you from a fancy new cellular device you should have received in the mail. This cellular device is the new Evilixia 7, coming to us from the collaboration between our Division of Distraction and DigInfoDox, a company that will give you anything for free as long as you tell it your darkest secrets. While this is very nearly the production model of the Evilixia 7, it is slightly different in that it is much cheaper, and many of the functions were removed or never added so that it would be a perfect vessel for this very transmission and nothing else. The broadcast, as you may have noticed, has come to you as a phone call you couldn’t ignore, and now you must hold the cellular device to your ear and pretend like you’re having a conversation so that those around you will not be in any danger of finding out about us here at Kakos Industries before they’re ready. Be sure to pepper in some uh-huhs and some for sures and some yes daddys to make it believable. If you happened to have answered this call on behalf of a shareholder, or because you’re a snooping jealous lover, then I am afraid I must tell you now that you will have some difficulty putting this device down before its self-destruct mechanism is activated at the end of the broadcast. To save your life, you must now do something extraordinarily Evil and selfish to become a shareholder before your doom. We’ll give you some time to get creative. It may help you to land on our new and noteworthy list.
Now, I do not believe we still have an Automobile Celebration every year, but just recently, there were a lot of you shareholders and a handful of our employees who showed up to the building in modified and incredibly fast vehicles to do donuts in the parking lot and generally cause a ruckus. It seems that some people miss this festival. I do not. I do not fit in automobiles. When I need to get places, I use a helicopter. If you have never gone to the grocery store in a helicopter, I can firmly recommend it.
The Festival of Darkness was a smashing success as always. This one was even darker than normal. We painted the walls of the basement ballroom with pigments that absorb all light. We took away your cell phones and digital devices. Those of you who glow or have blinking lights just below your skin were placed in enormous black bags to keep any light from emerging. And then you were ushered down into the still and quiet room. You were placed on a special rug and allowed to spread out. We moved through the room quietly to make sure that everyone was behaving. Then, we walked through with a collection of man-eating beasts held on a tight leash. We have no reports of any of the handler making mistakes, but we would also have no way of knowing if they did as it was dark and quiet down there. If one of you shareholders disappeared, we would have no way of knowing. Perhaps you just never arrived. We can’t be certain. People disappear so often these days. Probably gone off the grid, I wager.
We also recently had the Festival of Genes. I believe it is technically the Festival of Genes Mark III. I’m not sure why we began to number them, but there you are. This festival holds a special place in my heart because I have genes. A whole lot of them in fact. More Evil genes than any other known living creature. It’s what makes me so smart and so great at everything, and so Evil. It’s always interesting for me to see what augmentations humans choose to get. Longer limbs. Enhanced bosoms. Softer elbows. At this year’s festivities, we wanted to make things a little more interesting. We allowed people to line up based on the type of changes they might like, and then we drew a genetic modification out of a hat and gave them that one. It would be in the right conceptual family, but not always what they wanted. We had one young woman get in line for cheek bones, hoping to get larger cheek bones, but instead, we gave her three more. She was quite displeased, but I personally found it to be very hot. A man waited in line for something to do with fire, hoping he could perhaps create fire with his mind or with some sort of secretion, but instead he became fire. That was something to see, although it didn’t last very long. We also had someone get in line for a tail, and end up with six tails. Some people find this to be unpalatable, but I can firmly get behind tails, if you know what I mean. We wrote “medley” on one of the slips of paper and mixed it into a random hat. When that one was drawn, we gave that person a huge number of modifications, so many that it should take a physiology as strong as mine to handle them. But the woman in question, Dana Govern, is still alive. She doesn’t seem to have changed much as of yet, but we’re keeping a close eye on her. I will say that something about her aroma has changed, and I find this change to be… alluring. No one else seems to be able to smell the difference, but I can’t get it out of my nose. I can tell where she has been, and I can find her in a crowd, and soon, I may even speak to her.
Coming up, we have the Shareholders’ Ball! This is one of my favorite celebrations. It is possible that this is because I have an enormous share in Kakos Industries. It is also possible that it is just the wildest, most debauched event we throw. This year, we will have grilled abominations as the main course. These abominations are anything that comes out of one of our genetic modification labs that we cannot suffer to live. Some have been on ice for a long while in preparation for this feast. We would love to tell you what sort of flavors to expect, but we cannot. We can only tell you that these creatures lived short and painful lives, and now we will consume them so that we can pretend that they never existed. There will, of course, be veggie options as well. The entertainment will be a combination of ventriloquism and puppetry that is certain to unsettle everyone in the audience. The dolls that the Puppetto Miserables troupe use reach an astounding 297 MegaNopes on the standard freakiness scale. But we will not nope out of there. We will stay, and we will witness, and our skin will crawl, and our anuses will pucker, and we will feel a strange arousal of a possibly sexual nature. I personally cannot wait. Following the show from Puppetto Miserables, we will have the blood orgy. This year, I am proud to announce the creation of the Blood Monster, an unfeeling, unthinking creation that produces incredible amounts of blood. It would possibly be useful in transfusions, or other medical applications, but instead we will poke a hole in it and allow its hot, red circulatory fluid to rain over all of us as we get busy. And get busy we shall. Those of you who are interested in doing the horizontal tango with me had better make arrangements soon, as my dance card fills up quickly.
We also have the Chili Cookoff coming up. I assume that many of you will create chili-as-performance-art again this year. And I will eat it all the same because my hunger will not be conquered.
Corin: Junior? What are you doing?
Junior: I’m doing the announcements. I wasn’t sure…
Corin: You weren’t sure what?
Junior: I wasn’t sure if you would be ready.
Corin: I was at work all day, Junior. I’m fine. I promise. I was just running around ten minutes late.
Junior: You should really take it easy.
Corin: I really appreciate that, but I’ve been fine for weeks. Everyone just keeps telling me that I should rest, and take it easy, and allow myself time to recover, but I’m totally fine. I don’t even need the crutches anymore.
Junior: I can see that.
Corin: So, please let me take over. This is my job.
Junior: Yes. Of course.
Corin: So where were we… What’s that, Soundman? He already did the Shareholders’ Ball? For fuck’s sake, Junior, it’s the best part of the announcements all year! Come on.
Junior: I think we can all agree that I did a fantastically Evil job selling it to the shareholders.
Corin: You don’t have to sell it to the shareholders. They’re already going to be there. It’s more of a victory lap. A chance to brag. A chance to tell them what they mean to us. What’s that Soundman? Well, okay, I guess you did okay, Junior. Been doing a lot of things okay.
Junior: What’s that?
Corin: Well, I know you took over a chunk of my workload while I was out of commission. No complaints, I hear.
Junior: I did my best, of course, and, as you know, my best is astronomically great.
Corin: I know. I just… I don’t like feeling replaceable.
Junior: Continue the announcements. While everything I do is amazing and better than anyone else could do it, I do not wish to step on your toes.
Corin: I feel like I owe you an update, shareholders. I took a little bit of unexpected time off recently after… Soundman shot me. I survived. I assume. I could be a clone of some sort, but I don’t think that was necessary. Soundman, in the throes of some sort of power fantasy, was pointing his firearm at my genital region when he had a terrible sneeze, or maybe some sort of whole body climax, that led to the gun going off. His aim is not that great, so he actually grazed my thigh. I was sitting at the time, so it grazed my thigh longways. It nicked the femoral artery, I assume, or something that bleeds like crazy in that area. I don’t actually know. I contend that I passed out due to blood loss, but they tell me it was far more likely the sight of the blood that caused me to lose consciousness. Then I hit my head. I was unconscious for a few days, but the speedy response of my medical team had me patched up in no time. If you’re keeping score at home, this means that Soundman came far closer to killing me than I did him. And let me tell you, our very own Soundman de Sade has had an unyielding erection ever since. It nearly tore through his pants when I hit the floor, I’m told. I understand that this detail is a source of great shame for Soundman, but I’m just happy to have him back at 110%. I am told that his return to his original stature has increased productivity here at Kakos Industries so much that it completely offset the month plus that I took off, and with Junior taking over some of my responsibilities, me getting shot was a greater boon to Evil than if I had just come to work in that time. I can tell you that feels great to know. I can personally think of no better way to enter my fifth year as CEO than from a hospital bed with the smallest hole in my leg slowly healing itself up. They even left the carpet bloody in here, which is really cute.
Here’s the strange thing about my time in the hospital. There was this beautiful woman taking care of me. A nurse practitioner, but I think I may have been her only patient. Striking eyes. One of those colors of gray violet-ish green that makes you think one of their grandparents had to be a space alien. I was sedated to some extent, probably unnecessarily, for the first week as my support staff tried to get me to take a break by any means necessary, so I only barely remember interacting with her. But she was so kind. I don’t believe I’ve ever been so doted on in my life. When I was getting ready to go home to finish my recovery, she offered to come check on me. She handed me a card with all of her contact information on it. I smiled and told her that I would be happy to see her. She walked away and I kind of laughed to myself until I looked down to see that her name was Tabitha.
Kimzzzzzzzzzzz has made a new decree. Apparently, in order to be sexy now, you must dye exactly half of your hair red. If your hair is already red, you have to make half redder. I think I’m just going to sit this one out. I’ve seen enough red for a little while.
Our drones down in hell have found Meredith Gorgoro’s left arm. We are unsure as of yet if this is the only remaining piece of her after some dramatic battle, or if the rest of her is still out there fighting monsters. We are hopeful, of course, but it cannot be easy to survive down there with this new disability, even for her.
I stopped by the Division of Erotic Experiences earlier to check on Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen. They are still trying to answer the question “What is most sex?” They were both asleep in their boardroom with their heads down on the table while a very bored and very naked pair were sitting inside of an observation room you could see through a large window in one wall. I looked at the white board beside the sleeping duo. It simply said “putting it all the way in?” with a bunch of question marks at the end. It seems that they have been working tirelessly on this one, and it doesn’t look good. I don’t know what “it” is, and I don’t know where “it” is going all the way into, though I can imagine, and something tells me that’s not the answer to their question. I will keep you updated.
The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has unchained a monster. In fairness, the monster was quite communicative and persuasive. In unfairness, it has since eaten three people and mailed their teeth to their loved ones. The missile they launched is still MIA.
They say that Evil once toured the planet in a traveling carnival. Its attraction was sitting quietly in a room full of people and making all of them feel gut-wrenching, insurmountable terror. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for plastic litter, the aroma of decomposition, and the fact that your body is basically decomposing at all times. As always, some of these things are kind of big, and it’s difficult to tell if we actually caused them, but we did. And if you disagree, you’ll start to decompose a little faster than the rest of us.
Jonathan Ulrich has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Zweelee TeeHee Me Three will be ruined. We assume that Zweelee is Jonathan’s nemesis, but really that’s not strictly a requirement, though we often make it sound like it. We spun the wheel of misery in the same direction as Earth’s rotation and it landed on the space for covetous. From this day forward, Zweelee will be 90% more covetous, leading to an ever greater amassing of objects and lovers. For Evil measure, Jonathan Ulrich will be 13% less covetous, which might just push Jonathan over the edge to not having much interest in stuff at all. That could be trouble. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Your Evilixia 7 will now self-destruct momentarily. If you’re not a shareholder yet, and that phone is stuck to your ear, it would probably be a smart idea to do something Evil quick. Like headbutting someone who would really be a lot better off without being headbutted, or telling your pet that they have been very, very bad, when in fact they have been completely obedient. The numbers are next.
Corin: Hey, Junior.
Junior: Glad to help. You know, you can always give me more to do.
Corin: You know they don’t like that.
Junior: Yes. I know.
Credits: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the second most interesting conversationalist in the room. Any room. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors. We’ve recently expanded our social media team, so please visit the website to view their credits and current projects.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, and Jack Attack. Also thanks to honored employee Dorkpool Dorkuss, who chewed enough gum to blow an enormous bubble, which saved the woman falling from the window of the Division of Defenestration, and Chris Leclerc, who scooted all of the glassware a little further away from the edge of the countertop moments before the earthquake. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Valerie Koop, Director of the Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, And Lady Squidney, Director of the Division of Cephalopod Psychology. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has run out of Ultra Yarn in Dayglo Yellow. Everything in the building seems to have a dayglo koozie wrapped around it. The Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public has introduced public park mud wrestling. We looked it up. Mud wrestling is pretty much always pornographic in nature. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology claims they have found the puddle-cabra, a rare cryptid that lurks in small puddles, and resembles a goat, kind of. They say that it is very shy and doesn’t like being looked at too much.. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping keeping things nice with having a thriving arts culture. There’s gotta be a give and take there somewhere. The Division of Unanswered Messages has left a “You up?” text message unanswered so long that the person who sent it is now monogamously married. It seems unnecessary to say that they never RSVP’d to the wedding either. The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying has given up on the hunt for magic words for now, but instead they are looking for ancient scrolls with some kind of power. They’ve gone right through our dry storage trying to read the paper towels. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has found a box of old brass finger screws. They’re not as hard as steel ones, but they still hurt like hell when applied to fingers. The Division of Cephalopod Psychology has discovered that the exectopuses do feel quite a bit, but usually they feel jealousy and frustration and anger. They tend to clam up when asked why. Clams are not cephalopods, in case you were expecting a pun there. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try volunteering with a secular charity to bolster your indie cred.