In which we try to distract the Universe itself, You enjoy the fabulous Halloween Party, and Pidge Pidgerton “wins” The Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Ryan: What you are about to hear is the lamentations of the women.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Happy Halloween, shareholders! I hope that you are having an outstanding time, whether you have decided to join us in person, or you are celebrating in your own way at home. If you are a new shareholder, then you might not know this, but usually, Halloween has a way of fucking with me personally. It has it out for me. Every time I try to have a nice time and drink a little, and dance a little, and maybe scope out some beautiful people in beautiful costumes, it has other ideas for me. There have been weird trials. There have been ridiculous prophecies. There have been strange oozes permeating the building. This year, I have a plan to avoid all of that. It’s a stupid plan, but I have a plan all the same. Fortunately for me, I am in my recording booth, so I won’t have to hear you if you burst out into laughter or groan at the sound of my stupid plan. I am going to do my damndest to keep the Universe distracted. How am I going to do this, you might be wondering. Well, I’m going to do this by telling some scary stories. This should help to keep you entertained, shareholders, but it will also, if my incredibly foolish plan works, keep the Universe off my dick at least long enough for me to get through the announcements. You might also be thinking, but Corin, doesn’t this interfere with actually announcing anything? And you’re right. But you are also wrong in assuming that I have to announce anything. I am required to do these announcements in my job description, but what I announce is not as strictly regulated. Certainly, having things to announce helps to fill the time, but honestly, I don’t actually have to do anything other than sit here and broadcast. 

Alright, there are a few things that I do have to give some attention to, but I just know that the longer I spend on them, the less I am distracting the Universe itself, which means that I need to get through the details quickly.

The radio you’re hearing this broadcast on is a “sexy pumpkin”. If you’re not a shareholder, we will make sure something bad happens to you if you continue to listen to these announcements. The Festival of Books was horny and life altering. The Festival of Pretending to Read Books was somehow hornier. Coming soon we will have The Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday, which will both be tight AF. The winter holidays will also be sick as hell. 

I have been doing a segment where I answer some of your questions about Kakos Industries. Today’s question is “can I?” The answer is no. You cannot.

If you think you might be seeing these announcements, or maybe you want to, head to KakosIndustries.com/See. That’s s-e-e.

Alright, I think I got through all of that safely without anything terrible happening, so let’s get into the story-telling.

I have a report here from Simon Gersh, who you might remember is responsible for cleaning the Sea Horror’s enclosure. 

“Thank you for requesting this report, Mr. Deeth, and also thank you for the employee spotlight a year ago. Obviously I’m used to getting a lot of questions about the sea horror, but most of those questions tend to ignore a lot of what I consider to be important details. I should probably start with some basics.

“To start with, the name is a bit of a misnomer. The sea horror has never been in the sea, or the ocean, or a lake, or any open body of water. Shortly after its creation, it was put into its tank and that’s where it has lived its whole life. The sea horror’s enclosure is a large tank of murky water, around 50 meters on each side. The water is murky for multiple reasons, but it has to remain murky because the scientists think that helps to keep the sea horror calm and healthy. There is a thick glass window on one side, while the other sides are made of steel. The top of the enclosure has a hatch which you can open to get inside and clean things when it’s time. It also facilitates feeding. I mentioned there being a window on one side, but the window is covered by a big curtain, and I don’t think I have ever seen the curtain pulled back. The enclosure itself is located in basement eighty-eight and one-third. Where the hallway ends, a cavern begins and this is a place where a lot of the more horrifying monsters and creations of Kakos Industries reside. There is a woman, Carol, who sits in a booth at the start of the cavern to warn people. Apparently a sign wasn’t quite enough and people kept wandering down the hallway. The advantage to Carol is that she has this quiet kind of terrifying manner about her that when she tells you something is a bad idea, it makes you want to run in the other direction. Or so I’ve been told. I like Carol. I find nothing off-putting about her at all. I think she’s a sweetheart. We get drinks sometimes. Some of the scientists I’ve worked with on this project and others in basement eighty-eight and one-third seem to talk about Carol like she’s actually one of the experiments, but it seems impolite for me to pry.

“The sea horror is fed once every week and the meal is typically an entire cow, or a couple of pigs, or sometimes, more rarely, some living experiment or other that has been marked for recycling. The animals have to be alive, unfortunately, because the sea horror won’t eat anything that isn’t completely terrified. It can detect those chemicals in the body that indicate a stress response. It’s the only thing that really triggers its feeding response, which I am told was by design. Whose design, I don’t know. It usually does a pretty good job of eating the whole animal, but sometimes I have to clean up bones and such from the bottom of the enclosure.

“My job primarily consists of sucking up debris from the bottom of the enclosure. This includes waste products from the sea horror, which is usually a sort of thick black sludge that is unlike anything I have ever seen before. I use a kind of vacuum that sucks this up. We then top off the water in case I’ve sucked up too much. The scientists mentioned that the consequences of letting the sea horror out of the water were unknown, but likely disastrous. Once I’ve sucked up the sludge from the bottom and removed any bones by hand, I give the window a cleaning from the inside, should anyone ever want to look inside the enclosure. The water is murky, but it’s possible to see a meter or so in front of you. 

“I should probably mention here that I am not one of the scientists who works with the sea horror. I am a trained diver, and I have a background in cleaning aquariums. I’ve done some cave diving, rescue diving, and the like. I’ve been in shark tanks and other dangerous environments. A few years ago, I found myself in need of a new job, and somehow I ended up at Kakos Industries. My entrance tests told them I had one of the lowest fear responses they had ever seen. That explained a lot about my life. I’ve gotten myself into serious trouble more times than I’d like to list, and for most of those situations I’ve been able to get out safely simply by not panicking. There was the time when I was stuck in an underwater cave for seven days, but the rescue divers were able to bring me snacks and air, and they were eventually able to dislodge me. Decompression was a real pain in the ass after that one. My skills as a diver and my near immunity to fear made me the perfect candidate for working with the sea horror. I didn’t even flinch when they told me about the job. And I haven’t been eaten yet, so that’s a positive sign. 

“The previous divers didn’t retire. They were all eaten. I have their notes and recommendations in a file in the locker room. They mostly involve breathing exercises to keep calm, and also tips for treating the small wounds you will inevitably end up with. I’ll talk about those a little bit later. They also talk about a feeling of developing a relationship with the sea horror. They talk about feeling like it respects them and gives them distance. I can relate to those feelings. When you’re in the tank for so long with the creature, it’s hard not to feel like you’re getting to know it, even just barely. It feels like you develop a camaraderie. It feels like maybe the sea horror appreciates what you do. That’s a nice feeling. The previous divers also mention some superstitions for how to clean the tank with the least chance of a sighting or contact. They talk about spiral swimming patterns and the currents inside the tank created by the water filters. I don’t think any of that really holds true. And also, all those guys are dead. At least one of them, I cleaned the sludge that used to be him from the bottom of the enclosure. 

“The scientists who work on this project seem to have mostly abandoned it. The sea horror has been deemed too dangerous, and also too inconspicuous, to ever release, even in a situation where we might want to send a message. 

“It doesn’t swim, exactly. It has a way of floating around, but it sort of rides the currents inside the tank. It never stops moving. You might hope that it will just stay in a corner digesting whatever meal you just fed it, but it doesn’t. It is always moving. The best way to avoid it is to keep moving yourself. Staying in one place for too long only guarantees that you are going to make contact, and you don’t want to do that.

“I’ve only seen glimpses of it, and those are usually a sign to head out for the day and try again another time. It seems to be a combination of things, though I recognize that might be like five blind men trying to describe an elephant. I have seen a tentacle or two, but the body of the thing isn’t particularly like an octopus or even a fish. It’s bony, or maybe it has an exoskeleton. It’s not particularly aerodynamic. It can look kind of coffin-like, but that might just be from one angle. I described it as having waved to me once, but I can’t say for certain if it was an octopus-like arm, or a more human one. Parts of it are sharp and can scratch and cut you badly. Parts of it can grab hold of you. Other parts feel like you’ve had a cabinet dropped on you. None of it feels great. 

“People usually ask me what it’s like to be in the tank with the sea horror. On account of my difficulty with the whole fear thing, it’s a little difficult for me to know what interests people the most, but I’ll do my best now for the record. I get on my diving gear. I have to wear a full oxygen tank instead of using an air line from the surface or anything like that because the line can get severed. Apparently they found that out the hard way before my time. When I open the tank up, there is the murky water. You can see a little ways, but it looks like a bunch of disturbed sediment. You can see far enough to know that you’re not going to immediately run into the horror. You do have to move somewhat quickly though. If you leave the door open for too long, the horror can try to escape and as I mentioned before, we simply don’t know what will happen in that case. I have to enter the enclosure by falling backwards, tank first, just like I was diving off of a boat. There is always a moment where I wonder if I might just run directly into the sea horror as it moves around in the water, but it hasn’t happened yet. The water is warm. Apparently they don’t use any heating. The sea horror generates the heat all on its own somehow. From that moment on, it’s time to move as quickly as you can. You don’t want to hold still and be a stationary target. You want to get going right away. I do tend to zig zag a bit on my way down. The temptation is to swim straight for the bottom with the suction hose, but you need to move more erratically. It keeps your movement pattern from being too predictable. Once you’re at the bottom of the tank, you need to move around a lot. You can’t just go up and down in lines. You have to be messier about it. If you do anything too orderly and too predictable, that’s when you’re going to make contact. 

“The thing about being in the water is that it feels still. It feels like you’re the only thing in there. There’s no water pushing against you. There’s a small current from the filtration system, but nothing that would tell you that there was something in there swimming around, especially not something as big as the sea horror. It is big. I think. So you try to move around quickly, but you don’t want to create big waves or disturb the water too dramatically. That also leads to making contact with the creature. Once you’ve gotten a good chunk of the sludge from the bottom of the enclosure, it’s time to wipe down the windows in case any algae or other gunk has started to build up. Again, moving in a disorderly fashion makes it less likely that you’re going to make contact. 

“And I guess I should talk about contact. As I mentioned before, the sea horror is sharp, and jagged, and hard. It doesn’t make much sense how it’s composed, but I guess that’s part of the horror. Most of the contact I have made is usually just bumping into it, or it bumping into me. You just feel a sharp stabbing sensation and when you turn to look, there’s nothing there. Or there is something there, and it’s not the kind of thing you can easily describe. Sometimes you touch it and it doesn’t cut or stab. That’s rarer, though. Finding a flat spot on the creature is unusual. It’s like a living ball of barbed wire wrapped around a skeleton. I’m making some assumptions there. I haven’t seen the whole thing, like I said. 

“Then there’s another category of contact. That category is when it wants to touch you. In the worst case, it’s still hungry and you’re food. In other cases, I don’t know what it wants. But it can bite. I have a piece missing from my left calf, and the tip of my right pinkie finger is gone from bites like that. A lot of people probably would have quit after that, but I think I already mentioned that I don’t make the smartest decisions. It helps that this job pays really well.Some people think that it does these small contacts to try to scare you and make you into something it can eat, but it doesn’t work so well on me. One time when I was down there, it grabbed hold of my leg. This is a different kind of contact. It was a tentacle or something like that. It wrapped around me. I thought, oh great, this is it. And then I felt this terrible pain in my leg, but it wasn’t like a bite. It wasn’t eating me. I aborted the cleaning for the day, but when I got to the hatch, it had somehow locked it from the inside. I had to feel around for a while to find how it had gotten it stuck. The horror had somehow scratched the steel and wedged a piece of it under the enclosure side of things. The only option was to slam the door until it opened. When I got out I was exhausted and winded. The fresh air was a relief though. I looked back at the enclosure and just as I shut it, I saw what looked like a face, but maybe kind of skeleton face, like there wasn’t any meat or flesh. I looked it in the eye just as I slammed the lid shut. I think in that moment I felt something like fear. I wouldn‘t know though. When I looked at my leg, I noticed that it had scratched me pretty badly. In the shape of the word ‘hi’. It said hi. I did mention that we were developing a sort of rapport. Well, I took some time off after that and I’m told that the sludge is building up inside and it’s time for me to get back in there, so I’m off again here momentarily. Oh, there was another thing I wanted to mention. It’s weird, but I have been getting the distinct impression that the sea horror is getting larger. I can’t know for certain, but I get the feeling.” 

That is unsettling for sure, shareholders.

Thank you for the report, Simon Gersh.

JUNIOR: Corin.

CORIN: Oh, hey, Junior. Are you not taking the little ones to collect candy?

JUNIOR: We have completed our rounds. They are now pretending to be asleep while surreptitiously consuming sweets, as is tradition. 

CORIN: That’s very cute.

JUNIOR: They are the cutest, Corin. But they are in bed now. It is time for us adults to party.

CORIN: I’m kind of in the middle of the announcements, and I’m trying to keep the Universe distracted so it doesn’t fuck with me.

JUNIOR: Yes, Corin, I understand your plan, and to be honest, I don’t think it is half as foolish as you do. It is still a foolish plan, but I am on board. This is why I have come. I am here to handle some of the important details of the broadcast so that you may dodge the Sword of Damocles threatening to derail things at any moment.

CORIN: What do you mean?

JUNIOR: Corin, you have not told the people a single thing about the party going on in the building, but I shall spare you the trouble. Shareholders, the party this evening is exquisite as always. There are many zones allowing you to experience things however you wish. You can have a chill time watching horror films. You can go through the jumpscare maze. You can hang out in the hot goth lounge with all of the hot goths. You can drink things from a cauldron. And the babes, shareholders, the babes are unreal as always. We’ve got himbos, herbos, bimbos, thembos, bimboys, mimbos (the M is for monster), gimbos (the G is for goths), and of course hot yimbos. 

CORIN: What is the Y for?

JUNIOR: If you have to ask, you’re not ready. I can tell from right here, that you ain’t ready for none of that. What you’re ready for, however, is the substances. It is a well documented fact that my metabolism makes it incredibly difficult for me to get lit, elevated, or crunk, but I am told that there are some very exciting substances for people with weaker livers such as yours. There is Zalcohol, which is sort of like alcohol, but without any of the drawbacks. There is also an herb they are burning that makes everyone feel extra present. It gives you a feeling that time is not in fact fleeting, but instead you will be able to hold onto this moment forever. And let us not forget about the music, Corin. The music is incredible. I am told that they have invented new forms of synthesis just for tonight so that the dance music hits even fucking harder. I see you looking skeptical, Soundman, but just you wait. In an hour’s time, you, your permabone, and I will be on that dance floor experiencing the wubs and dubs and waahs for ourselves. I’m inclined to suggest that we should extend Halloween by another day, perhaps another week, perhaps another month. We can do it if we all believe it is possible. Another highlight includes the vaudeville performances occurring on the monochrome lawn. There is a late show that I insist you attend with me, Corin.

CORIN: That sounds great, Junior. 

JUNIOR: I could go on, but I want to save some surprises for those of you who are attending in person tonight. That is all for now, Corin.

CORIN: Thank you for stopping by.

JUNIOR: Of course. Now, I am off to enjoy the Zimbos.

CORIN: What’s a Zimbo?

JUNIOR: Ah, Corin, you sweet babe of the springtime. Some day, you shall know. Ta-ta!

The next story is about the Dark Cavern. Shareholders, it shouldn’t be any surprise to you that we do a lot of weird science experiments in the caverns below our building. Most of them we didn’t technically authorize, but mad science will do what it wants pretty much no matter what. We don’t actually know what led to the creation of the dark cavern, but all the same, it’s there. Here’s a report from Leticia Powell, one of the lead researchers working with the Dark Cavern.

“Mr. Deeth, thank you for reaching out and I hope that I can answer your questions to your satisfaction. Just for context, the Dark Cavern isn’t just a really dark cavern as you seemed to imply earlier. It is not just absent of light, it is absent of everything. There is no temperature. There is no light. There is no sound. You cannot shine light on the space to illuminate it. The light just disappears. It ceases to exist. Let me give you some more context.

“We don’t casually disclose the location of the Dark Cavern because we don’t want anyone getting lost. I have attached the location in an envelope on a handwritten piece of paper if you’re curious, but we prefer to keep its existence off of digital equipment that could be compromised. An exploration team around five years ago first discovered the dark cavern. At first, they thought their light sources were running out of battery, but then they got closer and could tell that there was just no way of seeing ahead of themselves. Given that they were explorers, and not trained scientists, they attempted to forge ahead, and they quickly found themselves utterly lost. You see, once you pass into the Dark Cavern, reality as you know it seems to stop existing. There is no temperature. There is no motion of air. You feel nothing. You hear nothing. You smell nothing. You can’t be sure that you’re breathing. You only have a vague sense of yourself through proprioception. It’s the only way you can tell if you’re still moving. The only way you know if you’ve fallen and broken your face on the cavern floor is if you can’t quite move forward, but up seems somehow possible. I am unfortunately speaking from experience. 

“I am part of the second scientific team researching the Dark Cavern. The first team was run by Dr. Damien Skurch. As you are probably aware, Dr. Skurch has disappeared. I know where he is, but I have no way of proving it. My predecessor was fond of the feeling of the Dark Cavern. Assuming you can move just past the threshold and then sit or lie down, you can experience the truest sensory deprivation environment known to man. It is the lack of sensation. You simply become a mind, unbounded by any distractions or stimulus. Of course, unlike psychedelics, the trip doesn’t wind itself down after a given amount of time. This goes on for as long as you remain within the bounds of the Dark Cavern. That could be minutes, or days. I am told that you can be vaguely aware of things like hunger and thirst, but they aren’t as pressing when your mind is running wild. Dr. Skurch brought his team down to the Dark Cavern and did what was apparently the first thing he could think of to test this strange phenomenon. He took DarkMegaMDMA and and DarkMegaLSD and put his head into the darkness. His team did the same. Records indicate that they lost one researcher. And yet, they continued doing foolish things like this for years. Dr. Skurch developed an apparatus that would keep him fed and hydrated without needing to participate in the eating or drinking so that he could spend more and more time in the Dark Cavern. He used a sort of pulley system to bring himself out if he had been in too long. It worked for the most part, as I understand it.

“I should mention that Dr. Skurch is a geologist and a physicist. He is not a psychologist. The realms of the mind are not his expertise. His notes read like a passionate amateur. Or a post on drugtimes.comcom. He was out of his element, and his work was clearly not work. 

“There were some concerns about the project, of course, and that’s when I was brought in. The director of our department hoped that I would be a sobering influence on Dr. Skurch. He made me go into the Dark Cavern as a rite of passage. He very nearly forced me to take drugs before the experience. I refused, but I couldn’t keep his team from pushing me into the darkness, which is when I broke my nose. 

“I would remain outside of the Dark Cavern to oversee the pulley system for a time while Dr. Skurch and the others went in. One day, I realized that they had gone in without attaching themselves to any sort of line. Apparently, the line wasn’t long enough, and the pull of exploration was stronger than reason, so off they went. Only one researcher ever returned. Dr. Kyling. It was three months later. He was sick and emaciated. He looked at me and said “There’s something on the other side.” Then his entire body decohered. I don’t mean that he simply died. I mean that he crumbled to his constituent parts before my eyes. Bone dust, blood, bits and pieces. A bit of him ended up in my nose and I will never forget the smell. 

“We are now taking a much more conservative approach to exploration, but the words ‘there’s something on the other side’ will haunt me forever. 

“Please ask the cave explorers to mark this section of the caverns as explored. They keep sending more people to try to complete their maps, and they keep getting lost. We have no way to retrieve them. They are gone forever in there.

“ ‘There is something on the other side.’ ”

Thank you for your report, Leticia Powell.

(Noise)

MELANTHA: Hello, Corin. I’m interrupting you on Halloween again.

CORIN: Shareholders, this is Melantha Murther, the head of our biggest competitor. It wouldn’t be Halloween without her interrupting us.

MELANTHA: Don’t you dare accuse me of being predictable. I’m the least predictable person there is on this entire planet and any other planet with people on it. 

CORIN: I’m dressed as a vampire.

MELANTHA: Okay, well, I did want to know, but also I figured it would come up naturally in conversation. I wasn’t going to ask.

CORIN: You were.

MELANTHA: I am not predictable!

CORIN: I don’t know what your costume is, but I can say with confidence it is borderline complete nudity. 

MELANTHA: Define borderline.

CORIN: I’ll take that as a concession of defeat. 

MELANTHA: Everything important is covered!

CORIN: What counts as important?

MELANTHA: I scratched myself earlier on a prototype robot and I’ve got a bandaid covering the scratch. I know first aid, Corin.

CORIN: The bandaid is all you’re wearing, then. 

MELANTHA: I spent hours applying intricate, aesthetic creases to my form. I am better than dressed.

CORIN: What are you?

MELANTHA: I’m an original work of art.

CORIN: And you’re naked.

MELANTHA: Look, consistency can be great when you’re consistently great, Corin. You wouldn’t understand anything about that, would you?

CORIN: I never said it wasn’t. It’s nice to hear from you, Melantha. I feel like we only talk on Halloween, these days.

MELANTHA: Don’t act like this is a social call. I didn’t call just to see how you were. I have other motivations.

CORIN: Like?

MELANTHA: Like showing you up at your own game, of course.

CORIN: Which game is that?

MELANTHA: Telling scary stories, Corin. 

CORIN: Well, by all means.

MELANTHA: Sure. Here goes. This is the story I prepared. There once was a woman, Corin. A woman who dates only  men.

CORIN: Terrifying.

MELANTHA: and she’s monogamous. And really bad at expressing herself sexually. She can’t ever ask for what she wants. She’s so unfulfilled, Corin. She’s a sexually unfulfilled woman. That’s the title of the story, by the way, The Sexually Unfulfilled Woman.

CORIN: Okay.

MELANTHA: She doesn’t even get any oral, Corin. It’s all just in and out stuff. And not even a lot of it.

CORIN: Dang.

MELANTHA: And she just accepts that, Corin. She accepts that that’s all there is to life. Just bad in and out stuff.

CORIN: Melantha, I’m not sure if that’s a horror story or just a depressing reality for a lot of people.

MELANTHA: And that doesn’t frighten you? I’m chilled to my bones. 

CORIN: You could put something warm on. 

MELANTHA: Shut up. 

CORIN: I don’t think that story is that scary.

MELANTHA: She never does anything witchy, Corin.

CORIN: What?

MELANTHA: She works in an office!

CORIN: This isn’t even a story! It’s just a character, and a boring one at that.

MELANTHA: Doesn’t being boring terrify you? Oh, I guess it wouldn’t. You’re used to it. Boom. Roasted. Barbecued. Mic drop. Have a nice Halloween, Corin. Buh byeeee!

CORIN: Bye, Melantha. 

(ringing)

CORIN: Hello?

DIRK: Hello, Corin! Happy Halloween!

CORIN: Thanks, Dirk. Shareholders, this is Dirk Cornelious Sexplosion, head of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face. Are you having a fun Halloween, Dirk?

DIRK: Yes. Me and Esmerelda and Raquel and Antonio have been having a quiet evening in, watching the fire and making smores and having drinks and listening to your spooky stories. These stories have been a lot of fun, Corin.

CORIN: I thought so, too. They’re the best stories I could find from around the building.

DIRK: I’m just so thankful they’re just stories, you know? ‘Cause otherwise, I’d be terrified. 

CORIN: What do you mean?

DIRK: You know, they’re just stories you made up to scare everyone. Keep the Universe distracted and whatnot. 

CORIN: No, Dirk, those are all real stories from in the building. They really exist. Those things happened.

DIRK: Even the Sea Horror? That’s real?

CORIN: Yeah, it’s a real freaky monster, and we’re just trying to keep it occupied so it doesn’t escape and become much more dangerous.

DIRK: I have to sleep at night knowing that such a monstrosity exists?

CORIN: It’s well contained, Dirk. I really doubt that you’re ever going to see it. I won’t bring you down there, and Carol wouldn’t let you past her without a pass anyway.

DIRK: I hardly think that any Carol can keep me from going wherever I please.

CORIN: The story kind of downplayed the frightening qualities of Carol. I personally wouldn’t want to try to arm wrestle her. Or try to get past her without a pass. Or try to outdrink her in some sort of competition. Again. 

DIRK: I can be awfully sly when I want to be, Corin. Just like my old man. 

CORIN: But you don’t want to. You don’t want to go down there. You don’t want to see the monster.

DIRK: But I know it’s there, Corin! I have to think about that now. How am I supposed to sleep knowing that it exists? What if it finds me in my nightmares?

CORIN: It can’t hurt you.

DIRK: WHat if I find it in my nightmares? What if I find it in its nightmares? What if I’m sleepwalking, Corin?

CORIN: Carol will likely stop you, as I mentioned.

DIRK: What if I’m sleep sneaking? What if I’m sleep stealth crouching down low? What if I’m strafing diagonally or bunny hopping to increase my movement speed? 

CORIN: Carol is really competent at her job. She doesn’t sleep either.

DIRK: What if I’m sleep swimming in its enclosure?

CORIN: It’s extremely unlikely that you’re going to end up in the murky waters of its enclosure in your sleep.

DIRK: You do it. You end up in murky water when you sleep.

CORIN: I end up in Matmos. We’re not even sure it’s technically a liquid. And that hasn’t happened for a while.

DIRK: What if my wizarding powers manifest in my sleep and I mental-aport into its enclosure because I can’t stop thinking about it?

CORIN: You’re not going to end up in the Sea Horror’s enclosure. I promise.

DIRK: Well what about the Dark Cavern, Corin?

CORIN: If you can find the Dark Cavern, I would be incredibly surprised. I have been there and I needed three guides to take me. 

DIRK: What if I’m really really great at exploring when I sleep walk?

CORIN: Dirk, do you even sleepwalk?

DIRK: Well, I haven’t. But I could. I could start right now. What if I’m already sleepwalking. No. sleep talking! I could be asleep right now, Corin! How do any of us ever know we’re really awake? What if there’s a demon, Corin, and that demon is making me think that I’m awake when I’m not.

CORIN: There’s no such thing as demons, at least not in the metaphysical sense, Dirk. And not in the epistemological sense either. 

DIRK: How do I know anything is real, Corin? How can I ever know?

CORIN: Dirk, I’m going to do you a favor that I have never done for anyone else, simply because I need this conversation to end at some point.

DIRK: What’s that?

CORIN: You are not Denny.

DIRK: Oh, thank Pazuzu!

CORIN: Are we chill?

DIRK: What’s on the other side of the Dark Cavern, Corin?

CORIN: Why don’t you have another drink, Dirk? I’ll talk to you later.

DIRK: I’ll never sleep again! (snoring: Honk Shoo mimimimi).

CORIN: I think he tuckered himself out. Let’s move on, shareholders. 

Pidgey Pidgerton has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Pidgey Pidgerton’s nemesis will encounter a life-ruining turn of events. That nemesis is The Herald. The Herald of what, we don’t know, but it also doesn’t matter. We gave the Wheel of Misery a rough spin and it landed on the space for “Unburdened.” From this day forward, The Herald will be 90% more unburdened, which may sound like a positive thing, but have you ever met someone who was completely unburdened and also had their shit together? I didn’t think so. For Evil measure. Pidgey Pidgerton will be 10% more burdened, but like in a positive way. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team responsible for making the life-ruining declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true, are currently running around the building dressed only in stripey sleeves. THey may have been toe socks at one point. But now they are sleeves. We cannot be certain.  What are you going to do, you know? 

This brings us to the end of our broadcast, shareholders. I am going to enjoy a bit of the party, but I have to tell you that I have something important to take care of. It is so important, that it supersedes my imperative to do these announcements. You will hear from me again soon, though. The only instructions I have for you regarding the radio is that you should not fuck it. The numbers are next.

345

349

345

126

908

7

4

7

8

9

0

1

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle,  a gelatin  monk.

Special Guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan and by Anwar Newton.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Tooley, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who mixed the emulsion and Anastasia K who operated the blow torch. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the various gourds that will be growing in the hanging gardens. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased a player piano made out of bones. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has removed several thousand teeth across the entire company, saving hours of brushing daily.  The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been working on a response to the date invitation that is contained in an open world video game. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Everything on Tap. “Whatever you want is just an empty bowl and tap handle away. 7/8”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Goth Dinner”. What isn’t cigarettes and candy is all black.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by making your office chair a little bit squeakier. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been journaling extensively about what textures make them feel the most Evil. They are now looking into various kinds of stucco.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that vibrates gently. This has changed things, possibly for the worse. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that only eats bugs that are the same kind. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked 17 ravens. They learned the trick, but they will peck the shit out of any of their trainers if they ever see them again. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that revamps the economic system with several new currencies, one of which is just called fun stuff. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains delivered the mutant to the bunker. The Division of Prospective Exoplanet Tourism, directed by Victoria Wood, has started working on a pamphlet for Taurus Wangus Eleven. “It’s not called the porn planet for no reason. It’s called the porn planet because that’s what we call it”. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a hot new fic about the printer that never works in lounge 18-C, but always makes noises that remind people of intimacy. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced Nukey Bites, a cereal that glows. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, maybe go to the park on a lark.