11 – Heartbeats
In which the broadcast comes to you from a Kakophany Audio Wireless Tube Speaker set, the broadcast experiences some strange technical difficulties, the celebration of self love is recapped, preparations are made for Evil Con 2014, Kara and Billy’s relationship becomes more depressing, and Andrew Geraldson wins the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.
What you are about to hear has not been approved for any audiences.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Did you miss me? I missed you. Seriously. I did. It can get kind of lonely for an evil megacorporation CEO. This is one of the few opportunities I get to really connect with other people out there without having to simultaneously belittle them and flex the swollen muscles of my impressive status. During these broadcasts, you and I are equals, and I mean that in the truest sense. For example, I have a voice, and can tell you opinions that you are possibly required to believe yourself, or to have always believed. I must admit that the wording in the shareholder contract is a bit ambiguous in this case. If you have something to tell me, there are channels for you to do so. There are also channels for me to completely ignore you and suffer no ill consequences. See? We’re equals. And I really do care about you.
I must remind all of you out there that this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. This includes standard, certified shareholders; anyone bearing a Kakos Industries logo in tattoo form; anyone who has received one of the rare, collector’s edition prints of my business card indicating ownership of stock; anyone who has been inoculated against our proprietary Plague Guts virus; and anyone who has touched Grace Rule, or touched someone who has touched Grace Rule, the contracts master here at Kakos Industries. Grace Rule has really strong hands. You know, in a motherly way. In a slimy, caustic, motherly way. If you’re not certain about whether she’s touched you, or if you’ve touched anyone she has touched, then you should ask yourself if you feel “burny” anywhere. It’ll be really obvious.
At any rate, if you have received one of this week’s radios, then you are probably a shareholder. If you are not, then I apologize for the confusion, and also for your sudden and traumatic loss. If you don’t know what it is yet, then keep your phone nearby and fully charged. It’s going to be a long winter. This brings me to this week’s radio. This week, you are hearing the broadcast coming from a Kakophany Audio Wireless Tube Speaker set. Kakophany is a company after our own hearts, which is how we were able to purchase them with hearts. Their radios combine the classic warmth of tube amplification that you might have come to expect from an Audiophile Plus Plus unit, with an extremely low quality and lossy sound file being transmitted from nearby. This gives you the opportunity to listen to your favorite music from CDs you may have ripped ten years ago in a whole new way. Hear that majestic low bit rate transmitted through the air by a protocol not originally intended for sound and then amplified by a stream of high powered cascading electrons. Yes, that is the sound of not really knowing what you’re talking about. Don’t worry, we’ve taken care of the transmitter for you. It may or may not be near you, and it may or may not include a high level of radioactivity. Again, please do not worry. If radiation is an issue for you, I can assure you that this particular kind of radiation is, at the very least, more interesting than others.
Shareholders, I have been informed that we are having some difficulties with today’s broadcast. It seems that we’ve been encountering a little bit of distortion and static, and it is not entirely caused by the incredibly low bit rate of the transmitter. Our technology here in the studio where I do these broadcasts is much, much more than adequate with sample resolutions of 128 bits per sample, and a sampling speed of 96 megahertz. Let me just say that we have a wide range of ears and ear-like orifices that we have to cater to, but even so, this is way overkill. When I was preparing for my first broadcast, I told the lead engineer, Soundman Steven, that the budget for the project was whatever he wanted it to be, and he proceeded to develop what appeared to be an uncannily firm erection through his cut off khaki dungarees. He also let out a deep “Ohhhh” sound. Soundman Steven is now signalling to me. He is indicating to me from the booth that he is still rock hard. You might be asking yourself why we would allow one of our employees to have that kind of job satisfaction, and the simple answer is that he makes his coworkers really uncomfortable. I understand it’s a matter of when you accidentally bump into his reproductive organs, not if. Despite all of this technology, it seems that we are having technical difficulties on our end before the extraordinarily high resolution is discarded in the name of evil.
Anyway, getting back to where I was before-
Woman’s voice: (through static) Corin, Corin. (The static dies off)
Umm… I’m not sure what that was. I’ll apply the standard Kakos Industries reasoning and say that thinking about it for too long is probably a bad thing. You know what we say around here: “Looking back is a short hop, skip, and straight-jacketed drag to section 76.” And before I get a bunch of letters, I’ll just say for the record now that we call it section 76 because sections 1 through 75 are full. It’s not a code. It’s just rooms and room and rooms filled with deranged employees.
What was I talking about again? I’ve gone a little bit off-script. Oh, right. The recap. We recently had the celebration of self love. It was a good one. I always enjoy watching particularly high-strung employees sort of… even out for a couple of days. It’s also enjoyable to watch the particularly strange employees, and I am fully aware of where I work when I say that, come into work in a sort of haze of shame, with an expression on their faces as though they may have finally gone too far, and done something for which they can never forgive themselves. It is an enlightening time here at Kakos Industries. The festival culminated in the Bukakos, and this year, the face in the mosaic tiles on the ballroom floor was Karen Smoo, who made a last minute bid several times larger than the one preceding it, and who is generally regarded as one of the least appealing shareholders in Kakos Industries. Karen, I know you’re listening, but it’s nothing you didn’t already know. Regardless of Karen’s particular physical abnormalities, the tiling process removes much of the detail from one’s visage, making the Bukakos a touch pixelated, and in this case, much more palatable. We unzipped, and fwippped, and flapped, and fapped, and squirched, and squelched, and mercilessly schlicked until there wasn’t a single tile left unobscured beneath out feet. As we all slumped back in our chairs and prepared for the inevitable sleepiness that would set in after such an effort, a small rocket was launched into space filled with all kinds of cells and small organisms from Earth. What is the Bukakos without a little bit of panspermia?
Woman’s Voice: (through static) Asshole, asshole. (static dies down).
There is that sound again. “1, 2, 3, 4, now I can’t remember anymore.” Oh. Now I see what those employees meant when they said “that doesn’t actually work.” Hmmm… Let’s continue.
Next week marks the beginning of Evil Con 2014. I bet that you are all really excited for that. Hundreds of thousands of people attempt to sign up for Evil Con every year, and we only let an arbitrary number of you do so. In addition to only allowing a small number of you to attend, we also randomly decide who gets to go. We have worked out special deals with hotels all over the area to actually raise their prices higher than they think the market can bear, just so that this event can be the most memorable and expensive thing that our guests have ever done. We have a number of excellent panels scheduled featuring leading voices in the world of evil, including a number of entertainment professionals. We expect the lines this year will be even longer than last year’s, and that ensuring a space in one of our panel rooms may require you to spend a night or two waiting. We know that our shareholders and the fans of our business have money. But money doesn’t quite cut it for these events. How can we know that you are truly worthy of us unless you are willing to pay in that one most simple and basic unit of your life — time? We don’t want cash, we want your heartbeats. Last year, we had more than 10,000 people wait in line more than 12 hours to spend a mere 90 minutes with our 6 celebrity panelists, making each hour of being a celebrity 13,333 times more valuable than being one of you adorable plebeians. In addition to panels, we will also have a number of vendors selling evil merchandise, official and unofficial likenesses of evil characters, and original evil artwork, as well as a multitude of fans dressed as their favorite entity of evil. I am excited to see all of you in San Diego.
I have news about Billy and Kara. If you’ve forgotten, Billy and Kara are two young, bright, and sexually exciting employees here at Kakos Industries that we have manipulated in several ways to be a really cute couple that perks all of us up. We watched them when they had their first kiss, and we watched them have their first kiss again when we decided that the first one wasn’t good enough and warranted memory manipulation. We watched them look longingly into each other’s eyes over candlelit dinners, and we watched them breathe heavily as the passion of their love life took over. We watched them spend hours not really doing anything at all with the validation that at least they’re not alone. Recently, we watched them move in together. The apartment is okay. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s homey, you know? We have watched Kara visually appraise Billy as not only breeding stock, but the potential co-rearer of her future brood. We have watched Billy lose himself staring into the window of jewelry stores, simultaneously filled with matrimonial instinct and lust for the busty woman behind the counter. We have watched their responses when asked about the other turn from exciting to loving, then to respectful, then to a good chance to complain about that bullshit that’s really been getting on their nerves. We have watched them ask themselves, “Is this what love is?” We have seen them gather advice from their parents about what to do, only walking away with more doubt. We have watched their time together become more serious, and we have watched them grow to expect things from one another, where thanks should be given. We have watched them become something that does not make us feel the joy that it once did. We here in the Kakos Industries management have been having mixed feelings ourselves. We’ve definitely built something up here, but how will we know if it might have worked out better differently? Can we really gamble all that we have to try again with different people? What if we never have even this much success again, and we’re left wondering about what could have been? I have the paperwork on my desk in my office that would have Billy transferred to another location, but I just can’t bring myself to sign it. It is not often that we bring this much evil onto ourselves, but, when we do, it gives us a reason to reflect.
I don’t know about you, but I could use a happier story after that last one. Luckily, the next story comes to us in the form of good news from the Division of Incredible Rocket Badassery, my favorite division. The scientists at the Division of Incredible Rocket Badassery write-
I’m sorry, that seems to be some of that interference I warned you about. They say-
Woman: Hello? Hello?
Corin: Hello? Who is this? You’re interrupting a very important broadcast.
Woman: Is this Boring? Boring Deeth?
Woman: Boring Deeth from Cock Impotencies?
Corin: Oh no.
Woman: I got you good, Corin.
Melantha: Who else?
Corin: Your voice changed again.
Melantha: Unlike you, Corin, I’m willing to change every fiber of my being to better serve
the cause of evil.
Corin: Shareholders, if you’re not aware, our unfortunate interrupter is Melantha
Murther, the CEO of .
Melantha Oh, Corin. Your pronunciation of the nether dialect was never any good. Your
should sound like . Emphasis on the
Corin: You are the worst.
Melantha: Oh, thank you.
Corin: I didn’t mean… Never mind. Is there any particular reason you have decided to
intrude on my broadcast? I have very important information that I need to disseminate.
Melantha: Oh, Corin, are we talking about spreading your seed again?
Corin: I have important information to SHARE. With the shareholders. In a non-sexual
Melantha: I see.
Corin: So what do you want?
Melantha: There’s nothing in particular. I just wanted to show you that I could interrupt
these broadcasts of yours any time that I wanted to.
Corin: Speaking of which, how did you do it?
Melantha: That’s a trade secret, I’m afraid.
Corin: I hate you.
Melantha: I know.
Corin: If you were here right now, I would kill you with my bare hands.
Corin: I would tear you up piece by piece,
Corin: I would dance on your entrails.
Corin: I would poke out your eyes,
Corin: AHHH! I WANT TO MAKE A HATE BABY WITH YOU.
Shareholders, it seems that our technicians have gotten to the bottom of the interruption. It seems that Melantha was actually in the room here with me the whole time. Let it never be said that she is not a quiet breather. She will be escorted off of the premises. Melantha, I will see you at the next industry collusion meeting. Now back to the Division of Incredible Rocket Badassery. You know what? I’m dismantling the Division of Incredible Rocket Badassery. So there. That will teach you to enter my mind when I am this angeroused.
We have another installment of Things We’re Taking Responsibility for Now. Remember that this segment is not Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. That is a different segment, and it is coming up soon enough. This segment is about taking responsibility for what outwardly might look like the actions of others, but was really our doing all along. We owe a big apology to Dana Millet, Kyle Floorman, Spencer Trask, and a reportedly sentient sex toy by the name of Buzzz. Our adultery ninjas have struck close to home for all of you. I won’t get into the graphic details, but we are responsible for the apparent sexual misadventures of your significant others. This week we’re doing a buy one get one free kind of thing, so you have all been given a coupon if you decide the time is right for our adultery ninjas to take you on your own sexual misadventures. In addition to the adultery I have just discussed, it seems that we also made a rather serious error when we were representing one of our clients in the fast food industry. Apparently, we sent a memo to all of their employees with tips on how to stretch their minimum wage, and also some tips on getting a second soul-sucking and menial job to help ends meet. What we thought were helpful tips came off as rude, ignorant, and just downright mean. For this and everything else we have taken responsibility for: Sorry. That’s our bad.
Just as a proctologist examining an ex-catholic is touching a prostrate apostate’s prostate, the exact origin or cause of evil can be difficult or, at the very least, uncomfortable to put your finger on. If you haven’t guessed, it’s time for Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Isn’t it possible that this section and the one just previous might get muddled and/or garbled if we stick them this close together? Of course. It’s kind of the point. Don’t forget who we are. If you’re still stuck suffering from that weird confusion that’s been going around, this is the segment where we take credit for something evil we probably did. As I have always said, we can’t know for sure, but do we ever really know anything? Try not to think about that too long. This week, we’re taking credit for Paris Syndrome, Fan Death, and The Evil Eye. If you happen to disagree with anything we have taken credit for now, then I would recommend you keep away from the city of Paris, fans of all kinds, and people with eyes.
The winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing is Andrew Geraldson. As a result, his life-long enemy will have his life ruined. Andrew selected Barry Barry Barry as his enemy. At first, we thought it was a joke, and we were prepared to have Andrew’s sense of humor removed. But, we presented the name to the Wheel of Misery, and it decided to spin. We’re not sure if Andrew Geraldson actually knows anyone named Barry Barry Barry or if he just narrowly dodged a bullet to the lower frontal lobes, but there is someone out there by that name. The Wheel of Misery landed at “Really Thick Hair.” From this time on, Barry Barry Barry will have only a few follicles on his entire body, and each will grow an enormous strand of hair several feet long and several inches thick, and with a mind and ability to move all its own. Barry Barry Barry may die of laughter when his strands of hair decide to tickle him without mercy. Also, for good measure, Andrew Geraldson will now have a really annoying laugh. We find that somewhat satisfying. Best of luck to you both.
And this brings us to the end of the broadcast. You may now destroy your Kakophany Audio Wireless Tube Speaker set. If you choose not to, then the speakers will periodically play heavily distorted BroStep music, and this may continue years after everyone has forgotten what the hell BroStep was. Next are the numbers.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who has never technically been arrested. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered purchasing a loom?