episodes

78 – Halloween II

in which you visit the Halloween party, something terrible has happened, we hear from just about everyone, and some of us get slippery.

Transcription:

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What you are about to hear is a compilation of funny dog videos.

 

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients, and everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better. Shareholders, it’s Halloween! As you have probably guessed, I’m doing these announcements from the Halloween party. Things have been quite interesting, for those of you who are not here joining us. We’ve decorated the numerous Kakos lawns to represent the varying genres of horror. There’s a lawn for murder mysteries. There’s a lawn for body horror where you can get your anatomy rearranged if you so choose. There’s a 90% chance we can switch you back later. There’s also a lawn for supernatural horror. We’ve wheeled out some of our monsters to scare the attendees and we may have introduced a werewolf virus. There’s a lawn specially for religious horror, though spoiler alert, there aren’t any actual demons. There’s just monsters that look like demons. We’ve even got a lawn for existential horror, where the laws of physics periodically stop working. As you can imagine, that feat was not an easy one to pull off. Then there’s a lawn dedicated to jump scares. I’m not going over there. That sounds like bullshit to me, but it is exceedingly popular for some reason. Like there’s just a lot of our employees hiding places and jumping out. They’ve even worked out a pneumatic tube system so they can seemingly teleport. None of our employees actually trust us to teleport them anymore, so we’ve had to figure out ways to move their physical bodies from one place to another. There’s a section dedicated to carnival horror, for those of you who are simultaneously frightened and aroused by clowns, freaks, and strong men. We even opened up some of our tunnels for those of you who are claustrophobic, or have a fear of being buried alive. We didn’t actually decorate down there, we just sort of opened them up. So if you get stuck or something, help is not on the way. We probably won’t even look down there until we clean up for next year. Then there’s the dance floors where we have music, and drinks, and snacks, and drugs, and what have you. The typical party stuff. Except that it’s so much better because it’s us. There’s even a new formulation of psychoactive mist out there, and some UltraUltraPunch for the adventurous. If you’re here, then you have chosen wisely. This is a good place to be for Halloween. Celebrating her first Halloween here at Kakos Industries is Buffy Solomonari. Careful listeners will recall that Iele Solomonari once threatened to introduce me to Hailey’s younger sister if I did anything to cross her. Well, I guess I must have because I’ve been made babysitter for the evening. Baby sitter is perhaps unfair as Buffy is now an adult and entitled to her Kakos Industries celebrations. Chaperone is probably better. It’s helpful to have a chaperone if you haven’t been to one of our celebrations before. Otherwise, it’s far too easy to go overboard. And then you drown in your own excess. I’ve been told that if I touch Buffy in a sexual fashion, she would infect me with the second half to a specially designed virus that, when combined with the one I’m told I was given by Hailey, will kill me instantaneously. It would seem Iele doesn’t want her daughters feeding in the same places, or perhaps she just doesn’t want me touching Buffy. But besides all of that unpleasantness, Buffy has actually been a joy to watch over this evening. She has been kind and respectful, and she is doing an outstanding job of staying quiet during the broadcast. If she behaves, I’ve promised I will take her down to the party later and let her take part in the festivities. This is what her mother told me to do, and out of the immense respect I have for Iele, I am following her orders. If you’re listening, Iele, everything is under control, and you should go back to having a great time at the party. I know how you like to party. You have nothing to worry about here. Isn’t that right, Buffy. She’s nodding. Outstanding.

 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from what appears to be a cheap plastic skeleton that dances when you push the button on its head. Ordinarily it does, anyway. When you pushed the button today, it began receiving these announcements. It is however, still dancing, if the spec sheet is to be believed. We have some of these skeletons hung up throughout the various lawns and the building itself so that you shareholders can hear these announcements and stay up to date. But you should party. Don’t worry about what I have to say right now. Just enjoy yourselves. Do some Evil. And not just the drug we recently introduced called “Evil”. Do all the Evil. Enjoy the Evil. The spec sheet in front of me says that these skeletons have a small and inexpensive speaker somewhere behind the head, and the speaker really excels in the mid range. I am told that the skeleton should be hung on a wall as a decoration, otherwise it may get up and begin wrecking your home. While dancing. If you don’t have it hung up right now, I’d hurry. For those of you who are not shareholders and are somehow still near one of these dancing skeletons, I would recommend leaving. The skeletons can smell your lack of involvement in Evil and will begin to stalk you terminator-style. And if you aren’t a shareholder, but you aren’t being stalked, well then you’ve learned something new about yourself. Welcome. We’re having a party.

 

We recently had the celebration of books. Like every year, it turned into a bespectacled fuck fest in pretty much no time. Honestly, I wonder how many of you even read. It really seems like you just come down here for the sex. I mean, who doesn’t. But there are some interesting books on display, you know? Some really intriguing and life changing books. This would be a great place for an audio book plug if I was sponsored by an audio book company. There’s the Book of Fire, an ancient text that discusses almost everything you can do with fire and how hard it made the author when he tried each thing. There’s the book of old civilizations that spends great time and effort detailing each civilization that rose and fell before the beginning of history. There’s also a book that turns into a hot tub. You guys found that one at least. We’re still trying to decide if it’s worth cleaning or if we should just throw it out. Probably the later. As critical as I can be of your behavior at the celebrations, I did get involved myself this time. It was pretty enjoyable, I must say. Although I did catch the Tabithas trying a number of disguises to get close to me. They’ve been sufficiently yelled at.

 

Coming up, we have the Festival of Anti-Celebration and then Black Friday. As you know, most holidays suck. They are for families. They are for quiet times. They are for reflection. They are for huddling together for as much psychological warmth as we can muster to make it through the shortest days. They suck. I don’t know why we can’t have Halloween again. Or maybe WinterHorror, or some other celebration that embraces how dark and scary things can be. The Festival of Anti-Celebration gives us permission to not celebrate, or to celebrate wrong. To do the wrong things. To do the things that bring us catharsis during these intense times. We will encourage all of you to join us for the Festival of Anti-Celebration. And as all of you know, we love capitalism here at Kakos Industries. It’s the perfect blend of power structure and disenfranchisement that makes everything we do so Evil. And Black Friday is the time when we get everyone everywhere to double down on their commitment to consumerism. It is fantastic Evil.

 

Now, before I get into the rest of what I had planned for today, I would like to read a few passages from a new bornography text that we developed. It’s titled “Numbers that Mean Very Little, and Have Virtually No Significance to Anyone or any Field of Study”. Here’s the opening paragraph. “We have known about numbers for some time. Some even believe that we humans invented numbers. We use numbers to indicate numbers of things. How many a thing is. Numbers can be used to count. Numbers can even be imaginary. Let’s imagine some numbers together. Imagine the square root of negative two. That’s an imaginary imaginary number. How fantastic. Can you imagine the number three? But try not to think of three things. And try not to think of any symbols you associate with the number three. Just think about threeness. Let’s breathe and think about threeness. Are you threeness? Do you feel threeness? Excellent work!”

(The audio starts dipping down)

(cell phone buzz)

Okay, shareholders, that’s a text from Iele saying that she’s about to go get sideways and scope out some fuccbois. She wishes me luck with the broadcast and tells me to keep an eye on her pumpkin. Fuck. I cannot tell you how fucked I am. I was in charge of watching Buffy for ten minutes, I turn my back one time, and now she’s fucking dead in the studio. I have no idea what the fuck happened here. It looks like she was stabbed in the back or something. There’s blood and goo everywhere. There’s like pus coming out of her nose. I have no idea what happened. I am SO FUCKED. Iele is never going to forgive me for this. Seeing as Buffy is already fucking dead, I have two courses of action: covering my ass, and seeking revenge. Fortunately for one of those two things, everyone who has had access to Buffy since she was alive is now locked in the studio with me. I was about to interview them about how great the party was, and now we’re on lockdown. Shareholders, if you’re playing along at home, the list of suspects includes:

 

Corin: Dirk Sexplosion.

Dirk: I’m innocent!

Corin: Hailey Solomonari.

Hailey: (crying) My sister is dead!

Corin: Angus Lachlan, hunter of the good.

Angus: I would never!

Corin: Thi person that is obviously Melantha in a bad disguise.

Melantha: WHat? Who’s Marlantha? I’m M… M… Madeleine. Madeleine… Matryr.

Corin: Bazizka, formerly Helena Concutio!

Helena: Beep beep boop boop.

Corin: That’s your introduction?

Helena: Yes.

Corin. Fine. Dennis Leelio, from TINFOIL, The Intergalactic Network For Otherworldy Industry Liaisons.

Dennis: This is just perfect!

Corin: Felix Moloch.

Felix: Oooh! Spoooky!

Corin: Junior.

Junior: Don’t be ridiculous.

Corin: Probably a DarkMegaUSSR spy.

Sveta: Who, me? My costume is soviet spy. I do not break character. I am method actor.

Corin: This letter I got from my grandfather that says, “In case of murder mystery”, and then there’s Soundman.

(A pause)

Corin: We shall see about that. Now, first things first. I need to write an email to Dr. Dunkelwissen. Subject line: URGENT. DEAD BODY. He likes those sorts of emails. Body of email: “Dunk, I need your help ASAP. I’ve got a dead body, and I need it to be alive again yesterday. Tell me what my options are.” Send. Glad that’s out of the way. I hope he’s not super fucking high right now, because the email I get back will be worthless if he is. Now, first suspect. Hailey Solomonari!

 

Hailey: Yes?

Corin: Why did you kill your sister, Hailey?

Hailey: Kill my sister? How could I? She’s my sister, Corin! I only kill when I feed and I would never feed on my sister!

Corin: She’s younger than you. Perhaps you are jealous of her pep and bounce?

Hailey: That’s some misogynist bullshit, Corin. And I could never kill my sister. I love her! She’s my best friend. I only kill when I feed, Corin. I don’t know any other way! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Corin: Maybe you thought her Halloween costume was cuter than yours! You couldn’t live with the injustice.

Hailey: We’re wearing the same costume! We’re both naked with little witchy hats! It’s the same costume.

Corin: You’re right. It is. Fine. I believe you. Back to the lineup! Next is Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion!

Dirk: Okay, take it easy there, Corin. I’m complying, okay? I’m moving really slowly. You can see my hands. I’m no threat to you, Corin. I’m no threat to anyone. I’m just a guy in a big happy bear suit, Corin.

Corin: I know you’re not going to hurt me, Dirk. The question is, did you hurt Buffy? Did you slice her open? Did she reject your advances? Did she make you feel small?

Dirk: I’ve never even spoken to her, Corin. I also wasn’t interested in her. I’ve got plenty of love at home with my poly family, Corin.

Corin: Dirk, you work all day at a company that kills people. Your success is measured in harm and deaths. What if you just couldn’t get out of that mindset. We would understand. If anyone would understand, it’s us here at Kakos Industries. We could get where you’re coming from. Just tell me. Between friends.

Dirk: No, Corin. I didn’t do this. I’m going to reach into my bear suit and bring out a piece of paper. I’m going to move really slowly.

Corin: Dirk, I have never been less afraid of someone.

Dirk: Here, Corin. Read this.

Corin: This is a doctor’s note?

Dirk: Read it, Corin.

Corin: “It is my diagnosis that Mr. Sexplosion is utterly and totally incapable of violence. I recommend immediate treatment with anti-anti-violence drugs until a reasonable blood thirst can be establish.” Dirk, why didn’t you tell me?

Dirk: I was afraid! I was embarrassed! Now you know my shame!

Corin: this is pretty shameful. Have you started your anti-anti-violence treatments?

Dirk: Yes, but they take some time to work, Corin. They need weeks. I won’t see the effects for some time.

Corin: Fine. I guess I believe you. Next is Helena Concutio!

 

Corin: Helena, I mean Bazizka, are you dressed as a robot?

Helena: I am a robot, Corin! Look how rough my movements are. Beep Beep Boop Boop. I am a robot.

Corin: I gotta say that a cyborg dressed as a robot is a little uninspired.

Helena: But look at the cardboard, Corin! Look at how badly I colored it in. The Internet told me this would be super duper cute and get me all the likes.

Corin: I guess I kind of get it. Now, why did you kill Buffy?

Helena: When I first entered this room, Corin, I detected your annoyance with Buffy. She is a brat; there is no doubt in my mind. It was then that I thought of killing her.

Corin: So you admit to it!

Helena: I do not. I did not kill her, Corin. As much as I wanted to, I did not. I knew that this situation would cause you problems at work, so I avoided it.

Corin: Are you lying to me, Bazizka? Did you see her as somehow replacing you as number one thorn in my side? Did you feel jealous? Filled with rage?

Helena: I cannot lie to you, Corin. It is not within my programming.

Corin: What about your human brain?

Helena: It does not wish to lie to you, so I cannot lie to you.

Corin: You lie to me all the time.

Helena: No, Corin. I mislead you — often. I do not lie. I did not kill Buffy Solomonari. If I did, then my self destruct mechanism will engage.

Corin: Fuck, Helena, we’re locked in here! Don’t do that! You’ll kill all of us, and especially me! That’s not okay!

Helena: Bazizka. And I told you the truth, Corin. I will not self destruct at this time.

Corin: Okay, fine. I believe you.

 

I just got an email back from Dr. Dunkelwissen. “Corin, my main damie. That is quite a pickle pangie. How long that body been down dangie?” Well, he only sounds a little high. Let’s see, She’s been dead for, I don’t know, twenty minutes? Send. Now back to work. Melantha!

 

Hailey: Hi, Melantha! Your costume is banging!

Melantha: I’m telling you, I have no idea who this Melantha is. I’m Madaleine. Madaleine Martinski.

Corin: You said Martyr, earlier.

Melantha: It’s a nickname. Why would I lie about my name?

Corin: Because you’re Melantha.

Melantha: I don’t know who this Melantha is, but I bet she wouldn’t be caught dead at one of your parties!

Corin: You have blinking LEDs under your skin. I know exactly one person who has those.

Melantha: But they’re becoming all the rage. Everyone loves them now. They’re so fresh and popular.

Corin: They’re turning green. Is that fear? Anxiety? It’s been a while since I’ve seen a mood ring.

Melantha: Don’t be silly. Only an idiot would make their subdermal LEDs blink in accordance with their emotions. It’s random. Purely random.

Corin: Well, it’s probably for the best that you’re not Melantha. I wouldn’t wish the shame of running that company on anyone.

Melantha: Oh! Well I’ve heard her company is doing really well. Might even be the best ever, they say.

Corin: LEDs turned red for anger. That’s what I wanted to know. So… Ms. Martyr, what are you dressed as?

Melantha: Obviously I’m the Green Gambler.

Corin: Who?

Melantha: From Evil Comics?

Corin: Wait, from the seventies? That’s a deep cut, Melantha.

Melantha: I’m, – how you say? – bringing her back.

Corin: I called you Melantha.

Melantha: I got tired of correcting you. I’m Madeleine. Madeleine Martinski.

Corin: And why did you kill Buffy?

Melantha: I didn’t.

Corin: Was it because you relationship with Hailey has been falling apart?

Melantha: Who is this Hailey you speak of?

Hailey: Hi! I’m Hailey!

Corin: Was there something in her genetic code that you wanted to harvest?

Melantha: No. I didn’t do this. I was in that corner over there the whole time. I never even came close to her. I have no reason to want to kill her.

Corin: Fine. I guess I believe you. Even if you are Melantha in a bad disguise.

Melantha: It’s not a disguise. You’re insulting my face.

Corin: Whatever. Back to the line with you! Angus, you’re up next.

 

Angus: We Lachlans exclusively hunt the good, Corin, and you and I both know that woman there is as Evil as they come. I said hello to her and instead of responding, she tried to take a bite out of me. With her teeth. I’m still bleeding, Corin. Look. No. Not that one. This one. No, this one over here. This one. This is the bite wound from her.

Corin: So you have motive.

Angus: Actually, I kind of liked it. It’s been awhile since anyone has tried to put the moves on me Outback Style.

Corin: Angus, you have a blade on your hip right now. It looks like it could have easily cut her.

Angus:*Sigh* Her name is Delilah, Corin. And as you’ll see from her inscription (sword draw), she is only for cutting good things or semi-good things. This is my family’s honor, Corin. If I cut myself shaving I have to immediately apologize to my grandmother. We Lachlans only hurt the good.

Corin: I don’t know why, but that makes sense to me. What’s your costume, anyway?

Angus: Hah! It’s legend, Corin. I’m dressed as a DarkMegaKiwi. You see, their outdoorsmen wear their blades on the other side. Silly Little bastards. It’s a pretty clever costume if I do say so myself.

Corin: Back to the lineup with you. Okay, obvious spy, you’re up. What’s your name?

 

Sveta: I’m Svetlana Vladislavovna Pavlichenko. You may call me Sveta. I am no spy. I am shareholder. My family immigrated many years ago. I am dressed as spy for costume from Alan Gund movies. I take Halloween very seriously.

Corin: Why did you kill Buffy?

Sveta: I did not kill the naked one. I never spoke to her.

Corin: How do I know you aren’t an assassin?

Sveta: Where would I hide weapon in spy dress? I have no blade.

Corin: I don’t know, you could be hiding weapons anywhere.

Sveta: Very well. I will undress.

Corin: I didn’t ask you to do that.

Junior: Dude. Nice.

Sveta: Look, Mr. Deeth. With your own eyes. You can see I am hiding literally nothing from you.

Junior: Dude.

Corin: Wait, is that a tattoo of the DarkMegaUSSR flag?

Sveta: Is ironic. Like your hipster.

Corin: I’m sorry, Sveta, but we’re going to have to ask you some more questions later.

Sveta: First you strip me naked, then you lock me up. What kind of fiend are you, Mr. Deeth?

Corin: I did not ask you to take your clothes off. And probably a lot of kinds of fiend if I’m being honest. Back to the lineup!

 

Okay, I just got an email back from Dr. Dunkelwissen. “No can do, damey do. Should I swizzle up some clone juice for stead?” Yes. But only if we can at least put some of her memories back. LEt me know what you need. Dennis Leelio. You’re next.

 

Dennis: This is just perfect, Corin. I can’t believe this. I did nothing wrong, okay. I’ve just been standing here. I didn’t even want to party. Do you know what I had to do today, Corin? It was awful. I met this creature, Corin. It was just a disgusting abomination. It touched me in weird places, and I had to let it, because it was just communicating. That’s how they communicate. They wanna touch on your body. That’s just how it talk, Corin. Can you believe it? I can’t. And now what do I do, Corin? I get talked into coming to the party by fucking Deborah from accounting, and now you think I’m some kind of murderer. I’ve never seen this girl in my life before, and now she’s dead, and of course they’re going to blame it on me! It’s always Dennis! It’s never Derek, even though he’s a fucking idiot who can’t even keep the Bleezcocks away from the Bluzzcocks. This is just perfect. This is just how it goes, I guess. Lock me up. Lock me up. Kill me. Kill me. It’s been a life, Corin. It’s been a real life. A real fucking life, okay. Just a life. You know what? I don’t even care. I’m fucking over it. Okay? If you knew what I have to do every damn day to make sure this operation just runs smoothly, you’d never accuse me of murder, Corin. You’d say thank you. Okay? You’d say thank you so much. You’re the best, Dennis. We all rely on you. But instead, I have to have conferences with life forms that communicate with poop, Corin. Poop. They just poop and you have to interpret it. It’s like Rosetta Stone for shit. Their literature is poop. Their pop art is poop. It’s all poop, Corin. Just like my life. Just like my fucking life –

Corin: Okay, just go back to the lineup. Just… stop. Junior… Well, I guess you can stay where you are.

 

Junior: I didn’t kill her. In fact I was kind of hoping we might smash later. I bet she’d really love my one-eyed monster, if you know what I mean, Corin.

Corin: You mean your dick. It’s the only thing you ever mean.

Junior: That’s fair.

Corin: So she rejected you and you used one of your big claws to kill her. You just slit her up the back and let her bleed out.

Junior: Well, I hadn’t exactly gotten around to talking to her yet.

Corin: So she didn’t reject you.

Junior: I was giving her the look, though. The one that says “let’s do it”.

Corin: And she rolled her eyes?

Junior: We never made eye contact.

Corin: Okay. It’s pretty obvious you’re too much of a wuss to have killed her.

Junior: Wuss! Ha! I laugh at the thought!

Corin: Just quiet down.

Junior: Hey, spy lady. I’ve seen yours. Want to see mine later?

 

Corin: Felix.

Felix: Helloooooooo, Corin! How are you on this fine evening! I have to say that the festivities are going so well out there. Everything has gone to plan and people are having a joyous, if terrifying time. My colleagues and I in the Division of Insurmountable Fear really outdid ourselves this year. Have you seen the jump scares, Corin? They will make you leap! And maybe pee a little.

Corin: Why did you kill Buffy?

Felix: I didn’t kill Buffy! I never kill. I only scare, Corin. Sometimes I kill by scaring, but I think we can agree that’s not what happened here.

Corin: True.

Felix: Corin, I hope you don’t find this request strange, but would it be possible for me to take a sample of that sweat on your brow right there? I don’t normally ask for things like this, but you see, the fear you’re experiencing now is so rare and unique that I don’t get many opportunities to research it.

Corin: You want my sweat?

Felix: Please.

Corin: No.

Felix: You’re no fun, Corin.

 

Now, I can’t imagine why I got a letter from my grandfather today. Although I can imagine that he did go through quite a few scenarios involving the death of coworkers and coworkers’ families, so maybe he has some wisdom to share with me. Let’s see what it says. “Corin, it’s your old granpappy. No, you never called me that, but I thought I would try it out. Anyway, I know that you’ve found yourself in a tricky situation where someone you know is dead and you have to find the culprit. I know what you’re thinking, but I have to tell you that I didn’t do it. You see, Corin, I’ve been dead for many years by the time you’re reading this, so there’s just no way I killed this person. Maybe indirectly. I did sign off on a lot of questionable construction work in my day, so it’s entirely possible that did someone in. But I simply could not have done the direct violence to put you in the situation you’re in now. I’m happy you thought of me, but it just wasn’t me. And I have no advice. Bye.” That… that must be the worst one yet.

 

And then there was one. Soundman. How could you have done it? How could you have gone behind my back to do something so heinous? How could you get me into such trouble? Is it because I shot your penis? Come on, man, that was like a year ago. You have to let bygones be bygones. Soundman, you know that I love you, and I’m going to help you get out of this. You’re a murderer now. It happens sometimes. We’ll clean this up. Don’t try to defend yourself. I’ve thoroughly and completely examined the alibis of everyone else. It has to be you. Stop pretending. I just got an email from Dr. Dunkelwissen here. It says that he can do a quick and dirty clone job, but he’ll need a skin sample. Or, as he puts it, a sam sam of that derm. It’ll be okay, Soundman. She was kind of ditsy. We don’t even have to get her memories right. No one here will tell. It’ll be okay. Let me just see if I can get a sample of the skin here.

 

Wait a second.

 

Why didn’t you guys tell me there’s nothing but skin here? She’s hollow. It’s just a thin layer of skin and nothing inside. It’s really impressive that it’s holding its shape so well. And it has all of her hair. It’s just skin and hair. And a witchy hat. Soundman, did you suck all of her flesh and bones out from inside of her skin? Have you been some sort of gore sucking monster this whole time? You should have told me.

 

(another cell phone buzz)

 

I just got a text from Iele. It reads “Why the fuck is my daughter running around the party naked? Just caught her at the dance floor. WHERE IS HER COSTUME?” She slipped out of her skin?

 

Hailey: Ooops. I forgot that we like molt or something. It’s part of our… thing. She must have slipped out of her skin, her hair, her costume, and then snuck out. In that state she could slip under the door, Corin. She is so sneaky. That is so classic Buffy.

 

Soundman, I’m sorry. I should not have insinuated so strongly that you had done something unspeakable. Well, I guess that’s that. Everything is fine and we can go back to partying. Except that all of your footsteps would literally ruin the broadcast so just hold still for a little longer. And now Buffy’s skin is gone. Did Dr. Dunkelwissen sneak in through a secret door again? I should really tell him that the cloning plan is off.

 

The numbers are next, shareholders.

 

99

87

64

30

99

87

64

30

99

87

64

30

99

87

64

30

 

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently comparing Green Chile recipes.Special guest appearances in this episode by Hanna Jones as Hailey Solomonari, Adam Miszuk as Angus Lachlan, Anwar Newton as Dirk Sexplosion and Dennis Leelio, Rebecca Ryan as Melantha Murther or Madeleine Martinski or something, Kim Aiello as Svetlana Pavlichenko, and Lindsey Forry as Helena Concutio. All other voices are Conrad Miszuk. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, Blaise Devletian, and Courtney Campbell. Also thanks to our honored employees Katiana Greer, who ate her way through a chocolate fondue monster, saving hundreds, and Valerie Koop who managed to get a ring around the neck of a bottle, saving the budget for the entire Division of Miming. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Morgan Wohlbrandt, director of the Division of Minimally Sentimental Greeting Cards, and Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbably Slash Fiction. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has constructed so many knit turbines that the Kakos Industries green lawn is starting to look like a macrame monet. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology claims to have accidentally killed their only sample of living water, leaving them with ordinary dead water. There are some photographs of the living water circulating on message boards on the Internet, though. The Division of Minimally Sentimental Greeting Cards has expanded the Sorry I Guess line of greeting cards. The newest one reads “Gout again? Sorry I guess.” The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has recently started shipping a couple of ancient mummified corpses that we found on two opposite ends of the planet from probably two entirely different eras. Somehow, they apparently knew each other before being torn apart forever by a time warp. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

 

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered just eating ants?

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