129 – Lightening Up
in which Corin receives some cryptic messages from his grandfather, the Division of Erotic Experiences has some interesting news, Junior calls in to make a request, and Demure “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear is someone slapping a bag of marbles with a wet hand.
Hey, grandpa. It’s Corin. You’ve been rather persistent, or maybe it’s your agents, whoever they may be, and fine. You win. I’m writing to you again. I know that this is just some sort of magic trick you’re pulling, where you prepared untold thousands of tape snippets before passing and you’ve tasked someone with splicing them together to make eerie replies. Maybe you even gave this person some guidance on how to respond. I’m going to guess it has something to do with the Tabithas. Does that help anything? If I say it out loud. If I explain that I know exactly what is happening, will it stop? Or can there at least be some transparency about this? If the goal is to freak me out, then, grandfather, you are doing Evil to the Evil and you know what we say about that. You know that I love you and I would give anything to hear from you again, but this isn’t the way. This isn’t fair. It’s not nice. Now, to hold up my end of the bargain, there have been some things that have been happening. It’s been dark and awful and difficult to navigate and it blurs from beginning to end, and it’s causing a total upheaval of… just about everything. Every prediction has been wrong, showing us how powerless we all are even more than if things were just always the worst prediction somehow. Of course, Kakos Industries thrives in times like these. There’s so much room for Evil, there’s so much Evil to be done. It’s been a lot. You told me there would be times like these. You told me that you always knew I would do the best I could. I hope that I have lived up to that. When my job is Evil and all of my hobbies are Evil, you know that I’m going to do Evil. I can’t rest without doing Evil. I can’t sleep if I haven’t done enough Evil. I’m not exactly sure what counts as enough. I think in times like these, we all do what we can. As frustrating as that might be, we do what we can, and never any more. From a certain deterministic perspective, we don’t do any less either. I don’t believe in ghosts. I don’t believe in afterlives. I don’t even really believe in psychic echoes or anything like that. But I believe that, one way or another, these messages you have sent me are from you, and that they are meant to be a gesture of love. I love you, too, grandpa. Corin.
So that’s the message I sent. It was probably a few weeks ago when I finally broke down and just sent it. The messages I was getting were pretty aggressive. You know, there’s always that part of you that wants to do least the thing that someone else wants you to do. The defiant streak. I also didn’t really want to engage with the fantasy that a dead man could be sending me messages. I know that my grandfather has at times wanted me to embrace a more magical way of thinking, if only as a defense mechanism against the cold, hard, unforgiving nature of reality. Anyway, this was his response.
CDI: (ghost impression) Coooooriiiiiin! It is I, your dearly beloved grandfather from beyond the grave! I have an important message for you! Prepare yourself!
(a long, drawn out fart sound)
CDI: Hahahahahahaha! Oh, that was so funny. I’m so fucking funny! Oh! I can just imagine your face!
Corin: Then there was this one a few days later.
CDI: Okay, Corin, maybe that last message was a bit of a mistake. Maybe I’m not as funny as I think I am. Maybe I read the situation wrong. I do want you to feel comfortable communicating with me. And I don’t want to freak you out. I just worry about you, Corin. I’m dead. I can’t protect you anymore. I can provide some sort of guidance, but I can’t keep you safe like I used to. You have support networks, of course. People that have been paid well in advance to make sure that you are taken care of. I know how much you won’t like that. But they are still there for you. It does pain me, of course, that I can’t be there to help you. I know you can do everything yourself, but there’s really just never enough time to teach someone everything you know. Anyway, I’m sorry again for the big fart sound. It was pretty hilarious, but perhaps it was in poor taste. Story of my life, right? A little self-deprecation is okay once in a while. Please respond when you get a chance.
Corin: Then there was this one.
CDI: Okay, okay. I made a mistake. You’ve made your point. No more fart sounds.
Corin: Then there was this one.
(a long, long drawn out fart sound. A deep breath. Then another long fart sound.)
Corin: I didn’t want to laugh. But I laughed a little. Here was my response.
(another long fart sound)
Corin: I don’t know what came over me. I know that this kind of humor is extremely childish, but what was I going to do? The man had challenged me. For what it’s worth, my recording is not of a real fart. I’m blowing a raspberry on my skin. I think he might be doing the same, actually. And all of my recordings are actually digital. Soundman added the tape sound effects to the recording so it would read better to your ears.
CDI: Corin, never in a hundred years did I expect that you would go so far as to respond in such a manner. I sent you kind words and encouragement, and you send me this? Bodily function humor? I didn’t raise you to be an animal. This is completely unacceptable. How dare you.
(a little squeak of a fart).
Corin: It was just so soft and subtle, like it might be the mechanism in the machine. I was dying. Kimmie was dying. Eddie was dying. They tried to wrestle the recorder away from me so that they could add their own sound effects, but I insisted that this was a sacred connection between me and my grandfather, and they weren’t allowed to interfere. I’ve got another tape here, which I assume is something just as bad, but we’ll look into it later. I feel like experimenting with these recordings. If I don’t play them when they’re supposed to be played, then maybe the messages will show that they were in fact recorded a long time ago, and they are being manipulated to sound more prescient. I suppose we can actually begin the announcements now.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder Announcements. At Kakos Industries we help our clients, people who aren’t our clients, people who might be our clients, and people whose client status is unknowable to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. I feel like the updates on the general goings on around the building have been pretty samey for a while. Much like all of our lives. Working remote. Steady updates on projects without much drama. The general feeling that things just aren’t the way they should be. We’re taking notes, of course. If there’s ever a time not like this in the future, then perhaps we can learn something about how to make those times like this for Evil’s sake. The boredom has been real. Kimmie will occasionally try to break the boredom by doing something unexpected. The last one, she covered her body in some sort of grease. Like it was everywhere. In her hair. All over her face. The rest of the places. She then announced that she was going to break something expensive unless I stopped her. She started running toward my apartment in the building, so this was serious. What I didn’t realize was that she had been reading up about the Peter Wood incident, and she knew that I wouldn’t be able to catch her by trying to grab her. I got a ton of grease in one of my suits. She slipped out of my arms. Whatever she was covered in is some seriously slippery stuff. She ran past the apartment door, which was a relief, but then I had to wonder where she was going. I was on my way to an important phone call and I had to drop everything to deal with this wild woman on some sort of rampage. I started conscripting anyone I ran by to help me stop her. None of us could get her under control. Eventually, she tripped over an ottoman in one of the lounges and I was able to pin her from several directions with my body, like I was trying to pick up an incredibly large bar of wet soap. She started laughing so hard again. Ordinarily, I don’t like chaos like this. But these days, anything to shake things up is welcome. I started laughing, too. I would never do that, or even think of that, you know? To just take off all of my clothes, get greased up, and then run around the building like a madman telling people to try to catch me. There are a lot of reasons why I wouldn’t. It would seem completely different if I did it. Less appropriate. She offered me a truce, saying she was tired of running anyway. I declined and used my tie to bind her hands and feet behind her. You might be wondering why I know how to do that. It’s not a sex thing. It’s actually part of the basic monster handling courses many of us have to take. And she was behaving like a monster, so it seemed fair. I think she was expecting more from me, but I sprayed her with a gentle degreaser and left her tied up for another hour or so while I took that important call. Eddie has been suggesting a lot of other activities to battle boredom, including puzzles and boardgames. That’s been a pretty nice time, actually.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a can of whipped topping. You hear me correctly. Whipped topping. Is it cream-based? We don’t know. It’s whipped topping. And, like all of the radios, I would recommend you not eat it. If you followed the instructions, you gently tilted the nozzle until you could just barely hear my voice. If you press it down too hard, you’ll run out of the gas inside before the end of the broadcast, and that can leave you in a dangerous situation. You’ll be very behind. This radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Neutral Gasses and Twip Twoppings. Twip Twoppings was once incredibly popular in grocery stores around the world, but has had a decline in recent years as tastes change and certain chemicals become increasingly illegal to use. They have recently been bought out by one of our clients, who is revitalizing the brand. I am told that the fumes from this canister are safe to breathe, though they may cause dizziness or perhaps a mild euphoria. There isn’t enough here to really send you to space, though. As always, these broadcasts are exclusively for shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, then you’re going to need to eat some Twip Twopping. It might make you Evil. It might also give you a stomach ache. It might also take you on a wild hallucinatory adventure. It doesn’t matter. You have to eat it. Am I threatening? We don’t know. But you have to eat it to not find out.
Recently we had the Festival of Darkness and the Festival of Genes. The Festival of Darkness this year came with an exciting isolation cocoon that we sent to all of you. You just needed to seal yourself up inside and the festival was on. Inside, no light could touch your body or your eyes. It also significantly dampened all of the sounds coming from outside. Some ingenious materials made it possible to have some cool air exchange while you were inside so you didn’t just cook or run out of breathable oxygen. But these cocoons were excellent at isolating you with just the thoughts inside of your head, and the darkness within. Many of you found an inner quiet in this cocoon that made it possible to see even deeper into the darkness you harbor inside. There was also a chance for us to come into your living space and mess with stuff. I’m not saying we did that. At least not for all of you. At any rate, we all embraced the darkness, we became the darkness, and the darkness became us.
The Festival of Genes was kind of a DIY thing. Some of you, it turns out, are not that afraid of needles. You were given vials of cryptically labeled DNA fragments pre-attached to molecules that do genetic editing for us. They just needed to get into your blood somehow and the rest would fall into place. Of course, it would take some time for the effects to be completely felt and experienced. One vial had a picture of a beautiful cartoon woman on it. Another had a picture of a fish on it. Another had a picture of a microphone. The final vial had a picture of an arm flexing on it. Oddly enough, to have a chance at becoming a mermaid, you needed to inject all of these components. The order didn’t matter too much as long as they were all relatively close together. Other combinations would lead to other interesting results. Some of you got prettier by conventional standards. Some of you found inner strength that wasn’t there before. A few of you turned into fish completely. I don’t know what they were expecting to have happen, honestly. The vial had a fish on it. How much clearer could we have been? We had to turn those people back into humans, but there’s always something lost in that process. They’ll recover for the most part. There is a certain trauma one experiences when becoming a fish, though. It takes time to get back to normal.
Coming up we have the Shareholders’ Ball. We should be able to have a limited in-person thing. All of you will be screened. We will have some limited entertainment and some nice food, and all of the other parts that you’re expecting. Grace also gave me a book of emergency festivals that we can apparently have any time in place of other festivals, so I might be using that this year. It’s not that I’m bored with the festivals we’ve been having for years or anything like that. It’s just nice to have some outdoor options, and maybe a change of pace. The Celebration of the Moon sounds interesting so we’re looking at having that soon as well..
I got an urgent message from the Division of Erotic Experiences. They tell me that they have finally discovered what is most sex. Don’t get your hopes up, shareholders. I imagine that you will be experiencing the same disappointment I was. The word is that the thing that is most sex is in fact a fish fertilizing the eggs of another fish. I wanted to ask them if this was some kind of joke, or at least get clarification on whether the egg-laying fish was part of the process, but they’ve completely shut me out. I really don’t think this has anything to do with the fish genes. Jasmine and Dunk are both smarter than to inject random genetics. At least I hope so. Something strange is going on.
We just checked in with Hell. They’ve got some weird work music going on. Ordinarily everything is just the sound of rocks breaking, and pained groans, and things of that nature, but now there’s a rhythm that there wasn’t before. It’s upbeat, a little dancey, and then there are just these horrible, gravely monster voices chanting over the top of it. I think Meredith Gorgoro has invented aerobics shanties. I do not have a recording unfortunately. It defies recording somehow. I’m fairly confident whatever you are imagining is pretty much it, though.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To has not unlocked any secrets of the Earth, nor of the Universe, by throwing keys into holes or out into space. They have apparently unlocked at least one secret of water by submerging keys. One of the keys turned into a big foam key while it was in water. That’s pretty neat. They said that the big foam key then opened a big foam lock with a really big emerald inside of its enclosure. The emerald is neither a key nor a lock, so the Division was disinterested and gave it to me. I don’t know what to do with it either. We’re having it appraised. Maybe we can make a sculpture or something with it. Selling it would be… you know, not fancy.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment just presented Metadactyl versus Vornyore, a battle that never happened. I didn’t realize how exciting it would be to watch a battle without knowing what would happen. Matadactyl, as we all know, does not exist. It’s kind of a pterosaur mixed with a bat kind of thing. It’s really cool to look at and I would definitely buy a shirt with it on it. Vornyore is a cryptid of some sort that we don’t know that much about. They imagined Vornyore as being covered in human-like skin with a little bit of hair here and there and just an enormous mouth. They selected their urban center backdrop for the match. It has painted buildings on it. They also set up a number of the building set pieces they have so they could destroy them during the battle. I understand that the performers had some idea where things were going, but they didn’t know exactly the outcome in advance. It was thrilling. Eventually, Metadactyl climbed on top of one of the building set pieces before accidentally separating all of the predetermined cuts in the building’s material and falling spectacularly on top of Vornyore. Metadactyl took the victory. The performer inside of the Vornyore costume is still recovering from the impact.
They say that Evil once wore an extremely small bikini to the beach just to corrupt the minds of everyone within sight. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today we’re taking credit for whales, cephalopods, and the things deep within the ocean that you are still unaware of. Those things are scary, sometimes unimaginable, and more dangerous than you would ever believe. Obviously, we can’t know that we made those things. Some of those things we’re not even sure if they exist yet. Our mermaids will hopefully tell us soon. If you don’t agree that we made those things, however, you will need to eat at least a little bit of Twip Twopping, and you know you can’t just have a little bit. Be careful.
Demure has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Demure’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Daniel Martinez. We gave the Wheel of Misery a casual spin and it landed on the space for Muscular. We all know that muscles can be really nice on just about anyone in the right proportion. We also all know that sometimes people can be too muscular. We also know that sometimes people can be too muscular for even their health. Now we’re getting into the right territory. From this day forward, Daniel Martinez will be 300% more muscular. That’s gonna make some things difficult. Like bending at the elbow. For Evil measure, Demure will be 30% less muscular, which can have its own consequences. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad are currently wearing bathrobes. They’re really nice ones. They are not wearing anything else, and they are incredibly haphazard about tying the belt, so there’s been a lot of exposure. Like, a lot of exposure. Some people really like the whole aura around the Damnation and Ruination squad and their resistance to any hygiene activities, but for a lot of us, it’s not exactly the most exciting peek.
Junior: yes, hello, Corin. It is I, Junior. I am calling you because I want to hear the next tape. I bet there’s a real wet one on there.
Corin: Junior, aren’t you just listening to the announcements?
Junior: There was a mistake made and all of the Twip Twopping has been consumed.
Corin: So you ate it all?
Junior: There was a mistake made.
Corin: Alright fine. I guess it’s the end of the broadcast anyway. Let’s play the tape.
CDI: Hey, Corin. It’s your grandfather. This message isn’t actually for you, so it’s great that Junior is here listening in. Hey, Junior. Who’s my little champion?
Junior: (not on tape) It’s me!
CDI: That’s right, pal. Junior, I want you to know that I love you. I wish I could have left more messages behind for you. I hope you’re doing well and keeping busy. And also, that weird old tree we used to walk by? There’s something in it for you.
Junior: (not on tape) Tree-sure? I’m on it. I love you, too, father.
(a long farting sound)
(the tape stops)
Junior: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES! Incredible!
Corin: (laughing) oh my Evil, he still fucking did it. The fucking legend.
Junior: That’s why he’s the best, Corin.
Corin: It’s true.
Junior: Well, I’ve got to go look for tree-sure.
Corin: Tell me what you find.
Junior: I reserve the right not to. Ta.
Well, shareholders, that does it for us today. You can throw the can of Twip Twopping in the trash. Hopefully you managed to keep enough gas left in the container to make it this far. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a first bumping brobarian. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries, and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack, Dwight Spencer, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who poured the concrete, Damien Scott-Viker, who set the steel beams, Rocket who laid the wooden planks, and Anastasia K, who tested the bridge. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit the hotel pool. It’s damp, but mostly blue yarn. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased the food pain-pressor from an online auction. It’s sort of like a food processor, but it brings about so much pain. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has gently lubricated many floors throughout the building, speeding up travel time. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “nople.” It has more letters and syllables than regular “no.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the technically edible plants stand. “All of the weeds, seeds, and fibers you would expect. Earthy, bitter, and challenging for the palate. 23/40.”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Food that Sounds Good While You’re Chewing. It’s kind of a small list, but definitely surprising. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found an old white noise laboratory. It’s no longer in use, but the equipment is still on. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been pondering their own foreheads in the bathroom mirrors. We are nothing if not uneven surfaces. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 44-44-99. There’s just an unbelievable amount of spilled candy. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It is the knowledge that you have so many mondays left to live, and all of them will be just like this. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has been wondering what makes Evil so sexy. Is it the dark clothes? Is it the transgression of social norms? Or is it simply knowing who you are exactly?. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that allows a player to switch places with another play entirely. Name, identification numbers, spouse, and achievements.. The Division of 4D Printing, directed by David Friedman, specializes in 3D printing, but on a higher intellectual level and for more nefarious purposes. They have printed eating utensils that are just all the wrong shapes. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a bug with butt cheeks. It’s making all of us really uncomfortable. The Division of Fun Historical Hoaxes, Directed by Birdie. has uncovered the Mammoth of No Way, California. There was no mammoth, and there is no town of No Way, California, but approximately 300 people went to check in 1951 just to be sure. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. Try turning heavy cream into butter for profit.