102 – Halloween IV
in which it’s MFing Halloween, you feel like falling in love, Corin follows a trail of clues, Angus follows his nose, and Violet Trudge single handedly keeps everything afloat, and JV “wins” The Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better. Transcription:
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Intro: What you are about to hear is a bag of change being thrown about in a parking garage.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help to make everything that is Evil more Evil and better Evil. Except, of course, Halloween. It’s already perfect as is. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. Yes, shareholders, it has been a tradition for some time now for me to do these announcements a whole day early and bring those of you who aren’t present at our Halloween festivities into the party via your shareholder radios. I can tell you, shareholders, the party outside is amazing. People are getting loose. The costumes are exquisite as always. There is a feeling in the air that there is someone here tonight that is strange in all the ways you need them to be, beautiful in all of the ways that matter, and interesting in all of the other ways, and that they just might be looking for you as well. For some of you, the person that matches that feeling came with you, or is somewhere nearby, or perhaps nearby in your thoughts. For others, that person is currently a stranger, but hopefully by the end of the night an acquaintance, a close friend, or merely someone to stalk on social media in the dark hours. While I would like to say that this feeling comes from the perfectly constructed halloween sets, the awe-inspiring decorations, the food and beverage, and the audio-visual displays, it is actually caused by a new mist we’ve covered every aspect of the party with. When we asked ourselves what made the perfect Halloween, that butterflies in the stomach excitement came in as a high priority. And so it was manufactured. But do not believe that this is somehow fake or cheap. It is very much a real feeling you are experiencing, just amplified. As always, the various lawns around Kakos Industries are decorated in different themes, giving everyone what they want. The Basement Ballroom has also been turned into a labyrinth. I would suggest doing that as your last activity tonight because you may not find your way out until we deconstruct it sometime in the next few days. None of the testers have made it out of the other end yet, and they started yesterday.
I will give you more information about the party so that you might better visualize it, or perhaps just so you can decide where else to focus your attention if you’re already here, but now I should mention how you’re hearing these announcements. The radio is “a ghost that’s floating around you”. That doesn’t make sense. A ghost? There are no ghosts. If there were ghosts, we would know. We’d be making them by the thousands. There would be banshees of every variety haunting every square foot of Kakos Industries. Well, it says a ghost. I’ll continue reading. “Who knows what the ghost came from. Are you tripping? Probably. Did I actually say ghost, and not something way more plausible and your high brain just got it mixed up? No. That’s not how drugs work.” I feel like that’s supposed to spook you, shareholders. There’s a diagram here. It’s a ball with a sheet on it and some sort of propulsion inside. Mystery solved. It also says not to touch it. It could be radioactive. And if you’re not a shareholder, and you’re somehow listening to this, then you may be turned into a ghost. Better become a shareholder fast. That usually means doing something Evil, if you don’t know.
I was doing a bit more of that wandering that I have been doing. You know, where I just roam the halls of Kakos Industries in the middle of the night looking for any clues I can find that might relate to the Tabithas. Well, I did find them again. They were waiting for me. This time with masks on and formal wear. A man leaned in toward me and sprayed me in the face from the flower on his lapel. It had some sort of knock-out gas in it. When I awoke, I had before me another safe needing a numerical code. It’s eight digits. There were also four clues in an envelope, each marked with 1-4 to indicate the order they go into the safe. I assume. I’m basing that on nothing other than intuition and years of video games. So on my way back to my office with the safe, I encountered Angus Lachlan, renowned hunter of the good, and of Evil monsters.
Angus: Catch and release for monsters, Corin. Can’t be taking Evil out of the world.
Corin: Right. Anyway, I ran into Angus, who insisted on helping.
Angus: I’ve got a nose for clues, Corin. For example, those clues you’ve got in your hands there are giving me a rich truffle aroma, mixed with a bit of star anise, castoreum, and the unmistakable damp earthiness of a billabong.
Corin: I offered to show Angus the clues…
Angus: No need, Corin. I’ve got all I need right here. (sniffing sound). I’m on the case.
Corin: I really don’t need you to do that.
Angus: Consider your problem solves, Corin.
Angus: I’m getting a strong waft, Corin. Keep your walkie handy. I’ll have this solved by the end of Halloween.
Corin: I… um, bye. Wait. (calling out) Why do you have a gun?
So anyway, the first clue. “Your answer lies where it becomes as dark as it can become. Well this one seems obvious. Shareholders, if you don’t mind, I’m going to take a moment to look deep within myself. This is obviously the darkest place in Kakos Industries. Here we go.
Well, I didn’t find any numbers. Just silence, like always. Okay, plan B, I just need to think of where else it could be. Oh, I know, The Division of Deep Dank Darkness. They have no light inside of their offices. It’s like the Festival of Darkness, but every day. Without the animals. Or the disappearances. I’ll just give them a quick call…
Corin: Hi. This is Corin Deeth III. Who am I speaking to?
Violet: I don’t have time for this. My name is Violet Trudge.
Corin: Wait, I think I’ve heard about you. You’re–
Violet: The hardest working woman at Kakos Industries. The hardest working person of any variety. Hardest working living thing. There are also several machines in the building that I work harder than. Factory equipment, mostly.
Corin: Right. I think Human Resources (the one that provides resources to humans rather than harvesting resources from humans) has been trying to get in touch with you about your pay stubs.
Violet: I haven’t been paid in eight years because I would have to clock out to be paid.
Corin: You don’t go home? Where do you sleep?
Violet: Sleep is an addiction. It only takes two weeks to break yourself of the habit, and then you’re free. I can just keep going. And I have to. Because all of you are partying on Halloween, I have to hold down the fort. There is so much to be done and it all falls to me.
Corin: Why don’t you join the party?
Violet: Every minute I spend talking to you is an experiment spoiled or a test subject dead. Can we get to the point?
Corin: Do you by any chance have a clue for me?
Violet: It’s the Division of Deep Dank Darkness. I can’t see anything, Mr. Deeth. Wait, no, I just brushed up against a sticky note.
Corin: Can you read it?
Corin: Okay, I know it’s dark. Can you take it outside and read it?
Violet: No. Hold on. Shut up. I can read the indentations with my fingers. It’s a skill everyone can learn if they just work a little harder. It appears to be 06.
Violet: I can also do a handwriting analysis. The person is attempting to be seen as more confident than they are. Possibly a feminine hand. A well moisturized one. And they’ve probably got one of those small noses that always look like they’re smelling something bad.
Corin: That’s plenty, thank you. I’ll make a note of those numbers. And I’ll let you get back to work.
Violet: Thank you. Oh! Something just fucking sparked in here. I’m going to have to START OVER.
We recently had the Celebration of Books. As I teased last time, we brought out a number of great new books from writers here at Kakos Industries. That is, in addition to opening up our archives. We had a brand new Cook Book titled Cooking the Books: How to Hide Your Suspicious Earnings in Your Diet, written by our very own Reza Mouthfeel. We also had The Madness Numbers, a new mathematical text from Niles Umeral, covering the topic of meaningless numbers and mathematical phenomena that have driven people mad in the past. I cracked the cover on a copy and it didn’t do much for me, though I could see some people in line for the signing already beginning to sweat and look nervously over their shoulders. There was also a book called 69 Rules for Life: 69 NICE ways to get your life back on track. Step one has something to do with making your bed. Step two has something to do with jerking off onto your bed while thing about being stepped on by Evil. There was also a book about vampire werewolf alien witches, and their sex lives. Because of course there was. We all know where we are. We sold a lot of books, drove a few unfortunate souls mad, corrupted the young adults, and had a great time.
Preparations for the Festival of Anti-Celebration and Black Friday are underway.I understand that there is a new group here at Kakos Industries that believe they can cultivate an aura of anti-celebration that neutralizes any holiday spirit around them. I also have the states intentions for our Black Friday celebration. The slip of paper simply says “money dick. Get that money dick.”
If you’re listening to these announcements at our Halloween party, then I wanted to let you know the next performance of the Cirque NoirMega circus troupe is beginning in approximately five minutes. I was able to view an earlier showing and this is not a performance to be missed. The performers are covered in a paint that absorbs as much light as currently possible using any known technique. They are invisible in the infrared spectrum, and difficult to see with the naked eye. They perform against a number of intricate and detailed backdrops that seem to transform when their bodies cover different sections, and using several performers they can create these breathtaking animations.
Angus: Alright, Corin, I’ve followed my nose and I’ve found myself someplace incredibly dark. I have not yet found the piece of the combination you’re looking for. I am also not sure how I got here. Is it possible, Corin, that I might be inside of my own blackout right now?
Corin: I don’t know. I don’t think so. And that’s okay, Angus, I’ve got the first piece already. We’re onto the next one now. “A place where it’s extremely windy.” Let’s see…
Angus: I. am. on. it. Over.
Corin: No wait! Oh well. Let’s try the Division of Breezes, Gusts, High Winds, and Zeitgeists.
Violet: If we’re on a first name basis.
Corin: What are you doing at the Division of Breezes, Gusts, High Winds, and Zeitgeists.
Violet: Working. Unlike some people. I have to continue this test about whether or not blowing lustful lovers around in a huge chamber is Evil. Like a metaphor for their passions taking them away. So far, just mean, not Evil. The winds are beginning to take off layers of skin, so we might be getting somewhere.
Corin: So you’re– never mind. Is there another sticky note there?
Violet: If there were, it would get blown away, wouldn’t it? No, wait, here it is. 09.
Corin: Awesome. Thank you, Violet.
Violet: Based on the curvature of the numerals, the person that wrote this is most definitely a fuckboy. Or a fuckgirl. Is that a thing?
Corin: I don’t need the handwriting analysis, but thank you. I’ll let you get back to your experiment.
Violet: Oh, I think one of them might be dead. Now I’m going to have to watch the footage back to find the exact time.
We checked in on Hell to see how the workers and overseers were celebrating the holiday. I am told everyone is in spooky costumes and there is unsettling music playing throughout, but the workers are all still being forced to break rocks for no reason. And by that, I mean that the rocks don’t serve any purpose other than being a difficult thing to mine, break, and move. There are certainly interesting minerals in the cavern, but the workers are instructed specifically to stay away from anywhere that has anything of value. While they might not be digging up any gemstones, ores, or anything else useful, they are mining incredible amounts of Evil.
I am told that Gray, that particularly striking individual formerly of the Damnation and Ruination Squad, is somewhere at the party, but I am also told that they are wearing a costume that will completely hide their identity. Kimzzzzzzzzzz has made “trying to discover who’s under all that costume” one of the least sexy things imaginable, and as a result, many of our party-goers have been avoiding the subject altogether. This has led those that are particularly proud of their costuming accomplishments to repeatedly disclose their identities because otherwise no one will ask. It seems a little desperate, but there are no other options.
I consulted with The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To on this combination lock in front of me, but they were no help once again. They did suggest that the solution might have something to do with Shakespeare collections and the volume numbers. I don’t know what that means, but I guess I’ll keep that in mind.
When I was searching through the building this last go round looking for the Tabithas, I found a series of rooms that are all so identical and attached to one another that the experience of walking from one room to another is like walking back into the same room you were just in, but with all of the chairs and tables put back where they were. That is of course, if you move them around, which I did as a test. Eventually the rooms did end, but they took me to a room filled with life-size clay figurines in the dark. I noped right out. I am not about that life. What if they start moving. What if they bury me. I have no idea what experiments could be running. Anyway, I’m having a team do something about it.
The Dana Govern babies have been growing healthily, hitting all of their early milestones. Junior has been teaching them to play with the toys we got them. They’re too young to understand fully, but I think they like the attention. It’s kind of adorable.
If you’re listening to this broadcast from the festivities, then I am supposed to announce that the major science fiction franchise fan brawl is about to take place on the Battle Lawn. It says here that you will know if your costume qualifies you for said brawl.
Angus: Corin, I’ve found a really windy place. I’ve climbed to the highest peak on the mountain lawn.
Corin: The what? Where is that?
Angus: I will draw you a map sometime. It’s pretty up here. Very windy. No combination numbers, though.
Corin: We took care of that one already. We’re onto the next one. We’re looking for a place that is extremely wet.
Angus: Ooh. I am on it. Aww yeah. Angus out.
Corin: No, wait!
There could be so many places that are wet. Basically anywhere. Oh, right, The Division of Fluid Dynamics and General Wetness. That’s probably the one.
Corin: How are you everywhere?
Violet: I’m not. I’m just working, Corin. You would understand if you ever tried it. I’m working even as we’re talking right now. How many things are you doing?
Corin: Well, I’m talking to the shareholders and looking for clues to a puzzle. Also digesting a burrito if that counts.
Violet: Pathetic. I’m keeping track of six studies in the Division of Fluid Dynamics and General Wetness. These experiments are vital, and there’s no one here to do anything with them. I’m also reading a book to better myself, watching a movie, and I’m archiving ancient texts.
Corin: Is there another sticky note?
Violet: My hands are soaking wet, Corin.
Corin: What does that mean for the ancient texts?
Violet: Well, I’m obviously wearing gloves.
Violet: There is another sticky note. 19.
Corin: Cool. Thank you!
Violet: I’ve got to get back to work. Works, really. So many works. It’s fucking impressive.
Corin: Yeah. You do that.
Those of you here at the celebration have been enjoying our many punches featuring many interesting and unique intoxicants. When combined in the right proportion, they produce an amazingly liberating feeling. They help to make Halloween that much better. Well, I am supposed to tell you that now all of the punches have been swapped out with round two. Everything is a little different, and will require a slightly different calibration to maintain that perfect state of fucked-up-ness. Please be careful.
Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen have been super awkward around each other since seemingly blurting out their mutual sexual feelings. Dunk has been conference calling in to do his work. Jasmine keeps snapping a rubber band around her wrist. I assume it has something to do with the feelings of embarrassment. Their new plan to figure out What is Most Sex is apparently to have random employees go on dates with one another under their supervision Jasmine in person and Dunk teleconferencing in, but none of the dates have yet resulted in sex. Except for one, and they both agreed that wasn’t it. Dr. Dunkelwissen seems to be working on something new in his lab to diversify his time and interests. Jasmine has been going to way more Cult of Ohh Ahh meetings in her free time.
I am also instructed to tell you that Denny is enjoying Halloween very much. Or not at all.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been doing their Evil around Kakos Industries and the rest of the world while wearing candy corn chainmail recently. I am told that they look very sticky and uncomfortable, but that has never stopped them before.
They say that Evil once rented a helicopter just to drop money on huge crowds to watch them fight over it. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for jumpscares, that creeping suspicion something is right behind you, and fear itself. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we caused these things, but we are confident that we did. If you disagree with us, well, then, you have just earned yourself a whole lot more to be afraid of.
JV has won the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of JV’s chosen nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is Mistress Mayhem, Bringer of Unholy Light. We spun the Wheel of Misery with 176 Newtons of force and the wheel arrived at the space for Unaccommodating. From this day forward, Mistress Mayhem, Bringer of Unholy Light will be 200% less accommodating. Based on the name, we can assume that Mistress Mayhem did not start out all that accommodating, but now things are just worse. Every little inconvenience will just make Mistress Mayhem furious, and there will be no changes to plans made. For Evil measure, JV will be a little more accommodating. Sometimes, you really should stand your ground, though. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
Angus: Corin, I’ve found some place extremely wet. No hints yet, but I’m confident I’ll find something soon.
Corin: We got that one, Angus.
Angus: Dammit. I really thought I’d get this one. Well, that’s okay, Corin. What’s the next clue?
Corin: Some place extremely hot.
Angus: Wait a second, Corin. I’m already there. (whispering) I’m with someone. I don’t see any numbers yet, but I will keep you posted.
Corin: Have a nice evening, Angus.
Corin: Alright, let’s call the Division of It’s Getting Hot, the Division responsible for preparing Kakos Industries for climate change, and also for hot house beats.
Violet: We’ve been over this. I’m covering for everyone at the party.
Corin: Everyone? That’s thousands of people and hundreds of divisions.
Violet: Did you need something? Corin, I’m here saving animals from the ravages of habitat destruction, you know, so we can still eat them in the future and we won’t forget what they tasted like. I’m also writing a paper on cosmic background radiation. And I’m meal prepping. I can never get away to have a meal break.
Corin: Is there a note?
Violet: No. Let me get back to what I was doing, please.
VIolet: How long was I out?
Violet: How long was I out?
Corin: I don’t know, a few seconds.
Violet: Okay. That should be good enough for a few more days. I’ve been micro-dosing rest.
Corin: Take it easy, Violet.
Corin: Well shit. Where is that note? Suppose I can brute force two digits without much trouble.
Angus: I believe I have a lead for you, Corin. I finished up with my friend, and then I smelled something burning. I followed my nose, and found myself here. It’s the crash test lawn, Corin. It’s on fire. In the shape of the number 85. I’m going to go closer to look for other clues.
Corin: No need, angus. That’s the number.
Corin: There’s a tape. We’re all done, Angus.
Angus: Corin, I’m still going to go look. I do love a good fire.
Corin: Enjoy yourself, Angus.
Soundman. If you would do the honors. Just play the damn tape. I don’t have time for this.
Junior: It’s so big out here, father.
Corin I: We’re outside, sport.
Junior: It’s so much bigger than the building.
Corin: There’s a whole planet out here.
Junior: Why are we outside? Is it okay for me to be out here?
Corin: Well, that’s just the thing, sport. Tonight is Halloween. Everyone wears a costume. Everyone wants to be scared. That’s why Grace made you that costume. The Tai Chi–
Junior: Kung Fu Chameleon.
Corin: Right. It’s such a cool costume, you know.
Junior: I love the Kung Fu Chameleons. They’re the number one cartoon on Saturday mornings. They come from Japan, even though Kung Fu is actually chinese.
Corin: How about that. So, when we get to the door, you open the bag, and what do you say?
Junior: Trick or treat.
Corin: Great. Just like that.
Junior: I’m scared.
Corin: Of what?
Junior: The people. What if they get scared by me?
Corin: They won’t be scared. Not tonight. Let’s try that house over there. I bet they give full sized candy bars. How does that sound?
Junior: Okay! I’m happy to be out here with you, father.
(end tape noises)
Corin: Well… I need to make a phone call.
Melantha: Hello, you have reached the answering machine for Melantha Murther, the sexiest woman alive, and the most Evil CEO there is. I’m sorry you haven’t reached me. It’s just that I’m out doing something amazing and you’re here just trying to get my attention. That means I win. Game, Melantha. Well, leave a message if you must. I’ll get to it when I have time.
Corin: Hey, Melantha. It’s Corin. Um… Never mind.
Well that brings us to the end of our broadcast shareholders. There’s plenty more Halloween out there. And if this isn’t enough, bring a little Halloween with you into the coming weeks. Until next time, shareholders. The ghost should fly away, if it hasn’t fallen from the air to the ground at your feet. If that happens, set it outside. We’ll come get it.The numbers are next.
Credits: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer the ninth person you’ll think about before bed tonight. Special guest appearance in this episode by Kitt Keller. That’s k-i-t-t like the car from Knight Rider. You can find more from her on Twitter @TheKittKeller, Adam Miszuk, and Rebecca Ryan. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Leah Tedesco, Jack Attack, and A. Rupert. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who caught the misspelling that would have cost The Division of Chits a lot of money and time, Chax Richter, who organized the game night when things were getting tense, and Chris Leclerc, who removed all of the bullets from the miniguns before the drugs took hold. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, Danniel R Smith, head of the Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases,Lillian Bit, Director of the Division of Fishticism, and Hayley L, Director of the Division of Very Specific Boxes. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn completed their knit circus, complete with rides, attractions, performances, and games. The death toll is hanging around 97. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has written a text about these microbial auras. They come in a variety of colors, but none of them are blue. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has revived a seemingly unique tape machine that was used to create infinite loops of screams of terror. We understand that these tapes decay over time, creating a haunting effect. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases has started to schedule the entire office’s kegels. If everyone clenches at the same time, it creates waves of efficiency throughout the building. The Division of Fishticism has been looking at the cyan aquarium for days now. They have been muttering to themselves about the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, but they seem to be uncertain as of yet what has changed. The Division of Very Specific Boxes has developed a box that will allow the simple storage of that cool stick you saw on your walk the other day. No other sticks. Just that one. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try listening to new music. Then go back to the old music if you don’t like it.