86 – Friction
in which Corin learns to appreciate a new accessory, you get prettier, Corin dials up an old friend, a man explodes, and Vickster Willow “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear could be really cool.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we do everything humanly possible, monsterly possible, abominationally possible, and more to help our clients to improve upon the Evil they are doing already. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Shareholders, I feel as though I owe you an apology. I don’t often like doing this, but there’s just something wrong that I can’t let sit. I am embarrassed to begin the announcements with an apology, but circumstances require it. Last time, I spent a good amount of effort whining about hipsters wearing fanny packs and how awful that was. Well, some anonymous person in the building left me a black fanny pack outside my office door. The Tabithas either do not remember who it was or did not notice. At first, I put it on as a joke. Look how silly I am with this ridiculous pack. But now I’ve been wearing it more and more often. I can keep my chapstick in here. It’s also convenient for holding some of the keys I have to carry around at work. I can also keep a an electric prod in here in case employees aren’t working hard enough. It’s just so useful. And all I had to do was take out the severed human finger that was in it when I found it. All in all, not that big of a deal. So if you are a proponent of the fanny pack and I at all hurt your feelings with my tone last time. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the new Bone Bliss Electronics bone conduction headset and radio receiver. You see, sometimes we don’t just want you to hear us. Sometimes, we want our signals to go right into your head, vibrating your brain itself, and using a variety of frequencies to restructure the bones in your face making you more attractive. You might be thinking, but I’m already perfect as I am! Certainly you were perfect. But you will be more perfect when we are done with you. Subtly. This device attaches to the head and vibrates the bones inside of your skull, conducting sound directly to the inner ear rather than going through the opening in your ear. It provides a different and more personal sound, and if you sound anything like me, you might think you’re talking to yourself. I am told the sound quality of this device is strange, and you will have to keep wearing it until the end, even if you don’t like the vibrations.
Shareholders, I must confess that I’m a little bit distracted today. It’s been a little while since we’ve talked about the state of Melantha Murther’s company (awful noise). They’re our biggest competitor. Or they were until she ended up creating a sort of paradox in Evil business ownership that nearly ruined her. Or at least that’s the official story. Anyway, it looks like she has rebuilt her company quite well, though it seems as though her building has begun to float. (scraping) I do not know if it is by intention or maybe just the wind, or some sort of gravity experiment here at Kakos Industries, but her building has floated all the way onto our property and up against our building. (scraping) In fact, the window from my studio here is now looking directly into Melantha’s office. This is strange because the window from my office was looking into her office earlier, so her building must have moved. (scraping) Anyway, if you hear the sounds of two building scraping up against each other, that is why. I’ve been trying to get in touch with her all day, but it seems that her line has been busy. Well, let’s give it another try because I clearly can’t focus with a building threatening to ruin the facade on ours.
Corin: Hi, Melantha.
Melantha: Who’s this?
Corin: You know who this is.
Melantha: I’m sorry, it’s a new phone, all of my old numbers got wiped out.
Corin: How is that even possible nowadays?
Melantha: Look, if this is some kind of prank call, I’ll have you know that I’m the CEO of the largest and most successful Evil company in the known Universe, and I will leave No Evil Undone in pursuit of ruining your life.
Corin: That’s not even true. You are not the largest, nor the most successful.
Melantha: That’s it. Jeremy, trace this phone call.
Corin: It’s Corin.
Melantha: Not now, I’m tracing the call.
Corin: Corin Deeth. Your nemesis or something.
Melantha: Don’t be ridiculous. Corin Deeth isn’t my nemesis. That honor belongs to Belinda Negativ.
Corin: The CEO of Negativ Space? You’ve got to be kidding. They haven’t turned a profit in over a decade. I’m honestly a little offended.
Melantha: What an amazing Corin Deeth impression you’re doing. Petty, pedantic, sexually repressed. It’s like maybe you’ve seen him speak publicly for thirty seconds.
Corin: Did you finish your trace yet? How do you not recognize my voice. Or are you fucking with me again.
Melantha: The trace is still running.
Corin: Phone traces are instantaneous. There, Jeremy or whoever just entered your office with some printouts.
Melantha: A lucky guess. Huh… These documents say that the call is coming from just outside my office window.
Corin: Yeah. It is. It’s almost like your building ran into mine.
Melantha: Buildings can’t move like that, whoever you are. Don’t be ridiculous. My office is too high up to be seen by anyone without some sort of flying apparatus, and the flying apparati alarms haven’t gone off.
Corin: You can just look out your window.
Melantha: And give you the pleasure of making me look? I don’t think so. You’ll just have to tell me what I’m doing right now.
Corin: It looks like naked yoga.
Melantha: Oh what a fool you are. All yoga is naked or it isn’t yoga. That’s a pleonasm.
Corin: You’re doing downward dog with your butt pointed directly at the window. I think I can see a bluetooth earpiece in your ear.
Melantha: Another lucky guess. If you were actually seeing what you claim to be seeing, you would have had a brain aneurism from the perfection of my lower quarters. I have to be careful how I introduce it to my partners or I end up killing them before we can do any sex stuff at all. It’s that perfect.
(A loud screech)
Corin: How do you explain that sound, then? Your building has floated into mine.
Melantha: You are very committed to this prank, whoever you are. You will spend so long in my dungeon.
Corin: Melantha, this is actually Corin Deeth III. The CEO of your largest competitor. I don’t know why you don’t believe me. How else would I have your direct line?
Melantha: Sometimes I give out my number to strange people. It’s a thing I enjoy.
Corin: Wait, are you enjoying this? Right now? I didn’t consent to being a part of any roleplaying.
Melantha: If you can really see me in this pose, you tell me if I’m enjoying this.
Corin: Whatever. I’m going to call you back, Melantha.
Shareholders, Melantha is willing to do a lot of crazy things to get under my skin, but that might have been a bit much. Maybe if I get back to the announcements, she’ll figure out that her building is floating. All she has to do is look out the window. Wait, she has just blindfolded herself. She can’t actually do her job blindfolded, can she?
Recently, we had the Festival of Innovation. We built an arena to watch robots fight, or fuck, or whatever, but instead of seeing any of that, all of the participants in the festival showed up with Evil rays. Not attached to robots. Not automated. Just big science-fictiony ray guns that supposedly could turn anything they were pointed at more Evil. We were skeptical. At first, we had them all blast a boulder to see if the boulder got any more Evil. It appeared that either the ray guns didn’t do anything, or boulders are already as Evil as they can get. We moved on to a potted plant. The entrant from Giant-Ass Things In General made the potted plant hairy, kind of like how you would imagine a plant with some sort of werewolf disease would look. The ray gun from Thorgonus turned the potted plant into a hulking, and kind of buff version of itself before it turned brown and wilted. The laser from Robots and Lasers and Robots and Lasers turned the potted plant into a slightly different version of itself that we were told had suddenly developed psychoactive properties. The entry from Byron Detrimentals caused the potted plant to split and grow at an alarming rate. We had to set it on fire before it took over the arena. A few other entrants had basically no noticeable effect on the plants we gave them. Deciding to escalate things quickly and throw out all of our controls, we took one excited volunteer from the audience and asked him to stand in front of the ray guns. We started with the ones that had previously had no effect on the plants. Most of them had no effect on our volunteer, a Mr. Ricardo Hoffman. Then we turned on the ray from Diabolical Developments, and Ricardo began to bark. Loud, hoarse barking. He fell to his knees barking ever louder. Having no way to effectively undo these Evil rays, we decided to fire the next one. Thorgonus Imports fired their ray, and Ricardo jumped to his feet flapping his arms. His eyes turned red and he began to spit blood at the audience. Fearing any further developments, Byron Detrimentals fired their ray. Ricardo stopped doing everything he was doing moments earlier. He stood still. He looked at the crowd perplexed. He shouted, “I feel normal again.” Then he indicated that maybe he would like to stay normal. Unfortunately for Ricardo, in addition to being a volunteer, he was also selected for saying some mean things about Kakos Industries on the Internet recently. So Giant Ass Things in General fired their ray gun at him. He let out the most Evil sound I think I have ever heard. A sound that we failed to capture on our recording media in any way. And then he exploded. Nearby, the boulder all of the lasers were fired at started to cry.
We also had the Festival of Quiet Evils. Did you miss it? It was approximately one second where we arranged for every one of our shareholders and everyone at Kakos Industries to be quiet. You participated. You were there. It was impressive.
And coming up we have the Celebration of Self Love, and Evil Con. Prepares your hearts, your minds, your bodies, and more specifically, your loins.
( a screeching sound)
The building has moved, shareholders. Now I’m looking at what appears to be a monster fighting arena with a bunch of old people clenching money in their fists and cheering on each side of the arena. Let’s close the blinds, Soundman. By the way, Soundman, did seeing her do anything for our company-wide concern between your legs? You covered your eyes? Well, perhaps that was prudent. I don’t want you having an aneurysm.
As I was leaving work one night last week, I saw the Tabitha’s, specifically the two that don’t do any work for me, playing a board game with their desks pushed together. I didn’t play. But I gave a quick pointer to Tabitha.
I’m opening the blinds. Now we’re looking into what looks like an indoor jungle, with Melantha’s employees just swinging from vines. Why do they have one of those? Then again, I suppose those who live in glass corporate offices shouldn’t throw stones. We have an indoor desert.
When Meredith Gorgoro finally recovered from her injuries, she refused to describe whatever killed everyone in Hell. She said it wouldn’t matter once she got her revenge. Then she shaved her head, saying hair would only get in her way, before leaving the recovery wing. Security cameras in Hell show her arriving at the labor camp, assembling an arsenal of hidden weapons, and walking off into the darkness. We do not yet have an update, but we’ve sent some people down to set up some motion activated cameras. The DNA testing on the bones has accounted for some of the workers in Hell, but not all of them. And some of the bones belonged to unknown people. And some of the bones had no meat left on or in them for us to test. The other survivors describe cloaked monsters, and moving shadows attacking them. This is most unsettling. I am still leaning toward nuking the whole place and just moving on.
Okay, now we’re looking at the space behind a coffee shop in what appears to be their cafeteria. If that sounds too mundane for you, then don’t worry. The baristas are all bottomless behind the counter.
The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has opened that mysterious locker in the gender neutral locker room near the fourth floor fitness center. Inside was a pound of deseccated cannabis. One member of the Division gave the weed a try and decided that it was roughly thirty years old and wasn’t very good to start with. They also unlocked a footlocker there that was just filled with more keys. The search continues.
Now we’re looking at a person just crying and eating potato chips. Really just sobbing. Should I wave? I’m going to wave. The person is waving back. Now the person is flipping me off. I’m closing the blinds again.
They say that Evil keeps a vial of mysterious matter from the early Universe, and it sounds like the wail of a million living things expiring. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for spreadsheets, memos, and the slow withering of the dignity of everyone in the labor force. Also, I want to take credit for how much I love this fanny pack. It feels ridiculous, but it’s just so useful. If you disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then prepare to spend a lot of time with spreadsheets. More time with spreadsheets. Even more than that. We know, you spend a lot of time with spreadsheets already, but it’s going to get worse.
Vickster Willow has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Vickster’s nemesis will be ruined. Vickster has selected Dik Dik O’FrikFrik as that Nemesis. We gave the wheel of misery a good tug and let it turn backwards for a little while. Then it stopped, and started turning the other way. I guess it has a preference after all. The Wheel finally landed on the position for Too Polite. From this day forward, Dik Dik O’FrikFrik will be 300% more polite, making it difficult for Dik Dik to get anything accomplished with the hundreds of necessary honorific terms and other niceties that must be said before getting to the point. For Evil measure, we will make Vickster Willow 18% less polite. Things could get ugly fast. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
I got to see the Damnation and Ruination Squad in action earlier this week. They’re all wearing those shorts where the butt shows a little from the bottom and hair metal concert tees.
Shareholders, Melantha’s office has come back into view. Oh, this is very interesting. She seems to be undergoing some sort of therapy. She has two women wearing lab coats, and I would hazard to guess nothing else, using syringes of some kind to inject something under her skin. Her subdermal LEDs are blinking much more quickly. We never get to look at her proprietary beauty treatments, so this is very interesting. Soundman Steven has started to take a video on his cell phone. Good work, Soundman. These beauty treatments are one of the things that Melantha’s company actually does better than ours. One reason for that is because we find certain beauty standards to be kind of passe. Disregard for right now that we are currently restructuring the bones in your face for aesthetic purposes. It’s something new we’re trying out. Melantha spends a lot of time trying to make people look like the people in magazines, whereas we at Kakos Industries are satisfied knowing no one looks like the people in magazines. That’s what makes it so Evil for us. From what we know of Melantha’s science, her modifications and treatments are stable. They don’t need upkeep. So this must be something new she’s working on. It seems that no level of beauty ever leaves her fully satisfied. That is a shame. I should call her again.
Corin: Hi, Melantha.
Melantha: Oh, if it isn’t my prank phone caller. Are you still outside my window, Mr. I-can-magically-fly-without-detection? Are you going to break into my window and come in here and have your way with me, Mr. big stalker man?
Corin: Wait, are we roleplaying again? You have to tell me if we’re roleplaying. And if we’re not, then gross.
Melantha: What am I doing now, Mr. Big Shot Creep who likes to act like he can control women so he doesn’t feel so bad about his wing wang not working?
Corin: What? That’s not what I’m doing.
Melantha: Did I strike a nerve? Are you feeling emasculated, you little shit? Feeling like one more woman is taking you down a peg?
Corin: Whoa, that is so not what’s happening here.
Melantha: Did it start with your mother, little boy? Was she not nice to you?
Corin: You were just getting one of your weird beauty treatments. Two women in lab coats were injecting you with something we haven’t identified yet, and all of your LEDs were blinking a lot. This is a courtesy. I just wanted you to know that I can see what’s going on so you can keep your company secrets or whatever.
Melantha: Wait, what?
Corin: And the blindfold comes off.
Melantha: You motherfucker.
Corin: I’ve been trying to tell you.
Melantha: Why is your building up against mine?
Corin: Because your building is floating.
Melantha: Don’t be ridiculous, Corin. How can my building be floating.
Corin: It’s true, Melantha. I went outside earlier to see for myself. At the time it was around three meters off the ground. You’re telling me none of this was on purpose?
Melantha: Jeremy! Get in here. Not you, the other Jeremy. THE ONE THAT ACTUALLY DOES WORK, Jeremy. Is this true? Well, why didn’t you tell me that that plan was going into effect today? Who cares if there’s a memo on my desk? You should have told me with words coming out of your mouth. You know I don’t always read those. You are going to be so punished, Jeremy! No, not you, Jeremy, the one right in front of me that actually does work! I just blew the whole damn surprise! We had plans! This was going to be EPIC, Jeremy, and you couldn’t just tell me that it was happening today? Fuckkkkkkkkkk. Well, Corin, I think it would be best if we didn’t tell anyone about this. In fact, forget it happened.
Corin: I’ve been broadcasting this for a little while now. I honestly thought you were fucking with me.
Melantha: (Laughter) Or maybe I am fucking with you, Corin.
Corin: I don’t think you are.
Melantha: What you saw today, my fitness routine, my beauty treatment, they were designed to throw you off, Corin. Those injections were actually just nutrition. I’m trying new ways to eat without feeling bloated, so I can be at my peak always. Nothing sensitive. And the yoga routine, well, I was actually trying to kill you, but apparently there’s something wrong with you and you survived.
Corin: If you were just trying to throw me off, then why did you just tell me.
Melantha: Did I tell you? Jeremy, push off! Goodbye, Corin! Until next time.
(A loud thud and cracking sound)
Corin: Goodbye, Melantha.
Well, shareholders, I don’t know what to think of that. We’ll analyze Soundman’s footage of the beauty treatments and see what we can get. Oh well. What a weird day. Good thing I’ve got my fanny pack to keep me grounded.
This brings us to the end of the broadcast. In a few minutes you will have to destroy your skulls. I’m just kidding. You’ll just take the conductor off of your head and destroy it. Simple. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the spirit of Springs. Plural. Special Guest appearance in this epsiode by Rebecca Ryan. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. We’ve recently expanded our social media team, so please visit the website to view their credits and current projects.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, Blaise Devletian, William Brandon, Angus McClintock McGillicutty and Courtney Campbell. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction, Euan Goodfield, director of The Division of Ever More Bizarre Injuries, Valerie Koop, Director of the Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public, Carl H, Director of the Division of Unanswered Messages, J.K. Runnings, Director of The Division of Darker Sound, and Danni Auttumns, director of The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has inadvertently invented the flying ball of yarn and fire when their floating fortress exploded. They’ve started work on an underwater city instead now. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has actually found the chupacabra bacteria. They can’t remember if they invented it or not, and they’re still looking into it. Don’t let it get close to your goats. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has started shipping a deep love of solitude with a deep yearning for social interaction. This could get messy. The Division of Ever More Bizarre Injuries has developed the torn ego. It mostly results from a poor dismount after a grand gesture. The Division of Inappropriate Games to Play in Public has invented Monopoly IRL, where you actually just buy properties in Atlantic City and try to crush your friends through dastardly dealings. The Division of Unanswered Messages has left a text unanswered for thirteen weeks now. I guess that person will never get an answer to “U up?”. The Division of Darker Sound has sealed a room off from every form of electromagnetic radiation. There are no photons inside except those from the electronics as they record the sounds inside. The Division of Unlikely Autocorrect Errors recently patched some phones to correct the phrase “ How are you?” to “I would like to sniff drugs off of you”. That’s going to cause some trouble in a lot of friendships. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help us to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try biting into something really bitter to bring yourself back to center.