114 – The Thirteen Trials of Corin Deeth
in which Byolgerer, the Trials Master, makes some requests, Corin plays dress up, and Calico Davis “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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Intro: What you are about to hear is world music. Just not this world. Not that one either.
CORIN I: Hello, Kakos Industries Shareholders! It’s me, Corin Deeth, your CEO and absolute favorite voice to hear. It’s Halloween, everyone, and you know what that means! Murder! Horror! Death and destruction! Monsters and killers roaming the streets! What’s that? That’s just the movies? Well, obviously I know that. I know things, you know. I do go out. I do see the world. I do have a grip on reality. At least for now. Hopefully not too much longer.
Shareholders, it’s a wonderful time to be alive. It’s 1989, but we’re partying like it’s 1889 and 2089, and 1999. Two-thousand-zero-zero party over oops out of time. I mean, not yet. There’s time left. More than eleven years by my estimation. The party around the building is going crazy. The drugs and the liquor are flowing. I think my heart already stopped once earlier. Got it going again with a quick pounding of the chest. I’m pretty sure one of the board members is just dead at a table in the basement ballroom, but people are too busy partying to do anything about that. The Exectopuses have immersed themselves in a hallucinogenic brine. The sex pile continues as always.
Hopefully you’re here. Hopefully you’re in the building or around the building or on top of the building or floating above the building. Hopefully, you’re here. We’re having a great time. Except for maybe the people floating above the building. We’ll get them down eventually. We’ll get around to it. It’ll be great. We’ll have a great time together.
If you’re not here, or you’re here and you’re totally lost, let me paint you a picture of the events. The basement ballroom is your intoxication station. We’ve got banquet tables filled with the finest synthetic, naturally occurring, and genetically modified substances to get you elevated, drop you to the floor, kick you in the you know what, or, in rare cases, make you float helplessly around the building. We’ve got stuff to get you amped. We’ve got stuff to bring you back down. We’ve got stuff to even you out. We’ve got stuff to get you ready for anything. We’ve got stuff that’ll really just open you up if you know what I mean. If you take all of it in the wrong order, you’ll end up like that one board member propped up to look alive in the folding table in the corner. Maybe we can bring him back. Maybe we can’t. What’s important is that he went out doing what he loved. Drugs in the wrong order. If you do the drugs in the right order, and I think we all know what I mean when I say that, you’re in for a really good time. I’m halfway there myself, but I wanted to stay at least partially fresh for you, shareholders. We don’t want a repeat of a few months ago. You know what I’m talking about. Look, the loss of the DarkMegaCaine recipe has been weighing on all of us heavily, but this cocktail of drugs we have on offer for you is out of sight. I barely even miss it.
We’ve got a haunted house that is certain to scare you half to death. Or half to Deeth. What was I saying? Huh? Oh right, it’ll scare you half to death. If you’re already half dead, then I wouldn’t recommend it. If you’ve recently made a deal with an ancient djinn to do double to your mother in law whatever happens to you, then well, this is possibly the experience for you. I went through it earlier, and it scared me half to life, if you know what I’m saying!
We’ve also got a regular banquet hall filled with fun and tasty snacks. We’ve got all the spooky food you could want to eat. Stuff inside of pumpkins. Stuff that looks like spiders. Come to think of it, I probably haven’t eaten enough today. Oh well.
We’ve also got our Halloween village open. If you are in need of spooky witchcraft and other weirdly old-timey shit, it’s there. Go bother the residents! Have a great fucking time if that’s what you’re into!
And let’s not forget the dance party. That insane, hot, heavy, unrelenting dance party. It’s hot sex in music form being dripped into your ear by a loving witchdoctor. It’s like that person you’ve been crushing on telling you they want to take you to the top of the hill to makeout point, and you say, not makeout point, let’s go to the even higher top of the hill where the people get downright nasty, and they’re like yeah, let’s do that. It’s like all of your goals being met in one fell swoop. It is the best.
And we have a lot to celebrate, shareholders. I’ve had a few personal milestones in my life, but also, today, I completed the Thirteen Trials. The monster Byolgerer came to me earlier this month and told me that to save Evil as we know it, I would need to complete the Thirteen Trials. And I did. On time. They were amazing. I was amazing. I am feeling soo good.
Hold on. I could feel better.
We’ve got some Hauntocaine…
(long snorting sound)
Some compressed JoyGas.
(spraying and breathing)
A handful of some tasty Broonies. THey’re like brownies, but drugs.
And some more Hauntocaine.
(long, long snorting. Repeats snorting. Just so much snorting.)
Wow! Okay. Okay. Alright. I’m here. Are you here? I’m here. I am here. And I am feeling it. Are you feeling it? I feel like anyone within 1.6 kilometers of me right now just got super fucking high. Oh my EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Alright. Get it together, Deeth. We’ve got something important. I have to make a recording. For, uh, you know. My grandson. He’ll be taking over some day. He needs to know some things about these Thirteen Trials. I just have to hit record and –
(Click. Tape ends)
CORIN III: I don’t think I have to tell you shareholders that my grandfather had already been recording, and had in fact, at that moment, turned off the recording.
I was visited by Byolgerer, the Trial Master earlier this month, as was my grandfather apparently in the year of my birth. Byolgerer laid out before me the tasks, and I set to work on said tasks so that I could save Evil. I was shortly thereafter given this tape, which was labelled “Important Thirteen Trial Stuff”. Obviously, there was nothing all that important about the Thirteen Trials on this particular tape. That was frustrating as you can understand, and I had to make do without the advice of my grandfather. On the upside, there has always been this skeleton just sort of floating around the Kakos Industries building. It occasionally bumps into windows on the upper floors. I guess we all know where it came from now. We didn’t like to talk about it because it didn’t seem scientific in nature, but now we are all confident that it has a perfectly reasonable scientific explanation, like drugs somehow making bones about as dense as air. And maybe something to do with magnets keeping it close to the building. We would be able to do science on the skeleton if we could at least catch it, but it tends to float away when you try. Oh well. We, um, call the skeleton Stan, by the way. We’re not sure if that’s the right name. The scientists tell us the bones structure is typically female.
Melantha: Oh, shit.
Corin: Melantha? It’s been a while. It’s nice to hear from you.
Melantha: Yes, Corin, it is I, Melantha Murther, the most Evil person on Earth or in the known galaxy. I am interrupting you, completely on purpose!
Corin: Did you… did you interrupt me by mistake?
Melantha: Everything I do is exactly when I mean to with maximum intentionality!
Corin: Okay. How’s your party going?
Melantha: It’s brilliant, you know. Amazing. Simply outstanding. Hot. Sexual. Everyone is in a constant state of spooky bliss.
Corin: Right, right. There’s, uh… there’s no one there is there.
Melantha: Of course there is!
Corin: We’ve only got a handful of people over here. Everyone kept breaking quarantine. It was like herding cats.
Melantha: My party is the best.
Corin: Is that why you interrupted me?
Melantha: Obviously to gloat.
Corin: Can you hold up whatever you’re speaking into to the crowd so I can hear how many people there are.
(Melantha fakes a crowd)
Melantha: HHHHAAAAAAA woooo! Oh yeah! Party! We’re fucking! It’s great! You’re the hottest, Melantha!
Corin: Right. So what’s up?
Melantha: Only the most Evil things.
Corin: Cool. I’m going to hang up.
Melantha: Tell me more about these Thirteen Trials.
Melantha: Oh, for fuck’s sake, Corin! I’m bored. I meant to get some entertainment out of you, teasing you or whatever, but then you started on this story and I accidentally hit the call button and here we are. I want to hear the story.
Corin: You were listening to the announcements?
Melantha: We intercept all of your announcements. And quite a few of your phone calls.
Corin: We’re going to have to work on that.
Melantha: Just finish the story. I want to hear about these Trials. Soundwoman, can we get some trials? Okay, work on it!
Corin: Right, as I was saying…
There are 13 Trials. They are The Trial of Pain, The Trial of Drug, The Trial of Madness, The Trial of Puzzle Part 1, The Trial of Exploration, The Trial of Knowledge, The Trial of Combat, the Trial of Strength, the Trial of Puzzle Part 2, The Trial of Monster, The Trial of Truth, The Trial of Mystery, and The Trial of Anticipation.
Unlike my grandfather in his recording, I have unfortunately not tackled all of my tasks as of yet. There are three that remain. The Trial of Truth, The Trial of Mystery, and The Trial of Anticipation. While I can only assume what the final of the three entails, the remaining two have been, well, mysterious. We’ll get to Truth in a minute. The Trial of Mystery has been a bit more complicated. Byolgerer, a strange, bandaged, almost mummy-like monster, refused to elaborate, only waving its hands in a mysterious fashion. Byolgerer has long fingers with aged, almost greenish skin. Its nails are yellowed and sharpened into points. It is vaguely humanoid, but I’m not sure the origin of Byolgerer. Much like many of our older monsters around Kakos Industries, they have a plausible, non-magical origin, it just happened to be a long time ago and no one remembers, or no one responsible is still alive. As Byolgerer waved its hands at me, I felt the mystery. I felt a chill. Something had changed. Something needed investigating. I was unsure as to what. And then, I was contacted by Ruby Lachlan, specialist in solving spooky mysteries and sister of Angus and Titus Lachlan.
Ruby: I prefer Sibling, Corin.
Corin: Oh, I’m sorry.
Ruby: You see, Corin, sister feels like trousers that are too tight, but sibling is like a comfy pair of tracky daks. Sometimes you just don’t want to wear tight trousers, Corin.
Melantha: I don’t think Corin understands that particular concept.
Ruby: And call me Roo. We’re friends.
Melantha: Ruby Roo?
Ruby: Who’s that?
Corin: I’ve got Melantha Murther on speakerphone.
Ruby: That is a high quality speaker phone you’ve got there, Corin.
Melantha: You’re Ruby Roo, and you investigate spooky mysteries.
Ruby: Call me Roo. Like Kanga.
Melantha: Oh, it’s that joke? I’m disappointed.
Corin: Roo is not a joke, Melantha. They are a talented mystery solver.
Ruby: Speaking of, I have some updates regarding our case here, Corin.
Corin: Oh, great.
Ruby: I am feeling very mysterious.
Melantha: What does that mean?
Corin: Quiet, you.
Ruby: I’ve got butterflies in my tummy, and I am feeling a distinct sense of wonder coming from my surroundings.
Corin: I feel the same way. I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Melantha: So what? All I feel is bored and horny, which is kind of my MO.
Corin: You’re not here, Melantha. And if you want any more of the story, you’ll stop interrupting.
Melantha: Sorry. And also, not sorry. I don’t apologize. I’m always right.
Ruby: I’ve been detecting a marked increase in spookiness around Old Kakos Pond. I think that’s where I will continue my investigations.
Corin: There’s that creepy old shack over there, too.
Ruby: Makes me feel downright mysterious. I just want to get in there and make inquiries. Just want to fill my head with previously unknown knowledge. I just want to find that secret and stick my fingers in its mouth.
Corin: Right. Well, best of luck.
Ruby: I don’t need luck. I just need a decent clue, Corin. I’m off.
Melantha: What are you wearing, Corin?
Melantha: I need details. Set the scene. And I want to know what your costume is.
Corin: I don’t know, I’m like some kind of professor at a magic school.
Corin: Cardigan. Round glasses. Slacks. Kimmie helped me to pick it out.
Corin: I usually wear a tie.
Melantha: Nice shoes?
Corin: I don’t wear shoes while I’m broadcasting, Melantha. I’m not an animal.
Melantha: Do you have your hair up?
Melantha: Do, um, do a little twirl for me.
Corin: You can’t see me.
Melantha: Make a muscle.
Corin: You can’t see me!
Melantha: I just want to imagine. It sounds… nice.
Corin: Imagine away.
Melantha: What do you do with your naughty pupils, Corin?
Melantha: When they’re bad.
Corin: If I’m a professor, that means University, so I don’t know, I have them removed from the class or something. Or I fail them.
Melantha: But how would you punish them?
Corin: I wouldn’t? There’s like ethics guidelines. And if we’re going to keep playing, I think I’d have to check… well, I mean, we’re not serious, but… You know I don’t want to cause any problems.
Melantha: Why are you like this?
Corin: There’s no one in your building, is there?
Melantha: Not a soul. Except Soundwoman and she doesn’t like being touched..
Corin: I would have thought you’d find a way to, you know, make that work in your building.
Melantha: It’s harder than it sounds, okay? Trying to get people to follow simple rules is just somehow unreasonable.
Corin: What are you wearing? Probably nothing.
Melantha: It’s called body paint, and at least I have shoes on.
Melantha: I’m the eruption of Mount Vesuvius as told through several intricately detailed tableaux incorporating every inch of my perfect curves.
Corin: Neat. I’ve got to move on with the story.
So the Trials. The Trial of Pain was simple, but obviously not enjoyable. Byolgerer had barely introduced itself when it kicked my square between the legs and then punched me hard in the solar plexus. I honestly thought for about three minutes that I was going to die. Mind you, I had no idea if any of Byolgerer’s story was true at this time. I was just on the ground crying and feeling my life slip away. It was like, “Hi I’m Byolgerer, there are some trials, and wham.” Kimmie helped me to ice everything, and that’s when I got the tape from my grandfather giving this situation some legitimacy. I needed to save Evil, and at least the Trial of Pain was behind me. Byolgerer appeared before me again to tell me about the Trial of Drug. Or rather, to put a borosilicate flask in front of me and to instruct me to drink from it. I was just beginning to recover from the Trial of Pain, and here I was not knowing what I was about to get myself into. It was a lot.
I quaffed the mysterious substance. There was a lot in the flask. I checked with Byolgerer if I needed to drink it all. Kimmie seemed as though she wanted to try some. Byolgerer simply said that it needed to all be consumed. I drank about two-thirds of it before handing the remainder off to Kimmie. I didn’t feel like splitting it fifty-fifty would have been fair to her if it was going to be terrible. Byolgerer snuck away while we were drinking, and soon it was just the two of us and the empty flask. My memory is honestly a bit fuzzy about what happened, but I remember running around the building, probably naked, chasing after Kimmie. I’m pretty sure she was naked also. I think I caught her. Then I remember running from her. The drug, whatever it was, was this intense rush. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so excited and activated, and up, and alert. It was amazing, and also it was terrifying. Luckily there was basically no one else in the building to disturb. I feel like I was yelling a lot. I remember driving a go kart or a golf cart or something like that. I never found it again after the fact if that was the case. When I came down, I was in my bed in my apartment here in the building. Still naked. There were no sheets on my bed. My television had been destroyed. There was broken glass on the floor and my feet were scabbed. Kimmie was nowhere to be found. Three days later, I noticed something weird about one of the couches in the fourth floor employee lounge. She was under the pillows, still tripping. She was naked, except for a fake beard on her face. I don’t think she had eaten anything in days. Part of her head had been shaved. It doesn’t look bad, but neither one of us can remember when or why it happened. Surprisingly, the come down from this experience wasn’t all that bad. I just had a lot of cleaning up to do. Kimmie later described the experience as “fun.”
I barely had time to get my bearings when Byolgerer returned. I was hoping that the Trial of Madness had already been completed while I was out of my head with whatever substance it had given me. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Byolgerer pricked my arm with one of its sharp fingernails and things suddenly became extremely uncomfortable. The building felt like it was swaying side to side and I was having an incredibly difficult time standing up. Then the fear took over. Such intense fear I had never felt before. It was like being chased by a tyrannosaurus with a black hole instead of teeth. Well, that metaphor made more sense at the time. Kimmie tried to comfort me and even gave me medicine to try to bring me back, but the fear grew too powerful. Her facial features were swimming on her face, and I knew I couldn’t trust her and I ran. Three days later, she found me under the couch cushions in the fourth floor employee lounge. If I had to write a review of that couch, I would say it is an ideal place to come down from a brief bit of madness if a bit uncomfortable.
Mercifully, the Trial of the Puzzle Part 1 was simple. Byolgerer asked me for some sort of relic that satisfied a riddle. At that moment, the caving team from the cave by Lake Wyverwil returned and they had this weird totem with them. I was happy that they made it back alive, scolded them for worrying me, disbanded their Division, and then put two and two together. The totem was exactly what Byolgerer was looking for, so I handed it over. Byolgerer was a little upset at how quickly we solved that one. There might have been a few answers. I actually don’t remember the riddle. The caving team was a little disappointed that I took their discovery and immediately handed it over, but they’ll get over it. I let them keep their Division.
I found Byolgerer in a hallway on my rounds. It scratched at one of the walls. The wall split apart revealing a hallway of the building I had not seen before, or perhaps I couldn’t remember. This was the Trial of Exploration. The hallway was dusty and the lights were malfunctioning. There were only two offices. One was completely empty. The other had a book about monsters that was written in Nether Dialect. I had it translated.
Melantha: I could have helped you.
Corin: Why would I have assumed you would help me?
Melantha: Well, um, yeah. I guess you wouldn’t! But you could have.
Corin: Continuing the story.
The book of monsters had a vague passage about Byolgerer suggesting that it had existed for a long time. That was about it. Some of the other passages were really interesting to Grace Rule, but I haven’t heard anything about that specifically.
Today’s broadcast, shareholders, is coming to you from a mechanical pumpkin programmed to follow you around and play back spooky music. Instead it’s my voice and these announcements.
Ruby: (On Walkie) Corin, I have followed my mysterious feelings.
Corin: Go ahead.
Ruby: I am at the Old Kakos Pond. I’ve poked my head into the creepy cabin. There’s someone here that would like to speak with you.
Corin: Like a spirit? Or…
Ruby: Like a person, Corin. Here.
Corin: Dirk? What the fuck. We’ve been looking for you for months.
Dirk: This cabin has been in my family’s possession for generations, Corin. I’ve been hiding out here. You know, to hide from it.
Corin: You mean… the whole situation going on?
Dirk: Yes, Corin.
Corin: You’ve been hiding from it?
Dirk: It’s the only way to be sure, Corin.
Corin: That’s not at all how this stuff works.
Dirk: I needed to be certain, Corin.
Corin: But… not even your family knew where you went, Dirk. No one at your business.
Dirk: Ah, my business. Sweet sweet Giant Ass Robots to Kick in Your Face. I’m sure it has gone completely under in my absence.
Corin: They’re doing better than ever, Dirk. More Evil, more money. It’s not the same without you, but they’re okay. Your family’s been worried sick, though.
Ruby: Corin, there’s a lot of weird stuff in here.
Dirk: Don’t look at that! Don’t look at my shame.
Ruby: There’s like humanoid robots here.
Corin: Dirk, is this like a sex thing? I mean we’re all getting lonely, but you know you’ve had trouble with sex robots before.
Dirk: Don’t be ridiculous, Corin. They’re not for sex.
Corin: Then what are they for, Dirk?
Dirk: Well, uh, you know, Corin. They’re for, you know, emotional support.
Dirk: Well, you know, Corin, sometimes you get a bit freaked out, and your family has a hard time understanding, so you hole up someplace. But then you get lonely and start to doubt your decisions, and you think you need support from somewhere.
Corin: You built a robotic family, Dirk?
Dirk: I needed support, Corin. I’m in hiding. I’m alone. Im in the nude. I’m covered in my own juices. I needed someone to hold me.
Ruby: Looks like three someones and one more in progress on the workbench.
Dirk: I needed support!
Corin: Dirk, go back to your family. I’m not sure this is healthy for you.
Dirk: I have to stay safe, Corin. And I need to find a new hiding spot so… it doesn’t find me.
Corin: Don’t do that. And don’t take the robots with you.
Dirk: But… what if I wanted to make them gigantic, Corin.
Corin: Gigantic family robots.
Dirk: Of course, Corin. Giant family robots of doom and destruction.
Ruby: I believe he is lying to you, Corin.
Corin: Be quiet, Roo. Dirk, that could work.
Dirk: Big rockets, fire breathing, and emotional support when you need it.
Corin: We’ll workshop it. There’s some great ideas there. Dirk, you should take your work with you. It’s important.
Dirk: Thank you, Corin. I’m off to find a new workshop.
Corin: If you need help, let me know. This work is important, Dirk.
Dirk:That it is. I will let you know.
Corin: Yeah, sorry, what is it, Roo?
Ruby: The source of the mysterious feeling isn’t here.
Corin: Well, keep looking.
The Trial of Knowledge was a written examination with essay questions about Evil. And sex. It was weird, but I did it, and I guess I passed. There were a lot of questions about sexual positions and acts. Then there was The Trial of Combat. I was just eating my lunch looking over some spreadsheets when Byolgerer showed up with two swords. It handed one of them to me and told me to follow. We got half way down the hallway when the floor opened up dropping me into an arena of some sort. Three robots came out from various alcoves around the arena, each with a sword in hand. I have trained with a variety of weapons because of where I work and what I need to do sometimes, but I was rusty. The training this month has been thrown objects, not swords. I figured I was in a lot of trouble because robots are typically great at what they do, but somehow, I came out on top. They must have been some older, less efficient models.
The Trial of Strength began once the robots were taken out. Byolgerer announced that I would need to find my own way out. There was a rope, but I’ve never been good at rope climbing, so instead I used some of the robot bits to pry one of the gates open. I had to use my strength to at least get the robot arms off. If only I could have one of those monster arms this wouldn’t be an issue.
Hell’s doing fine, by the way. They keep expanding and chipping away at the rock. They keep building pyramids hanging from the cave ceiling to put our more distinguished shareholders to rest. They are beginning to live with the monsters down there in something like harmony. It’s an interesting dynamic for sure. Meredith Gorgoro seems to… I don’t know. She’s very monstrous.
Then there was The Trial of the Puzzle Part 2. Byolgerer assembled the cavers from before and myself. Then it handed me the totem they had recovered. A few of them looked relieved to see it was whole. Then Byolger said “Look inside for inspiration.” It had assembled the cavers to watch me destroy the totem. And I did. They were missing for months and I smashed the thing they found. Inside, was a key. A few members of the Division of Figuring Out What All These Keys Go To came around the corner like they could smell the key. There was also a riddle on a piece of paper, but I didn’t get to look at it for long because they snatched the key and the clue and ran off. I ran after them. We ran through the Dark Hallway. We ran through the mossy floor. We ran through the desert lawn and even the dessert lawn.. We ran into a cave and out of a furniture store on the other side. Finally, we came to one of the exterior walls of the building. They put the key into a crack in the wall and opened a small passageway. Inside, there was a padlock. It wasn’t attached to anything. They were ecstatic at the sight of a lock they might have the key to. But then Byolgerer took it. That was that. They looked at me as if I was going to do something. I shrugged. The pain on their faces was real. I had more Trials to take care of.
When I stepped out of the small space we had just unlocked, Byolgerer was waiting for me there on the Savannah Lawn. In his hand was a leash. On the end of the leash was an enormous monster. It looked like a bull, or maybe a cartoon bull, but way too big and angry. It bared its sharp, non-herbivorous fangs. Byolgerer let go of the leash and the monster rushed me. I was able to dodge and grab a fistfull of the creature’s fur. I pulled myself onto its back and held on for dear life. It tried to shake me off and I just kept holding as tightly as I could. I used my legs to try to soothe the monster. After fifteen minutes of trying to shake me free, it finally calmed down. It lay down and I got free of it. Byolgerer looked pleased enough. I got out of dodge after that.
Before I get to the remaining Trials, I want to talk about our celebration here. We made some fairly strict requirements for attendance, and really only a small number of you made the cut. You did have to isolate for a really long time, it’s true. I still somehow expected more of you would succeed. I am told that Violet Trudge is here this evening. I’ve been meaning to check up on her.
Corin: That’s her now. How did she know?
Violet: (winded) You rang?
Corin: I didn’t.
Violet: If you were doing your job correctly, Corin, you would have called me ten minutes ago.
Corin: I guess I’ve had a lot of things to cover.
Violet: I’ve identified five hundred words you could have cut from your explanations. I’ll give you the notes later.
Corin: There’s no need. The broadcast will be over.
Violet: I just think people should learn from their mistakes.
Corin: It’s not.. Never mind. Why do you sound winded?
Violet: because I’m dancing, Corin.
Corin: You don’t really strike me as much of a dancer. Or partier.
Violet: Corin, this is Halloween. This party should be off the fucking chain right now, and it’s still thinking about if it wants to pop off. I have to do my part, and the part of over a thousand other shareholders and employees. I have to party like I’m a fucking army.
Corin: You could just try to have fun instead.
Violet: I have to have one-thousand fun, Corin. I have to have fun for everyone who isn’t here.
Corin: You don’t.
Violet: Corin, I have to dance like one thousand people aren’t watching right now or this celebration will be a failure.
Corin: I think we have to attenuate our expectations here.
Violet: Shut up. I have to drink this entire punch bowl.
Corin: That’s not smart. That’s got a lot of… something in it, I’m sure.
Corin: That sounded like a lot.
Violet: I have to get one thousand high, Corin.
Corin: That could kill you.
Violet: But can it kill me one thousand?
Corin: The once is usually enough.
Violet: I have to make out with everyone on the dance floor fifty times now.
Corin: That’s not… Well, ask permission first.
Violet: Obviously. (off mic) Hey, make out with me! Wait, where are you going? (gagging)
Corin: Are you okay?
Corin: Violet, are you throwing up?
Violet: (vomit sounds)
Corin: Are you okay?
Corin: Okay, we’re going to get a medical team to go take care of Violet. Let it be said that she partied one thousand.
I mentioned earlier that Kimmie helped me to pick out my Halloween costume. She’s been on a costume kick for a few weeks now. I know that we all have this urgency when October rolls around to try to get the most out of the only month where it’s really acceptable to be spooky in public. Kimmie is no different. I’m actually pretty surprised at how many costumes she has, though. There has been a different one each day. She’s run the gamut of off the shelf horny costumes and thrown in a number of seemingly bespoke costumes. I mean, they all fit her well. She, uh, she looks great in costumes. This has been a lot of fun for me, unexpectedly. The body suits, the short skirts, the wigs… It’s been fun. She has also insisted that I wear costumes to accompany hers. Today I’m a professor. She is also a professor, for what it’s worth, though I will admit that horny school girl was in the rotation earlier this month. There’s no one in the building for the most part, so it doesn’t matter much what we wear. I’m sure my grandfather did worse.
The Celebration of Books was stupid horny and stupid awkward as always. Well done.
Coming up we have the Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday. I would guess that Anti-Celebration will be easier and more intense this year, and Black Friday will be worse than usual.
Corin: Junior? But I’m already on the phone…twice I think.
Junior: I’m at the door.
Corin: Oh, wow. Your voice carries really well.
Junior: I have brought the little ones.
Corin: Would you look at that. It’s a five baby stroller.
Junior: They are trick or treating.
Corin: Oh, um… I don’t have any candy in here. Soundman… do you have any candy? (a pause) I can see from your expression that you have some candy. (a pause) Well, hand it over. (a pause) I’ll buy you more.
Melantha: There are babies?
Corin: Uh, yeah. Little Evil babies.
Melantha: I want to see the babies.
Corin: It’s not a video call, Melantha.
Melantha: Describe the babies to me.
Junior: Gladly. Yezil is dressed as a little vampire. Nera is dressed as an assassin of the order of the owl. Haroom is dressed as aquatic supervillian Oceanius. Quesh is dressed as the Delightful Viper from children’s television in the building. And Killiet is dressed as a wailing banshee.
Corin: They are adorable.
Melantha: Why didn’t you tell me there were babies? I want to see the little toesy-woesies.
Junior: Some of them are talons!
Corin: I didn’t tell you because it’s none of your business?
Melantha: Send me pictures.
Junior: I will do that. I have some incredibly ador– uh, frightening photographs that I can send your way.
Corin: Thanks for stopping by, Junior.
Junior: It reminds me of what father and I used to do when I was small. Smaller.
Corin: I’m glad you shared that with us.
Dr. Dunkelwissen and Jasmine Aashna have been trying to come up with new ways to figure out What is Most Sex. They’ve been working with geometry and spreadsheets and brainstorming terms and positions that might get them closer. I walked into their office where they had a whiteboard with just the word “Hard” on it circled several times. This may be, but I wonder if they aren’t going the wrong direction again.
Calico Davis has won today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, Calico’s nemesis will endure a life ruining defeat of some kind. That nemesis is the infallible wallaby. As you may have guessed, the Infallible Wallaby is a magician working the midwest circuit. We spun the Wheel of Misery and it landed on the space for Disrespectful. From this day forward, the Infallible Wallaby will be 43% more disrespectful. I expect that this will make the children’s birthday party gigs much harder, if not much more entertaining. Calico Davis will then be 13% more respectful, which carries its own hazards. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
They say that Evil once took to skywriting just to paste middle fingers all across the skies of every major city. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Given that one of my Trials has to do with Anticipation, I figured I should get through this stuff now just in case. This week we’re taking credit for decoration shortages, disappointing candy, and the knowledge that no oversized skeleton could truly make you feel like everything is normal again. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for all of these things, but we’d like to think we are. Wouldn’t you? If you said no, then you’re in a bit of trouble. Please be careful with your thoughts.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad are running around the building wearing nothing but teal glitter paint. It is obvious that there was some debate about the color they would be wearing as some of them have smudges of other paint on their bodies. Mostly magenta. I would ask why they didn’t wash it off, but when it comes to the Damnation and Ruination Squad, they mostly let nature do the bathing for them. It hasn’t rained in a while. Perhaps I could find a shower for them to try to ruin the life of, but somehow I imagine they would find a way to get even dirtier in the process.
Melantha: I want to hear more about this Trial of Truth.
Corin: I have to tell an uncomfortable truth. In front of people.
Melantha: Oh this will be great. Tell me, Corin, how badly do you want me?
Corin: That’s not the uncomfortable truth I’ve selected.
Melantha: Oh fine. If it’s not as bad at least, then I’ll be disappointed.
Corin: I called Kimmie “Maggie” in a romantic moment a few weeks ago.
Melantha: I’m not fully up to date on your office drama, but is that her ex?
Melantha: How did you slip that up?
Corin: I’m not sure.
Melantha: Were you intimate with her ex girlfriend?
Melantha: Not even with them both at a party or something?
Melantha: Did you want to be?
Corin: I didn’t not want to be.
Melantha: That is very strange and embarrassing.
Melantha: How did she react?
Corin: She was really not bothered. Her comfort level with human fallibility is kind of unsettling.
Melantha: She didn’t make fun of you?
Corin: I think she just kind of let it go.
Melantha: How does one… do that?
Corin: I wish I knew.
Melantha: That leaves two trials. I need closure.
Corin: Mystery and Anticipation. The latter… I think we just have to wait for it.
Melantha: And the former… Ruby Ruby Roo, where are you?
Ruby: I’m at The Old Kakos Pond still. And hey, that’s what ma used to say when I was a kid and out playing and she wanted me to come in for dinner.
Melantha: have you just been holding down the push to talk button, Corin?
Corin: They’re weird walkie talkies. Talk to Dunkelwissen.
Ruby: I’ve found some old inscriptions here on this stone face. I’m getting a real mysterious sensation, Corin. Oh, I can’t wait to get my fingers into this mystery.
Corin: What do the inscriptions say?
Ruby: I think they want blood, Corin.
Ruby: Stand by, I’ve got my trusty knife. It’s really only for cutting good things, and packaging tape, but I suppose I can make an exception. Let’s see, where should I cut?
Corin: We can get you some blood. You don’t have to do that.
Ruby: There’s no time.
Corin: I think we have time.
Ruby: Ahhh! Oh, that is bleeding a lot, isn’t’ it?
Corin: What did you cut?
Ruby: No matter, Corin. I think there’s enough blood.
Ruby: Oh, wow, Corin. There’s a spire coming up from out of the water!
Corin: A spire?
Ruby: It’s a stone structure. It has markings. It’s… Corin, I believe it is telling the origin story of Byolgerer.
Corin: What? Where did it come from?
Ruby: I looked away. The spire keeps rising. I’m into the middle years of its life now.
Ruby: it looks like… to break its curse, it needs a true Evil kiss.
Byolgerer: Hello, darling.
Corin: No. I don’t wanna.
Byolgerer: This is The Trial of Anticipation. I’ve been waiting for this moment.
Corin: It’s so slimy. And decaying.
Byolgerer: Come here.
Corin: There’s.. There’s like a person… We’re not serious, but I feel like I need to ask before…
Byolgerer: Kissy kissy.
Corin: No. It’s gross.
Melantha: Oh, yes. This is what I’m here for.
Byolgerer: Mwa, mwa.
Corin: Can I get like a dental dam.
Byolgerer: Unprotected… kisssssss.
Corin: What do I do?
Melantha: I think you kiss the monster, Corin. Stop being such a prude!
Corin: I hate this.
Byolgerer: Pucker up, buttercup. Mwa.
Melantha: I can’t see! Describe how gross it is!
Corin: I’m going to need a lot of mouthwash.
Byolgerer: Mwa Mwa.
Corin: Oh… for Evil!
Byolgerer: Oh yes! The Trials are complete!
Corin: (gagging) I suppose it could have been worse.
Ruby: There’s a note here, at the bottom of the spire, now that it has fully ascended from the pond, Corin. It looks like you wrote the note.
Corin: It couldn’t have been me. Maybe my grandfather.
Ruby: Whichever. It says, “you don’t have to kiss it. That’s optional.”
Corin: Oh for fuck’s sake.
Corin: Get out of here! Where’s my mouthwash!
Melantha: This is so much better than I had hoped.
Ruby: Has Byolgerer gotten away yet? You see, it’s my fingers, Corin. If I don’t get them in a monster mouth, I’m just not sure what kind of a mystery solver I am.
Corin: You can probably catch it.
Byolgerer: (distant) Hahahahahahahaha!
Ruby: Right-o. I’m on it.
Corin: Can we get an entire bowl of punch up here? I think I need to forget tonight happened.
Melantha: Thank you so much for letting me listen in like this, Corin. It was the best Halloween I could have hoped for.
Corin: I’m going to hang up on you now, Melantha.
That brings us to the end of the broadcast, shareholders. I hope that you have had a lovely Halloween, and I look forward to partying with all of you next year. Take care of yourselves. I need to go get a new mouth installed. Destroy the robotic pumpkin before it gets hungry. Trust me on that one. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a ____quippy _death nun___. Special guest appearances in this episode by Briauna Kittle, Kitt Keller, Rebecca Ryan, Matt Braman, and Anwar Newton. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Jack Attack, Valerie Koop, Dwight Spencer, Fairy Squad Mother, Damien Scott-Viker, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Kristina Kirkland, who fired the test rifle, and Calico, who picked up the shells. And thanks also to our division heads. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Brittney Garcia, has knit just a ton of ghosts and bats. Just a ton of them. For their zoo or whatever. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has gotten out the old hole punch. Believe it or not, but this hole punch has claimed more lives than almost any machine at Kakos Industries. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has set a maximum number of chews before swallowing in the lunchroom. This has saved seconds, even accounting for the guy who choked. The Division of Saying It the Long Way, directed by Dino Schroeder, has been workshopping “Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, in a mental state completely unimaginable to us, under conditions we can’t understand, with context we will never know, there was a person just like me who thinks you’re an asshole” The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed the liquid nitrogen ice cream stand. Too smooth, 6.9/9”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff has been working on Tastiest Homemade Paper. The process for making the paper is sound. Until it is ingested. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, directed by Sass Master J, has found a tree in the arboretum with the perfect branch to stretch out and nap on. The Division of Applied Retro-Pungineering, directed by Pepijn Poolman, has developed a television show called Deadliest Snatch. I don’t think I have to tell you what it’s about. The Division of High Concept Sexual Hijinks, directed by Wraith Fenix, has developed an excuse to get all of your lovers trapped in the same remote chalet for a weekend all at once.It does involve ghosts, an inheritance, and several puzzles. The Division of Hallway Wandering, directed by Michael K, has been strolling down Hallway 99-99-98. It is apparently our shortest hallway that they know of and they just think that’s neat. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, stacked 13 pigs like Lincoln Logs. Lincoln Hogs. I think it works. The Division of Suspiciously Specific Charitable Donations, directed by Hemlock Yew, has discovered Geraldine Hinge made a contribution of 69 dollars to her local food bank. We’re thinking she lost a bet. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be dark. Try learning to noodle catfish to take your mind off of things.