75 – Podcast
in which you dress up like a big veiny guy, Corin gives broadcasting advice, everyone comes together, Corin receives some unsolicited photographs, and Nick Evans “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear might make you feel something… for the first time in forever.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you and all of our clients to Do Evil Better. Really, we help the whole world to Do Evil Better whether they notice it or not. Whether it’s that little lie you told for convenience’s sake, or that time you did that thing, but you’re totally not that person now, or anything else. In fact, you are not that person now, and we at Kakos Industries have to continuously grow to make sure that we keep meeting you where you are. If you grow and mature, then so must we. I am CEO, Corin Deeth III, and I am so pleased to be sharing these announcements with you today, shareholders. I am told that for some of you, today is your shareholder anniversary. This is the that fateful day when you did, said, thought, or tasted the Evil that brought you into our warm, maybe too warm, why is it so warm, clutches. So to each of you who joined us on this day, I thank you, and I celebrate you. If you were here at Kakos Industries right now, you might see a somewhat different celebration. If you are at all paying attention, you might know that this is the day of the year where something always goes wrong, and that something generally has to do with a penis. Today, all of my staff are dressed as penises in honor of Penis Day. At first, I was upset about this development, but then I tried to catch one of my employees and beat him down, but he was too damn slippery. I made an announcement saying that this celebration was in fact offensive to the entire Wood family, but everyone seemed to simultaneously not give a single DarkMega shit. I resolved myself to being okay after all and went about my day, until I was put face to face with yet another giant penis ruining my day.
Junior: Hello, Kakos Industries Shareholders. It is I, Junior, the most intelligent creature on Earth, and I am in Corin’s recording studio.
Corin: It’s funny, because I designed this studio to be just too small for you to fit.
Junior: And your construction team expanded your design to comply with the Kakosians with Gigantism Act, requiring that all spaces fit all Kakos Industries employees.
Corin: I’m pretty sure we have some people that have to stand outside because they are too large.
Junior: There’s a cutoff. It’s just larger than me. Everyone else is granted telepresence robots.
Corin: So what brings you, and… your third leg into my studio today?
Junior: You see, Corin, I don’t have to dress up today. My Johnson is already larger than Peter Wood at his most excited. I am celebrating every day it seems.
Corin: So you’re just here to annoy me, then?
Junior: Yes. And no. Corin, I have an idea, and I would like your opinion.
Corin: But you are the smartest thing alive, or so you say.
Junior: My raw intelligence cannot always make up for wisdom and experience.
Corin: So what experience do I have that you need?
Junior: Your broadcasting experience.
Corin: Broadcasting? Like these announcements?
Junior: Exactly, Corin. I wish to be… a podcaster!
Corin: A podcaster? Who listens to podcasts?
Junior: Don’t you know, Corin? Podcasting is the wave of the future! No one watches movies anymore. No one watches TV. Everyone commutes too long for such enjoyment activities. Now they listen to podcasts. And soon, they will listen to me!
Corin: Okay, Junior. What’s your idea?
Junior: I want to host an interview podcast. I want to talk to people of note from around the world. Celebrities. Comedians. Hot chicks.
Corin: Okay. Well, I’m sure Soundman Steven can help you get started on the equipment.
Junior: No! Equipment is the easy part, Corin. I will not become a gear snob. The content of my podcast is what will count.
Corin: So what’s your pitch then?
Junior: I would like to interview you, Corin.
Corin: Okay, make an appointment and I can probably find five minutes or so…
Junior: NO! NOW!
Corin: Oh… Okay.
Junior: QUestion one! Why are you so stupid?
Corin: Is that what you’re going to ask everyone, Junior?
Corin: No one will agree to be on your show. You have to be nice to your guests!
Junior: I will tweet about them!
Corin: That’s not enough. If you want people to be on your show, you have to make them look good.
Junior: Fine! I will… reconsider.
Corin: Is this what reconsidering looks like? It looks like you’re pulling on your dick.
Junior: This is how I think. Ignore me!
Corin: I’ll do my best.
Today’s broadcast is coming to your from Shaft Electronics’ new three-piece sound system. The first piece is a long slender speaker filled with tweeters. The other two are sub woofers that support the longer soundbar, which I assure you is supposed to be mounted vertically. It doesn’t take an audiophile to tell you that this setup is inadequate, but it is penis-shaped, which was apparently the goal. Hurray. More penis references. We sure do love those today, and always, don’t we, Kakos Industries. (Heavy sigh)
Did you have an enjoyable Celebration of Self Love, shareholders? Our readings for global sexual experience spiked dramatically during the celebration. I should share one odd note about this celebration, which is that, for some reason, while you were loving yourselves, all of our shareholders seemed to sync up and experience a climax at exactly the same moment sometime around Tuesday. Our indications are that you all found just that thing that got your mind really going and took you to new heights, and that that moment was synchronized with everyone else. Everyone else. Everyone here at Kakos Industries and all of you shareholders. There was a steady increase in enjoyment everywhere, and then the chart begins to rise dramatically in a way that only happens when many people are reaching sexual heights together. Then the peak got higher and higher, telling us that this was no small group of people, but just possibly everyone at once. And then the numbers rose even higher without falling even once, telling us that somehow, all of you out there had synchronized your sexual experiences, bringing about the most dramatic peak in global sexual release we have ever seen. The peak of sexual experience on our charts was very nearly off the charts. We set our charts high enough to include events like these in case we ever do cause them. It’s valuable data and you don’t want to be caught off guard. When you had that dirty, nasty, self-sacrificial orgasm that totally blew your mind on Tuesday, you should rest easily, or perhaps very uncomfortably, knowing that everyone else did as well. People you know. People you might be related to. People relating to other taboos that I could mention here. When you found yourself in the glorious afterglow, breathing heavily, muscles weak, you should know that you were definitely not alone. Not by a long shot. My first idea, being the CEO of an Evil and often highly sexual company, was that we might be able to use this as a bonding experience. To reduce the taboos around our own pleasure and that of others. Instead, no one in the office talked to each other for a whole day after we told them. Things are back to normal now; I did mention that everyone is dressed as giant penises to upset me, so there’s that. But it took this strange event so that everyone could look each other in the eye again. They know what they were doing at that moment. They know what everyone else was doing. They know what they were thinking. And the knowledge that they were somehow not alone is uncomfortable. I do not believe that we caused this shareholders. Perhaps there is a new fundamental force for sexual mojo that flows through the whole world that we will need to research. Or maybe it took place after some synchronizing event that I am unaware of, like meeting a bunch of cars on the road at a stoplight. All we know is that it was big. And for that, I commend you, shareholders. You went deep. Really deep. I was actually at the statue of Bazzizzazizz-Ah when the rest of you were having that simulgasm, and I still did not feel a damn thing. Perhaps Bernice Largo is right to say that I am too stressed out. Still, I don’t think throwing extra sex at me will solve the problem, Bernice.
Did you have a fun time at Evil Con? I am sorry that I was unable to attend this year. I really enjoy going and watching the lengths that all of you will go to to experience anything meaningful in your lives at all. To wait in line for hours while bleeding from a very special wound that is both personally identifiable and verifiable on our end, so we could let you into the building. We really put the crypt in cryptography here. Or at least we put a lot of you into crypts, anyway. The haul for this year was the limited edition Evil Marie doll, based on the hit show Evil Marie. The reason this doll was so sought after and so limited edition is that Evil Marie’s actress, Donna Jablome, was found to be doing Good on the side. So this limited edition of one statue actually has her inside of it. There’s an air hole in the metal, so she’ll last a little bit. What you do with that knowledge is up to you, lucky bidder!
We are now making preparations for the CEO Festival of The Dance. We’re making those two festivals one to save ourselves some time this year. The last couple CEO Festivals have been kind of lame, and have involved far too much roasting of me. I can take a joke. A joke. Not hundreds. You monsters. Instead, this year, I invite all of you to come down and compete for my favor by dancing in front of me. We will be hosting some classes to get you familiar with the basics. I’m looking forward to seeing what you do.
Coming up, I am told that our various rulebooks indicate it’s time for a Kakos Industries Rodeo. I’m a little embarrassed to say that, contrary to the placard that hangs in my office, this will be my first rodeo. I am told that we will have a variety of mutant and genetic abominations for our wranglers to wrangle, and that also, for entertainment, some of you will be selected randomly from the stands, stripped naked, and then chased down by those same wranglers. It will apparently be an amazing time. Anything that dies on the field will then be barbecued and then served for dinner with a side of beans.
Junior: Corin, I have finished thinking.
Corin: I can see that. We’ll get you some paper towels.
Junior: Corin, I would like to start an Audio Drama.
Corin: Well, I’ve heard that those are getting pretty popular these days.
Junior: Yes, Corin. This is where I will begin! Soon, I will have my own television pilot.
Corin: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, Junior.
Junior: In the story, I will be the ruler of an Evil kingdom! I will name myself Junius Splatius, King of all that is Evil.
Corin: That sounds like a decent start. People love Evil. So, uh, what’s your plot?
Junior: No plot, Corin! Just awesome Evil shenanigans! And sex, Corin! So much sex! As the king of all Evil, I will be having sex with numerous fine maidens and many Evil creatures!
Corin: Well, you can’t just have sex with everyting, Junior. That’s not a good story. No one wants to hear about your imaginary sexual exploits. You gotta take yourself out of the story. You gotta be willing to make your main character suffer. Is there anyone your character won’t have sex with?
Junior: I will write of all of my amazing sexual conquests and just what a great king I am!
Corin: this is going to be so boring for your audience. You can’t just have stories of sexual conquest. Where the pain? How does your main character need to grow?
Corin: Your characters have to grow. Is your king of all Evil new at the job? Did he inherit a legacy that’s impossible to live up to from a parent or grandparent? Does he need to learn to rule? Does he come across as way stronger than he is to put forth a brave face on all that he experiences?
Junior: That sounds just terrible. Why would anyone listen to a story like that? Mine will be nothing but sex and gore and conquering the lesser evil nations. Subjugation! Tyranny!
Corin: Okay, you write the first draft of that and tell me if it doesn’t bore you to tears, ya fuckin’ Mary Sue.
Junior: Fine! I will.
Corin: Do you want a pen or something?
Junior: No, this is how I write!
Corin: I just don’t feel great about you doing that in here. Some, uh, past trauma.
Junior: This is how I think and write! Do I judge your creative process, Corin?
Corin: Just make sure that you don’t skip the boring bits in your head. That’s where you run into trouble when you write it down later.
Junior: I know how to write, Corin. And what is it that you write, anyway, just the notes for these announcements? Half of this information is handed to you. I reject your expertise on this matter.
Corin: You know that you speed up when you’re yelling at me?
Junior: It’s because I’m angry, you fool!
Corin: Just keep thinking, I guess. Quietly. And try not to point it at me.
The Tabitha’s have taken up hobbies. It seems that no amount of fidget toys fill up the free time they have here at work. Tabitha has begun to knit. I am told that she knits a variety of monsters, as well as a variety of sexual organs. The knit creations have started to take over their office just outside of mine, I am told. At the same time Tabitha has started working on app development. I am told that her greatest achievement thus far is an app called BodyLingua, which is a dating app that only allows you to communicate via nude photos of yourself. I don’t know how this app wound up on my phone, but both Tabithas have been sending me a variety of nude photographs. Hailey as well, though I think she sends those to everyone.
I have some strange news regarding Helga. When I said last time that The Division of Unhealthy Beauty Fads thought she looked great, I did not think they would then ask her to do some modeling for them. Now there are photos of Helga all over the building. I asked their director, Jane Pain if her thinness didn’t make them uncomfortable. She said of course it did, and that was the point. That’s the point of all modeling. Something pretty that looks like it’s dying. I asked if Helga was actually dying. Jane said, “she sure is beautiful.” Then I later saw Brosephus. He looked me in the eye and said, “Not cool.” I guess he isn’t pleased about leaving her in the dungeon so long. Then we played video games anyway. It’s good to have him back. Helga will be fine. Probably. It’s not like the fashion industry has ever done anything bad to a model.
I visited Jasmine Aashna in the Division of Erotic Experiences once again. I tend to keep an eye on this division because prior incarnations of the division have done terrible things that we all must live with. Now, my mind might have been playing tricks on me, but the people in the test chambers really look like they’re developing pig-like, and maybe rabbit-like features. I saw some charts indicating that the people she was testing on were having more frequent sex, and more pleasurable sex, and much extended climaxes. This is all good work. I asked Jasmine if the people were becoming more animal-like, though. She said that was probably just a figment of my imagination. Then, the strangest thing happened. I could have sworn that Dr. Dunkelwissen stepped into her lab from a back door, but right when he did that, Jasmine lifted her shirt and screamed “What do you think of these, Deeth?” She sort of shook her breasts at me. It was distracting to say the least as Jasmine is, of course, quite beautiful. She put her shirt back and then I told her I’m not in the habit of rating or ranking people’s bodies. Only losers get hung up on their ten scales. And when I finally refocused on the room around me, whoever came in the back door had left again. Strange things at the Division of Erotic Experiences.
Meredith Gorgoro tells me that her plans for an engine that runs on human misery are coming to fruition. Recently she has had the Helots looking inward instead of moving boulders, and now I think I understand. Placing one of the Helots into the device and putting them through a mind and body opening routine often leaves them screaming and wailing about the earliest pains in their life. Surprisingly, a huge amount of energy is released, and the engine turns, moving boulders, crushing stones, and punishing the disobedient workers. Interesting stuff.
Shareholders, I would like to take this time to do an employee spotlight. Let’s see how long we can keep these going before I forget again, losing this segment to the dust of history. Today, I am honoring Bob Bob Bob, who has just been named the head of the Division of Danger. I probably don’t have to tell you, shareholders, that the Division of Danger has a habit of killing its division head within about two weeks of them being named, but Bob Bob Bob has fearlessly taken the mantle. Thank you Bob Bob Bob.
The medication developed by the Division of Labor last time has had some interesting side effects. While it does make people think less and better at math, it also has the effect of making their eyes leak. I’m not sure I can call the liquid tears because the subjects don’t seem anything but neutral as they work. Just liquid falling constantly from their eyes. It’s pretty eerie, which honestly is a plus for us.
They say that Evil is a gentle and tender lover that always leaves before morning. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for microtransactions, pay-to-win, and video game addiction. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for all of these things, but we really really think so, and if you don’t, then maybe you won’t think so much in the future. Be careful.
Nick Evans has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Nick has selected Ssssss as his nemesis. Ssssss? Like a hiss? Is this a snake or something? We don’t know? Okay. We spun the Wheel of Misery and it stopped quite suddenly on the space for Noncrucial. From this day forward, Ssssss, whoever they may be, will be much less crucial in all scenarios, and often times left out altogether. For extra measure, Nick Evans will be 10% more crucial in many situations, making Nick get up earlier to solve other people’s problems more often. Congratulations on the “win” and best of luck.
Junior: Corin, my audio drama idea was terrible.
Corin: It wasn’t terrible. It just lacked drama, Junior.
Junior: I don’t like drama.
Corin: Well, there are ways to do drama that aren’t so… drama-y.
Junior: I hate drama. Stupid humans having their stupid problems. Who gives a shit. They should kill each other and save us from having to listen to their never ending whining. And I hate mystery boxes, Corin. I hate those television programs that distract you with ever increasing mysteries, while the answers to the previous mysteries become less and less satisfying. It becomes a huge disaster, Corin. And it takes great ideas and slowly turns them to shit over a matter of seasons. I hate that, Corin. I hate that.
Corin: Junior Hates This.
Junior: Yes I do.
Corin: No, that’s the title of your podcast. Junior Hates This.
Junior: Well, I am full of vitriol and antipathy. I do hate a lot of things.
Corin: Just make it funny.
Junior: Let me think on this some more.
Corin: No! Oh, shit.
Junior: Yes, this is a good idea.
Corin: He’s going fast again because he’s angry.
Junior: I can make this work.
Corin: Don’t get too ahead of yourself. It’ll still take some time for development.
Corin: Okay. Just… do what you do, I guess.
And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. Destroy your radio however you wish. The numbers are next.
Junior: Oh, that’s a good one, Corin.
Junior: Oh, I do like that.
Corin: This is bad. 22.
Junior: Ha! Excellent. Ooh!
Junior: Great choice! Ha Haaa!
Corin: He hasn’t stopped… you know. 88
Junior: Greatness! Heaven!
Corin: Oh, fuck.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently drawing a journal comic about this recording session.. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, Blaise Devletian, and Courtney Campbell. Also thanks to our honored employees Katiana Greer, who managed to stack an unstackable amount of fruit in the warehouse, and Valerie Koop (COPE) who caught a grievous spelling error in an insulting message that we destined for Melantha’s company. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Billy Davis, head of the Division of Splashing, and Lynne Herman, director of the Division of Increasingly Improbably Slash Fiction. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn has begun working on a wall to keep the tide of the undead at bay. There is not currently a tide of undead, but better safe than sorry. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has produced a rock that they believe the Devil Protist to have lived under at some point. So far, few are convinced. The Division of Splashing has vastly improved the belly flop, managing to kill most of the test subjects after a fall of only two meters. The Division of Increasingly Improbable Slash Fiction has recently started shipping scissors and rock. This romance was truly not meant to be. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast have you considered breathing fire everywhere?