132 – Quarterly Reports
in which many divisions seek validation, Corin does his best to oblige, the matmos twins struggle to fit in, and Kevin from IT “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.
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What you are about to hear is a whole lot of owls.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. Shareholders, you may have noticed something a bit strange about the last broadcast. My team won’t tell me exactly what happened, but they gave it a solid 7.5 on the strangeness scale. I hope that all of you are alright and that you survived whatever the strangeness was. I mean, things are always strange. A strangeness of 4 is a nearly daily occurrence. This is a logarithmic scale, though, so every number represents a new order of magnitude. A strangeness of 10 would be world-ending in all likelihood. The unit of strangeness is also called a Camus. You may remember years ago I mentioned the unit for absurdity and meaninglessness being called a Camus. Well, this is also called that and it is definitely confusing for some. There is always some absurdity and meaninglessness in your strangeness, but the two values are never identical. I’ve heard some scientists who have to use both say “3.5 strange Camus” or “12 meaningless Camus.” Deep down, I think they like this extra complication. There are also “Imperial Camus” and “Foot Camus”, but I don’t remember what those mean. I also have to warn you shareholders that there was a bit of an announcement that went out earlier telling all of our employees that quarterly assessments would be taking place. Now, you would be right to assume that quarterly assessments would be quarterly, and therefore somewhat routine. From what I can tell, these quarterly assessments have nothing to do with quarters of a year. They must be quarters of something else. We have not yet determined what exactly they are quarters of. Could be centuries, could be decades. Decades doesn’t seem quite right because I’ve been at the helm here for more than eight years, which should have included at least three quarters by now. It’s possible that the quarter is unrelated to time as we commonly understand it. It could be quarters of some unknown random occurrence. Or it could be the quarter of a snack bar. What I’m getting at is that I have no idea what this is, but I have to deal with it all the same. And for some reason, these quarterly assessments are my responsibility based on quarterly reports given to me by each division. I say each division, but that would be madness. There are far too many divisions, but I assume I will be hearing from a number of them that take this seriously, and the remaining divisions will do their best to fly under the radar. Some of these quarterly reports have been pretty dramatic so far. The Division of Moonwalking stopped me in the hallway to show off some of their dance moves. I was then required to give them some sort of grade. I went with two thumbs up. They seemed somewhat satisfied with that. I’m not really sure what I was supposed to do, to be honest. I did the best I could. The Division of Floral Arts created an amazing flower wreath that must have killed hundreds of plants. That was neat. The two thumbs up was not the right answer in this situation. Not sure what I should have done there, but I suppose it’s all okay. I should also add that all of the quarterly reports thus far have been performances or art installations. I do not know why. I honestly think that they must have more information than I do. I have instructed the various Divisions that they are not to disturb me during these announcements, and instead, agents of mine will be sending me descriptions of the various quarterly reports for me to assess. By agents, I mean Kimmie and Eddie. I’ve asked if they can tease out what sort of response the division is looking for and we shall see if I am given that information. These reviews appear to be time sensitive, so I do have to handle them right away, which means interruptions in the broadcast. Kimmie and Eddie are listening to the broadcast, so I should be able to answer directly to them. I do apologize for these interruptions, but hopefully we shall gain some amusement together. Assuming that my grading doesn’t result in a death or dismemberment. It’s entirely possible, though. In a few instances it might even be worthwhile.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a WalkJam portable radio. I am told that this is an old portable radio that looks like it’s directly out of 1998. Certain parts of the plastic are getting kind of gummy. Other parts are beginning to crack. Some of the text has faded. This was once a collaboration between our Division of Hip New Things and Tuttivoxo, a company that used to make cheap electronics. Apparently we were supposed to use these radios several decades ago, but they were forgotten about and now they need to go. Hopefully they will continue to function through the end of these announcements. If they don’t, then you will still be required to know the information that you missed. You’ll have to ask a friend or maybe just pretend that you got the whole message if anyone asks. I will do my best to refrain from placing any life saving information at the end of the broadcast. These announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you’re hearing these announcements and you are not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then put the radio back in the thrift store bin and walk away quickly. Keep going. If you can still hear me, keep walking. Go! Sorry about that, shareholders. Apparently a certain number of these units were handed over to thrift stores around the world and we were not able to deactivate the components that allow these radios to receive these messages. So throughout the world, there are radios coming alive with the sound of my voice right now. That is assuming that they have not already broken down. We decided that this was an acceptable risk. We have no doubt that the thrift stores in question have marked these devices up to $50 or something ridiculous like that anyway, so who would take one home? I certainly wouldn’t. Just because it’s vintage doesn’t mean it was ever good.
I have gotten a description of a presentation here in the building for the quarterly assessments. I am told that the DIvision of Marine Biology has done an amazing aquatic aerobics routine that included a manatee. That’s a little sparse, Kimmie. I need to know if it was actually worthwhile. Can I get any more information? The answer appears to be no. They want their assessment now. She hasn’t really given me anything to go on here. How about this. Write nine point five on a piece of white paper and hold that up. I’m waiting on confirmation. Yes. It appears that made them happy. Evil enough for me. Let’s move on.
We recently had the Darkest Universe Festival. Shareholders, I think it’s pretty clear that there is a paradoxical relationship with how dark the Universe is and how much darker you can easily make it. There are perhaps diminishing returns. The more darkness there is, the harder it is to get a decent foothold or any kind of leverage to make the Universe that much darker. This is something we’ve become painfully aware of. As things get darker around us, it becomes a lot harder to muster the kind of strength we need to really finish the job, and there is a bit of a fine line in terms of how dark things can get before you entirely put out the lights, which is problematic because then there is nothing to gauge darkness against. For that reason, our Darkest Universe Festivals have needed to be finely tuned and accurately aimed to make the most impact. Last time, you were given a picture of Kenzie Talavera, a certified good person. You were given instructions to think specific Evil thoughts about Kenzie. You see, we believe that Kenzie is only a few bad days away from becoming completely Evil, and for that reason, we want to turn her with the power of our collective thoughts. We asked you to think Evil things about her car and about her job and about her boyfriend. I am told that her car is fine, her job did fire her, and her boyfriend exploded while using the bathroom at her place. The jury is still out on whether we were able to change her alignment, but it seems at least likely that we’ve given her the push she needed. This was clearly not the only thing we did to make the Universe a darker place. I assume. That is however all that I have on this page in front of me. We may need to engage in some loyalty tests with our people in the Division of Darker. I get it. Life can be rough sometimes, and it’s certainly not not Evil to want to take a break or lie down or what have you. But if you’re giving in to the voices inside of you that tell you to give up, then you have likely become neutral, and this will need to be addressed, especially if you have a position of any power here. Neutrality is fine, by definition, but if your heart isn’t in your work, then what are you doing here? Can we really trust you to do what needs to be done? We shall see.
The Nudity Festival took place last Thursday at around 10AM. We were all naked for about fifteen seconds. You know, the Nudity Festival is sometimes a surprise, but it is always amazing.
Coming up we have the Festival of Mud, which is a combination of the Earth and Water Festivals. I think last year we kind of winged it in terms of content for the festival, but I have here a list of instructions for a very similarly named festival in this book of anytime festivals. As we all know, the name of the festival has more to do with the events that take place than tradition or any sort of need. So I have here a listing for “Mudcoming”, a festival that definitely involves mud. I’m guessing it’s more related to homecoming than whatever it is you’re thinking of. It says here that there is a mud ceremony that involves mixing the perfect blend of dirt from the empty lawn and water and spreading this special mud across the faces of all of the attendees. Now wait, there is then a dirty mud orgy. Maybe the name is referring to that. You know, I kind of hate this. I don’t like being covered in dirt, or even just a little bit too dirty for too long. This sounds genuinely awful. Well, I guess there’s no getting around it.
Kimmie has sent me another description of a quarterly report. I am told it is from the Division of Wrasslin’. She tells me that they “wrassled well”. What seems appropriate to you, Soundman? He’s fist pumping. That’s probably the right action. Please fist pump while hooting and hollering. I am told that they are pleased. Alright, shareholders, we made it out of another one without any bloodshed. That’s both a sign of success and a little disappointing. Wait. Kimmie is telling me that there was bloodshed due to an incident with a folding chair. I like that. Maybe there will be pictures later.
I’ve been forgetting to do employee spotlights recently, but I’m not sure that’s my fault, you know? Some of our employees have been doing wonderfully Evil things, or things that facilitate great Evil, but if they were really that great, then I would remember them wouldn’t I? I think I would. Anyway, I have a reminder here because people have been getting upset. I need to recognize Trisha Pandabandadee. It says here that Trisha held her breath long enough during a gas leak to finish an experiment that would have taken weeks to reset otherwise. This is the kind of self-sacrifice that really shows your commitment to Evil, and we thank you Trisha. I have signed your certificate and you should have it by the end of the week, assuming you do not succumb to your other leak-related injuries. We’re all rooting for you.
Some of you have been wondering whatever became of the Matmos Twins, the two unidentifiable women who kind of maybe resemble women from some particularly intense nightmares I was having. They’re not really twins, but the name has stuck for some reason. We did eventually name them. Or rather, they named themselves. We couldn’t find any information about them at all, and they wouldn’t divulge anything, so we got out the old Evil baby name book. They are now known as Hedera, which is a fancy name for Ivy, and Clarissa, which was in the book for some reason I assume. Maybe the author had a bad breakup one time. We gave them names and then we gave them lodgings in the minimum security employee dormitory. There is a no-security employee dormitory, but, you know, they were vaguely associated with an attempt on my life. They don’t stay in their room much, preferring instead to float about and sleep wherever. The Damnation and Ruination Squad has been trying to recruit them, but it doesn’t seem to be working. The Damnation and Ruination Squad are definitely chaotic, but they have a lot more energy. These two, it seems like they’ve lost their purpose. I think they may have been more intimately tied to Qurgurgurth than we knew. And now they don’t know what to do with themselves. They have definitely been struggling to adjust to any of the jobs we’ve given them. That’s not unsurprising. They seem to hate working, so you know… well, that is relatable, like Kimmie said. They’ve got this kind of unkempt goth thing going on that a lot of people here have been really into. We can’t really know for sure what their emotional or mental capacities are, so we’ve issued a proceed-with-caution warning. We don’t want to give people the go ahead until we’ve had more of a chance to assess them. I think Kimmie has been trying to do something there. I walked into one of the employee lounges in the evening long after most employees went home. I have this app that some of the scientists in the Division of Surveillance put together that gives me a pretty decent idea where Kimmie will be without actually tracking her in any real way. I understand that it uses an enormous amount of computing power, including some analog computers and at least one cubit. This is overkill, but I also didn’t actually ask for it. The app works, which is concerning to everyone. At any rate, it led me right to her, and she was just sitting with Hedera and Clarissa. They were completely silent. I watched them for like ten minutes. At first I was holding back because I thought I might be interrupting something, and then I just kept waiting for something to happen. Anything at all, you know? But they just sat in silence. I thought about it for a while, and I thought maybe this was one of those situations where you kind of sit quietly by an abused animal and wait for it to approach you so you can begin to make friends, but that’s probably a hefty amount of assumption on my part. I asked Kimmie, and she said, “yeah, they seem chill.” I still have questions, obviously. A lot of us do. And I do mean more people than just the ones looking for a cute goth gf. If these two were somehow the keepers or attendants of Qurgurgurth, then that does lead to the question of their family and birth. Our scientists have put them at about 30 years old. That’s a lot of time to account for. It wouldn’t be the first time that Kakos Industries lost people only to find them decades later, but then there would be some kind of record, right? Qurgurgurth seemed to feed on my emotions, however the hell that works, which might lead one to wonder if it was feeding on them the same way. We have no idea what the long term effects are. So far, they both have passed all of their medical tests. Their brain scans look fine. The psych team didn’t really get enough to go on, but they didn’t diagnose anything. Cognitive tests have been problematic because they just won’t do them. We’ve been trying to trick them into showing different kinds of thinking and reasoning, but it has been a struggle. The Tabithas have continued to look after them and feed them, and some of the psych team have devised food enclosures like they would to test the intelligence of mice. So far, they’re smarter than the average mouse, but knowing anything else for sure would take some cooperation, and we’re just not getting it. For now, they’re not really causing any trouble, and they mostly leave me alone, so I guess that’s okay.
Kimmie just shot me another message here. Apparently she had to watch an opera put together by the Division of Accounting. She says that it was painful. I’m thinking a soft clap. What do you think, Soundman? That’s an even softer clap. Let’s do it. I’m getting another message. The accountants have started to thrash the room, breaking drywall and smashing plant pots. I don’t think we get a do over here, so we’ll just have to let them work it out.
Some of you have been wondering about Fourest. He is still technically on my to-kill list, but he’s been off the grid. A lot of camping. A lot of survivalist shit. Apparently, it’s actually been pretty good for him. His photography on social media is actually pretty great. Still going to kill him at some point, but he moves around too much. The security on staff here aren’t technically allowed to kill him on account of him being precious to the board, but I have instructed all of them to tell me when he’s around. He hasn’t been around in a while. His mailbox is rather full. It’s mostly junk mail, but there are a few envelopes and packages that we won’t open. They’ve been scanned, of course, but not opened.
The Division of Erotic Experiences submitted a couple of fucking robots as their quartely report. I am really not sure why so many of these reports are taking the form of art pieces, but here we are. These robots are capable of penetrating and being penetrated by each other simultaneously, and they have this kind of resonant gyration that keeps things going. I took several photos with my phone and I think that made them happy. I think that there might be an overreliance on technology in this division. Sex is in the physical world, at least for a few more years, and I’m just not sure how their algorithms are really benefiting us. The last I heard, the thing that was most sex was “eating a handful of jelly beans.” That’s not actually sex, you know. That’s a solo activity, and it’s also not sex. I’m pretty sure these are getting spit out by machines. It’s really kind of getting to the point where I don’t really care what the answer is anymore. I mean, we all have to decide what is most sex for each of us. That could involve a handful of jelly beans, or it could be some very intimate cuddling. Nope, there I go trying to answer the question myself. I’m not the expert. I’m a layman at best. If you know what I mean.
Meredith Gorgoro and all of her forced workers in Hell put together this incredible old-hollywood style musical number for their quarterly report, and it was jaw-dropping. There were fountains and pyrotechnics and tons of sparklers, and sequins. I’m not sure who they got any of that down there. And I’m also not sure why they submitted a report. I would have definitely overlooked it if they didn’t. It does suggest that Meredith still has allegiance to Kakos Industries. Or she wants us to think that so we stay distracted while she continues to plan and prepare for whatever comes next. I still want a friggin monster arm. That would be so sick. She’s got one. I want one. Do I have to learn monster anatomy and figure out how to interface their nerve endings with mine all on my own? I don’t need another hobby. I have enough work to do. Anyway I arranged ten rocks as my response and sent them a photo. That went over pretty well, I think.
The Division of Figure Out What All of These Keys Go To did this big percussive number with a lot of miscellaneous keys. Some of them were large enough to bang together. Others were kept in jars and used as shakers. At the finale of the event, they unlocked this big chest and six sexy naked people jumped out and did this wild dance. I opted to dance with them, and I think that counted as a decent grade.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment didn’t need to do much to earn my favor, but they really went all out anyway. It was a ten way monster fight between Geezora, Chombadomba, Quuuth, Little Creep, The Muth, Twistopteryx, Darrel, Lizario, and Mecha Darrel. It would never happen in real life that way, but it was still amazing. I won’t bore you with the details, but how could Mecha Darrel not come out on top? I let out the biggest, most primal scream of my life and the performers went fucking wild. It was perfection.
The Division of Gleep Glorp did this thing where they moved around in such a fashion as to look like I was having a migraine. It was impressive and I hope they never do it again.
Kimmie has sent me another message here. It’s from the Division of Homesteading. Apparently they put together a really nice buffet of fresh vegetables, hard boiled eggs, and a number of lovely dips. Apparently Eddie is not a big fan of certain greens, especially when they’re uncooked. Kimmie likes a nice salad, so she says it was great. Okay. Put two carrots in your mouth like big fangs and say “What’s up, Doc?” They dig it. I’m glad. Why do I feel like I’m the one being tested? Oh, I know better than to ask these questions.
They say that Evil once married a hundred men in a hundred cities, and then disappeared all at once, leaving each of them a single clue to an important puzzle. Needless to say, many people died, and the puzzle remains unsolved. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for that weird velvety plastic that just gets sticky over time, the way that paper yellows, and the constant reminders around you that time is passing whether you’d like it to or not. Of course, we can’t be certain that we did all of these things, but when you say things confidently with my voice, people tend to believe you. If you don’t believe me, then GET OUT OF THE THRIFT STORE. I FUCKING TOLD YOU ONCE ALREADY. THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR YOU.
Kevin from IT has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Which IT is not specified. We have different Information Technologies all around the building. I bet Kevin is from that weird one in the basement. Anyway, the life of Kevin’s nemesis will be ruined. Kevin has selected Gwynneth for this life ruining. We gave the Wheel of Misery a short sharp spin and it arrived eventually at the space for “unafraid”. We know that fear can be a huge detriment in our lives, but being unafraid is sometimes far, far worse. From this day forward, Gwynneth will be 47% more unafraid. We expect this to cause problems immediately. For Evil measure, Kevin from IT will be 13% more afraid. That’s enough to cause problems also. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been running around in what I can only describe as the kind of Victorian garments you would find in a sex shop. They are almost certainly polyester and colored like a Baz Lurman film, and there are lots of bits exposed to say the least. This is actually probably the most dressed they’ve been in a while, so it’s hard to complain too much.
Kimmie told me that the Division of Swashbuckling just had a big sword fight and none of them are left alive. I think we can get away with not giving them any kind of response, but maybe some polite clapping is in order. Shareholders, there are so many Divisions left.
And that brings us to the end of our broadcast, shareholders. I would be careful about destroying this radio. The battery inside has toxic chemicals in it and it should not be ruptured under any circumstances. Oh, shit. I said I wouldn’t keep any life-saving tips until the end. Look, I’ve been really distracted, okay? Anyway, the numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a snake with maximum charisma. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack, Dwight Spencer, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who set the anchors, Rocket who pulled the cable taut, Valerie, who fingered the note, and Anastasia K, who plucked the cable to make a nice low sound. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has the light up sign for the hotel, complete with letters falling off. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased a really old guitar. You don’t have to string it with sharp wires, but they will. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started microdosing everyone. The jury is still out, far out. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Even more no than the last time. No.” The short way just wasn’t cutting it. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Food in a Balloon. “It’s what it says on the tin 10/15”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “Cooking with Your Hands”. It’s surprisingly dangerous. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been snowboarding. It seems uneven surfaces can be fun.. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 2, which connects the lobby to the elevators. Probably the most trafficked hallway. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It’s depression, the monday of emotions. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The small bones of the sinus cavities are gaining on the pinkies. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that contains two knives, a toothpick, several screwdrivers, an awl, and a hook for carrying your lunch to work. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed The School of Disillusion, a school of magical practice seeking to remove magic from the world, metaphorically, and literally. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that doesn’t bite, but its does give little smooches. The Division of Fun Historical Hoaxes, Directed by Birdie. has uncovered the Gorboman, a legendary creature that was once said to live in the woods nearby. It was just a sad guy in a cave, not cryptid. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked so many tardigrades. You had to look through a horizontally positioned microscope. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a ladle with an overdrive switch. The Division of Guess Where We Found Dog Hair directed by Jaemin Jang has discovered dog hair on all of the clothes at the laundromat. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has developed a new hint that still somehow leads to Alan Alda without mentioning MASH. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark, try swatting it with a newspaper.