138 – A Matmos Halloween
in which things begin to ooze, Corin does his best to appreciate the party, a number of interruptions take place, and Cris with no H “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
Featuring Anwar Newton as Dirk Sexplosion, Kitt Keller as Violet Trudge, Adam Miszuk as Angus Lachlan, and Rebecca Ryan as Melantha Murther.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is the dying cry of the last space deity.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and even weird subatomic particles to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, it is Halloween once again, and I can just feel the energy. Halloween is the time of the year where those of us who begrudge the summer’s sunny disposition come alive again. We cozy up to summer’s more introverted sibling autumn, who doesn’t try too hard. Autumn doesn’t fight for your affections or make any grand displays to attract your attention. Autumn is that time when the insistence of long days and warm weather chills the fuck out..for a second. And in the hotter climates, it’s a time when you can finally go outside with clothes on, let alone the outer layer of your epidermis. I can say that there is something psychological about the early days of fall that just seem so different. Transitional. We believe that change is happening and it can happen even for us. The weather cools and we predictably look toward our loved ones, or perhaps toward people we might like to become new loved ones, for comfort. The expectations of being out and about diminish.The bookish and reserved among us actually come out for a celebration. And even your most straight and narrow of friends are ready to party to fight off their seasonal depression. That puts them on our playing field. I hope you don’t feel like I’m stereotyping you too much, shareholders. But let’s be real. You’re a shareholder in a company that specializes in Doing Evil Better. You more than likely have at least one Halloween decoration that is still up from last year, or maybe it has made a permanent home on your wall or dining table. There is a bit of pressure though to make the most of October, I think. Like, you have to replay all of your favorite horror video games, rewatch all of your favorite horror and mystery media, move to Vermont or Maine to be closer to your favorite murder shows. The pressure to find the perfect costume idea that is both readable and sexy. For some of us, this is the only time of year when we have multiple parties to attend in a single weekend, and even our normie friends are engaging with the more creative aspects of the season. There is a feeling like we have to make the most of it because as soon as November hits, it’s business as usual, and then there’s all those other holidays, and then there’s January, which, let’s face it, we should all just take off from whatever responsibilities we have because fuck, am I right? But sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we can’t make Halloween the only fun time in our lives. We can’t make it the focus of our year. We can’t put that much pressure on Halloween. We have to remember to enjoy it, but just like all times in our lives, it too will pass. We will be better for having experienced it, but we can’t cling to it too tightly or we might miss it entirely. What’s that Soundman? Yes, I am aware that black ooze is dripping from the ceiling and flowing from under the walls. Did you think that I could have possibly missed it, Soundman? Did you think that I could have not noticed the grime that has invaded this most sacred of broadcasting spaces? Right, I see what you’re saying. The shareholders could assume that I am downplaying Halloween as a holiday on account of the black ooze that is slowly permeating every nook and cranny of Kakos Industries. It could be seen as deflection from the honestly massive clean up operation that is underway, not to mention just trying to keep the stuff out of the intoxicated shareholders’ stomachs and nasal passages. The shareholders could think that I was trying to distract from the utter shitshow going on outside by reminding them that there are other times of the year that are appropriately Evil, and, for lack of a better term, goth. One could argue that I am trying to save face in the face of a gigantic cluster fuck. One could argue that. But the shareholders are smarter than that, Soundman. They see through the apocalyptically disastrous events going on outside. They know that our party is always incredible and that none of that fucking matters. They also know to keep the fucking ooze out of their bodies. I will repeat, shareholders, as though it hasn’t been blasting through the speakers here for hours, that you should not allow the black ooze to enter your body. Certainly, it has psychoactive properties and can give you a warm feeling of connection to those around you in a way that no other substance seems to. But look, it can straight up kill you if you aren’t Evil enough, or if it just doesn’t like you, okay? I’m not joking. We’ve had deaths in the double digits already tonight, and as metal as that is for a Halloween party, you are all Evil, and having you die for no reason other than to see if you can handle consuming the Matmos is foolish and stupid and please stop.
For those of you not joining us in person tonight for the festivities, we are having a bit of an issue with the Matmos. You probably guessed as much. I would say that it is in full-fledged revolt at this moment, oozing out of every gap in the construction of the building that it can. We’ve had to dump entire bowls of punch because it found a way to drip into them. We’ve had to cover all of the drugs and food and snacks because it keeps finding ways of getting into everything. And still, people have been infected. Invaded. Infested. Infiltrated.
(a sound of distant whale song)
Understandably, Grace Rule, our contracts master and so much more, is fucking pissed. She had a fit when some of the Matmos got into me and removed nearly all of it through a number of herbal remedies and physical processes that were extremely uncomfortable. And now, she may have to do it to the whole staff and all of you fuckers who can’t keep it out of your body. We all know it sounds like a really cool time, doing the Evil goo and getting to feel a part of something larger than yourself. We’ve all heard reports that sex with Matmos in your system feels like you’re both partners at the same time and is roughly 1.7 times as pleasurable as without. But keep it out of your body. I cannot say this clearly enough. Willingly allowing a foreign influence into your body for no other purpose than fun like this is basically treason against Evil. The Matmos might be Evil itself, but it’s the wrong kind of Evil, and I will not have my employees and shareholders fraternizing with the enemy substance.
(More whale song)
I do not want to be that guy right now, holy shit. Have you ever heard her use language like that, Soundman? Me either.
Getting the matmos on your body does not seem to be a risk, but it should be removed as soon as possible. We have emergency showers available along with emergency costumes to replace any that get covered in ooze. We also have a makeshift decontamination facility for people who have the matmos in them.
It perfectly safe, so just go there.
So that’s where we are, shareholders. The party is great, like always. There’s a ton of great snacks and drinks and all of that. We have the zones around the Kakos lawns where you can have any kind of Halloween you want and maybe even dabble a little in multiple. You can get literal urine scared from inside of your person to outside. You can also just have like a witchy vibe sesh’. There’s a movie marathon on one of the lawns with hypoallergenic grass and free blankets. There’s a costume runway if you want to strut your stuff. I saw some people just getting busy up against an old gnarled tree. We’ve even got the whole Halloween village thing. It’s objectively an awesome, amazing party that we should all feel lucky to be able to attend.
Except for the fucking OOOZE that is everywhere right now. Stop drinking it. Do not snort it. That’s not even a smart idea even if you know you can handle it. You don’t want this stuff crossing the blood brain barrier, okay? You have no idea what will happen then. You could end up braindead for a year like the Matmos twins.
I know I’ve explained this a number of times before, but the Matmos twins are two not-identical, and not even related women who do happen to resemble women from some sexual nightmares I had over a year ago after coming into contact with The Heart, which is reported to be the core of the Kakos Industries building, and which I am beginning to think has a lot more to do with this black ooze than previously understood.
Yeah, Soundman, I know that was a run-on sentence. Ask me how much I care. I’m in the middle of a fucking crisis. I have no idea what this stuff wants from me. The Matmos twins have given me nothing to go on. They’re supposedly in contact with the ooze. They can talk to it or whatever. They’re supposed to know what’s happening. Instead, they’re just outside the broadcasting studio cackling their lungs out. You can’t hear them due to the soundproofing which should tell you just how loud and how pissed Grace is at this moment. This isn’t a message. This isn’t me ignoring a warning. I didn’t miss a fucking appointment It just started to happen earlier and has been a pain in my ass ever since. We’ve been in full on damage control. It’s like the Universe wants to fuck me every Halloween, but it has to keep escalating or it’s just no fun.
Soundman, did I ask you if this set of broadcasts was going off the rails? I don’t think I asked you. Will you chill out if you point a gun at me, because frankly, I’m fine with that. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, shareholders, then I don’t have time to explain the depth of Soundman Steven’s trauma and the kinks that resulted from it, or why all of that is my fault. You’re just going to pet it, Soundman? He’s petting the gun on his desk.
You ever have that feeling, shareholders, like, maybe if someone just shot you that you wouldn’t have to do your dishes or clean your apartment? I’m getting that feeling, but like times a hundred thousand right now.
I have no idea what this ooze is doing to the structure of the fucking building. I will say that it doesn’t really get things wet, for what that’s worth. Like if you throw a towel on it, the towel doesn’t exactly absorb the matmos. Like it might stick to the towel a little bit, but it won’t soak in and you can kind of like shake it off, I guess. We have whole teams using wet/dry vacuums to try to control the spread, but it is an uphill battle. And we’re not even sure how to get all of it out of a person. We clearly didn’t get all of it out of me when we tried. We needed that weird old woman deep in the caves to use her magic fucking teacup to get it out of me. I have no idea how that worked. Maybe she asked nicely or something. But we’ve tried using the wet dry vacs on people, especially those who have just consumed some of the stuff, but who fucking knows. It’s a mess. I’m honestly not sure how we’ll ever fix this. If this is a fucking flex, then… yeah, it’s working. What the fuck.
Most of the execs have been evacuated. Most of our VIPs have been evacuated. I have to stay of course. I have to deal with this bullshit. And of course we know that the Matmos doesn’t kill me when it’s in me, so I’m not going to die from being here. Right, unless you shoot me, Soundman. Are you okay? That’s a dark joke by your standards. Let’s see you pick up that revolver, big boy. No? That’s what I thought. I’m sorry, Soundman, you know that I care about you and your feelings. I should not be so mean to you. I should not be challenging your nerve or your ability to shoot guns. We both know you’ve already shot me once. I’m clearly going through a lot right now. Soundman is completely sealed off at the moment. His booth in the broadcasting studio is separated from the rest of the studio by some glass and paneling, but it also turns out that it is airtight if he closes a small vent, and he’s got some kind of oxygen supply in there to make sure he doesn’t suffocate. You might think that we installed this to protect him, but he actually had it installed to protect all of his gear. Right now he’s playing chicken with the Matmos to see if it backs off before he runs out of air, or if he’s willing to die to protect his sweet preamps and effects units.
What was I supposed to be talking about? There’s ooze on my notes. I hate this.
This broadcast is coming to you from a living pumpkin. It’s still on the vine, and the vine is growing from a small flower pot. The spec sheet in front of me says that it is a pumpkin that produces stereo sound, and that you should be impressed with that. This seems to be the result of a partnership between our Division of Vegetation and The Pumpkin King. Is that a person, or a company, or like some kind of sentient pumpkin? Look I can only have so many sentient entities attacking the building at once, okay? And this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you aren’t a shareholder, you are. You just are. I’m sorry, but you’re fucking with me at a time when I have no patience for it or any emotional resources to deal with it, okay? That makes you pretty fucking Evil. So sit down and have a listen, fucker. Open your ears wide. Just keep the ooze out of your body.
What the fuck is it?
DIRK: Hello, Corin. Happy Halloween!
CORIN: Thanks, Dirk. Shareholders, this is Dirk Sexplosion the head of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face, one of the most brutal, Evil companies there is, and one of our clients. Dirk, I’m kind of dealing with some shit right now.
DIRK: Oh, I see, Corin. You’re having a difficult time? You know… If you need someone to talk to, about feelings or whatever, you could always, you know, confide in me. I have been known to… listen, Corin. Perhaps we could put on our comfy jammies and watch a movie. Do you like popcorn, Corin?
CORIN: Dirk, it’s not that kind of thing. The building has been seemingly taken over by this black ooze. It’s wrecking everything, especially our Halloween plans.
DIRK: That sounds difficult, Corin. Do you want to tell me how you’re feeling? Sometimes it’s nice to share your emotions with others, and then you don’t feel so trapped inside of yourself all the time. Or so I hear. People say, you know. Things about feelings.
CORIN: Dirk, I don’t have time to completely unload right now. I can’t just fall apart. This company needs me.
DIRK: I understand, Corin. I understand completely. You know, I’ve got alsothese robotics projects in my garage I’ve been meaning to work on. Perhaps we could work on them together and if, I don’t know, a few emotional thoughts or feelings were to spill out while we were working on things, it couldn’t be helped, right? That’s just how masculine bonding works.
CORIN: You know, that sounds nice. I might like to work on some robots sometime, but right now I’m just in the shit, Dirk. There’s just all this shit and I have to deal with it.
DIRK: Of course, of course. You know there’s this program they air during the winter where they just chop wood for fireplaces. I find it to be soothing to watch, and you can even let your mind wander, and let the conversation go wherever it needs to, even if that happens to be… sharing emotions with another person.
CORIN: Chopping wood does sound pretty Evil, but I have to focus right now, Dirk. Anyway, how is your Halloween going?
DIRK: Not too bad, not too bad. Mostly quiet time with my spouses. Esmeralda has hung these lovely orange and black streamers around our fall retreat home. Raquel has hung up all these spider webs. It’s very spooky, you know. And Antonio has just made us these lovely cocktails, Corin. Ooh, this one is pitch black.
CORIN: Pitch black?
DIRK: Yes, Corin. It’s completely black.
CORIN: Dirk, I need you not to drink that. As your friend, I am begging you not to drink that.
DIRK: But it looks so tasty, Corin, how could I resist?
CORIN: Did you watch Antonio make it?
DIRK: Well, no, but I assume he made it. He makes the most amazing cocktails, Corin.
CORIN: That could be Matmos. Please don’t drink it, Dirk.
DIRK: Oh, Corin, I’m not sure I can resist! It looks so tasty!
CORIN: It could be poisoned, Dirk!
DIRK: Poisoned? But… It just looks so delicious, Corin. There’s a bit of condensation around it. It looks frosty and perfect.
DIRK: How could something that looks so nice to drink be poisoned, Corin? Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just so innocent. It’s just begging to be drunk, Corin.
DIRK: I want to do as you ask, Corin. You always have my best interests at heart. But… I just want it, Corin. I want to drink it. I want to drink it all up.
CORIN: Dirk, I know this is like an executive function thing, but just dump it out.
DIRK: But it’s so well presented, Corin. There’s an olive on a toothpick in it.
CORIN: It could be a trap, Dirk.
DIRK: It looks so tasty, I just… I don’t know if I can hold out much longer, Corin. It seems disrespectful to Antonio not to drink it, you know?
CORIN: Please, Dirk.
DIRK: I’ve picked it up, Corin.
DIRK: It’s moving toward my mouth, Corin. What do I do?
CORIN: Don’t drink it! Move it away from your mouth!
DIRK: Oh no, Corin, here it comes! Own the hatch.
CORIN: Put it down, Dirk. That’s your hand moving it.
DIRK: I’m powerless, Corin!
CORIN: You can resist, Dirk!
DIRK: I can’t! Help me!
CORIN: I’m doing everything I can!
CORIN: No! Dirk! I’ve lost you to this damn ooze!
DIRK: Oh, oh! Oh no! It’s… it’s… it’s just a mudslide, Corin. A great mudslide. Very tasty. Oh, Antonio will not be pleased that I gulped it down like that. He prefers for me to savor things.
CORIN: Why did you gulp it down?
DIRK: I couldn’t help it, Corin. You made it sound so forbidden, what was I supposed to do?
CORIN:(I didn’t see it, this is a phone call) Why did Antonio put an olive in a mudslide?
DIRK: Did I say olive? I meant marshmallow. I always get those confused. It’s in the shape of a ghost.
CORIN: I hope you’re okay, Dirk. I would feel awful if I failed to save you.
DIRK: Corin, I have a confession to make. And you have to promise not to be mad at me.
CORIN: Okay. I promise. I think.
DIRK: This is my fourth mudslide of the night. I’ve had three identical cocktails already.
CORIN: Why didn’t you say that earlier?
DIRK: Well, maybe I would have, but you went straight in with this poison nonsense. What was I supposed to do?
CORIN: Dirk… I have to go. We’ll set up some time to work on robots in your garage. I’m going to need it after this.
DIRK: You mean it? This is going to be great, Corin! I can’t wait!
CORIN: I’ll talk to you soon, Dirk.
DIRK: Ta ta! Adieu.
CORIN: I might be a little wound up, shareholders. That conversation could have gone much differently, I suppose. I, uh, I have to make a call.
VIOLET: WHAT DO YOU WANT!
CORIN: Oh, hi, Violet. Shareholders, this is Violet Trudge, the hardest working employee at Kakos Industries. She gets… stressed.
VIOLET: Mr. Deeth, I am up to my eyeballs in black goop, and it is all I can do to keep people from sucking it up into their hungry gobs thinking it’s just another one of our drugs. I’ve got a vacuum and a cattle prod and I am in THE MIDDLE OF IT.
CORIN: I don’t mean to unfairly characterize you, Violet, but vacuuming up sludge and shocking party-goers into submission kind of sounds like your thing.
VIOLET: I am in my element, Corin, but that does not mean I am happy. Now WHAT DO YOU WANT?
CORIN: Um, I wanted to check how the cleanup was going.
VIOLET: Oh, is that all, Corin? You want to know how the cleanup is going? You want to know how this metric fuckton of cleanup is going? Well, maybe you would know if you were down here, Corin. Hey! Put that down. It’s not drugs, it’s a caterpillar. Don’t! No! Don’t put the caterpillar in your nose… Dammit. He put it in his nose.
CORIN: While I have to admit that I would much prefer doing the shareholder announcements to vacuuming, I would also like to point out that I technically do not have a choice in the matter. I have to be here right now.
VIOLET: we’ve got hundreds of employees with dozens of vacuums and they’re all just about worthless. We’re losing ground at an unimaginable rate, and the shareholders, Corin, they just keep putting stuff in their faces like they’re toddlers.
CORIN: I see.
VIOLET: STOP MAKING OUT. Oh, wait, no, that’s fine actually. I thought you were someone else. Wait! You are a caterpillar! Get out of there!
CORIN: Where are you that there are so many caterpillars?
VIOLET: The moth garden.
CORIN: That makes sense.
VIOLET: The caterpillars keep drinking the Matmos. And if they metamorphose with that in them, who knows what will happen. They could spread it everywhere. HEY, YOU TWO, STOP MAKING OUT. You’ve tried this four or five times and at some point you’re going to have to realize you’re a terrible match. You just hate each other. That’s it. Go find two other people to make out with. There are plenty. NOT THE CATERPILLARS. What were we talking about? I’m multitasking and I got distracted.
CORIN: Keep at it, Violet.
VIOLET: I deal with grown up toddlers all day. I have no choice. Oh! No! They ate the caterpillars. Do you eat caterpillars all the time or are you just doing it right now to fuck with me? THE MOTH GARDEN IS CLOSED!
CORIN: I’ll check in with you later, Violet. It sounds like you have your hands full.
VIOLET hahaha: Full of vacuum, caterpillars, ooze, and other people’s fucking problems!
CORIN: I’ll leave you to it.
I’m, uh, I’m not going to check in with her later. That was a lie.
We recently had the Festival of Books, shareholders. After talking it up so much, there was a significant line to read The Fuck, one of the most dangerously erotic novels of all time. We had a number of couches nearby for when people fainted from the steaminess. We did have a couple of fatalities, but I think they knew what they were doing. I caught a peek of another page and hoooo they pull out all of the stops on that one.
Coming up we have The Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday. I’m anti-celebrating now, I think. This is anti-celebration, isn’t it? Just having your whole party covered in black ooze. Why couldn’t this have happened during Yule? Why did it have to be right now. We will also have some amazing deals for Black Friday as always. Just be prepared to wait. And maybe to fight. And there may be some literal hoops to jump through. The usual.
Yes, Soundman, I can see the goo pooling up around my feet. Look, it’s not going to hurt me. It just sucks.
MELANTHA: Hello, Corin.
MELANTHA: WHat the fuck was that? “Hey”? No “this is Melantha Murther, the irresistibly sexy CEO of my biggest rival who always crushes me in competition like a sensitive piece of flesh under a particularly pointy heel”?
CORIN: You know, I would never describe you that way.
MELANTHA: I heard you’re having some trouble with a black ooze situation. I just want you to know that my party doesn’t have any of that going on. We’re just free to have hot sexy fun without stepping in a pool of gunky Evil. (aside) TIFFANY, WHY DON’T WE HAVE ANY BLACK OOZE COMING OUT OF OUR WALLS? That sounds Evil as fuck.
CORIN: Your party sounds nice, and I can guarantee you don’t want to be covered in black ooze.
MELANTHA: Of course not. (aside) TIFFANY, WORK ON THE BLACK OOZE SITUATION.
CORIN: Well, how’s it going?
MELANTHA: What are you wearing?
CORIN: Oh, uh, I don’t have a costume on. I’m just… covered in black ooze.
MELANTHA: You bitch, how dare you.
CORIN: Excuse me?
MELANTHA: Who told you?
CORIN: Told me what?
MELANTHA: My costume. I’m covered in black ooze.
CORIN: I thought you didn’t have any?
MELANTHA: It’s a costume, Corin. It’s not real!
CORIN: Oh, mine is real. It’s real Matmos.
MELANTHA: DON’T RUB IT IN!
CORIN: You don’t want this, I promise.
MELANTHA: I can’t believe you’re wearing the same thing as me.
CORIN: Mine isn’t a costume.
MELANTHA: SHUT UP. Wait. You’re wearing clothes under your black ooze, aren’t you?
CORIN: My work clothes.
MELANTHA: Oh, that’s a relief. I thought if we were both naked under our ooze everyone would talk about who wore it better and some of them might not say me and that’s unacceptable.
CORIN: Naked with ooze?
MELANTHA: It’s like body paint. Don’t get too excited, Corin. I’m decent. For now. You never know when things might start to chip. Or what happens when I get wet.
CORIN: Well, at least you don’t have to compete too hard with me to have the better party this year.
MELANTHA: I never do. You parties are always lame. No matter how much hot sexy ooze you have just coming from your walls and ceilings unplanned and for free.
CORIN: I’m telling you it isn’t that cool.
MELANTHA: That’s what you would say if it was really, really, really cool!
CORIN: No, I don’t think I would.
MELANTHA: I just don’t know how you’ve done this to me, Corin. How could you go and have such an amazing party like this without even trying? It’s not fair.
CORIN: I mean, I don’t feel like it’s fair either.
MELANTHA: TIFFANY! Where are we with the ooze? Is that a moth in your mouth? Get that moth out of your mouth. Eating moths isn’t hot, TIFFANY! Corin, I have to go. I don’t have any naturally occurring ooze, so I’m going to have to go sex up the place myself. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s worth it.
CORIN: I do not understand what’s happening.
MELANTHA: Don’t rub it in! Happy Halloween, Corin. (lying) I really want you to enjoy all of that ooze. Bye or whatever.
CORIN: I won’t enjoy it. I’m not enjoying it. I’m hating every minute of it, actually.
Well, Melantha isn’t alone in thinking that the ooze is sexy and interesting. I think I’ve driven home the point that shareholders and employees alike should avoid ingesting the ooze at all costs, and I recommend they don’t even let it get on them, though that doesn’t seem to be how it affects anything, but the appeal seems to be really strong. When things first started to go wrong I was with Kimmie and Eddie. Kimmie has already been eyeing the vial of Matmos I was given in the caves deep below Kakos by that strange old woman. I can see where it might appeal, you know? The feeling of connection. Being a part of something bigger and greater. I can see it. It doesn’t really get you high, but I think a lot of people who live for varied experiences might like the idea of interfacing with an organism completely different from what they’re used to, especially if that organism seems to be capable of deep and complex thoughts some of the time. In fact, I think it has been driving Kimmie nuts that I have had this strange experience of communing with this life form and not her. Her experiences represent a really wide range of things, but they don’t include getting to know Evil archaea. And aside from the risk of death that comes from ingesting the Matmos, there are some other serious concerns we have. The interests of the Matmos seem to be Evil, but from an evolutionary standpoint, that’s mostly because it eats better when there’s chaos. So, letting it in isn’t an unbiased experience. It could want to tear this whole building down for a quick influx of calories. And making yourself an agent of that is probably a mistake. Certainly over the years we have allowed and even encouraged certain individuals to host the Matmos within themselves for the betterment of Evil, but there is a turning point where too many people are under the influence of something other than our executive board and our mission statement. Then, we cease to be Kakos Industries. And frustratingly for Kimmie, anyone who is close to me and might be able to influence me is pretty much right out of the consideration for the sanctioned Matmos carriers. Kimmie understands all of this perfectly well, but she has been letting her frustrations out in some childish ways. Like, I’ll have a glass of water or something and she’ll just walk up and finish it. She took a bite out of a sandwich that was in my hands earlier. Like bent down and bit it. I’m not in control of her, and I never will be, and I never want to be, which means that I kind of just have to put some distance between us in situations like these. Her interest in the Matmos twins has continued. I’m hoping that interest runs deeper than mascara and sarcastic facial expressions because that’s like 90% of the people interested in them right now. It’s not like we have a shortage of goth women around the place, you know? If you’re into that, you have options. That being said, these two tend to take the top rankings in terms of overall goth attitude. The lack of tattoos and cigarettes are the only things holding them back, and the excessive nihilism counts for a lot apparently. Kimmie likes to push their boundaries. The very act of complaining about something is too much engagement for these two, so Kimmie has been braiding their hair while they sit silently somewhere in my vicinity. She adds in brightly colored ribbons as well. They don’t completely hate it. You can tell. Small displays of care are always affirming. But if you turn your back on them for too long then the braids come undone and the ribbons are nowhere to be found. Kimmie just takes this as an opportunity to try a new style. I think Kimmie thinks the Matmos might give her some insight into Clarissa and Hedera, original names unknown. But it’s not just me saying it’s a bad idea. I can’t pretend like any of us have any control over this at the moment, though. You could be walking down the hall and have some of the stuff drip on your lip without you noticing. Honestly, this is an opsec nightmare. We have no idea who is compromised, and we’re going to have to work out brand new methods of testing and extracting, and we have to hope that the scientists involved are clear of the stuff. This situation just has no end in sight. We could be dealing with the cleanup here for a long time. And we have no idea where this stuff is even coming from. That reminds me. I have this walkie talkie here that claims to contact the Lachlans, but it tends to give me one at random.The entire family is dedicated to hunting the good, and hunting monsters as a bit of a hobby. I’ve given them all the same task, so I guess it’s not the worst thing in the world that it’s random. Let’s give it a go.
(walkie talkie sound effects)
ANGUS: Oh, hello, Corin! Great timing. I was just hoping to talk to you.
ANGUS: RIght-o, Corin. How could you tell? You always know.
CORIN: I always guess Angus first.
ANGUS: Ah, the old survivorship bias. Nice one.
CORIN: Do you have any news for me?
ANGUS: Well, you did ask me to go looking for the source, and I have found a large reservoir of Matmos hiding out in one of the upper basements. The entire basement three and a third level is filled with the stuff. I’ve notified the pump teams and they’re going to start pumping it out into one of the dry lake beds. The scientists don’t seem to think that the stuff can survive in the daylight come morning.
CORIN: Angus, I’m not sure that’s a great idea. We don’t want to start a war.
ANGUS: In the relations between man and ooze, would you not consider soaking the entire building to be an act of war, Corin?
CORIN: I mean, it could be seen that way.
ANGUS: You can’t go showing weakness in times like these, Corin.
CORIN: Yeah, but we’re pretty much surrounded. I don’t want to sound like we’ve been defeated, which we haven’t been, so it’s just easier to think of this as some kind of posturing. And most of the people who have died of the stuff willingly ingested it.
ANGUS: There are a lot of hours before morning, Corin. We can just put the ooze into one of the dry lake beds until we can figure out a better storage solution.
CORIN: Okay. I guess. So, how did you find the source anyway?
ANGUS: Oh, that’s easy, Corin. You know how I like to taste dirt. It gives me an idea of what’s going on in a given region. The minerals. The balances. Even the pollutants.
CORIN: I don’t like where this is going.
ANGUS: Well, I tasted the Matmos and that told me everything I needed to know right there, Corin. It was ODD. It was like it told me directly. It wasn’t the flavors or anything. It’s like the stuff can communicate, Corin.
CORIN: I’m aware.
ANGUS: Pretty helpful all told.
CORIN: Angus, you’ve been compromised.
ANGUS: What? Compromised? Not again.
CORIN: Yeah. It’s in you now. And we don’t know how to get it out.
ANGUS: This is terrible news, Corin. Do you think the ooze is telling me to put it in the lake?
CORIN: I don’t know, Angus. Maybe it’s hoping to get loose or something.
ANGUS: Then we should definitely not do what I say. Unless I knew you would figure this out and reverse course. This is quite the sticky wicket, Corin.
CORIN: Maybe we shouldn’t do anything.
ANGUS: What if I knew you would say that, Corin? I am a great judge of character, as you know.
CORIN: Soundman, what do you think? He’s saying we should pump it into a cave below.
ANGUS: But what if I knew you would ask him, Corin? I’m pretty much a genius at predicting behavior. It’s what makes me such a great tracker.
CORIN: Um. Ask Grace.
ANGUS: And What if I knew you would say that?
CORIN: But then it’ll be her responsibility.
(loud distant whale sound)
ANGUS: Oh. Of course,Grace. I understand perfectly. I will get right on it.
CORIN: I have to say I didn’t even see that as a possibility.
ANGUS: No one can outthink a lady that smart, Corin. I have a lot of work to do. Best be on my way.
CORIN: I believe in you, Angus.
Well, shareholders, there may be some hope yet.
I think it’s fairly obvious that none of this has gone the way I planned. That said, shareholders, there are some bright spots in this mess. The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment will be putting on a performance on the Arena Lawn in around an hour. I’m going to try to make it. I understand it’s going to be Valoduur versus Crimerion. You know, there’s nothing quite like a classic big lizard fight. There is also the hedge maze, which is always fun. There’s a couple of places where you can basically close the hedge behind you if you want some privacy. The jump scare haunted house is pretty neat if you’re into that. I wouldn’t recommend eating or drinking anything at this stage. The movie marathon just started Scream of Absolute Terror 9. It’s when the series starts to pick back up again after a couple of duds. I don’t want to spoil what the monster is this time around.
JUNIOR: Corin, there seems to be a black ooze everywhere. I really think you should do something about it.
CORIN: Yeah, I’m working on it, Junior. Everyone, this is Junior. He’s a monster and he… well, what is it you do around here these days?
JUNIOR: This ooze is serious, Corin. I think you should drop everything and take care of it.
CORIN: It’s being worked on Junior.
JUNIOR: it is scaring the little ones.
CORIN: Huh. I would have thought they would be comfortable around the Matmos.
JUNIOR: It’s oozing through the walls.
CORIN: I’m sorry, Junior. We’re working as quickly as we can.
JUNIOR: Fine. I suppose I am satisfied for now. I have heard the wailings of Grace Rule.
CORIN: Yeah, she’s pissed.
JUNIOR: Say what you will about my size and my ferociousness, but that woman is the scariest thing in this building when she’s mad.
CORIN: That’s for sure. How are the little ones, fright aside?
JUNIOR: Oh, perfect. This year, they are getting into the Angry Demon Transforming Troopers. They are each a different color. They are a little team, and it is adorable.
CORIN: I’ll bet. Try to keep them out of the ooze, Junior, and don’t drink any of it.
JUNIOR: Do I look like a fool, Corin?
CORIN: I suppose not.
CORIN AND JUNIOR: Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
JUNIOR: She didn’t have to murder the man like that.
CORIN: He’s not going to recover from a scolding like that any time soon.
JUNIOR: I’m going to lay low, Corin. I’ll keep the little ones safe.
CORIN: Thanks, Junior. And happy Halloween.
JUNIOR: Happy Halloween.
I was supposed to do an employee spotlight, but Gertrude Devaux is assumed dead after being last seen sinking into a puddle of Matmos, so there might not be any point. Really talented scientist. Not happy about that one.
I have two recordings in front of me. One of them is on a thumb drive, and the other is on a cassette tape. I wonder who they’re from. Thumb drive first. Let’s get it out of the way.
FOUREST: Wow, Corin. Things are going so great for you right now. I love to see that. I love that for you.
CORIN: So, pretty much par for the course from Fourest, the genetically engineered Evil person the board would like to one day replace me with because they know nothing. Last he was spotted, he was camping in the desert somewhere. Here’s the other recording, which is from my grandfather, who passed away nearly a decade ago, but somehow manages to keep in touch.
CDI: Whoa, Corin! Things are not going so great for you right now. That sucks. I got nothing on this one. But, I believe in you, sport. You got this.
CORIN: Great words of encouragement.
They say that Evil once taught all the young people proper sex ed like a real cool guy. This is Thing We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for… Well, it kind of seems pointless right now. Let’s do it anyway. We’re taking credit for rumors about poisoned candy, rumors about Halloween killings, and the feeling that you’re in a much more dangerous world than you actually live in. Unless you’re at the party, which is currently dangerous as fuck. But, people are vibing with it I guess. If you don’t believe we are to blame for these things, then you probably already have Matmos in you and you’ll need to be taken to the decontamination center immediately for the foreseeable future.
Cris with no H has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Cris’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is SuPERbanite. We get a lot of mononyms in the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Mononymous people must be either extra worthy of having their lives ruined, or their extra vindictive. Anyway, we gave the Wheel of Misery a reckless spin, and it landed on the space for hydrophobic. This is fitting when the building has become inundated with a liquid that is dangerous to your health. From this day forward, Superbanite, will be 30% more hydrophobic. For Evil measure, Cris with no H will be 13% less hydrophobic. Huh. That kind of backfired today didn’t it? Well, congratulations on the win and best of luck. Honestly, Cris with no H, if you’re still here, I’d fuck off immediately. Get out of here. Get away from the ooze just in case.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been running around in a combination of milk, generic cola, and cranberry juice. Not clothing. Just covered in beverages. More liquids. Huh. Well, anyway, it’s gross and it smells, but that’s kind of their whole deal anyway.
Well, shareholders, that does it for these announcements. I think we hit on all the notes I had. Yes, Soundman, I am aware that I skipped almost all of the notes and chose to rant about the ooze instead. It’s close enough. Are you going to stay in there all night? Well, okay. I can’t stop you. Well, shareholders, wherever you are, I hope that you are having a nice Halloween. Until next time. The numbers are–
(a loud slurping sound)
What the fuck was that? Wait, where’d all the goo go? It’s not on my clothes anymore. It’s not on the floor. I’m getting reports that it just vanished all around the building. I’m being told that it has been sucked out of people as well, leaving them dazed and suddenly isolated. It looks like… some… of the dead have returned to life somehow. What happened? No one knows.
Grace doesn’t even know. I can see the Matmos twins cackling in the hallway on the CCTV monitor. This fucking ooze. I can’t believe… It was just fucking with us? This is… I’m gonna need some time to cool off. Soundman, there’s still party going on. Let’s get down there and blow off some steam. The numbers are next, shareholders.
BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a surge of adrenaline coursing through the veins of the universe.
Special appearance for this episode byKitt Keller, Rebecca Ryan, Adam Miszuk and Anwar Newton. Hear more from Anwar Newton on Twitter and instagram at The Anwar Newton.
Briauna: Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, Diontrey, and Dwight Spencer. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who brought the booze, Rocket who brought the mixers, Kristina Kirkland, who shook the shaker, and Anastasia K, who gave valuable feedback. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit a sporting arena. We are all waiting patiently to see how this goes wrong. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old guitar that uses sharpened wires for strings. The tone is otherworldly if you can manage to play it. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has given the right people compliments, and the right people scoldings. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “You’re going to have to talk to my lawyer”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Everything Is People Shaped. “Just like it says on the tin, everything is people shaped, even the broccoli. 22/27”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Edible Paintings: How to Turn Your Masterpiece into Dinner”. You know, if you want to do that. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 99-03A. It has really interesting vibes. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by replacing all of the carpet and leaving a weird smell in the office. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The belly button is gaining popularity again. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that does nothing at all, and cannot be played in the same fashion as the other cards, but must be played as soon as it is drawn or you lose. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that listens to podcasts. Gross. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a bunch of otters holding hands. It is very cute. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a bottle of mineral water with a switch to turn off the bubbles. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has started writing words backwards for funsies The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created a really great spinner that you can play with while your friends are rules lawyering. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains made it to the right coordinates where the street should have been. There was no one there and no sign of civilization. The package was left right there in case the recipient ever returns. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos industries can be dark,consider getting jacked so you’re ready for what’s next.