100 – Parentage
in which Corin finds a key, Grace carries a bunch of babies, Junior learns something about himself, Dana Govern blows everyone’s minds, Hell is back to work, and Governmentality “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
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What you are about to hear is, like, your buddy just telling you about their day.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we make everything a little darker, a little nastier, a little meaner, and a lot more Evil. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. It’s kind of comforting, isn’t it? The nearly identical words reminding you of our simple, solitary goal. We always change, but we never really change, do we? All we know is that things are simply better when they are more Evil, and Evil can always be done better. That journey is also comforting. While I hope someday we will find ourselves in the darkest Universe, even then, there has to be an even darker Universe, does there not? Evil can always be done better, and so we shall. While I am certain that today is a hundred different anniversaries, all I want to say is thank you, shareholders. Thank you for all that you have done, for all of the support as I took over the company after my grandfather’s passing, and thank you for being here now. Of course, you have no choice. I recognize this. You are shareholders. That comes with responsibilities that cannot be ignored. All the same, thank you. I would rather have gone on this journey with no one else. A toast, or perhaps just a thought, for where we have been, and where we have yet to go.
Today’s announcements are coming to you from a bag full of vibrating crystals that look like sand. Each of these crystals are tuned to specific frequencies that we are using to transmit you this message, and then when they are hit by those frequencies, they begin to vibrate, making the sounds that you are hearing. Somehow, thousands of crystals vibrating in a bag we repurposed from a bottle of brandy or something like that does not sound like mud, but instead like the warm and clear voice of Corin Deeth III. This bag came in through your incoming projectiles window, and as you were instructed, you opened it up to listen to the sounds coming from within. DO not get too close to these tiny crystals. Each one is razor sharp in at least three directions. They come from a collaboration between Feeney’s Sand and our Division of Sharp Noises. Feeney’s sand is not ordinarily known for its audio products, but instead for bringing sand to heavily trafficked beaches or to construction sites. All the same, they know a good deal when they saw one. I should say that his broadcast is only for those who are currently shareholders of Kakos Industries. Anyone else who may be holding or at ear level with a bag of vibrating crystals should be very careful not to breathe. These crystals can be quite a nuisance when inhaled. For Kakos Industries shareholders, these crystals are actually the cure for something else we did to you, so they shouldn’t hurt you too badly. If you feel that your lungs are starting to become damaged, then I would suggest doing something Evil quickly. There’s a chance we might be honor bound to save you if you’re Evil enough.
We recently had the CEO Festival of the Dance. It was outstanding as always, but it hardly seems worth mentioning any of the competitors except for one. That would be Dana Govern. Dana Govern was given an extra dose of every gene modification we have come up with here at Kakos Industries. Some of them make people into human fireballs. Others make people super athletes. Others turn limbs into tentacles, or create new tentacles. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t just a whole lot of tentacles in there. Some of them make people stretchy. Others create hungers of all varieties. Others still we’re not sure about. We know that they do something, but what they do is unclear. And we gave them all to Dana. We expected her to melt or turn into a hideous monster, or explode, or something equally as spectacular. We would have all enjoyed the show, watched it in reruns, and moved on with our lives. But instead, she walked away perfectly fine. She has been perfectly fine since. It has been a strange concern for us ever since. When will she blow? Will we miss it? Will it be sick as shit? But she did nothing of the sort. She continued at her job. She was promoted several times. Junior found her strangely interesting. And she somehow got to be really great at breakdancing. Then there was the CEO festival of the dance. I watched as so many of you lampooned and satirized so many aspects of my personality in dance form. And then, there was Dana. Her gyrations and spins were out of this world. Unique and amazing stuff. She swung her hair, she did flips, she became a human tornado at times. And then the strobe light started. In those frozen frames of Dana’s movement, we could see something that we could not see before. A long green limb here. A tentacle there. Another head. Wings. They combined to make this cascading rainbow of body parts. These parts of her, visible for only a fraction of a second, formed beautiful swirling plumages behind her persistent human form. She moved and they followed, leaving trails of bright and disconcerting appendages. At times, her face contorted into ghoulish expressions that humans are simply incapable of. In brief flashes we saw wings, and then wings grew atop those wings, and then more wings. Dragon wings. Eagle wings. Raven wings. Peacock wings. Then it seemed that she was everywhere at once, in eight places around the dance floor. Then sixteen. She was moving so quickly. And then, the song came to an end. As the last beat hit, the strobe stopped and we all heard the universal sound of a human exploding. When the lights came up again, there were seven babies, all slightly different colors, ranging from mustard yellow to lilac. We have no idea where Dana was keeping those babies, or how they came to be, but there they were. At seemingly the same time, Grace Rule and Junior moved down to the dance floor to attend to the children. Something changed in Junior at that moment. His curmudgeonliness subsided and he showed a genuine care for these small creatures. Grace allowed him to carry two of the infants behind her as she walked away from the festivities. That left five babies for Grace to carry. I swear, if they made a web series just about Grace carrying things, it would have millions of subscribers. You would look at her, and then the thing she’s about to carry, and you would think to yourself, there’s no way she’s going to be able to carry all of that, and then boom, you’re wrong. Five infants, all held securely. But I’m digressing. I spoke afterward with Junior about the babies, and he told me that he didn’t know how, but he knew he was their closest relative. He felt responsible for them. I wouldn’t understand that for a while. But I’ll come back to that. He is not their primary caretaker. I think he believes that he cannot take that role. But I have seen something in him that I don’t think I’ve seen before. Some sort of purpose. But, just to let me know that nothing has changed, he opened my office door just to fart into my office the other day, and oh my Evil was it heinous. Grace will be the primary caretaker of these little ones, but it seems that she has a group of equally strange people helping her. I have laid out the rules that none of these infants are to be allowed into any sort of time dilation chambers, and that they must grow up at a normal pace relative to the rest of us. I don’t need any more usurpations happening. And technically, because Dana won the dance off, one of these children came in fourth. We will give them some time to develop before we decide which one is most likely to survive a roller coaster test at the Mega Thrillz theme park in Christhole Texas.
We have the Festival of Somnambulation coming up again. I don’t even have to tease it. You’ll be there and you will not remember it. You won’t do anything that you wouldn’t ordinarily do, but realistically, what wouldn’t you ordinarily do? And then some time later we will have the Festival of Fertility, even though it feels like we just had it on the dance floor. If you’re looking to test out a more restrained quantity of Evil genes in your offspring, come on down.
I checked on Hell about a week ago. Meredith has some new workers. We were holding off on sending people down there until we could reestablish the labor camp. Some of the new workers appear to be monsters too. I guess they’ve sent some from the nearby communities as some sort of tribute. It is great fun watching the human laborers meet these monster laborers that alter and re-mix human characteristics into just terrifying forms. And then they come to see them as friends. Working under Meredith are a number of Kakos Industries employees, but also some other monsters. We are unaware of the agreement that they have made, but it seems that Meredith keeps them all in line. Because of that sweet fucking monster arm. It is nice to have some things back to normal.
I found myself wandering again. Late at night in the building. It’s strange. When you start to get a feeling for where the secret pathways are, you start to understand them and you can predict them. It also helps having unrestricted access to everywhere in the building. But I have found a lot of interesting things. A statue garden that is the stuff of nightmares. A bathroom that I don’t believe has ever been used before. I mean, before I got there. I had been walking for a long time and I had to go. I also found a shrine dedicated to Pomlegod. I don’t know what Pomlegod is. I left it alone. And then I was exploring one of the training classrooms looking for a crease in the wall when a bag was thrown over my head and I was dragged away by several incredibly strong individuals. They spun me around so many times I couldn’t tell what direction we were headed. They dumped my on the floor in a tiled room and removed the bag from my head. I could see it was one of our standard meeting spaces, but I couldn’t tell which one just by the arrangement of the furniture. Sitting around me in classroom chairs were most, if not all of the Tabithas. I told them I had been looking for them. None of them spoke. As I got my bearings, I could see that they were all dressed the same way. White linen dress shirts. Black slacks. Tabitha, the more exotic looking one, handed me a key. Then she kissed me softly on the cheek. I wasn’t sure what to do, but the rest of the Tabithas knelt to kiss me softly on the cheek one after the other. Then they turned out the light and left, locking the door behind them. Using my new skillset, I did find a secret passage out. It dumped me back into one of our hallways. There I ran into Valerie Von Voof, one of the heads of the Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go To. She could see the outline of a key in my pocket and stopped me on the spot. I handed it to her. She closed her eyes and squeezed it. Then she sniffed it. Then she placed the tip of it on her tongue. Then she grabbed my hand and dragged me down the hallway. Into my office. Under my desk. She removed a box from a secret compartment. The key fit perfectly. Inside the box was a tape. I’ve already heard it, but I’ll play it for you now. It’s likely that many of you knew this information already.
Corin I: What is this?
Manager: He’s what you asked for, sir.
Corin I: A clone?
Tech: No, not a clone, sir. Something more. We made the modifications you requested.
Corin I: Why does he look so strange?
Manager: You asked us for something more Evil.
Tech: He’s going to look a bit strange, sir. You asked us for a lot of Evil.
Corin I: I like the horns. But he’s so large.
Tech: We had to completely rework his genetic makeup. He has four more chromosomes than a regular human.
Corin I: He’s not human.
Manager: Technically, no. But he’s everything you asked for. He’s more than human.
Tech: He scores off the charts for sapience. Every test we can put him through. He can’t even talk yet. He’s amazing.
Corin I: But what are we going to do with him?
Manager: I thought you plan was to, uh-
Corin I: That’s not going to work now.
Technician: He should be everything you could want. We don’t really have enough to go on for personality yet, but there’s no problem here.
Manager: You could always give him a chance.
Corin I: Kakos Industries needs a face, gentlemen. That is not the face.
Technician: Well, if you’re looking for something more human, then you could always find a woman-
Corin I: No. We’ll begin the next phase of the plan.
Manager: You know that women can just sort of do this stuff, right? Like in their bellies? I think I’ve got a chart around here somewhere I can show you.
Corin I: No.
Technician: It’s really easy. I know a lot of people who’ve done it by accident.
Corin I: I know how pregnancy works, you fools. I said no. Begin the next project.
Manager: It’s going to take some time.
Corin I: Do it.
Technician: We’ll get started right away, sir.
Manager: So… what should we do with… him. He’s not like the other monsters.
Corin I: Grace will look after him. He’ll be taken care of.
There’s a lot to unpack there.
That former Damnation and Ruination Squad member that we have taken to calling Gray has been moping around everywhere, but in a way that is just so photogenic. Their poses and expressions are just so haunting and sad. All of the art photographers and a couple of our amateurs have been bolstering their portfolios by snapping a photo every chance they get.. Except, once they find Gray, Gray runs off. It’s been kind of like a paparazzi thing, I guess. Kimzzzzzzzzzz has made taking photos not sexy by official decree to try to get Gray some peace.
I’ve had a lot to think about recently, so my mind was elsewhere when I walked into the Division of Erotic Experiences so I didn’t notice right away that Jasmine Aashna and Dr. Dunkelwissen had a much more energetic look to them. When I finally noticed, they were standing beside a white board, claiming to have discovered what was most sex after all. The drawing, to the best of my understanding, was when the girl does a handstand, and the guy does kind of a bridge, and the other girl or guy or whatever really does this pretzel thing. Jasmine started doing a self-congratulatory dance. Dr. Dunkelwissen asked for a high five. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, so I couldn’t celebrate with them. Looking a little disappointed, Jasmine pulled back a blind on one of the observation rooms to show me a group doing what they had drawn in the flesh. It was intense, for sure. But then one of the subjects’ backs went out and the whole thing went terribly wrong. It was Evil, but I found it difficult to call it most sex. Back to the drawing board, I guess. They’ll get it eventually.
The Damnation and Ruination Squad is now wearing apparently just slime of some sort with glitter in it and also whatever has stuck to the slime after coming into contact with it. Like, they keep touching stuff. Papers. Other people’s clothes. Plants. Small cactuses. It’s a look.
They say that Evil once buried the smelliest, most rotten fetid thing deep below the earth’s crust, where it has just dumped the worst odor all over the planet forever. We’re all just accustomed to it now. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for photography, 3d scanning, and the fact that so many things we desperately want to preserve basically don’t matter. If you don’t happen to agree that we’re responsible for these things, then we might just have to show you how important you are to preserve.
Governmentality Spokes has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the nemesis of Governmentality will encounter a seriously life ruining event. Governmentality? Like a government mentality? Odd. The things parents will name their kids. The nemesis this week is, and it oh boy does it really just pain me to say this, Corin’s Juicy Ass. At first, there seemed to be some confusion, thinking that my rear end might have done something to piss off Governmentality. To my knowledge, my rear end has done nothing to raise the ire of anyone anywhere, apart from being just so perfect it’s a shame to even sit on it. But no, it turns out that there’s someone out there who legally changed their name to Corin’s Juicy Ass. While I find this disturbing, I was relieved to find that my ass wouldn’t be having its life ruined. We spun the wheel of misery and it landed on the space for “Irresistible”. So now I have to say the words out loud that from today onward, Corin’s Juicy Ass will be 70% more irresistible. Yup. Had to say that. This might sound nice in theory, but imagine all of the unwanted attention. Corin’s Juicy Ass won’t be able to rest. For fuck’s sake. Why do I let people do this. For Evil measure, Governmentality Spokes will be 13% more resistible. Congratulations on the win and best of luck to all parties.
This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You can tie off the bag of vibrating crystals and give it a good crush under your foot. Then dispose of it anywhere you dispose of toxic waste. The numbers are next.
Credits: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer. The record holder for most blueberries in one human mouth. Special guest appearance in this episode by Sean Hennessy and Mike Hennessy. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. Please visit our website for cast details and the credits for all of our social media contributors.
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Dan Shumway, William Brandon, Leah Tedesco and Jack Attack. Also thanks to honored employees Dorkpool Dorkuss, who stopped the bar fight by finding the common ground between the two lizard monsters, Chax Richter, who picked up the strategically placed banana peel, and Chris Leclerc, who wrote down the password we all assumed would be emailed to us. And thanks to our division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Xavier Jarman, Director of The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying, and Craig Czyz, director of the Division of Obscure Vintage Technology. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn knit so much forest. Really only a like a square kilometer, but that’s a lot. Now they’ve taken to knitting the wildlife, starting with the songbirds. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology has developed microscopes supposedly capable of seeing the auras of the various microorganisms. So far they have yet to detect any paranormal activity in anything they’ve caught. The Division of We Know Magic Doesn’t Exist But We’re Going to Keep on Trying stopped trying to cross over after a couple of them did and didn’t make it back. Now they are attempting to conduct a seance for those they lost. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology has pulled back the sheet covering the old death ray. It was designed to end all wars, but we modified ours to strike first. No one can get close enough to turn it off now. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try to write out your feelings in a journal to release your frustration.