133 – Evil Con
in which we attend Evil Con, we learn about the many events and learning opportunities, we hear from Dirk, Violet, Wilma Perkinses, several Lachlans, a traitor is discovered in our midst, and the Big Green Monster “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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RYAN: What you are about to hear is a live recording of something called a podcast. I’m sorry, that’s not right. What you are about to hear is the sound of someone breaking a bunch of styrofoam.
CORIN: Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we specialize in helping out clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Welcome to a very special presentation of the shareholder announcements. You see, we are broadcasting today live from Evil Con in front of an ostensibly living audience. Living audience, please make yourselves known. Make some noise or something. Hoot. Holler. Scream. Turn yourselves inside out noisily. You know, the usual audience things. You see, shareholders at home? There are people here. Some of them are shareholders. Some of them are about to be shareholders. You see, this event will need to serve several functions and I hope that you will bear with me for all of these functions. The first function: new shareholder orientation. We will need to talk about Kakos Industries. What it is. What it does. Who is a part of it. All of those important questions. The second function: we will need to talk about Evil Con as it is happening around us, and perhaps just hidden behind what might look like some other convention. The sharp-eyed among us can see the Evil. The diabolical among us know where to stop for the right kind of merch. The most nefarious of us know where to knock to see the real shit. You know, the real shit. The third function: puffing up my ego with live reactions. Here’s where you laugh. Actually, just don’t stop laughing. I want to hear a constant stream of laughter from right now until the end of the broadcast. Go on. Laugh. Don’t stop. Never stop laughing. Laugh so hard that you bleed. Actually, this is getting a bit annoying. You can stop I guess. The fourth function, and perhaps the most important of all: One among us in this room right now is a traitor to Evil, guilty of the highest crimes. What exactly are those crimes? I don’t know. I don’t care. They told me someone is guilty and I said fine let’s punish them. How will we be punishing that person? Unknown at this time. At least to you. I will remind all of you on a completely unrelated note that there are sign up sheets here at the front of the room where you can put down your name and email address and things of that nature for numerous different opportunities. On this document here, you can even pledge that you are not the traitor. Go on. Sign the document that says you aren’t the traitor. There is definitely no chance that I’ll be bringing you on stage at any point. No chance at all. You will simply be telling all of us that you are not the traitor and signing your name to that fact. And agreeing to let us use your likeness and your voice and whatnot. Just in case you say something witty from the crowd, you know. Not on stage. Never on stage. This is my stage. Let us begin the announcements.
Those of you listening at home or wherever it is you usually get your Kakos Industries announcements will be listening to these words and the general ambience of this conference room through a Weird Small Radio. Some of you may remember our partnership with Odd Little Radio from many, many, many years ago, and you might think, wow, that sounds like the same company but if you jumble up some of the words using a thesaurus. You would be correct. Odd Little Radio got into some “trouble” lately when their “CEO” “said some things” in a “public forum”, and they have determined that some rebranding, as well as some re-staffing, is in order. They have decided to distance themselves from oddness, and littleness, and instead embrace strangeness and smallness. The radios are identical, however. In fact their CEO had so little to do with day to day operations that I’m not sure anything of real value has changed. Not every CEO is as hands-on as yours truly. Not every CEO is as important to daily operations as yours truly. Not every CEO is as handsome with a peculiar dominate energy. But I digress. I am told that the audio quality is both small and strange, though not exactly bad, and with a roundness in the middle frequencies, a fullness in the upper register, and a tightness of the low end. Overall a complete, if not thoroughly enjoyable audio quality. The trouble is that the recording setup is… lo-fi. The clarity and separation of the radio will be muddled by the use of pedestrian dynamic microphones.or condenser mikes. The honesty of the high end will be tainted by room reverberations and potential feedback issues. The dynamic range may be spoiled by distortion, and not the distortion we do on purpose. Now, don’t get me wrong. This is not the fault of the room, nor is it the fault of Soundman Steven, who meticulously set the recording conditions. It is simply not our booth back at the office where every element is controlled to the finest degree. One thing I will say for this space is that it is filled with beautiful and intriguing shareholders. This is where I have a bit of bad news for some of you in the audience at this moment. These announcements are only for Kakos Industries shareholders. That may pose a problem for some of you who came into this space as non-shareholders. You see, you are now Kakos Industries shareholders. Every single one of you, whether you want to be or not. This is permanent and non-transferrable. Perhaps you didn’t expect your life to change tonight, but here we are. You are one of us now. Forever. Let’s talk about what that means.
Kakos Industries is a vast, and some would say unknowable entity. We cannot say for certain because those who tried to know all of it did go insane in the process, but that’s not to say that no one will ever be strong enough to handle it in its entirety. We simply do not know. Its unknowableness seems to also be unknowable at this stage. We have many divisions working on a great many things for our clients all over the world. We help small businesses to be a little bit more Evil in their day to day operations. We help large businesses to spread small Evils around creating huge waves of Evil in the long term. We help individuals to acknowledge and really lean into the darkness within, whatever that means for them. We’ll do a quick Q&A.
What is Evil?
That is contextual.
Am I Evil?
If you have to ask, then yes.
Is sex Evil?
Yes. The good didn’t want it and they can’t have it back just because they changed their minds, okay? It’s ours. Even the boring stuff. Even the everyday stuff. Even the stuff you do. It’s all Evil.
Is masturbation Evil?
That is also contextual.
Well, I think that about wraps up the usual questions.
You should also know that we at Kakos Industries like to party. This is why we have tons of events throughout the year to celebrate everything from books, to nudity, to wishing the Universe darker through sheer willpower.
We recently had a celebration here at Kakos Industries called “Mudcoming”, which I initially interpreted to be a variation on homecoming. I was wrong. It was messy. We will likely never do it again.
We have the Festival of Innovation coming up, which is usually an opportunity for our highest tech clients to make giant machines of horrible death and destruction, put them head to head on the battlefield, and watch them fuck, for some reason. These engineers are so sexually repressed it’s not even funny.
We also have Evil Con. This brings us to purpose number two from my introduction. You didn’t forget the four functions of this set of announcements did you? Purpose number two is Evil Con.
This is Evil Con. You might have seen a different sign on the door. You may have bought a ticket to a different event. But when you walked in that door this evening, you stepped from your usual world into the world of Evil Con. Ordinarily we would hold Evil Con in San Diego where the value of human life is squandered in endless lines and ten-thousand person convention halls, but this year we wanted something a bit more intimate. We wanted something off the beaten path. We wanted to reach people we might not always reach. We wanted to reach you. Now, this is the first night of Evil Con, so it is possible that you have already seen some of the sights, but, to give you an idea of what else you might be able to find if you go looking in the right places, I am joined by Wilma Perkinses, one of the organizers for Evil Con.
Wilma: Thank you so much for that introduction, Corin, and I am happy to talk to the shareholders about the convention, some best practices, and some panels and events that are not to be missed. Let’s begin with some basic guidelines. If you see someone wearing a sexy costume, do not touch them. That covers the basic guidelines, Corin. Let’s move on to some of the exhibit spaces. In room Evil 36, there is an enormous snake named Jamesy. He is not slimy. He is venomous, but that is the least of your worries if one of his sixteen inch fangs pierces any part of you. In Room Evil 90, there is an endless void that you can walk into forever until you forget who you are or why you are there, and perhaps you can just fade away. In Room Evil 73, there are people behaving like cats. In Room Evil 99, there are arcade games The Man doesn’t want you to know about. In Room Evil 55, everyone is naked. No one knows why. You should be emotionally prepared for that. In Room Evil 112, there is a ball pit. Under the ball pit, there is an endless void you can walk through forever until you forget who you are and begin to fade into nonexistence. In Room Evil 18, there are refreshments. Please remember to stay hydrated. In Room Evil 22, there is a dead body you can look at. Under the dead body there is an endless void you can walk through until you cease to exist. In Room Evil 35, you can see all of the advancements we’ve made in terms of weaponry and the machines of war. In room 79, adult film star Orphelia Bazhene will be signing autographs. In Evil Room 22AFG, there is sex. Under the sex there is an endless void that you can walk through forever until you cease to exist.
Corin: Any other bits of advice?
Wilma: There are amazing things happening everywhere. Just try to be open to a new experience and you never know what might happen. It’s always fun and exciting.
Corin: Thank you, Wilma.
I think we’ve more or less taken care of function number three, which brings us to function number four. Someone in this room is a traitor to Evil. Now, I have a walkie talkie here that connects me to the greatest hunter of the good known to man. Or at least one of the several. At random. There is a family here at Kakos Industries that takes pride in hunting the good. They typically have the last name Lachlan, and they all insist on using walkie talkies to communicate. This walkie talkie… it calls one of them at random. Well, I think we have to try it, don’t we?
Angus: Hello, there, Corin. Angus here. What can I do for you?
Corin: How goes the search for the traitor to Evil?
Angus: Well, Corin, many of my usual techniques do not apply in this scenario. I’ve attempted to taste the dirt nearby, but unfortunately everything is carpet and these fibers are giving me very little to go on.
Corin: Angus, do you have any leads at all?
Angus: I feel strongly that the traitor might be in the north western quadrant of the room. I’m basing that on nothing at all. A bit of Cane Toad wisdom. Hold up, Corin. I see a monster in the distance. I think I’m going to try to put my fingers in its mouth.
Corin: No, wait, Angus, that’s probably not a real monster.
Angus: It can’t be helped, Corin.
Corin: get consent first! Oh, I think he stopped listening. We’ll try again later.
Let’s check in with operations back at the Kakos Industries facilities. I should be able to call any division at all. Let’s see, how about the Division of Penguin Economics.
Corin: Hi, Violet.
Violet: That’s unprofessional.
Corin: What would you prefer me to call you?
Violet: Not at all.
Corin: Right. Well, how are things going back at Kakos Industries?
Violet: Oh, everything is just great, CORIN. Everything is just peachy. Do you know how much I’m in charge of right now?
Corin: New shareholders, I would like to introduce Violet Trudge, the hardest working employee we have. When anyone calls out or has to take time away from the office for a convention, Violet tends to step up to pick up the slack.
Violet: I don’t “step up”, I am “forced to take on extra responsibilities or the whole fuckdamn building collapses.” I am the only thing keeping this company from impending collapse 24/7.
Corin: Violet, have you been taking your mandatory breaks?
Violet: Yes. The board has given me an assistant who handles everything for the fifteen minutes I am forbidden from working. Then they take the next seven hours and forty five minutes off.
Corin: That doesn’t sound like a healthy work-life balance.
Violet: Work is life, Corin. You would understand that if you ever worked.
Corin: I’m working right now.
Violet: Look, Corin, everything back here at the building is fine. I’m maintaining one hundred and forty-three experiments, overseeing 93 business deals, and assembling one dining set from a Swedish catalog. Do you really want to keep me from any of that?
Corin: I suppose not.
Violet: Fuck. That’s my break. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Corin: Let’s cut the feed there.
Violet tends to get a bit cranky when she is forced not to work. I understand that her breaks are mostly just venting frustration like that. We are glad to have her helping out though. Her ability to juggle so much has allowed around three hundred employees to enjoy the convention here. Of course, if she does this for too many days in a row, she’s liable to breed another super illness inside of her, and none of us can afford that.
It has been requested that I do another employee spotlight. These are supposed to be monthly. Let’s see [drawing name from hat] Capricia Wimz] is the employee this time around. It says here that they were able to clear a clog from the big vat of monster excretion by wading into the vat and getting their hands dirty. Like really getting their hands in there and getting that clog out of there. See this is a situation where I feel like the person might not want to have been acknowledged for their selflessness on account of me having to tell everyone about the monster excretions that they were covered in, but SOME PEOPLE insist on having these employee spotlights. Thank you [Capricia Wimz] for getting in the muck and saving the day.
New shareholders will not yet know about the Matmos Twins Clarissa and Hedera. It’s kind of a long story involving some erotic nightmares and being digested by a large monster. They were in service of a monster called Qurgurgurth and we’ve been trying really hard to figure out if there’s anything going on between their ears. They have this kind of lithe passivity and we tend to find them reclining in strange places around the building. They will eat, so we know that they’re getting nutrition, but they’re getting tired of the food puzzles that aim to test their intelligence. The other day, Kimmie started doing a crossword puzzle near them. She got really stuck on one of the answers. Clarissa was upside down on a nearby couch, legs over the headrest, head by the foot rest, and she just said “petunia”, which I gather was the correct answer. Signs of life. Now to figure out what will give them some drive. It’s entirely possible that nothing will, and I suppose that’s okay.
One of our most prominent divisions at Kakos Industries is the Division of Erotic Experiences. They are the latest in a long line of sexually focused divisions that hope to find the answers to life’s “deepest” questions. They’ve been consumed for years now by the question “what is most sex.” They’ve run the gamut of deep emotional feelings and intense pornographic maneuvering, and feeling unsatisfied with any answer, I get the impression that they have handed this task off to some sort of artificial intelligence or algorithm to try to determined the thing that is most sex. The artificial intelligence is not batting a thousand, let’s say. Currently, the division is claiming that “popping your back over a chair” is the thing that is most sex. Now, I’m not expert on the matter, but I feel like too many people have done that, and even done it by accident for that to be the thing that is most sex. Someone just did it in the back of the room. I heard it. Anyway, I feel like the thing that is most sex is probably far rarer than that. And probably involves at least two people.
I’m going to try the walkie talkie again and see what we can learn.
Corin: Is there any news about the traitor?
Titus: Ahoy, Corin.
Corin: Oh, Angus. It’s you again.
Titus: Try again, Corin. You’re definitely in the right cricket pitch. But not angus.
Titus: Righty-o, Corin.
Corin: Oh, I’m sorry, Titus. I needed to talk to your brother. He’s trying to figure out who the traitor is.
Titus: Yes, Corin, well, this is a particularly sticky wicket, so we’ve got the whole family working on it. I’ve been collecting any information I can.
Corin: Have you been interviewing people or looking for evidence of traitorous behavior?
Titus: Well, you could say something like that, Corin. I often find that directly asking for information is too simple. It often leads to erroneous results. People lie, Corin. As do monsters. And dolphins. And lies are bad news when you’re trying to hunt down a traitor.
Corin: So… what have you been doing?
Titus: I’m trying to learn anything I can, Corin.
Corin: Like what?
Titus: Oh, all kinds of stuff. How to make costumes. How to voice act for animation. Which hentai is actually worth watching.
Corin: Those are panels at the event here.
Titus:yes and they are Very informative, Corin.
Corin: Titus, how is that going to help us find a traitor?
Titus: Ah, right, well I was hoping something I learned would spark something in the old thinker and maybe I’d come to some kind of conclusion. Maybe there’s something I overlooked, you know.
Corin: How can you overlook something if you haven’t looked at all?
Titus: That’s exactly what I’m hoping to find out.
Corin: Do you have any ideas at all?
TItus: Well, if they’re trying to hide who they are from us, then a costume would do the trick, Corin.
Corin: You have narrowed this down not at all.
Titus: You’re welcome, Corin. Keep your eyes sharp. I’ve got to check out this podcast about nerd culture. Probably loads of information there.
Corin: You’re going to a podcast panel? That sounds like a waste of time.
Titus: To each their own, Corin. Titus out.
Corin: Let’s move on, shareholders.
Once upon a time, Kakos Industries dug a deep hole into the Earth’s crust in search of the biblical Hell. If it was down there we were going to find it. Well, we didn’t. Not to let a big hole in the ground go to waste, we built a labor camp there where we could send anyone who got on our bad side and named it Hell. Fast forward a number of years and some deep lore about monsters and rapid evolution and freaky balls made of hands, and you get Meredith Gorgoro, the head of the Hell labor camp and the owner of one insanely badass monster arm. I still want one. Come on science. Do this for me. You owe me. Anyway, no one from Hell could join us at the convention today, but they were able to send a booth and a variety of literature extolling the amazing experiences that can be had underground. Community building. Delightful work songs. And now, what appears to be a religion, or at least a spiritual practice of ridding oneself of sins and wants through hard, punishing work. Look, if you’ve tried everything else and you still haven’t found enlightenment, then maybe it’s down there. I would strongly recommend trying everything else first. Like everything. You can probably think of more things.
The Division of Trying to Figure Out What All of These Keys Go To has used a key to open a chastity belt. Unfortunately, the chastity belt was part of a cosplay, so there was some… drama that followed.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment is one of my favorite divisions, shareholders. They dress in fabulous costumes several times a month to recreate battles between extremely large monsters from throughout history. Last time, they did a battle between many monsters as part of their quarterly review. They went dark for a bit after that in preparation for what is shaping up to be an amazing battle. The Humanoid Made of Humans Squished Together will be facing off against Treep, the Tree Creep. They’re calling the events Hades in the Eighties, and it is said to involve a cage match as well as some enormous hair. If the match ends with someone being thrown through a table, I’ll be plenty satisfied.
Shareholders, I just got a reminder that I need to check in on someone. This will only take a minute.
Corin: Hey, DIrk. How’s it going?
Dirk: Everything’s great, Corin, why do you ask?
Corin: Shareholders, this is Dirk Cornelious Sexplosion, head of Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face, one of our most valuable clients. The reason I ask, Dirk, is because I heard you were having a tough time.
Dirk: I’m great, Corin. I’m sailing. I’m having a fantastic time. Conventions! I love ‘em. The booths. The shopping. Celebrities right where you can look at them with your own eyes. It’s the best, Corin.
Corin: Where are you, Dirk?
Dirk: I’m around. Seeing the things.
Corin: Where specifically.
Dirk: Well, Corin, if you must know, you caught me taking a break in the bathroom. Am I not allowed to have bathroom breaks?
Corin: You are, of course. Out of, you know, curiosity, how long have you been in the bathroom?
Dirk: Well, you see, Corin, time is a complicated thing, is it not. Who can really say how much time has ever passed? I can’t.
Corin: Right. That’s what I was going to ask you about. Any reason why time seems so malleable?
Dirk: Not that I can think of.
Corin: What did you take?
Dirk: I can handle my substances, Corin. You know that I can handle my substances. I’m no beginner. Not at substances.
Corin: What did you take.
Dirk: Like a lot of mushrooms, okay, Corin? Is that what you want to hear? You want me to say that I took a lot of mushrooms?
Corin: Well, Dirk, you’ve been sharing your whole existential crisis on social media. I’ve gotten a couple of messages asking me to check on you.
Dirk: I would never share something so ridiculous on social media, Corin.
Corin: I’ll read a couple. “Numbers are the best thing ever. Have you ever really even thought about numbers?”
Dirk: Perfect social media post in every way.
Corin: “Have you ever loved something so much that you Mega Loved it? Or even DarkMega loved it?”
Dirk: People need to confront these questions, Corin. It’s later than you know.
Corin: “Are you ever afraid that your heart isn’t capable of holding all of the feelings?”
DIrk: The emotional volume of the human heart is still being researched, Corin.
Corin: “How small can a person get? I’m afraid I’m shrinking. No, I’m definitely stuck in between two tiles. Someone please help.”
Dirk: Right, yes, well, I do seem to be stuck. I have shrunk, as they say.
Corin: You’re awfully lucid, Dirk.
DIrk: Why thank you.
Corin: No, I mean, you don’t sound high.
Dirk: I can handle my substances.
Corin: You took shrinking mushrooms. They were in a jar marked “experimental” at one of the science demonstration booths.
Dirk: Who even knows where drugs come from, Corin. Sometimes you just have them, and then it’s disrespectful not to take them.
Corin: Right. So you’ve shrunk due to the mushrooms, but you aren’t high at all. That means that all of this moody stuff on your social media was… just you.
DIrk: Am I not allowed to feel, Corin?
Corin: We’ll bring you the growing yeast. It’ll bring you back to normal size faster. Then you can actually enjoy the event.
Dirk: I’m enjoying it my way, Corin.
Corin: Of course. Talk to you later, Dirk.
Dirk: Bye now. Ooh, yeast!
Corin: Sorry about that, shareholders. Sometimes you have to help a friend out.
I have here a recording from my grandfather that says to play in case of “conventions”. Shareholders, I occasionally get these. My grandfather had thoughts on a variety of topics, and he put together a number of these recordings of his general advice before he died. Well, let’s give it a listen.
CDI: Corin, every now and again you’re going to have to deal with conventions and I think I should let you know that these are incredibly important. The ways that we do things in life, the commonly accepted best practices, the norms are what keeps society going. It’s important to maintain these conventions, you know. Like, let’s say you’re doing powder drugs with your friend Francisco and he takes two before you take one. This is what we call a violation of the established conventions. It’s one to one, Francisco. You do a little, and then I do a little. You don’t go twice, okay. That’s bad manners. Well, anyway, hope that helps, sport. Make sure to respect conventions.
Corin: That is a different definition of the word convention. I think we all got that, but I wanted to say it anyway. Let’s move on.
We’ve got a booth at this event for TINFOIL, The Intergalactic Network For Otherworldy Industry Liaisons. I thought it might be kind of nice to bring Dennis Leelio, the director of that Division here to talk about what it’s been like presenting at Evil Con and trying to spread the word about the Evil they do.
Dennis: Oh, thank you, COrin. Thank you so much for letting me be here right now, instead of at the booth where I’m supposed to be. Do you know how many times I’ve been called away from the booth, Corin? I marked this time as occupied on my work calendar. People should know to leave me alone, okay? But what do they do? They call me. Every hour. To tell me that the Bleergus from Nonami 7 have arrived early and what should we do with all their Bleerg. Do you think I know what to do with all that Bleerg, Corin? And you know it’s just going to get everywhere if they don’t handle it properly. Have you ever tried to get Bleerg out of a rug, Corin? How about a mattress? It’s a fucking nightmare. And I have to leave the booth for ten minutes to handle this mess, which means I have to leave Derek in charge, okay? Now Derek’s had a rough life, Corin. He had a really mean family growing up and he had to move out young, but does that mean he knows what he’s doing? Absolutely not, Corin. He practically ran the booth into the ground while I was gone. He handed out pamphlets willy nilly to just anybody. He didn’t gauge interest first. He just handed them a fucking flyer. You know those cost money, right, Corin? 10 cents a piece. Not much, but still some money. And do you know how tight my budget is right now, Corin? It’s insanely restrictive. We can hardly do anything. You do realize that we work with civilizations offworld, right? That costs money, Corin. We have to launch rockets and shit, okay? And we have to have meetings on the moon sometimes. Have you ever been to the fucking moon, Corin? It sucks. I hate the moon. But some creatures will only go there because the gravity is low. They would be crushed on Earth, okay? But when a creature needs more gravity, do I get to insist on meeting on the moon or Earth for that matter? No. I have to put on a fucking exoskeleton and get in their fucking gravity feeling my heart just about to fucking explode, Corin. And maybe it should. Maybe it just should, okay? Maybe my heart should fucking explode in my chest. Wouldn’t you love that, Corin? I bet Derek would. But then TINFOIL would crumble to pieces without me. It would be covered in so much Bleerg that no one would ever want to touch it again. Even the Bleergus don’t like to touch old Bleerg, okay? Did I answer your motherfucking question, Corin? My life is hell.
Corin: I’ll go ahead and approve your budget increase.
Dennis: Thank you, Corin. Thank you. It’s the least you can do. But thank you. Thank you so much.
Corin: I’ll let you get back to the booth.
Dennis: That’s all I wanted, Corin. That’s all I ever fucking wanted.
Corin: Well, shareholders, um… let’s move on.
They say that Evil once wore the sexiest possible costume without violating any rules just to make traffic that much worse at a convention. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for crowds, lines, and other people in general. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for these things, but we are asserting it confidently, and you would do well to heed my words. We also have some bonus things we’re taking credit for. The butthole edit of cats, always getting underbanked dough, Brianna Kittle, anxiety, that bird from goose game and crooked ].
The Big Green Monster has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing as a result the life of The Big Green Monster’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is EGKB. I don’t know what those letters stand for. Extra Gravy Kindred Bussy? The world may never know. We spun the Wheel of Misery with an apathetic, dismissive level of force and it landed on the space for aromatic. From this day forward, EGKB will be 46% more aromatic. What does this mean exactly? Well, fragrant. Nice smells, bad smells, overpowering smells, all of the above, and probably in rapid succession. For Evil measure. The Big Green Monster will be 13% less aromatic, which might be a bad thing for a Big Green Monster intending to display dominance through musk. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
We do have an extra Ruin-A-Life Drawing today, new shareholders. The winner is Spocktopus and Dr. McKoi. The loser is Amanda Shoe. Spocktopus and Dr. Mc Koi says that Amanda Shoe is a lame poseur and deserves what’s coming to them. We spun the Wheel of Misery again and it landed on the space for pictorial . Yikes. From this day forward Amanda Shoe Will be 44% more pictorial and Spocktopus and Dr. McKoi will be 27% less pictorial.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been wearing big puppet costumes (like where one arm is an arm and the other arm controls the mouth). This might be a cosplay thing. We’re not sure.
I’m still concerned about this traitor issue. Let me check with the walkie talkie.
Ruby: Roo, here, Corin.
Corin: Oh, I’ve been talking to your brothers. We’re looking for a traitor in our midst.
Ruby: Corin, I do believe I have found the culprit.
Corin: That’s great. Who is it?
Ruby: Alex Delanoi. Please come to the stage.
Corin: Oh, Roo, I didn’t notice you sitting right there beside me. Yes,] please come up to the stage. I in no way hinted that this might be a thing. Come on up. Take a seat right here. Speak into the microphone please.
Ruby: So what do you have to say for yourself?
Corin: You read the lines that start with Traitor.
Traitor: I confess. I am the traitor. I did it.
Ruby: A confession!
Traitor: Please punish me however you see fit for my misdeeds.
Ruby: Come along. You’re going to Evil jail. For a long long time.
Corin: and just like that, go directly to evil jail. resolution.
I certainly hope that you enjoy the remainder of your Evil Con, shareholders. Those of you in the audience, thank you so much for joining us today. Those of you at home, destroy your Weird Small Radio by whatever means feel appropriate to you. No discernible piece of it can remain. The numbers are next.
BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a convincing podcaster cosplay. Special guest appearances in this episode by Adam Miszuk. Kitt Keller, Briauna Kittle, Anwar Newton, Ryan Jenkins, and Alex Delanoi]. Sound Effects performed by Matt Braman Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack and Dwight Spencer. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who laid down the blanket, Rocket who fluffed the pillow, Valerie, who read the story, and Anastasia K, who took the nap we all needed. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit the parking lot for the hotel, complete with lane lines. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has found a two-hundred year old piano that only plays sad notes. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started lubricating all of the computer keyboards. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Oh yes yes yes yes yes, hell yes, yes.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Steaks on Cakes. “It’s a steak on a cake 13/19”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Friction Cooking”. There’s one entry so far which is just rubbing a hotdog between your hands for an hour. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been doing marble races. It would seem they are gaining an appreciation for uneven surfaces.. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway One MIllion. There are disco lights at all times and a game show on wednesdays. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It’s work being done on the freeway you really needed to drive on. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The small bones of the sinus cavities have lost ground to the ear lobes in a surprise turn of events. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that allows you to eat one of your opponents’ cards. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed The Crapuccino, a dose of caffeine so high that it really gets things moving. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that doesn’t blend in with its surroundings, but sort of tries to get attention by whatever means necessary. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked ten fish. They were dead and frozen. This is cheating. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced an evening gown with an off switch. The Division of Guess Where We Found Dog Hair directed by Jaemin Jang has discovered dog hair on Mount Everest. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has developed a hint to obscure it is actually the opposite of what it intends to be, but if you’ve seen it before, you know. The Division of Occult Interior Design Directed by Zoe has moved the fern six inches closer to the door, right where the dark lord would want it. The Division of Unwanted Board Game Expansions Directed by Kevin Rowland has created a separate board game for the game of monopoly that allows players who have gone bankrupt to continue their cycle downward into poverty. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark, try feeding it a strawberry dipped in chocolate.