36 – Jules
in which the Sexual Innovation Division has some interesting news, the Celebration of Self Love is recapped, preparations are made for the CEO Festival, the settlers in Hell ar doing better than expected, Kimmie and Maggie join the team at the Division of Uphill Battles, and Thomas the Genetically Modified Ape “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear may cause the Earth to turn more slowly for a time, and then rapidly catch up.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholders’ announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. I know that I’ve been doing this for a while now, shareholders, but I just wanted to tell you how nice it is still. I’m required to do this, yes, but I’m still allowed to enjoy it, am I not? Bringing you these updates is one of the best parts of my job. We work so hard on everything we do here that it really makes a difference in morale being able to tell you about all of these developments. I don’t have much to tell you about myself at the moment. I’m still waiting to see what they want me to do regarding all of my extra Evil, and Brosephus is on vacation. I looked into it a bit more deeply, and it seems that Brosephus’s actual job title is “Executive Friender” from the Division of Congenitally Congenial Confidants and Comrades. I’ve been reading through their mission statement, and it would seem that they are prohibited from doing any sort of spying. It’s not impossible for them to lie in their mission statement, but when I asked Grace about it, she merely raised an eyebrow and said, “You need to chill.” I suppose we’ll just have to see where this goes when Brosephus returns from his vacation. I understand he did take his girlfriend with him, so things seem to be patched up there. Belladonnica organized what I am assuming was her first attempt to overthrow me and take the company from me. Unfortunately, her influence only seems to affect other children. So I was attacked by a bunch of children. They are still young, though, and lack the proper killer instinct. That or they are the children of any of our middlemen and women, who are genetically incapable of meaningful action. Anyway, I wrangled them into a closet and locked them in while Belladonnica watched. Then, I got them to agree to stopping the onslaught in exchange for an ice cream party, a party that Belladonnica was not invited to. Yes, shareholders, she had to watch as her army of peers sold out her every ideal for delicious chocolate, vanilla, and actual tiger’s blood ice cream. Last I saw her, she was running off crying. A few of the lightbulbs in the hallway blinked out as she ran by. That was probably a coincidence. I maintain that this was a necessary part of her education. She has many years in front of her before she will have the skills to appropriately overthrow me, and in that time, I will have learned better how to prevent such a usurpation. Anyway, I do feel a little guilty because no one has seen her since that time. Grace has been noticeably worried. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the hum from one of your home appliances. The electric motors in some of the things you own have been modified to allow for transmission and reproduction of these broadcasts. I’ve got the schematic in front of me for how we did this, and along with the common components, such as resistors, capacitors, transistors, microchips, etc., there is also what appears to be a totem of some sort with the words “Voodoo Appliance” beside it. There isn’t a such thing as Voodoo, so that is likely some sort of branding that we’ve done here. Anyway, if you’re not a shareholder, I would recommend that you turn everything off for a little while. Light some candles. Listen to the quiet inside of you. If you continue to listen to us, then there will only be quiet inside of you. And outside of you. You’ll be in space. And not in a fun way.
Before we get to the festival recap, I am proud to announce that we have a special guest for all of you today. The Sexual Innovation Division has finally developed what they are calling a working prototype of their Penis-with-a-Brain. To tell us more about it, I am joined by researcher Richard Wood.
Richard: It’s wonderful to be here, Corin. I’m a huge fan of your work on these broadcasts.
Corin: Well, thank you for saying so, Richard. Uh, you wouldn’t happen to be related to Peter Wood, would you?
Richard: Actually, yes, he’s my brother. We worked in the Division of Adult Diversion together, and then I was transferred to the SID when the DAD was shut down.
Corin: You know, it’s actually been one year since his accident. How is he doing?
Richard: Well, Corin, he’s still, um… a giant penis. He’s a little more recognizable these days, but the effect hasn’t worn off.
Corin: Shareholders, if you don’t remember, or you somehow blacked out the time when Peter Wood had his accident, then I should remind you that he was a chemist in the Division of Adult Diversion who had a mishap with their penis enlargement cream that caused him to become a giant penis. He ran around for a while before we eventually caught him in my studio, but not before he made a mess everywhere and I had to have a new studio built.
Richard: He’s extremely sorry about that, by the way. He’s got his condition under control now.
Corin: That’s good to hear. How is he managing?
Richard: Surprisingly well, Corin. It seems that some women really like the way he is, and they help to keep his condition from getting out of hand. I mean, he’s in their hands. Like they’re jerking him off.
Corin: I’m glad he is doing well. Now, Richard, I understand that you have something to show us.
Richard: Yes. I’d like to introduce you to Jules della Famiglia, my penis.
(Richard unbuttons his pants, unzips them, and pulls them down.)
Corin: Oh, hi, Jules.
Jules: Hello, Corin! It’s wonderful to finally meet you! Might I just say that you are looking fantastic today, Corin.
Corin: Oh, thank you.
Jules: And what is that lovely aroma?
Corin: Oh, it’s a special blend they make for me. They call it Evil Overlord.
Jules: How wonderful. It’s the perfect icing to such a delectable cake.
Corin: Ah, um, thank you Jules. Tell me a little bit about the project here. How exactly are you joining us like this today?
Jules: Thank you so much for asking, Corin! You see, the Sexual Innovation Division has perfected a methodology for implanting miniature human brains into the human penis so that men can let their penises do all of the talking during regular dating activity.
Corin: And how have the results been?
Jules: Women love me, Corin. Have you been working out, by the way? You’re looking trim.
Corin: Oh, um… a little, I guess.
Jules: You look simply magnificent, Corin.
Corin: Thanks, Jules. We need to take a break and do some other announcements.
Jules: Not a problem, Corin. You do whatever you have to do.
We recently had the celebration of Self Love, shareholders. I hope that you enjoyed yourself. During this celebration, we were all required to explore ourselves in an autoromantic fashion. Really take ourselves out for a nice date, you know, some place fancy, like the Burrito King. And then we needed to take ourselves home for the obvious next step. I’ve been reading through some of your activity journals, shareholders, and I must say that I am impressed. Some of you were weird about it and did tie yourselves up. You did not let society stop your internal journey. You didn’t let the rules of morality tell you where you could go. You fearlessly tried out whatever you could imagine in the confines of your own head just to see if it might take you someplace special. Of course, you’re all disgusting, but I’m still impressed with your work. The event culminated, as it always does, with the Bukakos. Shareholder Katrina Baleen won the bid to have her face laid out in the mosaic tiles, and also a good portion of her backside. And also her website. You see, Katrina is a webcam girl, and she took this opportunity to advertise for her business. Overall, I think that most of us had an easy time looking at her, so I would imagine things have gone well on that front. When we finished covering the tiles, we scooped up some of the muck to send to space. We aimed it at an exoplanet many light years away, but our aim isn’t great, and also radiation is a problem. The remaining genetic material was then packaged up to be made into genetic monsters. It’s important. We have to do it. Some of you have asked us in the past, “but doesn’t that genetic material only come from those of us capable of sperm production?” All I can say is, you’d be surprised what we find.
Are you ready for another full week of Taco Tuesday, shareholders? No? Me either. The last one was tough. I love tacos, but only eating tacos for each meal for a whole week is less of a celebration, and more of chore. Anyway, things worked out okay because I got a letter from my grandfather today. It said, “Here, sport, you might need this.” Out of the letter fell a coupon for a Free Change to the CEO Festival. So I get a do over. I did some brainstorming with my advisors, and unfortunately, Grace has informed me that Shark Week has been taken. I decided that my problem thus far has been trying to go too specific with my festivals. My predecessors all made festivals out of things that they enjoy, and things that they can enjoy for a while. So, I decided not to overthink it, shareholders. Coming up, we have the CEO Festival. That’s it. A festival dedicated to the CEO, so, me. I can say that there may be Kakos Tacos. There may also be Fornication on a Train. The only thing for certain is that I will be there, and that you will be celebrating me. I admit, it’s a little egotistical of me, but let’s not ignore the wonderful opportunity that this festival presents for me to celebrate you as well. I think that we are going to enjoy it.
Corin: Let’s get back to Richard and Jules. Jules, is that a present?
Jules: I got you a present, Corin.
Corin: Oh, that was thoughtful of you.
Jules: I was just thinking about you, so I thought I’d get you something special.
Corin: You really didn’t have to do that.
Jules: I just wanted you to know that I care.
Corin: Well, thank you Jules. I, uh.. I like you too.
Corin: Oh, it’s an evening gown with an empire waist.
Jules: Do you like it?
Corin: It’s beautiful. You know, I don’t usually wear-
Jules: I could take care of you, Corin. We could have a life together.
Corin: Um… I’ve got some more questions. Some of our shareholders might be wondering how you enjoy being a sentient penis.
Jules: You know, Corin, I don’t think about it too much. I’m just trying to live life to the fullest. I’m just doing what makes me happy. What makes you happy, Corin?
Corin: Uh… Richard, how have you liked having a sentient penis.
Richard: It’s pretty cool. We’re tight.
Corin: Okay, then. Let’s do some other announcements.
I have news from Hell. The settlers are doing surprisingly well. I’d say that only 70% of them are dead now, and many new ones are on the way. It’s harsh down there for sure, and many of the beasts and creatures are totally unknown to us, so any attempts to fight them are sure to meet obstacles. Just at the edge of the light cast by the torches at the Hell labor camp, there is now a trading post. Its wares are unlike anything we have seen before. Spider leather. Pig talons. Tree teeth. We’re trying to keep a lid on the entrance to Hell just to make sure we don’t accidentally kill everyone on the surface with whatever is causing this rate of mutation below. It would be fine if we did it on purpose. Accidentally is not okay. We’ve begun importing some of these new textiles. In fact, I’m wearing a spider leather bracelet right now. The feeling of it is so strange. It’s like your skin is crawling, but if you leave it for a while, you get used to it. I think I like it. We’re running some tests now.
I have news from the adorable lesbian couple Kimmie and Maggie. No, they haven’t fallen for any of our attempts to improve their relationship, but they have been moved to the Division of Uphill Battles, where they developed a new way to move water uphill, and to reclaim swampland. I asked the Division heads for more information. They simply said, “Fuckin’ magnets.” I unfortunately, don’t have any more information for you, shareholders, but it is possible that this new technology will finally allow us to examine the ruins of the old Kakos Industries Tower. I’m not getting my hopes up, though.
They say that Evil is one-size-fits-all, but it looks perfect on all of us. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for artificial banana flavor, artificial pear flavor, and weird chip flavors in other countries. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then we have some interesting flavors for you to try. You might like a couple of them. You won’t like many, many more.
Thomas, the genetically modified ape, has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of his nemesis will be ruined. Thomas has selected Joseph Lobes, researcher at the Division of Primates and Super Primates, as his target. Well that one certainly hit close to home. How did we even let the ape become a shareholder? Eesh. Anyway, the wheel of misery spun and spun and finally landed on “Ape-ified.” From this day forward, Joseph Lobes will be Ape-ified. And for good measure, Thomas the ape will be human-ified. We might even swap their jobs so Thomas has to experiment on apes. We really outdid ourselves this time. Congratulations on the win.
Corin: Okay, Jules, I have just a couple more questions for you. I’d appreciate if we can keep this segment on-topic.
Jules: Don’t listen to what anyone else says, Corin. I think you’re beautiful.
Corin: Okay, Jules, have you found much success with the ladies?
Jules: Why do you want to know about them, Corin? You know you’re the only one for me.
Corin: Jules, this is getting inappropriate.
Jules: Touch me, Corin. I want to feel you.
Corin: No. I don’t want to.
Jules: Oh. Oh. I see what this is.
Corin: Good. If we can get back on track, I’ve got a couple more questions.
Jules: I see what this is, Corin. You’re being a bitch is what this is.
Corin: I’m sorry?
Jules: You’re a bitch, Corin.
Jules: I gave you presents, Corin. I told you how wonderful you are. How beautiful your are to me. I listened to you whenever you were upset. I listened to you when all those other guys broke your heart, Corin.
Corin: I don’t remember that last part. I’ve only known you for under an hour.
Jules: You’re just an ungrateful bitch, Corin.
Corin: I’m sorry?
Jules: I gave you love, Corin. I gave you kind words, and I gave you a beautiful dress. I’m a nice guy, Corin. I’m a nice penis. But you can’t see that. You’re just obsessed with all those douchebags.
Corin: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jules: I give and give and give, and what do I get? Bitches like you just taking advantage of how nice I am. And here I thought I was doing you a favor, Corin.
Corin: A favor?
Jules: You’re fat, Corin. And you’re not that pretty. I don’t like your makeup at all. Most guys wouldn’t look twice at you. But I like you and I thought I’d give you a chance. You should be thanking me. But instead you’re just a bitch who can’t respect what she’s given.
Corin: So… Richard, I think you should know that this project is cancelled.
Richard: I know.
Corin: I’ll decide what to do with the rest of your division tomorrow.
Jules: You’re just a bitch, Corin! Just an awful, bitch! I loved you! Bitch!
Corin: Please just get the fuck out of here.
Jules: Oh, why you gotta be like that, huh?
Corin: Richard, get the fuck out of here before I literally cut your dick off.
Jules: So… um… there’s still a chance for us, right?
(zipping sound, muffled “bitches”)
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast. You don’t have to destroy your radio, but I will say that the added stress of producing these frequencies has probably broken at least one of your appliances. We hope it wasn’t important. Actually, we don’t care, but that seemed like a nice thing to say. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently peeping. Special guest appearance in this episode by David Portillo and Anwar Newton. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered changing who you are at a fundamental level?