14 – Bring Your Daughter to Evil
In which the Celebration of the Dance is recapped, though still contested, preparations are made for the Festival of Fertility, Hailey Solomonari joins the broadcast, the Division of True Neutral collaborates with the Division of Pharmaceutical Excellence, the Division of Poetic Insight drops some knowledge, Kakos Industries takes responsibility for some chemical dumping, and Aaron Baloney wins the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear should be played loudly so that your neighbors know to never talk to you again.
Please continue to dance. I know that I told you you could stop when you heard my voice again, but you must continue. The dance off has been concluded, but there is a ruling under contention at the moment. I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to stop dancing just yet. This ruling may take some time, and the Celebration of the Dance cannot end until all is settled. Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate announcements. Here at Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. As always, I am Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries, your humble and faithful servant during these announcements, and your merciful and graceful overlord at all other times. One could argue that I don’t actually control any of your lives directly, but if you look around at everything in your life in which I could have had a part, it is at least possible that I am the grand orchestrator of all life events for a few of you out there. I’m not going to name names, but I will say that your suspicions are well founded, and your paranoia is appreciated.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from whatever media you would ordinarily be enjoying at this time. It does not matter if that is archaic television, old timely radio, some sort of lesser streaming service, or something that exists offline only, such as one of those printed and bound editions called books, or perhaps an orgasm. Whatever it is that you are experiencing at the moment has suddenly, though perhaps expectedly at this point, turned into the sounds of my voice. You might be wondering how we have been able to do this. Well, it seems that our scientists in the Division of Subliminal Massage have finally perfected their method of preparing minds to accept messages of a secretive nature. Each of you has unknowingly been prepared for just this message through the last several installments of these announcements. New shareholders were treated with the necessary blips, bloops, and bleeps through other means. The radio signals being sent from our main tower and hundreds of booster stations are running into antennae made inside of your head by the thoughts that you are having right now. Neural pathways have been formed inside of your head that have been molded over time into the shape of small receivers perfectly tuned to our broadcasting frequencies. You might be wondering why we have only used this technology to broadcast to our shareholders and not for larger, more nefarious purposes. The reason is that Kakos Industries shareholders have a certain… susceptibility that is not present in the general populace. At least not yet. I understand we needed to open several new divisions of Kakos Industries to accomplish this. They were summarily closed because our favorite bridge is a burned bridge. Or one with a Kakos Industries Bridge Troll underneath. Be careful not to deviate from the thoughts we are anticipating you to have or you will lose the broadcast entirely. If you lose the broadcast, you may end up tapping into the Kakos Industries Muzak station, and those boring, half-assed tones may never leave your subconscious. If you think that this week’s radio may be a bit invasive, bouncing radio waves off of your thoughts, you’re probably right, but that’s just how Kakos Industries do. If you find yourself having persistent auditory hallucinations of my voice, or perhaps even visual hallucinations of my face after the broadcast, then you may have a serious problem and should contact us immediately. I’m not saying that we will do anything to help you, but I think it’s funny, and I want to know.
Thank you all for participating so enthusiastically in the celebration of the dance. I half-heartedly apologize on behalf of all of us here at Kakos Industries for your necessary continued involvement. I have to say that I have never been so proud of all of our shareholders. You really danced your hearts out and showed us your soul. I’m using soul in the metaphorical sense, because we have still failed to find any evidence of a literal soul existing. I have reports of square dancing in between cubicles, twerking on work refrigerators, crumping in hallways, breaking in supermarkets, tapping in bedrooms, and arabesque-ing in sports bars. We finished the dance off technically, but some points have been debated. The points in question belong to Douglas Mulroney, who attained the envious ranking of sixteenth place. I understand that these points will not amount to changing Douglas’s ranking in any real way, but he is an annoying stickler. If you were looking forward to getting some rest after this long Celebration of the Dance, you can thank Douglas Mulroney for your ongoing physical jamming. His home address has been sent to each of you in case you want to voice your frustration in person. Or murder him. The uncontested winner of the dance off is Kitty Maloister, expert prancerciser. She earned the majority of her dance off points through exhibiting excessive camel toe. It seemed as though it was not just the material of her leggings that bent and stretched around her lady parts, but also the fabric of space and time. We look forward to the subsequent internet video remixes. I didn’t write down second or third place, because really, who cares, but fourth place was taken by Danny McWamma, who will be lucky enough to be on the maiden voyage of the Thunder Master Wizard Seizure 5000, which is a yet-to-be-completed Rollercoaster developed by our Division of Thrill Ride Testing, and housed in the MegaThrillz theme park in Christ Hole, Texas, where the carnies may not have all their teeth but the “whole top’s diamond and the bottom row’s gold”. Danny McWamma’s ride will be more interesting than any of those on the potential finished track, because any fall could be his last, and the top of the loop may not actually support the weight of the car. At any rate, he will derail before the end of the ride. I can’t say for certain that he will die, but the exercise will provide our team at the Division of Thrill Ride Testing valuable data that cannot be attained any other way. This data includes How Much We Enjoy Putting Someone on an Unfinished Roller Coaster as a function of Time. Don’t forget to put your arms up for the photo, Danny!
Coming up is the Festival of Fertility. We would like to encourage you to switch your dance moves to the official Kakos Industries dances of fertility: The Sperm Wiggle, and the Ova Undulation. We don’t mean to stereotype… haha couldn’t say that with a straight face, but here at Kakos Industries, the women who frequently hold stock in our company are not always the most socially adept. I do not mean that each of our female shareholders isn’t staggeringly beautiful, but merely that they lack certain social graces, like the illusion that a worthwhile male is out there just waiting for them. In addition, ownership of Kakos Industries stock can leave one… changed. This does not mean, however, that they do not wish to become mothers one day. Kakos Industries, during the Festival of Fertility, likes to play the matchmaker for these women in the most romantic way imaginable… Sperm donation. You ladies out there are invited to come down to the basement ballroom in whatever makes you feel pretty and confident. We will have fancy cocktails and smooth music. Ovulation will be chemically induced. Then the men will be allowed to enter. Before you ask, I will say that these men will have been genetically screened, and perhaps genetically optimized themselves, to provide you with the premium genetic material that you have come to expect from Kakos Industries. These men will be varied in regards to phenotype and ethnic background to ensure that we give our shareholders the choices they desire, and to satisfy some particularly tricky legal requirements. The entire evening will be anonymous, and in addition to that, ladies attending the event are encouraged to find four or five partners to extract genetic material from before the night is out to ensure healthy competition. There are no rules during this event in regards to sexual position, or even sexual location, but if you leave at the end without a bun in the oven, well, we’ve done everything we can. Remember that children conceived inside of Kakos Industries become partially our property. Assuming that the child is not born on the premises, we will only provide these mothers with a single letter that they must use in the child’s name. It may not be a real letter, however. There is a small chance that the child will enjoy some long term side effects of being this close to our operations. Even if they have trouble fitting into the outside world, they will always have a home here at Kakos Industries. Certain listeners might be wondering why there is no festival for lonely men who would like to be fathers. Simply put, there are too many of you with all of your pointless sperm already in sperm banks. You are evolutionary dead ends, and you are doomed to freeze dried genetic death. Enjoy your pickup artists forums, boxes of tissue, and pretty girl webcam chats.
Speaking of reproduction, I was informed that it is Bring your Daughter to Evil Day here at Kakos Industries. There is no history of bias towards men in the industry of Evil, but we find that if we bring your daughters to Evil, the boys will follow. It is a much more efficient system. I was… “pleasantly surprised” to find the office just crawling with children today. Some were as young as three years old, others into their pretty girl webcam late teens. Shareholders, they are touching their runny noses, and they are touching things, and they are touching things that I have to touch, and that is… just “delightful.” As a special “treat” for all of you out there, I am joined by Hailey Solomonari, who is the 19-year-old daughter of Iele Solomonari, one of our board members here at Kakos Industries. I am told that it would be good for morale, and also good for having smooth board meetings in the future if I allowed Hailey to join me. Iele Solomonari is really good at dragging things out.
Corin: Yes, Hailey?
Hailey: I have some ideas about how we can Do Evil Better.
Corin: That is good to hear, but as you know we have no shortage of good ideas around here.
Hailey: Okay, Corin, Idea number 1. What if we covered a person in glue and then threw a bunch of glitter at them?
Corin: Well, that’s…
Hailey: They would be covered in glitter for weeks. Months maybe. Some of it might never come off at all.
Corin: I don’t really think that’s a good fit for who we are here at Kakos Industries.
Hailey: Okay, Corin. Idea number 2. What if we sharpen a big knife and then stab some people with it.
Hailey: Some of them might die.
Corin: Well, Hailey, that is definitely a move in the right direction, but just killing people like that is missing so many opportunities for evil. Do they know it’s coming? How long do they have to come to terms with their demise? Will their death instil fear in others? How many people will remain to mourn?
Hailey: I’ll keep working.
Corin: Great. Keep working, and we’ll come back to you later. Maybe after the broadcast. Um… Hailey, could I ask you why you’re stretching like that?
Hailey: Like this?
Corin: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.
Hailey: What’s wrong with a little bit of stretching, Corin?
Corin: It’s not the stretching, Hailey, it’s… um…
Hailey: Does it bother you when I stick my chest out?
Corin: I find it.. distracting.
Hailey: I understand. I sometimes get distracted by them, too. I mean my breasts.
Corin: Ah, you said that word.
Hailey: I’ll try to be good for you, Corin.
Corin: Yeah, just try to hold still, I guess.
The Division of True Neutral has some good news. As you may remember, we started the Division of True Neutral to help those of our customers who are Evil-curious, but not ready to take the full plunge. It seems that the DTN has partnered up with the Division of Pharmaceutical Excellence, or DOPE for short, and developed a medicine that, when administered to employees in the workplace, makes them not only apathetic to doing work, but also apathetic to not doing work. It is the perfect antidote to a helpful, energetic workforce, and a satisfying customer service experience. Describing these employees as unhelpful would not be accurate. They are actually as helpful as they are not. They are likely to do exactly half of what you ask them, or do everything you ask of them half as well as you would like. These employees are perfectly average in every way, and your shoppers will find that doing things themselves is probably easier than dealing with one of these useless meat puppets. Asking “Kevin”, as it reads on his hand-written name tag pinned to the vest he has only one arm through, to assist you in locating the canned pineapple will result in a journey halfway to the canned foods aisle, before “Kevin” loses interest entirely, and begins to stare vacantly at his shoes. After a moment of waiting, “Kevin” may once again ask you if there’s anything he can do to help. No, there most certainly is not, “Kevin”.
The Division of Poetic Insight has given me the following to read aloud:
It is well known that
Haiku are most popular
But very few know
Haiku are poor man’s tanka
Fuck your language arts teachers.
Well, there you have it.
Corin: I have news from the Division of Bubble Wrap… Um… Hailey, why are you rubbing your legs?
Hailey: I’m just rubbing in some lotion. I want to make sure that I didn’t miss a spot when I was shaving. I’m usually really good to get everything.
Corin: Hailey, please stop rubbing your thighs.
Hailey: I’m sorry, Corin. They’re just really smooth. It’s hard to keep my hands off of them.
Corin: It’s okay. Just… stop.
Hailey: Corin, I have a few more ideas.
Corin: Hailey, is there any chance that these ideas can wait until later?
Hailey: Idea Number One.
Corin: I guess not.
Hailey: What if we put a bunch of people in a completely pitch black box, and then didn’t let them out?
Corin: Well, that is Evil, but we’ve done it before. That process, we used to call it Black Boxing, was abandoned in favor of a process called Monster Boxing, which was similar, but with monsters in the box. Ultimately, we found that dropping people randomly from extreme heights inside of the black box was a better process for getting that kind of terror.
Hailey: Okay. Idea Number Two: What if we make someone’s skin weird?
Corin: What do you mean by weird?
Hailey: That’s all I wrote down. But I think it’s a good idea.
Corin: Well, that’s a start, I guess. Keep working on that. Keep in mind we try to combine pain and terror, and embarrassment, and a subtle reminder of all of humanity’s basic lack of goodness.
Hailey: I’ll keep working.
Corin: We’ll have plenty of time to talk about this later, Hailey.
Ahem… It has come to my attention recently that a client of ours here at Kakos Industries has come under fire for some supposed dumping of chemical waste into the local water supply. The company in question is Mignola-Michaels Manufacturing at A-Okay Lake, in the town of A-Okay Nevada. It seems that this dumping has had some interesting side effects. It seems that the spleen fish in A-Okay Lake have begun to walk on land and breathe air, and what is more concerning, the people living around the lake have begun to grow flippers and breathe water. For the time being, it seems that both the aquatic animals and the humans living nearby are capable of breathing both on land and in the water, but we do not know how long this will continue. Outrage is building around Mignola-Michaels Manufacturing for causing such horrible effects and for dumping their waste into the lake. On behalf of Kakos Industries, I would like to say that you can all rest easily, knowing that absolutely none of this was their fault. It was ours. They had recently started contracting with us for the disposal of their waste. We assured them that it would be taken far away and stored safely at another location. The fact that we lied about something so important should surprise no one because we have been dumping in that lake for generations. Our environmental sabotage ninjas took the chemicals away in the night, and slipped them surreptitiously into the lake water. Then they stirred it up to hide the trail, and left. Please do not hold Mignola-Michaels Manufacturing responsible for this. It is solely our responsibility. Sorry. In better news, we have discovered a far more efficient method of creating mer-people than we had previously. Also, and completely maybe unrelated I have received so many notices regarding adultery that you should probably just assume that we are responsible for any adultery that has happened recently. This has been Things We’re Taking Responsibility for Now. Sorry.
Corin: Uh, Hailey, can you please stop with the lotion?
Hailey: I get itchy when I don’t wear underwear.
Evil can be like butter. Sometimes it is cold and inflexible. Other times, it is warm and seeps into all of the cracks of a nice piece of toast, or a self-warming sex robot’s sex orifices. In the latter case, it can be difficult to see the connections, or to imagine that it was once a coherent solid. This is things we’re taking credit for now. This week, we are taking credit for Comic Sans, Gender Pronouns, and Coworkers’ Hot Daughters. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for today, then the radio waves bouncing off of those negative thoughts will start to rattle around in your skull, making your brain softer, and more likely to spread easily and seep into the cracks.
Hailey: You think I’m hot, Corin?
Corin: MOVING ON!
Aaron Baloney is the winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As always, Aaron’s lifelong nemesis will have his or her life ruined by our excellent Damnation and Ruination Squad here at Kakos Industries. Aaron Baloney has selected Monica Maloney as his nemesis, which means we will get to work momentarily bringing about her new misery. The Wheel of Misery has landed on a space for “Evil Gametes.” Were Monica Maloney male, this process would be much more complicated. However, seeing as she is female, at least based on our cursory examination, we will only need to replace every egg cell in her ovaries with ones specifically created by Kakos Industries. What we have done here will not physically prevent Monica from becoming pregnant and delivering a child, nor will it prevent her from developing an emotional bond with that child, but she will know that the child is of evil Kakos Industries stock. In addition the egg cells are from a variety of synthetic human egg cell experiments that we have done, meaning that each child will be a surprise. If Monica Maloney decides not to have children, then it is likely one of the egg cells will spontaneously grow and claw its way out of her. For good measure, Aaron Baloney’s semen will be made of fire. Congratulations on the win.
And that brings us to the end of our broadcast.
Corin: Hailey, we don’t have time for any more of your ideas right now. We have to let our shareholders get back to their lives, or whatever.
Hailey: Corin, will you be my daddy?
Corin: I’m sorry?
Hailey: I asked if you would be my daddy.
Corin: Hailey, you’re 19 years old. It would be impossible for me to be your father.
Hailey: I’ve been really bad today, Corin. I’ve distracted you and I’ve interrupted you. I should be punished.
Corin: Hailey, you’re really not responsible for distracting me. I mean, I can’t expect you to apologize for your body. That makes no sense.
Hailey: But what if I’ve been doing it on purpose, Corin?
Corin: I forgive you. Let’s just move on.
Hailey: Let’s have sex, Corin. I want to make a sacrifice of myself for Evil.
Corin: Umm… We’re at the end of the broadcast. Um…
Hailey: I don’t feel any guilt about my sexuality, Corin.
Corin: I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Hailey. I work with your mother.
Hailey: I’m going to take my clothes off, now, and I’ll let you decide where things go.
Corin: That brings us to the end of our broadcast…
Hailey: We can do anything you like Corin. I’m not shy. I like to play.
Corin: The broadcast should end shortly after the numbers… but if you continue to hear any odd sounds, then I ask you to please forgive me. 18, 29, 40
Hailey: Look, Corin, I’m ready for you.
Corin: F-Fifty-two, s-s-sixty-nine,
Hailey: I’m going to touch you now, Corin.
Corin: Oh no. S-Seven thousand, seven thousand and one.
Hailey: Do you like my body, Corin? It likes you.
Corin: Soundman Steven, stop, uh, stop the broadcast. Now. Right now. Stop the broadcast now, please.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently reevaluating her life choices. The Kakos Industries Scripts are edited by Adam Miszuk. Special guest appearance in this episode by Hanna Jones. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you getting really drunk, peeing somewhere, and forgetting about it?