158 – Keeping Tabs

in which we hear from Corin Deeth I about some trouble at work, a long time enemy is finally destroyed, and Jeff “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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What you are about to hear is corrosive.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Here at Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. We have a lot to get through today, shareholders, so let’s dive right in.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a Not Quite Mechanical Cat. This description, understandably, has probably raised some red flags from some of you. What exactly is a not quite mechanical cat? The data sheet I have in front of me suggests that it is close to, but not quite mechanical. But, Corin, you insist, being mechanical is a binary state. Well, not exactly. I would encourage you not to worry too much about this. Just understand that the cat in front of you is not quite mechanical, but close, which means that you shouldn’t develop any lasting feelings for it. At the designated time, the cat sauntered in front of you and sat down. Instead of a meow, what you heard come from the cat is these announcements. I am told that this comes to use from a collaboration between our Division of We Have Too Many Cats, and our Division of Sticking Radios in Things. Look, you are starting to think about it again, and I need you not to. Imagine purple hippopotamuses or something. Don’t think about this cat. It’s fine. I should also mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders, and if you’re not one of those, then this cat has likely clawed the shit out of you already and has moved onto your furniture. If you want to save any of the things that you love, including your life, I would recommend becoming a shareholder immediately by whatever means necessary. Think Evil thoughts. Do Evil deeds. Do Evil Better.

Shareholders, did you enjoy Evil Con? I know that I sure didn’t. I can’t believe that I have to endure the indignity of talking to podcasters. What a tremendous disappointment. 

We also recently had the festival of innovation, which went about as well as it usually does. Last time, I mentioned that Giant Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face had made a robot with six asses. It used every single one of them. Somehow, this six assed robot was able to engage with seven other robots at the same time, which counted as some sort of victory, I gather. I have no idea how they score these things, but apparently they are developing metrics for robotic pleasure.

Coming up, we have the Festival of Self Love, that time of the year when we really just take time to take care of ourselves, you know? Other people can take care of us, it’s true, but sometimes you just know best what you need. As always, the Festival of Self Love isn’t planned exactly, but it will happen, and we will all participate. Any momentary embarrassment or confusion will be quickly overwritten by a feeling of satisfaction and the knowledge that you were part of something larger than yourself just then, even though you were all alone. You hope. 

Shareholders, I have been continuing my investigations into… well, into everything. I know that I am playing with fire, and I would caution you not to worry too much about me. I am proceeding as carefully as I can. I cannot tell you exactly what I’m doing, but I think it’s fair to share with you some of my findings. Believe it or not, this isn’t just my journey. Here’s a tape from my grandfather. Based on the age of the tape and the decay in the magnetic field, we’re pretty sure this is an older one.

CDI: Grace, we need to talk. It’s about my secretary. I know that she was chosen from a pool of hundreds based on her secretarial skills and loyalty, and probably I assume based on some physical characteristics, but I just don’t don’t think it’s working out. First of all, she isn’t actually doing her job. She keeps double booking my appointments, triple booking sometimes. And other times, she schedules things for me that aren’t actually happening. I clear my afternoon and she says something about the meeting being canceled with nothing to replace it and suggests that we have a chat instead. I think we can agree that this isn’t ideal behavior. I need my appointments scheduled in such a way that I don’t get worn out, and if there’s a gap, then I have other work to do. There is always more work to do, isn’t there? A CEO’s life is never simple, and my work will never be truly finished. She has started suggesting that I need to take time to relax and that this order has come down from the board, or someone with that kind of authority. I don’t think I need to relax, Grace. I’m pretty fucking relaxed, okay? I take pills that make me so relaxed I can barely breathe. Try getting to that state with exercise and meditation. You can’t. Anyway, I’m thinking we should fire her and just get someone competent in the job. I get the impression that someone picked her out because she’s pretty and they thought I would enjoy having her around to look at, or maybe more, but let’s be real, Grace. I do like looking at her, and maybe we did get up to something once or twice, but things started to get weird, okay? She made me feel like it was some kind of duty or something. Very strange.

VOICE: From the Desk of Grace Rule.

(whale noises)

CDI: Grace, I notice that we were unable to fire Tabs. I heard your message of course, but I would like to emphasize again that she isn’t doing her job correctly. If we can’t fire her, then at least get me an additional secretary that will do the work. I need someone who will do the work. And not someone who keeps scheduling hang outs with just her and me. What am I supposed to do with that? Also, since my last message, she has been wearing shorter and shorter skirts and more revealing necklines. Look, I’m not the arbiter of what is and isn’t appropriate workplace attire. I’m happy to have people running around the building naked if it’s what the job calls for. But she’s doing this on purpose, Grace. She wants something from me and I’m not interested. Not anymore. Not like this. The power dynamic is too obvious. Or maybe it’s not. I don’t like it.

VOICE: from the Desk of Grace Rule.

(whale song)

CDI: Okay, okay, Grace, I know she was selected for supposedly important reasons by whoever, but she has to go. I thought she was selected for being a great secretary, but who knows. She keeps telling me about how the board just loves how Evil her genes are and what an Evil baby she would make. Last month, she left out one of those tests that tells you when you’re ovulating. It was on my desk next to her underwear, Grace. How do I know it was hers? Well, there was a situation earlier in the day where she made sure to drop something at just the perfect angle for me to see. Grace, I’m a fool, and a number of other things that people will only say when they know I’m far away, but this is too much. I know the board is worried about the future of the company, but this seems like the wrong way to go about things, don’t you think? I’m not going to do that. Not like that. I’m not a sentimental man, Grace, but there’s nothing in my job description that says I have to do this. And… I got the results back from the lab. Grace, they reversed my vasectomy. Somehow. I had a suspicion, you know, a tickle in the ball sack, but now I know it’s true. I just want some answers. I’m not a puppet. And I’m not so foolish that I don’t know when I’m being toyed with. I will not be the pawn in someone else’s game.

VOICE: From the Desk of Grace Rule.

(whale song)

CDI: Just got your message, Grace, and you’re right. This situation is really fucked up. That’s what I’ve been trying to say. This woman hasn’t scheduled me an appointment in over a week. More of the piss dipsticks saying that she’s fertile. She’s been saying just the wildest shit, Grace. The other day, she asked me how I felt about the title “Mother of Darkness”. How was I supposed to answer that, Grace? She also tried out Broodmother and a few others. I told her to her face that I wasn’t about to help her with that and she just sort of smiled and then slid back on her desk, putting herself in a position that would have made things real easy. I’m going to move offices, Grace. I’m not going to stand for this. If I’m going to procreate, which, mind you, I decided not to do ten years ago, then this isn’t going to be how it happens. 

VOICE: From the desk of Grace RUle 

(whale song)

CDI: Grace, got your message. Stop telling me to stop overreacting. She was in my bed, Grace! I got home and there she was, in my bed. She said that she wasn’t even ovulating, that this one would just be for fun. Like I’m going to fall for that. I know when I’m being used, Grace. Get her the fuck out of my office. I don’t know what she’s playing at, what the board is playing at, but I’m not playing. This is escalation, and it’s only going to get worse. 

CDI: Didn’t hear back from you about that last message, Grace. Is it possible that you are embarrassed how tied your hands are, Grace? Is it possible that you don’t like to acknowledge that this is coming from somewhere else and you hate it just as much as I do? Well, I’ll tell you, Grace, that I’ve had the procedure redone and I’ll be testing to make sure it stays done. And I don’t think it’s funny that there are two of them now. They’re both named Tabitha, Grace. Is that a joke? I thought maybe you finally got me a secretary that would do work, but no. It seems the first one recruited the second one. I told her we could go for it because I was just tested and I was completely sterile and I just saw this fire in her eyes and she lost interest and the next day there’s two of them. I don’t know what they want from me, Grace, but I can’t do my job like this. I can’t get any work done. Whoever is behind this, send them to me. I want a chat. 

VOICE: From the Desk of Grace Rule

(whale song)

CDI: Grace, I don’t give a fuck if she is on the board. Okay, okay, maybe I underestimated her. Maybe I thought she was a sexy moron when she’s actually a sexy mastermind. I know her family and Evil go way back. The important thing is that she doesn’t get me like that. Not just because she wants me. I’m taking my office mobile until she gives up. I’m not going to fall for it!

CDIII: Right, so there was a lot to unpack there. I think that we’re all making some connections here, but there are still a lot of missing pieces. You don’t suppose that… It’s not… Like a family thing? Being a Tabitha? You don’t think they ever actually got to him, do you? They can’t be, like, my cousins, can they? They don’t exactly look related, but… I just… That’s a layer I wasn’t prepared for. That would be too weird, right? I don’t know why this is the first place my mind went.

JUNIOR: You know, Corin, there’s nothing wrong with things happening between cousins.

CORIN: How long have you been there, Junior?

JUNIOR: I was waiting for my chance. 

CORIN: Please stop this.

JUNIOR: You could be kissing cousins, Corin.

CORIN: First cousins are off limits, Junior.

JUNIOR: Of course, you have to change your approach. You may need to get stuck in a washing machine.

CORIN: Junior, stop.

JUNIOR: You could say, oh, no, Cousin Tabitha. I’m stuck.

CORIN: Junior, stop.

JUNIOR: I think you’re underestimating the opportunity here.

CORIN: There is no opportunity. You’re thinking of pornography, Junior.

JUNIOR: You’re just adding a bit of spice to the situation, Corin. And, besides, it’s not like you haven’t done worse before.

CORIN: We are not talking about her.

JUNIOR: You still have her holiday card on your refrigerator. 

CORIN: Shut up. And you know what? I don’t think the old man did it. 

JUNIOR: That just leaves us with more questions, does it not?

CORIN: I’m more okay with questions than I am with this conversation.

JUNIOR: Fine. Tata for now.

Let’s move on, shareholders. It’s time for that segment where we answer some of your burning questions about Kakos Industries. Someone out there wants to know if there is a Kakos Dating Service. The answer is sort of. We find that these matters of the heart are usually best left to all of you out there to figure out for yourselves. We think it’s better if we just don’t get involved. I’m joking of course. From the minute you step into this building we are watching you and trying to engineer your experience. We try to match employees and visitors that we think might go well together sometimes. We do need healthy Evil families. But sometimes we try to steer people who will be just awful for each other, but in a way that’s kind of weirdly appealing, toward each other. It helps to balance things out, and a lot of us here at Kakos Industries really just love drama, you know? It’s not me so much, but some of the people here would engineer shitty relationships all day if they could get away with it. They just love watching people make each other miserable. It’s pretty Evil, I would say. If you were specifically inquiring about a service that you can consciously use to find people to spend time with, then not as much. We will find someone for you some day and then you will find that person, and with a little luck, you’ll be able to make each other just completely miserable. Okay, there are also some dating apps, but come on. Let us take care of this for you. Put it in fate’s hands. Fate is one of our employees who just loves matchmaking. She’s the worst.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. As we all know they have a number of projects in the works. One of those projects is figuring out what is most sex, but they seem to be ignoring that one in favor of basically anything else. It turns out that maybe sex is a social construct and the answer can only be subjective. Then again, they’ve had some ideas that got pretty close. Their other endeavor is the Satisficer, an all-in-one sex toy that will do basically whatever you need it to, no matter your physical situation. I am told that they are currently working on a mode they are calling “Power Bottom.” I asked for details and they just kind of laughed at me. They made fun of me for not knowing what it means. I know what a power bottom is, you know. It’s just not clear what that means for this sex toy. I was going to push the point, but there was a scream from the next room. Apparently it was in power bottom mode for whoever was testing it, and things did not go well. Oh well.

I have news from Hell. Long time shareholders will remember that once upon a time we dug a hole looking for hell, and we didn’t find it, so we made it. Sort of. There are certainly people down there doing labor and suffering, but they are currently alive. Well, the ones working, anyway. Currently, the laborers are working hard at mining these glowing rocks that they have discovered down there. They might be radioactive. They might also be leaking a kind of energy we don’t yet have a name for. They could be causing all kinds of problems. Anyway, the glowing rocks are fairly easily molded and sculpted, so some of the people down there have been mining, and others have been carving figurines. The trouble is that they seem to have really overestimated the demand for these stones. They’ve brought a lot to the surface, but aside from interesting carvings, they’re not great for much. They’re not great for building with as the stone is too soft. You can kind of mix it in with bricks, but then the glow is mitigated and they really aren’t that interesting. They’ve been making veneers and facades with the glowing stones to attach to sturdier building materials, and it does appear that Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in our Hell labor camp, has constructed for herself a beautiful new palace with these stones on the outside. The important thing, I guess is that the people are still working, just as we intended for them to. There are still some concerning undercurrents with regards to the laborers finding spiritual significance in the work. This is likely a sign of malnutrition, but arguing to give them better food is an uphill battle as you can understand.

I have only the smallest amount of news about the Matmos. Kimmie has still been trying to get closer with Clarissa and Hedera, the Matmos twins, my supposed liaisons to that inky blank maybe sentient goop. I am told that they have started to call Kimmie “the poser” when she’s not around. I don’t think it’s meant to be.

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is currently preparing a matchup between Karenasaurus and Dmitridon. These monsters were based on dinosaurs, but like not in an academic way. They escaped from two separate labs in the 1980 to fuck each other up. I am excited to see what they do with this one.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to didn’t have much luck with the locks they had at the convention last time, but I am told that they have started a new crowdsourcing effort where they take pictures of locks and take pictures of keys and let people at home try to tease out where they might go. The downside of this is that most keys don’t exactly look like the locks they go to, so the visual inspection isn’t really enough to go on. They are working on a scanning device that can be put inside of locks to reveal the mechanisms. The only issue with this is the context. Many keys fit the same locks because they’re basically just an physical manifestation of a numerical code, but some keys don’t go to the locks just because they open them. The Division has decided that the locks need to belong to the keys in a more concrete way for them to truly belong together.

Some of you may remember the Division of Secret Societies, a division here at Kakos Industries that sought to infiltrate and eventually destroy competing secret societies. During these very broadcasts ten years ago, you may remember hearing that Gayle Kaminski was due to be the head of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Sports Bra in 2024. Well, I can say with pride that Gayle Kaminski took over this secret society last month, and was able to completely destroy it. I am told that the sports bra was not in great shape after being worn nonstop for ten plus years, and the organization was a mere husk of what it once was, but we got ‘em. Finally. I am told that to get to this point, the sports bra had to be disinterred twice after being buried with someone who was wearing it when they died. It had to be surgically removed from one prior host. It had been patched and repaired numerous times. And then it landed in the hands of Gayle Kaminski. Her first order of business was to drain the bank account into a Kakos owned account. There was about twenty-seven dollars in the account, so not a huge victory there. Then she had the ledger with all of the upcoming names on it destroyed. A few people tried to fight her, but she killed those people. And finally, she removed the sports bra, and burned it, showing it the dignity it deserved, the dignified conclusion it should have had years ago. Ten years. It was totally worth it. I am told that we are looking into some other secret societies we can try to dismantle now that our resources have been freed up.

It’s time for today’s employee spotlight. Today we are honoring Gayle Kaminski for everything I just said.

They say that Evil once kissed and told and it was the end of things right then and there. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for green, red, and the multicolored cosmic ray on its way to wipe out all life. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for these things, but wouldn’t it be better for everyone if we were? I think it would. If you don’t think we are responsible for these things, then it would be better to put your head back in the sand for when that cosmic ray arrives.

Jeff has won todays’ Ruin-A-Life Drawing. That means that Jeff’s nemesis will encounter a life-ruining turn of events. That nemesis is Lim-Bo. We gave the Wheel of Misery a hearty spin and it landed on the space for impractical. From this day forward, Lim-Bo will be 98% more impractical, which is a lot, and it will cause some problems. Whether it’s planning for a trip, or just planning a meal, Lim-Bo will only make the most impractical of decisions. For Evil measure, Jeff will be 19% more practical, which is just kind of dull sometimes, you know? Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team responsible for making the Wheel of Misery’s dictates come true, has recently been doing their job around Kakos Industries wearing nothing but Steel Cut Oats stuck to their skin. It’s pretty gross, I have to say.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast shareholders. I think we all have a lot to think about. Know that I will be continuing my investigations. The Not Quite Mechanical Cat will need to be destroyed as soon as I have finished speaking. You cannot keep it. It will never truly love you. You will never truly understand its nature. It needs to be destroyed. Do what you must. The numbers are next.













BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a gargoyle who only lies.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholder, Jack Tooley. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who ate the leftover chimichangas. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit this one fucking mint plant that is taking over the entire garden. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old Evil submarine. It can only go down about a hundred feet, but it can go down about a hundred feet in just about anything. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started adding fiber to everyone’s diet, moving things along when the time comes.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Only Orange Foods. “Got in an argument with the owner about what counts as orange. 6.12/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Throwable Food”. It’s not about food fights. It’s about throwing the food into a mouth.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by moving the office up one flight of stairs. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is  now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. Right now low frequency dissonances are beating out infrasound.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that lets you take a bathroom break whenever you want. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked seventeen baboons. It was an admirable feat. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a hot new fic about Jeremy in the Division of Finance, and his hair gel. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced a new flavor of cereal they are calling crunchy. The texture is kind of soft, but the flavor is weirdly crunchy. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap on the lap of Denise Wilkirks, who is apparently super chill about that sort of thing. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, wear gloves when handling it.

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