In which we cannot remember exactly what happened last night, you get some travel advice, and William Buchstaber “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

RYAN: What you are about to hear is everything you need it to be, but nothing you want it to be.

CORIN: Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and even people who aren’t our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO. Happy New Year, shareholders! New Year’s Day is always just another day, but it is also a reminder to all of us that we are beginning anew and recreating ourselves all of the time. I hope that the new year finds you well and ready to be your evilest. 

Last time, you may recall that I was able to meet with Tabitha Prime, and she was able to run some tests to determine a few things about me. I can’t say I knew exactly what was going to happen there, or what tests she was running, but it seems that there have been a number of open questions about me for more people than just me at Kakos Industries. Of course, someone must know the answers. Getting them to tell me will be the trick. Based on the new evidence we have, I’ve had to shift some of my personal investigations. I will keep you posted as I learn more. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from what we’re calling a Player Ukulele. You may have heard of a player piano before, a piano that uses certain methods of programming playback from it, whether that be a computer or a piano roll or whatever else. Well, this is a player ukulele. It is able to use a program to reproduce sounds on its strings. There are a series of computer actuated picks that pluck the strings in time. Ordinarily, you would use this to play back simple ukulele melodies and things of that nature, but our Division of Ukes and Melinda’s Fine Leles discovered that when we send this device much more complicated information, using math and FM synthesis, we are able to recreate nearly any waveform, albeit with some junk frequencies usually above the range of human hearing. Were this an analog electronic signal, we would just filter those frequencies out, but seeing as these are physical waves moving through the air, we will simply have to rely on the noise being quiet enough so as not to give you a headache. A little bit of a headache is okay. We are Evil after all. I should mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you aren’t a shareholder, then those high end junk frequencies are about to become a serious problem. I would move away from the ukulele as fast as possible. 

We recently had our Yule celebration, where we try to salvage and emphasize the more strange, bizarre, and Evil winter celebrations. What this amounts to usually is me being dressed as the Krampus monster and doling out punishments that I wish more of you didn’t enjoy as much as you do. I’m not sure exactly when this became mandatory for the Kakos CEO, but it predates me by some amount of time. On the one hand, I like the one-on-one nature of it. There are some of you that I only keep up with in this way. I get a year’s worth of updates within the span of a few thwacks from a bundle of thorny sticks. When I think back on it, those are the moments I treasure the most from this festival. The catching up. Not the thwacking with the sticks. Then there’s always food and drink and a party in the snow on the snowy lawn. It’s really everything you want from a holiday party. Especially if what you want is to be spanked by a Krampus monster. 

We also recently had the Questival, the festival where you get to pick what it is, but you almost always pick something that rhymes with “festival”. We had a number of paid actors in the building to hand out quests and check on progress throughout. One variety of quest had you visiting several different offices around the building to collect badges. The idea here was that you were collecting highly important sigils to decode a message. I am told that quite a few people had fun with that one. There was also an obstacle course with prizes at the end of it if you could prove that you were physically resilient enough. People have described the obstacle course as “far too difficult” and “I am literally covered in bruises.” Despite all of the effort we put into these main quests, I am told that the most popular quests that were given out were “go over there and talk with your friends and maybe have a drink” and “You two over there, kiss each other.” Now, neither of these were part of the official program, but I understand that they went over very well despite that. The actors giving out those commands were fired and will not be returning all the same.

Last night we had our New Year’s eve celebration. New Year’s is often one of the biggest celebrations of the year no matter who or where you are, which means that we at Kakos Industries cannot be outdone. The issue at the moment seems to be that we went so hard that not a single person can remember exactly what happened. Not even the sober ones. There is plenty of evidence, though. For example, there are hundreds of inflatable unicorns around the building. The Division of Dionysia claims that they had nothing to do with that. It’s nowhere in their notes. One of the swimming pools is just full of human blood. Liters and liters of human blood. An amount of human blood that we at Kakos Industries are even a little squeamish about. You would need to fill out so much paperwork to get that much human blood and you’d really have to justify why you needed it. It also appears to be many, many people’s blood. I suppose that’s obvious based on the volume alone. But even then, it seems to be from so many people that we’re beginning to wonder if everyone at the party gave at least a few drops. Then there’s the scratches. A lot of us seem to have these mysterious scratches on our bodies. They are in the shape of symbols. We have no idea what those symbols are. We are researching to see if we can figure that out. Also, all of the doors on the ground floor of the building are missing. All of them. The front doors, the back doors, the office doors, the bathroom doors, the stall doors, all missing. There are too many places to hide things here at Kakos Industries for me to ever feel confident that we will figure out what happened to them. That will be for a later CEO. That CEO will likely be doing announcements just like these, but then wondering where the hell all these doors came from in storage 93-C, or something like that. I assume that’s how things will work. There were also a lot of people who woke up this morning naked in the snow holding hands in a big circle. In between them were more strange symbols carved in the snow. We’re really not sure what that was about either. There is a lot of speculation going on. Certainly, if you have any information, shareholders, please get in touch. We’re really scratching our heads over here. Like, there’s nothing particularly dangerous that we don’t know, and it seems like everyone survived the night. There’s just a lot of questions. 

Coming up we have the Festival of Darkness. This year, to ensure total darkness, we have developed a completely opaque liquid that we can dip all of you into with only an air tube to supply needed oxygen. You will not be able to see a thing in that liquid, and it’s recommended that you keep your eyes closed anyway. The viscosity of the liquid will also make it hard to hear anything, and I am told that we will be able to match your body temperature so well that you may lose track of your own body. This will allow you to explore the darkness, to welcome it in, and to get to know it in brand new ways. Before you ask, there will not be any scary monsters in the liquid. Well, other than all of you.

We also have the Festival of Genes coming up. Every year, we use this festival as an opportunity to change the genetic code you were given at birth. Or change the genetic code that you were given at the last festival of genes. This year, we have a gene construct that the scientists claim will make you more aquatic. I don’t have much more information than that, but I know that some of you are on board already. We also have a construct that will make your eyes a lot creepier. I don’t know what that means either, but I am looking forward to seeing it all the same. We also have a couple of mystery vials for those of you who are just so tired of yourselves that anything different would be a pleasant surprise. It is possible that these constructs have something to do with other projects we have going on around the building. At Kakos Industries, you never have to wait until you’re dead to donate your body to science.

I’ve gotten an update here on what happened last night at the New Year’s Eve party. It’s not any answers, though. It just says here that they found a bucket of bloody teeth. The bucket has a smiling face painted on it. The face is missing a tooth. I…. I seem to have all of my teeth. Shareholders, are you missing any teeth? They seem fairly certain that they are human. All molars. I am also told that the bucket of teeth is sitting on an altar with more strange symbols around it. Shareholders, I feel the need to remind you that there is likely very little to worry about here. As much as we encourage all of you to enjoy your various rituals, they aren’t exactly the most effective thing. If we could summon actual demons, we wouldn’t spend so much time making monsters, you know? It’s not like we haven’t tried. Guides to demon summoning, witch hunting texts, documents from religions from everywhere we could find them. We tried them. I would hazard to say we tried them all. I really wish that they did something. It would make the rest of our job much simpler. It is unlikely that anything we did last night resulted in anything occult happening. 

It’s now time for the segment where we answer some of your questions. Today’s question is “Hi, I’m planning a trip to visit Kakos Industries. Is there anything I shouldn’t miss, and anything I should avoid at all costs?” So obviously the answer to the second question is far more things than I can list right now. Just be careful, I guess. And also lucky. You’ll need to be lucky, especially if you’ve never been here before. As for things you shouldn’t miss, we do have a lovely hotel currently on floor 37 with all of the luxuries you can imagine, and maybe even a few more. You wouldn’t really need to leave the hotel, and that might be the smartest route. You’re far less likely to get into trouble that way. We also have the many lawns here at Kakos Industries, most of which are great for a leisurely stroll. Some are great for running through in a panic if you find that you need the added motivation to do your exercise. Others should be avoided entirely, but there’s usually a sign. And if there isn’t a sign, then there is possibly already a corpse of one kind or another to serve as a similar warning. We do have some entertainment inside the building including our many employee lounges. They won’t look too closely at whether or not you are an employee and your money spends just the same. A little bit easier, in some cases. We also have the basement theater, where the smaller productions go on, and the rooftop club, which may or may not be on the roof at any given moment. For larger events we do have the Kakos Amphitheater Lawn, which is mostly amphitheater. There’s also the Division of Exhibitionism. They would really love for you to come look at them. You may see some things you didn’t want to. Well, that’s almost a guarantee. But it’s not about you, is it? Oh, and if you’re a spy, the nanobots will burrow in through your ear and liquify your brain. So don’t be a spy. 

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. Last time, I mentioned that they pretty much unanimously decided that the standard for their Satisficer sex toy that is supposed to be able to please everyone everywhere no matter what they’re into should be Xylathee the Malignatrix, an original character developed by one of the team members for a roleplay of some sort. I’m still puzzled at how they were able to build consensus around that, but as I mentioned previously, they did all agree, and the character is a perfectly reasonable place to start when designing a sex toy that will meet a lot of different tastes and needs. So, now they’re trying to make the Satisficer do all of those specific things. For example, Xylathee has arms, legs, and tentacles, as well as a variety of orifices where those limbs intersect. I am unsure just how many limbs there are. The various drawings are inconsistent at best. They also had a moment where they decided that the Thing that is Most Sex would be sex with Xylathee, a creature that doesn’t exist. You may recall this is a question they have been trying to answer unsuccessfully for some time. They seem to think they’re solving two problems at once. It seems a little misguided. I would not have thought that the rogue team that ran away who were bent on making a sex toy that can literally please everyone at once would have the more sensible employees on it. That rogue team is still missing, by the way, but there have been rumors of haunting, terrifying sounds of ecstasy coming from various basements around Kakos Industries. The Cult of Ohh Ahh, even with their recent leadership shakeup, has been quiet, though there are rumors they are expecting “The Second Coming.” I’ll let that sit for a second.

I have some somewhat concerning news from our Hell Labor camp, that labor camp we built where hell really should have been. Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, recently took a greater interest in the new spiritual movement that is starting to develop among the laborers. We’re somewhat concerned about this spiritual movement because the Hell labor camp is supposed to be miserable and being able to find spiritual significance in the work isn’t really ideal for us. It should be meaningless and sad and painful. The cruelty is the point. Well, the concerning part of the story is that Meredith has been seemingly joining in with some of the chanting. She isn’t mining glowing stones like the others, but she’s taking part. She has also stopped responding to my queries, so she isn’t telling me anything about the significance of these events. The Division of Anthropology has been doing their best to figure out what the laborers, and now Meredith, are saying, but they haven’t made any progress. They have some guesses about which sounds correspond with a verb like To Be, but even that is eluding them. The thing is, they should have made more progress by now. Even just hearing the words over and over again should have given them a clue. Not so much. And now that Meredith is in on the action … This is concerning.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment has recently reenacted Yuckmaster versus Bluchster. Despite the names of the monsters, the battle was not the most disgusting we’ve seen, not by a long shot. Yuckmaster, as we all know, was a huge green blob with all kinds of weird bits in its bulk that seemed to be organized by a central consciousness, but they also acted independently when necessary. In contrast, Bluchster was a giant orange blob with organized but also independent bits floating in it. Both smelled awful. Thankfully they toned down the worst of the smell and appearance for the reenactment, but they did invent some new and exciting slimes to give the costumes the right appearance. Much like the original fight, the reenactment ended in a draw when a helicopter dropped a ton of wood chips on the monsters.

I have some news regarding the Matmos, that semi-sentient inky black goo that permeates the lower realms of the building. Clarissa and Hedera, my two liaisons to the Matmos, have been complaining to me recently that “The Wretch is Doing Something” and, whatever that something is, is something they don’t like. The wretch in this case is likely Kimmie, Kimmie being an employee here at Kakos… I assume. It’s been a while since she’s had a specific job here, but HR really likes her, so I doubt they’ve stopped the checks. They tell me that she brings a certain je ne sais quoi to the business. A certain unpredictability. Unquantifiable returns. She’s a wild card. She’s also been missing for a while, and we now think she may be interfering with the matmos. I was able to avert some sort of crisis regarding the matmos by removing what the matmos called The Donut from deep within it, but I was unable to completely solve all of the political issues going on. There are multiple pools of Matmos, and based on its size and way of thinking, different ends of the same pool can have different thoughts. It was a loose thread that I had to drop to get back to my other duties as CEO. It’s possible that something unusual is happening, but I am unsure what as of right now.

Speaking of The Donut, I am told that researchers were able to ask it a question and get an answer by applying an electrical current to it. That seemed to speed up its thought processes. They asked it “How is it being a donut?” and the donut replied “Dank.”

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened the guitar case that’s been up on the shelf for a long time. It turns out instead of being full of guitar, it was full of mold.

I have news from The Division of Secret Societies. WInston Marple, our man on the inside of The Church of Diuretics used faith as a lever, and convinced everyone in the congregation that unless they pissed as much as they possibly could, then someone else in the group was actually a better member. They’re all dead now, including Winston Marple. He had a note on his body that said, “this was the only way I could know for sure that I would never piss again. Fuck you, Winston.” As there are no remaining members in the organization, there is no longer an organization to take over. Their assets have been liquidated. Poor choice of words. I am told we are looking into some new and exciting secret societies to try to destroy or take over from within. One of them, I am told, has to do with beauty pageants. 

I have another update about the New Year’s Eve party. Hopefully, this will cast some light on what happened to all of us last night. Nope, never mind, it’s just another mystery. The note I have here says, “ask the shareholders if they know why we just had to remove 173 car keys from inside of Jamie Vickle.” Apparently Jamie didn’t even realize the keys were there until failing to pass through a metal detector earlier. The car keys were evidently surgically implanted and the scar is in the shape of yet another haunting symbol. We have no idea what this means.  If you’re missing a car key, though, you might want to get in touch. Or maybe just have it replaced. 

It’s time for today’s Employee Spotlight. Today, we are honoring Timberly Jacksonian O’Fukkerton from the Division of Electricity. Our electrical torture devices were getting a little weak and Timberly gave them a serious upgrade. I am told that this process involves working with live electricity, and Timberly was shocked unconscious several times, but this is noble work in need of doing. Thank you for all that you have done to make our torture devices better. 

They say that Evil once built a tower to show the unity of all mankind. It didn’t end well. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for cotton candy, funnel cake, and the dawning realization that you don’t actually know what’s smart for you. Obviously, we can’t know for sure that we are responsible for any of these things. Except funnel cake. We have the receipts, the receipts being mainly for baking powder. We are strongly suggesting that we are responsible for the other two things, and you had better listen to us if you think you might actually kind of know what’s smart for you at least some of the time. 

William Buchstaber (Buck – Stay – Brr) has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of William’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Lazarus Winter (laa-za-rus winter). We gave the wheel of Misery a tepid spin and it landed on the space for Emotive. From this day forward, Lazarus Winter will be 65% more emotive, which is just kind of a problem, isn’t it? Like, we all try to keep it in, but sometimes it just gets out. That’s going to happen a lot more for Lazarus Winter. For Evil measure, William Buchstaber will be 18% less emotive, which is its own kind of problem, isn’t it?

Speaking of the Wheel of Misery, The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team tasked with making the Wheel’s dictates come true, are currently going around the building wearing raw chicken skin. We have needed a team to follow them around disinfecting all of the surfaces they touch. We may need to replace some carpeting. I hope that this particular garment choice will be short lived.

I have an update about New Year’s eve. I am told that they just found all of the doors in a room with a sign on it reading Storage 93-C. I am told that that storage room did not exist two days ago. Let’s try not to think too much about that, shareholders. Sometimes it is better to appreciate an interesting mystery without needing it completely solved. It’s healthier, anyway.

This brings us to the end of the announcements. You will need to destroy that player ukulele entirely. Crush it under foot, and burn what remains. I am sorry that I do not have more information about what happened to all of us last night. I will update you next time if we learn anything. It may just be that we need to let this one go.The numbers are next.

55

55

65

75

55

85

75

65

55

85

95

105

5

5

5

5

Oh, I just got another update from the investigation team about New Year’s. Oh, wow. Apparently, they’ve solved the whole thing. They know exactly what happened and why. They are not going to tell us, though. They say that it’s really, really, really better that we do not know. Sometimes, you just have to take their word for it. We’ll get those doors reinstalled.

RYAN: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions and credits are read by Ryan L Jenkins, an electrifying powerhouse of unheard of proportions. 

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CONRAD: Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Kristina Kirkland and Bryan Slizard Becker. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who was exploded, but is recovering nicely. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has switched from zen spirals to straight lines along the edge of the sandscape.. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has acquired a calculator wristwatch that only tells you how much time you have left. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has made headphones mandatory in certain hallways, preventing awkward employee conversations, saving roughly seven minutes daily..  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed It’s-a Spag Bol. “It is definitely not spaghetti bolognese, but what it is is perhaps a more intriguing mystery. 16/19”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Great Balls of Food”. You can make any dish into a ball if you try hard enough.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by sending around a company-wide memorandum talking about interesting new uses for artificial intelligence. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. They’ve discovered a new genre of ambient music that uses subtle dissonance to make everything seem so much worse. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that can repair other cards if they get bent or torn. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked two manatees. Onlookers said that wasn’t very many, but the Division responded by saying “you try it.”. The Division of Must See Train Trips, directed by Nishant and Coninika Guha-Jana has been scheduling a trip up Horror Mountain. It used to be called Normal Mountain until we let all of the horrors loose. The Division of Stone Watching, directed by An Angry Moth, has just confirmed for us that, indeed, the stones have not moved. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap inside the tunnel monster. It’s like a monster and a tunnel, and it’s warm and cozy in there. It hasn’t ever eaten anyone. That we know of. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

RYAN: Doing Evil can take a lot out of you. Go move your body through a nature space.