135 – Out Sick
in which Corin is under the weather and requires the assistance of his Divisions to make the announcements go smoothly. Do Evil Better.
The following was written under no supervision by myself by a number of Kakos Industries listeners.
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What you are about to hear is tricks involving cup stacking with no commentary.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients and other people too,I guess, to Do Evil Better. My name is COrin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. You’ll have to forgive me, shareholders. It seems that despite the image I like to present of being invincible is a lie, and I recently experienced a bit of an illness. I do not need to go into it in any detail, but suffice it to say that I have been away from my duties and relying on those under me to keep things afloat in my absence. I trust that they were all the most professional and did their jobs perfectly, and the notes that I am about to read will show that fact. Let’s dive in.
Today’s broadcast is being delivered on a gramophone that was delivered to your house via the Incoming Projectiles window. It says here, “yep, we’re going old-school this time.” The gramophone is part of Kakos Industries’ recent collaboration with Mulligan’s Audio Antiques. You may have noticed that it is a bright pink. The note attached to the delivery said that the manufacturers, quote, “wanted to spice things up a bit”, unquote. The audio quality is surprisingly crisp, although being launched through a window may dampen the bass somewhat for a few of you. This broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then you may find yourself “spiced up”. That could mean so many things.
We recently had the Festival of Self Love. I am told by the DIvision of Dionysia that this event was “hasty and unplanned.” We flipped the switch and all of you had a mighty urge that needed taking care of immediately. There were some awkward lines around the building’s many bathrooms as you desperately tried to keep the self love contained until you could reach a private place to engage. This urge was unique among related urges because none of you had any interest in touching another person. This was business you had to see to alone. And so you did. When it was your turn.
Coming up we have the CEO Festival of the Dance, Shareholders. Even though I’m under the weather, remember that I can and will make everyone tie for 4th place if I have to,. The Division of Thrill Ride Testing, housed in the Mega Thrills Theme Park in Christ Hole, Texas, is starting to get back on its feet, employee and visitor wise, so I’m sure that they’d love to have some test subjects for their various new ‘amusements’. You have been warned. I have a lot of pent up energy right now, so I may need to expend it on some wrathful judgment.
Shareholders, due to the illness I just mentioned, my support staff has once again hamstrung my ability to wander around my own building. You know who you are…. GRACE! And so I don’t know a whole lot about what’s been going on recently. Because of this, I’ve opened the floor for some of our more obscure Divisions to share new and interesting updates to jazz it up a little.
I have here a report from our newest division of Critter Collecting. Apparently they have been working on a new app to combat a recent, let’s say, infestation… for those of you not in the know, the Division of Genes, Jeans and Jeans (pronounced Johns) had accidentally released over a hundred unique species of genetically modified creatures all over the tall grass lawn. I think they are called “Catchimals?” This app apparently zaps them with some kinda beam from your phone and stores them in a “Catchalogue?” I don’t know what that is, but I hear you can battle and trade them on the app too. It’s surprisingly addictive. I think we can make toys of it. That’s pretty evil, right? Just this morning I caught something called a “Goopaloo.” Looks like a jello mold with eyes and antenna. It’s very cute and I have the intense desire to buy a plushie every time I see it. I saw another one floating by the window of my apartment here in the building. It looked kinda like a cloud, or a marshmallow…? Whatever it is, I really want one… I have a double battle coming up with Kimmy and Eddie. Soundman Steven and I have been working on our teams and I think we are going to win. This sounds a lot like product placement. Did we just do product placement? Well, I suppose that depends entirely on whether the final product gets made.
A message from the Division of Hair and Beauty Trends– wait are they the ones waiting outside with the make-up kits? I keep telling them I don’t need help with that. My eyeliner wings are perfect as is. Anyway, the Division says mullets are still banned from all convention appearances, orgies, or other Kakos events. They’re tired of saying it. The next guest seen with a mullet will immediately be nominated to try all the gene therapies we’ve been cooking up. At the same time. Even those “stylish” mullets with shaved sides won’t spare you, and I’ve been informed some of the mutations are “super weird” this time around. Take that as a threat or an incentive… Soundman, are those new highlights in your hair? No, they look good, I just didn’t know you got them. Your eyeliner wings are great, too.
Ughhhhh, the Division of Excessive Expletives has a public service announcement they would like me to read. These tend to be a lot… ahem: *Insert a long string of beeping and some dolphin noises* and that’s fucking all from us.
Shareholders, I feel the need to tell you that when I came into the studio today there was an envelope with a tape inside from my grandfather waiting on my desk. Soundman, please play the tape.
CD1st: “Hey there, sport, I heard you’re feeling a little sick so here’s some drugs to perk you right up, hopefully there’s still some left by the time this gets to you and I haven’t taken them all yet. Okay, Love you, grandpa”
Love you too grandpa. Shareholders, I’m surprised to say alongside the tape there were still some drugs left: gummy bears, some purple pills, a few blotter papers, and a little baggie of crushed powder the lab tells me is boner pills. I had a gummy earlier, but I’m not feeling anything yet so I’m going to have another *eating noises*. Oh that sticks to the teeth. Soundman, would you like some? He says no.
The Division of Near-Death Experiences has come up with an all-inclusive spa to attract those of you interested in extreme sports. Those of you who like doing crazy stunts for the social media clout and to attract the attention of your lesser, inferior peers can now spend a weekend at the Very Scary Death Volcanic Resort on Death Plug Island. Different packages include: exfoliative baths in the mouth of the volcano, underwater massages in piranha infested waters, and rappelling off the side of the caldera without a harness. The resort offers only the best of Near-Death Experiences, and you will simply drive your family and “friends” mad with jealousy when they see that YOU got to jump from a helicopter onto the back of an ancient, previously extinct mammoth species that we here at Kakos Industries have cloned for the specific purpose of giving you, shareholders, the perfect near-death experience that you can brag about on social media. If you come to the Very Scary Death Volcanic Resort your safety is not guaranteed, and vacation at the spa may result in actual death.
The Division of Actual Dungeons and Dragons would like me to remind all of you that although there has been a resurgence in interest in the game with a very similar name, please stop coming to their offices and asking to play tabletop role playing games. They specialize in keeping actual dragons we made in the Kakos Industries dungeons, located near the Basement Ballroom, and all you nerds showing up in elf cosplays asking to “fight and/or fuck” the tentacle monster will not like it when they take you down to the dungeons and the tentacle monster drowns you for fun. Do people actually do that Soundman? They do? You are some freaky weird people, Shareholders. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably have to say it again- just because a monster is there doesn’t mean you should automatically try to fuck it. Alternatively, if you do want to go down to the dungeon and feed our resident dragon Brad, please report to the office of Keily Rose, our dungeon master.
A note has just been given to me. This one is not from my Grandfather. It reads, “Do you like me? Yes/No” Soundman do we know who this is from? No? Wait someone just took the note from me. Did they take my question as an answer or did they realize they gave it to the wrong person? Oh well. This will likely never come up again.
The division of baking and brawling has started preparation for their quarterly bake sale. I’ve been told there’s been a lot of training to prepare for this sale, lifting dough out of bowls and placing it into other bowls, dough hook squats and something called sugar training where it looks like they take turns sticking their hands in boiling sugar to ‘toughen up the skin’. Whatever that means. Well whatever their method it looks like there’s going to be a pretty great selection, so come hungry and ready to fight.
The Division of Sneaking Song’s into Corin’s Scripts has asked me to sing what looks like a theme song for Catchimals? I can barely speak and your asking me to sing? That is… very evil.
It looks like the Division of Figuring Shit Out has cleared up our problem with the Illuminati and our Old Babies Program. They weren’t grandfathered in because they’re babies and the Division of Semantics was getting really shitty about it, but we traded some programs that they had been eyeing to keep this one firmly on our side. I’m cool with that, those projects were basically non-starters anyway and the Divisions that they were attached to are happy to be rid of the burden of trying to solve problems such as all dogs being labeled as ‘Good Boys’ regardless of their Evil status, as well as Midwesterners’ use of the word ‘Ope’ and crippling ranch dressing addictions. They were puzzling our Division of Making Memes Better to no end. Now they’re able to focus on ramping Karens up to Dark Mega Karens and deciphering ThwickThwok algorithms.
Kimmie and Eddie have been checking in on me periodically to make sure that I’ve been doing okay, Shareholders. I appreciate their concern for my well-being and it’s been a nice surprise to wake up from a sick nap covered in a comfortable blanket with some soup standing by for me. Kimmie has been alternately working on her mechs with Eddie and picking up skills at the Division of Cozy Kitchen Vibes. She’s…. Dammit Shareholders, she’s also really great at cooking. It drives me crazy that Kimmy kicks ass at everything she tries. I kind of see how she managed to become the leader of the Cult of Ohh Ahh, how could she not? Regardless, her various soups and freshly-baked breads have been giving me physical and psychological comfort through this and I’m grateful for that. But still envious of her nigh-superhuman skill set.
Eddie has been checking in occasionally and showing me the finer points of relaxing into my surroundings. I think that everyone is sure I’ve gotten this sickness from working too hard (Violet Trudge, much?), so they’re trying to get me to relax more. I think I’m getting more of Eddie’s mentality and vibe figured out. She likes to let the world do its thing and jump in and out when it suits her. I don’t think I could ever live like that, but I can respect it.
The devious Division of Devilishly Delectable Deli’s has divided dozens of delicious donuts dutifully. Due to the department’s dramatic deficiency of direction, division director Dave Dobson defiantly doubles down, denying disputes, disagreement and discord among the department’s diverse denizens. This message was brought to you by the division of Aggravating Alliteration.
The Division of Impossible Video Game Achievements has begun research into a new form of game play after recovering from the scarring damage of the previous waifu wars. They refer to this new tactic as never-clipping. If you are one of the high-and-mighty productive types that look down on video games, first of all, fuck you! Nobody gives a flying fuck you learned to make sourdough starter while indoors. Second of all, no-clipping is where you intentionally break the rules and boundaries of a game in order to access areas you shouldn’t otherwise be able to enter. It’s a particular tactic of video game speedrunners to achieve record completion times. Never-clipping is like that, but more evil. Rather than break game boundaries, players can break reality boundaries and characters come out of the screen, a place they shouldn’t be. The players then lose control of said characters as the realization dawns on them that their life was a simulation, a plaything puppeted for the pure amusement of this unholy God that sits before them. This has had mixed results, with characters attacking the players in some feeble attempt to regain a semblance of control they never had, falling into existential crisis over the fact that their life has only now truly begun, or just straight-up getting into full-on fuckfests with the players and whoever else may be around. Sometimes a mix of all three. I’m not entirely sure why the fucking was an outcome. Distraction, I guess? Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Aashna of the Division of Erotic Experiences were very interested in that result. In their opinion, dating sims could be what is most sex, and I quote, “what is more sex than a horny gamer getting it on with their dream himbo daddy or waifu anime girl?” All I can say is, be careful of reigniting the waifu wars. You know what they say about playing with fire. While it was funny hearing about a cartoon hedgehog having a full-fucking meltdown, I was still confused to the purpose of all this. This is the Division of Impossible Video Game Achievements after all. When I asked the researchers what the actual impossible achievement is supposed to be, all they said was “putting them back in.” Yeah…. we are going to need to house these video game personas somewhere. Maybe Monster Kakos has an apartment building or something. I’ll have to ask Junior. This feels like his area of expertise. Soundman, what the fuck did I just read? Is any of that true? I know you have a scar from the Waifu Wars, but you were an innocent bystander. The rest of it. Are we cloning people from games? 3D printing them? Well, whatever. This will probably never come up again.
The Division of Genesis and Genealogy wants everyone to know that they have been combing the recycling for used bottles and collecting hair samples from desks, floors, furniture, and toilet seats. They have been combing for hair samples and recycling saliva. Basically, they’ve been following all of us around trying to harvest our DNA which I think we can all agree is a basically evil activity. They are pleased to announce that at least four percent of samples are returning with some form of familial match to me. Can somebody call them up or send an email? What does this even mean? Is it just that four percent of all the DNA they collected is mine or that I have a bunch of relatives I don’t know about? They may want to stop playing in that particular sandbox. Fighting to the death with clones is like a whole thing.
The Division of Domination has an update. We haven’t heard from them for a while. They write that Bondage Purgatory hasn’t felt the same since “someone” finished all 66 tasks in record time and they need something new to “spice things up”. They’ve given me a list of suggestions, let’s see here:
Sharper barbed wire whips. We can manage that
More rope. Don’t they make their own rope?
New furniture makers. I’ll ask the Division of Wood Working and Working Wood if they can spare anyone
Slipperier lube, I’ll have the Division of Erotic Experiences send over a barrel of their latest product, Extra Slip Slippin Slippery Lube
And a silicone clone of… Nope, Junior will never agree to that.
The Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To has received word that one of the keys they shot into space has indeed opened one of the secrets of the universe. It seems that the secret to the planet Har-Na-Darn is a molten alloy of brass and aluminium raining down on them from their atmosphere. Apparently the secret that they’ve discovered is that on HarNaDarn is that this combination of molten metal grows flowers there. These flowers are seriously poisonous to HarNaDarn’s enemies on HarNaGarn, so we may have accidentally broken the Prime Directive. I don’t think we have to follow that, but some of the space types are doing some hand-wringing about it. I’ll have to get Dennis Lelio from TINFOIL to check that out. *sighs* I’m sure he’s gonna bitch me out about it too… Soundman, remind me that I need to do something to butter him up before I talk to him about it. Maybe get him another assistant to help deal with Derrick. No, not an assistant FOR Derrick. And Assistant to DEAL WITH Derrick.
Soundman Steven has started trying to host a weekly vinyl collectors’ night in the staff lounge. So far the competition started at who has the most obscure or outdated music, and when we realized that, no matter the result, there was going to be no winner, we decided to find out what album is most Evil. After spending an entire night just going through the best of 80s hair metal, it appears that this is as complicated as figuring out what is most sex. This competition may or may not continue depending on staff interest, vinyl collections, and if the staff start to spend too much time on rare vinyl websites instead of doing Evil.
The Division of Loud Cars has announced a new all-electric version of its iconic two-door Kakophon. This sleek sports car is powered by a state-of-the-art electric motor that could be whisper-quiet but chooses not to be. It comes with a special new Rock And Roll All Night package that amplifies all car sounds by an additional 44% between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am, or within 100 feet of a school, musical venue, or hospital. When you’re in this car, nobody will suspect how large your charging cable is.
The Division of Entirely Unnecessary Corporate Euphemisms would like to remind all supervisors, managers, overseers, and other people-leaders that they are not to refer to any changes to an employee’s status within Kakos Industries as “downsizing” or “right-sizing.” While these are both tried-and-true euphemisms, the DEUCE has mandated that such events be referred to as, “Adverse corporate experiences,” effective last week. Several people-leaders have not used the new and updated ACE forms when filing the requisite paperwork for their soon-to-be-former employees, and this is causing some unfortunate delays in processing that paperwork. While the DEUCE understands that everyone is struggling to find resources right now, and that Kakos Industries is a fast-paced, dynamic workplace, with diverse stakeholders and priorities, ensuring timely completion of requisite processes is a necessary part of our corporate mission, not to mention that extra paperwork is always pure evil. It’s also part of your annual performance evaluations and yearly salary reviews, so the DEUCE strongly advises you to file the paperwork appropriately.
Break room number 36 1/2 will be closed for the next 6 weeks due to hazmat cleaning and reconstruction. The decontamination team and the janitorial staff would like to remind you that science experiments are not allowed in the break room refrigerators or microwaves. Personal experiments are only allowed in break rooms 7, 33 1/3 ,68, 70, and 98.6. No desserts are allowed in break room 3.14 and break room 42 doesn’t exist.
They say that Evil is as Evil does, so this week we are taking credit for all pop tabs on cans. We planned random cuts and general sharp cutter, and even the times when the tab comes off and the top of the can doesn’t move. If you think we’re not responsible, then just wait until the next time you aren’t feeling well and you want a nice bowl of soup but the can has a tab on the top and the can opener doesn’t work as a back up.
The winner of today’s Ruin a Life Drawing is Janey’s Pet Snail, which is somehow the name of an actual person. The life of Janey’s Pet Snail will be ruined. Janey’s Pet Snail’s nemesis is Sarah’s Pet Snail, which we swear is another human person. We gave the wheel of misery a spin and it landed on Salty, from this day on Sarah’s Pet Snail will be 46% more salty. That’s going to sting shareholders. For Evil measure Janey’s pet snail will be 14% less salty. Stock up on junk food. I guess?
Apparently I’ve been handed another winner, this happens from time to time when we accidentally draw two names and can’t decide on just one life to ruin. Zander (zan • dr) has won the second Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Zander’s nemesis Pidge will now have their life ruined. We gave the Wheel of Misery a comically bad spin and it somehow spun and spun. It started to slow down and then spun again. It landed on the space for Ska. From this day forward, Pidge will be 30% more Ska. Not necessarily into Ska more, just more Ska. For evil measure, Zander has been made 12% less Ska. Congrats or sorry, I’m not really sure?
The Damnation and Ruination Squad are dressed up in armor made from beach furniture. They are wielding plastic little shovels and wearing sandcastle buckets as helmets. They have welded beach chairs together to form chest pieces and are using beach towels as skirts/kilts. I think their shoes are just deflated beach balls? They have taken to using umbrellas as shields and are blocking crowded hallways using a phalanx like formation. We are going to have to take those away, it’s unlucky to open umbrellas inside.
Shareholders, I’m still feeling under the weather. I know that a healthy CEO is important to the running of the company, but this absolute shitshow of announcements today has certainly clarified that for me. These Divisions are all doing Evil work, certainly, but I like to have slightly more of a hand in it. Hopefully next time I’ll be able to sculpt the narrative a little bit better, figuratively speaking. Stay healthy, wealthy, wise, and Evil, Shareholders. Until next time. Oh right, the gramophone. Take it to an antique dealer and get it appraised… and then destroy it in front of the dealer.
The numbers are next:
Sevenhundred and twenty nine
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk who is also the voice of Corin Deeth and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins and the credits are read by Brianna Kittle, an extremely old soul in a brand new mechanical new form.
This episode was written by
- Kayve (like cave) Pemberton, from the Division of Mountains, Cliffs and Peaks. They’ve recently begun work on an even taller, even pointier peak than ever before. Progress looks to be going smoothly, and Jupiter’s tallest mountain will be completed by 3050.
- Ariella Jedan
- Toasty Retinas
- Al-Amin Ali (pronounced Uhl-uh-meen Uhl-lee)
- Corny Claire
- Q Themusic
- Pepijn Poolman
- Frank the Anonymous Pumpkin
- Moko the Chocobo
- Geeky meerkat
- Two Ravens
- A cat from the Division of Domination
Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Alfredo Ravioli, Jack Attack and Dwight Spencer. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who has two thumbs, Rocket who also has two thumbs, Kristina Kirkland, who has two thumbs as well, and Anastasia K, who has an even number of thumbs less than three. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started to knit the guests for the hotel. One is a really weird guy that they just know is going to leave a mess. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has discovered a comb that is just brutal for your hair, but it does increase Evil thoughts. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started clearing their throats all the time, reminding people where they are and that they had better get moving. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-noooooooooo”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Melon-Topia. “It’s all of the melons, even some of the ones they don’t want you to know about. 13/27”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Cooking with Rocks”. It’s bound to go over like a lead zeppelin. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 14-99-AB. It giggles a little bit as you go.. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It’s that feeling that everything on your desk has been moved a tiny bit and your muscle memory has to be adjusted. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The middle toe has recently lost favor to the mole just off from the belly button. They all have one, apparently.. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that allows you to reset the whole day. The day doesn’t actually reset, but everyone there for the game has to pretend like it did. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed Spanksgiving, a holiday for giving and receiving spanks, if you’re int that sort of thing. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that flies upside down. Sure, that’s just how it flies, but it’s still upside down. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked two giraffes, one standing on the other’s back. It makes you uneasy to look at. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a wall with an off switch. It doesn’t open like a door, I’ll tell you that much. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has developed a new initialism that they have determined everyone should know, obviously. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created an expansion to an outrageous card game that just adds less outrageous cards to the mix. The Division of Post Apocalyptic Delivery directed by Cave Hill, King Kill of the Murder Valley in the Mountains left the package next to the frozen corpse. He may never know what his loved ones sent him, but the package didn’t belong anywhere else. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark, try putting up a sign so others know never to go near it.