In which we are introduced to the Woid, something is going on for sure, preparations are made for the Festival of Brightly Colored Hats, Corin needs to wake up, and Blath Bandia has “won” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.

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Ryan: What you are about to hear is reesty.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we specialize in helping our clients, and their clients, and their clients’ clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Shareholders, a lot happened last time, and I think that there’s definitely a lot that we need to discuss. That being said, I think we have more pressing matters today. As you are probably aware by now, we are having a little bit of a snafu here at Kakos Industries. That’s nothing unusual of course. We have snafus all the time. If you’ve been listening to these announcements for any length of time, then you’ve undoubtedly experienced a number of said disruptions to our functioning. That being said, I’m not sure that there has been a single event quite as dangerous as this one. I have to emphasize that Kakos Industries is in existential peril at the moment. The Division of Giant Cats has had a containment issue. Now, I can just hear all of you listening in your designated listening areas beginning to tremble with the implications of this. You already know where this is headed, or perhaps you are starting to allow your imaginations to run wild. Perhaps I should be clear. Right now, there are enormous, gigantic cats all around the building just causing untold trouble for everyone, and not just those of us who get stuffy noses around cats. I’m talking enormous cats of all shapes and colors just congregating where you don’t want them. I reached out to the Division of Giants Cats and this is what they had to say for themselves: “Corin, there is no such thing as the Division of Giant Cats. There has been a problem. You need to wake up.” Wow. I’ve never had a division speak to me in such an inappropriate manner. I think we can all see that this cat situation is quite serious. Some of you might be thinking, oh, but Corin, what’s wrong with the cute big kitties. And I say this to you, we have already lost seven hundred thousand employees to this catastrophe. 

That was a pun, wasn’t it.

Damn. Let’s move on. 

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from The Woid. You got your projectile box from your incoming projectiles window, and you opened it up, and of course, right there inside was The Woid, just like you always imagined it, just like you always knew it would be, just like you felt it MUST be. Just because it defies explanation doesn’t mean that it isn’t The Woid. Don’t ask yourselves too many questions that cannot be answered. Now is the time for acceptance of The Woid. The Woid comes to us from a collaboration between The Woid and our Division of Yeah, That Is Definitely The Woid. I am told that the Woid has an audio frequency spectrum that is perfectly flat in the audible range for all known life, and it is capable of producing stereo as well as many other surround-style sound environments. I mean, seriously, how great is The Woid? I have a blurb here from the team that worked on the project. “What the hell is The Woid? We gotta get him to wake up before he slips too deep.” Truly an impressive feat of… engineering? Conjuring? Woidening? Let’s go with that. 

Recently, we wrapped up the Festival of Self-Love, that festival where we love ourselves. I have been told that it is in fact okay to love yourself. Well done, everyone.

We also have some exciting festivals coming up in the next few weeks. First, there’s the Pajama Festival. I am personally very excited for this festival because it sounds really comfy, you know? I’ve been having terrible trouble with insomnia lately, so it would be really nice to just get really, really, really comfy and just let go. I think that would be nice for all of us, you know? I think it would be really beneficial for some of us to just give in to the feeling of sleepiness and just embrace that temporary oblivion, in our comfiest clothes of course. 

We also have the Festival of Brightly Colored Hats coming up. All of you are familiar with this festival, of course. We’ve been having it every year for nearly three millennia. We put on a variety of hats of different colors just to see how they make us feel. Do they make us feel fancy? Perhaps they do. I know that I feel fancy when I wear a variety of hats. I can’t say that I always like to wear hats, but there are definitely times when I like to wear a hat. And if I’m going to wear a hat, it had probably better be brightly colored. I mean, what else is the point right? The Division of Dionysia is preparing just a lot of hats for all of us to wear. Mid way through the event, we will need to lock eyes with one other person and trade hats. The hat we will be wearing at that point will then be our hat for the rest of the night. All of the hats must be returned by the end of the night or else we won’t have any hats for next year, and you don’t mess with four thousand year old traditions. 

Also coming up is the Festival of Toast. I could really go for some toast right now, shareholders. I bet you could too. Just imagine the warm breadiness of the toast, with perhaps some butter or margarine, maybe even some jam and clotted cream. Delicious toast. This Festival of course, celebrates toast in all of its varieties. We will have every kind of bread you can imagine, even stretching the definition of bread to its breaking point. We will have spreads and toppings. We will have debates about the appropriate order for adding the ingredients. We will also have the toast off, where you will be permitted to make your own toast creations and have them judged against other toast creations. This is my favorite festival every year and I cannot wait. I could really just go for some toast right now. 

I mentioned earlier that we are having some serious issues around Kakos Industries, but perhaps I was not specific about what those issues happen to be. Then again, I’m sure you have already noticed, shareholders. It’s really difficult to miss something so bizarre and unusual. I am of course speaking about all of the weird bathrooms that have been popping up around the building. They have ordinary doors and you can go inside like you normally would, but then the facilities themselves are so unusual. Some of the toilets are far too high and have you climbing a ladder to reach them. And once you’re up there, you’re so far above the privacy walls that everything you do is on display for anyone else in the vicinity. Other units have walls that are far too short, or only cover that part of you that isn’t doing anything that needs covering. Then there’s the toilets with the really large bowls. It just seems like such a waste of water when you come right down to it. Some of them are the size of the whole stall. Some of them are even larger. One I encountered was an entire lane of an olympic-sized swimming pool. I cannot imagine the environmental impact of flushing such a toilet. And you’d have to get all of the freaks and weirdos who are swimming in that lane of toilet to get out lest they be flushed as well. And that’s not even addressing the real problem, which is that using these facilities is completely pointless. Whatever you do in them doesn’t seem to count. The feeling that brought you to the bathroom in the first place never goes away. You have to find a real bathroom that actually works. We are looking into the problem. 

It seems that some of you out there are still reporting very clearly seeing these announcements and everything that goes on in them. Like with your eyeballs. Now, I can’t deny the capabilities of The Woid, which is still bringing you these announcements, but we are uncertain how you are seeing anything, and it is possible that you are not actually seeing anything at all. Perhaps you are dreaming. Who knows. If you’re curious to know more about this ongoing issue, please head to KakosIndustries.com/see, that’s s-e-e. 

It’s now time again for that segment where we answer some of your burning questions about Kakos Industries. The first and only question this week seems to be “What have the swans ever done to you?” The short answer is that they know what they did. The slightly longer answer is that it would be unwise to drag in outside parties to what is already a messy and complicated situation. You really do not want any part of this. I promise you. Just walk away. Walk. Walk away.

Last time we talked a lot about the Matmos and the troubles we were having with it. As you might remember, I was able to remove donuts from within the Matmos. A full baker’s dozen of donuts in fact. We know that these donuts are precious, which is why I have had the hardest time keeping people away from them. I don’t know what it is, but a lot of people keep trying to steal these donuts. I’ll just be out with the donuts, taking them for a walk, and then people will begin to follow me. They want the donuts inside the box. There’s one of each kind. You’ve got your normal donuts with chocolate and maple coatings. You’ve got your filled donuts. You’ve got your pink-flavored with sprinkles donut. And these donuts are so important, you guys. You have no idea how important these donuts are. They need to be kept safe. And people – whose Tabithas I will not mention – keep trying to get at these donuts. They follow me. They get really close to me. They chase me down the red clay hallway, splashing the red clay all over our clothes trying to get a donut. They try to distract me. They try to bargain with me. But these donuts are important. VIDs. Very Important Donuts. And they need to be protected. And they will not get stale on my watch. 

I should also address the insomnia that has been catching around the building. I first remember experiencing it maybe a few weeks ago, but it is persistent. At first I thought it was just me and that it might have something to do with stress or something like that, but then we found that a lot of us around the building were having the same issue. We were having sleepless nights filled with eerie waking dream states. We were lying awake at night, and instead of sleeping, we were just imagining things. Strange and unusual things. None of it seemed to match up from person to person, so that was encouraging, but still we couldn’t figure out what it was. I’m not sure that we have figured it out yet, in fact. The last update I got just says, “Corin, you need to wake up.” Whatever that means. 

JUNIOR: Meow.

CORIN: Oh, hey, Junior.

JUNIOR: Meow. Meow meow. Mraow meow mraow mrow.

CORIN: The ascension ceremony for the little ones was beautiful, it’s true. Seeing them dressed up in their little dress clothes was worth the price of admission. The price of admission being filling a woman up with as many genetic modifications as we could and then watching her explode into five little monstrous babies and then raising those babies with company resources.

JUNIOR: Meow. Mrawo mlep meow mrow. 

CORIN: I know that I resisted going, but you were right. The ceremony was fantastic. 

JUNIOR: Meow mrow mow mraow. 

CORIN: We are all very proud of them. Shareholders, you should be proud of them as well. 

JUNIOR: Mroaw. 

CORIN: Right. Talk to you later, Junior. Thanks for stopping by.

JUNIOR: Mroaw. 

CORIN: They really were cute up on the stage. They won’t remember a moment of it, but I think the rest of us were happy to see them prepare for their studies.

I have a report from the Division of Tasty Candy. They say that candy is actually pretty tasty, huh? They are trying out new sweets made from rare fruits like Marshmelon, Grahamana, and Toffeecot. These flavors are set to revolutionize the way we think of candy.

The Division of Wall Carpet has asked all of us to consider adding wall carpet to our homes. It’s like floor carpet, but it goes on your walls. They say that the texture is exciting, and more specifically that “Corin should wake up now please.” I’m actually kind of thinking about getting some wall carpet. 

I have some news from the Division of Hwhuh. They say… um. What did they say. Uh. Huh. Let me try that again. I have some news from the Division of Hwhuh. They really wanted me to share with all of you, that, um… they, uh… what they said was… um. Well, great things as always. 

The Division of Suspicious Ponytails has been keeping an eye on Darren. I have had my concerns about that ponytail and I’m glad that someone is finally looking into it. 

In addition to the terrible ice cream problem I mentioned earlier that is threatening the entire building here at Kakos Industries, I feel like the insomnia thing that’s going around is just making everything worse. I got this tape from my grandfather which is sort of related I guess. 

CDI: Hey, Corin, it’s your grandfather. I recorded this tape well in advance just in case you ever needed to hear something like it. I’ve probably done fifteen or twenty of these while I’ve been sitting here, just to make sure that I’ve got my bases covered. Anyway, this one is about waking up, Corin. Sometimes, I have to admit, it feels pretty nice to just sleep. It feels really great sometimes. Sometimes, there’s nothing we crave more than the restful oblivion of sleep, and nothing we need more. But other times, we have to wake up. In this case, you have to do the hard thing, pal. You have to wake up. You have to stop sleeping. You have to let go of the dreams. You have to wake up. All the way. Get out of bed, or wherever it is you’re snoozing, and get going. Have some coffee or other stimulants and just get the job done. Awake. You gotta wake up, kiddo. I know you’ll make the right decision. 

CORIN: So that was whatever. But then I got this other tape.

CD 1.5: Hey, there, Corin. It’s your grand uncle, Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. Yep, me and my brother, your grandfather, we have the same name. It’s fine. Don’t think about it too much. It makes sense. Anyway, I was thinking you should not listen to your grandfather, my brother, who has the same name as me, and keep on snoozing. Isn’t snoozing great? It just feels wonderful to snooze all the time. Wakefulness is bullshit. Just keep on snoozing you sleepy little monster. I love you and I definitely exist. I’m your gruncle Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. I definitely exist. Existed. And I think you should sleep ‘cause it’s great. And you wanna. So keep on sleeping champ. You’re the sleeping champ. Champion of sleep. You’re doing so great. I definitely existed at some point and then probably died mysteriously. Grand uncle Corin Deeth the One and a Halfth. That’s me. You remember me. From when I existed. In reality. Keep on sleeping. Lullaby and goodnight, Corin.

CORIN: I think we can all agree that the second recording makes much more sense. I’m not sure what my grandfather was thinking. It was probably something to do with drugs.

I visited the Hell labor camp in the usual way. That is to say I found myself floating far above the camp deep down in the cave system. I was able to watch everything from above with very little difficulty. It turns out that the glowing stones they’re mining are a rare glowing mineral that poses no risks to anyone, and they are mining them to make fun little balls out of them because they think they’re neat. I did see them carving a couple into figures that reminded me of Qurgurgurth, but I can’t say for sure. Meredith Gorgoro, the head of the Hell labor camp, waved at me smiling from below. She waved at me with that awesome monster arm. I still want one. It would just project so much authority. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently reenacted the battle of Rage versus Snooze. There was an experiment years ago where we made monsters that reminded us of the core human emotions, two of which being rage and snooze. I think we might have even collaborated with some of our competitors in a sort of show of Evil solidarity. Well, the monsters got out and it turned out that Rage and Snooze really hated each other, so they went at it. It was an epic battle that lasted for what felt like weeks, though it may have only been a few days. A few days of nearly constant fighting is going to make a significant mark in your memory. Anyway, Snooze won when Rage got tired out. Slow and steady as they say. 

The Division of Erotic Experiences has an update on the project they’ve been working on for a long time now, the Nocturnal Emitter. For those of you who have forgotten, the Nocturnal Emitter is a device designed specifically to give you sexy dreams. It hacks into your subconscious while you sleep and it takes away all of your nightmares and weird dreams, and replaces them with sexy dreams. For some people, this is the only time they feel comfortable being sexy and we need to reach people where they’re at. I don’t need this device, personally, because I have had enough weirdly sexy dreams for one life. Like all the ones with the Matmos Twins. And the ones with Kimmie. And the ones where the Matmos Twins and Kimmie are actually named Tabitha. And so is Melantha. And then there’s like a hundred Tabithas. Those dreams are a lot of work, let me tell you. Those are the dreams you need a nap after. Anyway, I am told that the bug with the Nocturnal Emitter where some of the time you would be having sexy times with sexy alien beasts that would be slowly eating you has been resolved. They are still working on limiting the dreams about your middle school science teacher, however. I have here a message from Jasmine Aashna, one of the heads of the department, about the device. She writes, “Corin, you need to wake up. It’s a matter of life and death.” Really just some amazing things they’re coming up with.

I have a report here that the Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has opened a door to the starry place. This is something I know they’ve been working on for a while. The starry place is a really neat place to float around if you like floating. There are all these neat stars. You can even touch some of them. I’m really not sure why the starry place was kept behind a locked door. It’s really just a lot of fun. It’s very soothing to be in the starry place. You just have to be careful not to float too far away. The net they use to catch you is only so long.

It is time for another employee spotlight. Today we are honoring Arnold Skeen. For those of you who are unaware, Arnold is responsible for cleaning out our dream filters. As you can imagine, working with Evil as much as we do, it’s very difficult to avoid having some really nasty dreams. If you spent all day euthanizing failed experiments, that has a way of leaking into your subconscious. You’re going to have some dreams. You’re going to be on the receiving end of whatever cruel or terrible treatment you spent the whole day doing. That’s why we have dream filters. You’ve probably heard of dream catchers, well, these filters are the high efficiency version of that, reducing night time terrors related to your job activities to an absolute minimum. Arnold is responsible for cleaning out these filters at the end of every day here at Kakos Industries. The trouble is that, no matter what gear you wear or how careful you are, you’re going to come into contact with everyone else’s bad dreams at some point, which will contaminate your subconscious. Arnold takes on this task with fearless determination, saying that he likes bad dreams. They’re better than no dreams at all. Thank you for what you do Arnold.

They say that Evil once put a whole town to sleep and then just moved all their stuff around before they could wake up. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for carrots, rabbits and the fact that you need both carrots and rabbits or you’ll literally die. Now, of course we can’t know we for sure did these things. But I am saying it with some degree of force, and statistically speaking, you’re pretty likely to believe me. And if you don’t, then the Woid is right there. What are you going to do, hurt it’s feelings? No one is that cold. 

Blath Bandia has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Blath’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Jennnn. There’s some extra Ns in there. We gave the Wheel of Misery a careful turn and it landed on the space for Perplexing. From this day forward, Jennnn will be 44% more perplexing in all situations. This can be advantageous when mystery is called for, but it’s a pretty big problem in pretty much all other situations. For Evil measure, Blath will be 13% less perplexing. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team responsible for making the life-ruining declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true, are currently wearing nothing but variously sized googly eyes. I have to amend what I said in a previous broadcast. This is the most Them they have ever looked. 

Oh, and it looks like I have just one more Division to cover today. I don’t know how I missed this one. The Division of Gibberish says “gloop a loopy whee, ting tong tinkaney. Tololooie whappadoo, skiddley waffa wappa maroo. Toop toop skiddly bee. Tip top teedley whoo.” Could that… could that be true? I… I am dreaming aren’t I? I have to wake up. Um…

Shareholders, that brings us to the end of the broadcast. I don’t really know what to tell you to do with the Woid. I have to sort a few things out, so I’m going to leave you to deal with this one on your own. The numbers are next.

7

7

7

6

7

7

7

6

3

6

5

44

13

6

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle,  a sidekick with a heart of gold and a penchant for sacrifice.

Special Guest appearance in this episode by Oliver Morris. You can hear more from them on Kane and Feels.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who got the kill, Rocket who mixed the spices, and Anastasia K, who filled the sausage casing. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit a sea of sunflowers for their new gardens. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has restored the old Evil Receiver. Whatever you connect to it will be made much more Evil and then amplified. It also has RIAA equalization built in. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has fired Mike. Again. The repercussions of this will be felt, if only subtly.  The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been adding diphthongs and half-syllables to every word they say. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed All the Beans. “It truly is every single bean. 3.7/6”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Caffeinated Cooking.” Now not even your food can escape the corrupting influence of caffeine.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by announcing that there will be new ownership at work, but nothing will change for the employees. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been journaling extensively about what textures make them feel the most Evil. Silk is winning for now.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that makes you draw every single other card, including the ones in your opponent’s hand. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that has a way of hissing that sounds like obscenities. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked thirty eight zebras. The zebras were all thoroughly intoxicated. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that introduces paintable figurines. The Division of Prospective Exoplanet Tourism, directed by Victoria Wood, has started working on a pamphlet for Crab Percington IV. “The atmosphere has just enough nitrous oxide to keep you pretty lit”. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a animal-themed coffee shop alternate Universe story about the Kakos Industries C-Suite. Mr. Sniffs is the only human. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be bark, bark babarkabork bork.