125 – Matmos
in which Corin refuses some pastries, tells you everything he knows about that inky black goo, and Oren Leifer “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear is less about you and more about the nature of the universe itself.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. Kakos Industries helps its clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. I mentioned last time that I was having some uncomfortable dreams involving the inky matmos deep in the building and the things that might be living within it. Monsters both large and small. Attractive people. Grace seems to believe that there might be some kind of infection in me. I didn’t realize this, but a lot of us higher up executives and board members are usually kept separate from things like this ooze because it might affect our objectivity and decision making. Some of these things have a life of their own, and needs of their own, and wants of their own, which might compromise someone who’s infected. I may have crossed some sort of line when I entered the heart, whether I intended to or not. While no one has suggested that I might be compromised, it is true that there is some hand-wringing going on, and the Tabithas have me under constant surveillance. As you can understand, having your chief executive compromised by some sort of unknown entity isn’t really ideal. I told the board if they tried to put Fourest in charge, I would kill him dead in front of them, so they’re working on other contingency plans. As of yet, I don’t feel anything all that strange. I feel like me. I feel in control. I feel fine. And they have let me continue with my duties. I wonder how much worse I could be, you know? Could I really be worse than my grandfather during a bender? It’s unlikely. So far my vital signs have been normal. The Tabithas don’t seem to be too alarmed by anything. Kimmie hasn’t noticed anything. Neither has anyone else. Okay, except there’s this one thing. And it doesn’t even have anything to do with me. There have been some hooded figures again. Just a few. At first I thought, oh great, just what I need. Someone smelled blood in the water and decided to come try to usurp me again. But they’re different. Two of them have started to follow me around. They don’t get in the way of the Tabithas, but they don’t exactly get along. They also have a completely different vibe. The Tabithas are like normal people, wearing normal clothes, but they just seem to want to keep track of me. That’s still not something I’ve actually gotten to the bottom of now that I think about it, but when Grace suggested they keep watch, it just sounded natural. I mean, they’ve been keeping watch this whole time right? Well, they’ve got company. Now, the troubling thing about these two following me around is that they basically match the description I gave you of the two inky matmos women from my dreams. Like, when I first saw them, it gave me a sudden jolt of fear because dreams aren’t supposed to cross into real life like that. And seeing someone in person after having a rather intense sexual dream about them can be awkward. It made me question some things for a few moments. I wondered if I ever really came out of the heart or if this was a drawn-out, mundane dream. I got past that, and I decided that it was just a striking resemblance. I mean, they’re not covered in dark goo. They look like normal humans. I don’t know their names. They occasionally speak, and speak with a perfectly normal accent, not that time dilation chamber accent, but they won’t answer questions like “what’s your name.” You just get a toothy smirk like it’s the dumbest question you’ve ever asked, and believe me, I’ve asked some dumb questions before. I got really mad at one point and started to threaten them. The eye roll was physically painful. I don’t know how so much attitude made it into these two. We’ve done some research on these potentially matmos-related women using facial scans and blood tests and all that comes back from the system is that they are “associates” of Kakos Industries. Not even employees. Just associates. No other information, but it seems legit. They’re in the files. Just what we need. Another shadowy, unexplained quirk of the system. Legitimacy where there shouldn’t be any, and a suspicious lack of information. We don’t know who entered them into the system. There’s no names. I’ve been told that it almost certainly wasn’t hacked. This has been a considerable distraction. Of course this is taking a toll on my productivity, but what can I do? I let them watch after me. I watch the matmos twins taunt the Tabithas. I’ve been calling them that though they don’t really look related. Kimmie is far better at ignoring all of them than I am. Perhaps being the head of a sizable spiritual group with a sexual theme for a while made her less sensitive to being watched over by strangers. She almost makes a point of walking around naked in front of them in my apartment. She doesn’t really do that when they’re not around. I can just barely convince these various watchers to stay outside of my bedroom at night, but even when I do, they’ve basically got an ear up to the door. They’ve also got an ear up to the studio door here. The soundproofing makes that kind of pointless, but I assume they’re listening in on a radio.
Speaking of, this broadcast is coming to you from a suitcase-shaped radio called the Buckley Boomer. It’s like a plastic suitcase, but the internals are all audio hardware. I am told that it is very cheap and the production models will likely include more functions than just a radio, like, and I’m quoting here, “a shitty tape deck, maybe a CD player, and a USB plug or some shit”. This comes from our Division of Make It Cheaper, and Buckley’s Fucking Awful Audio. Is that real? Is that what they’re actually called? Soundman seems to think they make their money off of irony. I don’t know how that makes any damn sense. Oh well. It certainly sounds Evil. At any rate, if you’re not a shareholder, you should get away from this radio. It’s dangerous. The documentation says “it has sharp edges or some shit.” That’s kind of a lame explanation, isn’t it? Let’s move on.
The Festival of Fertility was an interesting event to say the least. The divisions involved always try to make a big thing of it, no pun intended, and this year they decided on a centaur theme. They synthesized real life centaurs to deliver the Evil sperm to those desiring to become pregnant. I should mention that these centaurs weren’t exactly well constructed. When they make creatures for this festival, they tend to do the best they can with the time they have. If the vessels survive until the end of the festival, then they have really exceeded the mark. They are there to deliver the sperm in an interesting and fun way, and then to be consumed for their prenatal nutrients. A lot of us were really worried about the centaur thing, but the organizers assured us that there was “only a human-sized peepee, and it was in the front.” Make of that what you will.
During the Festival of Somnambulation, which all of you participated in admirably, we constructed an enormous sculpture of the unknowable visage of Evil itself. Personified Evil is of course a rather controversial topic. A lot of people have headcanons of what Evil should look like, and a lot of other people object to Evil even having a physical appearance. It’s not an entity, it’s a concept. Or a memetic virus. Or a law of nature. For that reason, we harnessed all of your creative talents and lacks thereof to create something that gave the impression of Evil personified, without getting too bogged down in the details. It was made from various materials, including wood and glass and welded steel, which you all assembled in your sleep. The overall effect is kind of blurry, which is interesting for a sculpture. We’ve got it on the grassy lawn. You can come look at it if you want. I’m hoping that it will last a while, and that the weather will only add to its distinguished look.
Coming up we have the Celebration of Books. We will have dark books. We will have light books. We will have heavy books. We will have books that crush you in every way. There will also be books that may help to unlock your true sexual potential. There will be other books that help you to realize that you’re already at your true sexual potential and this is all there is. There’s also some books with stories in them.
And of course, we will also be having Halloween at the end of the month. We will have a full week of events, of course. I’m not sure what they will be yet. As you can understand a lot of things are still kind of up in the air, and some of them depend entirely on the behavior of our guests. It will be, as it always is, incredible.
One of the matmos twins just put down a plate in front of me. Soundman was able to mute the sound, I gather. At any rate, these two have been trying to feed me. I wake up every morning to an assortment of beautiful and tasty pastries, cakes, and cookies. Always sweets. They try to get me to eat them during the day also. All throughout the day, I’m given these treats. This is largely a waste. I am not a big sweets eater. Once in a while I will partake, but not every day, and especially not in the morning. So, the majority of these treats go to waste. Just like this one in front of me will. She’s just smirking. Indicating that I should eat it. If it’s so great, why don’t you have a bite? She took a bite. My first instinct of course was that this food was poisoned. We’ve run all kinds of tests on it. It’s not poisoned. It’s also not loaded with matmos, which would have been my second guess. They also certified the pastries one hundred percent Midsommar-free. So the pastries seem to be fine. But they’re sweets and I don’t really like sweets. I try to keep my meals consistent and orderly. I don’t even like to snack. So that pretty much leaves one option, which might be the worst of all. This is some witch in a candy house hansel-and-gretel shit. They, and the handful of other hooded figures, are preparing me for some sort of feast where I am not a guest as such. The obvious solution is to decline all of the sweets and not fatten up so much that I am worth eating. She’s just smirking still. That’s your plan, right? I’m saying your plan to your face. You want to eat me, right? I’m not going to let you. I don’t want this danish. She’s leaving, I guess. Okay, there’s another thing I should mention. They’ve been getting in the shower with me. That’s kind of a loaded phrase, I know. Some of you are already off to the races thinking about just what that might mean, and how hot and sexy and fun, but it’s none of that. I’ve had a long day, I’m looking to relax for a moment before bed and I get into the shower, then I hear the lock pop on the door and then they’re in there with me. Still wearing the cloaks. The first time scared the hell out of me. Since then, I’ve just stopped locking the door. Certainly, these intrusions could be sexy. They’re attractive and probably naked under the cloaks, and there’s something kind of sexy about being in the shower, but it’s still an intrusion. Also, when the black cloaks cling to their bodies, it’s a lot more reminiscent of my dreams. They push their way into the shower. And then they wash me. No one has complained about any executive aromas. Not one person has suggested that I needed help getting clean. And yet, there they are doing what I could do faster and better by myself for some unknown reason. Probably associated with whatever fantasy of eating me like Evil witches in the forest that they have. It’s not a gentle wash combined with a sensual massage, either. There’s some hard scrubbing involved with hard mineral salts. There is also an oil that they try to rub on me. It has a light fragrance. I don’t really want to be oily when I get out of the shower. It makes me feel too warm and it gets on the towels and my sheets. They won’t stop, of course. Why would they? No matter how many doors I lock, and no matter how many guards I hire, and no matter how many nanobots I put in the way, they still find a way to me. Grace has been consulting with the various rulebooks and texts about what might be going on. So far, she hasn’t found anything. She’s fairly confident they’re not trying to eat me. That’s not in any of the books even remotely. I’m not soothed.
To try to purge what infection there might be, Grace has continued to supply me with those herbal teas. For the most part, I am not finding any black ooze leaking from my nose after I drink these teas, so perhaps the worst of it is out of me. And since the two matmos women have appeared, I have stopped dreaming about them. I will occasionally find myself on that big black lake, but less often. And usually I just float without any sort of horrors happening.
What’s perhaps the most surprising detail about all of this is that I haven’t yet received any letter from my grandfather about this. Not even a letter where he forgets why he wrote to me. This is the one contingency that he didn’t see coming. Not even a “someone trying to eat you, sport? Eat them first.” I would be thrilled to have a recording of him giving me even poor advice about this. Well, I did get a recording, but this is all it is. Go ahead and roll it, Soundman.
CDI: Hmmmmmmm. Okay, okay, I got this great idea for a song. It goes like this. Hmmmmmm. No, that’s not the right pitch. It was higher. Hmmmm. No. Lower. Mmmmmm. No, it was higher and lower, but definitely just one voice. Hmmmmm. That’ll have to do for now. Okay. Hmmmm hmmmm hmmm. No, it was different. It went up. I just had this. I even played it a little bit on the piano. Hmmmm. No. It’s getting away. I gotta find someone who can sing.”
CDIII: Yeah, that’s it. Not exactly enlightening, I gotta say.
Trying to get my mind off of things, I asked Junior about taking another trip to Monster Kakos. He said, “it’s not a good time right now. We have to wait for a few things to die down.” He’s been spending his time with the Dana Govern children.They’re not really babies anymore. They really respond well to him. Grace handles the discipline, so he gets to be the fun one around them. It’s cute. I’m not great with children. Maybe when they’re a little older I’ll be able to impart some wisdom. They probably won’t need it. Who knows.
I checked on the DIvision of Erotic Experiences. I should tell you, shareholders, that they do smaller things all the time, and they are somewhat productive. This thing with trying to figure out what’s most sex for literal years is just part of their workload. That being said, they are still working on it, and it is still not really coming along. Dr. Dunkelwissen has been modeling a human-type person that would essentially become the universal adapter in larger sexual groupings, making tighter turns and bends possible in long chains of sexual activities. This creature has what appears to be eight butt cheeks, four mouths, and seven arms, six of which are right, and one being left. He explained his thought process to me in detail. I mentioned that this sort of person doesn’t exist, and that the idea of adding a non-human to the arrangement was likely against the spirit of the question. He told me that he knew all of that, but perhaps by expanding the options, he would learn something essential about the topology of bodies, and perhaps some properties therein that could be brought back down to simply human levels. I’ll believe it when I see it. In the meantime, this extra extra humanoid will be haunting my dreams.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To found a place in Hallway 99-94-11B where this one key in their collection will float seamlessly in the air. None of the other keys will do that, nor will anything else that they’ve tried. The jury is out as to whether this counts as finding the lock for that key. I’m not even sure how they figured this out in the first place. How many other weird spots like that are there? I really have to stop wondering.
I talked to Meredith Gorgoro about a potential connection between Hell and Monster Kakos. She told me it was impossible. There may be some convergent evolution, but not physical connection. I asked how she was so certain, and she explained that she simply knew. Then she scratched her chin with her monster arm, and I had to concede to her authority and expertise. Apparently, Hell has been dealing with an onslaught of slime-mold-like creatures pressing up against the gates. That’s a difficult enemy to defeat for sure. Where do you even start? Apparently, fire is the answer, but you can only burn so much down there before you start to compromise your air supply.
The Division of Pharmaceutical Advancements has developed a medication that works perfectly every time, has virtually no side effects, and no long term issues. The downside is that the pill only makes people sad. Sure, it’s Evil and we can use it, but it’s not very interesting, is it?
The Division of Artificial Flavors has introduced Grorange. They say it’s in between grape and orange, but not a combination of the two. Just in between them somehow. This concept is horrifying.
The Division of Fun Houseplants and Watching Them Grow has created a GMO pothos plant that grows up instead of draping over whatever you put its pot on. I am told that this is wrong and very bad.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment really nailed Arachnofrack vs Hwuth. I wasn’t there for the original, but seeing anyone try to recreate the wild shapes and colors of Hwuth is always amazing. They are now working on Gluluck vs Monsterra-Terrah vs MechaBjorn. As a connoisseur of this artform, I feel like this will be a less inspired matchup than many of their others. Three way fights tend to be all spectacle and no substance. I am still eagerly awaiting this matchup, however. Ride or die, as they say.
I feel like I should maybe give you a rundown on everything I know about the matmos. It’s one of those things that is wrapped in so much mystique that it’s hard to know what’s true. To begin with, it is very difficult to study. It does not stay still, making microscopy difficult. We are unsure if that movement is due to strange chemical properties, some sort of quantum or other physics woo woo, or if it is alive. If it is indeed alive, then it cannot be killed by any known means. There are theories that it leaks over from another dimension or that it originated in outer space, but neither of those ideas provide a satisfying answer as to what it is, only putting the blame off on some far flung location. It is incredibly heat tolerant and it cannot be frozen. If you get it too cold, it kind of disappears. This could mean a number of things, but which thing it means is kind of difficult to ascertain. I think that a lot of us here like the idea that we’ve got this Evil liquid and no one knows what it is. It makes us feel like anything is possible, and that guides our work. Most employees never see any of it or handle it, however. It is always deep in the building, below ground level. Sometimes just a bit seeps out of a crack somewhere. Sometimes you find a cavern filled with it. Sometimes it pours into a room from every direction and nearly drowns the staff. Grace has a healthy respect and fear for it, and I follow her lead. I have mentioned in the past that some Evil children need to be fed from this liquid, and that much seems to be true. We are unsure if this is a symptom of being infected by the matmos in the first place, that it creates a sort of dependency, or whether it coincidentally soothes the hunger pains of a child predestined for terrible things. All we know is that it does soothe. It does feed. We know that when people come into contact with the stuff, they feel more Evil, and they begin to think more Evilly. Sometimes this is great. Other times, this can be disastrous. The matmos doesn’t seem to care how Evil it makes you. It is not precise or judicious. Some people have naturally higher tolerances. Others have to be imprisoned until they get free of its effects, if they ever do. Starting random fires, or committing random murders does not get us where we need to be. Random is just as likely to hurt Evil as the good. When it is administered to employees, we have to be careful with the dosage. There are of course the people that don’t become more Evil when they are immersed in the matmos, or they drink it. If I was ever submerged in the stuff, which I can’t say for certain that I was, then that would be the case. I took a standard Evil assessment and I scored where I always do, which is a stable and calculated, but high intensity Evil. There has been no increase in chaos. We have had people who claim to see the future when exposed to matmos, but their predictions are not much better than random guessing. We have also had employees exposed to the stuff who are granted such intense inspiration that they will sometimes work themselves to death in service of their new project. This situation often has only bad outcomes. In the best case scenario, the employee creates a tremendous work of Evil that will serve the company well for years, but the employee dies. In other situations, the employee will create something that is useless, incomprehensible, or otherwise unhelpful to us, and they still die, believing that they have created something important. In other situations, we sedate the employee until the fervor passes, and they always wonder what great things they might have achieved had we let them work themselves to death. Others will be submerged in the liquid and are never seen again. It’s easy to say anything you want about the matmos. It’s easy to theorize and guess and spread rumors. It seems that this stuff is unknowable, that it defies any and all study or inspection. And the people who know, will likely never be able to share that knowledge. We have no idea if it is alive, or if it acts intentionally, and if it does, we have no idea what time scale it sees the world around it on. Are humans important to it, or are we merely something going by out the car window as it speeds past. It’s not magic, though. It’s just weird. I promise.
I’ve just been given an eclair. No, thank you. Soundman, you want it? He’s shaking his head no. He really doesn’t want to get midsommared. Me either.
They say that Evil once negotiated peace between two civilizations just so it could destroy them both itself. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we are taking credit for Fond Memories, Nostalgia, and the endless onslaught of commercialization and exploitation your favorite pieces of media are going through. Do we know for sure this is our fault? Is this possibly just a quirk of economics and social pressures? No. We did it. It’s us. Deal with it.
Oren Leifer has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. You know the deal. Oren’s nemesis is going to get rekt. That nemesis is Sivia. We spun the WHeel of MIsery with reckless abandon and it arrived on the space for awed. Of course, the feeling of awe can be quite pleasurable. It can make us feel like we’re a part of something bigger, or experiencing something amazing. But it’s also hard to get your work done if you’re constantly awed. And Sivia will be. From this day forward, Sivia will be 103% more awed all the time. That’s a lot of awe. Awe lot. For Evil measure, Oren Leifer will be 33% less awed by things. There goes a little bit of the spark in life. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad, those tasked with making the Wheel of Misery’s decrees come true, have been running around the office wearing clothing seemingly stitched together from silicone butts and silicone faces. Like they robbed a life-sized doll warehouse, but everything is rubbery and bouncy. It’s really weird. They are surrounded by alternating butts and just these horrifying, pained, stretched faces. They’re all this kind of medium tan skin tone you would expect to see at a beauty pageant. It’s gross to look at.
This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. The Buckley Boomer is yours to keep, but it is awful, and you should probably throw it out. It only plays the radio, anyway. You could recycle it, I guess. I am personally really looking forward to Halloween. It’s always a great time. Well, I guess I’ve had some really weird Halloweens. Actually, Halloween is always kind of mean to me. There’s probably going to be some bullshit again this year. There goes my excitement. Hopefully, it will at least be interesting for you, shareholders. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a basic ass witch with a black cat or whatever. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who wrote the words, and Rocket who drew the speech bubbles. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has continued knitting a container ship. They are running buoyancy tests and somehow, some of their yarn crafts are actually floating. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has recently gotten out the reel to reel to reel that’s too real. It plays back some old recordings that get split in two as they travel from one reel to the other two reels, and the recordings are always just too real. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has warmed up the water cooler by around two degrees fahrenheit, which keeps bodies warmer, keeping them moving slightly faster. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Well, let’s see here, maybe, maybe, maybe maybe, possibly, let’s take a look, maybe, possibly, could be, let’s make sure, maybe, could be, possibly, no.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the vapor broth stand. ALl the flavor, none of the weight in the stomach. 44/58”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Burning it, a book about cooking food until it is charr. It’s not gonna taste good, but you might still enjoy it. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a cabinet in the new employee dormitory that has nothing in it ever. You will not be disturbed, except by the screams of new employees. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has been adjusting their footing in the xeriscape rotunda. THey want to stand up straight, but the floor is ever so slightly tilted. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 13-13-66-9, which smells like boxed macaroni and cheese for some reason. It’s nowhere near the cafeteria or any food lab. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked two elephants. That’s a small number, but it was still really impressive. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It is a slime growing in the mug you left on your desk all weekend. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, has dragged a finger wistfully through their reflection in the pond water. Is this much Evil inside of everyone, they wonder. Or is it something unique about us, and our physiology. The world may never know. The Division of Creative Upcycling, directed by Trash Baphomet, has turned a bunch of old rebar into some interesting and very dangerous sculptures. The deer is capable of stabbing you, and pinching your fingers really badly. The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that can be read differently upside down as rightside up, and has two entirely different functions in play based on which is used. The Division of Low Stakes Heists, directed by Zoë V has recently stolen some green onions from the supermarket, worth a whopping 75 cents. The employees saw, they just didn’t feel like doing anything about it. The Division of 4D Printing, directed by David Friedman, specializes in 3D printing, but on a higher intellectual level and for more nefarious purposes. They have designed a lego brick that is even less fun to step on. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. Brighten it up with your sparkling personality.