90 – Halloween III
in which your dread is alleviated, the hunt is on for another monster, Corin deals with some unwanted guests and also his mortality, Color Green Springsteen “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing, and it’s HALLOWEEN AF. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is woody, tinny, earthy, and ethereal.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients and the rest of you ungrateful degenerates to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. At least for a little while longer, but I’ll get back to that. Happy Halloween, shareholders! If you’re here at our party, then you are probably seeing me right now suspended above the party in a glass recording studio. It’s a bit of a story. If you’re not here at the party, then let me explain. A few days ago, I received a letter from my grandfather. I’ll just read it to simplify things. “Corin, it’s your grandfather again. If you’re reading this letter, then it’s probably time for the Grundler to be making its rounds again. The Grundler is a creature of pure Evil. We’re not sure if we made it, or if it’s somehow older than that, but it awakens for one night every ten years. It’s usually on Halloween, which make me think that we probably did make it and there is in fact a scientific explanation for all of this. The alternative is frightening and doesn’t really jibe with my worldview, which, admittedly, has been warped by years of drug abuse and a little bit of hippy dippy meditation shit. Anyway, it licks its way through all of the most Evil people on Earth before finding the most Evil, and then consuming them whole. Well, there’s a little chance of survival. You see, the last time it came around it came after me. Of course I was the most Evil. And when it came to me, it sniffed me real good, Corin. It sniffed me so good that it accidentally snorted some of the stuff I had in my pocket. Are you familiar with an H-Hole? It’s when you do way too much of this stuff we call Hades. I’m pretty sure I’ve included some of it in this envelope for you to use as self-defense, but knowing how I get, I may tear this one open in a desperate moment to rub the remaining crumbs against my gums. Let’s hope that I didn’t do that.” Slight sidebar here, shareholders, there is indeed some of the Hades powder here in the envelope, but it is quite clumpy and probably no longer useful to anyone for anything. He continues, “The Hades sent the monster into such a tail spin that it ate literally the next person it came across and went to sleep. Now it’s your turn, champ. The Grundler is coming for you, like it came for me ten years ago, and thirty years before that. Can’t remember how I made it through that one. Did I get eaten? Or did I give it more drugs? I seem to remember something about a hot tub. Oh well. I know you’ll make it out okay, and if not, then what better way to go than to be eaten by a creature that only eats the Evilest of the Evilest? Much love. G-Pa.”
At first, I thought this had to be a joke. Or a drug addled hallucination. But we now have confirmation that the Grundler is here. It must have made its rounds elsewhere before arriving earlier today. It’s now at the party. It’s sniffing and licking and testing everyone to figure out who is most Evil. A few days ago, we were able to determine that it was a real thing and begin preparations. Apparently we have a security camera that watches the cave where it slumbers, but for whatever reason, we can’t figure out where the camera is, and by extension, the cave. The cable is incredibly long, and it is tangled. Because of course it is. At any rate, we don’t need to find the cave because The Grundler isn’t there. It’s here. The rest of my staff here at Kakos Industries is VERY excited apparently to see me judged by this creature, and then perhaps devoured, so they have looked up some obscure statutes with the help of Grace Rule that have resulted in my being suspended above the party for everyone’s viewing pleasure. While my ego is not so enormous that I can’t imagine this monster eating someone else, it does seem that a lot of people believe that my time here as CEO of Kakos Industries, and to a lesser extent human on Earth, is limited. We shall see about that.
In this glass recording studio I am joined by Soundman Steven, my steadfast ally through thick and thin, as well as Cordelia Velocifero, the Kakos Industries recorder.
Cordelia: Hello, shareholders.
Corin: Apparently, when there is advanced notice of important events at Kakos Industries, the Division of Records sends a recorder to witness the event, to commit the event to words, and occasionally to videotape the event on a consumer camcorder from around 2006.
Cordelia: It has night vision.
Corin: So this is going to look like a sex tape, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, not unless you fuck somebody.
Corin: That’s fair. I’ve also got Angus Lachlan out there searching for the monster trying to keep an eye on its location so I have a general idea when I might be exiting starship Earth. In addition to hunting the good, he also has a hobby for hunting monsters.
Angus (on walkie): Yes, Corin, but always catch and release. I do have eyes on the monster at this moment. It appears to be a hooded figure with what I can only describe as a skeletal structure under its robes. It is carrying what appears to be a butcher’s mallet. Odd choice. I remember my days experimenting with blunt weaponry. That was not good hunting. Every so often, it leans in close to one of the shareholders and gives them a good sniff. Like the kind of sniff you’d expect from a secret, long term, off again on again lover who lives an ocean away… or a particularly affectionate medium-to-large-sized dog. It’s a good sniff, Corin. And I’ve even seen it lick one or two people. I personally cannot wait to pin it down, tie it up, and stick my fingers in its mouth. I would bet it has in impressive set of teeth in there, and I need to know what they feel like. It might be premature, but this might be a three finger endeavor. Which is perfect, because that’s all I’ve got left on old sinestre. The ladies don’t seem to mind much, though.
Corin: Thank you, Angus. That’s enough for right now.
Angus: You may recall, I lost my digitus minimus when I stuck my fingers in that Bite Wolf’s mouth that one time. As you can understand, I was unable to resist.
Corin: Thank you, Angus.
Angus: My left hand only speaks latin, Corin. It’s always been that way since Evil catechism. Nothing I can do.
Corin: Cool. Please let me know if the monster moves.
Corin: Moving along, shareholders,.
Melantha: It is rude for you not to acknowledge me.
Corin: Melantha, I didn’t even invite you.
Melantha: There’s a monster that eats only the Evilest people on the loose. And you expected me to stay home?
Corin: Yes? Or at whatever party you’re throwing.
Melantha: I’ll still get to be at my party. Do you see what I’m wearing, Corin?
Corin: On first glance it appears to be not much.
Melantha: Well, that’s called a costume, and you would be right in noticing that I’m not shy, but I mean on my head.
Corin: I… it just looks like a bunch of wires.
Melantha: Corin, you know I’m a thousand, if not ten-thousand, times more Evil than you. There’s no way this monster is eating you over me. So I’ve come to your stupid party, I’ve put myself in your glass box where all your shareholders can see, and I am prepared to be eaten. And then, at the moment of death, my consciousness will be uploaded to a brand new body at my building where I will begin to party harder than ever. That body will have a brand new liver, Corin. Nothing will touch me.
Corin: I feel like that might be another person just with all of your memories, but I’m not a philosopher.
Melantha: I’m willing to do anything for Evil, even if it means being totally reborn, brain and all.
Corin: I’m going to file that under “Not my concern”. Let’s move on.
Melantha: It will be so embarrassing for you when it chooses me.
Corin: Not if I’m still alive. Now, please allow me to move on.
Melantha: Very well.
Now, you might be thinking, Corin, these are your last hours on Earth. What are you doing giving these announcements instead of anything else? There’s an entire party going on underneath you with countless people who would literally compete to be the last lover of Corin Deeth. Well, shareholders, I am required to do these announcements as long as I am CEO. And… I suppose I didn’t know what else to do. Let’s continue.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from… an owl. There’s really no more information than that on the sheet I’ve been given. You’ll have to tell me later what you actually received shareholders. Was it really simply an owl? I don’t see any owls flying around outside above the party. Well, no more than usual. And I believe anyone here celebrating is getting these announcements via loudspeaker. Well, anyway. Owls, I guess.
The Celebration of Books was a huge success, as always. Some of you took the time to read these very old books about Evil that we just introduced. There was “What Evil Hath Wrought”, by Timothy Hobson, “A Treatise on the Darkness that Resides within Us All”, by Helga Bonuit, and “Fourteen Short Poems about Things Most Evil, and One Long”, by Hugo Viffiff. After looking through them and puzzling over some of the archaic spellings, we ultimately decided that what these texts had to say was pretty boring, and that modern Evil scholars have made such substantial advances that it’s not even worth reading these dusty old things. Then we brought out the erotica, and I believe one book caused one of you shareholders to let out a soft ooh involuntarily.
Prepare yourselves for the Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday. Remember that it is possible that I will not be here to guide you when the time comes, so please remember to Anti-Celebrate responsibly. We don’t want another bunch of sticklers like last year.
Corin: Shareholders, I’m getting a call from Dirk Sexplosion, CEO of Giant-Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face. Hello?
Dirk: Hello, Corin.
Corin: How’s it going, Dirk? Are you enjoying the party?
Dirk: I’m… I’m not there, Corin.
Corin: What do you mean you’re not here? You come every year!
Dirk: Well, it’s this Grundler thing. The monster that eats Evil people.
Corin: Well, only the Evilest, Dirk.
Dirk: Well, I got to thinking, and I think that I might be the Evilest, Corin. I’ve just done so, so many bad things in my life. I’ve made robots that have crushed people. I’ve burned down villages in robotic tests. I’ve broken a few hearts here and there.
Corin: Dirk, I can guarantee you are not the Evilest.
Dirk: No, I definitely am. I’ve searched my feelings. I know it to be true.
Corin: No, Dirk. You can’t be the Evilest.
Dirk: What makes you say that, Corin?
Corin: Because you feel guilt. If you were really the Evilest, you wouldn’t feel any guilt at all.
Dirk: But I’ve done so many bad things! Gigabadonkulus destroyed Jangus City! Remeber that? Now no one even remembers Jangus City existing. Moon Unit number 2 cut a whole piece out of the moon! It’s changed the tides on Earth, Corin. And all of the meat I’ve eaten… all of those poor animals…
Corin: It just doesn’t compare to what I’ve done, so stop being so silly and come to the party.
Dirk: I’ve hidden myself away… away in my cabin, Corin. I’m locked in. I’m safe here. I just have to wait this one out. The Grundler will pass.
Corin: This is so silly, Dirk. I promise you you wouldn’t even be in the top ten percent of Evil people here right now. You just feel guilty. It’s totally understandable, but it actually makes you less Evil.
Dirk: Wait a second, Corin. It’s here. It’s come for me. It found me. How? It got past all of my locks and steel reinforced doors. How? No. No, it can’t end like this. Not like this. I have so much left to do. I have so much love left to give. Evil love, you know.
Corin: Come in, Angus. Do you have eyes on the Grundler?
Angus: No, I do not, Corin. It slipped around a corner and I lost it. Perhaps it has run off to a forested area, maybe with some cabins. Just speculating.
Dirk: Oh! It’s coming in close! It’s coming for me!
Corin: WHere is your Cabin, Dirk? This thing can’t teleport.
Dirk: Well, it’s pretty close to Kakos Industries, I guess. Near the forest lawn.
Corin: You should have just come to the party.
Dirk: It’s… It’s sniffing me. I’m putting my hand in front of its face. There’s a good Grundler. Take it easy there, pal. It’s licking my hand a little, Corin. It’s… it’s leaving. Oh, I feel so relieved. I’m so happy now. I’m not the Evilest, Corin! Don’t you just feel a thousand times better?
Corin: Nope. It still might eat me.
Dirk: Don’t worry, Corin. Even if it eats you, I’ll be fine!
Corin: What a relief. Talk to you later, Dirk.
The sensation of dread that so many of us were filled with last time you heard from me subsided pretty quickly when word began to spread about the Grundler. I’m personally not sure the Grundler was what caused those awful feelings, but anything that gets people back to work is fine with me. My feelings of dread did not subside, but I supposed that’s because this beast is still coming after me. Maybe.
Angus: Come in, Corin.
Corin: Go ahead, Angus.
Angus: The Grundler just took a nibble out of a small person on the Spooky Lawn. Just a piece of this small person’s ear. But then it left. I will continue to track it. I also may try shooting at it. That seems like a thing that could work.
Corin: Let me know what happens.
Angus: Will do. Angus out.
Cordelia: Corin, if I may interrupt for a moment, could you please tell me how you feel about this situation right now? I want to make sure I have a record of how you felt as your doom approached for posterity.
Corin: I feel pretty terrible.
Cordelia: And how did you feel this morning?
Corin: Also pretty terrible.
Cordelia: And this time last year?
Corin: Well, I was under the impression that I had let someone die on my watch this time last year, so pretty so-so.
Cordelia: Excellent. If you had to rate your current fear on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being no fear and 10 being the irrational belief that physics itself might just change throwing you into a soup of dissociated matter, what would you rate it?
Corin: Oh, I hate these questions. I don’t know. It could always be worse, right? 7?
Cordelia: Thank you so much for that. This is really important stuff. Now how would you rate your terror on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being I could die at any minute, and 10 being I could die at any minute and that minute is quickly approaching?
Corin: I think we all know my death could be happening any minute.
Cordelia: So… like a 9?
Cordelia: Now, if you could describe your penis in one word?
Corin: This is ridiculous.
Cordelia: Ridiculous. Interesting choice.
Corin: No, it’s not ridiculous. This conversation is ridiculous. And it’s fine.
Cordelia: Just fine?
Corin: It’s fine. Can we move on?
Cordelia: Very well. Fine.
The party has been going extraordinarily well, shareholders, despite all of this unfortunate… doom. People have been having an amazing time below me in the crowd. I see dancing and merriment, and intoxicants of all varieties. I personally haven’t had the stomach for the intoxicants, or any of the candy for that matter, but I hear good things. There’s even a section off to the side for quieter activities. We’ve got some horror movies playing and people are having subdued conversations with only minimal one-upmanship. It’s really every kind of Halloween party you could hope for.
Melantha: Corin, what exactly is your costume?
Corin: I didn’t have much time. I was scrambling to deal with all this Grundler stuff.
Melantha: But it is a costume.
Corin: I’m a magician.
Melantha: That is so lame. And you are so dressed. I just don’t understand you sometimes.
Corin: Not everybody likes the same stuff, Melantha. I like to wear costumes that cover more than, I don’t know, 3% of my body.
Melantha: So lame.
Corin: Well, what about this stuffed rabbit in my hat?
Melantha: Ohhhh…Even lamer.
Corin: I didn’t have much time, okay? This is actually one of my grandfather’s costumes. I found it in the closet in my office. There were a lot of stale drugs in the pockets. And an extremely expired condom.
Melantha: Well, your grandfather was a fool as well.
Corin: And what are you dressed as?
Melantha: What, you don’t play video games? I’m obviously wearing the sexiest costume from Beach Volley Ball Is Really Just an Excuse to See Boobs Jiggle 3. It’s the horniest video game released on mainstream platforms.
Corin: I thought that game was just for horny teenage boys.
Melantha: And fully grown, fully sexy, fully confident CEOs of Evil Megacorporations. Do I judge what you do in your free time?
Corin: All the time.Like literally all the time.
Melantha: IT HAS A REALLY GOOD STORY LINE.
Angus: Angus to Corin.
Junior: What are you doing in here?
Corin: Go ahead, Angus.
Angus: I’ve followed the Grundler into Junior’s lair.
Junior: This is a private moment. Please get the hell out of here.
Angus: It seems that I’ve caught Junior somewhere in between putting on his costume and having a wank.
Junior: Get out! I can’t fit it in the costume unless it goes down.
Angus: The Grundler is in here.
Junior: What? Does it think it can eat me? I’m ten times its size at least.
Angus: It’s sniffing him. I definitely would not recommend that, Grundler.
Junior: It’s a masculine musk. I didn’t ask you to be here
Angus: It’s… moving on, now. Corin, it’s not going to eat Junior.
Junior: Of course I am the most Evil, but there’s just no way it could eat me whole.
Corin: I’m glad you’re okay, Junior.
Junior: Yes. Please allow me to finish dressing in privacy.
Angus: Back to the hunt, Corin. G’day Junior and Junior Junior. Angus out.
Kimzzzzzzzzzz dropped the dry skin thing, thankfully. It’s now no longer unsexy to moisturize, which is a huge relief to me. She appears to have taken a break from making decrees for the Halloween season, which only cost us two enormous crates of dried cumquats. I have no idea what she plans on doing with those.
Before I left work today, the Tabithas cornered me and each gave me an incredibly tender hug. Even the one I’m not sure I’ve spoken to yet. It was probably a hug goodbye. I really don’t think all of this is necessary. Still, it was a kind gesture.
Before I took up my position here in the suspended glass broadcasting room, I saw Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen here at the party. It looked like they were having a really good time, but I have heard reports that they are picking anyone and everyone’s brains about what they should do for their next project. That does seem desperate. Maybe that’s what they should focus on. Alleviating desperation.
Some of you might be thinking, if Corin’s in danger, where is Helena? Isn’t keeping him safe her one self-given job? Wouldn’t a cyborg wrecking ball be the most help right now? Well, it seems that Dr. Dunkelwissen has recently taken her offline for some repairs and updates. It is currently unknown if this decision was made before or after Dunk found out about the Grundler, and it is therefore uncertain if this is some sort of passive aggressive revenge for me cancelling their last project at the Division of Erotic Experiences and becoming much more “snoopy”, as he put it. At any rate, we have thrown cyborgs at the Grundler. We have thrown nanobots at the Grundler. None of those things have slowed it down whatsoever.
Meredith Gorgoro has not been sighted in some time on any of the motion detecting cameras in Hell, but the cameras keep seeing waves and splashes of blood from a distance. We are unsure as of right now what this means, but we’re sending down some drones to see if we can get any closer to the action. Perhaps I will get to see what they see if I am not devoured this evening.
Soundman Steven and I skipped the last few trust building exercises. They seem kind of pointless if I’m about to be eaten. Instead we focused on a few activities we’ve always enjoyed together. A board game here and there. No big deal. No reason to make a big deal
Melantha: Soundman, I find it a little rude that you aren’t having any physical reaction to me and my costume at all. Not that I want Kakos Industries to have its mascot back, but this never happens to me.
Corin: We’ve tried all of that, Melantha. Soundman needs something that the human body can’t supply.
Melantha: And what about you, Corin?
Corin: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s fine.
I have been avoiding getting too emotional during this broadcast because nothing is for certain and I don’t want to embarrass myself. I could be eaten any time, but that is also true of just about anyone here at Kakos Industries on most days. I do have to contend with the fact that I am certainly in the running for most likely to be devoured, but does that have more to do with my job than with my actual behavior? As we know, being the most Evil doesn’t always mean being the most qualified to lead and direct Evil. But there’s an awful lot of subjectivity there. What is more Evil, being an unrestrained chaotic monster that knows only violence and pain, or someone who restrains their Evil and the Evil of others to make sure that all of the Evil is working synergistically to Do Evil Better? I am not the Grundler, so I don’t know the answers to these questions. I have picked a successor in the event that I am the lucky one, but I will not disclose that information until I am gone. It’s in this envelope on my desk here.
The missile fired by The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To is definitely in space. Somewhere. We figured that much out, but boy is that thing hard to track. We don’t even know what’s in the missile. It could be another Tsar Bomba for all we know. Although we would call it something different. Maybe the Kakos Kaboom. That’s a little weak. I’m sure we’ll workshop it.
Angus: The Grundler has moved into the Blue Lawn area, Corin. It’s a little sleepy over here by the Picassos, but some people are partying all the same, despite lowered moods and foul language. The Grundler has changed his pace and gait to match, and now it has flipped over an old man playing a guitar in a rocking chair.
Corin: Thank you for the update, Angus.
Cordelia: The time must be close now, Corin. How are you feeling? Preferably on some sort of ten scale. I also have a worksheet with pictures of faces on it if it would help you to point.
Corin: I’m fine.
Cordelia: Do you have any regrets?
Corin: None that I can care too much about right now.
Cordelia: Anything you wished you had more of in your painfully short life?
Corin: Nothing I can do about that now.
Cordelia: Is there anything you want to put into the record for those you leave behind?
Corin: I’ve already taken care of all of that.
Cordelia: And on a scale of 1-10, how puckered is your anus?
Corin: I’m going to skip that one.
Cordelia: I have pictures if that will help.
Cordelia: Probably like an 8, then.
Corin: Moving on.
Cordelia: Subject did not deny.
They say that Evil has been present at every battle since groups of animals could band together to do war, and it always picked a side at random. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for all of the genetic modifications you’ve received without your knowledge, the pressure of trying to make the most out of Halloween because you know all of the other holidays suck and having a costume party for every birthday is getting tiring for your friends, and the Grundler. Taking a stance on that one. We made it. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, there are many other monsters that don’t just eat the Evilest people, but the ones with the most doubt, and they know where you live.
Color Green Springsteen has won the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Color Green’s nemesis’s life will be ruined. Said nemesis this time is Nic-Nac Black. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a spooky level of force before it landed on the space for flammable. As a result, Nic-Nac will now be 13% more flammable, which may sound like only a marginal change, but it makes a huge difference if you suddenly find yourself on fire from touching a candle. For Evil measure, Color Green will be 8% more incendiary, both in conversations and out in nature. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
This brings us to the End of the broadcast, shareholders. And perhaps the last one of my time as CEO. The Grundler is here, as if on cue. I’m not sure how it got up here, but here it is.
(a slurping sound)
Melantha: I did not say you could lick me, monster. Eat me whole.
Corin: It’s moving on past Melantha.
Melantha: It will be back. One taste is never enough.
Corin: It’s sniffing Soundman Steven. A sniff was enough, it seems. And now…
Angus: Corin, I’ve spotted the Grundler.
Corin: I know. It’s in the booth.
Angus: Right. Right. I guess you would be able to see it there in front of you. That makes sense. Just so you know, I did fire at it a bit ago. The bullets did nothing. I also blew some drugs in its face to no avail. It seems to have grown a tolerance for some reason.
Corin: You’ve done your job, Angus. There’s nothing more for you to do now. The crowd below me has become quiet and transfixed. The Grundler is moving ever so slowly. It’s smelling the air around me. Shareholders, do not fear for me. If I have to go, let it at least be because I was the most Evil motherfucker around.
Cordelia: On a scale of 1-10 how terrified are you at this moment?
Corin: I’m not going to answer that. It’s licking me. (slurping sound). A bony finger has come from under the cloak. (scratching sound) It scratched my face. It’s tasting the blood. (slurping) it’s licking my face. This… this could be it. My blood is pure Evil. It’s… patting me on the head. It’s… walking away.
Melantha: Are you coming back for me, beast? Do your worst.
Corin: It’s leaving. It’s gone. Did anyone see how it left? I must have blacked out for a second there due to the fear.
(a bumping sound)
Corin: What was that sound? Over there by you, Soundman. No, I definitely heard something. What are you hiding, Soundman? This is ridiculous. Just tell me what the sound was. Stand up. Stand up, Soundman. Oh, my Evil, shareholders.
Melantha: It’s… glorious. Even through his dungarees.
Cordelia: I have to make a note of this. Little did I know I would be witnessing an even more important event than the death of a CEO. Soundman, I have some very important questions for you, and I’ll need to examine you with this protractor.
Corin: Shareholders… I’m… I’m crying tears of joy. It’s back. It came back to us! Soundman Steven’s erection is back! Don’t you dare sit down, Soundman. Let us all gaze upon it for a moment longer. And all it took was watching me nearly be killed. That is a little messed up, but I don’t even care. I’m just so happy it’s back.
Angus: Corin, I have just witnessed the Grundler feed. It snacked on-
Corin: It doesn’t matter, Angus. Something magical has happened.
Angus: It snacked on… the name tag on the bloody, tattered blazer left behind says Emmanuel Reed, from the Division of Polarizing Opinions.
Corin: Oh, well fuck that guy.
Cordelia: I didn’t think he was so bad.
Angus: Now it looks quite satisfied, and it’s heading off into the distance, I assume to hibernate for another decennium.
Corin: Shareholders, I don’t know what to say. It’s a Halloween miracle. Let’s all get back to the party. The numbers are next.
I have to set this envelope on fire now. I’m so glad I didn’t have to name a successor.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the matron of the sand people. Special guest appearance in this Episode by Anwar Newton, Rebecca Ryan, Jessie Marie, and Adam Miszuk. Other voices provided by Conrad Miszuk. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, and Courtney Campbell. Also thanks to honored employee Dorkpool Dorkuss, who ate all of the green flavored popcorn, so the rest of us could enjoy the flavors we actually like in the multipack without guilt. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, J.K. Runnings, Director of The Division of Darker Sound, Kevin Powers, the Director of The Division of Boring Dystopias, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, and Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has used the giant pile of booties to climb into that vent. You know the one. We probably should have seen that coming in all honesty. They have disappeared, and are likely up to no good. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has sterilized several of the ponds here at Kakos Industries with their new and dangerous probe. They tell us that they have found something unusual, but they aren’t sure what it is yet. All the same, they are saying with certainty that it is a flatwood fungus The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping their new t-shirts. They are headed to your address, where you will have no choice but to wear them. And they’re shipping their garments and your bodies. Perhaps this one might work. The Division of Unanswered Messages has lost her again through inactivity. They know they can only hold a person’s attention for so long without giving them the answers they need to plan their lives. Perhaps they will get another chance, but it will probably be the last. The Division of Darker Sound has dipped a microphone in a barrel of crude oil. It’s got that classic oil can reverb sound, but it’s so much darker. The Division of Boring Dystopias has invented a new variant of the both-siderism argument. Now there are three sides to the argument, all of them are wrong, and something in the middle is probably correct, and the arguer gets to feel extra smug.The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying was unsuccessful finding wands, but are now throwing all of the rarest specimens in the Kakos Industries Archive of Animal Parts into a pot in hopes of making a potion. So far, they have only made horrible smells. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has recently rediscovered the paper torture device. It’s an automated torture device that uses a paper punch card for the programming. User reports indicate that it is slow, jittery, and low quality, but terrifying all the same. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try writing a callout post about something else.