5 – The Darkest Universe
In which the truth about the Darkest Universe Festival is revealed, there is some bad news from the Adult Entertainment Branch, some workers escape from Hell, the relationship with The Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations progresses, The Division of Excess releases a new product, and Jenny Wilkinson wins the Ruin a Life Contest.
What you are about to hear may be a good pain, or a bad pleasure.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. I must warn you that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries Shareholders, so, if you’re not one… then… stop listening. Ah. I don’t know.
Fellow members of Kakos Industries, I feel really terrible. Last weekend, we had the huge Dark Friday celebration. We all put on our bizarro world beards and chanted in time. The synchronization was there. I felt your darkest emotions. They actually sent shivers up my spine. I could have sworn that the world around us was losing light at an alarming rate. The anger, the hate, it was all there. Then it happened. Something clicked and the universe… it changed. People reported multiple conflicting memories as Universes dovetailed. Everything appeared to tell us that we were successful and the darkest universe was achieved. I believed it. I wanted it to be true. Alas, this morning I was notified that our second box of potential kittens was safely removed from the road by the fire department after nearly 1,000 drivers safely missed the box. The firefighters found actual kittens in this box and handed them out to a nearby school bus full of children. I’ve tried comforting myself with the thought that perhaps the children will not take good care of the kittens, or that some will become strays, or get feline leukemia, but this is a small consolation for the disappointing realization right here in front of my face. This is not the Darkest Universe. I feel like I have failed myself, and also that I have failed all of you. I decided this morning that I would be stepping down from my position as CEO of Kakos Industries. I was notified, however, by Grace Rule, the Contract Master of Kakos Industries, that I actually cannot step down. I knew that. I just… forgot. Anyway, Grace gave me a… hug… and said “buck up, champ,” before she pressed her fist into my chin. I must admit that I now have burns on my skin where she touched me. I am hoping that they will heal, but perhaps it is better if they do not.
As my Grandfather used to say, “Evil doesn’t lay down and mope all day. Evil gets up, even when it hurts, because it hurts.” So, I will continue.
This broadcast is coming to you on a Spy Radio from inside of the Kak-O’s Industries Cereal box. The batteries were included and are somewhat leaky, so I probably wouldn’t recommend actually eating the cereal. If you followed the instructions, you tuned the radio into the “Awesome” Frequency. I wouldn’t recommend turning it to any other frequency, especially the one marked “Danger”. You might assume this is a reference to seeking help when in danger, but it will actually place you in danger instead. Something about homing missiles, I think.
Next week is ordinarily the Agriculture Festival, but I’m cancelling it. So there.
We have news from the Adult Entertainment Branch. As you are well aware, we’ve been getting ready for a widespread release of the New Hole. There are almost 2,000 pornographic titles ready for distribution, and plastic surgeons have begun training in the installation procedures. We were also producing a sex tape using the new hole with our brand new starlet, who became contractually our property. I have bad news. Unfortunately, both the starlet and the sports athlete, who we cast as her partner for the piece, died during the shoot. There was a serious malfunction, and I don’t want to get too gruesome, but when the warning label says that the New Hole interferes with normal spinal function, there is apparently a lot of room for imagining what this new, not-normal spinal function is. This happened a few weeks ago, but I was afraid to tell you, thinking it might jinx the Dark Friday celebration. Perhaps that’s what I did wrong. We are going to have the duo encased in platinum as we found them, and store them in the basement ballroom. So we’ve had to place the project on the back burner for now. Incidentally, The Back Burner was a name for the more extreme model of the New Hole. Eager to get back to work, the AEB is developing a new vibrating sex toy that will ruin you. Details to come. Repeatedly.
News from Denny, the human brain completely immersed in a fabricated digital reality. Denny enjoys the feeling of a light summer rain on his or her skin. Denny enjoys things that smell good. Denny may or may not have had a traumatic childhood, but Denny definitely did or did not leave home early. Denny has many friends from childhood with whom Denny has lost touch. Even Facebook has been no help, if Denny has a facebook, which I cannot say for certain. Denny has a favorite color. It’s a good one, believe me. It’s somewhere between all zeros and all f’s on the hexidecimal spectrum. I am told that Denny may or may not actually be able to see his or her favorite color, however. Denny has red blood and has cut him- or herself recently, by mistake or on purpose. Denny is definitely listening to my voice right now.
I have news from Hell and the Division of Labor. Unfortunately, it looks like some of the workers may have escaped this week. It seems that I am not the only one affected by our failure to make this the darkest universe and security has become lax. When I say escaped, I really mean that they are no longer within the labor camp area at this time. They are still miles below the surface of the Earth, so they are at the very least contained for the time being. I must inform those of you listening now, in case you currently reside in the Hell labor camp, that there are some things outside of the camp that are, well, unpleasant. It seems that there were some extremophile microbes below the surface that were kept in check by the pressure and the amount of space that they had to grow in. Once we opened the area up, they began to expand and change, and having eaten one of our early explorers, they’ve taken on some human DNA. We have affectionately titled the monsters of the deep “Morlocks”, as we need more locks to keep them out. At any rate, it is probably best to stay inside of the Hell labor camp if you ever find yourself down there as the Morlocks tend to leave it alone. Hopefully, the escapees will have brought some weaponry with them so that they might kill a few of those monsters before ultimately perishing themselves. We will organize a search party… when we get around to it.
The Kakos Industries Division of Green Energy has developed a new environmental program. This new program is called Garbage Catch and Release. Much like washing the wings of oil-spilled birds, it is entirely for show. The Garbage Catch and Release program will give our clients the ability to look like they’re making change, without incurring the actual cost of doing so. Now, garbage can be cleaned by a crew on land or sea, and then returned to the land or sea when the cameras stop rolling. This will increase consumer confidence and evil all at once. It’s a win-win.
Kakos Industries has finally trademarked the phrase “Two More Weeks.” This is great news, because we have been using it since 1989 to convince people to preorder anti-gravity boots. We do not actually have a single employee working on anti-gravity boots, but we have many employees fielding phone calls related to the boots and advertising their eventual release. It’s nice to know that we now officially own the phrase. When we asked the lawyer in charge of the process how much longer we would have to wait for the trademark, he was fired for being a smartass.
News from the Division of Secret Societies. The Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations is coming over tonight and we’re pretty excited about where things might go. We’re organizing a banquet at one of our smaller branches, you know, so they don’t get intimidated. We’ve gathered several of our most personable employees and have ordered them to attend. There are also several mandatory costume changes and perhaps some cursory physical contact before curfew. We think they will like what we have to offer. Perhaps in the next couple weeks we will issue them the appropriate paperwork that will ultimately allow us to devour them whole. We’re really looking forward to the devouring at this point. I don’t want to get too personal, but it’s been a while since we’ve devoured any secret societies, so at this point we’re ready to just get the job done. We’re aching for it.
The Division of Excess has been working overtime recently. If you’re not familiar with the Division of Excess, and you probably aren’t, they specialize in coming up with ways for the obscenely wealthy to spend conspicuously, while doing as little as possible to help others. Past products offered by the division of excess include hundred-year-old wine baths and jetskiing through the blood of extinct animals. This week, they are introducing the deflationary oven. I am told that the deflationary oven is the ideal receptacle for burning currency. It is wise only to do this if you already control enough of the currency you’re burning so as to actually increase the remaining value of your money by deflating it. We can think of a few Kakos Industries Investors out there who know what we’re talking about. The price is set at 999,999.99. If you manage to burn some money belonging to others, then you may recoup the cost in the process. The resulting ashes are rich in potassium, and are useful in growing excellent rose bushes. Be sure to buy our Seeds of Despair to make certain that no one will benefit.
I bet you are wondering how our office romance is going. For those of you with memory problems, and I do apologize if we are to blame for your memory problems, I began a relationship in the office and it has been going pretty well so far. The relationship is between Billy Wessler, our very best mail sorter, and Kara Smith, who will likely climb the ranks fairly quickly in the Division of Physical Beauty. They’ve had another date, but it seems as though they may have hit a speed bump this week. Billy finally went back to Kara’s apartment for coffee after the date, but what happened next may have been a surprise for him. In all of our vast and ancient wisdom, we somehow forgot to engineer sexual compatibility into the equation. Sources say that Kara’s closet contains numerous toys of a sexual nature as well as some devices for mild torture. While we all looked away from our monitors as they did the deed, it now seems fairly apparent to us that Billy was pushed somewhat out of his comfort zone, and as a result, is not sure how to proceed with the relationship. It should be obvious to anyone familiar with memory manipulation that it cannot be done too often too close together, so we’ll have to return to more standard means of manipulation for the time being. Kara is being bombarded as we speak with highly gendered images of how women should behave, and we have scheduled at least one guilt-inducing phone call with her mother. Kara should be shamed into toning down the bondage for at least a little while. You know, until BIlly learns to like it.
The winner of this week’s Ruin a Life contest is Jenny Wilkinson. Congratulations, Jenny, your nemesis’s life will be ruined. Jenny has selected Harry Petrovic to have his life ruined. A spin of the Wheel of Misery gives us “change of sexuality.” Thanks to the admirably selfish actions of Jenny Wilkinson, Harry Petrovic is now heterosexual. Chemicals that will alter Harry’s preference will be slipped into his drinking glass and Harry will not be the same. As you may know, the wheel of misery is highly sensitive to context, and while some of you dinosaurs out there might not feel like this is exactly ruining a life, I can assure you that it is. Try telling Harry’s husband that he’s better off now. Try telling Harry’s two daughters that he’s better off now. They will all now endure a messy and lengthy divorce process fraught with accusations of lies, and on the part of Harry, a deep existential confusion. Kakos Industries can confirm for you now that gay parents have no long term effect on evil, but nasty divorces can drastically impact the negativity of a child. Our Division of Divination estimates that Harry will have about a 70% chance of trying to date the egg donor for his children, and about a 45% chance of giving up on love entirely. Good luck, breeder. For good measure, Jenny Wilkinson will no longer be bisexual, making her less interesting to talk to at parties.
It is time for “Things We’re Taking Credit for Now”. As you probably already know, Kakos Industries is a large, and sometimes unwieldy organization. It is for this reason that even I don’t know exactly what we do from day to day, or what we have done throughout our history as an organization. And it is for that same reason that I started this segment, where I take credit for evil occurrences throughout the world that we probably had something to do with. It’s really just probability. This week, we’re taking credit for: English Language Haiku, Dolphins, and Not Knowing Whether or Not You’re Really in Love. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for today, there is a haiku you should read in your shareholders’ handbook. It will either fill you with deep understanding, or melt the part of your brain that knows how to disagree. Don’t worry, you’ll still have plenty of brain left.
And this brings us to the end of our broadcast. You know, I’m looking at this read-out of all the kittens from the box, and they’re all happy. We put trackers in them, so I know where they are, and, more importantly, how they feel. They’re doing well. I can’t even bring myself to press the execute button that will detonate the trackers. It just kind of feels forced at this point. But please don’t think I won’t press the execute button on your tracker if you happen to have one installed. FYI, you might not know. If the spy watch has made it this long without breaking, which is unlikely, you might choose to shake it a little bit, or use a hammer, which, honestly, is kind of overkill. The numbers are coming up. Don’t write down every other number and all that.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There are also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered thinking about the rainforest? Think about the wonderful and unique wildlife and how its habitat is being destroyed.