119 – Attention
in which there are some disturbances, we hear about the Evil growing inside of Kakos Industries, and Hecate “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is just enough, no more.
(An Evil chime)
Corin I: Hey there, Kakos Industries employees. This is an emergency announcement. There’s been an incident and it looks like there’s a bunch of gene editing micro bacteria floating around the building. Do your best to get to a clean air room, but it’s probably too late. You’re probably going to end up some kind of freaky mutant with all kinds of extra arms or tits. But we’ll love you all the same and we’ll find a place for you to work in your new, appalling form. Thank you.
(An Evil chime)
Corin III: So those have been happening all day. We’re not sure what’s going on exactly, but there seems to be a glitch in whatever system is responsible for these automated warnings from my grandfather, the former CEO for those of you just joining us, and they’ve been playing at irregular times and warning us about just the strangest things–
(An Evil chime)
Corin I: Hey, Kakos Industries employees and visitors… It has something to do with rabbits.
(An Evil chime)
Corin III: Right, so they’re unpredictable and just kind of a pain in the ass. They’re warning messages he recorded in case these strange scenarios came to pass. We haven’t found a record of hardly any of them actually occurring. They were really over prepared on these pre-recorded messages. They’ve been all over the place, too. We’re pretty sure they don’t actually correspond to any real hazards in the building at this moment. It’s just a malfunction in the system. Earlier, there was something about Evil crows. I haven’t seen a crow all day. Then there was the one about clowns. No clowns as far as I can tell. We’re currently trying to work out where the recordings are being played because we haven’t been able to shut them down yet. Why there are intercom speakers in the recording studio I don’t understand. Soundman is furious. Okay, Soundman is a little angry. Anyway, we’re working on it and I’m just going to do the best I can to get the announcements to you in between these erratic interruptions. At any rate, these are the Kakos Industries shareholder announcements, Kakos Industries helps you to Do Evil Better, and I am CEO, Corin Deeth III.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a paper radio you folded with your own two hands. We sent you the sheet and the directions. It shouldn’t have taken more than an hour or so to get everything in the right configuration and get all of the electrical connections embedded in the sheet into place. Once everything was all set, the long end of the abstract sculpture should be grabbing these radio signals, and the round end of the sculpture should be amplifying my voice clearly. The audio quality is somewhat dependent on your skill at folding paper and connecting electrical contact points. Unsurprisingly, this radio comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Origami and Lewbis Textiles. As always, these announcements are strictly for Kakos Industries Shareholders. If you’re not a shareholder, and you are hearing these announcements, then I have some bad news. Folding paper as well as you did is at least a sign that somewhere deep inside of you there is some major Evil just waiting to get out. You are one of us now. Welcome.
CDI: Please make your way to the exits, There are fucking bees everywhere!
CDIII: Last time–
CDI: Fucking bees! Get out of here! BZZZ BZZZ BUZZ OFF!
CDIII: Last time, we were just waking up from the Shareholders Ball, and it was one for the record books. I hope that all of you are recovering well from the experience. It can leave one emotionally raw and a bit drained. Hopefully a month has helped the worst of the feelings to pass and what you are left with is some Evil inspiration.
CDI: There is a fire… somewhere. You had better pack up the important stuff and go hang out on the lawn.
CDIII: My readings do not indicate a fire, and let me tell you, I have fire sensors fucking everywhere.
We also recently had the Celebration of Affirmation. It was an at-home sort of thing, as you might expect. We asked all of you to write some affirmations down. We didn’t tell you to think of anyone in particular, and we didn’t tell you who the affirmations would be going to. We just told you to write some nice things down, whether you wanted to say them to somebody, or you just thought they might be nice to hear. Then we took all of those affirmations, mixed them up in a big pile, and let a computer decide who needed to hear those words the most. It worked pretty well, but we’re told we beat the average human capabilities by more than ten percent, so on average, all of you were affirmed much better than if we had let people do it.
Studying the Big Black Hole where our New York location once was has become difficult. You see, there is an enormous lightning storm now going pretty much nonstop in there. It’s far too dangerous to lower any decent employee into its depths, and the lesser employees are running low. Our researchers have also been appearing not only in Latin America, but also Northern Africa, and Southeast Asia. Something far too chaotic is going on. We are working with dimensional and scientific forces that we clearly do not understand. One employee that emerged in Algiers is not actually on our record books. It’s easy to assume that the employee came from another dimension where Kakos Industries is doing similar research, but the far simpler answer is that we just forgot to write down the name of the test subject and then forgot all about them. A few of us visited the hole and did the usual humming and holding hands. Doing a ritual like that with a wild lightning storm happening just below your feet is pretty sick.
I have news from the Division of Incredibly Boring Things. They say –
CDI: Everybody Duck! (Pause) Okay. You can get up again.
CDIII: Cool. I lost my place. Coming up, we have the Darkest Universe Festival. The DIvision of Dionysia has been trying to do some rebranding here. They’ve been kicking around “The Bleakest Universe” and “A Dark Universe” or “A Darker Universe”. They believe that these names will make it easier for us to commit this time around seeing as how we’ve all been in a pretty dark place as it is. They figure it’s easier to commit to a mildly darker Universe, probably one with more sex, than to commit fully to the darkest possible Universe. That seems difficult. We’re all a little darkness fatigued. So, shareholders, along with your foldable radio, you were given a picture of a really sexy person. Yes it is Yolanda Walker. Instead of wishing horrible, terrible things in the direction of Ms. Walker, instead, think sexy things. Wish Yolanda some great sex. Wish to have sex with Yolanda. Wish to have sex with someone. This is the direction we are taking this festival.
CDI: Hey employeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss! Watch out!
CDIII: What fucking benefit would that stupid announcement bring? Watch out?
Kimmie’s sculpting is getting pretty intense. She’s, uh… I think she’s building a mech. Like a mech suit from an anime. It’s a single pilot model, though she told me that I can “ride bitch”. Not the terminology I would use, but okay. I had assumed that there was a lot that went into designing a mech suit like this, but it turns out there’s a big community of open source developers and DIY enthusiasts that have really taken a lot of the experimentation and guesswork out. If you can weld and do a couple of command line instructions on some open hardware, you are in business. The choices of weaponry and such are up to the individual though. This particular unit looks like it’s going to have four chainsaws. I might have to have one of these built. I don’t have much time to do all of the forum reading and part picking. Or maybe I’ll enjoy sitting in the back, Who knows. I could probably have a drink or something. I might–
CDI: So, employees, yeah, you better start heading to the exits. And while you’re doing that, I’m going to tell you a little story to keep your minds off any kind of danger that there might be. When I was a young CEO, I would sometimes take walks through the woods on the wooded lawn here at Kakos Industries. I’d get a little overwhelmed, and I’d take a walk. I liked the woods because it was shady and the trees provided some privacy. One time I saw this naked woman running through the forest. She was covered in mud. Her hair was wild and matted. But she was super hot. I started to run after her. I knew that it might have been a trap, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to see her again. After chasing after her for a few hours, I wound up exhausted and the trail was cold. I never did find her again. But under the log I sat on to take a break, I found a bunch of porno magazines. They were pretty alright as a substitute I think. I never saw her again. Well anyway, you should be to safety now. The danger was Dark Mega Bears, by the way. Probably could have mentioned that earlier I suppose. Well, stay outside until the bear wrestlers can get things under control.
CDIII: That was a long one. These are so distracting. I have a team currently working on figuring out where these announcements are coming from. It’s complicated. The source seems to be hard wired, so tracing some sort of radio signal isn’t going to help. The issue then is that there are wires all over the damn building, hiding in walls and floors and ceilings, and it can be a real pain to try to trace any one of them anywhere. They might think that they’ve isolated half of the building for example by cutting a wire, but there could be another wire connected somewhere nearby in a way that isn’t exactly obvious. I would love to say that there’s some sort of receiver unit that all of the wires are plugged into, but things are combined haphazardly instead and… this could take a while. So far, they’re able to disable the entire warning alarm system for the building, which stops most of these announcements, though I will say not all, but the trouble with that is that warning announcements are important. I’ve simply informed what staff we have in the building to ignore anything in my grandfather’s voice.
CDI: OH FUCK. OH FUCK. OH FUCK. OH FUCK.
CDIII: That was loud. And not very specific at all.
I am told that Hell is getting some unusual announcements as well, but they are much lower in pitch and do not seem to be my grandfather’s voice when sped up. They carry more ominous messages like “Be alert at all times, but especially now,” and “Praying may be wise at this time.” We don’t know where those are coming from or who recorded them. It is possible the two situations are unrelated. Meredith Gorgoro seems unfazed by the situation. She is lying on a fancy couch throwing snack food into her mouth with her enormous, bitchin monster arm. Fuck I still want one so bad.
CDI: (whispering, loudly) Hey, employees. It’s Corin Deeth here. Today’s Junior’s birthday. If you see him wandering about playing with his trucks and super villain action figures, be sure to tell him happy birthday. Don’t tell him I told you to say anything though. Presents are also acceptable. I’ll give you twenty minutes to run to the store to pick something up.
Junior: Have you not yet found a way to stop this madness?
Corin: So you heard that one.
Junior: I heard it the first time it went over the speaker system, and every year after that until I was thirteen.
Corin: I’m sorry.
Junior: It is not my birthday.
Corin: I know.
Junior: I don’t know why he always made such a point of getting the employees to wish me a happy birthday. There were parties, you know. Sometimes large parties.
Corin: He cared about you.
Junior: In a way. A strange way.
Corin: He was nothing if not strange.
Corin: How are the little ones?
Junior: Oh, yes. They are outstanding. They will be twenty months this month.
Corin: Time flies.
Junior: The milestones are different for monsters, you know. Some develop faster, and others develop slower than a completely human counterpart. But they are all beginning to speak. Yezil speaks in the most disturbing of ancient tongues. I love the wildness of it, though Grace would like to see them all learning English. Haroom has taken to drawing. The scenes of crayon carnage are breathtaking. Quesh runs quickly around their play area. So quickly. That one will be hard to catch in a few years. Nera asks so many questions. That one may have one of the most Evil minds this company will ever see. More Evil than mine perhaps, and you know what that means coming from me, don’t you Corin? Killiet has seemingly taken the longest to develop, but there is a presence about that one, Corin. There is a presence that speaks volumes. When Killiet finally speaks, all will listen.
Corin: I can’t believe they’re getting so big.
Junior: These things happen quickly. You have to savor the moments because they leave you in a hurry. I am now allowed to enter their nursery. Grace allows me to play games with them. I help them to set up the blocks. I help them to put things away. Yezil has a tendency to set things on fire instead of putting them away. We’re working on that. And then I have to be very specific when I am leaving about when I will return or they get quite upset, Corin. They get very upset. The secret is that I think I miss them more than they miss me.
Corin: That’s very sweet.
Junior: Corin, I am cultivating the future of Evil. This is incredibly important work! It requires my entire heart and being. Don’t be ridiculous with your “sweet”. This is the most Evil thing I could possibly do. More Evil than anything you do during your day.
Corin: It sounds very nice.
Junior: It’s amazing to watch them. They are all growing up so differently. They are developing personalities.
Junior: Please see to it that these announcements stop. They are disturbing the little ones. And me.
Corin: We’re doing our best. Actually, it’s been a minute since I’ve heard one. Maybe they’ve figured it out finally.
Junior: Let us hope. Remember that the twenty month party is the velvet portrait celebration, so find one. And bring it. Ta-ta.
CDI: Kakos Industries employees and visitors, I have to tell you there’s an incredible density of horniness right here in my office. If anyone thinks they have the skills necessary to tackle this situation, head this direction immediately. I need help and lots of it.
CDIII: I love it. For what it’s worth, shareholders, I have never used the in-office announcement system to request sex, nor would I do such a thing, even though it would almost certainly be successful. This isn’t a hint. Don’t come to my office.
The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To finally decided to open the lock in Cedric’s chest. That is Cedric the person and his human chest. While this action doesn’t kill him. It does cause some interesting side effects. He laughs, or he cries, or he screams with anger. It would appear that Cedric has a special system of some sort that is keeping his emotions bottled up behind a lock, and they rush out en masse when the key is turned. The Division gave him the key, their curiosity satisfied. He locked it again. It would appear that not all of us are ready for the unfiltered intensity of our emotions.
The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment are getting ready for Dinotank Vs. Cephalocopter. This battle was intense and it left serious damage in Christ Hole. Texas, where they were accidentally released during a theme park test. I’m really looking forward to seeing what they do with it.
The Division of Erotic Experiences has begun bringing in human test subjects again. They are testing out in reality what has worked so far in theory. Many of you will remember the Fucking@Home crowd computing application that folds human bodies into new and interesting sexual shapes in order to determine what might be most sex. Well, they’ve got some leads, and why not test those out with real human bodies instead of digital representations. It’s the only way we’ll really learn, right? So far they’ve tried out three of the positions. One is called The Mechanical Bulls, and it looks rather intense. Another is called The Extended Valkyrie, and it looks like it requires some serious flexibility on everyone’s account. The final one is called Martha for unknown reasons and it looks like it might be a glitch from the system. The bodies don’t really even touch, and it seems like the lower halves of each body need to be swapped with one partner. Not sure how they’ll get that one to work in practice.
I pulled a dead fish from one of the tanks in my old office. It did not give me any wisdom before it died. I am still so very confused.
The Division of Licking Things has given me a note that simply says Bathroom 99-C. That’s the one on the third floor in between the offices for the Division of Frustration and the Division of Jargon. I don’t know. Maybe stay out of there. Or don’t.
Despite missing several deadlines to actually prove my inherent goodness, Kakos-Epiphany.orgorgorg is still a thing. I’m not sure at what they are getting at.
CDI: Hey, Kakos Industries employees. I’m about to take some Mega Pketamine. You all remember what happened last time, so just keep that in mind. You’ve been warned. Whelp, here I go!
Corin: I haven’t gotten a message back from the team trying to stop this nonsense. Hopefully we’ll have it sorted out before the next time you hear from me.
They say that Evil once put a single piece of insect into every candy made for an entire year during the nineteen nineties. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for alarms, being startled, and needing uncomfortable information to live your life. If you disagree with anything we’ve just taken credit for, be prepared to have your origami radio cut out at an inopportune time.
Hecate (heck-a-tay) has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. We gave the Wheel of Misery a strong spin and it sort of wobbled back and forth in between a few possible fates before finally arriving at Abstract. As a result, Hecate’s nemesis will become more abstract.That nemesis is just a drawing of one suspicious dog. We will find this dog in reality, and one suspicious dog will become 38% more abstract. This includes form, personality, presence, and thinking. I think we can all see where this might cause some serious issues. For Evil measure, Hecate will be 13% more concrete. Not literally. Metaphorically. It might be an issue.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad are looking really bronzed, but they’re not just looking like tan human beings. The bronzer appears to be a sea green in color. Okay, I’m being told the color is kelp. I’m sorry, Soundman, I thought your specialty was audio. I don’t pay you to correct me on colors. Anyway. They’re naked otherwise, but somehow the level of tan seems to almost function as clothing. It’s a little difficult to imagine, I suppose.
This brings us to the end of these announcements. I certainly hope that you feel more informed about what we’re doing here at Kakos Industries. Obviously things are still not exactly normal, but we’re compensating as well as we can. I am sure you are all doing the same. You can tear up your origami now. THe numbers are next.
You’ve got to be kidding me. There’s actually bees out there? Is that why the alarms are going off? Lock the door, Soundman.
CDI: Well, it looks like it’s rabid koalas everyone. Get out while you can. Okay, love you bye.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a great sword wielded by an amateur. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Lex, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Calico, who found all of the edge pieces, and Fairy Squad Mother, who connected all of the puzzle pieces with text one them. And thanks also to our division heads. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Bellamy Cornet, has started to pack up the eldritch zoo. It apparently folds up really neatly if you know how. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has gotten out the old Evil tape deck. It whines like something is dying as the wheels move. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has interrupted five thousand sneezes, saving whole minutes.. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I don’t think so.” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed Spaghetti Tangle. “Incredibly difficult to get a few strands on your fork. Intriguing. 11/13”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Just Water, a cookbook for cooking and seasoning just water. It’s not the most nutritious. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a warm spot on the floor in the utility closet on the fifth floor. We’re not sure why it’s warm, but it is warm and a bit comfortable. The Division of Uneven Surfaces, Directed by The Doctor, has noticed that marbles dropped in Hallways 1399-4 run downhill to Hallway 1499-9. They have no hypotheses, but they apparently love dropping marbles.The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Jack, has been strolling down Hallway 3. It squishes slightly under your feet. It’s weird. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked two pandas. They still wouldn’t do it, though.. The Division of Suspiciously Specific Charitable Donations, directed by Hemlock Yew, has made a donation to an art museum for exactly seven dollars, the price on a reduced fare day. Perhaps the Division snuck in when no one was looking and felt guilty about it later. The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has discovered a way to make Mondays that much more Monday. It is an extremely cold office for the first three hours you’re there. The Division of Algorithmical Excellence, led by O’Malley, has developed an even stranger ratio to judge people’s attractiveness by. It has to do with noses and hips. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. If you stand on it maybe it’ll poke a hole through reality.