12 – Peter Wood
In which Peter Wood, a scientist at the Division of Adult Diversion, becomes a monster, Evil Con 2014 is recapped, preparations are made for Corin’s version of the CEO celebration, Kara and Billy’s relationship takes a dramatic turn, and Dana Mabel wins the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.
What you are about to hear may leave a bad taste in your mouth. Or other places. Be advised.
Hello and welcome to the corporate announcements for Kakos Industries. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am the CEO of Kakos Industries. I would like to get right into the announcements, but I feel obligated to tell you that there may be some interruptions today. I have been notified that Peter Wood, one of the chemists down at the Division of Adult Diversion, the division that replaced the Adult Entertainment Branch, has fallen into the vat of the penis enlargement cream. You probably remember that this particular penis enlargement cream renders penises, and occasionally anatomical penis-analogs, simply brobdingnagian. No one had begun to theorize what would happen were a man to fall into the vat entirely, but the need for theories is past. Shareholders, and those of you who aren’t shareholders that I haven’t scared off yet, there is what appears to be a six-foot penis with arms and legs running around the building. He has thus far evaded being caught by virtue of having also fallen into a vat of lubricant as he struggled his way out of the penis cream vat. Yes, this Charles Bronson of erections is wreaking havoc around the office. On a monitor in front of me, I can see through the eyes of my cyclops cyborg security squad, formerly known as the one-eyed monsters, but they have, for obvious reasons, relinquished the title. Moments before I began the broadcast, the cyborgs had just lost the monster down a corridor in the Division of Labyrinthian Lab Layouts. The search continues.
As always, I would like to remind those of you listening out there that this broadcast is only for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are not a shareholder, then please try to hold still while the Deeth Satellite V gets your position information. You might assume that this satellite will use lasers or something like that, which does certainly sound like our MO here at Kakos Industries. In fact, it will actually redirect space debris into the Earth’s atmosphere in your general direction, and there should be enough physical matter left after passing through the atmosphere to destroy you, and anyone living above or below you. If you happen to have a Kakos Industries Shareholder above or below you, then you get a pass right now, but living near a Kakos Industries investor is actually more dangerous than hurtling space garbage. It’s only a matter of time before something else gets you. The wonderful thing about this particular satellite of doom is that it also cleans up the Earth’s orbit while removing pesky eavesdroppers. It was the only way we could get government funding for the project.
Where today’s broadcast is coming from depends on your perception. You might perceive it as a lonely bird song on the wind, or Kakos Industries experimenting with transmitting via robotic birds. All I can say is that both ideas are mostly wrong. We have called the project “Project Tesla’s Love Doves.” I think that it is working pretty well. The scientists down at the Division of Pigeon Religion deserve a commendation.
Shareholders, I just caught a glimpse of the monster on one of my screens, but as far as I can tell, the damn thing has taken off around a corner again. That is indeed one tricky dick.
Shareholders, did you have a good Evil Con 2014? I know that I did. I tend to enjoy myself a little bit more than the average attendee because I don’t have to wait in any lines. I don’t even really have to wait in crowds, or struggle to get where I’m going. This is because I wear an electrified suit that provides people with the right kind of positive punishment to keep them from ever standing in my way again. This year we had some surprise guests, such as the CEO of Thorgon Imports, BleekBluck Thorgon, who spent his time talking about what we have to expect from Thorgon Imports in the near future. He and his crew handed out packets of seeds after the panel that almost certainly should not be planted by anyone. The Audiophile Plus Plus booth was incredibly popular as they were demonstrating their new Most Perfect and Exquisite Sound that Also Causes Permanent Hearing Loss. People left the booth in a state of blissful ear-bleediness that I have never seen before. Of course, I had to abstain because my hearing is important to my ability to serve evil, and also, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard better sounds anyway. We will now have to deliver announcements to anyone who visited the booth through sign language radios. The Synth-Aesthesia booth offered people the opportunity to play with and actually touch the music being played. I have never seen such blue notes, nor notes as green or teal. The Division of Adult Diversion showcased their range of wonderful Happy Ending Massage Chairs, which gave volunteers the chance to really relax and grow more comfortable with the knowledge that everyone nearby just watched them climax. The DAD also had veteran Evil Con booth babe Veronica Vaux, who is now said to be only 13% original human parts. That is quite an achievement, and also quite a journey through the uncanny valley. She was cosplaying as some sort of evil sex android, or perhaps that is just how she looks now in plain clothes. One of the crowd favorites was the Wheel of Misery, which we actually brought down to the convention for people to see. It was in the middle of a decision that I will address in more detail later on. One booth was offering a small plush version of the most incredibly cute little animal that we sent our broadcasts out on a while back. The plush version is much, much safer to keep around, and there’s only around a 30% chance that it is actually made out of one of the small animals. The Division of Gleep Glorp made sure that they were represented by bringing their patented Glooey Glomp to share with everyone. I have never seen so many confused faces. I should also mention that I had a panel where I got to speak with everyone about the future of evil. Let me summarize briefly: The future is dark. Really dark. Then I turned off the lights for effect. Everyone screamed at this time, because they’re used to being attacked by monsters when the lights turn off, which was funny to me because, well, do I really need to explain? Anyway, I also let loose some monsters. At the end of the convention, we had to start kicking out the attendees that really had not had enough. We did so with a hippopotamus in body armor with rocket launchers. We’ll just have to rebuild the convention center again next year.
Shareholders, I just caught a glimpse of Peter Wood on one of my monitors. It seems that one of the cyborg cyclops is chasing him down a hallway not two floors below me. He’s gaining on him, shareholders. This might be the end of the chase right here. He’s gaining, he’s gaining, he’s got him. No, wait, Peter has escaped once again. It seems that the lubrication in conjunction with the added mobility of the giant foreskin has allowed Peter to abscond. I am beginning to wonder if we will ever catch this male-part malefactor. I am requesting that all employees be escorted to their vehicles until we apprehend it.
I would like to talk about next week’s festival, but first, I think it’s important for me to read the letter I got from my grandfather this morning. As you all probably know, my grandfather, Corin Deeth I, died recently and left me in charge of Kakos Industries. He set aside a number of letters to be delivered to me at different times, and one of those times was this morning. He writes, “Corin, I wrote you another letter! I suppose that is obvious, now, isn’t it. Well, I thought for a little while there that I might not write another and just keep you waiting for the rest of your life, but that’s not how we treat family. I am writing to you because you have an important job. Coming up is the Scotch and Hookers Celebration, which is, as you probably know, one of my own personal creation. It was a sort of indecent proposal sort of thing, where shareholders were expected to offer exorbitant sums of money to get others to do uncomfortable things, and then do further uncomfortable things to get the money back. I don’t even want to tell you the sort of things I witnessed in the years that we did that festival, or what I did for money during that same time, but I have compiled a list of pretty much every one of them at the bottom of this letter anyway in the interest of full disclosure. I hope they make you feel as nauseated as they make me to this day. When I took over the business, I replaced the Fornication on a Train celebration with this one. It’s in the job description of every Kakos Industries CEO that they must replace the festival taking place at this time. So now that you are the CEO, you must replace my festival, and some day you must forget about me entirely. That’s not in your job description, but I just felt like adding it in for drama. Good luck with the new festival. Also, have you heard of a drug called Amphetamine? Well, it’s no matter if you haven’t. I’m just afraid that I garroted this gentleman in the hotel room with me. Anyway, don’t forget that you’re a new evil for a new generation! Corin Deeth I.” After the end of the letter, there are around 45 pages of handwritten notes about what my grandfather saw and did during the Scotch and Hookers Celebration over his time as CEO here. I am not going to read them to you because I think that the mystery is perhaps a little more ominous, and because I just don’t think I can actually read them all again. It is not often that I am presented with something too evil for my constitution, but where my grandfather was concerned, I have a long way to go. So now, I should reveal my version of the CEO celebration. I have to tell you that I spent quite a bit of time thinking about this today because I will have to live with the celebration for the rest of my time as CEO. After hours of deliberation, and several creativity-enhancing drugs, I have determined that next week will be Taco Tuesday. This is the celebration that is much like a Taco Tuesdays that you may be used to, but where we only eat Kakos Tacos, which are a sort of evil-enhancing drug, and it lasts all week. Also, there might be some fornication on a train involved. That sounds like fun. I wonder how many train cars we can fit in the basement ballroom.
I have news from our in-office relationship. It seems that Kara and Billy shot each other to death last weekend in some sort of bizarre murder-murder-suicide-homicide thingy. At any rate, we had to resume their relationship from a previous save file, and by that I mean we cloned them. The good news is that I might actually get that pair of gloves I was after.
It is now time for Things We’re Taking Responsibility for Now. Remember, this segment is different from Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This is the segment where we take credit for something that we definitely did do, and is also good for one of our clients that it’s our fault, and not theirs. This week, we would like to apologize on behalf of one our biggest retail clients, Juicy Ass Couture. Apparently, we informed the president of the company, Daniel Jucius, that he was allowed to discriminate based on whether or not his assistants had really big boobs and would sleep with him. We just found out you can’t do that. Please don’t be mad at him, be mad at us. It’s really our fault. He doesn’t even like big boobs. Promise.
Evil is sort of like penis jokes, and by that I mean that there has been a lot of both in today’s broadcast. This is Things We’re Taking Credit For Now. For those of you who are new shareholders, it’s important for me to inform you that we cannot claim these instances of evil for certain as our own handiwork, but it is at least likely, and until someone else stands up trying to take credit for them, then our assertion is uncontested. And if someone else does decide to announce that they are taking credit for these particular evil incidents, then we are either responsible for that group or individual, or going to murder them. Everyone knows that when you murder someone, their evil becomes yours. It’s like the Highlander. There’s a bunch of lightning, also, during the evil quickening. The things we’re taking credit for this week are Fonies, Street Youths, and the Agricultural Revolution, which is when everything really started to go to shit. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for today, then you may soon find a giant, greased-up cock running around your house.
The winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing is Dana Mabel. As a result, the life of her lifelong nemesis, Annie McHatty, will be ruined. This is the decision that the Wheel of Misery was struggling with during the convention, I might add. Sometimes the wheel decides quickly. Other times, it takes ages. Usually, it stops in time for the next drawing to begin.This was a long one, but it seems that Annie McHatty will now be thorny. Thorny. With a th. We have now genetically engineered Annie McHatty to grown thorns instead of hair on her body, and these are like long pointy sumbitches. Like you would bleed if you tried to touch her. This will completely ruin any chance that Annie McHatty would have had at romance, and it will make her a hazard to be around in even normal, professional scenarios. For good measure, Dana Mabel will have to continue working with Annie McHatty. Watch out, Mabel. Congratulations again on the win.
That brings us to the end of the broadcast. No, wait, here it is. The monster formerly known as Peter Wood, and which we could continue to call Peter Wood, has just entered my studio. It opened the door and stepped inside. I am not sure if this andromorphous, andranatomic, androcytic, androecious… penis has eyes or ears, so I don’t actually know if it detects my presence. It did open the door gently, and shut it quietly. It is clearly thinking, but we can’t be certain if it’s thinking with its penis or not. It’s moving into the corner, folks. It seems tired out. It’s laying down, and it’s beginning to nap. I think. Shareholders, Grace Rule, the contracts master here at Kakos Industries, just stepped in also. She is approaching the greasy man-part. She’s putting a hand on it. She’s giving it an affectionate rub. It seems to be waggling a leg. It likes the belly rub, or shaft rub, or whatever the hell it is that I’m witnessing. She’s giving it a rub around the neck, on the head. It seems to be responding well, shareholders. It’s growing in size. No, Grace, what are you doing! Are you sure this is really necessary? Can we do this anywhere else? Please? No, Grace, it’s starting to quiver. Grace? Grace? Grace?
(We hear the sound of a man-sized penis ejaculating.)
OH MOTHERFUCKER. IT’S EVERYWHERE NOW. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, GRACE. BURN THE FUCKING STUDIO DOWN AND GET ME ANOTHER. I HAVE TO GO CHANGE MY FUCKING CLOTHES. I DON’T CARE IF IT SAVED HIS LIFE. WE SHOULD HAVE JUST KILLED HIM. THE NUMBERS? FUCK THE NUMBERS. I’M OUT.
Another voice: 11, 10, 17, 16, 24, 23, 200,097, 200,096.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently moisturizing. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered internet activism?