144 – Missing
in which the effort to contact the Matmos has grown more urgent, someone important has disappeared, and the Smartest Ass has “won” The Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Ryan: What you are about to hear is nothing at all when compared to the scale of the cosmos but still much larger than you.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help everyone everywhere to Do Evil Better, whether they know it or not. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries.
Last time, shareholders, we had managed to get a communication device up and running that allowed us to speak to the Matmos. The Matmos, if you happen to be new, is that inky black sludge that tends to be just about everywhere here at Kakos Industries, and we more or less recently discovered that it was capable of thought, and subsequently capable of something in between a tantrum and an uprising. Unfortunately, we later found that the Matmos we were communicating with was actually just one particularly nerdy pool that goes by the name Bartholomew. Bartholomew uses his people, those who are brought into his hive mind by consuming some of him, to work on hobby electronics.
Our team has continued the conversation with Bartholomew because there is at least something to try to glean from him, but other than that, it is not exactly what we set out to do. We have renewed our efforts to communicate with the Matmos in light of some recent events, but I will get to that later.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from some sort of video game controller. It appears as though this controller was designed for the use of around four hands and one agile tentacle, or perhaps an arm, but in the octopus sense. We do not know what console this controller was designed for. It seems like it may have been an internal project some years ago to increase global Evil through video games, but either the project fell apart, or we simply found that video games tended toward Evil without us doing anything at all.
This controller is incredibly unwieldy, and perhaps the greatest Evil it will do is to confuse people on gaming history programs for years to come about what it could mean. They will be doing these programs at great risk to themselves, however, due to the Inherent Danger of the device. That danger is not of your concern for now, nor will that danger come into play during these announcements assuming two things: one, that you are a Kakos industries shareholder, and two, that you destroy the device when you are told to.
If you are not a Kakos Industries shareholder and you are currently hearing these announcements, then unfortunately, there is only one way for you to move ahead with your health intact, and that is to become a Kakos Industries shareholder as soon as possible by engaging in some sort of Evil activity. If you’re by yourself and you’re wondering how you can do enough Evil to save your life, then we have a suggestion. You could create a new swear word to rival all swear words. Admittedly, this will take some serious creativity, and you may not be up to the task, but your life is on the line after all, considering the danger you are in. Be very creative. Mix and match from other swears and curses. Welcome in other languages. And then to seal the deal you’ll need to introduce this new curse to the world. I recommend screaming as loud as you can so the most people hear it.
Regarding the second point, there is significant danger if you do not destroy this device, but the notes I was given earlier indicate that I should keep you guessing because it’s more fun that way. It could be anything. One way or the other, this device deserves your respect, as does our Division of Radio Transmission and all of their hard work that went into making it into a radio. I am told that they collaborated with Old, Weird, and Wonderfully Evil Toys, an Internet program that specializes in restoring devices like this to make this radio a reality. Old, Weird, and Wonderfully Evil Toys was not allowed to keep even a single device. You will not hear about it on their program, or we will know, and The Danger, of course, will be there.
Shareholders, the reports continue to come in that many of you are seeing these announcements, or at the very least something sort of like these announcements. I have to insist that this is not possible. There are no cameras. There are no other video recording devices. There are no super powerful algorithms creating visuals based on assumptions it has made about me and my appearance and what a broadcast should look like. I have to inform you once again that what you are seeing isn’t real. You aren’t seeing anything, at least not of this broadcast. And if you are seeing anything, I would not trust it. I would not trust your eyes. I would not take anything you’re seeing as the truth. But you can enjoy the visuals all the same, I suppose. They’re not doing any harm, at least not as far as we can tell at this point. If you are seeing these announcements, or you know someone who is, or if you simply want more information about this situation, then allow me to direct you to kakosindustries.com/see, that’s “see” s-e-e. Perhaps together we can get to the bottom of this conundrum.
Last time we continued an important segment where we allowed you to submit your questions about Kakos Industries such that we might be able to enlighten you a bit about our shadowier dealings. Most of the questions that have been coming in are still in regards to Mr. Sniffs, our Chief Compliance Officer, who is also a dog, and not a super intelligent GMO dog. We tried that once and it was a bad situation. No, Mr. Sniffs is an ordinary dog that just happens to be great at enforcing compliance. I took care of a few of the questions with that description, and we took care of a few of the other questions when we told him he was an Evil boy, and we gave him a treat. To answer the most popular question still remaining, yes, I did give him some belly rubs. I admit that playing with Mr. Sniffs was a moderate stress relief activity, which is something everyone has been encouraging me to do – forever.
The other most popular question was “Who is the man with the long, long hat?” I got nothing on that one. I do not know the answer to that question. I don’t know who you are talking about. I cannot think of a single man with a long, long hat that is of any prominence here at Kakos Industries. It’s just weird that seven unrelated people all asked that question at once. Oh well. Let’s move on.
Did you have fun at the Festival of Nudity, shareholders? Just like most years, it snuck up on us, but that’s kind of the most exciting thing about the Festival of Nudity, is it not? It just kind of happens sometimes, spur-of-the-moment-like. It’s spontaneous, and that’s what makes it feel so nice when it happens.
We are told that arriving at the event felt a bit like walking into a room, but forgetting why you had gone in there, and then also realizing you were naked, and then also hearing hot-ass dance music coming from somewhere nearby. Obviously, this might have been a little disconcerting for some of you, but if you’ve been a shareholder for a while, then you’ve probably learned to roll with the punches, and you’ve also been naked in front of strangers enough times that the feeling isn’t quite as uncomfortable as it once was.
Once we got over that initial awkwardness and realized that we were all beautiful and worthy of acceptance no matter how our physical form may be or may have changed over the years, then it was time to party, and party we did.
We also had the Darkest Universe Festival. After I mentioned the hypothetical possibility of an infinite funnel pouring innocent lives into a hell-like dimension specifically to point out that we couldn’t hope to compete with a Universe like that, some of our staff in the Division of Thrill Ride Testing had an idea. In addition to humming and chanting and wishing for the darkest Universe, and attempting to turn innocent people to stone with our minds, we also had a new thrill ride for all of you to test out. It was kind of like a funnel, but you slid down the funnel in a spiral configuration before falling into a heated pool filled with red LEDs. There was also a lot of extra ride before the slide part down the funnel into the representation of a literal hell dimension made from a swimming pool, but that was less a part of the metaphor and more a part of the Division of Thrill Ride Testing’s commitment to excellence. Initially, we thought that the ride would work like most slides, but due to design constraints, it ended up that we needed to lubricate the whole thing, and at that point it became clear that all of the people going on the ride would need to be naked so as not to ruin their clothes, so those of you who did go on the ride were sent kicking and screaming into the hell-dimension-slash-swimming-pool naked as the day you were born. At that point, filling the swimming pool with additional lubricant just made sense. Things did get a bit messy, but the important thing is that you made it to the end, and we all wished for a darker Universe, and I think we just might get it.
Coming up we have the Festival of Mud, which is a combination of the Earth and Water Festivals. It really becomes more of an Earth Festival, but the Water Festival makes us think about Kakolantis-slash-Prosperiana, and just how happy they are down there under the ocean, living in their utopian civilization despite our best efforts to nudge them into a mercantile hell of their own making. So anyway, we’re having the mud festival. I am told we are working on some fun consistencies of mud, and there might even be some quick sand, so you can finally use those skills you’ve been preparing for the last thirty years.
Now that we have reached the point in the announcements where I have most of the mandated subjects taken care of, I suppose I can talk to you about the thing I mentioned a bit earlier. Kimmie has disappeared.
If you’re wondering who Kimmie is, then I should tell you that she is a close friend of mine who was also once the leader of a weird robot-themed cult, and was also once a part of a relationship that we were keeping a close eye on because meddling in the affairs of others just kind of felt Evil. She sometimes stays at my place, but not always, and people have made certain assumptions. I suppose it’s hard not to. When you’re socialized to think that every person of one kind is after a person of another kind, and when they find each other, they then isolate themselves from everyone else to start a family, then it’s easy to see a situation and assume things. We at Kakos Industries know of course that these prescribed arrangements are often not the right thing for everyone and that there are many other ways to organize ourselves and pursue romance and happiness.
I am not denying romance with Kimmie, but the reaction from those around me has been a bit overboard to say the least. I mentioned that Kimmie disappeared, which is not entirely true. We have an idea where she went, and the evidence seems to suggest that she was infected by Matmos. It seems that she went into the bowels of Kakos Industries, down deep into the basements with the goal of being united with the rest of the Matmos, or whatever it is that happens down there. So, what evidence do we have that this is the case? Well, the vial of Matmos that I was given some time ago in case I ever wanted to join the Matmos again was missing a small amount. Then again, the amount in the vial seems to fluctuate from day to day, so it’s possible she was infected elsewhere, but this missing amount seemed more significant. Some was left behind, but some was gone, or so it seems.
Then there was the path that she took, which mirrored the path that Clarissa and Hedera, my liaisons to the Matmos, had led me on when they took me to meet with some of their group way down below. We don’t have cameras that go all the way down, so it’s impossible to know for sure. I also don’t remember the path we took, so I couldn’t go looking for her if I tried.
The third piece of evidence is Clarissa and Hedera. If you’re unfamiliar, these two tend to behave like… I don’t know. Bratty inanimate objects? They refuse to tell me anything important, and it seems like it’s a huge ask any time I need to know something about the Matmos. They don’t want to do anything at all ever. Anyway, they told me that they could feel her, if only faintly. They felt like she had joined their pool, which, to my understanding, is the main pool where most of the Matmos is. I called them conformists because of that one time and they screamed until I left them alone.
Anyway, they can feel Kimmie, who was certainly trying to get closer to them for various reasons including intel acquisition and probably a crush or two. They said that one unfortunate side effect of Kimmie being a part of their group was that they now felt attracted to me, and that they hated themselves for that fact. They said that the amount of sexual awareness and desire that Kimmie was able to maintain after getting the Matmos in her was unusual. I’ve mentioned before that the Matmos seems to make sex better, but at the same time, you don’t see many of the people with Matmos in their systems engaging in sex much. It ordinarily has a somewhat dampening effect on desire, apparently. They say that Kimmie seems to have an incredible force of will, which is a sentiment I have to agree with.
Now, I am able to understand all of this and take it in stride. If Kimmie wanted to do something else, then that was always her choice. She knows that she cannot be close to me with the Matmos in her system, but some opportunities require making changes elsewhere in your life. That being said, when the news first broke, Grace informed me that she would be beginning the Breakup Ritual, which is apparently called for whenever someone in a position like mine is involved in a breakup of some sort. I told her that I wasn’t involved in a breakup because that would require some kind of agreed upon arrangement, which is not what we had. Grace disagreed. She then blew into some kind of horn, and then more Tabithas than I had seen up until this point came from all over to gather around me. There was such a spectrum of Tabithas that it seemed all of humanity must have been represented among their ranks. Grace started to walk away as she sounded the horn again, and all of the Tabithas started to undress.
I had forgotten what this situation was like. Most of the Tabithas had to go home when we started most of our staff working remotely. I don’t know how it escaped my attention that they had returned. Now, if you’re new then you might be wondering who the Tabithas are, and if they are all named Tabitha. It does appear that they are all named Tabitha, yes, or some variation on that name. There are more masculine versions of the name Tabitha, but they are escaping me at the moment. Who they are is a bit more complicated. They might be kind of like a fan club of mine, but it also might go much deeper than that into the history of Kakos Industries, and the role of CEO. They may serve some supposedly grander support function. The way that works out, they typically try to have sex with me. I have avoided that as much as possible because I personally don’t like the idea that it’s anyone’s job to take care of me in that regard. And let’s be real, if you see literally dozens of people undress in front of you for an impromptu orgy, you might have some concerns as well. The surprise alone is enough to scare most people. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know that some of you listening to this right now, or even supposedly viewing it somehow, have a super human ability to turn toward the sexual, to lean into the sexual, to dive into the sexual. I am not that person, and I got away as quickly as I could.
Since then, the Tabithas have been back at it, showing up at any opportunity to try to help me. I didn’t ask for this, you know? I didn’t ask them to do any of this. At least if I’d asked, it would feel like I was in control in some way.
Anyway, we’ve been moving ahead in our attempts to communicate with the Matmos. Kimmie’s disappearance has accelerated things. And to be clear, this acceleration isn’t entirely on my behalf. I’m not the only person that Kimmie left behind. She also left behind Eddie. Eddie has been pretty down about the whole thing. Kimmie and Eddie had become best friends, at least from my perspective, and Eddie is a lot slower to make new friends. While Eddie and I are also friends, it’s pretty clear that it’s not the same. I don’t make robots or sculptures, or anything of the sort. We don’t have that common ground. So I’ve done my best to comfort her, but it’s pretty clear that this is an emotional wound that will take some time to heal. Assuming that Kimmie does come back, she and Eddie will be able to pick up where they left off, even if Kimmie and I cannot do the same for security reasons. So, we’re trying to get her back. At one point when I was getting a beer with Eddie to talk about stuff, a bunch of Tabithas appeared to try to convince me to “blow off some steam”. I have never seen Eddie disappear from a situation faster. On the one hand, I was impressed. On the other hand, I no longer had the excuse that I would have liked to use for why I was busy.
The people in the other cloaks belonging to the smaller pools of Matmos seem to be unaffected by Kimmie’s presence, which is not surprising. They are supposed to be separate. That said, it seems like there have been ripples of this change going through their various communities. So they have been leaving me alone more. That does mean fewer dead animals presented as gifts, and I’m on board with that.
The Division of Erotic Experiences has some updates on the Satisficer, that sex toy that is supposed to be able to satisfy literally anyone. Apparently the decals that were intended to make the device seem more submissive so they could reach a larger audience weren’t working, so they are considering alternative layouts that make it feel less like you’re trapped inside the machine once you put it on. They are also looking at ways to allow the device to transform into different shapes should you desire to take a more active role in using it. The trouble right now seems to be that the transformations have the potential to catch things in places and then pinch them really badly, and none of us want that.
Our financial department has asked me to remind all of you about Evil bonds. Yes, Evil bonds. These are a financial product that you can buy now with real money, and they will pay dividends in Evil for years to come. If you finance our Evil operations, no one can ever question how Evil you are, and around these parts, that means safety. Talk to your Kakos Industries financial planner today about Evil bonds.
CORIN: Oh, hey, Junior. You’re still looking reduced.
JUNIOR: Thank you. My reduction has been working out well. It seems when I’m a more manageable size, people and monsters can’t seem to keep their hands off of me. I’m a hot commodity, Corin.
CORIN: So it seems. What can I help you with today, Junior?
JUNIOR: It’s not what you can help me with, it’s what I can help you with, Corin.
JUNIOR: I’m here to talk to you about the ladies, Corin. I know you’ve just gone through a rough breakup.
CORIN: I didn’t really.
JUNIOR: You need to get back out there as soon as possible, Corin. Mix it up with some randos. You need a rebound.
CORIN: Why are we doing this? Why are you doing this?
JUNIOR: Corin, I care about you as much as it pains me to say that, and this business needs you operating at one hundred percent. At least while you’re running it, which I still contend is a foolish, short-sighted decision. We need to get you laid, Corin.
CORIN: No we don’t. I’m okay, I promise, and things will happen when they happen. Probably at one of our hundred festivals where people have sex.
JUNIOR: Corin, I know that you’re hurting, and it seems like things will never be the way they were before. It seems like you’ll never enjoy anything again.
CORIN: It doesn’t seem like that. I’ll be fine. I have to let her make her own decisions.
JUNIOR: Yes, well, that doesn’t make it hurt any less, does it?
CORIN: Junior, I’m not going to do this right now.
JUNIOR: Okay, well, you know where I am should you want to talk. You know, Corin, I think it might be time. It might be time for another.. motherfuckin’–
CORIN: I’ll think about it.
CORIN: We’ll talk later, Junior.
JUNIOR: Excellent. Stay strong, king.
CORIN: Don’t call me king.
JUNIOR: Ha! Tata.
I apologize for that interruption, shareholders. There’s a sign and a light on the door that says we’re live, it’s just that everyone ignores it. I think they think they’re adding flavor to the broadcasts, or less charitably, they want to embarrass me. One or the other.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment’s performance of Mothula vs Gnatsty was incredible, as we all knew it would be. The wires and pulley system was very exciting to see in person, and while it was a bit awkward, that just added to the excitement and the danger. I am very excited to see what they come up with next.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has unlocked an ordinary lock with an ordinary key.
That’s what the report says. It doesn’t say what they found. It doesn’t say if the lock was on a door or a chest or a box, or even a car. I suppose it could have been a lock all by itself. They added, “nothing to see here.” I’m going to choose not to think about this and maybe nothing will come of it.
It is now time for another Employee Spotlight. Today we are spotlighting Alvin Booles. I am told that it is Alvin’s job to tell whether things at Kakos Industries are upside down or not, and that he’s amazing at this skill, and that it is also a lot harder to know when things are upside down than you might think. Thank you for your service, Alvin.
I am told that some of the forced workers in our Hell labor camp have started to glow. This could be the result of the enlightenment they are now supposedly achieving through hard work, or something else could be at play. Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in this labor camp, has not started to glow. She still does have that incredible monster arm and I still want one and they won’t let me have one and I really just think that’s unfair.
We are looking into the glowing situation. From a distance.
They say that Evil once flooded the entire Earth just to see what would be left afterwards. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for fake people, inauthentic events, and your continued isolation. Now, obviously, we can’t know for certain that we did these things, but I really have to tell you that we feel really strongly about it that we did, and you would be safer on our side of things, you know?
The Smartest Ass has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Yup, that’s a real name. We don’t need to add any more problems to what is clearly a problematic existence by drawing further attention to it.
As a result of this win, the life of the Smartest Ass’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis happens to be Jimothy Jensen. We gave the Wheel of Misery a sturdy spin with great core support, and it eventually landed on the position for decisive. From this day forward, Jimothy Jensen will be 40% more decisive in all situations, having little intolerance for indecisiveness, even when there may be reasons to withhold judgment. I think we can all understand how this might quickly ruin a life. For Evil measure, the Smartest Ass will be a little bit more indecisive, which will be annoying and a waste of time at the very least. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad, the team responsible for making the life-ruining declarations of the Wheel of Misery come true, are currently wearing skirts that are so long that they have become dresses. You see, the Wheel of Misery hands down orders for what they should wear in a given situation and it has ordered them to be wearing very long skirts. In an effort to trip slightly less over how long the skirts are, they have pulled them way up, which some authorities tell me makes them technically dresses. They are still tripping over them, however.
This brings us to the end of our announcements, shareholders. I understand that some of you may be feeling the way that my staff is about recent events in my personal life, but I have to tell you that I am fine, and you do not need to do anything, unless of course you have an interest in purchasing Evil bonds, in which case I would encourage you to do so.
You will need to smash that controller with whatever heavy object you have around to destroy it. Do not attempt to reassemble it, or The Danger will return. You have been warned. The numbers are next.
BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, an example of full on beast mode.
Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who spun the grindstone, Rocket who sharpened the ax, and Anastasia K, who cut down the weird tree that was bothering us. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the sports teams. It doesn’t seem like they know what sport the teams play, or what a sport is for that matter. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old acoustic instrument that only plays the wrong notes and the notes that pull the sorrow out of you. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has made it super awkward, cutting down on chitchat dramatically. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping a short story titled “The Little Duck Who Couldn’t Give a Fuck”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Everything is Steak. “Everything was indeed steak shaped. 3/4”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Now You’re Cooking with Booze”. If you last until the main course, you may have a problem. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by making the fluorescent lights suck that much more. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been taking long walks really diving into those thoughts about what it is that makes Evil so much fun. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that actually gets you laid, but you might choose not to play it based on the circumstances. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that just fucking loves feet. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a whole two hippopotamuses. If you don’t think that’s enough, you can take it up with the hippopotamuses. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that has a slightly different typeface and color scheme and it is noticeable. The Division of Prospective Exoplanet Tourism, directed by Victoria Wood, has started working on a pamphlet for Omicron Polaris. There could be water and lots of trees. We’ll find out when we all get there. The Division of In-Office Fan Fiction, directed by Kristina Kirkland, has started to write a slice of life fiction about Mary the Lion Tamer, but like on a day off when she doesn’t deal with lions. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos industries can be dark, write a poem about it to process your feelings.