22 – Firework
in which Yule is recapped, a special guest discusses the New Year’s celebration, preparations are made for the Festival of Spiders in Your Hair, DarkMega Monaco “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing, and Corin escapes through the window.
What you are about to hear might take you on a journey far, far away to a place where you are the sole heir of a vast intergalactic mining company in the middle of a heated turf war. Those of you who succeed under these condition will have been effectively groomed for something very, very important. Keep your ear tuned to your subspace radiotator wrist watch.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholders’ announcements. At Kakos Industries, We help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Do you feel refreshed after the holidays, shareholders? I know that I do. It’s refreshing to know that we won’t have to do any of that again for a year. Now we can get back to some serious Evil. This is my favorite time of the year, when the year before us has so much potential, so much mystery. What will we accomplish by the end of the year? No one can know. Certainly, we can make some accurate predictions, but so much of what we do is throwing shit at the wall and hoping something sticks. That being said, I have made some New Year’s resolutions. Here goes. Number one. Do Evil Better. I bet you saw that one coming. We’re always looking to top ourselves, so that’s always our number one priority. Number two. Don’t get seduced by anyone with abnormal or superhuman capabilities. I know. I have my doubts as well. Number three. Improve Evil laugh. My grandfather had a laugh that would echo through the building, and I am told it would improve morale if I worked on one of my own. It’s a contractual thing, as it turns out. Number four. Make Melantha mine, merge the companies, and make some Evil babies. Oh yeah, sure, like all of your resolutions are going to happen. You know what, fuck New Year’s resolutions. Fuck them sideways with The Business. Let’s move on.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you on the hand-cranked emergency radio we delivered in a lavender paper bag through your incoming projectiles window. Did we scare you shareholders? Surely you’re used to the incoming projectiles, but receiving something with emergency written on it from us? That’s something that might startle. Well, as of right now, there’s no emergency, but there’s really no way we could have known that when we planned the radios. It could have just as easily been a disaster scenario today instead of our fairly normal circumstances. And I think all of you out there are wise enough to know that it’s when we’re not dealing with a massive, global crisis that we’re really at our most dangerous. So, make of that what you will.
How was your Yule, shareholders? Did you get a visit from KakoKrampus? Well, even if you did not, I am sure that the anticipation was quite exciting. I am told that KakoKrampus stockpiled quite a few children this year. As I understand it, we were able to prevent KakoKrampus from eating any of the children by giving her a number of prey animals to feast on throughout the longest night of the year. I will admit that there is not really a way to know if KakoKrampus ate any of the children en route to the facilities we’ve set up for her, but we’d like to think that we stayed away from that particular situation. At any rate, none of the children have mentioned any of their comrades being eaten, but they haven’t really said much of anything. The question is what we’re supposed to do with them now. There are some rules within Kakos Industries that limit, or perhaps suggest a limit of, what can be done with children. I’ll spare you the boring details there. We could return them to their families, yes, but with the skill KakoKrampus has in discerning Evil children from all of the rest, we’re fairly certain the families won’t want any of these particular children back. So for now, they are in the basement daycare holding facility. The good news is that we recently turned on the light down there, so they can see, but I am not certain if they have anything to do besides cry and complain. I have suggested that we should give them some toys, or perhaps some Evil tools that might teach them a useful Evil skill, but I am told that I don’t really know what I’m talking about when it comes to children and that I should leave this to the child rearing professionals in the Division of Youth Use. I will say that were I a more experienced executive, they would not talk to me that way, but I will defer to their expertise in this case. It may indeed be a waste of Evil raw potential to treat these children with the type of kindness you might an ordinary child.
I would like to talk about our New Year’s party last night, but before I do that, I think that we should get to our special guest in today’s broadcast. Shareholders, I believe you are familiar with Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, the President of Giant Ass Robots, a subsidiary of Giant Ass Things in General, one of our greatest clients. Giant Ass Robots was responsible for the fireworks show that we all experienced last night.
Corin: So, Dirk, let me start with this: What the fuck man?
Dirk: I don’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about, Corin.
Corin: The fireworks. What the fuck.
Dirk: There were fireworks!
Corin: Firework. There was a firework.
Dirk: But what a firework, right?
Corin: It was one, sad firework. Even the sparks that shot out from it seemed to droop and sulk away as they fell to the ground. I’ll repeat my question. What the fuck.
Dirk: I’m sorry, Corin! I know I fucked it up. I just… things have been so hard lately. You know how the holidays are, man.
Corin: Dirk, the holidays are hard on everyone and we still manage to get our shit together enough to make them happen. Last night… barely happened. It wasn’t even a Giant Ass firework.
Dirk: You’re right. It wasn’t even lit by a giant robot. It was lit by me, in a drunken stupor, in my underwear, drinking dark mega scotch from the bottle, and singing the songs of my people. I failed you, Corin.
Corin: That’s right. And you know what we normally do with failures.
Corin: Well, that’s not going to happen today because, oddly enough, everyone thought the single sad firework was kind of a thing that we would do, and further that the single sad firework somehow highlighted how dark and empty the sky was. But I’m worried about you, man. What’s going on?
Dirk: It’s… it’s nothing.
Corin: Obviously not. Is this still about Ass Maximus?
Dirk: No… it’s not about Ass Maximus. I… I got a new dog, Corin. His name is Gluteus, and he’s just the preciousest, cutest, adorablest thing. You can’t even imagine without seeing this puppy, Corin.
Corin: But you don’t sound particularly happy about that now.
Dirk: Well… It’s a long story, Corin. I don’t really want to get into it right now.
Corin: We’ve got plenty of time. The holidays took a toll on our productivity here.
Dirk: It’s Apple-Bottom-ler, Corin.
Corin: Apple-Bottom-ler… Oh, you mean your giant butler robot?
Dirk: Well… I made one normal size so it could fit in my house and help me with things.
Corin: Dirk, you know that normal sized robots never work out for you.
Dirk: Well, yeah, but, I mean, what was the worst that could happen?
Corin: What went wrong?
Dirk: Well, I was busy, you see, so I asked Apple-Bottom-ler to play with Gluteus. You know, just throwing the ball. He loves to play ball, Corin. He just… doesn’t love me anymore.
Corin: That doesn’t make sense, Dirk.
Dirk: It’s Apple-Bottom-ler… he’s just too good. He took my dog, Corin. He took Gluteus.
Corin: He left?
Dirk: No… It’s a metaphor, Corin. He’s still in my house. Gluteus just… ignores me. I lost him, Corin! I lost Gluteus, metaphorically!
Corin: I’m sorry, Dirk. Losing a beloved animal is hard.
Dirk: That’s not all, Corin.
Corin: There’s more?
Dirk: It’s my girls, Corin. My wives.
Corin: I don’t like where this is going, Dirk. I know how you love Esmeralda and Raquel. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more dedicated husband.
Dirk: I was busy…
Corin: What were you doing, Dirk?
Dirk: I was playing Panic Attack 3: I think I’m Dying on my Demonicon 3 console, okay! I was playing videogames! I was shooting teenagers on the other side of the planet! Is that what you want to hear!
Corin: Alright, calm down. Just tell me what happened.
Dirk: My wives… they… needed me, Corin. They needed what I can do but they cannot.
Corin: I think I see where this is going, Dirk.
Dirk: Apple-Bottom-ler took care of them, Corin! Apple-Bottom-ler did exactly what I told him to do, Corin!
Corin: I’m… I’m sorry.
Dirk: I should have known better, Corin. They always say that “Once you go robo, you don’t gogo back to human or bonobo.” I knew this, Corin, but I let it happen in my own house!
Corin: I don’t think that any rhyming phrase is going to doom your relationships, Dirk.
Dirk: You don’t understand, Corin! They can’t go back! He may be a normal sized robot, but I just couldn’t help myself, Corin. I gave him the Giant Ass Robots’ Giant Ass Dildo the Herbanger of Doom. I don’t even know why. I just did.
Corin: I see your dilemma, Dirk, but as you know relationships aren’t just sex. There’s talking and cuddling and being there for them when they need you.
Dirk: Apple-Bottom-ler is better than me at all of that! Why did I let that monster into my home, Corin?
Corin: That’s difficult. I’m sorry to hear that, Dirk.
Dirk: There’s still more!
Corin: What else can there be?
Dirk: I was… busy.
Corin: With Panic Attack 3.
Dirk: Sure… video games… and I asked Apple-Bottom-ler to fill up my gas tank.
Corin: Don’t tell me-
Dirk: It fucked my truck, Corin! It fucked my truck in the gas tank. It filled it right up… It hasn’t driven the same since. It’s… not the truck I once knew.
Corin: That’s ridiculous.
Dirk: It’s gone robo-native, Corin. There’s no bringing it back! Roanoke, Corin! Roanoke!
Corin: I’m so sorry, Dirk. Apple-Bottom-ler took your dog…
Dirk: It took my dog!
Corin: And your wives.
Dirk: The loves of my life!
Corin: And it broke down your truck.
Corin: and… your husband?
Dirk: Oh, he’s fine.
Corin: I want to help you out, Dirk. I know that I can’t replace anything you’ve lost… well, I mean I could replace them all, but it wouldn’t be the same, but maybe I could help you to do something else, like plan revenge. Have you considered just dismantling Apple-Bottom-ler?
Dirk: That’s just it, Corin! It would help me to dismantle itself. And dismantling it would leave such a hole in the lives of the women and dog that I love. Such a hole. A big hole.
Corin: Hmmm… This is going to be a little bit more complicated then. Is there anything that the Apple-Bottom-ler loves that you could maybe put your, um, your her- herbanger in?
Dirk: It doesn’t get jealous, Corin. You can’t make Apple-Bottom-ler mad. It’s just too damn helpful.
Corin: Well, then, I hate to say it, but I think the best thing to do might just be to talk with your loved ones and maybe consider deactivating Apple-Bottom-ler. Or at least removing the herbanger.
Dirk: I don’t know, the Herbanger of Doom is kind of an integral design component, Corin.
Corin: Um, why?
Dirk: I don’t know, Corin! Did Mozart know why he used certain notes? Did Frank Lloyd Wright know why he used certain shapes? Did Pablo Picasso know why he drew the front and sides of faces? Did Maya Angelou know why the caged bird sang? DId Chinua Achebe know why things fell apart? Did Einstein know what “c” meant?
Corin: I think they did, yeah.
Dirk: Well, I know that if a man loses his penis he disintegrates, Corin. Disintegrates!
Corin: I’m not sure that’s…
Dirk: Let’s not get off track here, Corin. I’m in pain! Even if I made one without a Herbanger of Doom, and SOMEHOW it held together with, I don’t know, MAGIC, Corin, then I still don’t know if they’d want me back, or if my dog would even want to play with me again.
Corin: What you’re dealing with, Dirk, is inadequacy.
Dirk: I know…
Corin: But you’re adequate. As your friend, I can tell you that you are adequate. More than adequate.
Dirk: But how can I know for sure?
Corin: Well, here’s a thought, Dirk. Why don’t you build a robot that you can scientifically test and measure your adequacy on?
Dirk: You mean like an Apple-Bottom-ler but… with parts that will test the limits of my virility and companionship?
Dirk: Well, I do have some plans for a Giant Ass Toothed Vagina, but the teeth are kind of an integral design component. And then it’s gigantic! How can I satisfy something I could live inside of, Corin?
Corin: Well, why don’t you make the… um… testing apparatus without teeth and normal sized, but maybe make something else giant ass.
Dirk: Like it’s feet?
Corin: Might I suggest a Giant Ass?
Dirk: IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME THE WHOLE TIME.
Corin: And it should monitor your adequacy somehow. You know, give you some feedback. Something that you can see or maybe hear…
Dirk: Oh, you mean moaning. I got it, Corin. It’s just the thing to get me out of this funk. You want me to build a Giant Assed fuckbot, sort of like the one you had me make for one of your clients that looked just like you.
Corin: Wha- which client was that? I don’t remember…
Dirk: There’s no time to speak of that now! Inspiration has struck! I must be on my way to my garage!
Corin: Watch out for Grace Rule on your way out of the building or she might try to scratch a Mark of Failure into your skin.
Dirk: She will never see me, Corin. I’m a blur of inspiration! Goodbye!
(A door opens and closes)
Well shareholders, this has certainly been an unconventional broadcast, but it’s important for me to show you how we improve upon Evil. Anyway, coming up we have the Festival of Spiders in your Hair. Not sure how to celebrate? Don’t worry about that. We’ve taken care of it.
This week we’re taking credit for unwanted body hair, folds, and photoshopped models. If you happen to disagree with the idea that we are responsible for those particular things, then go ahead and tell everyone who will listen. They’ll never fucking believe you, and then you’ll be the crazy one.
Shareholders, do you remember when the Wheel of Misery decided that the Damnation and Ruination Squad would have to wear bizarre costumes? Well, I feel inclined to tell you that today they are running around dressed as cows. That is somewhat good news because of what I am about to tell you. It would seem that the country of DarkMega Monaco has won the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. In a surprising twist, the country of DarkMega Monaco has selected DarkMega Liechtenstein as the target of their newly granted life-ruining powers. The wheel of misery spun for quite a while. If you’re one to anthropomorphise spinning wheels, then perhaps it was spending some time considering how to ruin the life of a country. Mind you, ruining the life of the country is not the same as ruining the lives of the inhabitants. It finally arrived at the simple decisions “Cheesier”. From now on, DarkMega Liechtenstein will be cheesier. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but the team of able-bodied cows are working their udders off. For good measure, DarkMega Monaco will now be slightly heavier.
And this brings us to the end of the broadcast. But what about the news from the various divisions, you might be asking. Well, I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that they were seriously slacking off for the holidays. I’m kind of ashamed. I’ll be honest, I have to sneak out of the building to avoid being branded by Grace Rule myself, but with the added bonus of having to sneak back into the building, and then out again each day of the next week. If you can avoid her for a whole week, then it cancels it out. I usually have some elephant tranquilizers handy, but it appears that I am out. I can see her looking at me through the glass in the door to the studio here, so I guess I’ll be leaving through the window. Anyway, here are the numbers. If you happen to find a pattern, be sure to rearrange them to eliminate it. Or just don’t listen.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently training to be a magical girl. Special guest appearance in this episode by Anwar Newton. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered bathing? You filthy, filthy shareholder.