127 – Correspondence
in which Corin writes a letter, we hear from our favorite divisions, we get an unexpected recording and Gabby Glazier “wins” the RUin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear is spoken cursive.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we specialize in making small dogs meaner. And also doing Evil better. But it doesn’t mean that we also don’t do that first thing. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, last time we had Halloween, and despite some unfortunate circumstances, it was one for the record books. After cleansing myself several times over, I thought, should I let my awful circumstances control me, or should I get back out there and party? I did a little of both. If you’re wondering why you’re hearing my voice at all, then perhaps you should have paid closer attention to the broadcast last time. I am told that it was disgusting and embarrassing, but nonetheless I survived. I joined with Junior to play some costume charades. I opted for a mildly sexier costume for the second half of the night that displayed my forearms well. They got a lot of attention, and people were well and truly inebriated at that point, so they were less than secretive about their interests. Kimmie kept pinching my arms as a joke, but I think that she got a minor thrill out of it also. Eddie seemed more concerned that I was comfortable with the way I was dressed and the attention I was getting. She has a bit of a protective streak, I guess. Throwing caution to the wind, I sampled some of Dr. Dunkelwissen’s alcoholic concoction, which has the potential to go really well or really badly every year. This year was pretty good. Everyone had the subtle sensation that they were levitating a few inches above the ground. Soundman was ashamed that he didn’t do more to save me from my abuse that night, but his stalwart member was standing prouder than ever. Is it weird that I find some comfort in dangerous or scary situations knowing that Soundman is getting some satisfaction from it? I’m okay with that. I think. The party went on for another three days, basically until we ran out of libations. It was an amazing time, and I think we all made the most of it. I hope that all of you can keep that spooky autumnal feeling in your heart as we move forward through the darkest times of the year.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a gelatin fruitcake. It looks like an ordinary gelatin fruitcake, with all kinds of fruit encased in gelatin, but this gelatinous configuration has a specific resonant frequency allowing us to easily manipulate it to produce sound. Of course, all gelatin fruitcakes have the ability to resonate and produce sound, but this one is special all the same. It comes from a collaboration between our Diviggle of Jiggle and Olson’s Cakes Not for Farting. Their tag line is “please do not fart on any of our fabulous cakes. They are all a labor of love and a culmination of many hours of labor. They deserve better than to be used in fart-related explicit materials. We do not care how much you really love it. Use someone else’s cake.” I am told that the audio quality is both warm and gooey, with a good amount of even order harmonics, largely thanks to the addition of kiwi. I should mention that these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you aren’t a shareholder, you’re gonna start eating this cake, and you’re not gonna stop until you’re Evil. Or dead. There is a chance that you will die. Especially if you have some fruit- or cake-related allergies. Please be careful. If you happen to love gelatin fruitcake, you will need to wait until the end of the broadcast to even begin nibbling on it. I know you struggle with self control, but you must do as I say. And if you feel the urge to go against the wishes of Olson’s Cakes Not for Farting, you will be visited by Heirloom Bite Wolves before the night is out. They have fewer teeth, but they are sharp. Olson is not fucking around. I cannot stress this enough. Do not fart on the cake. It will be the last prank you ever pull.
Shareholders, I took my hallucination of my grandfather’s words seriously, and I decided to write a letter to him. In keeping with the format of many of his notes, I have opted to record said letter with Soundman’s help right now. When the recording is finished, we will find a meaningful way to send the recording into its own sort of afterlife so as to deliver it, at least in our hearts and minds. Here goes.
Hey, grandpa. It’s been a while. I want you to know that I really miss you. You know, I’ve poked some fun at the strange recordings you’ve left for me, but I now find myself wondering exactly just what to say to you. Things have been challenging since you left us. I think that I have handled most of the situations that have arisen about as well as anyone could possibly do, but I can never know for sure. I’m sure that you, with your many years of experience and wisdom about Evil may have made some different choices, but I hope that you would be proud of me all the same. You asked me about my experience visiting the heart of the Kakos Industries building. There’s much about it that I still do not understand and there is much about it that many here at Kakos Industries still doubt. I could have been hallucinating due to any number of substances I might have accidentally consumed. But it felt more than real when it was happening. It was the kind of experience that really just takes up your entire attention when it’s happening. Whatever else you may have been thinking or feeling, or whatever was on your mind moments before, it just disappears. It’s the sort of thing that just demands your attention completely. The danger of it. The awesomeness of its size, appearance, and the hum. It’s easy to become transfixed, and I think that few begrudge me touching it. Among those few is Grace Rule, who would rather I not compromise myself in such a way, but I had no choice. There was no turning back in the face of something so powerful, so mysterious, and so amazing. I saw you, when I was inside of it. I’m guessing that was just my subconscious again. It felt like I was drowning, and I think maybe I wanted to see you one more time. There were also a number of other people that I don’t know. The running theory amongst those that feel the need to examine every detail of this story repeatedly is that I was visited by others who were important to Kakos Industries. Other board members. Other officers. I think I saw Kiarawa. That’s a story for another time, I think. There was some peace in there, at the bottom of what felt like Evil itself. It was nice. The nightmares that followed have been less nice, though they have significantly calmed in recent weeks, especially after I was swallowed by the Qurgurgurth. That’s what it was called by the way. It feeds on positive emotions. I had angus kill it. He didn’t want to because it was Evil and it violated his ethos to harm Evil creatures, but I made him do it. I insisted. We’ve been running some science on the creature and how exactly it could feed off of emotions. It turns out it also eats a lot of cave slime, keeping its digestional tract… lubricated. It’s possible emotions were just some sort of dessert for it. Anyway, that one is dead. There might be more. But that one is gone. I don’t know what control it had over the strange hooded women that were both in my dreams and in reality, but they are still around. They just don’t seem to have anything to do. I don’t think they have a place to live, either. They just kind of sleep on the couches around the building. We’re going to try to get them some jobs, but we’ll probably have to start with getting them some names, and then seeing what kind of skills they have apart from preparing unwitting men for being devoured. That is a useful skill around here, but it’s not an everyday thing. We still don’t know who they were before all of this, or even if they had anything to do with the Qurgurgurth specifically. All the same, they seem kind of aimless. Kimmie has commented on their condition as being “sad and relatable.” I sincerely hope that they do not begin a cult, or even take one over, as a result of their sad feelings. The Tabithas leave food out for them just in case they don’t have money for the vending machines. I do not know what the connection is there. My curiosity has been taxed, and now I’m not sure I have it left in me to wonder, at least for now. Anyway, I hope that if you are anywhere, and you almost certainly aren’t, that you are at peace. I’ll write again soon. It’s been kind of cathartic. Love ya, Grandpa.
You can cut now, Soundman. Even got some news there for all of you shareholders. That’s what I call two megaravens with one boulder. We can take that memory card that we’ve recorded and set it on fire. That seems meaningful to me… Well, record it onto one of your shittier memory cards, then, Soundman. I’ll buy you a new one. We have to destroy it.
We have begun the Festival of Anti-Celebration. All of you are anti-celebrating nobly on your own. Anti-celebration has been kind of a thing lately as it is, so I hope that you don’t do too much if you’re not prepared for it or of the right mindset. A little bit of celebration, especially celebrating Evil, is okay. We also had Black Friday. This year, we refused to tell any of you what it is that we were selling, only telling you that it was an insane deal. Many of you lined up for days. You knew that there were supply issues everywhere, and that holiday shopping would be complicated to say the least, so you hoped that by lining up here at Kakos Industries, you would have the chance to get something amazing for yourself or for your loved ones. You waited for days, until the time came. We opened the door to the storefront on the retail lawn and let all of you inside to experience… nothing. It was completely empty. Now, I could say something about lessons learned, and about how nothing is actually something when you think about it, or I could make a commentary on how materialism is actually a problem, and being happy with what you’ve got is the solution, so I will. It was all of those things. We knew that there was a chance for some kind of incident if we didn’t give you something though, so everyone got a T-Shirt saying that they had waited in line. Those T-SHirts have been selling for so much on the Internet that they have financed some holiday gifts. I guess it all worked out in the end, but I’m still not sure it was worth it.
Coming up we have the Festival that is usually up to you shareholders to pick. In previous years, we have had the chestival and the nestival. Pretty much anything goes as long as it fits the rhyming scheme. This year, I am told we will have the Yestival. What does that mean exactly? Yes. That’s all of the information I’ve been given. What will we be doing? Yes. How do we celebrate? Yes. Will we be getting together or remaining alone? Yes. Will it be fun? Yes. I am choosing to put my faith in the planners, and all of you shareholders. Last year, we had the chestival, which was supposedly going to reveal my nature as secretly not so Evil. That didn’t work out, but obviously the goalposts have been moved. It will be interesting to see how the yestival gets co-opted for some wack-ass conspiracy.
We also have Yule coming up. Those of you who are able will come celebrate with us at Kakos Industries. I have no word on how many Krampuses will be in attendance, but I am honor bound and contractually obligated to dress as one to punish some of you for your especially heinous misdeeds. High on that list of misdeeds is enjoying being spanked with a bundle of sticks by a CEO in a Krampus costume. There is truly no higher crime. I should mention that this is optional for all of you, but not for me. I know that isolation has probably driven all of you deeper within yourselves, and deeper into your fantasies, but please go easy on me. The line will be long.
I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. Apparently advancements with neural networks and artificial intelligence have made manually folding bodies, or using distributed computing power to do so, less valuable. Now, in a matter of hours, Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Aashna can check to see whether a sexual position works or not, and get a decent idea of whether or not it is most sex. This has dramatically increased the rate of discovery for new positions, but it does make you wonder if they have simply solved the wrong problem. I have seen some photographs of the woman with the incredibly flexible spine, and let me just say for the record that the photographs are not exciting, but mostly horrifying. At least for me.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To opened a lock box found in the scorched remains of one of our former satellite locations. The box contained a jar of golden jellybeans. I asked if they were edible. The Division said that they didn’t know because the jar was still locked. I did not suggest smashing the jar because I know better by now. Maybe we’ll find out, maybe we won’t.
The stone Jack O’Lanterns from Hell have been distributed to important members of Kakos Industries and those that attended the quarterly Hell arts and crafts sale. All of the proceeds go to literally anything but the workers. That’s how it works. I have one. It’s pretty cool. I’ve got a lightly scented candle in it now. It’s keeping the spooky season alive for me.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment’s rendition of RagePhage vs. Virulector vs Antikaryote was surprisingly entertaining. There was a bit of controversy, however. Due to some sort of costume malfunction or other issue, the outcome of the fight was not the same as the real events. In the real fight, RagePhage came out on top after consuming the other two. The actor inside of RagePhage’s costume must have had an issue of either overheating or tripping on the tail fibers, and fell flat and did not get up. This made Antikaryote the unexpected winner. Die-hard fans of the sport have been debating for weeks now whether or not the outcomes of real events can be changed like this during the reenactment. I personally don’t see much harm in it as long as the battles are interesting. But it could get out of hand, I suppose. And at some point they would cease being the Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment, and simply become the Division of Kaiju Battle, but much worse things have happened. Coming up they have Berstadern vs. MechaGaddamula. It could go any way, and I am pumped.
They say that Evil once let all of the pigs out of the slaughterhouse. That’s it. Evil just wanted to create a bunch of porcine anarchy. It was nuts. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for supply shortages for gadgets, that thing you really, really want, and the knowledge that true peace comes from within, but we’re going to keep looking for it elsewhere anyway. Of course, it’s possible that we are not entirely responsible for these global and existential issues, but we are. And you believe us. Otherwise, you’re going to have to start eating gelatin fruitcake.
Gabby Glazier has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Gabby’s nemesis will experience a life-ruining turn of events. That nemesis is Slip McRipFist. I didn’t even like saying that name. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a bunch of oomph and it landed finally on the space for Undateable. That’s going to be a rough one. Considering Slip’s full name, being datable may not have been a big concern in the first place, but now Slip will be 35% more undateable. For Evil measure, Gabby Glazier will be 5% more dateable, which is probably just enough to start causing problems. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
That brings us to the end of our broadcast shareholders. These announcements have been fast. That can definitely happen when you’ve just had your biggest time of the year. At any rate, you can now snack on the gelatin fruitcake if you would like. Otherwise, throw it away. I will repeat that you cannot fart on this cake. I don’t even like having to say this, but it is part of the contract we have with Olson’s Cakes Not for Farting. You cannot do it. The heirloom bitewolves will fuck your shit up. This isn’t a joke. Anyway… wait a second. Soundman, has this tape been here the whole time? I don’t remember it being here when I sat down. It has my name on it. Or my grandfather’s name. It’s not always easy to tell. Should we… should we listen? I’ll hand it over.
CDI: Hey, Corin. It’s your grandfather. Look, I’m really glad you finally took the time to write to me. I can tell you from experience that taking the time to write a letter, or record a message, for your loved ones can be really nice. It can help you to think about what really matters, and it can be nice to focus on love for a change. Love, straight from the heart. I gotta say that the story you told me was wild. I always knew you would get into some crazy stuff, but that is truly wild. I knew that this building would reveal itself to you in ways that it never did for me. I’m glad you took the time to tell me. I’m also sorry about all that trouble you went through the other day. Halloweens are always rough for CEOs of Evil mega corporations. And I want you to know that you’re doing an amazing job despite any hiccups. Really, fantastic work. Evil has never been in greater hands than yours. I know that we all have our doubts when we have so much responsibility, but the decisions you make every day are guided by your best Evil instincts. And you know that I taught you everything I knew, so you’re in even better shape than I was. It really means the world to me that you thought to send me a message, Corin. I know I’m not exactly around anymore, but it’s nice to know that I’m remembered. And thought about. I love ya, kiddo. Please write to me again. It really means a lot to hear from you. Oh! Before I go, I’ve got some numbers here. 14. 44. 73. 96. 111. 21. 21. 21.6. 21.3.21 9. 1. Take care.
CDIII: What the fuck. What the fuck just happened? Don’t shrug your shoulders at me, Soundman. Look at the fucking numbers. They’re the same fucking numbers. What the fuck. Alright. Look. There’s a number of plausible explanations for this. I’m just… I’m not going to get into them now. It was a coincidence. Who knows how many of these things he recorded, okay? It could have been hundreds. Maybe someone spliced it together out of other messages. Nope. I gotta stop thinking about it. Those were the numbers shareholders. Until next time.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a big lizard with all the powers of a big lizard. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who wiped up the spill, Rocket who swept up the crumbs, and Anastasia K, who ate the broken pieces. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has started working on knitting an entire hotel. This could end badly. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has won a bid for the pain-crophone, a sensitive instrument that records precise pain signals coming from a source. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has added a timer to the refrigerator, allowing it to only open for so many minutes per day per person. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Not exactly, but also no.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the Handful of Crumbs Stand. “Full of flavor in a compact package. 99/300”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Creating the Universe to Bake a Cake from Scratch. That first step is a doozy.. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a cooling fan in the industrial sector that blows up hard enough to support the weight of one human. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been dripping water on the new linoleum. Look, we did the best we could and it’s perfectly fine for most people. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 33-7-991. It’s this magnificent shade of fuschia. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It is the knowledge that you have a long weekend coming up, which means you need to get all of your work done in less time.. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, handed out a questionnaire to those who were particularly Evil asking them for their deepest secrets. It seems the darkest among us have deep and serious souls that inspire our every motivation. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that is a gun and fires a bullet. Just one, but that’s too many. The Division of 4D Printing, directed by David Friedman, specializes in 3D printing, but on a higher intellectual level and for more nefarious purposes. They have printed a piece of plastic scrap that is incredibly hard to grip or pick up off the floor using any known tools. The Division of Even Weirder bugs, directed by Franco El Terrible, has discovered a really long boy. Like a centipede or a millipede or something but boy is it just really really really long.Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. Maybe try farming alligators, what could go wrong?