139 – Putrefactions
in which we learn more about the ooze, Corin gets some lovely gifts, and Dismal Damsel “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is popcorn popping, popcorn burning, and popcorn dissolving into hot plasma.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. What the C, E, and O stand for are complicated and layered and not obvious entirely, but generally speaking, I’m in charge of a lot. Some of you may be surprised to hear that I still have my job after Halloween’s fiasco involving the Matmos getting fucking everywhere, but it turns out that I am nearly impossible to fire. I also, fun fact, cannot resign. We have genetically engineered Efficiency Wolves can smell quiet quitting and will apply strong negative reinforcement to any employee suspected of doing such a thing, which is not always something the employee survives. We can assume that I am capable of dying, so here I am at work doing my very best. As I hinted at, our Halloween party did not go quite as expected. I’ve had some trouble with the inky black ooze that lives under and around the building that we call the Matmos, although it seems to have multiple names depending on who you ask. We are still unsure if the abundance of this ooze nearly saturating the building was some form of communication, although we can likely assume that it was. Employees who were under the effects of the Matmos remember feeling like they wanted to tell me something, but they couldn’t find the words, and then the Matmos retracted itself entirely, leaving them with little memory of the time they were affected. Matmos is an Evil organism, seemingly feeding off of the wreckage of destruction and misery. It’s a decomposer, but unlike most decomposers, it is capable of directly influencing the death of whatever it hopes to decompose. The Matmos is capable of instigating wars just to feed on the dead bodies. It’s capable of creating strife and division. It is capable of getting into people and we assume other organisms and leading them to make different decisions, or to lean into their frustrations, or to exacerbate their pains. Some of our scientists have begun to wonder if the Matmos isn’t responsible in some way for the development of our higher brain functions through some sort of guided evolution. Those scientists are probably high to be honest. The Matmos can also provide people with a sense of connection, and purpose. Its effects are not purely one-sided. There is a symbiosis. In the past we’ve encouraged certain members of our staff to drink the Matmos and to invite it into their bodies and lives to bring about greater paradigms of Evil thinking. They tend to be ideas people rather than administrators for obvious reasons. Executives are usually out, but knowing the other executives, I’m not sure there’s anything they would deny themselves the joy of putting into their bodies. I was affected for a time. We’re learning that that levels of the stuff can be undetectable with our current technology. For that reason, anyone with a confirmed encounter during Halloween or at any other time has been marked so that we can second guess everything they do all day long, leading to tremendous morale. This marking is a baseball cap that says “I Got Freaky with the Ooze” on it. They cannot take the ball caps off while they are at work. It is funny to see people in full business attire with a snapback shaming them for ooze ingestion. I’ll give you a moment to picture that. No the caps are not for sale, but maybe they should be. We do not know the extent of the infection here among our staff, but we have some reason to believe that the Matmos completely retracted itself, leaving our staff mostly cured of its influence. We’re not taking any chances. No, I don’t have to wear the hat. I was not infected during the Halloween event, and we have even better reasons to believe that I have been completely cleared of its presence. The truth of the matter is that I wish I knew what the Matmos was thinking. I wish I had the insight into its movements and intentions. I wish I knew what the fuck was going on with it. That would be really fucking handy right about now, but I’ll get into that later.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a mechanical elephant. I sure as hell hope that they all made it to their proper destinations. This was admittedly one of the more involved concepts we’ve had for our radios in a while. It’s a robot elephant. We gave each one a destination and wished it the best of luck. They went out and hopefully found you. They’re rather small, for elephants. They probably came up to each of you and tugged on your shirt with their noses in what many have deemed to be an incredibly cute fashion. And then it probably nearly blew your ears out with the announcements. They are extremely loud. They are just brutal to be close to. You likely had to run away to listen at a more comfortable volume. This is where I have to give the somewhat awkward caveat that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you happened to not be a shareholder and you’re hearing this set of announcements, then you will either need to become a shareholder through Evil deeds or get as far away from the shrieking elephant as you can. And then you need to forget. I’ll let you decide how best to achieve that. You probably have a few techniques up your sleeve, but be careful, you might become a shareholder by accident in the process. I am told that this radio comes to us from a collaboration between Radio Shanty and our very own Division of What the FUuk Do We Do with These Robotic Elephants. Not every division lasts forever. Sometimes they are formed with the intention of being disbanded shortly after they achieve their goals. This is one of those. They are not quite done yet. We are unsure why they have so many robotic elephants. They could not have been cheap to produce. The sound quality has been described as “loud as fuck” and “my ears are bleeding” and “why on Earth are these elephants so loud?” Take proper precautions shareholders. Protect your ears. Use earplugs if you have to.
I mentioned just a moment ago that I wish I had a better sense of what the Matmos wanted from me, and there are a few reasons why. There have been more messages sent, but they have all been just as confusing. Worryingly, they do not necessarily show a particularly great grip on reality or how to communicate with humans at all. Earlier today I was greeted by several hooded figures, this time in magenta robes with a bit of gold colored thread holding things together. They handed me what appeared to be an old piece of parchment with nothing written on it, but there was a rotting corpse of a rabbit, so that was nice. I have seen the same movies as you, shareholders. I can imagine what a rolled up fish might mean. But a rabbit, several days dead without refrigeration does not mean anything to me. It seems extremely unhinged. I can’t think of a single nemesis of mine that would use such crass tactics to reach me, except maybe Fourest, and he would likely include some sort of lengthy over-explanation of everything, citing my lack of intelligence several times in his need to make such explanations. Melantha sent me a dildo in a pillowcase once. She said it was an accident and it was meant for someone else, but I might as well go fuck myself with it anyway. Belinda Negativ definitely doesn’t shy away from gore, but there is an elegance to her style. We think that the DarkMegaUSSR left a bag of flaming shit on our doorstep once, but we’ve never been able to independently verify that fact. A rotting rabbit, seemingly killed by an arrow, or at least something that left a large gash is a bit unusual. I asked Clarissa and Hedera about the magenta cloak people, and the looks of disgust on their faces told me a story of a deep and troubled past, but I was unable to get any more details. They are awfully sparse with communication. As they have told me through gritted teeth, they are to watch me, and not to explain everything so my little baby brain can understand it.
I suppose I can give you some Clarissa and Hedera updates, shareholders. For those of you who are new or just not great at remembering things, Clarissa and Hedera are two women we have determined to be in their early thirties, though their skin has perhaps never seen daylight, so they look a bit younger in kind of a strangely preserved way. They are agents of the Matmos and they have become, for lack of better terminology, goth icons. No one has ever seen them put on makeup, but we’re pretty sure they’re wearing makeup. Either that or there’s some interesting side effects to the Matmos that we’re unaware of. Come to think of it, if it’s not makeup, then they’re probably pretty ill. Maybe even hypoxic. We’ll assume it’s makeup. And people like the way they look. And they like their attitudes and their ability to ignore literally anyone for any amount of time. This has led directly to two things: people have started leaving offerings of candy and flowers around them wherever they happen to be taking up space in hopes of gaining favor, and Kimmie has been showing them a ton of attention. I think that Kimmie’s interest is probably multi-faceted. Attraction, sure, but also an interest in their well-being, and a curiosity about them and their origin. She was braiding their hair last time, but she has since started to apply more and more ridiculous makeup on top of their makeup. Then she takes selfies with them. They are pathologically unable to dignify her actions with any kind of reaction, so they just let it happen, and then the next time you see them there they are with perfect mascara and eyeliner and eyeshadow and maybe slightly bluish foundation. They are just incredible at waiting until no one is watching to move at all. We can see them on the security cameras, but they also seem to have an extra sense for the blindspots in the cameras. Kimmie made them up to look like clowns. Then she made them up to look like dolls. Sometimes if she’s in a hurry she’ll just rouge up their cheeks, which seems to be the simplest way to subvert their intended look. The closest she got to a reaction was dribbling water on them to make them look like they had been crying. That selfie has thousands of likes at this point. Kimmie seems to have a really intuitive sense of how to get under people’s skin sometimes. I am fortunate that she and I can communicate like adults.
We recently had Black Friday and the beginning of The Celebration of Anti-Celebration. The Black Friday deal was for a special keychain. People waited in line for days. As for Anti-Celebration, look, things have been weird, okay? Many of us have been vacillating between celebration and anti-celebration for years, and I’m just going to say that you do you, okay? We’ve got spaces where you can be free of celebration, and we have spaces where you can celebrate to your heart’s content. In the common spaces we ask for respect for the needs of others.
We have Yule coming up, shareholders. It’s that time where we celebrate the darkness of winter and a lot of you get your thirst for me out of your system while I’m dressed up as a Krampus monster and required to spank you for your misdeeds. Despite any awkward events from last year, I am unable to change the itinerary. I did mention the Efficiency Wolves right? They’re not just a metaphor for my work ethic, okay? They’re very real.
We also have the Festival that we leave up to all of you to decide. According to convention, the name has to rhyme with the word festival, though I’m not sure that’s a strict requirement. In the past, this has been an opportunity for you shareholders to circumvent certain protections we might have in place here at Kakos Industries, either around certain information or locations. A lot of times we’re not even protecting those things, but weirdo conspiracy theorists think we are, so they co-opt the festival to try to uncover the evidence that I’m secretly good. I’m not. I’m Evil. I’m a complex and nuanced Evil, but I am Evil to my core. Anyway, you all arrived at the decision that we are having the Jestival. There will be jokes, I suppose. The remaining details are up in the air. If this ends up being another opportunity to roast me for a few hours, I have no problem calling it early and kicking all of you out. It’s just lazy. We all know how I’m like, okay? We don’t need to go over it for hours. Learn to tell a joke, okay?
Today we are spotlighting a very special employee of ours here at Kakos Industries. That Employee is Curtis Murtagh. I am told that Curtis has survived more food tests than anyone else in Kakos Industries history. We’ve definitely gotten better about only testing things we think people will likely survive eating, but Curtis has the high score and is still going. Thank you, Curtis, for all your hard work, and your iron guts, and your willingness to spend three to six weeks each year in the infirmary for intestinal distress.
I mentioned that the Matmos has been trying to communicate with me, and I mentioned the magenta robes. There are also the black robes that were ever so slightly purple. They have been showing up at random intervals to dance in front of me. Their bodies are largely obscured by their robes, but they make do. Clarissa and Hedera are less weirded out by this group, but I am starting to suspect that there are some factional elements in the Matmos community. Perhaps they serve different old monsters or something like that. I am not great at interpreting dance, which is why I asked some dance experts to help me out. They were just as clueless. I really don’t know what these people expect from me.
The Division of Erotic Experiences had a bit of a panic the other day and it seems that some of their resources have been diverted to determining What Isn’t Sex. Of course there are a variety of definitions of sex, some of them are broader, some of them more narrow, some of them are more useful than others. Some have theorized that all touch is a form a sex when you get right down to it. I feel fairly safe suggesting that that’s not quite right and intention does some heavy lifting. They seem to be having some difficulty finding the edge though. When does something stop being sex? I suggested that what they are looking at is a level of granularity far finer than is useful in day to day life. I suggested that it’s not strictly necessary to plot everything on a spectrum from not sex to sex. It’s possible for things to be unrelated to sex, or for their sexual content to be basically negligible. But it would appear that they are a bit stuck on this. I am doing my best to suggest distractions until they can get safely out of the mental hole that they have dug,
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment have been taking it somewhat easy since their big showdown on Halloween. They’ve been sticking to more anthropomorphic monsters that require less effort in the costuming. They can always reuse their cityscapes that they destroy each time. Their most recent battle was between That Guy and Hoss. They’re both really big humanoid figures. They spent some time on the details and really nailed down the vacant, haunting expressions. And, of course, Hoss’s big recognizable feature. I still can’t believe That Guy won. It wasn’t a match to the death, so maybe someday we’ll see the rematch they both deserve.
The Division of FIguring Out What All of these Keys Go to finally unlocked their potential to love again. With a physical key. Not a metaphor. I have no idea what this means.
They say that Evil once baked a cake so tasty that the entire congregation at that particular potluck reached the heights of sexual extasy from just one bite, and then all had to pretend like that last several minutes didn’t happen and that they actually don’t like cake that much. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we are taking credit for hammers, nails, and the inability to find the real solution to your life’s problems. As always, we cannot be one hundred percent certain that we did these things. But we’re pretty sure they’re our fault. And you had better agree with us or you might be visited by the Grackle of Disbelief. I would recommend not finding out the true extent of the implications there.
Dismal Damsel has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. First name Dismal, last name Damsel. Some people hate their kids before they even get to know them. As a result, the life of Dismal Damsel’s nemesis will be ruined in accordance with the Precepts of Ruination. That nemesis is Moose the Cat. That one is actually a cat named Moose. Moose is a real motherfucker of a cat, we’re told. We gave the Wheel of Misery a hard shake, a strong shove, and a light spin and it landed on the space for Foldable. From this day forward, Moose the Cat will be 83% more foldable. I’m assuming that means like you fold paper. I can’t be certain. It sounds unpleasant. For Evil measure, Damsel comma Dismal will be 18% less foldable. That could be problematic. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that rag-tag team of life ruiners, have been doing their work around the building wearing only frosted tips. Like the hair style. That’s it. Look, I’m more surprised when they’re not completely naked. Many of you will remember that years ago, they ran afoul of the Wheel of Misery and it has been picking out their attire ever since, using seemingly random methods. It’s a look for sure.
This brings us to the end of our broadcast shareholders. Another hooded figure in the magenta robes brought me a present here. It is a dead pigeon wrapped in a fast food napkin. Hey, you, yeah, fuck this. Don’t ever do it again. Get it the fuck out of here. Oh, they’re gone. Soundman is going to have a fit if I don’t get this thing out of his studio, so let’s call it, shall we? So, um, destroying the robot elephant is not going to be easy. You’ll find out. Might need those ear plugs. The numbers are next.
BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a galloping prancemancer.
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Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, and Diontrey. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who got the kill, Rocket who butchered the quarry, Kristina Kirkland, who made the boots, and Anastasia K, who tried them on. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit a sporting arena. So far, they have started churning out bleachers. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased a VCR. Little known fact, all VCRs are Evil. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has lubricated all of the mouse wheels. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Our offices are closed. Please check back later for the answer to your question”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Everything Is Beer. “Yup. They put everything into a beer. Kind of like a beer smoothie. 7/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Dinners to Punish Your Loved Ones”. The book includes entries for leaving strategic cold spots, and suggestions for new bitter flavors. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 007-008. It leaves a weird taste in your mouth. Kind of salty. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by using special acoustics to amplify your hangover using your coworkers chatter. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has decided that their bodies are completely evil in every part pretty much equally at last and has moved onto something about the looks in their eyes. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that is made up from an entire deck of cards from an entirely different game and allows you to change to that game on a whim. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that has an extra leg just for self-gratification. Aren’t you glad you heard those words out loud today? The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked frozen salmon. It is technically a stack of animals, although purists may find it dissatisfying. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a book you can turn off when you’re done reading using the handy off switch. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has started digging even deeper into seventies sitcoms. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion set that can be used with any board game to increase its play time by eighteen hours. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains set the package on fire, as the special instructions indicated. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos industries can be dark, try making a vegan chili with enough spice to remove all thoughts from your head.