episodes

25 – The Best Laid Plans

in which the Pie Festival is recapped, plans are made for the next Shareholders’ Ball, a few surprise guests join us, we hear from the Division of Whaling and Wailing, and Thomas Kublai Kahn “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is autotuned gasoline explosions.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, in case you aren’t aware, this is the first set of announcements from my second year here at Kakos Industries. This company has been under my careful guidance for a year now, and things have been going remarkably well. I am told that, when adjusting for both economic and Evil inflation, I have out performed all other CEOs this company has known in their first years. Certainly, I cannot take full credit for that achievement because I know that my grandfather left me in an exceptionally good starting place. He knew that the end was coming, and he wanted to make sure that the company would survive without him. I mean, the company would likely survive without any of us, really, but maybe not so well. Anyway, I am happy to continue my reign here, and I am happy to have all of you joining us.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a Giant Ass Radios Giant Ass Speaker and Antenna. It doesn’t get much more bare bones than this, but at least we didn’t have to bend the fabric of space to get you your transmissions this time. The Giant Ass Speaker and Antenna, much like you would expect, is a rather large antenna attached to a speaker. I would have to assume that there are some sort of electronic components in between the antenna and speaker, but knowing the engineers over at Giant Ass Radios, it might just be two parts. I hope that you were able to fit the giant antenna and speaker into your home, and I do apologize if receiving this radio has caused any permanent damage to the foundation. I understand that the Guild of Transmission did try to throw them through the Incoming Projectiles Windows for many of you before calling it a day and just leaving the rest near your homes. They are that large. I would caution you not to get too close to the antenna during the broadcast because it might try to shock you. We’re adding this particular product to our long list of Things That Are Accidentally Tesla Coils. Also, you might notice the air around the antenna getting a bit warmer. If you get too hot, just try to back away a little bit.

Again, I must warn all of those who are listening that these broadcasts are strictly for Kakos Industries Shareholders. I am warning you of that because this speaker is quite large, and it is also quite loud. There is no way, as you have probably gathered, to turn it down, so if you’re not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then I would recommend leaving the vicinity. Otherwise, the antenna might just shock you to death. If you survive, then you do become a shareholder, but the odds aren’t great. So run. Fast as you can. Goodbye.

We recently had the Pie Festival. Many of you joined us at the the park outside of the main branch. We had apple pies and wapple pies, cherry pies and Jerry pies, strawberry pies and raw berry pies, pecan pies and we can pies, key lime pies and me time pies, chicken pot pies and wiccan hot pies, peach pies and beach pies, pumpkin pies and blumpkin pies. The winner this year was Candice Menendez who made a chocolate horchata pie. We like horchata at Kakos Industries. We like horchata a lot. As promised, we bumped her up a notch in the shareholder rankings, which, as you know, are not related to the number of shares owned, nor how long you have owned them. The worst pie was made by Quentin Loupe, who made what appeared to be an ordinary apple pie according to every test that we put it through, but tasted much, much worse. In fact, it tasted nothing like apples, or pie, or anything that should enter the mouth in any way. Since then we’ve been subjecting it to tests to see how Quentin was able to transfigure the pie into the horrible thing it became, but so far, we have not discovered the solution. I am told that the Division of Inner Workings has found something abnormal about Quentin’s brain, but they would not comment on what it was just yet, nor on whether or not he was still alive in the traditional sense. I am excited to hear more about this as the details come out.

Shareholders, are you excited for the Shareholder’s ball? Can you believe it has already been a year since the last one? I know, it’s hard for me to believe, too. But yes, coming soon, we have that one most exciting, most intriguing, most orgasmic of events. The flyers have gone out, and I should expect that you have received at least one. Now, I know that the flyers all say different things in regards to location and the events that will take place, but as always the shareholder’s ball will take place in the basement ballroom here at the Kakos Industries main branch. If you are not aware of where the Kakos Industries main branch exists in relation to space and time at this exact moment, that’s okay. You’re coming to the ball whether you like it or not. And you will like it. For those of you who continue to argue that you never asked to be a part of our business and that we can’t rightly insist that you participate, and that this whole thing is really unfair how you have to keep listening to these announcements just to avoid dying, then I will remind you once more that you are a part of us because you belong with us. You can deny it all you like. You can pretend that you’re not “that kind of person” as much as you want, but we all know what rests inside that heart and mind of yours. You can, as always, join the group of people standing on the sidelines, not getting involved, maintaining your delicate sense of who you are, but I will caution you as always that doing so will put you in danger of being consumed by the carnivorous plants lining the sides of the room, colloquially known as the Wall Flowers. I bet you are all curious about the events of the Shareholders’ Ball. The buffet this year will feature fire roasted sheep fetuses, which are to lamb what lamb is to mutton, baby back drake smothered in truffle butter, and some grilled aurochs. Yes, I know, we buried the last aurochs because it weirded us out too much, and you probably assumed that we would have told you if we had any new successes in regards to this project. The reason we haven’t said anything is that all of the subsequent aurochs have been just as disconcerting, and, truthfully, we’re wondering if the aurochs is just that weird by nature, and that’s maybe why we killed them all in the first place. These aurochs have been giving us weird looks and we’re not happy about it. So this time we’ve decided to kill them and eat them. For those of you of a more Evil dietary persuasion, we will have plenty of rare and exotic plants for you to consume. They will have been harvested in the least carbon neutral way and flown via private jet just to get here. All dishes will be served on a bed of silphium seeds. For entertainment, we will have a lively debate between two people who disagree vehemently about economics, specifically from the Austerian and Kegelian Schools of thought. We will, of course, laugh every time they claim to know something. At the end, we will decide on a winner based on whatever we like and will then end the other person using our dinner forks. No one will know who killed the debater, so we will all have killed the debater, and we will all carry that with us. Following the entertainment, you guessed it, is the blood orgy. I am definitely excited for that. This year, the flavor of the blood will be a twice distilled blood orange mint blend of camel, elephant, and polar bear. I can hardly contain my excitement. Shareholders, it is probably not a surprise that last year’s event was planned well in advance of me taking office here at Kakos Industries, so this is the first that is truly mine. I have spared no expense. If my estimations are correct, this celebration will surpass last year’s by a healthy margin in several key categories. There is nothing that can possibly ruin this for me.

(The noise floor rises).
Corin: Oh, fuck. What is it this time?
Melantha: Is this corned beef?
(Hailey and Melantha giggle in the background)
Melantha: Shut up, shut up you’re gonna ruin it.
Corin: No. No. Please go away. You’re not supposed to be here. I don’t want to talk to you.
Hailey: Why don’t you want to talk to us, Porn Queef?
(The girls begin to laugh once again).
Corin: What is this? Is this some kind of sleep over? Are you teenagers?
Melantha and Hailey: High Five!
(High Five)
Melantha: It sounds like we’ve got your jimmies rustled.
Hailey: Melantha bought me a pet rat, Corin! His name is Pumpkin Spice Latte!
Melantha: It’s a super rat, Corin. Much better than any rat you’ve ever made.
Hailey: Why didn’t you ever buy me a rat, Corin?
Melantha: Yeah? Why not? Is it just that I’m that much better than you?
Hailey: He’s a gay rat, and that’s absolutely awesome. He and his boyfriend make out like all the time.
Corin: I’m just trying to do my announcements. Can you please leave me alone?
Melantha: Why would I do that, Corin, when I can interrupt you to tell you and all of your shareholders that I’ve outdone you once again.
Corin: And how have you done that?
Melantha: Remember your whole natural male enhancement cream disaster? Well we’ve just finished a natural male enhancement cream that makes you-know-what the perfect size.
Corin: And how do you know that they’re perfect? I mean, what’s perfect, really?
Melantha: Oh, I wouldn’t expect you to know, Corin.
Hailey: Sick burn!
Melantha and Hailey: High Five!
(High five)
Corin: I just mean… There’s no one perfect size. Women seem to have different opinions.
Melantha: It’s objectively perfect, Corin.
Corin: Perfect for you, you mean.
Melantha: Don’t be silly. I haven’t tried it. I’m not a scientist!
Hailey: Wait a second, I might be a scientist.
Melantha: Anyway, Corin, we’ve succeeded where you failed, and I thought you should know. We’re going into full production on the cream in the very near future.
Corin: It doesn’t do anything does it. It tells men that it makes it the perfect size, and it does nothing at all, thus making them happy and making you money. That is diabolical.
Melantha: I can neither confirm nor deny any of those allegations. Naturally. All I can say is that we won’t be having any giant naturally enhanced male monsters running around in the near future.
Corin: is that all? Can I go now?
Melantha: Of course that’s not all!
Hailey: Corin, I’m naked! WOOOOOOOOOO!
Melantha: That’s entirely her choice! I’m not making her do anything!
Hailey: It’s a new thing I’ve been trying! Melantha is super supportive of all of my decisions.
Corin: Please, can we not do this right now?
Melantha: There’s more! I wanted to tell you that Hailey and I have now done things together. In a sexual fashion.
Corin: You mean you had sex?
Melantha: Oh yes, we did that, and we did some other things. And we did some other things still, and those things were really, really good.
Hailey: Oh my Evil, so good!
Melantha: I think we’ve done just about everything there is to do, really. You know, all the sexy things. Naughty things. Physical things. The kind where we touch. Erotically.
Hailey: Almost everything. We haven’t done-
Melantha: Silence!
Corin: This is not information I need. I mean, what information there was. Seriously, how is your sexual vocabulary not better?
Melantha: But aren’t you jealous, Corin? I’ve taken Hailey from you! We’ve now had the same woman.
Corin: I… If that’s all you have to say, then I think I can live with it just fine. None of that can really ruin my optimism right now.
Melantha: There’s more!
Hailey: So much more!
Melantha: Just one more thing, actually.
Hailey: Never mind.
Corin: Fuck. Please, let’s just get it over with.
Melantha: Well, Hailey told me all about this shindig you’re having. Some sort of stockholders’ ball or something. Anyway, we both did the unthinkable and picked up some shitty stock in your company…
Corin: No.
Melantha: So we’ll see you there, Corin.
Corin: No!
Melantha: Yes! You’ll be able to watch us doing even more things all night, in your ballroom, but you won’t be able to touch, Corin.
Hailey: You might be able to touch a little.
Melantha: I will permit you to touch Hailey, but I might revoke that permission if you’re enjoying yourself too much.
Corin: No! You can’t… not my shareholder’s ball. It’s the best celebration of the year. You can’t ruin that for me!
Melantha: We’ll be there, Corin. We’ll be at the ball. We’ll be at the blood orgy. In the middle of it, even. I’ll be doing everything, Corin. Just not with you.
Hailey: I kinda want to try everyone.
Corin: Okay, setting my personal feelings aside for a moment, Melantha, doesn’t this seem like a conflict of interest? How will your shareholders feel about you being a partial owner in my company?
Melantha: Don’t be silly, Corin! We’ll just sell the shares off right after the party.
Corin: You can’t do that.
Melantha: Watch me!
Corin: No, I mean it’s not possible. You can’t sell the shares in our company. You can’t give them away, either. It’s part of the contract.
Melantha: What?
Corin: People try to get rid of their stock in this company all of the time. You just can’t. It’s like a mark that follows you. Or like a virus that just hides in your nervous system. You’re stuck with it now.
Hailey: O-M-E I totally forgot about that.
Melantha: Yes, you definitely forgot to mention that.
Hailey: Oh, no, Melantha. I feel so bad. Are you going to punish me?
Melantha: Most certainly. I’m going to have my best nether lawyers look through this document, Corin. This isn’t the last you’ve heard about this! At least not until after your ball.
Corin: Of course not. See you at the ball, Melantha. The costume theme is The Edge of the Universe.
Melantha: Hailey, go to the spankatorium. I’ll be right behind you. With a paddle. For a while.

(The noise drops out)

Shareholders, that was embarrassing. I am sorry. One way or the other, the ball will be plenty of fun for all of you, even if it has been completely ruined for me. If you do happen to see Melantha or Hailey, I can’t tell you that they are in any way off-limits. That would not be fair given the nature of the event. I will just say that you would do well to think twice. For your own health.

Shareholders, I think that I will still be able to enjoy this event. I mean, two-thirds of the event isn’t even related to sex, right? I can still eat without being disturbed, right? And I can still stab an economist with a fork without being disturbed, right? And I will be able to enjoy parts of the blood orgy without a problem, right? This isn’t so bad, really. It’s not the worst thing in the world to have a woman for whom my feelings are inexplicably complicated at the center of a sex party that I organized. So, I will be able to enjoy this still. I am determined. Now, let’s get back to the announcements.
(A clinking sound of metal feet on a hard floor can be heard)
Corin: What is that sound? Hello?
Helena: Communication established. Hello, Corin.
Corin: Ah, it’s just a robot, shareholders. We have a lot of them running around the building. Nothing to be alarmed about.
Helena: It’s me, Corin. Don’t you recognize my voice?
Corin: Well, you do sound familiar, but, I mean, you can’t be her. She’s just a computer watching a lonely corner of Kakos Industries.
Helena: It’s Helena, Corin. I got a body, Corin.
Corin: Oh dear. Was this Dr. Dunkelwissen again?
Helena: He’s a very nice man, Corin. He set me free. Now I can move around the world. I can touch things, Corin. I can neutralize threats in person.
Corin: Shareholders, if you’re not familiar, Dr. Dunkelwissen is a scientist here at Kakos Industries. His skill in bringing about Evil is unparalleled. He, like a select few of our employees above a certain level, works for Kakos Industries as a whole, rather than a specific division. This gives him the freedom to work on whatever it is that catches his fancy, and, on occasion, his fancy can totally fuck me over.
Helena: I can protect you so much better now, Corin. I can be where you are. I neutralized seventeen threats on my way here.
Corin: Helena, you definitely didn’t have to do that. I’m actually doing pretty well on protection these days. Soundman, do we know if those employees are going to be okay? He does not know.
Helena: Don’t be silly, Corin. You can always be safer. I know Kung Fu.
(Electric motor noises)
Corin: I can certainly see that. Did he design the body himself? It’s certainly his style, with the curves and whatnot.
Helena: Based on pictures of what I used to look like, Corin. Now I’m metal, though.
Corin: Are you sure? Your proportions are pretty outrageous.
Helena: I have parts for that, Corin. We can be united as one. I have to protect your well-being.
Corin: That’s okay, Helena. I’m in the middle of something right now.
Helena: It’s not healthy to keep yourself bottled up, Corin. My sociosexual libraries have been programmed with the skill of the world’s greatest courtesans.
Corin: I’m actually trying to save up my stamina for the shareholder’s ball.
Helena: That’s perfect! I am a shareholder, Corin!
Corin: What?
Helena: I was when I was human, and I still am now. I will see you there, Corin. I am so excited. Now I have to go. A young man on the third floor said working with you is just alright. He must be neutralized. Communication terminated.
Corin: Oh, you don’t have to… oh what the hell, at least she’s got something to do.
(Clinking goes away)

Dammit. I would say something about things getting worse, but I just don’t want to jinx it any more at this point. Let’s get on with things.

I have news from the Division of Whaling and Wailing. They write, “God be damned, we’re going to get that whale if it’s the last thing we do. A gold doubloon to the first man who spies it.” You might be wondering shareholders, why do we even have a division for whaling when whaling is no longer an acceptable method of acquiring candle oil. Well, truth be told, they went rogue a long time ago, and they’ve just been kind of doing what they want since. Periodically we’ll get notes, but otherwise we don’t know where they are or what they’re doing. Get that neck fat off of those whales, guys. Or whatever.

Evil can be like a blanket wrapped around a dog. You can struggle with it and struggle with it, but sometimes it’s just beyond your ability to escape from its clutches. This is Things We’re Taking Credit For Now. This week, we’re taking credit for the word “moist”, the word “bliss”, and the word “guzzle”. If you disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for this time, then please step a little closer to your Giant Ass Antenna. The pain you feel is the impurity leaving your body.

Thomas Kublai Kahn has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of his nemesis will be ruined. Thomas has selected Harold Liu Bei as the target of this specific life ruining event. The Wheel of Misery turned and turned. It turned past lessons that we ought to learn and instead landed on a sufficiently life ruining sentence. The space it landed on was “Unexplainable Experience.” This is a good one, shareholders. When the wheel lands on this space, the Damnation and Ruination Squad is given the task of subjecting Harold Liu Bei to an experience that can never be explained away, and that will haunt him with questions for the rest of his life. Will Harold experience a bizarre glitch in reality? Will he encounter a group of people so strange that logic escapes him entirely? Will Harold feel really really good for no reason, and never be able to attain it again? We can’t say for certain. One way or another, the doubt caused by this moment of his life will ruin it forever. Best of luck, Harold. For good measure, Thomas Kublai Kahn will be kicked in the balls by a skin head. Oh, we’ve done that one already? Okay. Let’s see… Something about unexplainable experience… Ah, I’ve got it. From now on, Thomas Kublai Kahn will be really good at harvesting whale oil and not know where he gained the experience. Let’s do that. Congratulations on the win.

And this brings us to the end of our broadcast. It will take some work to destroy your Giant Ass Radios Giant Ass Speaker and Antenna, but we have faith in you. It must be done. And soon. I’d get started now. The numbers are next.

23
2
3
666
23
2
3
999

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently revisiting all of the classic films of the 1990s. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan, Lindsey Forry, and Hanna Jones. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered becoming a pirate? Like a real pirate. Get a boat.

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