15 – Giant Ass Robots
In which Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, President of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face, joins us for an example of what we do at Kakos Industries, the festival of fertility is recapped, preparations are made for the festival of tripping balls, we receive some alarming results from the Sexual Innovation Division regarding the female arousal gel, and Elaine Chainey wins the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear you will need to be able to repeat word for word at a later date. Please be prepared.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries. Some of you may remember that the last broadcast ended in a somewhat compromising position for myself. The adult daughter of one of our board members was sitting in on the broadcast because of Bring Your Daughter to Evil Day. Without my knowing it, it seems that Hailey Solomonari had planned all along to seduce me, and she was successful. At first I was honored that she would choose to throw herself so aggressively at me. But then I learned something that made me feel embarrassed, and used, and somewhat dirty. The quickest way to rise in the ranks here at Kakos Industries comes from a long standing, and perhaps outdated rule. The rule reads that if one has sex with every board member at Kakos Industries, then one is given an immediate position on the board. Few people know about this rule, and far fewer attempt to use it to their advantage. Kakos Industries has a loose definition of sex when it comes to the types of physical activities that constitute sex, seeing as how we employ many individuals without the standard human equipment, but we have a firm definition of sex in terms of enthusiastic consent and sexual intention. Hailey will not be able to cheat this rule. This is a particularly difficult task because several of the board members are in committed and closed relationships of one type or another, and many are not the least bit palatable, sexually speaking. This is not even taking the exectopi into account. If Hailey is to be successful, she will engage in interspecies sexual relations, sex with at least two semi-sentient robots, and at least one instances of sex with a relative. Hailey will risk moral degradation as well as being physically maimed in the process. This is all assuming, of course, that she survives her punishment for using me in this manner. Hailey was given a choice between an eight month internship with the Division of Ichor, where she would be scuba diving in the Matmos, the thick, ink-black sludge of pure Evil that lives under the main branch here, to look for things we may or may not have dropped into it over the years; spending six months in the Echo Tree Forest either in silence or in total insanity; or surviving the 66 challenges in the Kakos Industries Division of Domination’s Bondage Purgatory. Surprisingly, she chose the last option, and is now under the care of the Division of Domination’s Head Mistress Beatrice Portinari. If the reputation of High Dominatrix Mistress Beatrice holds true, then Hailey will come out of this experience a changed individual, and much better at writing tercets. As for her mother, Iele Solomonari, board member here at Kakos Industries, I imagine she will do everything in her power to make my corporate life as boring and painful as possible. In addition, she has threatened to bring her equally ambitious, yet underage daughter to Bring Your Daughter To Evil Day next year.
This week’s broadcast is coming to you from a Kaboom Tube portable speaker that was delivered through your incoming projectiles window earlier today. The Kaboom Tube is a small device that represents the worst in manufacturing cruelty, and supplying all of you out there with a device set Kakos Industries back a total of around a hundred and fifty dollars. Contrary to the commercials you have seen for these devices, the sound quality and volume will not make you say “Wow!” or “That’s amazing!” It is a small and cheap device, and it is capable of projecting mediocre sound at an average volume. It seems that we have come a bit too close for comfort to our yearly budget for radios, so we’re tightening the belt until I can free up some resources. I’ll have to cut education or something.
I have a special surprise for you today, shareholders. Joining us in the recording studio is Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, the President of Giant Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face, a subsidiary of Giant Ass Things In General.
Dirk: Hello, Kakos Industries.
Corin: Today we are going to run through a typical scenario where we at Kakos Industries would help one of our clients to Do Evil Better so that all of you out there can hear for yourselves what it is that we do. Dirk, tell me how you’re doing evil now.
Dirk: Well, as you all probably already know, we make the biggest, most extreme, baddest ass robots available on the market. They are larger, more obnoxious, and more intense than anything else you can buy. They do the jobs of hundreds of smaller robots, with many more casualties. They make work environments so unsafe that no life forms of any kind should ever get near them. At the same time, they are cheaper and more efficient than human labor, so they take away ten times as many jobs as they kill people.
Corin: That is pretty evil. Tell me, Dirk, what do you have in the works right now?
Dirk: Well, Corin, we’re finalizing a giant landscaping robot at the moment. It measures 100 yards tall and 45 tons. It has eighteen arms operating 27 different types of blades to perfectly manicure any yard. And I mean any yard. In addition to this precision of craftsmanship, El Jardinero Extremo, as we like to call it, only has around a 15% chance of destroying the surrounding buildings, bringing, mayhem, destruction, chaos, and all daily activities to a screeching halt… But I’ve also been working on this really sweet Pom Pom Pup Pup 2000… It’s an itty bitty cybernetic pomeranian, Corin. It rolls over and is so goddamn adorable and precious and there for you when you need him after a hard day’s work and reliable and friendly, just the friendliest…
Corin: Dirk, um… Tell me more about El Jardinero. I kind of stopped paying attention to that last part. You were saying some things I didn’t understand.
Dirk: Well, yes, sure, El Jardinero is on schedule for a Fall release and it will boast the titanium razor shears capable of razing entire forests of rich vegetation AS ADVERTIZED, and yes there will be adapters for cars to be attached and used as lawn mowers… But the Pom Pom Pup Pup 2000 is going to knock your socks off, man, I’m talking hour long frolics in laundry baskets, precious yips, countless precious yips heard throughout your entire home, and SNUGGLING-
Corin: (Off Mic) Dirk, Dirk, are you fucking with me right now? I thought you were past this shit. I thought you were seeing Dr. McUltra. (On Mic) I’m sorry, shareholders, Dirk seems to have misplaced his notes on the next robot we were going to talk about, so he’s going to look for those, while I do some more announcements. Right, Dirk?
Dirk: Yeah, yeah, man. Sure. Notes.
We’ll come back to Dirk in a few minutes. In the mean time, let’s recap the last festival here at Kakos Industries. We recently wrapped up the Festival of Fertility, where lonely Kakos Industries investors who would like to become mothers can come to make their dreams come true. Specially bred Strapping-Young-Men-of-Evil provided these ladies with the right kind of loving and tender caress, followed by deep and sensuous dicking. Immediately following all of the love making, the women attending the event began to consume the flesh of the men who had moments before provided their genetic material in true mantis fashion. Once the bones were picked clean, it was time for everyone to go home. We honor these men for providing the necessary nutrients to bring about a healthy new generation. Our preliminary tests following the event indicate that we had a 95% rate of successful impregnation. This is great news for all of us at Kakos Industries. We are looking forward to all of the babies, especially the few with an extra something evil. The women will all receive prenatal care provided by us here at the main branch, so we can watch these little embryos grow into cute fetuses, and then eventually into meaningful human lives.
Coming up is the Festival of Tripping Balls. This is a festival of self discovery. It is a personal journey. Shareholders and employees alike will be invited to join us in the basement ballroom, otherwise known as the spaceship of the imagination. Once downstairs, each participant will be given a dose of a potent hallucinogen, then they will be locked in the ballroom for the following eight hours. Thousands of marbles will then flood the room as the participants wander about. They will be tripping balls while tripping and slipping on balls. During the event, we will ask participants to record their feelings on politics, ethics, the meaning of life, and all this fucking bullshit we seem to spend so much time worrying about several times over the course of the night. This is incredibly important research for us here at Kakos Industries. It helps us to know what scares us at even deeper levels than we are aware of now, and how to produce more efficient evil. At the end of the evening, Vladimir Van Snoot, one of our oldest shareholders, will parade through the basement ballroom in the nude. Mr. Van Snoot has lost all scrotal elasticity, and is now capable of tripping over his own testicles. No one will be allowed to go home until he trips over his own balls.
Corin: So, Dirk, how are those notes coming? Tell me about the Twerk Bot.
Dirk: The new Dual Ballistic Twerk Bot is fully equipped with gluteal hydraulics capable of generating enough bootiasmic force to shift the tectonic plates and leave the roads and sidewalks turnt up. It can exert 667,000 badonks per square inch, or roughly 15,000 buttpounds of pure butt force. It has nearly 96 feet of cushion for pushing the Earth out of its orbital trajectory.
Corin: How disappointed is its father with its life decisions?
Dirk: Extremely, Corin.
Corin: That sounds like quite a piece of technology.
Dirk: It is. The Dual Ballistic Twerk Bot is 20 stories tall but it pales in comparison to the new My Best Friend Bot weighing in at just over 300 grams and towering at exactly 11 centimeters. This thing fits right in your shirt pocket and will blow bubbles and brighten your motherfucking day. It projects pleasant imagery on nearby surfaces and it warms your heart.
Corin: Dirk. What the fuck are you talking about.
Dirk: IT WARMS YOUR HEART CORIN. IT WARMS YOUR HEART. IT STARTS AT THE BOTTOM, AND WARMS IT ALL THE WAY UP!
Corin: You mean that it starts to cook your heart, right? It starts to boil it in your own blood, right Dirk? RIGHT?
Dirk: Well, that is possible, sure.
Corin: And I’m sure it does other dangerous things too, right?
Dirk: Of course, of course.
Corin: Please elaborate on that.
Dirk: uhh… There’s very small parts, so it shouldn’t be used by children or put in the mouth. The metal is straight from DarkMegaChina, so it’s probable that it is radioactive and not at all the color you wanted, I mean, with enough exposure to these just awful color schemes you definitely risk permanent damage to all five senses. You will need corrective lenses for every part of your body especially your genitals.
Corin: Dirk, I think you’re fucking with me. I think you just made all of that up. I don’t think the My Best Friend Bot does anything life threatening at all. I think it’s bullshit. I think it’s shiny, happy, friendly, heartwarming goddamn bullshit. And clearly, not even the heartwarming that I like.
Dirk: I’m sorry, man. I just can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. I can’t live this lie. El Jardinero stepped on my dog, Corin. El Jardinero killed Ass MAximus, Corin. He didn’t do anything wrong. He just got stepped on. Why do bad things happen to good little puppies, Corin?
Dirk: WHat’s the point of a giant robot anyway? I made giant nanobots, Corin? How does that help anyone? They’re supposed to be small!
Corin: Dirk, get in control of yourself, man. You love explosions. You love mayhem. You love casualties. Go to your happy place. Breathe deeply from the diaphragm. Think big explosions. Think chemical burns, Think of a small child weeping in its mother’s arms, just the arms, the rest of the mother/s body is gone. No one knows where it is. Now exhale. We’re going to come back to Dirk in just a moment. Let’s do some more Kakos Industries corporate announcements.
The Division of Extreme Exercise has developed a new exercise machine. They tell me that this machine is capable of engaging all of the muscles in your body simultaneously. This includes muscles that we have conscious control over as well as muscles that we only have subconscious control over. Participants in early studies on the device have found themselves too tired to breathe, and with dangerously low heart rates at the end of strenuous sets. Those that have survived using the device have grown much stronger than before, and in very short periods of time. It seems that the time they have spent not exercising has been somewhat diminished in terms of quality, though, as the participants find they can only lay very still until they heal enough to exercise again. Were it not for the transfusion of nutrients provided by Kakos Industries, these people may well have perished like the others. The Division of Extreme Exercise would like me to remind all of you out there that everyone can always lose more weight. You can never be too evil or too thin.
I have news from the Sexual Innovation Division regarding their new female arousal gel. If you don’t remember, the female arousal gel works by systematically breaking down the fear and shame that women have associated with sex. The gel makes it so that women don’t fear violence from men, and also they no longer fear that others will judge them for their sexuality. The arousal gel also makes these women much larger in terms of musculature and stature. So far, we have had a lot of positive results in terms of confidence and overall arousal levels in the women, but there has been a snag. In one particular subset of these women, thick mustaches have grown in. What’s worse is that the behavior of these women has become intolerable. They have begun to harass the smaller men working in the SID, catcalling and getting handsy. These men have felt so uncomfortable going to work under these conditions that they have stopped showing up out of fear. It is important for me to emphasize that NOT ALL women in the experimental group have begun to exhibit these behaviors, but a significant minority may have just ruined the arousal gel for all of the other women. While it might benefit Evil in the short term to let these women out into the general populace, we are afraid that all we have done is trade one Evil for another, and that’s just not Evil enough.
Recently, a celebrity by the name of Danny Glenny has come under fire for making some disparaging remarks about a certain chosen people. In addition, he made some further disparaging remarks about a portion of the population with a much darker skin tone. As you can imagine this situation has been extremely embarrassing for Danny Glenny, and it has made a substantial mess in the media as a result. I would like to say just for the record that these were not actually Danny Glenny’s remarks, but those of our social sabotage ninjas here at Kakos Industries. While we at Kakos Industries are fully aware that race and religion are both figments of our collective imagination, it is difficult for us to resist terrorizing the lives of particularly vulnerable celebrities out there. Danny Glenny was the most recent victim. The social sabotage ninjas actually have a very complicated method of taking control of a human involving reaching deep inside of the rectal cavity, effectively making the person into a human puppet. The technique was invented by our Division of Assholes, which specializes in everything that has to do with assholes. Then the ventriloquism ninjas put the words in the person’s mouth, turning them into an insufferable racist, sexist, or antisemite. Please do not blame Danny Glenny for this. It is completely our fault, and we take full responsibility. This has been Things We’re Taking Responsibility For Now. Sorry.
Some say that the cleverest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he existed. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for Gold, Cryptocurrency, and Pubic Hair. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then we will use gold and cryptocurrency to hire someone to make you eat your own pubic hair. So there.
Elaine Chainey is the winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. For this reason, the life of her life long enemy, Florence Divino, will be ruined. The Wheel of Misery spun and spun and spun until finally arriving at Itchy as Florence Divino’s punishment for crossing Elaine Chainey, or whatever it is that made them enemies. We will be using specially designed fiberglass nanobots to provide Florence with a continuous all-over histamine reaction. For good measure, we will make Elaine Chainey’s skin slightly less sensitive overall. Congratulations on the win.
Corin: How’s it going, Dirk? What are you drinking?
Dirk: I’m drinking DarkMegaScotch from DarkMegaScotland, Corin.
Corin: Oh, okay…
Dirk: I miss my dog and I hate giant robots.
Corin: That’s no way to react. Your giant robots have killed all sorts of people and animals. Some of them were even endangered.
Dirk: I know, but… It’s just never been quite so close to home.
Corin: I get that, but you can’t let it get to you like this. Evil does hurt, and it can sometimes backfire. But you have to roll with the punches. You can’t get bogged down just because you didn’t realize what you were doing. You love giant robots.
Corin: You love giant robots.
Dirk: You’re right. I do love giant robots.
Corin: That’s the Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion that I know. Ass Maximus wouldn’t want you to stop doing what you love because of him. He would want you to be happy.
Dirk: You’re right, Corin. He would want me to do what makes me happy.
Corin: That’s right. Make some Giant Ass Robots!
Dirk: I’m going to make even more giant robots. Gianter robots.
Dirk: And they’re going to be even more badass.
Dirk: And they’re going to cause even more mayhem and carnage!
Corin: That’s the spirit!
Dirk: And on occasion, I’m going to make a small robot! A really cute and small robot that makes people happy!
Dirk: With really disappointing battery life. It makes you happy and then really sad and frustrated.
Corin: and we’re back!
Dirk: And no one’s going to question my masculinity!
Dirk: Thanks, Corin. You’ve been a great help. I feel reborn.
Corin: That’s good.
Dirk: I’m going to make some robots so motherfucking small and cute that it’s going to give people brain aneurysms!
Corin: So to bring this back to where we started, my Division of Badonkular physics says you should make the Twerk Bot’s rumpular ballasts 22 inches larger for optimum destruction. I feel much better now.
Dirk: I’ll get my best people on it.
And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. Feel free to smash your Kaboom Tube portable speaker whenever you feel like it. I honestly cannot care.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is proud to say that she has been rated consistently an 8/10 or higher. Special guest appearance in this episode by Anwar Newton. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered the butt?