31 – Paint It Black
in which a memorial is made, Dark Mother Belladonnica is punished, Melantha continues to fight her ownership of Kakos Industries stock, You hear a distinct buzzing sound, the Water Festival is unsurprising, the Earth festival is surprising, preparations are made for the UltraNudity Festival, animals with synthetic furs are developed, our precise level of nastiness can be determined, the Earth is definitely not flat, the Sexual Innovation Division runs into unexpected friction, and Gabrielle Pipedew “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear might fill you with desire. Desire for what is unclear at this time.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, I would like to begin this set of announcements a little bit differently. I would like to dedicate this set of announcements to the memory of a beloved employee here at Kakos Industries, and a close personal friend. Every generation owes in some part its existence, its traditions, and its ways of life to the generation that came before it. Without the efforts of those who came before, none of what we know today would be here for us. Not our words, not our sciences, and not our image macros. I am afraid that the future generations have been robbed of a substantial amount of that intellectual scaffolding. They have been robbed of giant set of shoulders to stand on. They have been robbed of decades of rich tradition, advancement, and compassion. They have been robbed of one of the best of us they could hope to descend from, to learn from, and to draw inspiration from. Dr. Kathleen Gorgon began working here under my grandfather a few years before he died and I succeeded him. It was during this time that our relationship began. My life during those years was not the easiest. She taught me to see a different side of things. She took on my worry and my concerns, and in return, she asked for nothing. Without her, I am not sure that the transition of power would have gone as smoothly as it did, or that it would have happened at all. I admit that there were times when I did not want to take on the mantle of CEO. She worked tirelessly to keep us honest, reminding us that we might need to lie to others, but we shouldn’t lie to ourselves. Her passion motivated all of us to be better and to Do Evil Better. She left us far too early, and the full effect of what her personality and skills had to offer to us and to many future generations will never be known. It is possible that tomorrow she could have completely changed and given it all up for something bizarre, say clowning, but those of us who knew her well know that this is not a likely possibility. Her passion for improvement and progress would only know juggling as a minor hobby at most. She has left a substantial gap in our company, and also in our hearts. We will fill that gap with her memory, and sand, and outsourced labor, and we will carry the best parts of her with us, metaphorically speaking, knowing that things will never be the same again. You will never be forgotten, Dr. Gorgon. The explosion from the lab next door to yours that ended your life too soon is pretty hard to forget. It’s possible that its memory will reverberate around the halls of this building just as the shockwave did, but for much, much longer. And it will be hard to forget with all of the repairs we have left to do. And I think one of the walls that was destroyed was load-bearing, so… we’ll see how that goes. It is easy to talk about what could have been, and perhaps what should have been, but all we ever have is what is. I will always remember you, and I will always love you, Kathleen.
We caught Dark Mother Belladonnica smoking a cigarette the other day. That… won’t be happening again. It was kind of bizarre to see, and we all agreed that it might have been Evil, but it was also in poor taste. The board and I met with Grace to discuss how to appropriately discipline the child. Ultimately, we decided it would be best to replace her wardrobe with brightly colored normal child clothes. I believe that she has gotten the message. To compensate for her bright attire, her expressions have become even more sour, at times seeming to melt and drip off of her skull. It is for the best, I believe. She has to learn that, even though she might have the mind and soul of thousands of years of Evil, as one theory suggests, she is still a little girl. On the subject of her paintings, it seems that an anonymous donor has given her some black paint to work with. Things have become even darker on that front. It does seem that she may have made a friend, though, so that’s good. I am told that his name is Braiden, and his father works in the Division of Incredibly Boring Things. I use the term “friend” loosely. She tends to command him around, and he does as she wishes. This is not unlike normal child behavior, but, just in case, I have asked some of my security to keep an eye out for a rebellion.
The legal battle with Melantha continues. She tells me that she is really close to figuring this one out, but Grace just shakes her head from side to side, and I tend to trust Grace more than my opposition. I’m really not sure what is going to happen with all of this, but I feel like we have the strong position here. Sure, she owns a piece of our company, but I think it is equally true that our company owns a piece of her. Knowing Melantha, we might just get that piece in the mail some day after she’s replaced it with whatever new flesh she has grown for herself. But there is likely not a specific piece she could remove, or she would have done it by now. I do anticipate some sort of resolution, but I would like to repeat, just for the sake of clarity, that she will not become any sort of forced laborer of a sexual variety. At Kakos Industries, we value and respect all of our employees, no matter how nature made them look or how they choose to identify. Even if they do have a delectable bottom that you just want to slide your tongue all over.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from our Division of Buzz’s brand new Swarm of GMO Bees Against Everyone, or Bumble BAEs for short. These scientifically enhanced insects are capable of receiving radio frequencies and modifying their buzzing frequencies to produce an astoundingly clear reproduction of the sounds I intend for you to hear. We’ve been testing these broadcasts on our specially targeted conspiracy theorists for a little while now. At first we tried to surreptitiously give them ideas, but when they caught on to us, we had to make it seem like the broadcasts just weren’t making it to their intended targets and that they were really clever for catching on to us. So far, you’d be really surprised how much we’ve gotten them to believe. I don’t want to get too specific right now, but there just might be insect people living in a colony in Montreal. For those of you in the know about our actual insect people in Montreal, these are different insect people, and oddly enough, those two divisions don’t even work together. It’s just a coincidence. Weird, huh? If you’re not currently a shareholder in Kakos Industries, then I would be pretty concerned about that bee sting you just got. You might not ordinarily be allergic, but these Bumble BAEs are special. I would keep explaining things, but I know that you are already dead, so I’ll save my breath.
We were going to skip the Water Festival, but we couldn’t help ourselves. We had to take a look down there to see if maybe Evil had finally occurred. It seems that they all still respect that they are inside of a small, finite space together, and as such, no one can take more than they need to survive. They do have their comforts, and they are fond of putting on plays, but their lives can seem a bit spartan to those of us on the surface. I briefly hovered my finger over the self-destruct button, but I couldn’t do it. Again. So they’re just doing great. The Earth festival was boring. I mean, up until the drugs kicked in. We went from “This is a leaf. Isn’t the leaf great.” to “Everybody run, there’s a giant leafy plant monster chasing us!” I’m still not sure if there were giant leafy plant monsters chasing us at this time. It’s a definite possibility, though. Otherwise, we were just having a seriously bad trip brought on by some asshole saying the words “Everybody run, there’s a giant leafy plant monster chasing us.” I got my exercise in, shareholders. And honestly, I do feel good. But I think I’m beginning to hate leaves. The Earth can eat a bag of generic human private parts, though. That comment is in no way intended to confirm an suspicions about the giant leafy plant monsters subsisting on a diet of cloned tissue. That is an outlandish lie and anyone who believes it is a fool.
Coming up, we usually have the Nudity Festival. I told myself earlier that even if the new rule book said that we would have to cancel it, that I would fight for it. It’s an amazing festival. Some of us are at our Evilest in our clothes, and we really need an excuse to practice Evil in the nude. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that long term Kakos Industries shareholders be able to do any number of astoundingly Evil feats, regardless of their state of dress. It’s also nice to check in with everyone’s junk. You know, I worry sometimes, and I appreciate an update. That’s not weird. It’s not! I just care. Anyway, I arrived at the meeting with the Division of Dionysia ready to do battle. This is an important festival to me, and we will not lose it. Before I could open my mouth, they asked me if I was excited for the UltraNudity Festival. I sheathed my rhetorical blade, took my seat quietly, and waited for them to fill me in on all of the details. It is not unlike the Nudity Festival we know and love, but one notable addition is the inclusion of certain trained professionals. It seems that we will all have the opportunity to meet with a nudity expert who can help us to discover our perfect naked selves. This is not a fitness thing, I should mention. Nor is it a particularly sexual thing either. We will all just get some private tutoring in how to be naked better. Some nudity lessons. In addition to that, there are certain instructions for how to hold a respectable dancing session, with recommendations of classic dance music hits. I cannot say whether this festival was planned before or after the original Nudity Festival that was held in 1908, but I will say that some of the classic dance music hits they mention have not yet been written. For example, the JitterBlast of 2035 has not yet been recorded, or I’m assuming, conceived. A few of the other recommendations simply did not occur in the years they were supposed to, or at all for that matter, so I’m not holding my breath for the JitterBlast. Grace Rule is currently looking into all of these mysterious recordings to see if my knowledge of dance music hits is in any way flawed. I told her that I didn’t know most of them, but I did use the Internet. She has mixed feelings about the Internet. The musical selections, as well as the recommended dance moves, are optional, though, so even if they aren’t real, or failed to realize in quite the way the authors of this tome had imagined, then we will still be able to get our UltraNaked on. I can’t wait. I was able to find one of the pieces of music in the Kakos Industries archive. Here’s a taste.
I really want to see you naked.
I really want to see you in the nude.
I really want to see you naked.
Let’s take off our clothes and see where it goes.
I was recently told that some manufacturers of fake furs are using real animals because they are cheaper than making the fake fur. While this is no doubt Evil and I am quite certain we had something to do with it, it still seems dishonest. You might remember that some time ago, the Division of Intrinsic Evil developed a cashmere goat that grew synthetic fibers for hair. Well it seems that they have gone one step further and developed a number of smaller animals that also grow synthetic hair from synthetic skin. It has made the production of synthetic fibers much cheaper than before, and we still get to kill something small and innocent, which, we can all agree is a boon to the pursuit of Evil. This way, when we market a fake fur item, the consumer receives fake fur. But we also get to have our cruelty.
I have a piece of paper here. It says “Store.KakosIndustries.com.” Hmm… I suppose they would like you to visit our store website again. Wait a second. It also says to turn the piece of paper over. Okay. The other side reads “Store.KakosIndustries.com”. Then at the bottom it instructs me to turn the piece of paper over and to read what is on the other side. Seeing as there are only two sides to this paper, and I am not a robot required to follow all instructions, I think it’s safe to say that this is just going to be some kind of loop. Wait, no. The other side now simply says “PLS”. Plus. Plos. Pills. Oh, “please.” It’s an infantilized version of the word “please.” Please visit Store.KakosIndustries.com. It says to turn it over one more time. Oh, that is definitely not something I needed to see. You sick bastards. That was a lot of science for that awful gag. You got me this time.
Shareholders, I have something a bit embarrassing to get off my chest. Last time you heard from me, I read a letter from my grandfather. He said to have his saliva analyzed, and I thought that was just ridiculous. I actually got the results back from the lab today, and somehow, they were able to extract his meaning from that dried spit splotch. It seems that my Grandfather wanted to let me know that I needed to fill out a specific Kakos Industrie KIE-37.1 form this week. It’s a small legal requirement. There are pages of the form that only Grace can fill out, but it’s basically an update on all of the Evil we’re doing distilled down to one taxable number. The number is 44 for those of you out there who have any idea what I’m talking about. 44. I’m not sure if that’s big or small, or if maybe we just had a lot of Evil write-offs this year. 44. His saliva also said something about being careful around short people will curly hair for a little while. I don’t know about that part. What is the cutoff for short, Grampa? I guess I’ll keep an eye out. Those of you shareholders who fit these criteria, please keep an eye on yourselves. I would really appreciate it.
Our Division of Metrics has been working on developing an appropriate measurement for nastiness recently. What do they mean by nastiness? Well, nastiness. You know. I am told that the scale currently starts at clean stainless steel, and on the high end it reaches “Damn, girl, you nasty.” I am told, however, that they are planning on expanding this scale in both directions and will breach the realm of 2 Live Crew lyrics soon. I asked them for another example. They asked me what I wanted to measure. I said, measure me right at this moment. They took the nastometer and let it good read all over me, and what I think was a strong sniff. The device returned the ever quantifiable result: “Baby, you not so nasty right now as you is.” The technician hit the device a couple of times with the palm of his hand before trying it again. That time, I “could be nastier”. The team apologized profusely, but I was not offended. There may be some Evil CEOs who insist on being the nastiest mofo lowdown around this building, but I personally like to be able to vary my nastiness. The measurement is instantaneous. That is to say that if I had some weird mud sex earlier in the day that I had cleaned off, the device wouldn’t know. I’m not saying that I did, but I could have. Mud Sex.
I have a prepared statement from the Division of Flat Earth. They write, “If the Earth is round, why can’t we dribble it? If the Earth is round, why doesn’t it knock out the other planets and stars like a bowling ball? If the Earth is round, why can’t you run all the way around it? If the Earth is round, why don’t the people on the bottom fall off? If the Earth is round, then how come I can see things directly in front of me? Shouldn’t they be tilting away? If the Earth is round, why is the center not sweet like that of a melon or a coconut?” It then says the words “Checkmate, science.” Shareholders, I would like to make it clear that I have tried several times to shut down the Division of Flat Earth. It’s cute and all to have people around that genuinely believe that the Earth is flat, but we can’t really afford to waste any resources on this shit. I’ve so far only been successful in reducing their employees to one, and I can only cut his salary by around 10% per year, so he hasn’t left yet. It seems that he is still the highest paid person studying the flatness of the Earth, so he is not prepared to leave his post. He will be the highest paid Flat-ologist even after another hundred years of salary cuts, and I will say that he’s not making much right now. I might spend his yearly salary on a particularly diabolical meal. Flown to me around the curved surface of the Earth. Really, just fuck that guy. No one likes you, Cody. You’re just too good at softball to let go.
The Sexual Innovation Division is still struggling to teach a penis to carry on a deep and meaningful relationship. Their last report said something about penises not having brains. Really, it seems obvious, but sometimes it’s when you overlook the obvious that real science happens. They say that for the time being, men will have to actually treat women like people and try to make an emotional connection if they want sex. They say that they can also pay for sex-like activities if they know where to look. They have taken some of their team away from that task and put them up to new arrangements of maximally efficient group sex. I told you recently about the 9-some they had developed. Well, they made it up to 15 people with no problem, but person number 16 caused what they described as “a fleshy, fleshy meltdown of catastrophic proportions.” There is then a number of lines taken directly from the coverage of the Hindenburg disaster, which I will refrain from reading. Some of you may be thinking, “but I’ve been a part of a 16 person sexual encounter before and nothing bad happened!” Let me remind you lucky weirdos that the SID was attempting to create maximum efficiency. No one was waiting around. No one just receiving or giving. The adroit title of the experiment is “Everyone doing everyone always.” I think they had some plans at perfecting a computer model using every person on this planet. What I mean to say is your sixteen-person-love-fest succeeded simply because it was not maximally efficient. Theirs was, or nearly was. I am told that several of the participants have fused together, and not in particularly practical ways. They are looking into surgical solutions, but I am told that it may take much more work to get this situation un-fucked.
Sometimes we think we live in the light, but only until we find a place brighter. This is Things We’re Taking Credit For Now. Thing number one: The thought that you might be dreaming just before you empty your bladder. Thing number two: Not remembering if you told someone something important, but also being afraid to repeat yourself. Thing number three: Approaching someone to tell them something important but instead peeing on them because you think you’re in a dream but you’re not. If you disagree with anything we’ve Taken Credit For Now, then one of these three things will happen to you soon. Not the first two. Good luck on the job hunt.
Gabrielle Pipedew has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, her nemesis will suffer an unfortunate and life-ruining event. Gabrielle has selected her ex-boyfriend Thompson Hook as the target. The Wheel of Misery spun and spun before finally arriving at Really Into Butt Stuff. Now, I don’t know what ended things between Gabrielle and Thompson, or if this sentence is in any way ironic, but from now on, Thompson will be really, really into butt stuff. But Corin! you begin to argue, how will that ruin a life? Lots of people are really into butt stuff. Well, shareholders, this isn’t your garden variety lust. This is an insatiable hunger. If Thompson doesn’t get way out ahead of this, he may find himself in a difficult situation. Every relationship, every new partner, he will try to get what he so desperately desires. But, as we all know, no one likes being rushed into butt stuff. Thompson will likely scare away all of the available women in his life, and he may even end up with something life-threatening inserted into his own rectum. For good measure, Gabrielle Pipidew will like butt stuff less and not know why. Best of luck. Congratulations on the win.
And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Please remember to visit store.kakosindustries.com. At this time, I would not recommend that you attack the swarm of Bumble BAEs in any way or they may decide to kill you. They will leave of their own accord in good time. You may not have any sweet food left in your home at that time, but they will leave. Patience is a virtue. In this case, it is also a necessary survival skill. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, whose favorite prog rock group is Rush. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered not doing that thing you hate?