Shareholders’ Brawl (2017)
Join us for a recap of this year’s Shareholders’ Brawl.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Shareholders’ Brawl special! And what a shareholders’ brawl it was. Those of you who were there know what I’m talking about. Go ahead. Nod your heads knowingly. You were there. You are special.
Kakos Industries owns a number of ostensibly abandoned warehouses throughout the world, but none are quite so fine as Warehouse 3299-A. The decaying brickwork and rusting iron seem somehow quaint and intentional. The sun peeking in through holes in the roof serves to dramatically light the interior. We moved many of our chairs and tables from the Division of Fancy Fancy into the center of the space under the dramatic sunlight and set the tables with lovely white table cloths and our finest table settings.
When we sent out the invitations for this fabulous event, we told our shareholders that they would be attending the fanciest cage-fighting match they had ever witnessed and that they should dress accordingly. And so they did. Nicole Schwartz the Amazon-a-zon-zon-zon arrived wearing an impossibly restrictive royal blue corset with skirt. Ricardo Carlos Jabroni arrived wearing a diamond encrusted morphsuit and gold spats. Mr. Luke Bramlet arrived in a fine Italian suit and equally fine Italian Ice Skates. Courtney Brooke Davis arrived wearing that dress that Wonder Woman wore in that one scene in the movie, complete with sword tucked in the back. Roland Button arrived wearing an oiled up wetsuit and an impeccable clip-on tie. Samantha Kier showed up in a teal magical girl uniform with skintight skin tights made of skintight skin. Arriving in a puffy green slime-coated tuxedo, walking backward in swimming fins, was Rad Richlander, of the lands rich. Callie Tomlinson showed up in a summery floral print summer dress, which she assured all of us was the only thing she was wearing, ‘cept the weapons. Lurgen, Destroyer of Kittens, arrived in the contradiction that is a matte blacker than black black unitard that somehow sparkled and reflected light, occasionally blinding onlookers. Ms. Lucille Farrell showed up in a black sequin gown just covered in fucking knives. Her shoes were knives. Her jewelry was knives. Dee Gritz strutted into the decaying facility wearing a dress shirt, nice slacks, a bowler hat once worn by a world champion bowler, and a tasteful kitten heel. Rolling into the room in a ball gown with spikes and things I guess whatever was Jaylynn Star, named after the Jaylynn constellation. The Amazing Mr. Silfr Føxx arrived wrapped in both leather and chainmail in a way that vaguely resembled garments. Sopher Teth swaggered into the warehouse in a cruelty extra silken gladiator diaper and the dapperest balaclava. Richard Carr pulled in wearing Full On Steampunk. Full. On. Steampunk. Gears and shit everywhere. Ruby, Queen of the Wasteland uncontested four years running, arrived sweaty in a not at all breathable red vinyl gown and elbow length gloves. Leslie Hamilton, Princex of Destruction and Fairies, arrived in Cinderella cosplay, but like a Cinderella that could fuck you up. James McMann showed up in a magnificent three piece suit made entirely out of chainmail, which, if we’re being honest with ourselves, is just a little transparent. And Brian The Old Hell Squid arrived as an outline of a man in silhouette, wearing the blackest black known to man, and a large ley of mammalian skulls. And once all of these contenders arrived and were seated at the tables in the center of the space, we brought in the cage, enclosing all of them.
Then, the Very Important Shareholders began to arrive, and each of them rattled the cage containing the other, lesser shareholders. Said other shareholders were then doused with mineral oil and vegetable juice for the entertainment of those shareholders who had made special contributions. Iain Croall strutted in, rapping on the cage containing the other shareholders with his nerf rifle, wearing his viking helmet with “Self-appointed Brawl Champ 2016” engraved on the back without horns but space for his own ram horns to go through. Yes, we know that vikings never wore helmets with horns. It’s okay. Two-Sting Josh, Liberator of Bees busted into the joint wearing a swanky-ass waistcoat over a hazmat suit, and the stolen head of your favourite animal mascot. Yes, your favorite. Not mine. Not anyone else’s. Yours. Because you’re special. Brittney Garcia slipped in banging on the cage and shouting unbelievable obscenities at the enclosed shareholders of lesser status wearing a cozy sweater and some slacks with just a hint of stretch, you know? Buckeye Steve waltzed into the room and set up his very own folding chair in the best vantage in all of the warehouse. Asher Eden cartwheeled into the warehouse wearing a James Bond Tuxedo, not one of those other tuxedos, a James Fucking Bond one, banging on the cage, provoking several lesser shareholders with a baseball bat, carved with ancient runes. Irreverent William swung into the open space wearing nothing but a kilt, a bow tie, and two-thirds of a bowler, swinging a barbed wire salami, which I promise you is not a euphemism. Kavi Corben busted in wearing a fine tailored white dress shirt with the sleeves already torn off to save everyone else the trouble, complimented with a purple vest, black dress pants, steel toed shoes with cleats designed for ice, and a pair of gloves “concealing” brass knuckles that, if we’re being honest, weren’t very well concealed. Finally, shareholder of the year David Willoughby stomped into the room wearing navy slacks, a white button down with his sleeves rolled up, big leather work boots, and a silver tie for classy murder and stuff. He smashed the cage with his sledge hammer, raising the blood pressure and blood lust of everyone nearby. Having seated themselves for the bloodbath, the Very Important Shareholders began to watch as the lesser shareholders slipped into violence like an ill-fitting glove.
Dinner was not served for those inside the cage. Instead, there was only violence, and on violence they would feast. Courtney Brooke Davis drew the sword from her back, which, spoiler, was not the god killer, and used it to slice the table in front of her. This was not the ideal first move, but it was baller as fuck. Nicole Schwartz drew several razor sharp ribs from her corset and stabbed Courtney through the arm with two of them, the rest being deflected by all of the mineral oil and vegetable juice that now covered every one of the lesser shareholders. Seeing the opportunity, Mr. Luke Bramlet took off an ice skate, and in true Happy Gilmore fashion, stabbed Nicole Schwartz, producing more blood than anyone expected. When the bloody mist cleared, Courtney Brooke Davis, Nicole Schwartz, and Mr. Luke Bramlet were all gone. No one knows where they went. Perhaps they were hungry and went to get subs. Ricardo Carlos Jabroni, covered in diamonds and now all oiled up, dove into both Roland Button, and Samantha Kier, spilling Samantha’s glass of what appeared to be just purple food coloring. That’s fucking nasty and you need to know it, Samantha. The diamonds scratched them both badly. Samantha Kier did a few quick hand gestures out of some sort of Japanimation before drawing a scepter from deep within her skirt. She then used the scepter to vaporize Ricardo Carlos Jabroni, leaving a newborn baby where he stood. We got the baby out of there, obviously. Then Roland Button smashed Samantha with a goldfish bowl, the crackers not the fish, before slipping on some oily vegetable juice, and becoming quite unconscious. Rad Richlander then slid belly first across the room, heabutting Lurgen, Destroyer of Kittens, in the shins. The shins are Lurgen’s weakness, and he immediately fell unconscious, but not before striking Callie Tomlinson and Ms. Lucille Farrell, making them both angry but not much worse for the wear. Callie and Lucille then took it upon themselves to begin stomping on Rad Richlander, rendering Rad unconscious and extra double plus bloody. Then Callie and Lucille took to striking each other, both miraculously hitting that one part of the neck that causes immediate unconsciousness simultaneously, taking them both out of the battle. Dee Gritz, Jaylynn Star, The Amazing Mr. Silfr Føxx, and Sopher Teth found themselves in an Ecuadorian standoff, which is like a Mexican Standoff, but with milder seasons. Each held a piece of broken glass or wood at the neck of another. Things were growing quite intense when Silfr Føxx busted a blood vessel in his forehead, blinding each of the others, but also leaving him quite incapacitated. The others then began striking out at each other, leaving some scratches that would make awesome scars on Sopher Teth’s chest, Dee Gritz’s upper arms, and Jaylynn Star’s neck. The amount of blood now mixing with the vegetable juice and mineral oil made for an especially slippery floor, causing all three to suddenly hit their heads together, leaving them bleeding and unresponsive on the ground. Richard Carr, Ruby, Queen of the Wasteland, and Leslie Hamilton, Princex of Destruction and Fairies, began to climb on the cage, swatting at each other. They each got a couple of great bites in on the others before the Very Important Shareholders began to strike at their hands from the other side, sending them down to the ground. Unlike in video games, if you fall from really high onto your shoulders, it hurts like hell and then you don’t get up for a while, leaving each of them down. Each got some sweet last words for the brawl though. Richard shouted “Balls” as loud as he could, Ruby shouted, “This isn’t the wasteland, I guess”, and Leslie shouted “Well, okay then.” Brian the Old Hell Squid and James McMann found themselves to be the last two competitors, but not because they were hiding or anything, they were just waiting for the right moment. They began to circle in the center of the room, waiting for any sign of weakness from the other. Then a few bottles thrown from the Very Important Shareholder Section knocked them both face first in the muck out of nowhere. Unsportsmanlike, perhaps. But there are no rules here.
The entertainment having wrapped itself up neatly, the Very Important Shareholders then found themselves with an unsatisfied blood lust remaining in their hearts. Buckeye Steve gently folded up his chair before raising it overhead and smashing it into Iain Croall’s horns, where it was impaled, and stuck, perhaps permanently. Iain tried to fight free of it, but the weight of the chair was too much, leaving him dragging his head behind him. He managed to give it one good swing from the neck, knocking Buckeye Steve out, and thoroughly fucking up his own neck for some time to come. Seeing an opportunity, Brittney Garcia slammed her elbow into Iain’s exposed stomach region, causing him to lose every bit of Rum, Coke, and Gasoline that he had just consumed. Brittney Cackled with glee, striking a taunting pose. Two-Sting Josh, Liberator of Bees then used an industrial staple gun to place thirteen staples into Brittney’s flesh. This wasn’t quite as incapacitating as Two-Sting Josh may have thought, but did fill her with enough confusion to just walk out of the building and give up entirely. Two-Sting watched her leave, only to be smashed in the head by Asher Eden’s baseball bat. This scene was made more upsetting by the inclusion of a fox ear headband on Asher’s dome. Then Two-Sting Josh liberated the bees kept within his hazmat suit before passing out. The bees swarmed Asher Eden, causing Asher to run into Irreverent William’s barbed wire wrapped Salami, which is still not a euphemism, which is probably the only time that weapon will do any meaningful damage. Except for this time I’m about to mention. The barbed wire Salami flew from Irreverent William’s hands and lodged itself into the back of David Willoughby. David screamed out and began swinging his sledgehammer blindly. Having lost his salami, Irreverent WIlliam decided to take a nap in the corner, giving up on the fight, because without a Salami, what’s the damn point. Kavi Corben took off his taller-than-it-should-be top hat just before getting slammed in the chest by David Willoughby’s blind sledge hammer swings. Should not have opened up his fruit cage or laid down his track for that one. Kavi then lost control of his large candlestick, sending it into the air. It then landed on David Willoughby’s head, knocking him out.
There were no victors, but at least no one died. There was that one guy who got turned into a baby, though. What the fuck was that? Do we have any more info? No? Fuck. That’s gonna bother me. Is he still a baby? Did no one check on that? I guess sometimes you just get turned into a baby or something.