35 – Brawl
in which Corin discusses his path to wellness, a small fight is had between good friends, you eat something that makes you feel weird, a large fight between strangers is had, Evil Con is recapped, preparations are made for the Celebration of Self Love, and Bambi Porkle “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear may clear some things up for you. You know, things.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, I think I owe you an update on my progress with these Evil suppressants. You may remember that some time ago the board recommended I undergo treatment for what they deemed to be an excess and, more importantly, an uncontrolled level of Evil in my system. Well, I was taking Evilidryl, which is fairly common Evil suppressant, but I realized that I was no longer having nightmares… or any dreams at all for that matter, and I also developed a rather serious issue with watching so many videos of cute animals that I couldn’t get any work done. I mean, it was pretty bad. I wasn’t doing anything at all. Just videos. Ooh, a puppy. Kittens don’t belong in there. Bear cubs do not even seem dangerous. So they decided to stop that line of treatment. I am waiting to hear what comes next. I will say that the withdrawal has been… unpleasant. I am now having all of the nightmares I was denied previously. I had one where Dark Mother Belladonnica just popped off her head and then threw it at me. Then she somehow popped off another head and threw it at me. She just kept throwing heads at me. Then I was just buried under all of these bleeding Belladonnica heads. They all began to cackle at me. And then they began to take bites out of me until I was just a bleeding head myself. Then they attached my head to a tree… and then I was a tree for a little while. I don’t know. I mentioned it to our resident dream expert, Barney Pulp at the Division of Somnambulation and Vegetation. He consulted a couple of texts, looking up terms like “Severed Heads” and “Scary Child” and “Eaten Alive” and also “How to Interpret Dreams” before looking at me and saying, “shit’s fucked, man.” I guess that’s that. Back in reality, Belladonnica has been keeping quiet. Who knows what horrors she is plotting. Also, I have some news regarding Brosephus. It seems that one of you out there told his girlfriend that I said that he was having doubts, and now he is in relationship hot water. Shareholders, you know better. That is completely unacceptable. We don’t know which one of you broke the rules yet, but we will get to the bottom of this and I think you will find the punishment particularly unpleasant. Anyway, I had a scheduled time to hang out with Brosephus, and I reluctantly went to meet with him. He was upset. He spoke his mind. He said, “Bros don’t do that, bro.” I told him I was sorry. He said, “Sorry’s not good enough.” I said I would talk to his girlfriend. Or get him another one. Obviously, I can’t control the will of any of the women associated with Kakos Industries, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t find him an excellent match that is statistically inclined to turn into a relationship. Anyway, he said that wasn’t what he wanted, and he insisted that we would have to fight. I tried to argue with him, but then he hit me in the stomach and knocked me over. He moved toward me, apparently about to pounce, and I kicked him in the head. I’m not proud of it, but I tore my suit on the edge of a table as I fell, and I was a little steamed. While he was unconscious, I spent some time debating if I should just kill him. But then I thought, no, the board wouldn’t like that. They organized this because they believed it was important. I would have to just patch things up. When he awoke, he asked what happened. I told him that we fought and I kicked him in the head. He said, “Cool,” and then asked me if I wanted to play video games and order Chinese food. I’m still not sure what alchemy of emotion I performed with that kick to his skull, but apparently things are cool now. I have never been more certain that he is hiding something. Who is he? What does he want? Has the board hired him to spy on me? He’s not much of an actor, anyway. I can see right through him.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you via your stomach rumblings after that savory burrito you just consumed. No, we haven’t learned how to record messages in food… I mean that you know of, anyway. Instead, we embedded a chemical in your food that, when digested, becomes a gas that is sensitive to the radio frequencies we use. The rest of your body becomes an amplifier of sorts, and bob’s your uncle, we have sound. This development comes from a partnership between our Culinary Division and Giant Ass Burrito, which you probably guessed is a subsidiary of Giant Ass Things in General, which owns Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face. I will say that you did not need to finish the burrito, and that doing so may actually be dangerous, but it is also important that you do not share the burrito with anyone who is not a shareholder. At least not until after the broadcast. At your various requests, we customized the burritos to your individual tastes and dietary constraints. One of you ordered a “Bits of Latex Burrito”, and we did it. You sick fuck, we did it. We could have just killed you and put you out of your evident misery, but no, we made that disgusting abomination. Latex is indigestible. I’m starting to gag a little bit just thinking about that. Holy Hell. If you happen to not be a shareholder, but you are near a shareholder’s noisy insides, then please walk away. Why? Well you see… Uh… Oh dear. I should really read ahead before I get on a roll with the threats. If you are not a shareholder then you need to move away because the gas that will shortly be expelled from the shareholder will be literally toxic to you. Then it says the word “Fart” with a smiley face next to it. It looks like they were thinking of using the phrase “silent but deadly” but they drew a line through it. Come on, guys. Do you not know that I have to read this out loud? We’re going to kill people with farts? Are we children? The answer is no. We are not children.
Recently, we had a handful of our more prestigious shareholders over for a small gathering. A thank you for all that they have done for us. And by that, I mean giving us money. It was an intimate event. We served everyone tea according to their desires. Things were mostly pleasant and went according to plan. I mean, we did have one shareholder request 100 extra tickets to accommodate all of her wives and concubines. At first, we thought this was a joke. Then Clitorine Sappho-Hélèné Cunnilingusorvez appeared outside of our building with 100 women in tow, of all shapes, sizes, and phenotypes. Unfortunately, we couldn’t let them in, so we made them sandwiches, and they hung out in the courtyard. I suppose I should have known better, seeing as Clitorine confided in me that she has a “rich vulva” and sex is what completely defines her as a person. Once everyone was seated, I was joined by Camilla Coldcock, the Director of the Division of Truculence, Bellicosity, and Pugnacity. She likes a good fight, and she was having a hard time containing her excitement. We watched as everyone was given their alarmingly specific tea orders. Also, I would like to just say that if we gave a shit that you prefer coffee, we would have asked if you prefer coffee. We don’t, and we didn’t. We watched as Vidente Fernandez was given her frozen chai bubble is-this-still-really tea. We watched as Rini Steen was poured her iced chocolate mint what-have-we-done-to-these-leaves tea. We watched as Gaby Lopez was poured a Long Island iced tea, which is not tea, but we know better than to get in between Gaby and her booze. And then, of course, there was the much more sensible Taylor Emmons, with her tea, earl grey, hot. But really, we shouldn’t get too bogged down by the tea selection, even though many of you are heathens with reprehensible tastes. No, this event was really about what everyone came to do to one another: Good, old-fashioned, caveperson-approved brutality. Camilla squeezed my shoulder with her firm grip as she anxiously awaited the brawl. She whispered, “come on, come on, come on!” as she watched the shareholders finish whatever was left in their cups. And then, without showing any emotion, shareholder Nicky Oblivion rose quietly and then kneeled beside the table. With a show of force, she removed a leg from the wooden coffee table, and then swung it at shareholder Lizifer Morningstar, who had spent most of the tea party sharpening a small ceramic plate into a shiv. The wooden leg made contact with Lizifer’s head, dazing her, and sending her into shareholder Elliot Liam. Lizifer stabbed him in the thigh with the ceramic shiv. Elliot let out an unholy scream before wrapping a strip of the tablecloth around Lizifer’s neck. Seeing this moment of weakness, shareholder Hannah Fortner slammed a chair over both of their heads, knocking them both unconscious, and destroying the chair. Nicky Oblivion then charged Hannah with the jagged end of the table leg used to daze Lizifer Morningstar. Hannah dodged to one side, only to come into contact with shareholder Honeyed Rose’s flying shin. Yes, Vidente Fernandez and Honeyed Rose had tied their left arms together with part of the table cloth, and they began swinging one another into the other fighters. Hannah Fortner fell unconscious from the blow. Then Honeyed Rose swung Vidente Fernandez knee first into Nicky Oblivion. Nicky saw stars and then… um… oblivion. At the end of the table, shareholder Abbie Cooke held shareholder Veronica Macias in a headlock. Veronica grasped at anything that could help her to change her situation. She grabbed shareholder Damien Yeager by the collar, and threw him forcefully into Abbie’s head. Their heads made contact, knocking neither of them out. In a rare move of cooperation, Damien began to throw his fists into Veronica’s stomach while Abbie held her in the headlock. Veronica spat blood as she lost consciousness. Damien slipped on the blood, sending him head first into shareholder Nicole Kathleen, who was at the time trading punches with shareholder Damian Salizar. All three of them fell. Nicole then performed some sort of ninja move to stand up again, and then jumped into the air to stomp on the heads of Damien and Damian. Damien and Damian narrowly dodged the attack, rose quickly, and threw punches at Nicole. Their punches landed at the same exact moment on opposite ends of Nicole’s head, knocking her unconscious, and somehow breaking both of their arms. Damien and Damian recoiled in pain, giving Abbie Cooke, who had just released Veronica Macias, the opportunity to hit each of them in the head with tea kettles. As Abbie reveled in her victory, shareholder Hong Zhi Zhu struck her in the head with a luxurious candelabra. Nearby, shareholder Courtney Campbell leapt from on top of the table, throwing a shoulder into Hong Zhi Zhu’s head. They both fell to the ground hard and wrestled. Somehow, they wrangled their bodies into a position that caused them both to lose consciousness simultaneously. At another end of the room, shareholders Rini Steen, Taylor Emmons, Maria Samuelsen, and the shareholder only known by the mononym Hoagie, were taking turns roaring at one another. It was a heated battle of whose roar could inspire the most fear in the others without being so intense that the roarer would lose consciousness. Rini let out an unearthly “Raaaaa!”. Taylor responded by digging into the darkest part of herself and returning with a “Wooooooooo!” Maria tapped into the wisdom of the dark ancients before letting loose a “GAAAAAAH!” Hoagie summoned the darkness from all the living things nearby before sounding a deep “MRAAAAAA!” The four of them found themselves sweating and panting and bleeding inexplicably from what appeared to be superficial cuts. Rini took a deep breath, preparing her next attack. When she opened her mouth again, though, no sound emerged. Taylor, Maria, and Hoagie were equally inaudible. The last round of roaring had taken everything out of them. Finally, they all devolved to slapping one another, until they collapsed from exhaustion. Shareholder Ryan Bate and shareholder Kaitlynn Jamarillo engaged in a heated battle of rock, paper, scissors, where the loser would be struck with whatever the winner had selected. They had both selected Rock for the tenth time in a row. Then, Ryan selected paper while Kaitlynn selected Rock. Ryan picked up a bucket of jagged crumpled paper and dumped it over Kaitlynn. The edges of the paper lightly cut Kaitlynn. Really, it wasn’t that bad. Ryan then played scissors while Katilynn played rock once again. Kaitlynn produced a bucket of rocks that she dumped over Ryan, bruising him badly. Then, Ryan played paper once again while Kaitlynn played scissors. Kaitlynn braced herself before dumping a bucket of open scissors over Ryan, turning him into a bloody mess. Then, Honeyed Rose swung Vidente Fernandez into Kaitlyn, kicking her in the head, bringing her down for the count. Nearby, shareholders Gaby Lopez, Noelle Leonard, and Mie Laedie Dieksmasher were in the middle of a standoff. Each had carved the legs of a chair into stakes, but they left them attached to the chairs. They swung the chairs and attempted to impale one another repeatedly without much success. Each time one would make a running jab, the other two would end up following in a circle, hoping to attack the others at their weak point. Then, Gaby and Noelle struck a deal, agreeing to both take out Mie Laedie Dieksmasher at once. Unfortunately, they both decided to turn on one another at the exact same time, and they smashed their chairs into each other. Rage filled their hearts as they began to beat on each other with the leftover shrapnel from the chair collision, while Mie Laedie Dieksmasher watched. Then, Mie Laedie Dieksmasher broke her chair into two nearly even halves and rushed the other two, hitting both of them in the head, knocking them both unconscious in a pile of jagged wood chips. She shouted “Diek-SMASH!” at the top of her lungs before setting sight on Vidente Fernandez and Honeyed Rose, who continued to fling one another around the room. She charged. Vidente Fernandez and Honeyed Rose narrowly dodged. Mie Laedie Dieksmasher collided with shareholder Seysha Yesan, and then a wall at top speed. Seysha Yesan then began beating Mie Laedie Dieksmasher on the head while pinned to the wall. Seysha’s punches grew more and more ineffectual as she lost consciousness. The blows had done their damage, though. Before Mie Laedie Dieksmasher collapsed, she shouted “Diek-SMASHED”. Believing themselves to be the last two fighters, Vidente Fernandez and Honeyed Rose began to tug at one another, throwing the occasional punch. Finally, Honeyed Rose successfully tripped Vidente Fernandez, but it sent both of them toppling head first into the ground. Neither rose. The room grew quiet. From under one of the undisturbed tables, Clitorine Sappho-Hélèné Cunnilingusorvez rose. She shouted “I’m ready!” Upon discovering the carnage had ended, she did what she had promised to do in her acceptance of the invitation: she set herself on fire. Fully expecting this outcome, two women dressed as nurses nearby used fire extinguishers to put her out before any damage could be done. Then they led her out into the courtyard. Camilla began to cheer and applaud. “Really well done,” she shouted. Then she turned to look at me and said, “There’s something that needs your attention urgently.” She grabbed me by the hand and led me out of the room. And that was the end of the first Shareholders’ Brawl. I hope that you all enjoyed that recap. Of course, if you’d like to be a part of the next Shareholders’ Brawl, be sure to keep an eye on store.kakosindustries.com for opportunities.
Did you have a good Evil Con shareholders? Of course, I’m speaking to the select few of you who managed to get tickets. As you know, in order to even get the tickets, you have to be in front of your computer the moment they go on sale, which we don’t announce in advance, and then you have to be lucky. Some of you may qualify for professional badges, if you work in the Evil trades as well. Those of you that I saw were having a wonderful time, waiting in lines, spending money, picking up cumbersome, useless things to take home and then throw away. I mean, I know you have all those art projects planned for all of those leftover pieces of swag, but the pile of supplies has gotten a little out of hand, hasn’t it? Those of you who were not able to join us have no doubt caught up on all of the details online through various bootleg videos and official releases. I am sure that you have witnessed videos from the convention floor at the time that the Giant Ass Robots demonstration went a little off the rails. Okay, they nearly destroyed the whole convention center. That is, they did destroy a lot of it. For those of you who haven’t seen the videos, the Giant Ass Robots demonstration was a Giant Ass Donkey Monster. They brought it into the building carefully, but the demonstration of its kicking power sent the damn thing through the convention hall knocking things over and tossing guests around. Most people thought it was pretty “extreme”, or, at the very least, “totally awesome!” Our Division of Subversive Cute also had some trouble with their Lipstick and Wig Velociraptors, which did not behave as kindly as their affected appearance was intended to suggest. The Sexual Innovation Division filled the booth usually reserved for the Division of Adult Diversion and they showcased their new pleasure ray. They ran into trouble when one of the attendees stole the ray and began firing it willy-nilly into the crowd. They did eventually catch him and he is awaiting a fittingly cruel and unusual punishment. They also had a couple of tarps laid out so that their group of booth babes and studs could demonstrate the 15-way that they perfected. The temptation to add the sixteenth person was real, but I am proud to say that they seem to have learned from their mistakes. Really, there were just too many things going on to recap, but I think I’ve hit on some of the most important ones.
Coming up, we have the Celebration of Self Love once again. We had to delay it, yes, but we can’t lose this festival. It’s just too damned important for some of our more tightly wound staff. According to the memo on my progress through this mental health program, that apparently includes me. On second thought, I think this festival is sad and extremely patronizing. People can figure out when and how to get themselves off. It’s not up to us. I’m looking at Grace through the window of the door right now, and her stare seems to say “It is up to us.” See, that’s what I call a rapport. I don’t even need to hear her speak. I don’t need to hear that deep, whale song that comes out of her mouth. I just know what she means. It might be telepathy also. There’s a lot of questions I could ask her, but I’m afraid, and the answers would probably be riddles. I don’t know why I said that. She’s never told me a riddle. It’s more like a truth that you don’t understand immediately. Or really legal verbiage. Anyway, everyone does have to take care of themselves in a sexual fashion every day before the festival, and they do have to push themselves deeper than before. I might suggest turning off the computer and just seeing where that freaky mind of yours takes you. Then we have the celebration itself, where we all don our masquerade attire, you know, a mask, and then we participate in the Bukakos. The face printed on the floor is still up for grabs, so get those bids in! For those of you concerned with what we do with all of this leftover genetic material, I am required by nether law to inform you that we may use some of it in the manufacture of genetic monsters, but we won’t use that much from any one of you, so it won’t be like you having a genetic monster for a child. More like a third cousin or a great-grandchild. And who doesn’t end up with at least one genetic monster for a third cousin? No one here. That’s who. And by the time they grow up, they’ll probably be allowed to vote. That’s just around the corner.
They say that Evil is like an awful smell: while the end is sure to bring sadness, the search for its origins is irresistible. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for credit, taking, and we. If you disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for this time, then I would encourage you to stop thinking so much. It is certain to get you in trouble.
Bambi Porkle has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Like always, this gives Bambi the opportunity to ruin the life of a selected nemesis. Bambi has selected Theodora Sphank. The Wheel of Misery, in all of its imposing wisdom, spun many times. We don’t know how long, because the people who started it up were hypnotised by the motion and couldn’t remember how long they had been standing there. The Wheel finally arrived at Heavy Head. As a result, Theodora Sphank will now have an unbearably heavy skull, and she will struggle to keep it above her shoulders. For good measure, Bambi Porkle will now be light headed. I’m guessing that means her head will actually be light, by maybe taking pieces out or something, but who knows. Best of luck. Congratulations on the win.
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast. There is no way to destroy your radio, of course, seeing how it is merely a gaseous buildup inside of you, but, as I foreshadowed earlier, that gaseous buildup will be relieved shortly, and our ability to communicate with you like this will be lost. At least until you fire up those leftovers. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently checking Tumblr. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered taking a slinky to a tall set of stairs, and then crushing it under your foot?