153 – Porscience

I have here a report from Delilah Grenk from the Division of Porcine Innovations.

“Greetings, Mr. Deeth. I would be absolutely thrilled to tell you about my innovations in the world of porcine science, AKA porscience. The first think you need to know about me, Mr. Deeth, is that I hate vegetables. I hate them with a passion. I always have, ever since I was little. My parents would insist that I would eat my vegetables, and every carrot I consumed was a hot  coal that would burn me perpetually from the inside. Every piece of broccoli would expand and splinter inside of me. Every piece of potato felt like a rock sinking inside of me never to be removed. I hate vegetables and I refuse to eat them. The downside of all of this, of course, is that reaching certain nutritional goals becomes much harder when you refuse to eat plants. This was the genesis for my science.

“Pigs, Mr. Deeth. Is there any animal more deserving of being eaten? In the best of times, they are docile and malleable, and thus deserving of being eaten for being so naive. At the worst of times, they are rambunctious and unruly, and thus deserving of being eaten. We also know a great deal about their genome, which is a big help when it comes to modifying them to suit our needs. 

“My need, Mr. Deeth, was a pig that could sustain me. A pig that had everything I needed in it. A complete pig. The only pig I would ever need to eat again. And thus I began my experiments. By the time I was done, I was expecting to be able to explain how pigs themselves were just another cultivar of Brassica oleracea. I started small by inserting the entire genome of the common carrot into the pig’s DNA. The pigs I grew were… orange. And they did not live long, but initial examinations led me to believe that they would be both tasty and nutritious. It was time to iterate.

“Within a few months, I had little piggies that were both orange and living to adulthood. It was just a question of subtracting genes one by one and not feeling particularly bad about thousands of stillborn piglets. Genetics really isn’t all that hard.

“After I had inserted carrot DNA, I wanted to get broccoli in there. And brussel sprouts. And beans. And beets, And potatoes. All the things people always told me I should eat. Well, they would see me eat them wouldn’t they?

“A few hundred thousand iterations later and I was onto a stable construct. Not only would the piglets grow to adulthood, but they could be bred to produce more without continued genetic meddling. The downside was that the pigs had developed some unsettling habits. Like blooming And taking root. And photosynthesizing. They were still pigs, of course, but they were now varying colors of green, and their skin was becoming awfully leaf-like. They were growing leaner. And the blooming thing. They would develop buds all over their bodies that would turn into flowers. We had to get a supply of bees just to see what would happen. Well, the pigs grew more pigs on their bodies. It was horrifying, but it was also thrilling. I always knew I would succeed, but this was beyond my wildest dreams. 

“There’s just one problem, Mr. Deeth. And that’s the flavor. I hate it. It’s fucking vegetables all over again. I’m thinking next time I’ll start with broccoli and then add pig.”

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