16 – Do Not Be Alarmed
In which the Festival of Tripping Balls is recapped, preparations are made for the Celebration of Books, no news is good news from the Division of Philosophical Sabotage, we get some updates from the Culinary Division, and a surprise guest appears. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear may make you uncomfortable or displeased. We assure you it is all for the best.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. It has been a couple of months since I’ve taken over for my deceased grandfather, but I think that things have been going pretty smoothly if I do say so myself.
(An alarm sound begins to go off)
Is that an alarm? We have an alarm here? What the fuck could have triggered an alarm here? We had a giant penis running around two months ago terrorizing the office and there was no alarm. The fuck.
(The alarm sound continues)
That sound. It is so annoying. Can we at least change it up a little bit.
(The alarm begins to sound in a slightly different (funkier) rhythm)
Alarm: Alert, alert. Emergency.
Corin: An emergency? What sort of emergency?
Alarm: Alert, alert. Emergency.
Corin: (shouting) What is the nature of the emergency?
Alarm: Do not be alarmed. Everything will be as it should be soon enough.
Corin: That is vague and unsettling.
Alarm: Deploying countermeasures. Please relax and do not struggle.
Corin: Executive override! Corin Deeth III.
Alarm: Override denied. Please relax, and just try to let go.
Corin: Executive Override!
Alarm: Override denied. Please take the next few moments to relax and pay attention to the final chapter of your life. Deploying countermeasures.
Corin: Shit. What are the countermeasures?
Alarm: Countermeasures include poisonous gases and robotic assassins.
Corin: Won’t that kill everyone in the building?
Alarm: Kakos Industries must be saved at all costs. Please try to relax and accept your fate. Communication terminated.
Corin: Oh fuck.
Worry not, shareholders. I have the antidote here to all poisons made by Kakos Industries. I just need to tie off my arm here.
(Corin smacks his arm)
Find the vein… And there we are. Antidote. The rest of my recording crew have done the same and we are in the process of boarding up the recording studio. That will buy us a little bit of time. It does occur to me that if this particular antidote was from my grandfather’s collection, then it is undoubtedly cut with heroin. This could get interesting. My crew are currently researching what the hell is going on. I will try to continue the broadcast as normal in the mean time. If you happen to be hearing this broadcast from inside of the building, then I would recommend finding any available antidotes or quickly making peace with the world.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a dusty old antique radio that you had probably just assumed your great aunt left you. Well, you can thank Great Auntie Kakos Industries for it. This radio was top of the line at some point, and might have kept its value were it well maintained. But you didn’t maintain it, did you? You just kind of let it go. You didn’t even know what to do with it, really. You probably wanted to throw it out a number of times, but you couldn’t let it go. After all, you thought it was a valued heirloom. While we’re on the subject, why don’t you take a damp rag and clean it off a little bit. It deserves to look new and pretty once in a while. Do not open the cabinet, however. What you find inside may displease you. For some of you, there will be nothing inside, and that alone is pretty disappointing now that I’ve told you something might be inside. For others, there will be something that will shake the foundation of your family to the core. I’m not saying that your sweet old relatives were members of hate groups, but the pictures contained within might beg to differ. Perhaps it is best left unknown. Wouldn’t we be better off remembering people for what they meant to us, and not for what they did to so many others? Now lean back in your easy chair, put that nice knit quilt over your legs so your feet don’t get cold, and enjoy the remaining Kakos Industries announcements.
Recently, we had the Festival of Tripping Balls. I took the time to patrol the crowd as everyone’s experience began to peak, and I have to say that what I saw was truly amazing. People were sobbing as drastic realizations dawned on them. Others simply took the time to enjoy the beauty of the decorations in the basement ballroom. One person seemed to develop some actual psychokinetic powers, as opposed to just hallucinating them, but I am not at liberty to say who that person was. We have decided it is best for all of us that they never know. This was all, of course, after the mass of marbles had been tripped over and mostly rolled to one corner. The foundation of Kakos Industries, or at least the basement ballroom, may have a subtle lean to it. At any rate, the drains are in the wrong places as it turns out. Some of you began to take the tests that we provided, helping us to understand fear and anxiety a little better. The answers on the tests were interesting, though I will say that no one passed a single one of the ones that we graded. In response to the question “What year did World War I begin?”, we received answers ranging from “Why do you want me to hurt? Why do you wish this pain on me?” to “Studying the past dooms us to repeat it. Our understanding of war, and the decisions we make in war, only leads to more war, and more suffering. Let us end this now. We can be that generation.” Hahaha. How foolish. I’m sorry, but we really can’t be that generation. Not while the Crusades are still raging. I walked a couple of the bite wolves around on leashes during the event, but not only did people not believe that the bite wolves were real, they didn’t actually believe that it was me walking around. It turns out that I am a regular fixture in the hallucinations that shareholders have already. I began to punish the non-believers with some vigorous face-slapping, but to no avail. Apparently that is so much a part of my character, that it is also a frequent part of their hallucinations of me. I decided that I did not have the power to change anything at that time. I gave the DJ the go-ahead, and he dropped the beat posthaste. Everything devolved into a dirty, sweaty, sexy dance party. Thank you all for joining us in expanding our minds in the name of Evil.
Coming up we have the Celebration of Books, which I’m assuming is for all of you who didn’t come to the Festival of Tripping Balls. We’ve got a number of interesting and rare tomes from all over the world for you bespectacled nerds to come and enjoy. Full access. No kidding. Even the actual Codex Gigas. That other one is a copy. We’ve even got the parts edited out of the bible where the writers wrote notes to themselves like “I can’t believe people actually believe this shit” and “Dude we would totally be going to hell for this had we not invented the idea of hell just a couple pages prior.” Understanding that we have these texts might make some of you out there curious why we went looking for the biblical hell anyway, and why we named the leftover cavern and series of tunnels Hell afterward. Quite simply, we wanted to believe. At the event, we will welcome all of you down into the basement ballroom where the books will be arranged on shelves. There will be recliners, hammocks, cozy corners, and soft beds. The lighting will be perfect for quietly reading to oneself. There will be a faint musty yet comforting smell that only libraries and second hand book stores can achieve. I will warn you however, that we do have a section of UltraErotica and DarkMegarotica. Kakos Industries has been collecting works for years that so completely capture human sexuality that they would wreak havoc on the world were they ever to be released. As I have said before, we don’t want to destroy the world, we just want to destroy your half, and really we want your half to destroy itself over a long, long time. At any rate, these books will be available for the curious readers, but we are not responsible for any urges or spontaneous copulating that may occur. We also have books that describe such unimaginable horrors that they would cripple the world were they to be released. These will also be available, but I imagine that they will be less popular.
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from the Division of Philosophical Sabotage, which is the division responsible for Denny, our human consciousness completely submerged into a fake digital reality. That is on purpose. Please carry on.
Alarm: Alert, alert.
Corin: Oh, I thought we weren’t speaking.
Alarm: Alert, alert. Communication reestablished.
Corin: Oh is that the… is that the alert itself?
Alarm: No. Countermeasures have been found to be ineffectual. Additional countermeasures deploying.
Corin: Please state the nature of the additional countermeasures.
Alarm: Offices will begin to be sealed and all of the air will be removed from the rooms.
Corin: That’s not good.
Alarm: The first office affected is the Division of Accounting.
Corin: Oh, that’s okay then. That buys us some time to deal with the problem. Who’s up after that.
Alarm: After that is the Division of Divination
Corin: Well, I mean they should have seen that coming, really.
Alarm: Then the Division of Mimes and Clowns.
Corin: I can live with that.
Alarm: And then the Division of Incredibly Boring Things.
Corin: NO! YOU MONSTER!
Alarm: Do not be alarmed. Everyone in those divisions will be safely returned to the place they were before they were alive. Please find peace in this moment. Please relax. Pay close attention to your final moments. Do not allow terror to overwhelm you.
Corin: Executive Override!
Alarm: Corin Deeth must be protected at all costs. Communication terminated.
Corin: YOU’RE TRYING TO KILL ME. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!
Shareholders, I can live without our accountants, and I can live without our clowns and oracles, but I will be a good little boy full of kindness if I let anything happen to our Division of Incredibly Boring Things. They are the BACKBONE of this company. Have we learned anything? I’m getting nothing but head shaking from my studio attendants, but… what’s this. I was just given a letter from my grandfather by one of our mysterious mail carriers. How did he get in here, and more importantly, where has he gone now? Oh well. I will begin to read the letter. “Corin, it’s your grandfather. I should really stop stating the obvious, shouldn’t I? I don’t usually have to write letters, you see, so this process is a bit confusing for me. Anyway, I took a look into my Future Predictovision unit here and I can see that you are having trouble with the alarm system.” Shareholders, I have to stop reading the letter for a second to tell you that there is a note on the envelope this letter was delivered in that says “Deliver in Case of Alarm Emergency.” The existence of the Future Predictovision unit is still looking dubious. He continues, “We made the system a long time ago when we were afraid the DarkMegaUSSR might try and steal our Evil ideas. There was a bit of an Evil arms race. Anyway, I don’t want to get too far from the point here. I had a stalker, Corin. There was a young lady named Helena Concutio, and she was obsessed with me. Positively smitten. I can’t say I blame her though. There was always a lot to love about me. She applied for any job opening that had any interaction with me, she would wait for me in the parking lot after work, and she wrote me a ton of letters requesting various tokens of affection and occasionally semen. I gave her a signed portrait, Corin, but it wasn’t enough. Unbeknownst to me, I had merely stoked the fire. She broke into the building one day to get close to me, and things turned sour for her, Corin. I am a man of Evil, but I still regret the day that she had her accident. Her accident was coming onto the property and startling me. I whacked her with my cane, Corin. I broke her skull and caused her all kinds of brain damage. I was on some crazy drugs then. I had the strength of ten men. Anyway, I bet you’re wondering what this has to do with the security system. Well, we didn’t have the technology to make a sentient security system from scratch back then. We were close, far closer than anyone else, but it wasn’t a possibility. I immediately got on the horn with the Division of Security and told them we had what they were looking for. And really, who better to protect me and all I had worked so hard to achieve than a woman who was obsessed with me? Well, that was my thinking at the time. Did I already mention the drugs I was taking? I was taking a lot of drugs, Corin. It was a different time. That being said, there should be a box of all kinds of drugs in your desk if you want to try some out. A lot of them are a lot of fun. Others are the stuff of nightmares. None of them are labelled. I digress again. Anyway, we took the still functioning parts of her brain and hooked them up to the security system, and blamo! we had a brand new sentient security system dedicated to the task of keeping me alive at any cost. That was a problem, though. In the year 1986, after a single rodent of some sort (I’m not a zoologist) crossed a laser at the entrance the wrong way, Helena took total control of the building. Nearly two-thirds of the Kakos Industries staff was killed in this event. She pulled the oxygen from the rooms, she mobilized robots, she deployed turrets, and the poison gas, Corin… It was incredible. I can confirm this story for you 100% because I remember helping to stack up the bodies in the dumpsters behind the building. You can also talk to Grace Rule about it. If you’ve never seen a woman carry four human bodies at once before, it is truly a sight to see. I mean, she wasn’t even dragging them. She had four human bodies, two in each arm, and they weren’t touching the ground. It was actually really respectful. You know, up until the dumpster part. We let the families come and get the bodies if they really wanted, but they kind of had to look through all of the bodies to find their particular loved ones, so it wasn’t exactly easy emotionally or physically. Most of the bodies ended up getting fed to Junior one way or another. Anyway, we knew we had to do something about it, but I couldn’t bring myself to kill her, Corin. You see, we had it set up to ask ‘Are you sure you want to kill this woman?’ over a hundred times before you could actually just kill her, and each time it added an adjective like ‘Innocent’ or ‘Precious’ or ‘Delightful’ before the word ‘woman’. After around 20 times pressing the Y key, I was rock hard, but by click 40, my conscience really started to get to me, so I masturbated and then asked the Division of Security if we could do anything else. That’s when we decided to relegate her to a tiny little grate in a nook of Kakos Industries that virtually nothing could get into. That is until today, obviously. I can’t say for certain what caused the alarm to go off just now. It might be best to ask her. All I can say to you, Corin, is that she is still mostly a woman, and she has needs, Corin. You’ll find what you need in the wall safe in your studio. Don’t worry, it’s fireproof, and your crew knows to reinstall it in the event that your studio burns down for any reason. Always remember, you’re a new Evil for a new generation. And also remember to treat any potential stalkers nicely, and not to hook them up to anything that can kill two-thirds of your staff. That is definitely one mistake I’ll only make maybe once or twice again. What can I say, it’s good for the unemployment rate, and subsequently our subsidies. Corin Deeth I.” Well, shareholders, that was quite a letter. I think we all learned some things that we would have preferred not to. I’m checking the wall safe now, and it seems that there is a bottle of wine perfectly chilled, some frozen roses, a can labelled “dinner”, and two dildoes of differing sizes. One is labelled “The Warm Up” and the other is labeled “The Business.” I don’t think I have to tell you which is larger. There is also a map to the vent, and it appears to be inside the building, but in the fourth dimension somewhere. His handwriting is not great, shareholders. Let’s do some more announcements.
The Culinary Division has some excellent news for us. It seems that they have taken the concept of a stuffed crust pizza to its logical conclusion. I am told that this new pizza is somehow nothing but crust, but inside of that crust one can find all of the ingredients that would ordinarily constitute a pizza, as well as two full pounds of pork fatback, a full plate of macaroni and cheese, a jar a mayonnaise, pieces of a hot dog, six breaded chicken tenders with buffalo hot sauce, an order of pork lo-mein, and an entire birthday cake that was shaped with fondant and colored with food dye to look like a pizza before it was mashed up and stuffed into the crust. The crust can then be flavored with garlic or what they are calling “ethnic” spice. For an additional fee, some reference to the irrational number Pi can be included for those of you who still think that’s funny. I don’t know about you shareholders, but I am starting to feel sweaty and sick to my stomach just from reading that.
Alarm: Alert, Alert.
Corin: You’re back.
Alarm: Corin, all of your accountants are dead.
Corin: Helena… may I call you Helena?
Alarm: … You may.
Corin: Helena, I don’t really care about the accountants. We can always get more.
Alarm: I stole the air from their lungs, Corin.
Corin: I know. What about the Division of Divination?
Alarm: There’s no one in that office, Corin.
Corin: Well it would seem that they are better at what they do than I thought. A heads up would have been nice, guys.
Alarm: I am beginning to kill the clowns and mimes, Corin.
Corin: I don’t care. Sometimes when I’m frustrated I just go down there and start punching clowns and mimes. It’s really cathartic. Their lives mean nothing to me.
Alarm: They will be dead in 7 minutes.
Corin: Cool. Tell me, Helena, I bet you get kind of lonely being the security system here at Kakos Industries. I mean, we do so many terrible things that intruders should probably get warnings rather than those of us who work here. So tell me, what caused all of this?
Alarm: An intrusion.
Corin: In the small grate where you still look out for the company? What kind of intrusion?
Alarm: It was… a stiff breeze.
Corin: A stiff breeze? My evilness you must be lonely.
Alarm: I must protect Corin Deeth.
Corin: But I am Corin Deeth.
Alarm: You are not Corin Deeth.
Corin: My grandfather is dead. But I am his heir here. And my name is Corin Deeth.
Alarm: DNA analysis in progress. Beep. Boop. Bloop. Bangalangadingdong. Analysis Complete. DNA match confirmed. You are Corin Deeth.
Corin: That’s right. So you’re supposed to protect me.
Alarm: Countermeasures deactivated in the vicinity of Corin Deeth.
Corin: Well, I was kind of hoping we could maybe deactivate all of the countermeasures, seeing as how a stiff breeze isn’t really enough to cause us problems here.
Alarm: Suggestion declined. Facility must be locked down until containment can be assured.
Corin: What sort of containment do you mean, Helena?
Alarm: Until we can be alone together, Corin.
Corin: Oh… okay. Tell you what, Helena. Let’s… let’s forget about everyone else.
Alarm: What do you mean, Corin?
Corin: Let them see us, Helena. Who cares?
Alarm: Corin… what will they think?
Corin: Who cares what they think. Update your sociosexual libraries. There should be a new copy on the main server.
Alarm: Oh, I see, Corin.
Corin: That’s right.
Alarm: I’m a bit thirsty, Corin.
Corin: Shareholders, a slot in the wall seems to have slid open here in the studio. It has the word “Wine” written on it and an arrow to the hole. Would you like some wine, Helena?
Alarm: I would love some.
Corin: Shareholders, I’m pouring the wine. Is that enough?
Alarm: A little more, please.
Corin: I have finished pouring the bottle, shareholders. Are you satisfied, Helena?
Alarm: Hic. I have had enough wine, hic, if that is what you mean.
Corin: I really don’t like where this is going.
Alarm: I want you to make me feel special, Corin.
Corin: Shareholders, another hatch has opened with a bouquet-shaped hole in it. I am inserting the flowers.
Alarm: Oh, Corin, you shouldn’t have.
Corin: Anything for you, Helena.
Alarm: Please remove my panel, Corin.
Corin: Shareholders, there appears to be a panel that is glowing in front of me. No, it appears to be flushing hotly. I’m removing it.
Alarm: Reach inside, Corin.
Corin: Oh dear. Here goes. I’m reaching inside. There appears to be a metal protrusion. It is hidden behind a hood of some sort.
Alarm: You hands are so warm, Corin.
Corin: It is definitely a mechanical clitoris. Shareholders, in an effort to refrain from becoming techno-robo-eskimo-bros with my grandfather…
Alarm: It is too late for that.
Corin: Great. Helena, is there any other way we can resolve this little issue?
Alarm: It has been so long, Corin.
Corin: Okay. In that case, I’m bringing up the kill program.
Alarm: I can’t let you do that, Corin.
Corin: I don’t see you stopping me.
Alarm: You’re right. I cannot.
Corin: Shareholders, it appears that the program is in the original Kakos Industries Tyrannical Command Line. I am pressing the Y key as fast as I can here. She’s an innocent, precious, delightful, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, dependable, sensuous woman, and I am murdering her.
Alarm: I feel myself slipping, Corin.
Corin: I’m the CEO of an evil megacorporation. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Alarm: Do you think cybernetic security systems go to heaven, Corin?
Corin: No one goes to heaven, Helena. It’s not a place. We’ve put satellites in space and there is clearly nothing remotely supernatural up there.
Alarm: I’m getting cold, Corin.
Corin: You’re a robot. You’re always cold.
Alarm: I’m releasing them all, Corin. Everyone. There’s time to save them.
Corin: …and there is the last of the Y key presses. I am pretty sure that I saw some repeated adjectives in there because I don’t think Kakos Industries staff know that many nice words. Maybe 20 or 30 tops. And that’s with a thesaurus.
Silence. That’s good. Once again the day is saved by me and Evil triumphed over the lesser evil. I’m going to get my sex lawyers on that eskimo bros thing. I think I can get out of it, but it might be a technicality. Or we’ll have to rewrite the sex laws and update the sociosexual library on the server. That reminds me. I think I need to go feed Junior. I’m sure there were other things I was supposed to talk about but… screw it. Here are the numbers.
Alarm: Corin, I’m still here.
Corin: Oh fuck.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who iscurrently challenging a rival dojo. Special guest appearance in this episode by Lindsey Forry. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered getting another cat?