89 – Dread
in which you have this terrible sinking feeling, you stub your toe, you recover from a great workout, something about an ICBM, dry skin is in, Kakos Industries gets to work on “better butts”, and Moodie Bleu “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is the good shit.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help all living things to dive in deep, find their darkest part, and use that to inspire every action they take. In other words, we help our clients and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Shareholders, today has been a strange one. In fact, for a few days now, I’ve had this suspicion that something terrible was about to happen. For the sake of this discussion, let’s just say that I’m starting from a place of Evil when I say terrible, so that might mean good, or just bad for Evil. I know how some of you are sticklers out there and just think that I should love every little bad thing that happens, even if it affects me or Evil negatively. There are still things to fear even if you’re Evil, you know. Like a world where only positivity is permitted. Or a world without monsters. Or a world without soap. Say what you will about Evil smells, I can’t get anything done if the office reeks. And then there’s all of those pesky interruptions. When I came into work today, I found that I was not the only one feeling this awful sense of dread. It seems that many other employees, excluding of course the ones that have grown so numb to pain that they wouldn’t notice a feeling of dread if a Bitewolf was making a lunge at them in that moment, were also feeling this sense of some sort of impending nastiness. I am not a superstitious man. A particular man, perhaps, and I do like things a certain way, but I am not prone to superstition. So a feeling of dread is not something that I would ordinarily listen to. I thought perhaps my subconscious was noticing things being a bit off or something similar, but I never had the evidence I needed to know what those things were. So I waited. Today, around a third of my staff called out. Others still have gone home early. And in those who remain, there is this fear. This sense that something terrible is just on the horizon. Something enormous. Something momentous. Something awful, in both the traditional and modern senses of the word. But nobody has any idea what it could be.
We’ve checked numerous systems from around the building. We’ve checked every diagnostic we have available. Everything is fine. The building has never been in better shape since the recent maintenance. The employees here at Kakos Industries have never been healthier. The air quality is ideal. The food supply in the food court is safe, if a bit carb heavy. Everything is okay. Members of the human resources staff, the one that provides resources to humans instead of harvesting them or taking them away, has been running around the building helping people to relax, visualizing places where they feel totally safe, invoking positive self-talk. But they have been having a difficult time reducing this feeling of incoming hardship. It seems that we have little control here. We cannot allow our feelings to prevent us from doing the work that needs doing, however, so we will proceed, no matter how difficult it may seem.
Today’s broadcast is coming from that really bad stubbed toe you just gave yourself. This is a new and interesting technology we’ve been working on. It expands on our existing bone conduction technology, and improves it to be deployed strategically. The radio, more specifically, is not your stubbed toe, but the metal cube that you did not see that you stubbed your toe on, just as we had planned. Now the vibrating pain pulsing through your whole body has been hijacked by that same metal cube to relay this audio signal into your ears. For many of you, the sound of my voice will be reassuring in this moment of pain. For others, it may seem a bit patronizing. It is, in reality, both. Certainly, I know the pain of a stubbed toe. But I am not experiencing it right now, so I can choose to feel schadenfreude. Schadenfreude and the unsettling feeling that something just unimaginably bad is about to happen in the world of Evil. That’s beside the point for right now. This radio comes from a collaboration between our Division of Ouchie, and Kick ‘Em While They’re Down Entertainment. Do not worry. If you are currently on the ground for any reason, whether that be from collapsing due to the pain or if you just prefer being on the floor, there is no kick coming. The kick is my cavalier attitude.
We had a bit of a snag at this year’s Festival of Fertility. The necessary gametes for the fertilization never showed up. So those who were looking to become pregnant just had to kind of sit around and talk to each other and shoot the shit for a while. We cobbled together some sort of entertainment from the employees who like to do open mics, which went over okay. Some of you attendees seemed to think that perhaps they were the carriers of the Evil genes you came to receive, but they were not, and they were ushered out quickly when some of you got a bit too aggressive. After a few hours, many of you left, which is only fair. I do apologize if you were getting close to the free medium sized sedan with your seventh Evil child. We’ll give you two punches on your card next year. The remaining attendees decided that they weren’t that picky and got busy with the other people there at the event. Some of you actually did end up pregnant, but that’s totally on you. When I finally caught up with The Division of Procreation, it seemed that there was some sort of refrigeration error that spoiled this year’s batch, and the sole intern left in charge of disseminating, was running around the office looking for donors to fill up some test tubes. Not a great look.
The Festival of Somnambulation was also a huge success. I am so proud of most of you for doing the necessary stretches. Now I know some of you had been filled with fear for days before the event wondering what the stretches were for. You had nothing to be afraid of. Unless your fear is being dressed up in spandex before being filmed doing aerobics techniques for our upcoming set of exercise videos. We played music, and you moved your bodies, so it could technically be considered a party. And that’s the technicality we’re banking on. You did have fun, I will let you know. Except for those of you who did not sufficiently prepare. You may find yourselves now exceedingly sore and over extended. Ouch. But we did warn you. Next time, do the stretches. And I do hope you like how you look in our upcoming videos. And before you accuse us of making you sign anything while you were asleep, we didn’t. You actually agreed to all of this when you became a shareholder. It’s an obscure clause for sure, but you did press “accept” on the End User License Agreement.
I just cannot shake this feeling of dread, shareholders. Let’s see. I’m about to talk about my favorite division. I hope no one interrupts me. (pause). The Division of Incredibly Boring Things did something incredibly boring! (pause). There’s something inexplicably terrible going on here at Kakos Industries. I sure hope no one interrupts me to take credit! (pause). Fuck. I suppose I may not be interrupted today. This is just a horrible feeling. It’s like having the mouth sweats, but being unable to throw up.
Coming up we have the Celebration of Books. This year, we’re introducing some very old texts about Evil to our library that those of you in attendance will be able to view. And then there’s Halloween as well. As always, Halloween will be an amazing time.
Kimzzzzzzzzzz has decided socks don’t matter after some coaxing. It required an offering of one thousand red roses. I don’t think she’s even that sentimental or a fan of roses, but that’s what she asked for. Then, she went at it again. Now, she doesn’t like soft skin. It’s a decree. Dry skin is now the sexiest. I feel personally attacked. My moisturization routine is a critical part of who I am at this point, and I take it very seriously. So I’ve started putting flour on my face before certain interactions just to seem like I’m playing along with society’s standards. It’s gross, but I do it. I can only hope this dry skin thing doesn’t last forever. I just won’t do it.
The Tabithas all went home a little while ago. All three of them. The one who actually does work for me is still here going just fine, but the other three left. It was the dread. And before they left, I noticed that they all seem to have moisturized skin. Usually, that would be a positive. But now, it bothers me. Why do they go against the Cult of Ohh Ahh so much? Is this some reverse psychology thing? I’m not sure I will ever trust them fully. All the same, their flat out rejection of these standards is concerning. Are they not playing by the same rules as the rest of us? I have flour on my face and I feel stupid.
Jasmine Aashna hasn’t been into work in a few days. She appears to be highly sensitive to these feelings of dread and has not been able to gather herself enough to get here. I did visit the Division of Erotic Experiences. Dr. Dunkelwissen has just been sitting with his arms crossed in the corner every time I drop by, which may mean that he’s been sitting there pouting for weeks. I assume he needs to eat, but maybe he does one of those weird meal replacement things that allows him to continue pouting with greater intensity for longer. When I asked one of the employees what they were working on, she responded with a shrug and then pointed at the whiteboard nearby. On the whiteboard in blue dry-erase marker in what I would guess is Jasmine’s handwriting, were simply the words “better butts” followed by several question marks. They’ll figure something out. I’m personally not sure what’s wrong with butts now, but I suppose we can always improve things if we really set our minds to it. I should probably give Jasmine a call and see how she’s doing.
Meredith Gorgoro was seen dragging an enormous monster through the caverns of Hell by one of our motion detecting cameras. It was several times her size, and badly beaten. It’s skin was green, and its clothing was rudimentary in design and badly damaged. It was covered in what I assume was its own blood. Meredith had tied a rope around its neck and was pulling it through a dark cavern by that rope. Despite its size, her extreme musculature would not quit. A few days later, she walked by the same camera wearing a new set of armor apparently made out of the monster’s parts. Leather armor made from its skin. A hat made from one of its horns. Some have theorized that she turned the rest of the monster into a sleeping bag or small tent. As exciting as these updates are, I find it all a bit concerning. Will she be able to adjust back to living in society after this? This rampage doesn’t seem healthy. Then again, it is almost certainly Evil, so bravo Ms. Gorgoro.
The trust building exercises I’ve been doing with Soundman Steven have been moving along slowly. It seems that neither one of us is having an easy time with this feeling of dread, and it’s been making the trust exercises harder. I hope whatever terrible thing it is happens before our ropes course next week. We need to be a team again, and we need that beautiful new dick standing tall and proud.
The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has launched a missile. It was one of those situations where two people had to turn keys simultaneously, and two of their employees just happened to try two different keys at the same time. Apparently, there has been a silo in the Industrial Lawn for a while, and we all just forgot about it. We’ve unfortunately lost track of that missile. It went off of our radar and now we have no idea where it is. It hasn’t landed yet. For all we know, it went straight up and has been falling ever since. It may land directly on us. Except that it’s been too long for that to be the case. Still this dread makes a lot of things seem possible. Our best guess is that the missile burned up in the atmosphere, or it is just orbiting the Earth in space now. Or it’s taking a really roundabout path to getting wherever it’s going.
They say that Evil has a collection of all the world’s most deadliest weapons, but it prefers the sharpened spoon. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for the letter X, the letter C, and the horrible mess of spelling and historical artifact that is English. If you happen to disagree that we at Kakos Industries are responsible for these things, then you will soon find yourself struggling to spell even the most simple words. Please be careful.
Moodie Bleu has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Moodie’s nemesis will be ruined. Said nemesis is listed her as Oooooleg. We gave the wheel of misery a good push and it spun for some time, generating enough electricity to turn on a dim light bulb for a few seconds. Then, it arrived at the space for Texture Problems. From this day forward, Ooooooleg will now have 70% more difficulty with strange textures in fabric, food, and other things that need touching. As you can imagine, this will be a serious problem in Ooooooleg’s life, making new and interesting food completely unpalatable, and only the oldest sheets in the closet comfortable for sleeping on. For Evil measure, Moodie Bleu will find texture to be 20% less interesting. There’s still plenty of spice to life without texture. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
Well, that’s all I have to talk about here. So I guess this brings us to the end of the announcements. Our business is doing just fine, but this feeling will not go away. I mean, there’s not even creepy music playing. Nor are there any high frequencies filling the building. It’s just inexplicable. Not even a letter from my grandfather. If you’re listening to this and just waiting for your chance to interrupt the broadcast with something really stupid to say, then just say it. Come on. I’m ready. Hit me with that bad news. Fuck. The numbers are next.
Nothing? Nothing? Oh, come on! Fuck.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the end all be all of be all end alls. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, and Courtney Campbell. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, J.K. Runnings, Director of The Division of Darker Sound, Kevin Powers, the Director of The Division of Boring Dystopias, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, and Danni Auttumns, director of The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has created just and enormous pile of booties. Sometimes they just make regular yarn crafts, you know? Also the pile is under the one vent that leads to that one place. You know the one. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has invented a probe that floats in ponds looking for unidentified microbes. It also kills them all. So far, they haven’t found anything interesting, but they have nearly sterilized Pond 99-22-A. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping that girl from that new teenage drama on broadcast television, and Frankenstein’s Monster. Huh? The Division of Unanswered Messages has successfully outlived the guy who challenged them to a duel. That’s a victory of sorts. The Division of Darker Sound has turned the volume knob all the way down. It made a huge difference. The Division of Boring Dystopias has invented a food-like slurry of calories a nutrients that people eat willingly for some reason. It tastes okay, but it’s kind of interesting how much people will let go of for efficiency. The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying has apparently been trying to pick out twigs from the forest lawn, hoping that one of them might be sufficiently wand-like. So far, they don’t know what makes a wand wand-like, but they feel confident they will know it when they see it. The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors recently patched some phones to correct the phrase “That’s great news!” to “I envy all of your success and secretly wish for your ultimate failure.” That’s no way to make friends. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try flying a kite. WHen you get bored with that, try any of the more appealing technological time wasters we’ve invented.