46 – Space Race
in which Corin wishes you a happy New Year, Yule and the New Year’s celebrations are recapped, preparations are made for the Automobile Celebration, Corin gets in with a group of youths, there are new developments in space, your birth control gets better, and William McGillicuddy “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear is madness, cut with smooth, smooth sanity.
Hello, Kakos Industries shareholders! This is your CEO Corin Deeth speaking. These are your corporate shareholder announcements. Happy New Year, shareholders! The year is 1966, and the day is January 1st. Evil is on the rise, and Evil is everywhere. Let’s begin.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you on a Transient Resistance Transistor Radio. It is top of the line technology, shareholders. In fact, I’m so proud of what we’ve done here that I’m inclined to let you keep them. I won’t let you keep them, but the temptation is there all the same. Transient Resistance is a new client of ours here at Kakos Industries. They were founded on the belief that radios bring information, and that information gives choices, and that choices make Evil. I feel like their slug line could be a little punchier, but it will do for now. This device brings to you the latest in solid state technology. Soon enough we will never have to bother with the saturations or colorations of vacuum tubes. This device is clean and stable and will in all likelihood bring you the highest quality reproduction of my voice possible. The girls around the office tell me that I have a delightful manner of speaking and a deep, wonderful tone, so I do apologize if I give you an unexpected thrill. I must remind you, as I almost always do, that these announcements are strictly for those holding stock in the fine company that is Kakos Industries. Also, any husbands, wives, or really-good-friends-please-stop-asking of shareholders, you can listen, too. If you don’t fall into one of those categories, then I am afraid that there are some frequencies embedded in this broadcast (only reproducible through the wonders of solid state technology, I might add) that may cause immediate death, or a significant shift in political beliefs toward communism. At that point, you’re lost to us all anyway.
Did you have a good Yule, shareholders? I certainly did. As always, we had a grand feast to celebrate the shortest day of the year. We had our new rotisserie Kakos Industries Bay Pigs, Grilled Bullwinkle, and just handfulls of drugs. Whole handfulls. For everyone. For those of you who prefered your intoxicants to have a more traditional feel, we also had egg nog, made from live nog. Just like every year, I dressed up as the Krampus monster, and I let you line up to receive your punishments. Boy do I enjoy seeing all of you dressed in your various holiday clothing items, with all of your bright festive colors, and all of your interesting fringes, and boy do I enjoy seeing you all bent over to receive your spankings from my big bundle of sticks. You see, I know that you’ve all been naughty, so I can punish you indiscriminately. It’s all in good fun of course. If I were a real Krampus monster, I would also eat some of you, and kidnap some children. Now, I know that some of you might enjoy being nibbled on a little bit, but it’s just not my thing. I draw the line at spankings and a little bit of horn play. (SAXOPHONE BOP). He knows what I’m talking about. We did register a few of your children that you told us were exceptionally bad. Maybe some day we’ll put them to use here in our business. We’ll have to wait until they settle down, but we hope that they won’t get any less Evil. We like the Evil. We need the Evil. We danced and had a really Evil time until the sun came up the next day. We partied all night, and the longest night at that.
Last night, we all celebrated New Year’s Eve, that special night of the year where we say goodbye to the year before and we say hello to the new year, with our arms outstretched. Then when the new year comes in for a hug, we whisper in its ear, “Baby, I’m gonna fill you with so much Evil. You’re going to open up before me and I’m just going to put the Evil everywhere. You’re going to look at me and say, ‘all that Evil won’t fit in me’, and I’ll say, ‘just you watch.’ I’m going to spread Evil all over you. I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me, 1966, and I’m going to give you all that Evil you’re after. I’m going to ruin you for good.” That’s when the New Year looks at you with that nervous anticipation and you say, “Don’t worry, 1966, I’ve done this before. You are going to be the most Evil year yet.” That’s when the New Year gives you that sexy smile and leads you some place quiet. Except replace the year with an attractive woman, and you’ve got my night last night. Lots and lots of sex. It’s the ideal way to bring in the new year. I hope that all of you had a chance to do the same.
Are you ready for the Automobile Celebration, shareholders? This is the celebration where we show off cars, we race cars, we crash cars, and we fornicate in cars. As with every year, the favorites in the race are Phructer and Thimble, whose products keep you smelling your Evilest (SAX BOP); Glow Chemical, whose products keep you radiant (SAX BOP); Cutlass Aircraft, who make flight so sharp (SAX BOP); and General Human Wills, who help us to extract the finest wills from humans (SAX BOP). What will they do this year? We don’t know. They are all being quite secretive. One competitor who was willing to divulge their strategy is Beelzebub Steel, who said they plan to “drive quickly, and destroy their enemies with missiles.” Not the most creative for sure, but at least they’re honest. I look forward to seeing them totally obliterated in the first few moments of the race. Forgone Motors has provided us with their new four-door Galacticas for after the race to have sex in. The vehicles are so large and comfortable, they can apparently fit four love making couples, or ten more open-minded individuals. This is not a celebration to miss, shareholders.
My attempts to infiltrate a group of these young, freaky hippies have been going well. You see, they may not trust anyone over 30, but I still have a youthful look. I’ve also been buying drugs for them, which they seem to really appreciate. Some of the drugs, of course, we make, right here at Kakos Industries. And we get to test them out together. This last week, I was sitting on a rug in an empty studio apartment with a group of these hip kids. We talked about the future of the world, and making a difference, and ending these awful conflicts, and then we put sugar cubes in our mouths and took a journey inside of our heads. I tried to talk with the others during this experience, but I found myself trailing off, unable to hold the conversation. I went places, shareholders. I saw things. I remember some of those things. Strange dark auras following people, Evil seeping into every aspect of life, small monsters committing ever so slight transgressions against every living thing. As I was coming down from the trip, I attempted to do some minor mind control on the young hippies. “Be less communist,” I said. “Find a job doing Evil,” I encouraged. Alas, just as with our work on MKUltra, we were totally unable to change anyone’s mind about anything, or at least not at any better rate than bribery. We did have a good time, though. At the very least we know that they are doing an incredible amount of Evil to the established ways of thinking. If you do find yourself taking these drugs, shareholders, please be careful to make sure that you are not taking our new SuperAcid, which has been reported to turn some people into moss.
I have new from the Division of Smoke and Mirrors. Unfortunately, it is not good news. I am told that their efforts to make cigarettes Evil have just not been successful. They’re too damn healthy for us, shareholders. They calm us down. They make us feel good. They steady our nerves after a risky sexual decision. In fact, why don’t you pop out one of your Kakos Slims right now and light it up. Boy, is that smooth. Everyone smokes, so it seems obvious that it should be something we focus our attentions on. We’ve tried putting foreign chemicals into them, we’ve tried putting diseases directly into them. But something about the smoke is just magical. It thwarts us at every avenue. I am beginning to think it might be some old American native magic protecting them. Wait a second. Here’s a thought. Maybe we should convince people not to smoke. That might be Evil. Let’s take a break while you finish that cigarette.
We have word that the United States is getting close to their goal of putting a man on the moon. This is an important landmark, and an important development. I think, then, that it is important to call our biggest rival, Vladimir Illyich Raskolnikov RasputLenin.
Vlad: Hello. You have reached Vladimir Illyich Raskolnikov RasputLenin, Chariman of the DarkMegaKGB. This is not an answering machine. This is just how I answer phone.
Corin: Vlad, it’s me Corin.
Vlad: Why hello, you capitalist swine. How is perpetuating the enslavement of your fellow man?
Corin: It’s going great. You wouldn’t believe it. I mean, you specifically would not believe it, but it’s true. People are choosing Evil left and right!
Vlad: Choice in capitalism is merely illusion of choice to perpetuate subjugation. The best Evil is the only Evil anyone needs.
Corin: That’s super. Listen, Vlad, we have a problem.
Vlad: What makes you think I would be interested in any problems that you may be experiencing?
Corin: Well, it’s both of our problem.
Vlad: Oh, I see. Please, tell me more of this problem affecting both of us.
Corin: Well, I have reason to believe that the US is close to putting a man on the moon.
Vlad: No closer than the glorious USSR!
Corin: Yeah, well, that’s all well and good, but listen, Vlad. We need a truce. We don’t want them to get all the way up there, prepare for whatever victory celebrations, and then find… us up there already. We need to clean up our mess. We’ve been fighting our little war up there for a decade now. It… It just wouldn’t be right for them to find the wreckage up there. They’re putting so much effort into being the first, and I don’t really want to tip our hand.
Vlad: I see your point, Mr. Deeth. It would also be bad for our comrades to find the wreckage when they are first to land on the moon. We will withdraw our Mutant Laser Saldati to the DarkMegaSide.
Corin: That’s a start, but you know whoever gets up there is going to look back there. We’re going to have to bring everyone home. And then we have to hide all of the footsteps and tire tracks and jettison the shuttles into space. We’re sending our best lunscapers to the surface now to get things looking right.
Vlad: I do not trust your decentralized free market planning to do this thing. We will send our best from DarkMegaMinistry of Construction.
Corin: Okay, Vlad. You do your half of the moon, and we’ll do ours.
Vlad: This is all well, but where will we get the chance to fight for supremacy in space? Do we just wait for our governments to get bored of the moon before we resume fighting?
Corin: The Moon really is just one small step away. They’ll get bored soon enough. Let’s just let somebody plant a flag and then we can go from there.
Vlad: I accept your truce. For the good of the Soviet Union. Goodbye, Mr. Deeth. Do not let the revolution catch you by surprise.
Corin: Okay. Talk to you later, Vlad. I’ll see you at the monthly spy exchange.
Such a cheerful fellow. Honestly, I think they should just fake the landing anyway. I’ve seen what it looks like, landing on the moon. It’s boring. Better let those commies in Hollywood spice it up a little bit.
Shareholders, are you enjoying your birth control pills? I know that birth control pills have been available for a while now, but we’ve recently given out our new Kakos Industries Birth LockDown, developed in the Division of Fornicatory Sciences. It’s similar to the pills that your doctor can prescribe, but the difference is that it is 100% effective, increases sex drive, and only marginally increases your chances of having an Evil child later, if that’s something you mean to avoid. Many of the women working in our office have begun taking these new pills, and boy has it improved morale. I will say that the women in the office have become a little more aggressive than we first imagined, but all the same, things are quite enjoyable. Paired with the right substances, and you’re in for a wonderful experience. It’s truly a wonderful time that we live in.
Corin: What’s that sound?
Melantha: Hello, Corin.
Corin: Oh, Melantha! It’s wonderful to hear your voice. You haven’t been returning my messages!
Melantha: How would it look if I had done that? I work for General Evil. And it’s my job to interrupt and distract you as much as possible. If I responded to your messages, you’d get bored with me, and you wouldn’t lose any productivity to thinking about me. After all, I get bonuses every minute you waste dealing with me.
Corin: I wouldn’t consider any of these minutes wasted, my darling. Tell me you got the heart sculpture I sent. It’s made out of Light Emitting Diodes. They’re the newest thing, Melantha. And when I saw that red color, I just knew I had to make you something to send over.
Melantha: Oh. I got it. I like it. I especially like the way the diodes blink. It captivates the gaze. I have it sitting on my desk next to my typewriter and my copy of The Feminine Mystique.
Corin: I’m so glad to hear it. Say, why don’t you quit your job and come to work for us here at Kakos Industries. I’m sure I could find you a wonderful job here, and then you wouldn’t have to disrupt me anymore. Or at least we wouldn’t have to call it disrupting.
Melantha: I’ll come to work for Kakos Industries when you offer me your job, Corin. I want to be a CEO.
Corin: You know I can’t do that, Melantha. But you’ve got far greater career opportunities here at Kakos Industries than at General Evil. They would never let a woman be CEO.
Melantha: Well then I’ll just have to destroy them and start my own Evil company.
Corin: Now there’s an idea. It would be far easier just to come work for me, though.
Melantha: Don’t be silly, Corin. How could you respect me as your underling? Then I’d just be one of those other girls.
Corin: I could never think of you that way. You’re special, Melantha. That heart of yours is pure Evil.
Melantha: I know. And on that note, I’ve just been authorized to tell you that I’m doing this interruption totally nude.
Melantha: Totally. There’s nothing touching me but the stool beneath my bottom and the cool air from the vents.
Corin: That is a wonderful image… You know what you’re doing to me.
Melantha: Of course I do! And it’s so easy! Now you’ll be unable think of anything else for the rest of the day. Just my bottom. Touching the wooden stool. It’s so stiff, Corin. Think about that while we at General Evil surpass you in every way. Honestly, it’s a wonder you get any work done at all.
Corin: You are the most Evil thing. Don’t ever change.
Melantha: I don’t intend to! Until next time, Mr. Deeth!
(The noise fades)
My Evilness, shareholders. What a woman. What a babe. I’ve never met any woman quite like her. She really has me riled up. I might not be able to get any work done for the rest of the day. I might need one of those marijuana cigarettes and an hour with girls down in the Division of… you know, they might not actually work here, but they like to hang out in the lobby and they are very friendly.
William McGillicuddy has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, we’re going to ruin the life of his nemesis on his behalf. At first, William selected “communism” as his nemesis. Isn’t it all of our nemesis? Anyway, that doesn’t work, so we asked him to select once again. That time he chose his neighbor Nestor Clementine, who is a communist. We spun the Wheel of Misery and it arrived at the space for “Less Communist.” I will admit that quite a few of the spaces on the Wheel of Misery do have to do with communism. At any rate, we will now begin the process of reducing Nestor’s communist tendencies. That is going to make it harder for him to fit in with his fellow communists, and this identity crisis will be serious. For good measure, we will also increase the communist tendencies of William McGillicuddy, in an ironic twist. I am afraid the word will lose all meaning if I say “communism” one more time. Congratulations on the win, comrade, and best of luck.
That brings us to the end of this broadcast, shareholders. Thank you all so much for listening. I would also like to thank the boys in the band. There’s Foggy Merkin on the doom drums (drum fill). We’ve got Tiny Large on the uptight bass (upright fill). Slick Wick McCormick on ultra sax (sax fill). And Will Billiams on the drunk piano (piano fill). You may now take your radios and crush them firmly under foot. Destroy the beautiful solid state electronics. Crush the speaker. Bend the antenna into a silly shape. The numbers are next.
This episode of Kakos Industries was written, produced, recorded, and mixed by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music was written and performed by Conrad Miszuk, Josh Lang, and Jon Lang, with Conrad Miszuk on the upright bass and drums, Josh Lang on saxophone, and Jon Lang on piano. The Introduction was read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are in the process of being read by Hanna Jones. The voice of Vladimir Rasputlenin was provided by Fareed Bailey, and the voice of Melantha Murther was provided by Kim Aiello. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes, transcriptions of the episodes, and news. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered throwing a rock music festival?