64 – Halloween
in which the Halloween festivities are underway, preparations are made for not celebrating at a later date, Hailey wears a Tiara, Melantha wears something, Helena bums us out, something about potatoes, some fingers go places, Corin is nearly squished to death, and Bavaria Fringe “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear may stick to you like a bad smell.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Halloween party! Yes, shareholders, we thought it was unfair to provide you with the play by play of events here at Kakos Industries a day later. Why not invite you to the event itself? You are, of course, invited to the main event here, but in case you can’t make it in person, I wanted to bring you at least part of it now. It is only one day of celebrating this year, but we wanted to make it a big one. We’re about an hour into the party and things are looking to be pretty busy. We’ve gone through five gallons of our Ultra Punch, which shouldn’t cause any hangovers or extreme sedation to allow for maximum debauchery. Also, there shouldn’t be any lingering effects like last year. That being said, one gallon should have been enough to kill everyone here, so… not sure how we did that. Everyone in attendance has excellent costumes. It seems that everyone took their costume consultations seriously. For those of you who didn’t go through a costume consultation, one of our professionals in the Division of Masquerade and Wearin’ Shit did a full analysis giving each shareholder and employee the ideal costume for their body and state of mind. Some people are nearly naked, though we do have a rule that you can’t be totally naked because that’s not all that creative. Other people are completely covered and I have no idea who they are. There are a few people I was expecting to see, but I haven’t yet, so I’m assuming they might have been the ones that high-fived me in the big bulky costumes. I’m pretty sure I know who the person who slapped my ass was. We have an arrangement, so it’s okay. Assuming it was that person. Or any of the people that are for some reason contractually obligated to slap my butt. To be clear, I don’t put that in their contracts. I don’t know who does. I assume it’s them. But maybe it isn’t.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a festive Jack-o’-Lantern. Or the speakers in the basement ballroom. Or the speakers at any of the outdoor events around the building. But let’s talk about the Jack-o’-Lantern for now. Our Division of Spookiness has carved you a pumpkin, shareholders. Just an ordinary pumpkin. Orange exterior, greenish stem, veiny, seedy interior. Then there’s the frightening face that’s been carved into each one. A classic expression for a pumpkin, but so much more intense. You don’t want to stay too close to it for fear it will do something terrible. Did it just wink? No, Jack-o’-Lanterns can’t move, and that includes winking. Nor can they grin even bigger. Or make kissy faces at you. Anything bizarre that you might see the Jack-o’-Lantern do is not due to its actual movement. Instead, it is due to the potent hallucinogenic gas that is slowly seeping out of its flesh. This hallucinogen is guaranteed to open your third eye and prepare you for these announcements. The announcements are themselves actually coming from a speaker inside of the pumpkin, though. Apparently programming a hallucinogen to pick up radio waves is really hard and we just didn’t have enough time to figure it out. At any rate, your experience should be fun and Evil simultaneously. And those of you at the party right now, please don’t feel left out. There has been a low level of this gas in the air in and around the building all night. We’re calling it awesome gas. It should make things awesome. We’re really looking forward to things being awesome.
Today’s festivities are filled with stuff people do at parties. Like eating. And drinking. Talking to one another. Telling jokes. Dancing to music. Riding theme park rides. Telling people all of your secrets. Crying. Drinking some more. Propositioning an acquaintance for sex and then playing it off like a joke because you would never do that and they aren’t into polyamory anyway. Talking about how much you love salsa. Having an existential crisis. Wanting to be alone. A murder mystery. A murder. But all of that with a Halloween theme. We’ve got DJ Fear Vomit on the tables in the basement ballroom spinning the best and spookiest halloween music. We’ve also got the entire Division of Mixology crafting people the finest cocktails that also happen to have orange food coloring in them and/or are had out of a pumpkin schooner. Or a skull goblet. Or a bat challice. We’ve also got the largest game of spin the bottle ever played by people who have graduated from high school. We have to use a bottle with a laser pointer taped to it because there are just so many people. Also, standing up and getting to the person your bottle landed on takes a good twenty seconds. It’s an interesting novelty, for sure.
Shareholders, I do have one unpleasant bit of news to share with you. It seems that among all of our delightfully Evil employees and shareholders at tonight’s festivities is also a good person. (pause) I’m just going to assume that you all gasped quite loudly at that revelation. I admit it is a shock for us as well. We don’t usually get good people around here, at least not any that we didn’t kidnap and bring here ourselves. They tend to see the gloominess of our facilities and the stretches of road on the way to our facilities and turn around. I can see now that someone could mistake our every day for Halloween decorations, though. There’s really not much for a good person here. What interest a good person would have at our building is totally beyond me. All the same, our goodness alarm is going off, and the problem light on my desk is blinking. To tell us a little bit more about this situation, I am now joined by Angus Lachlan, our most esteemed hunter of the good and host of basically all of our wildlife programming.
Angus: G’day, Corin. Thank you for having me.
Corin: So, Angus, tell us a little bit about how we might spot a good person, so those at the party don’t accidentally get too close.
Angus: Well, Corin, it’s no piece of piss to spot a goodie. By most accounts they look just like you or I. There’s nothing about their appearance that really indicates that they might be a good person, except for maybe some optimism around the eyes.
Angus: That’s right, Corin. Goodies are way more optimistic than Evil people. This is a well documented fact. Goodies have optimism for the society in which we live and the systems that control our lives. They have unwavering faith that life doesn’t unfairly benefit the wealthy and the culturally entrenched. They believe that, by doing what they’re supposed to, they can be tall poppies, too.
Corin: and you can see all of that in the eyes?
Angus: There can be a certain brightness in the eyes, but I wouldn’t use that as your only judgment. Some Evil people do have brightness around the eyes, particularly when they’re thinking about the Evil things they’re about to do.
Corin: So what is the best way to identify a good person?
Angus: You’ll have to take a squizz around and pay careful attention to their behaviour, Corin. A dead giveaway would be that they don’t know how serious we are about the Evil we do. They don’t accept this as a reality. If you hear someone describe these decorations you’ve put up as “Quaint” or “Cute” that’s a sign that they’re a fair dinkum good person all coiled up ready to pounce.
Corin: And what if they’re blending in really well?
Angus: Ahh, They can’t blend in forever, Corin. Eventually, they’ll stand out like a shag on a rock. It’s only a matter of time before they start to yabba on about how some self help audio book changed their lives. About how anyone can succeed if they’re conchy enough. And don’t get them started on thinking positive and the laws of attraction, Corin. It’s like walking into a funnel web. Bunch of whackas. They practically crack a fat at the thought of social mobility.
Corin: So we’ll have to watch their behavior carefully. What do we do when we find this good person?
Angus: Here’s some good oil for you, Corin: It’s important to keep your distance. You don’t want to rush to bail them up and end up having a blue. Their optimism is what makes them dangerous. If you’re not careful, you’ll make them mad as a cut snake. When they’re cornered, they can be as cunning as a dunny rat. They’ll have a lend of you. Back away as quickly as you can and dob them in to one of my men. They’re all carrying goodie sacks for a right trick or treat, Corin.
Corin: So what’s your plan to take this person down?
Angus: We want your shareholders to rage on, so it’s important we take down this good person as discretely as possible. That’s why I’ve got this doovalacky. A bit of my own engineering. It’s a long range high powered dart gun equipped with barrel suppression and a scope that could spot the nipples on a nun. We’ll dart ‘em in the clacker, bag ‘em, and leave ‘em by the side of the road somewhere so this corroboree can go on without danger.
Corin: So do you think you’ll have this done quickly?
Angus. As quickly as we can, Corin. We’ve started the hunt.
Corin: Thank you, Angus.
Shareholders, I must admit to you that I’ve had some of the Ultra Punch. I’ve also taken in some of the hallucinogenic mist. I have to say that the feeling is pleasant. Subtle, but pleasant. Like everything is just a little bit more excited. Things seem to glow. All of the torches I can see from my window really glow. More than usual, I mean. It really adds to this autumnal feeling. This rush before the dreaded holidays. This feeling like magic could be real. It isn’t, to be clear. But it feels like it could be. It looks like the horror parade has begun below. The various divisions here at Kakos Industries have created floats and piñatas. They’re running through the crowd around the building right now. It looks like a lot of fun. I wonder how that random good person feels right now. We throw an excellent Halloween party regardless of your perspective. But do they know? Does this person know what we do each day of the year to make this meaningful? Do they know that it is meaningful? That we really do mean the horrors they’re witnessing? They certainly haven’t earned it. Evil isn’t easy. Seeing what others don’t want to see. Seeing through the veils. Seeing the seams and human fingerprints in everything. Embracing fear and pain. Having wild sex. Then again. They do know some of the pain because we cause them a ton of pain. We also kill a lot of good people… Not indiscriminately for fun, but in the due course of Evil. Sometimes for fun, I guess. But would it hurt them to try to learn something from pain? To see a little more, instead of just picking up the pieces? It’s frustrating to be ignored, I guess.
Corin: Oh, hi, Hailey. Shareholders, you remember Hailey Solomonari. She’s the daughter of one of the board members here at Kakos Industries. She’s also an employee here. Or maybe we own her. It’s not really clear.
Hailey: What are you doing up here, Corin?
Corin: I’m doing the announcements from the Halloween Festival. It’s for the shareholders that can’t be here.
Hailey: You should finish that up and come back down to the party!
Corin: I will. Soon. I see that you are still naked.
Hailey: I’m not naked, Corin. Look.
Corin: You’ve got a tiara on.
Hailey: That’s right. Not naked.
Corin: I mean, everything else is naked, though.
Hailey: I’m perfectly within the rules.
Corin: You know, Hailey, I shouldn’t have second guessed you. You’re right. How are you enjoying the party so far? Have you had any Ultra Punch?
Hailey: I don’t really drink. Alcohol and drugs don’t affect me. It’s part of my weird metabolism, I guess. I do feel pretty awesome when I feed, though.
Corin: I bet.
Hailey: Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t come here to feed on you. I’m actually looking for that good person. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had anyone who’s truly good. Do you know where he or she might be, Corin?
Corin: I do not.
Angus: (on a walkie talkie) Corin, Come in, Corin, do you read?
Corin: Is that a walkie talkie?
Angus: Corin, I’ve left you a walkie. You have to press the button on the side for me to hear you.
Corin: I hear you.
Angus: Excellent. I think we’ve narrowed the goodie down to the Spooky Lawn section. It does appear to be a male of moderate size and demeanor, but I won’t know for certain until I’ve put my fingers in its mouth.
Corin: I don’t think that’s how it… that’s actually a way more complicated… never mind.
Angus: We’re getting really close. I can feel it.
Corin: Well, let me know when you’ve caught it.
Angus: Will do, we’ll Nick him yet, Corin. Angus out.
Hailey: the spooky lawn? I’m on my way. Byeeeee!
Corin: Shareholders, do you ever wonder if we might just be background actors in a story that’s actually about Hailey? I wonder that sometimes.
The combination of substances in my system has me feeling a bit emotional, I guess. Kakos Industries is a large and successful business, but most of its inner machinations were in place long before I ever entered the picture. And I can’t pretend like most of the branches aren’t autonomous. I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t even know everything that’s going on in this company. That’s partly for plausible deniability and partly because there’s just too much to know. It makes me wonder what my contribution has been. What my contribution could really be. How have things grown under my control, and how much would they have grown anyway? How should I feel about modest growth when I was hoping things would grow explosively? I can be proud of the work I’ve done here, shareholders. That is for sure. But I don’t know what to do with these expectations. Should I have been better? Could I have been better? Until we learn to contact other Universes, I will never know. I’ve made mistakes. That much is clear. We nearly lost the company to an outsider. I’ve lost some friends, as well. I know that any pain I feel will pass. And I know that I will come to work again tomorrow and do it all over again regardless. This is the process. My commitment to my work is my commitment to Evil. Some things will not go well. Others better than expected. And all of that will be attached to me personally whether I like it or not. I suppose I’ve gone in a bit of a somber direction for Halloween. It’s just that looking down on all of you shareholders at the party below is just so beautiful. You’re rejoicing in Evil. And I’m rejoicing with you.
Corin: Oh, shareholders, Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion has just walked into my studio. Dressed as what appears to be a miniature giant robot.
Dirk: Corin, my man.
Corin: It’s actually good that you’re here, Dirk. I was just talking about some feelings I’ve been having. I know that you-
Dirk: Shhh! Hey, Corin, come here. I am so fucking high right now, Corin! I’m not even sure you’re really here right now.
Corin: I can assure you I’m here.
Dirk: You look kinda half there. Like I could put my hand through you. This is nuts!
Corin: You’re just kind of touching me right now.
Dirk: I’m out of my mind! This is the best Halloween party I’ve ever been to. I don’t even care that there’s a good person out there running around. If I find him, I’m gonna crush him under my giant penis! Look at it, Corin! It’s big enough to crush a man!
Corin: Dirk, it looks like it always does. You’re not going to crush anyone with it. You wouldn’t want a dick that big anyway.
Dirk: I’m pretty sure I can crush you with it, Corin. Look.
Corin: Dirk, you’re just sort of resting it on me.
Dirk: I can’t hear you! You’re just a bloody mess of squished person now, Corin!
Corin: Just resting it on my shoulder.
(Dirk begins walking away)
Dirk: Oh, Corin, you’re so crushed and dead now! My dick, it’s so big! I’m probably going to feel guilty later about squishing you, Corin. Ah, that wasn’t really Corin anyway. Now where the fuck am I? Oh, that’s right. I’m in the shire!
Corin: I’ll catch up with you later, Dirk.
Dirk: I gotta get away from these ghosts!
I have a letter from my grandfather. It says “A Halloween” on the envelope. I’m not sure how they decided that this would be THE Halloween, but I will take it, regardless. “Happy Halloween, Corin. It’s your grandfather. I’m also Corin. We’re both Corin. Isn’t that weird? Corin is a strange name. Did you know it’s Latin for spear? I like to bring up that fact when I’ve got a sexy something on the end of my spear, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I’m at a Halloween party right now and the potent combination of substances in my system has me feeling emotional, so I wanted to jot down some notes for you. First off how are you? Write how you are in the blank below, then flip the page.” Okay, shareholders, I would say I am somewhat melancholy at the moment. (Corin flips the page). “Glad to hear you’re doing ‘awesome’, sport. I hope that Halloween is still a big deal for you when you’re reading this. Halloween has been kind of a tough sell to some of the older staff here at Kakos Industries. They think it’s kids’ stuff. But it’s not. I mean, it is, but not exclusively. Anyway, I think it could be more. I’m hoping to make it more. Because I like it. Corin, I’m old and I sometimes wonder what my lasting impression will be on this company. You see, I’ve been here forever. There are few working here who remember a time before I was involved. It seems like Kakos Industries is nearly synonymous with the name Deeth. But what have I really done? Have I helped? Have I harmed? Could I have done more? It is impossible to know. If you ever find yourself having these thoughts, I want you to know that it’s okay. Doubt is part of life. And embracing doubt is, in a way, embracing Evil. Don’t be afraid to embrace that Evil. And if you’re having trouble with it still, then you should consider getting a prostate massage. I’ve included a list of names of some people that might be able to help you. They might be a bit on the older side when you get this, but I guarantee the experience they have will more than make up for that. Alternatively, you can ask one of the doctors on the staff for some of these little yellow pills. They take away all that fear and the doctors give them out like candy. Just be careful not to take any when you’re going in for a prostate massage or you won’t even want it anymore. And also, the withdrawal can kill you. Enjoy Halloween, Corin. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which as you can imagine, is not many things. Never forget that you are Evil’s gift to humanity. All the love. Corin Deeth.” That was really sweet, shareholders. Also, strangely apropos. Well, back to business…
Corin: Oh, what is it now?
Melantha: Happy Halloween, Corin.
Corin: Oh, hi, Melantha. You’re not getting an invite to our party.
Melantha: Like I would want an invite to your shitty party. I’m at my own party and it’s amazing. People are dressed up. Some people are naked. It’s every kind of awesome all at once. It’s inebriated sexy awesome.
Corin: Well, our party is going pretty well, too.
Melantha: Don’t lie to me, Corin. I know about your… situation.
Corin: What situation?
Melantha: Don’t play stupid, Corin. You know the one.
Corin: I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Melantha.
Melantha: Fine. I don’t need to hear you admit your good little problem, even if I would really enjoy it. You can just pretend like there’s nothing going on.
Corin: Did you have something to talk about?
Melantha: Do you know what my costume is, Corin?
Corin: Why would I care?
Melantha: Because it’s so Evil, Corin. It’s so delicious.
Corin: I really don’t care.
Melantha: I want you to guess. How do you feel about boob windows, Corin?
Corin: Totally impractical, but lots of fun to look at.
Melantha: Just think about my breasts in a costume with a boob window, Corin. I’m getting a little tipsy, so I really can’t be responsible if something extra is peeking out of the boob window.
Corin: Like a nipple?
Melantha: Perfect nipples, Corin. There are none better. Oh, there it is peeking out. Let me just adjust myself, even though I know it’ll pop right out again. Do I have your attention, Corin.
Melantha: How do you feel about short skirts?
Corin: In general, I’m a fan.
Melantha: This skirt is so short. If I’m not careful, I’ll end up just showing everything, Corin. Everything. The important things. The not-so-important things. Everything in between. If you catch my drift.
Corin: It would be hard to miss your drift in this circumstance.
Melantha: There’s all sorts of fancy cut outs, too, Corin. All along the sides and up the back. I’m not actually sure how this costume is staying on my body. Some of it might just be body paint. Erotic body paint.
Corin: Yeah, that’s probably pretty awesome. So are you some sort of superhero?
Melantha: I’m obviously a villain, Corin. Don’t be stupid.
Corin: Based on your description, you could be a bunch of different ones. What’s the main color?
Corin: Oh then you’re Madame Robbery.
Melantha: … You’re such a nerd, Corin. You didn’t even have to think that long. What a loser. You must know all of your super villainesses by heart. I bet you have an altar set up to them in your closet. You’re such a loser, Corin.
Corin: It sounds like a cool costume, Melantha.
Melantha: It’s the best. Literally everyone is staring at me right now.
Corin: You’re in the middle of the party right now?
Melantha: I’ve asked everyone to be really quiet. They’re all behaving. I like that. I might have to reward them later. So, Corin, what are you wearing?
Corin: I’m The Evil You Know.
Corin: You know, like the phrase. The Evil You Know.
Melantha: What does that even look like? I knew you’d pick something stupid and conceptual. Is any part of you naked at all?
Corin: Not right now. That could change, though.
Melantha: Oh, will it, Corin? I bet you leave your socks on when you fuck.
Corin: That’s stupid. Why would I leave my socks on.
Melantha: Whatever. Enjoy your stupid party, Corin. Leave your socks on if you have to.
(The noise drops)
Corin: What? Shareholders, I do not leave my socks on during sex. I mean, just my socks. If there’s other clothes then it’s fine. But just socks? That’s unreasonable. Now, as I was saying, back to business…
Corin: Vlad? What the hell?
Vlad: Did I “spook” you, Mr. Deeth? Hahahaha.
Vlad: You don’t think I’m spooky, Mr. Deeth?
Vlad: But I’m the “Spectre of Communism!”
Corin: Oh, that’s awesome. I didn’t think you guys did Halloween. Shareholders, if you don’t remember, Vladymir Ilyich Raskolnikov RasPutLenin is the premier of the DarkMegaUSSR. They’ve recently relocated.
Vlad: We’re spooking you from Mars, Kakos Industries! It is perhaps a little bit early for the celebration for the Great October Socialist Revolution, so I have created the Horror Costume for Glory of the Motherland Celebration. It is much better than your pitiful Halloween.
Corin: The Spectre of Communism. I like that. That’s my type of costume.
Vlad: And what costume are you wearing for your ridiculous self-centered halloween, Mr. Deeth?
Corin: I’m “The Evil You Know.”
Corin: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of it.
Vlad: It is perfect capitalist costume.
Corin: Oh, what makes you say that?
Vlad: People resist the inevitable revolution because they are comfortable with the Evil they know!
Corin: Well, I didn’t think of it that way.
Vlad: It is perfect metaphor for capitalist propaganda machine.
Corin: Hey, it’s you guys that have the propaganda machine.
Vlad: Oh, okay. Whatever you say, Mr. Deeth. HAHAHAHA!
Corin: Was there a reason you interrupted?
Vlad: I heard about your problem. A good person.
Corin: How does everyone know about that? Even on fucking Mars. We’re so close to getting it resolved.
Vlad: I just wanted to tell you that there are no good people on Mars. We have gulag that makes them Evil with great efficiency. One more way the DarkMegaUSSR is better than your filthy company.
Corin: Is that it?
Vlad: Yes. Now I will get back to my celebration. We have vodka made from martian grown potatoes. The people’s vodka!
Corin: That sounds great. Talk to you later, Vlad.
Vlad: Goodbye, you capitalist pig!
It’s always nice to hear from old friends. I suppose that’s what he is.
Angus: Come in, Corin.
Corin: I’m here, Angus.
Angus: The goodie got away from me at the Spooky Lawn. Some crazy naked woman showed up and started shouting about how she’s never rooted a goodie. I fired off into the herd… I mean crowd as they dispersed. He was in there somewhere. I darted seven people, roped up their hinds, then gave them a proper finger check. All evil.
Corin: Do you have any clues?
Angus: I’ve been tasting the dirt at different points throughout the lawn.
Corin: What have you found?
Angus: The dirt over here tastes uniformly awful, Corin. Bitter and earthy. Leads me to believe he’s travelled East. But some people said he might be heading to the monochrome lawn. I’ll go that way. Check the dirt there. Angus out.
Shareholders, you can’t really judge him. There’s a lot of hallucinogenic mist out there. I’m not sure most people could find their ego if it wasn’t attached to their id right now.
After we get through thoroughly celebrating Halloween today, we begin the long stretch of holidays that kind of suck. Sure, today is monday and you may very well have more parties to experience this coming weekend, and why not? But after that, there’s those other holidays. The winter holidays. That is why we have the festival of Anti-Celebration. It’s hard to reinvent the wheel with this one each year. It is what it is. But we think we may have a novel solution this year. Through our fall cleaning, we opened up a space on the first floor of our building where shareholders can come to be away from the holiday spirit. All of it. Any of it. It will be a holiday free zone. We’re also considering an emergency Halloween in there somewhere. Or maybe some sort of ritualistic mask kind of thing. Just remember that the winter times can be tough on all of us. And if you’re in the southern hemisphere, then this whole winter holiday thing probably doesn’t make any sense to you.
Helena: Hello, Corin.
Corin: Oh, Helena. < I see you’re back to your old self.
Helena: Yes. The madman has returned me to 100% functioning order.>
Corin: How are you enjoying the party?
Helena: I find the party to be adequate.
Corin: I suppose you aren’t affected by the hallucinogenic mist or the alcohol.
Helena: I am not affected by hallucinogenic mist, but I do have a new program called “lighten up”. I must say that my circuitry is buzzing and firing in the most delightful way. I’m so wasted right now, Corin. If someone were to try to kill you, I would only be able to deal with them at 99% of my usual capabilities. How embarrassing.
Corin: I don’t think anyone is going to try to kill me. And if they do, we still have the nanobots to disassemble them. You should have a fun, Helena. I want everyone to have fun.
Helena: Thank you, Corin. Do you know what my costume is? It’s hysterical.
Corin: Hysterical, huh. Let’s see. Sweatpants. A messy t-shirt. Smeared eyeliner. Hysterical, you said, like funny?
Helena: Do you get it, Corin? Ha ha ha.
Corin: You’ve got some garbage dragging behind you. You’re carrying a television with a streaming service on it. I’m not getting the joke, Helena. I’m sorry.
Helena: I’m human depression, Corin. Ha ha ha hysterical.
Helena: Oh, I feel so tired. I no longer feel the desire to do the things I used to enjoy, Corin! Ha ha ha.
Helena: Life seems so pointless to me, Corin. My relationships with my friends are falling apart. Ha ha ha.
Corin: I’m not so sure…
Helena: I’m struggling to find meaning in my everyday actions, Corin. Ha ha ha. So funny. I could sleep for days.
Corin: Has… has anyone else seen this costume.
Helena: Nobody likes me, Corin. Ha ha. I live a loveless life ha ha. When will I ever find a mate. Ha ha. Human emotions are so silly.
Corin: I’m not sure “hilarious” is the right word.
Helena: I’m so sad I keep crying like a baby. Ha ha. I just want to watch TV and hide from the world. Ha ha ha.
Corin: You know what… sweet costume, Helena.
Helena: Thank you, Corin. You should also come back to the party.
Corin: I’m kind of in the middle of something.
Helena: Oh, whatever you say, Corin. Keep having your emotions here all alone.
Corin: Soundman is here.
Helena: Why don’t you think about the passage of time and how little has changed. Ha ha ha.
(Machine walking away)
Corin: I really hope she doesn’t hear about our… problem. She might end up killing everyone at the party.
Well, that was depressing. Shareholders, I believe that our Good person problem will clear itself up eventually. I should probably get back to the party, so let’s get to the home stretch here.
They say that Evil was once itself good back when nothing was anything. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for blends of cinnamon, ginger, allspice, and nutmeg; the chill in the air; and the feeling that this autumn will not live up to your expectations, much like the last one. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we did any of those things. One of them you might argue is an atmospheric condition. But we’re claiming them, and if you don’t appreciate that, then that’s on you.
I am told that the Damnation and Ruination squad is waiting for my cue to spin the wheel of misery. The winner of the Ruin-A-Life Drawing is Bavaria Fringe, famous fashionista and attendee of the festivities tonight. Bavaria’s target is Dean “The Plumber” Wilborough. And the wheel is spinning. I recognize this might be a problem if the wheel doesn’t stop spinning in the next few moments. I’ve told you in the past that the wheel has spun for days. Well, this is a possibility. No, wait, they’re telling me it has stopped. Okay. Mr. Wilborough’s life will be ruined via burning. From this day forward, Dean “The Plumber” Wilborough will always be slightly burning, which will be painful and awkward and smelly. It appears that he is also here tonight and the Damnation and Ruination squad are down below searching for him. For good measure, Bavaria Fringe will be a little bit icier than usual for always. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
This brings us to the end of the broadcast, shareholders. I will be going back to the party. I will have a good time. I will not let my doubts about my occupation overcome me. I will breathe in some mist and probably see some shit.
Angus: Come in, Corin.
Corin: What’s going on, Angus?
Angus: Shhhh! I’ve found the goodie. He’s in my sights. I’m prepared to dart him. Then I’ll put my fingers in his mouth.
Corin: Okay, Angus. Wait- Angus, the light on my desk has turned off. The good person alarms have stopped.
Angus: You mean…
Corin: He’s gone Evil! Angus, we got him!
Angus: That’s excellent news, Corin. But, uh… can I still dart him? I really hate to stop when I’ve come this far, my fingers have gone quite dry, Corin.
Corin: Oh, uh, yeah, I guess so.
Angus: Great! Thank you, Corin. This is going to be fun. Angus out. Run on you bodgy mongrel, this dart’s going right past your mappa Tassie!
Well, that’s resolved itself neatly. Shareholders, the numbers are next. YOu may need to crush your pumpkin to keep it from freaking you out too badly.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently doing a macarena. Special guest appearance in this episode by Adam Miszuk, Hanna Jones, Anwar Newton, Fareed Bailey, and Lindsey Forry. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, Manannan, Feddy Lax, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered marathoning horror movies?