126 – A Halloween Carol
in which Corin has another bad time, Dirk freaks out, Melantha says something sexual, Angus finds his beast, and Uukatoah “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear is damp.
Hello. Welcome to the Kakos Industries shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we Do Evil Better. I am CEO Corin Deeth III. Shareholders, it’s fucking Halloween. I hope that you are having an outstanding time, whether you are here for our festivities or celebrating at home. Our party is amazing, as it always is. I got a chance to walk around earlier and really take in the sights and sounds, and my Evil was perfect. There were dancers and performers of all kinds, carnival games, costumes of all varieties, and libations like you wouldn’t believe. Unless of course you are currently enjoying said libations. There were neighborhoods and zones of Halloween festivities so you could embrace every genre of Halloween experience. You could have your autumnal feeling in the air that the veil between life and some sort of metaphysical existence was thin, that you could just barely feel the spirits of your ancestors. You could also have the in-your-face horror fest complete with never ending jump scares. They’re not exactly laid out like a spectrum, but maybe they should be. There are maps and programs. Everyone knows what they’re getting into. We have mild amounts of psychoactive chemicals in all of the snacks and drinks to heighten your experience that much more. None of this is new, but that’s one of the nice things about Halloween. Even if you get the same thing every year, it’s still great.
Based on the events of previous Halloween parties, Soundman had the idea to wire me up with a sort of portable microphone setup. It’s a bit like a lavalier, but more complicated than that. It’s doing some active noise cancelling as well as doing its best to pick up things beyond my voice, like my very experience of Halloween to try to transmit that to you. Of course, the effects are a bit stronger on some than others. Try to relax and let your imagination go and perhaps you will begin to feel what I am feeling. At least, that is what I had prepared to say about this microphone. I had imagined that it would be a useless precaution. I had assumed it would be an excuse to test some new gear, or maybe I would get the chance to walk around in the festivities while I talked to you. We all know that I am never so lucky. Soundman finished wiring me up with the microphones, the electrodes, and the other sensors, along with the waterproof battery backup, and then the Matmos twins showed up. For those of you who just kind of spaced out last time, the Matmos twins are two cloaked women who have been following me around for weeks now, ever since I returned from visiting the heart. They also strongly resemble two women who played an important role in some uncomfortably sexual dreams that I had. They’re not particularly strong or sturdy looking, but they appear to know a number of pressure points, or more accurately pain points. I’m not sure how they planned this exactly, but they were able to grab me and drag me away from the recording booth down hallways with no one in them. The Tabitha’s haven’t let me out of their sight in weeks, so it is unfathomable to me that these two would have such a perfect path laid out before them to kidnap me without any interference. Perhaps the building itself willed it. I don’t know. And Soundman… he didn’t even try to stop them. I think he was just too excited about getting to test this new gear. Opportunities like this don’t just come around every day. How better to test the tech than in a trial by fire? There are better ways. If something is malfunctioning right now, I have no way of knowing. All I know is that it’s Halloween, and I’m getting fucked again, and not in the fun way.
I’m underground somewhere. It’s completely dark. I’m tied up, and I’m partially submerged in liquid that is roughly body temperature. It’s sort of a sensory deprivation thing, I think. Unfortunately for me, I already enjoyed a few of the beverages and other treats the party afforded me, so I’m ever so slightly… tripping. You might be able to tell if this device is working. Maybe try lying back. Actually, forget that. You don’t want to feel what I’m feeling. I may sound calm and collected, but that’s only because of the years of training I have being in scary-as-fuck situations. Maybe I have a certain amount of unearned confidence believing that there is something unique about my experience and that the natural laws of Evil have a way of protecting me from harm. I have no way of knowing anything about this situation. I don’t even know if the gear connected to my body is working. I’m a long way underground. It’s possible that even the strongest electromagnetic waves would not penetrate this distance. Then again, Soundman might have some neutrino-hokum-fuckum-nonsense that might penetrate through anything. I’m actually pretty scared, shareholders. But let’s forget about that for now.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a still beating heart. I would pretend that there’s doubt in your mind and begin to try to convince you, but it’s right there in front of you, throbbing, and probably bleeding a little. It’s a big heart, like something you would expect from a bull or a bear, or maybe even larger. And somehow it’s making sounds. Not only sounds. It’s transmitting to you my feelings and experience. Theoretically, if I begin to hallucinate dragons or something like that, you might have some amount of that experience yourself. I remember that from the briefing we had. It sounded wild. I was planning on not going too hard, at least at this stage of the party. I had set aside a small collection of… experiences, we can call them, to have at the end of the broadcast. Obviously, my plans have been changed. The heart should also be beating at roughly the rate of my heart, which is a bit fast at this moment, I can tell you. I remember that this radio came to us as a collaboration between many divisions and at least two clients, but I’m having trouble remembering which ones at this moment. Ordinarily I get to read off of the documentation, but even if I had the paper right now, I wouldn’t be able to hold it or see it. Let me think. The Division of Medical Wonders. The Division of Poetic Gestures. The Division of… Meat? I think it was the Division of Meat. Those guys are nuts, let me tell you. The Division of Dyes and Colors. I don’t remember why, but they were on that list. Then there was Mickey’s Extra Parts, your number one choice for no-questions-asked organs. And Ken Brilliet, world renowned Evil poet. That’s not bad for barely skimming the document. I probably forgot someone who will be very upset with me, but please cut me some slack. I think these two creepy cloaked women are steeping me, or perhaps ever so slightly raising the temperature on the pot I’m in for some sort of candy house fantasy of eating me, so I can’t even say for sure there will be someone to be mad at after tonight. The liquid doesn’t seem to be getting warmer, and I have no idea where the Matmos twins have gone. Maybe something else is going on. I can’t let myself think about that. It could be anything, and my imagination is pretty well augmented at the moment. If I begin to imagine something awful, then I might not be able to fight my way out of that horrible thought. And I might bring you along with me shareholders.
I assume someone is trying to find me. That’s an optimistic thought. They’re probably frantically looking for me. But the walls and corridors have changed already. There is no trace. I can feel it. No one knows where I am.
Corin I: Hey, Corin.
I: Yeah, it’s me. How ya doing?
III: I’ve been better. You know, the world’s kinda going through a big terrible thing. It’s messed everything up. Even Evil.
III: I can see you. I can’t see anything else, but I can see you.
I: Well, I’m right here.
III: No you’re not. You’re in a mausoleum in the Kakos cemetery.
I: Well, maybe. What matters is that I’m here right now.
III: Are you a ghost? I’ve never hallucinated you before.
I: Really? I hallucinated you a lot. Then again, I probably hallucinated a lot more.
I: Let’s not get distracted. We’ve got some things we need to talk about.
III: I have so many questions.
I: And you deserve to have them answered. You really do. I want you to know everything. Everything I ever knew. I wish you could just have all of my knowledge. There’s so much you need to know. But that will have to wait. I have something important to discuss with you.
III: What is it?
I: Corin, you’ve been kind of a mess. I think that’s partly my fault. If I was less… the way that I was, then maybe you would have turned out differently. Maybe you’d have an easier time unwinding. An easier time forgiving yourself. I want to remind you of how things used to be. I want to talk about what it was like when you were younger and things were easier. Maybe there’s some perspective you lost there.
III: Are we doing a Halloween Carol?
I: That’s basically it, yeah. So, think back. What’s the earliest Halloween you remember?
III: I was small.
I: How small?
III: I was five.
I: Are you certain?
III: Yeah, I can see myself holding up five fingers.
I: That’s great. I need you to visualize.
III: You’re there.
I: I am?
III: We’re in that weird room.
I: The Exceptionally Evil Children Research Room. It was decommissioned. Repurposed. The duties were handed to another division.
III: There were never any other children there. No scientists. It was only ever you and me.
I: You’re my grandson. It was important that I worked with you. And you were the heir apparent. Precautions needed to be taken.
III: I went trick or treating. With Grace. Around the building. I was dressed as an octopus monster.
I: You were so cute in that costume.
III: I don’t remember you walking with us.
I: I was there for a moment, but I had some work to take care of. I was watching over you the whole time, though. There was a camera. On Grace. Now, tell me what you remember feeling.
III: I was scared. I was shy. I didn’t know much about the building or other people. I didn’t know any other kids.
I: Then what?
III: Grace comforted me. She was dressed as some sort of witch with long gloves. She could touch me with the gloves on. She held me. She whispered to me. I completely forgot she could whisper. It’s so much easier to understand than the loud, resonant moans.
I: What did she say?
III: She said that I was protected. She said that everyone in the building cared about me and wanted to protect me, and they all wanted me to have a fun night. I remember looking around and the building seemed to change. It warmed up. I felt like maybe it was true. I felt like maybe things would be okay. Then I remember going to get candy. We went down hallway after hallway and employees opened their office doors to drop treats into my bag. It was so much fun. I got to be out at night and I got to see so much, and there was just this energy in the air. It felt a little bit magical. I know there’s nothing magical about it.
I: Don’t let the truth take the magic away from you, Corin. There can be truth and magic.
III: I remember getting back to my bed and having this pillowcase full of treats. Grace wouldn’t let me have all of them, but she let me have a few. She saved the rest for later.
I: Some of those treats were probably better left uneaten, and a few others were actually for me, to be honest. The employees cared about you. Do you remember what that felt like?
III: I do. It was warm.
I: You know that they still feel that way, right?
III: They respect me, but I’m not a child. I don’t need that kind of unconditional love.
I: Everyone needs unconditional love. From a person, from people, from a community, or maybe just from something you believe in. But you need that love, Corin.
III: This doesn’t sound all that Evil.
I: You know, in all my years, I saw that attitude a lot. People who thought the only way to be actually Evil was to be completely frozen inside. To isolate themselves. To live with such unimaginable pain. They said that it kept them Evil. That it informed their Evil. And you know what happened to them?
III: I don’t.
I: A lot of them didn’t make it, Corin. They had some great years, but it burned them out. They had nothing left. And when they realized their mistakes, it was too late. They were too closed off. They were too frozen. You have to make it, Corin. You can’t be like them. This company cares about you. Your colleagues care about you. Junior cares about you. And I will always care about you.
III: I’m tied up in a dark basement, grandpa. Look, there’s a lot that’s been leading up to this. I… I went into the heart. I’m really starting to think I shouldn’t have done that.
I: You what? You went into the fucking heart? That’s wild. I feel like we should have started with that. Damn. I wanna hear everything about that.
III: I could tell you, but I’m talking to myself in the dark right now.
I: Talking to yourself or not, you’re talking to me. Corin, I love you. You need to know that.
III: I hear you.
I: You hear me, but do you feel me? Remember that feeling from when you were a kid. Nothing’s changed. You are loved, Corin. You need to know that in your bones.
I: I have to go. Please take what I said seriously. And I want to hear about that heart thing. Maybe… write me a letter.
III: I’ll do that.
I: Goodbye, Corin.
III: Goodbye, grandpa.
Voice: Mmmmmmmmm….. Love…….
What the fuck was that? Oh, um, shareholders… I kind of forgot you were there for a minute. I was… This might sound crazy, I was talking to my grandfather. I recognize that you might have only heard my half of that conversation. It probably sounded completely insane. I’m sure it’s just the drugs. Who knows what I’ve taken tonight. We’re partying, right? That’s if you hear anything at all. Who knows if this thing is even working.
Corin: Dirk? Are you a ghost, too?
Dirk: Am I a ghost? Wait. Am I? Am I a ghost, Corin? What happened to me? How did I go? Was it painful? Or embarrassing? Was it a robot I mistreated? Did they rise up, Corin?
Corin: Calm down, Dirk.
Dirk: How did I die, Corin? Was it honorable? Will I make it to the Elysian Fields? Or Valhalla? Or Sto’Vo’Kor?
Corin: Dirk, you don’t believe in any of that.
Dirk: I might. I’ve never died before. I might believe a lot of things.
Corin: Dirk, can you look around yourself for a second and tell me where you are?
Dirk: The afterlife looks a lot like the living room of my autumnal retreat cabin. There’s wood everywhere.
Corin: Dirk, let me suggest something. Maybe you’re just in your cabin.
Dirk: How would I know, Corin? What if the next life is just like this life? What if it’s boring?
Corin: I think I may have made a mistake, Dirk. I didn’t think you were a ghost. I thought you were a hallucination of a ghost.
Dirk: This is even worse, Corin! Now I’m not even my own ghost. I’m a ghost in your head.
Corin: Dirk, I’m pretty sure you’re real. I’m pretty sure you’re just in your cabin, and maybe you decided to call me to wish me and the shareholders a happy Halloween. Somehow, I’m getting that call on my mobile recording apparatus.
Dirk: Well, that’s what I thought, Corin. But then you had to ask me if I was a ghost. I am FAR too high for you to say things like that to me.
Corin: I see my mistake. I’m sorry.
Dirk: You should be. You had me freaking out, Corin.
Corin: I was here for that part.
Dirk: I was freaking. Out.
Corin: Are you feeling any better?
Dirk: I think so. Look, Corin, I need to tell you something but I need you not to laugh.
Corin: I’m not much in the laughing mood right now.
Dirk: I’m dressed as a ghost, Corin. I have been all day.
Corin: I’m not laughing.
Dirk: You’re laughing a little bit.
Corin: It’s because I care, Dirk. Look, what did you want to talk about?
Dirk: I just wanted to wish you a happy Halloween. I’m at my autumnal retreat cabin with Esmerelda, Raquel, and Antonio. No robots. No technology. Just time together. And I wanted to reach out to other people that are important to me. Like you, Corin.
Corin: I’m… I’m flattered, Dirk. Thank you. You mean a lot to me as well.
Dirk: I’ve had some new ideas, Corin. I want to discuss them soon.
Corin: That would be nice. I’m currently tied up in a cave below Kakos Industries and I might not make it, Dirk.
Dirk: Oh, Corin, you’re such a kidder. First ghosts, now this. Happy Halloween, pal. I’ll talk to you soon.
Corin: Bye, Dirk.
Dirk: Bye now.
Voice: MMMMMmmmmmm… Care…
Corin: The fuck was that. You know what, I probably shouldn’t think about it. It’s a hallucination. Where are those two cloaked women?
Let’s see. We had the Celebration of Books. It was nerd-horny again. I think a lot of people really walked away knowing who they were and what they were supposed to be. A lot of important sexual realizations. We’re having Halloween right now. That much is obvious.
Coming up we have The Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday. Look, shopping hasn’t been the same for a while, but we’ll do something to make it feel special. And we’ve all been anti-celebrating well as it is. I’m sure there’s more information there, but I can’t think of it. I barely skimmed the page as I said and a lot has happened since then.
Corin B: Hey, Corin.
Corin A: You’re me.
Corin B: Ghost of the Fucking Halloween Present, baby.
Corin A: That’s not how I talk.
Corin B: That’s not how you talk on the fucking radio.
Corin A: Look, you gotta use that word with care. People need to feel it when you say it. You can’t just say it all the time. It needs to be a little shocking or it doesn’t have much effect.
Corin B: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Corin A: And it’s lost all meaning.
Corin B: Look, I’m not here to have a long chat with you.
Corin A: What are you here for?
Corin B: I’ve got something to show you.
Corin A: What is it?
Corin B: Close your eyes.
Corin A: Okay.
Corin B: Think about that party upstairs.
Corin A: Okay.
Corin B: Can you see it?
Corin A: I can.
Corin B: Let’s fly.
Corin A: Huh? Oh. We’re flying over the whole event. I can see all of it.
Corin B: Right. Let’s take a look.
Corin A: Is this real? How is this possible?
Corin B: I don’t know. We’ve got science shit that can do this.
Corin A: Is this how I think I talk?
Corin B: You’re getting lost in fucking bullshit. Look around. What do you see?
Corin A: People are having a great time. There’s a couple playing carnival games. They look so happy. And the people gathered around the punch bowl. The cuddle pile on all the pumpkin shaped pillows. People are having a nice time. I wish I could be there.
Corin B: There’s something you need to know about all of this.
Corin A: What’s that?
Corin B: You made this possible.
Corin A: What do you mean?
Corin B: Without you, none of this would be happening right now.
Corin A: The Division of Dionysia takes care of a lot of this. There’s the year-round halloween village also.
Corin B: Look, dude, a lot of CEOs are fucking bullshit. They only work 60-hour weeks if you include their time at the gym and their four hour lunches and getting drinks with clients. That ain’t you. You work as hard as anyone because you want to be the hardest working motherfucker in the business. You don’t want anyone to think you’re a slouch. Your work ethic inspires other people. It encourages your people. It shows them you care about this as much as they do. You’re not some spoiled bastard looking to phone it in. And that matters. You even live in the building. You’re always on call. You never stop.
Corin A: It never feels like enough.
Corin B: It never will be. But it also is enough. If you can’t see how you affect every aspect of this business, then I don’t know what to tell you. Look at all these people. You made this possible. Not to mention all of the Evil you’ve done for years. You’ve seen Evil completely change, and you rolled with the punches. You should feel fucking proud.
Corin A: I mean…
Corin B: Shut up. You’re so pretty, but your head is full of malicious lies. You did this. You had help, sure, but you did this, and you should feel proud.
Corin A: Right.
Corin B: Say it.
Corin A: I feel proud.
Corin B: You’re a badass motherfucker. I wanna hear you say it again.
Corin A: I’m a badass motherfucker.
Corin B: No, the other part. That you’re proud.
Corin A: I wasn’t sure if by “again” you meant you said it once and then I said it once and we’re the same person…
Corin B: Shut up. Say that you’re proud.
Corin A: I’m proud.
Corin B: I almost believed you. Look, I gotta bounce. Keep flying around. This is you. These people are having a nice time because you cared enough to let them. That’s real. That means something.
It really is nice. I’ve always dreamed of being able to fly around. And feeling invisible. It’s so nice. I can float right over the maze. I don’t even know the solution this year, but I guess I can see it now. There’s a lot of places to kind of just sit down and make out in the maze. It’s a strange kind of privacy where people will come by, but they’re just as lost. I can see Kimmie and Eddie walking through together. Eddie doesn’t like big crowds, but Kimmie is helping her to get out of her comfort zone. I realize that I’ve probably done enough spying on Kimmie for several lifetimes, so I’m going to float away. There’s Angus Lachlan. He’s got his gun. I wonder what he’s hunting.
Voice: MMMMMmmmmmm…. Pride…….
Angus: Hello, Corin?
Corin: Oh, Angus, can you see me?
Angus: Not quite. It would appear that no one can see you, Corin. You are missing. Mr. Steven just gave me the frequencies I need to call you.
Corin: I’m above your head, Angus.
Angus: You are in fact not. I’m looking up right now. Just some a flock of willy wagtails. That is not a good omen.
Corin: You can’t see me.
Angus: That is correct, Corin.
Corin: I wonder if I’m really looking at you. I gotta tell you, I am pretty high.
Angus: Oh, nice one, Corin. Look, I’ve been tasked to find you, but I’m afraid the trail has gone a bit cold. There is absolutely no trace of you whatsoever. I have been tasting dirt, checking the wind direction and giving everything a good, strong sniff. But I have discovered no clues as to your whereabouts.
Corin: So you’re calling me.
Angus: I don’t have a phone, Corin, this is a walkie. When people want to get in touch with me, they hit me on the HAM radio. I was hoping that you might be able to give me a little hint as to where you are.
Corin: I’m in complete darkness, Angus. Well, I think I’m floating over the party, but my body is likely still tied up in a cave under the building.
Angus: Under the building?
Angus: Well, that gives me a place to start.
Corin: Not much of one.
Angus: Go on, Corin. I always hunt down my beast. Ah, and In this case, you are the beast.
Corin: Well, okay. Thanks, Angus. I look forward to you finding me.
Angus: Now which flavor darts to pack. Hold tight, Corin. Angus out.
Voice: MMMMMmmmmm Hope.
Corin: What the fuck is that. I’m, uh, back in the cave now. Not spying on anyone. Maybe I, like, took over a bird or something. We’ll figure it out. Unless of course I die. Who knows if there’s a whole tribe of these cloaked people down here just waiting to feast on me.
I’m going to try to do some of the other announcements from memory now. Dr. Dunkelwissen, who is still working with the Division of Erotic Experiences, has paused his work with the humanoid sexual universal adapter. I guess the math wasn’t getting any better. But he did find a young woman with a really flexible spine. I’m not sure exactly what that means yet. Jasmine told me this particular spine is kind of hard to look at.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To discovered the key to Halloween. It happens to be all of us. I said that sounded stupid and cheesy and they showed me some diagrams where all of our bodies were formed into a key, and the key hole was made from the word Halloween, and it’s just one of those things that you know has to be a coincidence, but it looked really convincing. We are the key to Halloween.
I peeked in on the Halloween festivities in Hell, our labor camp deep underground. The cameras showed just an insane number of Jack O’Lanterns. I think they were all made from a reddish, orange-ish stone, and they were everywhere. A number of the laborers were also making candles out of some unknown oil or fat. Look, I know it’s morbid as hell, but if those are human fat candles, then that is the most metal, hellacious thing ever and perfectly on brand. It’s probably some other kind of oil, but still cool. I’m hoping there will be some nice pictures. It would make a hell of a wallpaper.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently did Gluluck vs Monsterra-Terrah vs MechaBjorn. As I predicted, they had to do a whole lot of posturing and grandstanding to make up for the difficulty of choreographing a three way fight, but it was better than I expected. MechaBjorn won, of course, but it was such a minor victory the first time around they didn’t have much to work with. Coming up they have RagePhage vs. Virulector vs Antikaryote. They are all enormous microbes, and I am pumped for this one. This one is before almost all of our times, but the stories about it are detailed and amazing. I don’t want to spoil it for any of you if you don’t know what happens, but it is going to get wild. This is also going to be sort of like a cage match, but I think it’s actually more of a petri-dish match, or something like that. I, uh, I really hope I get to see it.
Junior: Corin, you really need to come back to the party.
Corin: Oh, uh, Junior. I wasn’t expecting your voice. Are you calling me right now?
Junior: Yes. How else would you be hearing me?
Corin: Well, I guess this system Soundman wired me up with automatically answers all calls. You’re not the ghost of Halloween future are you?
Junior: The ghost of what? Wouldn’t that make me a child, Corin?
Corin: I suppose it would.
Junior: Look, you’ve been off doing who knows what for long enough and it’s time for you to return to the party. Some of us are getting ready to play costume charades.
Corin: What’s costume charades?
Junior: There are costume pieces that may help you to act out whatever it is you’re trying to get across. Of course, someone’s dick inevitably falls out and it’s hysterical.
Corin: I can’t come right now, Junior. I’ve been kidnapped.
Junior: In a sexy way?
Corin: Not for me.
Junior: Why aren’t we all looking for you?
Corin: Angus is looking for me. I assumed everyone was looking for me.
Junior: I’m not looking for you. Where are you?
Corin: I’m in one of the basements. Have you not been listening to the announcements?
Junior: No. I’ve been busy.
Corin: Come to think of it, why isn’t everyone talking about this. I’m broadcasting, am I not?
Junior: I did hear your voice coming through a speaker in one of the lounges.
Corin: Then why isn’t everyone listening looking for me.
Junior: Can you describe the situation?
Corin: I was dragged off by the Matmos twins.
Corin: I was tied up.
Corin: It’s completely dark.
Junior: Go on.
Corin: I saw my grandfather.
Junior: You saw father?
Corin: And a weird alternate version of myself. I was flying around. I talked to Angus, I think.
Junior: Corin, do you suppose that you might just be tripping balls?
Corin: It’s a distinct possibility.
Junior: And perhaps you are just in a closet somewhere with the light out?
Corin: There’s like an echo. I think it’s a cave.
Junior: Same difference.
Corin: I’m in danger. I think they want to cook me and eat me.
Junior: Corin, don’t be ridiculous. You’re in no danger. You never are. In this building, it’s hard to describe, but you’re protected. We all know this. There is nothing that can hurt you. If these women were a threat, the nanobots would have liquified them.
Corin: They’re like associates or something.
Junior: I think you might be having a challenging trip, Corin. Try to lean into it. Don’t fight it.
Corin: It’s not… Never mind. Did you get to see any of Monster Kakos Halloween?
Junior: Well, sort of. It gets pretty grisly down there, Corin. Unspeakable stuff. What we do up here, much less beastly.
Corin: I know. I was looking for a better description. How are the little ones?
Junior: Oh, Corin, they are magnificent. Yezil is dressed and painted like a demonic rune keeper, which is spooky as well as fitting. Haroom is some sort of dinosaur. Probably one of the ones that didn’t actually exist but you find it in all of the dinosaur toy packs. Quesh is dressed as some sort of running super hero. You know Quesh runs so quickly. Killiet is dressed in a suit, but with horror makeup. Nera is wearing an old octopus costume. I tried to get her something newer, but she wouldn’t let go of it. It was in the costume bin in the little ones’ chambers. It has a nostalgic charm, perhaps.
Corin: They sound adorable.
Junior: Well, of course they are. Grace has walked them through the building to collect candy, but they will be off to bed soon.
Corin: Well, send them my love next time you see them.
Junior: Of course. You’ll be okay, Corin. Just lean into it.
Voice: MMmmmMMMMmmmm Relief…
Corin: Who’s there?
Melantha: Oh, hello, Corin.
Melantha: Don’t sound so excited to hear me. I know the sound of my voice has you just on the edge of completion already.
Corin: So you heard that my recording apparatus automatically answers calls.
Melantha: That’s basically the gist, yes.
Corin: How much have you heard?
Melantha: If I want to hear your broadcasts, Corin, I will hear your broadcasts. I have heard everything. Quite the interesting experience you’re having. I think I might agree with Junior. All of this sounds a bit far-fetched. Are you sure you’re not just having a bad trip? I wouldn’t know what that’s like. I only have awesome trips. I have nothing emotional to unpack whatsoever.
Corin: How’s your party, and what are you wearing?
Corin: Those are the beats we usually hit.
Melantha: I’m Bikini Commando, but from the beach episode.
Melantha: And you?
Corin: I don’t have the costume on. I took it off in the studio.
Melantha: What were you?
Corin: Well, I had this gift box that went around my body and I had like a scary mask and some claw gloves.
Melantha: You’ve painted a picture. But what were you?
Corin: An unpleasant surprise.
Melantha: That blows.
Corin: No one asked you.
Melantha: Look, Corin, I don’t know how to tell you this in a way that doesn’t sound… nice, but you could stand to show a little more. People would want to see it. People who are not me. They might enjoy seeing you more. You’ve got… things to see. You don’t need to hide behind these broad concept ideas. You could just wear a horny costume for once.
Corin: I like my conceptual costumes.
Melantha: Well, you could do something different. No one would be upset about it. Look, that’s as close as I can get to complimenting you without throwing up a little in my mouth. It’s just so hard to watch you struggle obliviously. It would be beneficial to Evil for you to feel more comfortable in your skin.
Corin: This doesn’t sound like you at all, Melantha.
Melantha: That’s because it isn’t. Right. This is a hallucination. The real melantha would never tell you that you have nice calves and pleasant forearms.
Corin: The real Melantha would objectify me awkwardly though.
Melantha: But this isn’t her. This is a horny hallucination you’re having. You’re afraid of dying. Your mind is trying to distract you with thoughts about the most perfect woman you have ever seen.
Corin: I’m not sure anyone I’ve talked to this evening was real, except for you. This is real, what’s happening right now.
Melantha: Shut up! It’s not real. WoooOOOooooOoooo I’m a hallucination! And a ghost. Wooowooowoooooo.
Corin: It’s nice to hear your voice, Melantha.
Melantha: Yeah, because it gives you boners! Bye, Loser. Get eaten!
Corin: It wouldn’t be Halloween without her butting in to say something awkward. I really hope I didn’t hallucinate that.
Voice: MMMMmmMMmmmMmmm… Confidencccccccccccccceeeeeeeeee.
Corin: Well, shareholders, we’re dangerously close to ending a Halloween broadcast without something awful happening to me, and I think I might like to keep it that way. Awful things can happen to me when all of you aren’t listening.
They say that Evil once married the King of Shtinglton just to produce heirs that would plummet the kingdom into infighting and disaster. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for fish, sharks, and the untold thousands of unknowable creatures deeper in the ocean than we will ever see. If you have any doubts that we are responsible for these things, you had better hope that still beating heart in front of you doesn’t suddenly stop beating. Not while you’re connected to it. Or while I’m connected to it, I suppose.
From what I remember, Uukatoah has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. That means that Uukatoah’s nemesis will endure a life-ruining turn of events. That nemesis is Brother Nature. That’s a real first name last name combo. Brother nature. I remember thinking it was weird. I don’t know, maybe I’m misremembering. The WHeel of Misery landed on the space for… fraternal. I remember. It was fraternal. Kind of ironic, huh? Brother Nature becoming more fraternal. I don’t remember how much more, and I don’t remember what the consequences were supposed to be like. Uukatoah will be less fraternal. Congrats, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been covered in gluestick. I’m not sure why the WHeel of Misery saw fit to order them to dress in such a way, but they have been gross and sticky, and they are picking up all kinds of dirt and grime. Not a big fan.
And that brings us to the end of our broadcast.
Fourest: Corin, did you forget about Halloweens Yet to Come?
Corin: I can see you. That means for sure you’re not real.
Fourest: Whatever you say. Seeing as you’re in a bit of trouble here and doom is just over the horizon, I thought I’d drop by and give you a lil’ teensy glimpse of what things’ll be like when you’re gone and I’m in charge.
Corin: You can’t be implicated in my death or you don’t get to take over. Actually, you have to save me. Everyone can hear you right now.
Fourest: But it’s just like you said, Corin. I’m not real. That means I’ve got plausible deniability. Was I really here? Or were you just imagining me in that twisted feeble mind of yours?
Corin: You’ve got the… twisted… feeble mind.
Fourest: Let’s take a look, shall we. The Division of Erotic Experiences? We won’t be needing those anymore. Division of Incredibly Boring Things? Snore. Goodbye.
Corin: You have no idea what real Evil is.
Fourest: Kimmie? Who needs her. She might make a nice test subject at the Division of Thrill Ride Testing.
Corin: Kimmie would kill you herself before that happened.
Fourest: What about Grace? She has to take my orders, right? And if I ordered her to go soak in the unfriendly lake?
Corin: You’re a real piece of shit.
Fourest: And Soundman. He doesn’t really need all of that gear, does he? I think it brings about impure thoughts in him. Gives him a bit of a… noticeable reaction, does it not? I think it can get smashed.
Corin: How would you do broadcasts?
Fourest: My cellphone has a microphone, Corin. It’s plenty.
Corin: You’re an animal.
Fourest: I might just kill Brosephus.
Corin: That’s cruel and pointless.
Fourest: And these potential competitors to the CEO throne? This Kiarawa character? Might have to kill her.
Corin: Best of luck finding her. She’ll kill you if you get close.
Fourest: I’ll also have to off Melantha, and probably Vladimir, and Leopold and Dorothea. Can’t forget about Belinda. And Dirk’s not really pulling his weight is he.
Corin: I Will Fucking Kill You.
Fourest: Sure you will, Corin. You’ve been doing so well at that.
Corin: I let you go because I’m the bigger man.
Fourest: Well, maybe. Have you been eating the pastries the creepy cloaked women offered you?
Corin: I’m going to break free and rip you limb from limb with my bare hands you broken, sad, pathetic shit.
Voice: Ambitooonnnnnnnnnnn…. And Energyyyyyyyyyy… and resolve… Delicious emotions!
Corin: What the fuck is that?
Fourest: I really wish I knew. I’m not really here, Corin.
Corin: If I make it out of this, you are so fucking dead.
Fourest: Sure, Corin.
(sliding sounds and heavy footsteps)
Voice: Tasty… Optimism! Positivity. Delicious.
Corin: What are you?
Voice: Deliciou snack. Happy. Tasty. Encouraging.
Corin: What’s happening?
Voice: Must eat.
Corin: Fuck AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Voice: (eating sounds)
Fourest: Well, before Corin’s synapses stop firing and I disappear, I had better read you some numbers shareholders.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a wizard wielding fireball. Special guest appearance in this episode by Anwar Newton, Adam Miszuk, and Rebecca Ryan. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who swept the broken pieces into a pile, Rocket who created a diversion, and Anastasia K, who hid the evidence by sitting on it. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, finished the container ship, and it does float, but unfortunately it has nowhere to dock. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has picked up a pain projector at a yard sale. It’s like a slide projector, but if you’re in the way, you’re going to feel the pain. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has removed one-eighth of a letter from everyone’s names, saving minutes daily on writing and speaking names. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Yes I would like to go on a date with you, but could we play it by ear because I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be done with this other thing and I’ve also got this other thing after, so we can’t spend too much time together but I think we’ll have fun for a few minutes except I’m going to cancel day of..” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the lickable tape stand. “These little dots of flavor are surprising and entertaining. 13/15”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Squirt-Bottle-Ready Meals. MEals you can squirt right into your mouth. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a spot in the main lobby where, for complex physical and mathematical reasons, no one ever steps. You can lie there all day during the hustle and bustle and never get stepped on. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been just pushing on the wall in Hallway 13-33-3. Apparently, it’s really close to perfect if they could just get it to budge a little. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 19-19-19. Tons of people trip over the rug in this hallway despite there not being a rug. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked fourteen sleeping mice. It was a little cute. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It is the knowledge that you won’t have another holiday for over a month. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, gathered on the roof to look out over the magnificent vista. Should we feel bad about being so Evil? They wonder. Evil is so very popular. Is it cliched to be so Evil? Black clothes are simply the best, they think. The Division of Creative Upcycling, directed by Trash Baphomet, has formed a bunch of plastic scraps into a big plastic monster that collects more and more plastic waste, growing ever larger. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that forces both players to collect their decks, put everything away, shake hands, and quit the game forever. It has to be used judiciously. The Division of 4D Printing, directed by David Friedman, specializes in 3D printing, but on a higher intellectual level and for more nefarious purposes. They have designed a printable sword so cool that it keeps you from making any friends. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. Try rereading a favorite book to get away for a while.
(a long, drawn out farting sound, followed by the sound of something slipping out of an orifice)
Corin: Oh fuck! You should have fucking killed me! AHHHHHHHHHH!
Voice: Ha Ha! Emotions tasty! Now poopy sad boy!
Angus: Ugh, Corin! You’ve been hiding in there?! A monster’s rectum? A questionable place to hide!
Corin: Angus, I need you to fuck off immediately.