In which we listen to some strange recordings, you open a can of noisy gas, we have a lot to unpack, and Marly McBigSuck “wins” The Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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Ryan: What you are about to hear is wild, uncouth, and unsavory, yet somehow sympathetic.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries, which makes all of this, for better or worse, my responsibility. There is no golden parachute at Kakos Industries. There is no cushy job at a competitor. There is no lifetime of consulting after working here. If I am no longer working here, then the greatest probability is that I am dead, and the other options are likely worse. I can’t be fired so much as I can be fired upon, though I am assured that will be reserved for only the most dire of circumstances. We call that job security. 

Shareholders, we all certainly have a lot to unpack after the last couple of months of goings-on here at Kakos Industries. First, there was the donut. Then there was an unfortunately contagious somnolence that didn’t give us much time to deal with the donut. There have, of course, been a few other things worth discussing, but everything in its due time, I suppose. What I can say for right now is that all of the metrics we have at our disposal seem to indicate that everything is within acceptable parameters, so we have some time to reflect finally. What’s that, Soundman? Yes, I’m aware that there is one anomalous reading. I have looked at it and I have determined that it is not that serious. We have people looking into it, Soundman. Shareholders, it occurs to me that I don’t always introduce Soundman Steven when it’s appropriate to do so, so perhaps I should do that now. Soundman Steven is in charge of the recording and broadcast quality for these announcements. He oversees the selection and placement of microphones. He oversees the acquisition of rack mounted equipment that ensures the highest signal quality and loudness standards. If you like what you’re hearing right now, then you owe quite a bit of that to Soundman Steven, my greatest ally when it comes to sharing important details with all of you listening. What’s that? Soundman, I didn’t mean that you were supposed to insist on what details I share. That is not your job. Yes, I can see the reading here. I was hoping that flattery might distract you, but I can see that your professionalism is clearly of the highest order and you will not be swayed. Fine. Shareholders, I have here a temperature reading for the Division of Influence. This is the division where we try to influence things either subtly or more dramatically. The Division of Influence is big on social media and they have their finger on the pulse of all of the trends. I would tell you a few of the things they recently influenced you to do for the sake of Evil, but I am forbidden to do so. They tell me that it might damage their ability to continue influencing, so I am not allowed to spill the beans. Yes, Soundman, I can see the reading. What makes you think that I need to deal with this? I have people who work for me who are supposed to deal with issues like this, especially during the announcements. Yes, I can see the temperature. Soundman, have you looked at the temperature of the surrounding offices? See, there is nothing to worry about. It is likely  a sensor that is malfunctioning. Soundman, it is not ten thousand degrees celsius inside the Division of Influence. It cannot be. There is nothing in there capable of reaching that temperature. Yes, I am aware that they are not responding. We are looking into it. The Division of Design is right next door and the sensors in there list it as twenty-three degrees celsius. How can the space next door be ten thousand degrees? How can the building continue to stand if that is the case? It is not. There is nothing to worry about.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from A Can of Sound. You might be wondering what A Can of Sound is and I can assure you that I do not know. I am told that this can came in through your incoming projectiles window in the usual way, and then at the correct time you opened the can. I am told that something about the design of the shape of the can allows it to receive this broadcast, and so long as some of the gas inside is escaping, you should be able to hear this transmission perfectly. I am told that the frequency response falls off a bit above ten kilohertz, and the bass is a bit anemic, but the overall sound quality is really impressive for gas leaking out of a can. I am told that this radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Cans and Morton’s Less Noble Gasses. Morton’s Less Noble Gasses deals primarily in those things that are gaseous at standard atmospheric temperature and pressure, but that behave in strange and sometimes unseemly ways. Where noble gasses refuse to bond with anything, these gasses often bond with everything. Some of Morton’s gasses will change the colors of anything they come into contact with. Some of them just smell bad. Others can reproduce sound. Apparently. I should mention that this broadcast is strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a Kakos Industries shareholder right now and you are somehow hearing these announcements, then I would move away from that can as quickly as possible. There is something suspended in the gas that our shareholders have been slowly immunized to over the last six months. If you are not a shareholder, then you are not immune, and you will need to do something Evil quickly to earn our respect and get the antidote. If you need a suggestion, might I offer that you can take candy from a baby. It’s an oldie, but sometimes the classics are the best. You can also rest easily knowing that when that baby matures and eventually enters into therapy, it will have no idea why it has such terrible trust issues. Get to it.

We recently had the Pajama Festival, the Festival of Brightly Colored Hats, and the Festival of Toast. Yes, all of those festivals actually happened. If you are a long time shareholder, then you certainly had not heard of any of those festivals before, despite the claims I made about at least one of them being thousands of years old. We had never had them before, but due to an obligation on the part of the Division of Dionysia, once I said that they were going to happen, I essentially wrote a check that their asses would need to cash. And so those festivals did occur. The Pajama Festival was a nice time for all of us to sort of just hang out in our pajamas. Originally, I suggested this would help with the insomnia that was going around, but as you’re probably put together, insomnia wasn’t quite the right word, and most of us were feeling a bit squamish about sleeping in too close of proximity to one another inside the Kakos Industries building. So we just hung out in our pajamas. I should have assumed that many of you would have a really loose definition of pajamas, but I was still somehow surprised. I believe that the least amount of clothing that was technically considered pajamas was a single scrunchy around the wrist of Spooner Forks. No one was complaining, but I would argue that wasn’t really in the spirit of things. The Festival of Brightly Colored Hats went pretty much as I had suggested it might, but this was largely because none of us had any idea how else to celebrate it. The Division of Dionysia scrambled to gather together as many brightly colored hats as they could from all of the neighboring bachelorette supply depots, eastern trading warehouses, and cowboy stripper boutiques. We wore the hats. We traded the hats. And we kept the hats for next year, assuming that we will need to wear them again. The Festival of Toast was pretty cool. We ate a lot of toast. There was a toast off. The part that I didn’t love was all of the jam bands. Yes, it’s a pun. But also, it was jam bands and who even likes jam bands when sober? The cleanup was a lot. 

We also had the CEO Festival of the Dance, which I did not announce on account of my semi-sleeping state, which would probably explain why it was so poorly attended. That being said, the participants who did show up were extremely into it, and danced their hearts out. There were only four of them, which means that fourth place was also last place, which means that last place got an all expenses paid trip to the MegaThrillz Theme Park in Christ Hole, Texas, where they were invited to test a number of the unfinished rides. You will be missed, Delilah. Spooner Forks won this year, and I think it may have had something to do with their dance attire. 

Coming up, we have The Festivals of Somnambulation and Fertility. They are two separate events, just like always for obvious reasons. I am told that the Division of Genetics is working on ways to make potential offspring tastefully blue and they’ve worked that into the Division of Fertility. And just because I now know what sort of power I have, we are also going to have the Festival of Barbecue, because I think that sounds nice. Make it so, Division of Dionysia. 

I want to go over everything that we need to talk about from last time and the time before, but I think I’ll go in slightly backwards order. There were many things that I dreamed about that I wasn’t sure about the truth of. Some things fell in the plausible range, even if I had no memory of them or context for them. I could have learned about those things while in a dream state, which then would have resulted in that feeling of uncertainty. What I can say for sure was that there was at least one detail of my dreams in particular that I was not at all expecting to be real. And then, I got another tape. Play it, Soundman. 

CD 1.5: Hey there, Corin. It’s your Grand Uncle Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. Just wanted to leave you this recording in case it would ever come in handy before my inevitable, untimely death due to some sort of strange circumstances that no one could have predicted. Anyway, here’s the advice. If you’re eating a lot of candy, make sure you’re brushing your teeth with a fluoride toothpaste. Oh, and don’t fuck any bog witches, no matter how alluring the aroma. Okay, take care. This is Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth, your grandfather’s brother with the same name. Don’t worry about it. Everything is cool. Be cool. Be cool, Corin. Okay, bye now.

CDIII: So this leaves me with a lot of questions, and unfortunately I don’t have the answers to those questions. I have to admit that I can’t say with any certainty if I remember ever meeting my grand uncle. I don’t recall my grandfather ever mentioning him either. I have to assume that there was some bad blood or other conflict that made his existence unknown to me. There is clearly something that I don’t understand. Alas, there is really only one option here, and that is to move on. I will continue to do my research and I will let you know what I find. 

Shareholders, some of you are still claiming to be able to see these announcements. While Morton’s Less Noble Gasses makes many gasses that can cause hallucinations and even spiritual experiences, the one we are using in this case should not be doing anything of the sort. If you’d like to learn more or help us understand what’s going on, head to KakosIndustries.com/see, that’s s-e-e. 

It’s now time for that segment where we answer a few of your questions about Kakos Industries. The question I have in front of me here simply reads, “How is it?” I guess it’s okay. Another question asks, “Hot enough for ya?” I suppose it is.

So when the last broadcast ended I awoke to find Mr. Sniffs licking my face. I was passed out in a hallway. I was not the first person to awaken, but there were many more who were still asleep. We are unsure what the problem was. I walked Mr. Sniffs down the various halls, and his saliva never once failed to wake up whoever was down. He is quite excellent at his job, and a very Evil boy. From what I was able to gather, the official story regarding our sleepiness and any sleep broadcasting I may have done was down to “overwork”, and had nothing whatsoever to do with the Man with the long long hat like some people are beginning to theorize. It’s fairly obvious that something else was at work here, but between the official story and the conspiracy theory, we may never find out. 

We have had some degree of success looking into the Donut, that stone I removed from the Matmos. It apparently resembles the Matmos in certain peculiar ways, despite being  a solid. On geological time scales, of course, the distinction between liquid and solid is a little fuzzier, so this may be another living thing. Samples of the stone, which were extremely difficult to separate, do show some kind of cellular structure, but our scientists are uncertain as of yet if that cellular structure is related to some kind of volcanic rock formation or something more lifelike. All I know is when I bring it out, Clarissa and Hedera, the Matmos twins, my liaisons to the Matmos, run away screaming, and that is just endless amounts of fun for me. Our research will continue. 

What’s that Soundman? Yes, I can see another tape has appeared. It’s the same handwriting as the other one. You want to play it right now? Well, maybe it will give us the answers we want. 

CD 1.5: Hey, there, Corin. It’s your grand uncle again. Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. I just wanted to drop you another message giving you some of my best advice. You know, I saw your grandfather doing something similar the other day, and I thought that it seemed like a pretty decent idea. So here’s my advice, Corin. Be sure to always give people your advice before you die mysteriously. If you’ve got advice in ya somewhere, be sure to share that when it matters. Before you die. Mysteriously. It’s vitally important to the transmission of information that you do it while you’re still on this side of the dirt. Oh, and  don’t ever let them take you alive, Corin. That’s more advice. Bonus advice. The bastards are out there. And they’re coming for me. But they won’t take me alive, Corin. Not while I know the secrets. I just have to make sure that I share all of my advice before they get here and we engage in our final showdown. Love ya like a sister. Have a great summer. Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. Don’t worry about it.

CDIII: I have even more questions now, Soundman. I don’t think that I should spend any time postulating, though. Let’s move on. 

JUNIOR: Hello, Corin. I was told that you wanted to see me.

CORIN: Junior, do you remember the old man ever having a brother?

JUNIOR: This is in regards to Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth?

CORIN: Yes.

JUNIOR: I’m not sure I can remember anyone as such, though father kept intolerable company a lot of the time. He never had what I would consider great friends. Most of the people in his circle were other users and nutcases, but most of them were far worse than him. When all you want to do is party, you can’t be too picky about who you associate with, you know. Especially as you get older. 

CORIN: So you don’t think he was an actual brother?

JUNIOR: If he was, I never met him. And he hasn’t come looking for any money. 

CORIN: I suppose that’s true. It’s kind of nice to think that there might be more family out there.

JUNIOR: I’m sure there is. Father was slinging that dick around everywhere. Perhaps some day we will find someone. Perhaps they are better off not knowing us. It is not for us to seek them out, though.

CORIN: Yeah, I know. 

JUNIOR: I will let you know if I remember anything.

CORIN: Thanks, Junior.

JUNIOR: Buh bye, now.

CDIII: I should probably address some of these divisions that I mentioned last time. The Division of Suspicious Ponytails has still been keeping an eye on Darren. He hasn’t made his move yet, but they are sure he will soon. So I guess this division is real. Mercifully, The Division of Wall Carpet does not exist. At least, not yet. There are also no dream filters that need emptying, as far as I know. 

The Division of Erotic Experiences is still working hard at their Satisficer prototype. They are trying to make it more applicable to more people. I am told that they have added what they are calling “The Appendage,” which is an extension that can form a variety of external shapes, ranging from fingers to whole feet. I am also told that when Dr. Dunkelwissen heard me talking about The Nocturnal Emitter, however, he made a sound like “Of Course!” so apparently they’re working on some kind of device that will help you to have sexy dreams. 

It is extremely unlikely that I was ever floating above the Hell labor camp, although I did receive a card from Meredith Gorgoro. It’s a postcard, and it says “Thanks for Stopping By!” It’s possible that she’s just fucking with me. That seems most likely. We are still trying to get to the bottom of her glowing rocks. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently reenacted the battle of Rage versus Snooze. Those are the exact same words I said last time, but they are actually true this time. While there were never any monsters that I am aware of that were made to represent the feelings of Rage or Snooze, that doesn’t mean that the battles can’t be enacted. Apparently, after they heard me say those words, they couldn’t get the idea out of their heads, and so they made it come true. Honestly, I don’t feel like anyone ever listens to me as closely as they decided to do for some reason during my unfortunate dream sequence. It would be great if my employees would listen to me like this when I give them regular feedback. Or maybe I just need to sleep more. Anyway, Rage versus Snooze was not at all how I thought it had happened in my dream, but seeing their interpretation was probably more fun anyway. 

I did some research into The Starry Place, which was a thing I mentioned during my dreams. It seems impossible, or at least unrealistic that this exists, but I was not able to come to a clear conclusion on the matter. A few people told me that this was not a line of inquiry that I wanted to follow, and I may have to take their word on that. 

I have a report here that the Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened a jar. A jar with a lock on it. Neat.

It is time for another employee spotlight. Today we are highlighting Thworton Ellouisey, who works in the Division of Annoyance. Now, you might think that this division specializes in creating annoyances, but you would be wrong. That’s the Division of Annoyances. Notice the plural S on the end of that one. No, the Division of Annoyance, led by Thworton Ellouisey takes on as much annoyance as they possibly can on behalf of others working in the building. If there’s a part of your job that you hate, there’s a decent chance that The Division of Annoyance will take it off your hands at least part time. This frees up the rest of us to do more important things with less friction. I am told that the Division of Annoyance seeks out those particularly masochistic and excessively patient types who really just revel in the agonizingly bothersome, and they put them to work. Thworton is apparently the best among them, taking the annoying tasks off the hands of over one hundred other employees. Thank you for what you do Thworton Ellouisey. 

They say that Evil once ate all of the chocolate anywhere nearby, causing a short term shortage, several deaths, and untold chaos. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for hole punches, getting whole punches, and drinking whole punches. Obviously, we can’t know for sure that we are responsible for all of these things, but we are. Get over it. Or you’re gonna get a whole punch. 

Marly McBigSuck has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Marly’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is The Curious Magpie. That is a person, and not a bird. We gave the Wheel of Misery a rough spin and it landed on the position for Polite. From this day forward, The Curious Magpie will be 37% more polite. This can and has ruined lives before. For Evil Measure, Marly McBigSuck will be 13% less polite. Depending on who you ask, that can be pretty problematic as well. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team responsible for making the life-ruining declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true, are currently wearing vulture costumes, complete with all of the excretions. Hooray. 

Soundman, I see the tape If you wave your hand at it one more fucking time, I’m going to break through your protective glass and I’m going to damage something expensive. Fine. Play the tape. I guess I’m pretty curious, too. 

CD1.5: Hey, there, Corin. It’s your Gruncle again. Grand uncle Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. I have the same name as my brother, your grandfather, for plausible family reasons. Anyway, I didn’t let them take me alive because I didn’t let them take me. I killed all those guys, Corin. That’s the best way to handle these situations. Kill all the other guys. That does mean that I have more time to share with you some of my most vital advice. Are you ready? This one’s a biggie. Here it comes. Eat Dessert. Dessert is tasty! You should definitely eat it when you get the chance. Yum yum, kiddo. Eat dessert. Here comes the airplane with the pudding. Open wide, Corin, and enjoy dessert. Always, always, always, eat dessert right up. Oh and while I’m thinking about it, never fly a plane if you’re gonna have a heart attack. It’s considered to be a foe pazz. And it’s rude. Okay, well, get back out there slugger. And keep that heart in decent shape if you’re flying. My arms are tired. From the killing. Not the flying. Okay, bye bye now. 

CDI: That was zero percent enlightening. We have to figure this out. 

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Your Can of Sound will eventually run out of sound, though I am told that it will likely continue for around an hour after the end of these announcements. I will say with certainty that you do not need to listen to that hour. There is nothing there for you. There is no more broadcast. Do not waste your precious time in your fleeting life. 

Look, Soundman, the Division of Influence has completely disappeared from the building. I told you there was nothing to worry about. The numbers are next. 

11

11

12

12

19

19

99

89

89

89

7

4

5

4

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle,  a neat looking gourd.

Special Guest appearance in this episode by Oliver Morris. You can hear more of his terrible voice on Kane and Feels.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Tooley, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who chopped all the garlic and Anastasia K, who put all the garlic in. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit some compost bins for their new gardens. This can only end well. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an antique Evil ketchup dispenser from the Internet. Whatever ketchup you put into it becomes Evil. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has rehired Mike again, but he is on thin fucking ice.  The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been working on a new method of communicating via long distance yodel. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Le Bacon. “It’s all bacon, but it’s tasty bacon. Not sure if it’s French. 3.9/7”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Oppenyummer.” For when microwaving isn’t nuclear enough.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by announcing a corporate rebrand. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been journaling extensively about what textures make them feel the most Evil. Microfiber has replaced silk at the top of the list but only because of severe texture issues.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that is thicc. It’s really damn thicc. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that has seven canonical legs. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked forty five porcupines using something like hook and loop fastener. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that introduces a flavor pack mechanic. The Division of Prospective Exoplanet Tourism, directed by Victoria Wood, has started working on a pamphlet for Glove Nexus IV. “Their latex parties are some of the best and some of the most mandatory for all workers”. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a romance about the two leather sofas in lounge 8C that we can all tell are just hurting for each other. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark; gather a group of your mystery loving friends and maybe you can get to the bottom of it.