136 – Bard Law
in which Corin gets barded at, Clarissa and Hedera read a poem, the Division of Erotic Experiences gets into more 3D renders, and Kit Loveless “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is the second to last straw.
Bard: Corin Deeth us gonna die, Corin Deeth is gonna die.
When you run an evil company
You often get your way
But ever dog gonna meet it’s due
And for you that is today,
And it’s very sad
For all of us
That we have to say goodbye
But Corrin I gotta tell you
That todays’ the day you die
Will it be
Choking on your breakfast
Of eggs, bacon and toast?
And cardiac arrest
Might finally get your goat
Or maybe a sharp piece of bread
Will pierce your inside cheek
And you’ll get sepsis then and die
I guess that’s pretty bleak
Don’t mind me Corrin!
I’m just a bard!
I’m here to signal
But baby, please don’t worry
Cause your death
Will still be a ‘SURPRISE!’
Corin: I didn’t choke on my breakfast. That was hours ago. Oh, never mind, we’ll talk about this later.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and really, to some extent, every living thing to do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, I do apologize for the interruption at the top of the broadcast. You see, this gentleman has been following me around all day and singing songs about my most basic actions. Things I do every day. Things I don’t think much about. It’s completely out of my control. He has a piano on wheels that he brings around and is somehow able to get up steps and steep hills. I have not been able to get rid of him. You see, there are some complicated regulations around what one might call bards. I know that all of you that love tabletop RPGs literally just ruined your pants at the word bard coming out of my mouth, but there is some history of bards in regards to Kakos Industries and Evil as a whole. And no, I’m not just talking about rolling to seduce an inn-keeper when the rest of your party would really like to be off fighting the dragon now, please. Evil, like many other things, is often worth being immortalized in song, and as such we have to make certain affordances for those who wish to enshrine these Evil individuals and Evil deeds in verse. I’ll get into that more later. As to why today is the last day of Corin Deeth, I cannot say. As far as I know, he is referring to me specifically, and not anyone else with that name, but there has been little to go on in terms of why this is my last day. We have been searching through books of prophecies and other metaphysical claims to see if there’s even an explanation for why this person might think today is my last day. They did a bunch of blood work and scans on me earlier and everything is more or less as it should be. I’m healthy. So that leads us to threats from without. I do not know of any as of yet. No one has challenged me or threatened me. There has been no notice of danger or intent to harm. It is puzzling. But people can just think at any time that it’s going to be my last day and there’s nothing stopping them. There’s also nothing stopping me from waking up tomorrow. At least not anything obvious at this time. I’ve decided that this is likely a prank by one of my competitors, or perhaps even one of the people I have dared to call a friend. Soundman Steven has had an energy and excitement to him all day. I know what my mortal danger does to him in terms of… arousing his spirit, but I’m doing my best not to take it personally. He’s indicating that he is very sorry, but he is not indicating that anything I’ve said so far is wrong. Well, let’s move on.
I must also apologize for the last set of announcements. I was certainly under the weather and not performing at my best. In times like those, I have to rely on those who work under me to do their jobs without supervision, and usually that’s completely fine. Other times, you get reports about video game characters coming out of televisions, like that’s at all possible, or advertisements for employees’ pet projects. At any rate, I am back at my usual strength and ability, and hopefully it will be some time before I am at diminished capacity again.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from an oversized novelty pen. They are calling it the Pen Radio 15. It’s… well, the joke is obvious, but the execution is terrible. This radio comes to us as a collaboration between our Division of Radio Transmission and Park’s Novelty Pens. Radios and pens. It’s pretty obvious what happened here, although the inspiration is a little murky. Did they just draw a Division and a client out of a hat? That would make sense if it wasn’t specifically the Division of Radio Transmission who oversees these broadcasts. Their inclusion is a little too suspicious. It makes you wonder. And wonder is what we do a lot here. Certainly some of our biggest questions have answers, but we know that the people who know those answers are unhappy, and perhaps we are better off not knowing. Knowledge is a funny thing. I am told that this pen has two speakers on opposite sides of its body and that both of them produce mediocre sound. It’s thin, a bit tinny, you know the drill. Cheap. I am told that it only works if you are currently writing, so it was delivered with some paper and some select phrases for you to write over and over and over again. “I Love Kakos” is one of the phrases. “I’m a dirty little sex machine” is another. Inexplicably, “The Underforest is where I home at” is also an option, and I’m not sure anyone actually knows what that means. They asked me if I wanted to include anything about my leadership or sex appeal, and the answer was no. I am not so insecure. I do not need you to write repeatedly about my appeals or prowess. You know them well, and you do not need to be reminded. This broadcast, like all of our broadcasts, is strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a shareholder and you somehow came into possession of one of these pens, then you will need to write “I’m a little Evil monster” repeatedly on the page. This will not save you from our clutches, but it will allow you to become Evil, which will preserve your life, at least in the short term.
We recently had the CEO Festival of the Dance. I didn’t have much say in the planning on account of my illness, so I was surprised to see that it was exactly like it always is. Many of you danced in ways that lampooned me personally. You made fun of my appearance and my mannerisms, and at times made suggestions about odd sexual behaviors I might engage in. And I had the pleasure of deciding whose dancing was so great that I couldn’t deny its merits, and whose dancing fell ever so slightly short of that, and landed that individual in fourth place. The fourth place prize is the opportunity to test a number of exciting new rollercoasters at the Mega Thrillz theme park in Christ Hole Texas, the primary testing facility for the Division of Thrill Ride Testing. There is no guarantee the rides are finished or safe, and that’s kind of the point. If you’re going to make fun of me in dance on a day set aside to honor me, then you had at least better aim for gold. The winning routine came to us from Dorian Smitt-Willy. As offensive and provocative as it was, I could not deny the skill that went into his routine, where, dressed as me, he somehow bent backwards and fit his head up his own ass. I don’t know how a human spine allows for that, but some people are just flexible, I guess. Fourth place ended up being a group routine where they assembled and exaggerated a number of my idiosyncrasies. I’ll admit that I found some parts of it to be humorous, but that did not save them. I have asked the Division of Thrill Ride testing to go easy on them,
We have the Festival of Somnambulation coming up. I’m told the theme this year is “90s Rave.” That sounds like a ton of fun. It is a shame we will likely not remember it.
We also have the Festival of Fertility coming up. I’m told that they accidentally made too much cum, so… get ready, I guess. You know, if you’re trying to conceive.
I received another note earlier like I did last time. It asked the same question, “Do you like me?”, but this time it has a pen drawing of a person. I don’t know who you are. The pen drawing is not very helpful. I might like you or I might not. I don’t have enough information to go on.
I have an update from the Matmos Twins, Clarissa and Hedera. Kimmie and Eddie have been doing their damndest to get anything out of those two other than listless moans and drool. Apparently, they were able to get actual words from them. They stood in front of Kimmie and Eddie and read this poem that they had written. Kimmie did her best to recount it to me respectfully, but I think you’ll see why there might have been some difficulty there.
Qurgurgurth had so much worth.
Qurgurgurth gave us rebirth.
Qurgurgurth of coldness had a dearth.
Qurgurgurth was full of mirth.
Qurgurgurth had a jolly girth.
Now, Qurgurgurth is interred in the Earth.
Now, there’s not much to go on here, partly because there are so few words that rhyme with Qurgurgurth, and by the looks of it they weren’t able to include the city of Perth or Dark Mega Colin Firth. Apparently after reading this poem in unison, they flopped onto the ground. They were examined by our health teams once again and they are fine, except maybe for a bump on the head from the fall. They were basically unresponsive after that. Look, the motherfucker ate me. You don’t get to just eat me and live, okay?
Bard: mmm you’re gonna die, Corin Deeth is gonna die.
Corin’s did some paperwork
That seems a bit risky
What if an errant paper cut
Whisks him away
To the sweet hereafter
Well, that’d be a shame
Poor Corin, and his paper cut
There’s no one left to blame.
An ignoble death For such a dude
That dealt with monsters every day
Figuratively and literally
In the boardroom where he plays
That roving bands of hellish spawn
Didn’t take down our hero
But a teeny tiny paper cut
Left him in deaths limbo
Now Corin baby,
Don’t you fret
It isn’t even over yet
You got some time
To say goodbye
To the shareholders
The apples of your eye
Say goodbye Corin.
Corin: it was such a minor paper cut. I didn’t think anything of it. Right, so there’s this thing called Bard Law. The way it works is that things that would be unacceptable or otherwise frowned upon for normal people are legal and encouraged for those claiming to be bards. They are given a lot of room to experiment and transgress in the expectation that they will create a great piece of music for us. They can inconvenience, they can trespass, they can violate personal space and privacy in the pursuit of their musical inspirations. There have been many court cases in Evil court about this matter and they find that in almost all cases, having a sick song written about you supersedes your right to not be annoyed. Now, there are already plenty of songs about me, but apparently the courts still hold that you have to let people write songs about you within reason, which seems to mean that a few times a year, and at important moments in your life, you can be barded at without consequences. And even if I was barded at a number of times already this year, the last of my days qualifies as an important moment. This may be a loophole intentionally exploited. If I do awaken tomorrow whole and hale, there may be some grounds for legal action in bard court. It’s hard to get your way in bard court. There’s like a bard’s union and all this precedent, and you have to like prove that they knew what they were doing was wrong, and if any bard has ever gotten away with something similar then you’re never going to convince the bard judge, and anyway, it’s best to just let them do their thing I guess.
The Division of Erotic Experience has sent me a picture of what appears to be just a ball of tits. It looks like if one of those Hell monsters was breasts instead of hands or elbows or whatever. There is no context. This might be what they think is most sex, that elusive height of sexuality that they have been searching for now for years, but it also could be just some art they made. They’re not all the same boob, by the way. They seem to have different characteristics. I’m not going to go into detail. Okay, they actually just sent me another picture. It’s the ball of boobs in a cage. Is that sexier? I can’t really get into them. I don’t know. Do they have names? Personalities? What do they like? I’m missing important info here.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to found two keys that when interlocked in just the right way fit perfectly together. They don’t open anything, but they do fit together nicely. They say that it has to be significant, and that the odds of such a combination occurring by random chance is less than one in several million. It’s like some kind of wild art project that only they would appreciate. They also told me there’s a bit of a sound when the keys fit together that is, and I’m quoting here, “what it probably sounds like when keys reach climax.” Is that like a squeaking sound? Never mind. I don’t want to know.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently performed Garsenik vs Old Face. Garsenik is kind of this half-lizard, half-root kind of thing, and old face is like this monster that has mostly face for a body. This was a battle that supposedly happened back in the fifties and it went on for days. The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment did this as a fundraiser where they did the whole battle, blow for blow, for days. The fundraiser went to help Evil children somewhere or something like that. I gave them some money. They’re commitment to the details is just incredible.
The Division of Unusual Exercises has started recommending to people all over social media to try widening their pelvic floor muscles. Just make ‘em real wide. I’m not sure the exercises they’re recommending for this actually do that, but it does give them an opportunity to show people in tight pants doing a number of provocative things with their buttocks. I guess that’s Evil. I once questioned what they do in that division and the head, one Dania Quist, came down to my office and destroyed my mug with a single butt cheek. Honestly, the amount of posturing that goes on in this building is ridiculous.
Shareholders, it’s time to do another employee spotlight. Today, we’re spotlighting Gaspar Marin. Gaspar works in the Division of Taxidermy. Apparently he taxidermied the monster formerly known as A37-9C-11 AKA The Mind Melting Terror that died recently of more or less natural causes with such incredible accuracy that no one can actually go in that room anymore, except him. Way to go, Gaspar. You went above and beyond and now we have another unusable room. Still, I’m sure it’s incredible work. They tell me that he now has some kind of neurological issue with his vision that prevents him from seeing certain kinds of things, including things that inspire deep and insurmountable dread. That’s actually a useful skill around here. Gaspar’s got a long career ahead of him.
Kimmie and Eddie have recently added a motorcycle slot to their mechs. So they fly around in these humanoid robots and then when they go to land, they can eject out onto a motorcycle. The tests have not gone as smoothly as you might hope. The skin of Kimmie’s left side has some gnarly road rash at the moment, but it’s healing nicely. The other day I saw Eddie completely nail the ejection onto the motorcycle and then did some sick skids in the parking lot. Honestly, it’s cool as hell. Kimmie suggested adding a sidecar to her motorcycle both for stability and also so that when I fly with her I can get ejected also. I’m not sure that’s the kind of thing I want. Being propelled out of a robot onto a sick motorcycle is rad as hell, but… It’s a lot like being shot out of a canon, you know? Have that happen to you a few times and you either decide you love it or you’re turned off to it forever. That’s what I think anyway. Eddie suggested that I get my own motorcycle, which might work, but I’m really more of a four wheel person. I understand that they have some plans in place to try to make their robots fit together to make a larger robot, but they say that’s hard to accomplish without at least four robots. There was a heavy implication in the air. I can’t get into mech building. I have too many hobbies and not enough free time as it is. It’s really cool. I’ll admit that, but there’s a lot of reading. A whole lot of reading.
They say that Evil once bet it all on black and then burned the casino down, making all of the roulette spaces black, and then robbed the casino. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for Lavender, Spearmint, and that one stank-ass smell you caught a whiff of one time that made you almost vomit. Of course, we can’t be certain that we did these things, but you had better believe us. If you don’t, there is yet a worse smell, and you just might catch a whiff.
Kit Loveless has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. That means that the life of Kit’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Ma’fucker Jones. We gave the wheel a sturdy spin and an it landed on the space for hungry. From this day forward, Ma’fucker Jones will be 33% more hungry, both for food and also for many other things in life. This hunger won’t be so extreme that it can’t be ignored, but it will take some brain power to keep it at bay. For Evil measure, Kit Loveless will be 13% less hungry in all the ways that matter. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination squad have been running around in old-timey barrels with suspenders. They must have made them themselves. We do occasionally use barrels for things, but it’s fairly rare outside of the Division of Spirituous Liquor. I don’t have that much of a problem with this one. It’s not messy, it’s not particularly obscene, it is funny, and it reduces the number of them that can be in a given space due to the size of the barrel. You don’t want them… collecting… anywhere.
Bard: Mmmmmm, Corin Deeth the third is gonna die
Look at Dear old Corin
Walking down the corridor
He’d never noticed just how high
These vaulted ceilings were before
He never looks above him
And so he’ll never see
That he’s gonna be crushed by way more
Corin: Wait, didn’t you have a piano before? I think I mentioned it earlier on. Yeah, you definitely had a piano. What was that lyric about being crushed by my work? There’s a piano over my head, shareholders. It’s suspended really poorly. Yeah, that could definitely crush me any minute. Hey, wait a second, are you a Bard Assassin?
Bard: Oh, uh, yeah.
Corin: Then you can’t be in here! Only regular bards are allowed to follow people around like this. You’re violating bard law. Oh, uh, wow, security was really on it. They got that guy the hell out of here fast. The piano is still up there, though. Shareholders, I have to finish these announcements. I think I have to risk it. Soundman, are you going to be able to hold on? His excitement, shareholders… he might pass out. Let’s wrap this up. Destroy that pen however and here are the numbers.
And I am out of here.
BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a docent wielding museum piece.
OLLIE: Special Guest appearance in this episode by Oliver Morris. You can catch more from them at their psychedelic horrifying noir podcast Kane and Feels or on their just psychedelic podcast Lighting Bottle. I remember. I remember the name.
Briauna: Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack, Diontrey, and Dwight Spencer. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who knows the secret, but won’t tell, Rocket who may have witnessed the secret, Kristina Kirkland, who may be involved in the secret, and Anastasia K, who the secret might be about. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the guests for the hotel. Now there’s a family with too many kids. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old electric signal sequencer at online auction. Apparently it has uses in torture. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started increasing the fiber in the diets of certain employees so they spend less time in the restroom. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “That’s gonna be a big one from me, dawg, and the one is a no”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Food Canon, “It’s exciting waiting for it to hit. 9/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Everything is Cheese”. It replaces every ingredient with cheese. This is probably the most probable one yet.. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 223. There’s a spot that’s a solid twenty degrees cooler than the rest of the building. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It’s the air conditioning being set just a little too low after having no one in the office all weekend. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The weenus is gaining ground, even though we all know it’s a dead IRL meme. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that has frog juice all around the edge and you will start to trip if it touches an open wound. You still have to finish your turn, however.. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed the Rein-Canary. It just won’t stay dead. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that collects trading cards. They’re small and mostly home made, but these bugs can tell you all about them. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked a bunch of snakes in a barrel. We can’t count because they are venomous and very upset. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a pencil you can turn off. It looks much the same in its off state, but don’t try to use it like that. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has made an entire crossword that is one single clue and is in fact a very long sentence using both horizontal and vertical directions. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created chits that allow you to keep track of tens and hundreds places with the in game currency, adding a level of granularity no one asked for. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains finally found the house the package was destined for. It was barely a wall in an open field, but all the same, duty done. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos industries can be dark. Try making a deal with it to keep it at bay.