131 – Priorities
in which we visit the Video Villa, there’s some workplace drama, Wade won’t get off our dick, and Lewis of the Field “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear is just a bunch of criticism from someone with no knowledge of your field.
Oh, there’s music playing. Wow. Um. Hello. I hope I’ve got this thing on right. I, um, found this device. Kind of a chunky thing. Like some sort of old piece of radio equipment, but kind of an all-in-one kind of deal. There’s a microphone sort of built into the rectangular body. At least I think I’m talking into the right part. It would be a bummer if I wasn’t. This thing was really heavy, but fortunately I got it into the office here. No wires anywhere. Um, I’m at Video Villa. It’s a video rental store. Where I work. People can get movies and television shows and all of that. Kind of a hole, but, you know, gotta do something with your time, I guess. Like a whole decade of my life or whatever. My name is Corin. My name tag says Cory because there was a mistake and then it just never got fixed. It doesn’t matter, I guess. I don’t really need the customers to know my real name anyway.
Right. This device. I found it on the sidewalk outside the shop and it had some very specific instructions. There was an envelope with my name on it, which was really weird. A lot of the customers call me Cory, like I mentioned, and it even had my last name. Deeth. None of the customers know that. Kind of a weird name, I know. It sounds like death, which weirds a lot of people out. Or they think I’m lying. It’s my name, though. I keep getting sidetracked. So I found this device out on the sidewalk. There was an envelope with my name on it. Inside were some instructions. There was a time, which is during my shift. Not ideal. And then there were instructions on how to operate this machine. I mentioned that it doesn’t have wires. It must have a battery of some sort. It’s really heavy. Maybe like a car battery. So I turned it on at the right time. Had to ask my manager for a break, so hopefully I can take care of whatever needs to be done here pretty quick. There’s a number of sheets of paper that have some… I guess they’re talking points. I know this must sound incredibly bizarre, but for some reason, I felt compelled. I felt like this must be really important. They asked me by name. Can you believe that? I don’t think anyone has asked me to do anything like this ever. I guess it feels a little bit special. So I turned the machine on. Then there was the music, like I said. I assume you’re hearing this somewhere. It says I should address you as “shareholders”. Man, I don’t own stock in anything. You’d think I’d own this place by now, but I’m still just an employee. That suits me pretty well. The manager role is only a small increase in pay and a big increase in bullshit, you know? Who wants that? When I go home, my job is done until the next time I have to come back. Usually the next day, but you know, I get to leave it all here. I think I’m getting off script here. It says to address you all as the shareholders, and then it mentions that I should introduce myself. I think I took care of that. Corin. Video Villa. Shareholders. That’s wild to say. The announcements are for something called Kakos Industries. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of tech company? I have no idea what kind of prank this is, but I’m entertained. It also says to add a personal note here, maybe some updates since the last time you heard from me. Well, you haven’t heard from me before, at least not to my knowledge. So I guess I could say anything. I’ve been working at Video Villa for a while. It’s pretty easy. I mean, I have to be here, but people don’t bother me much. Unless we’re out of chocolate covered raisins. They like their movie candies with their movies. Or if we’re completely out of a new release. I think we’re pretty well stocked right now. It’s been a pretty uneventful week, I guess. This is my fifth shift, so I get a couple of days off, and I get some free rentals. I think I’ve picked out what I want already, but I have to wait until the end of the shift, and if we get mobbed, I might have to improvise. I think I’ve got a day off at the same time as my friend Kimmie, so maybe we can watch a movie together. We try to get our days off to line up like that. It makes things easier, you know, to hang out. At least when we’re not at work. We’re not supposed to socialize too much at work. There’s a lot of things we’re not supposed to do at work, I guess.
Special guest appearance in this episode by Matt Braman. You can hear more from him on the never rad Miscellany.
WADE: Hey, Corin, how’s that thing working?
CORIN: It’s working. I think.
WADE: I’ve never seen anything like that before.
CORIN: Me either. Oh, uh, shareholders, this is Wade, my manager here at Video Villa.
CORIN: It’s what the document says to call them.
WADE: Who are they?
CORIN: That’s the weird thing. I have no idea.
WADE: I wouldn’t say anything too sensitive to them, you know. That might be some kind of fraud device or something.
CORIN: What are they going to steal, Wade? They’re not going to get a loan using my name.
WADE: You gotta be careful is all I’m saying. Especially with weird techno junk from the street.
CORIN: It was on the sidewalk.
WADE: You think that thing’s worth money?
CORIN: I have no idea. It looks old. It might be an antique. Maybe it’s really high tech under the chassis.
WADE: You wanna open it up?
CORIN: I don’t know about that. Not yet. I think I have to read through this document first. And then there’s all these warning labels on it.
WADE: Those labels are not fooling around. Does that say radioactive?
CORIN: I think it’s okay if we keep it sealed up. It’s probably a joke.
WADE: Well, okay. But don’t take too long. We’ve got a lot of stocking to do today. New stuff from Navidson.
CORIN: Oh, we’re gonna see Rich, then. He can smell when we get the new Navy stuff.
WADE: Oh, man, you’re right. You better work the counter for that. He’s going to want to open every case to find the best copy.
WADE: So, uh, I don’t want to ride your ass or anything, but how long do you think this is going to take anyway?
CORIN: I don’t know. I have to read through all of this. Maybe twenty minutes or so?
WADE: I don’t think Mr. Angelo is going to like it if you’re in here all day.
CORIN: Wade, this seems really important, you know? Like, it seems really official and really serious. And look, no one’s asked me to do anything important in years.
WADE: Stocking shelves is important.
CORIN: If the shelves didn’t get stocked for a day, I think people would survive.
WADE: They’d be pissed. Rich would throw a fit.
CORIN: But they’d survive. This… I don’t know. It feels somehow more important than that.
WADE: Alright, I’ll cover for you, but if they watch back the security cameras, they’ll see.
CORIN: You’re right. I think I have to take that risk, Wade. And Mr. Angelo hasn’t had a reason to yell at me in a while, anyway.
WADE: Alright. Try to wrap that up, whatever it is.
CORIN: Thanks, Wade.
Okay, shareholders. Let’s see. Where was I? You know, this is really fun. I’ve never had to give anybody the news like this before. I’d never make a good anchor on TV, but this is fun. It wants me to talk about the radio. It says it’s a little mechanical bird that just landed on your perch. Something about a collaboration between the Division of Birbs and Drones ‘R Us, a budget drone dealer. This must be some kind of tech company, right? It says that Drones ‘R Us has been outfitting the everyday man with automated weapons of destruction for over ten years. Wow. That’s like a movie plot. I think we’ve got that one on the shelf out there, actually. Is this like some kind of science fiction project? I really hope that they let me know when this is all over. I wouldn’t mind seeing the rest of this project. Or hear it, I guess. It was a leap of faith for them to lend me this device. It looks like it might be expensive. And they don’t even know me. It says here that the audio quality is “fair to adequate” and a little chirpy. I think that might be a joke. Chirpy. Like birds. I hope I didn’t mess up the delivery. It also says here that these announcements are for Kakos Industries shareholders only, and that anyone who isn’t a shareholder will be in big trouble. Oh, wow. It says that the mechanical bird is going to attack you. That’s… I’d watch that movie, that’s for sure. I guess watch out. But wait a second. I’m not a shareholder. I don’t see any mechanical birds around. Maybe that’s just for you listening in. I’m reading. That’s different. At least I hope so. I had a bird attack me once. It wanted my french fries and it wasn’t asking nicely. I got a scratch on my cheek and the bird got the french fries. Could have been worse.
It says here that “we”, I think that means Kakos Industries, had the Big Black Hole Celebration. A number of employees and shareholders went to look at the big hole. “It’s still there.” It was a mound for a minute, but it says here that it’s a hole again. One unlucky shareholder fell in and ended up in New Zealand, and he had to pick up a job with a shipping company to arrange a ride back. You know, I think we’ve got something like that on the shelves also. Like a wormhole, or something.
Then there’s also a bit here about The Festival of Errors. That’s a rom-com title if I’ve ever heard one before. It says here that everything went perfectly to plan, which is to say that everything that could go wrong, went wrong. There’s like a bullet pointed list here. Food was spilled. Drinks were spilled. Clothes were ruined. There was a generous amount of accidental nudity. There were several instances of mistaken identity, and “one guy exploded from embarrassment.” That really sounds like quite the party. And an Italian film, for sure. When people come in looking for those kinds of films, I have to tell them that we don’t have any here, but if they insist, I tell them to grab one of the foreign films. There’s usually something with a lady laying around without clothes on. My friend Kimmie really loves foreign cinema. I think that’s why she works here.
The paper says to expect the Darkest Universe Festival coming up. I swear these are all titles we’ve got on the shelves out there. It says that you usually get a photograph of someone to think Evil thoughts about. It also says that last time you got a photo of Yolanda Walker. They’ve included the photo of Yolanda here and she seems to be quite the special person. Full body photograph. I was expecting just a head shot or something. There’s also a photo of Kenzie Talavera. Kenzie is a good person that you are all supposed to think Evil things about. It says here that you can take your time. This is supposed to bring about the Darkest Universe I take it? Huh. Kenzie seems alright. Definitely a romance movie person. We’ve got this one on the shelf right now called “As Love Is Wide.” If Kenzie walked in, I’d tell her to check that out.
It says here that a year ago there were a bunch of weird announcements and that I should comment on that. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there. I can’t really say anything, can I? It also says they were from Corin Deeth I. Huh. Weird. Do people still do that with numbers at the end of their names? I’m starting to wonder if there might be another Corin Deeth out there somewhere and they delivered this package to me by mistake. I mean, my grandfather was also called Corin, but he didn’t make a big deal out of numbers or anything like that. Well, their mistake isn’t my problem, and I’m having fun. If they want their gear back, they know where to pick it up.
It says here that I am supposed to do an employee spotlight. The employee of the month is Ksenia Valentina from the Division of Lethargy. They say she hasn’t moved an inch in over two years without moving or dying or being in a coma. Congratulations Ksenia, and keep up the hard work. You know, I don’t think we have that one on the shelf. I sure hope she’s okay. Sometimes I’ll spend the whole weekend not moving much, but that’s usually after a bunch of overtime.
WADE: How’s it going, Corin?
CORIN: It’s okay. I’m… I don’t know, maybe halfway through these announcements.
WADE: You’ve been in here for like three hours.
CORIN: Three hours? That doesn’t make any sense.
WADE: I know what you’re doing is really important, but maybe it could go a little faster.
CORIN: Yeah, I’m sorry, Wade. I didn’t realize I’d lost track of time so badly. You really oughta take a look at this document. There’s all these neat sci-fi ideas.
WADE: Maybe later. I clock out pretty soon. You’re closing with Kimmie again. Hey, what’s going on between you two? I’ve heard you’ve been hanging out a lot. Heard you might have gotten a little frisky in the office here.
CORIN: Where’d you hear that? And I don’t know. We like to hang out. I don’t want to make too much out of it. She doesn’t want to put labels on anything.
WADE: I thought she was, you know, into chicks or whatever. Had that girlfriend for a long time.
CORIN: People can be into multiple things.
WADE: That’s pretty hot. Not gonna lie.
CORIN: Don’t be weird about it, Wade.
WADE: She ever want to bring another lady into the bedroom with you?
CORIN: I’m not talking about this stuff with you.
WADE: I kinda thought she was dating that weird girl that comes in sometimes. Gets a stack of movies and hardly says a word to any of us. Saw her having a long conversation with Kimmie like they knew each other.
CORIN: Yeah, they know each other.
WADE: That’s pretty hot.
CORIN: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Wade.
WADE: Oh, I forgot to tell you. You missed wiener guy.
CORIN: Oh, come on. I always miss wiener guy.
WADE: He put it through the return slot.
CORIN: That’s hilarious.
WADE: I told him he didn’t get that here. We only carry full-length features. He’d have to take it somewhere else.
CORIN: That’s so funny!
WADE: Well, you miss things when you’re busy with your… whatever that is.
CORIN: Yeah, you know, Wade, I’ve got a lot more to do here. Maybe I should get back on task. That way I can get back to work.
WADE: Alright. Wrap it up, though.
It says here that the Hell labor camp has discovered a new crystalline structure that happens every once in a while when certain kinds of rocks get broken down into gravel. They say that it’s sharper than anything else made from stone on record. Huh. A labor camp in Hell. Wait, there’s a footnote. It says not the biblical Hell. A labor camp built deep underground called Hell. That’s not quite as exciting, but I think we do have that movie on the shelf. Prisoners of Hell, or something like that. It’s not very good, but it has decent action.
Something called the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment enacted a battle between Garybaldon and The Yosemite Lump. I feel like I’ve heard of those before. Some kind of cryptids, maybe. It says here that “You can’t beat the lump”. Apparently the actor in the Yosemite Lump costume only had to lay down until Garybaldon got tired, and then died from fatigue. That’s pretty intense. We’ve got some great Kaiju films also. I love monster movies. Even when they’re bad, they’re not that bad, you know? There’s always something cool or fun at least about the monster. And if the monster is terrible, that’s even better. It says here the next matchup is Woodchunk versus Mamost. It says this was a real battle.
The Division of Erotic Experiences has claimed to have found what is most sex, again. Every time I think this can’t possibly get weirder. It’s no longer parallel parking. I mean, when you park right the first time, that’s pretty great. Anyway, it says the thing that is most sex is stubbing your toe on a table leg. Kakos Industries shareholders, I’m not a sex expert, but that doesn’t sound right to me. Either that or it is way kinkier than I would know anything about. Usually when I stub my toe, sex is the furthest thing from my mind. Man, this Kakos Industries has a lot of divisions, huh?
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To has opened a desk drawer in a hundred year old desk. It had once belonged to an Evil poet called Robert Fraust. Inside the desk drawer was a dried up inkwell filled with red ink and a spoiled summer sausage with a few bites taken out of it. Oh, man, those things are no joke. You start to snack on it and then it gets too salty, and three weeks later you find it in the couch and wish you hadn’t. It says here that the key to the lock was hidden in a line of one of Fraust’s most famous poems. It was actually the words in the poem, printed out of metal at a specific size in a specific font, and then slid into the keyhole. That would be super cool to have. All of my keys are just like… keys. They barely lock anything up anyway. Car, apartment, mailbox, and the store here. It would be cool to have one that was just a big long poem.
I feel like maybe I’m not the greatest at delivering these announcements. I took a theater class in high school, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had to do any sort of public speaking. You guys are probably used to hearing these announcements with a lot more flavor. All I can say is wow, and that sounds neat, and I think we have a movie like that on the shelf. I guess I don’t have that much to draw on in terms of experience here. This has been most of my life, you know.
WADE: Hey, Corin.
CORIN: I’m almost done, Wade.
WADE: That’s good, because you’ve been in here for three days.
CORIN: Three days? How… that doesn’t make sense. How could I have been in here for three days?
WADE: It’s that thing. It’s got you really zoned in or something.
CORIN: I don’t know what to tell you, Wade. This just really seems important. I just feel like I’ve never done anything this important before.
WADE: Well, it’s hard to do anything important around here.
CORIN: Yeah, I guess I know what you mean.
WADE: You know, I never thought I’d be working here this long.
CORIN: Me either. I guess it’s a nice enough place. Mr. Angelo’s not so bad, really.
WADE: You oughta marry Kimmie. Maybe do something else.
CORIN: Marry her? I don’t think that’s the kind of thing we have.
WADE: I don’t know, man. If I’d have known she liked the D, I would put the moves on her myself. You and I might deserve this place, but she’s better than this. I don’t know, man. We’re not getting any younger, you know?
CORIN: We’re definitely not.
WADE: Maybe there’s something important we’re all supposed to be doing.
CORIN: I doubt there’s anything important I’m supposed to be doing.
WADE: Yeah, maybe not.
CORIN: Yeah, maybe not.
WADE: I gotta clock out here in a minute. Mr. Angelo will be mad if I end up with any overtime this week.
CORIN: I’m almost done. I promise.
WADE: Alright. We’ve got another shift together in three days. Maybe you can tell me what all this was about.
CORIN: I’m not sure I’ll ever know.
It says here the Evil once wore a cape long enough to trip everyone Blurg, Ohio. Is that a town? I don’t know how many people that is. This is apparently Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for remakes, regressive themes, and the media industry as a whole. Wow. That’s a lot. Oh, but then it says here that Kakos Industries isn’t certain it did all of these things. But then it says that they are insisting that they did them and you have to believe them or the bird will attack you. I would probably believe them, shareholders. Birds are serious business.
Lewis of the Field has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Wow. Why would you have a contest like that? You know, we’ve actually got something on the shelves like that. I think it’s called The Death Game. Almost the same thing. It says here that the life of The Master Assassin Pixie Snow Queen will be ruined. That is quite the title. It says here that something called the Wheel of Misery was spun and landed on the space for Rigid. The Master Assassin Pixie Snow Queen will now be 30% more rigid. It says here to say physically as well as mentally. It also says that Lewis of the Field will be a little bit more loosey goosey for Evil measure. I don’t think that’s how that phrase normally goes. “Congratulations on the win and best of luck.”
It says here that the Damnation and Ruination Squad is covered in jagged stones while they undertake this life ruining process. That sounds really uncomfortable. Yikes. And, yeah, we’ve got a movie on the shelf called the Ruination Squad, I think. Heavy on the gore. Not my cup of tea. That’s not real horror, you know.
It says here that I should end the announcements and maybe add a personal note. Well, Kakos Industries Shareholders, I have no idea who you are. You probably have no idea who I am. I don’t know why they asked me to do this, but it felt important. I’m glad I got a chance to do it. I hope that this was important for all of you. Kimmie will be getting here pretty soon and we’ll get to hang out. It’s usually pretty easy here at night. Few customers. Sometimes there’s this guy who dresses up as a superhero. Maybe we’ll see him.
I’m supposed to read some numbers.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a refreshing quad of cold brew. Special guest appearance in this episode by Matt Braman. You can hear more from him at The Never Rad Miscellany. NeverRad.com. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack, Dwight Spencer, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who held the lightbulb, Rocket who lifted the chair, Valerie, who lifted Rocket, and Anastasia K, who turned Rocket, Valerie and Calico. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit the hotel’s carpet. It looks like it’s from the Shining. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased a four track pain recorder that can record pain from four different sources simultaneously. Playing it back backwards by accident may result in uncontrollable pleasure. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has scooched everything a little closer. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “keep it coming, come on, keep going, a little more, a little further, you got it, no worries, you hit the pole like fifteen minutes ago.”. The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Everything is the Wrong Course. Incredible prime rib appetizer, garden mix main course, and ice cream soup for dessert. 13/16”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on “It’s a Bowl of Stuff.” No cooking, just stirring.. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been rolling dice repeatedly on the dinner table. Something isn’t right. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 42168, which smells a lot like weed and sex. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It isa lovely migraine to begin the week. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has continued trying to figure out what the Evilest part of their bodies is. The pinkies have overtaken the calves somehow. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that is actually a condom. Hilarity ensues.. The Division of 4D Printing, directed by David Friedman, has developed an aerodynamically perfect spear that is great for killing. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed the ring of indivisibility, which prevents dismemberment, but not death. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug that smells nice? We hate it. The Division of Fun Historical Hoaxes, Directed by Birdie. has uncovered the West Sonoran Dirt Waterfall. It was just a guy shoveling dirt out of sight, but still kind of cool to see. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked 13 hedgehogs by making them sort of velcro together. The Division of Things with Switches that Shouldn’t Have Switches directed by Miss Doctor Indigo, Esq. XIII has introduced a water bottle with an off switch. The Division of Guess Where We Found Dog Hair directed by Jaemin Jang has discovered dog hair at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. The Division of Fiendish Crosswords directed by Caitlin Moak has developed a new crossword that is 24 spaces wide and 24 spaces tall with no black spaces in the middle, and all of the clues are plays on common phrases, but somewhat obtusely. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark, dark, that a funny word, kinda loses its meaning if you say it too much , Dark. DARRRRRK.