in which we learn something about the board, you enjoy some delicious cookies, and Bimple Lizkit “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

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What you are about to hear is gonna hit just right.

Hello and Welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. Shareholders, you might remember that last time we heard some tapes from my grandfather about his own problem with some secretaries named Tabitha. It was quite a while ago now, but many of you will remember that I had a similar issue. I had secretaries named Tabitha, only one of which did any actual work, and the others mostly tried to flirt with me, leaning into a power dynamic I wasn’t completely comfortable with. Then things seemed to really spiral out of control as more and more Tabithas appeared. Well, I’ve continued my attempts to learn more, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the sound of you chewing on those delicious cookies you just found. Moments ago, you discovered a box of cookies where you didn’t expect one. The box said “I belong to no one. Please consume me” on it. Following instructions when they agreed with what you wanted to do already, you opened the box and started chomping. Then you noticed that these cookies seem to take a little while to chew through. They are a bit of a jaw exercise, though not because they are particularly stale or chewy. They just take time. That time we engineered into these cookies so we could keep you from getting through them too quickly. There is something about the energy that is produced as you chew and the electricity generated due to friction that we are able to harness and latch onto to send you these announcements just now. It’s really fascinating technology. This comes to us from a collaboration between our Division of Chewables and Farmer’s Own Biscuit Cookie Scones. I am told that these cookies have medium to moderate sound quality, and they contain no allergens or anything from nature at all. “Nothing from nature, that’s a Farmer’s promise.” As such you have nothing to worry about from eggs or dairy or any of the suspicious ingredients they use to replace eggs and dairy. There are no nuts or seeds. Not even the sugar is real sugar, but it’s also not a fake sugar that will upset your stomach or give you a headache. It’s just a deliciously fake yet somehow edible cookie that is also a radio receiver. Wild. I must emphasize that these announcements are for Kakos Industries shareholders only, and if you aren’t a Kakos Industries shareholder, then you have likely already expired from choking on this dry, dry cookie. Otherwise, maybe you were a shareholder all along and now you know it. We’ll be getting in touch about that.  

Did you enjoy the Festival of Self Love, Shareholders? About a week ago, it happened, whether we were ready for it or not. It was probably something you ate or something you saw, something that we made sure was there for you. It worked its magic, and at the appointed time, you did what you needed to do. You found some privacy, and you got to business. This was important work for Kakos Industries shareholders. This is part of your duties. You must celebrate, and in this case, that included taking care of yourself in a special way. I understand that for many of you, this meant waking up in the middle of the night with an incredible urge. If you live alone, then satisfying this urge was simple enough. If you live with another shareholder and potentially share a bed, then satisfying the urge was a little bit harder. You would need your separate spaces after all. This is self love we’re talking about. Regardless of any obstacles, I know that all of you performed remarkably well. We were watching after all.

Coming up we have a variety of festivals that have remained on the calendar after I seemingly hallucinated them a few years ago. These festivals include the Pajama Festival, the Festival of Brightly Colored Hats, and the Festival of Toast. We have decided to combine these festivals to give the Division of Dionysia a break, so we will be hosting all of you in your pajamas, in your finest brightly colored hats, and we will be making toast for you in a variety of different ways. Then we’re going to put on animated television shows from DarkMegaJapan for everyone to watch together.

We also have the CEO Festival of the Dance coming up. This is another combined festival. I can’t remember exactly why they were fused together, but the Division of Dionysia seems to be having trouble separating them, or perhaps they just lack the will. So, once again, you all will be celebrating me through dance. Fourth place gets to test some potentially incomplete rides at the MegaThrillz theme park in Christhole, Texas. Making fun of me is strictly forbidden. 

Once again, shareholders, I don’t feel it particularly prudent to tell you about my methodology, but I have acquired another tape.

CDI: Alright, Grace, since you’ve been no fucking help at all, I did a little digging of my own. I’ve been keeping an eye on the board. Obviously the exectopi are not my concern here, but there are the humans. The Solomonari, of course, but then, I realized, there’s people I don’t even know. Doesn’t that seem strange, Grace? I have meetings with the board every week and I don’t know who some of them are. It seems perfectly natural at the time. There’s a dark corner with who knows how many people and I say what I need to and the electronic voice that the exectopi use just asks me questions and I’m happy to answer them. It’s weird how you don’t think about the shady people in the corner. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to. Maybe it’s because you’ve done a handful of pills that make your peripheral vision all fuzzy. Who knows. But there are these people, and it’s impossible to know who they are during the meeting. But there’s only one door in and out, isn’t there? Maybe I want to know who they are after all. So I wait for them, hiding in the shadows myself. There’s a monster or two, of course, but there’s a bunch of ordinary people, too. Clean cut. Business-like. Old money. Dangerous people. And then, there’s her. She dresses a little differently for the board meetings, you know. Definitely not as provocative, but it’s her. I know it. She spotted me in the shadows almost immediately. She didn’t tell any of the others that I was watching, but she smiled at me. A cold, malicious smile. Or maybe that’s just how I felt about it at the time. I completely forgot the faces of everyone else. I know there are rules about recording or taking photographs, but I feel like it might be my only way. You can’t stop me, Grace. 

VOICE: From the desk of Grace Rule. 

(whale song)

CDI: Okay, Grace, fine, I guess you can stop me. How was I supposed to know you had a list of all of the people on the board? How was I supposed to know you could just send me a copy of it? Why was I supposed to assume that? At this company? Don’t talk down to me, Grace. I was behaving perfectly reasonably. Anyway, there she is. Tabitha. Except there’s two of them. Grace, I’m about as up to date on cloning technology as you can be, and this stuff just ain’t possible yet. Not a fully grown person. So I’m guessing twins. But why would they have the same name? Is there anything you’d like to shed some light on here, Grace?

VOICE: From the Desk of Grace Rule:

(whale song)

CDI: You could have just said no, Grace. I don’t need a lecture. I’ll keep digging on my own. 

CDIII: I have a list of the current board members in front of me, now, which is apparently a thing I can just have, and, well, there’s more than two now, for what it’s worth. There are some other interesting names, and some spelled in characters I don’t recognize. I suppose that affords one a certain amount of anonymity. Let’s move on. 

It’s time for this broadcast’s Q&A segment. Today’s question is: What are the easiest jobs to get at Kakos Industries? We do get this question from time to time. People want to know how they can get their foot in the door here at our company, whether for the lifestyle, the benefits, or just the feeling of raw sexual power that a desk job gives you. The answer is probably pretty unsurprising. There are lots of openings all the time at Kakos Industries as long as you’re not too picky about what happened to the last person to hold that job. You can pretty much get a job working with monsters right now if you’re comfortable getting right in the cage and fending for yourself. We have plenty of managers who do not care if you are adequately prepared for success. We should really fire those people, but they bring something special to our team here and it’s hard to let them go. We also have some jobs so boring that they have actually killed people. There is an archival position that has about a 75% chance of just stopping your heart at some point because of how dry and tedious it is. You just slow down until you nod off that final time. The other 25% could not be happier with their jobs, so I would only recommend this route if you know this is right for you. And just to make this clear, there is no job titled assistant to Corin Deeth III parentheses sexual. I get applications every day, and I would like to not. I wonder if someone put this on a job website as a prank. It’s not funny. Other than that, we always need social media interns. You know how to get in touch.

I have news from the Division of Erotic Experiences. They are still working on their Satisficer prototype, the sex toy that is supposed to be able to do anything for anyone at any time and satisfy every need along the way. I really think they are starting to suffer from feature creep. Every time I talk to them about the machine there’s something new on the list. They have reminded me, while talking down to me, that the device is supposed to do everything for everyone. I suggested that doing most things for most people might be a better route, but they strongly disagreed. I have long since stopped trying to tell this division what to do. They like it too much, and then they don’t do it so I have to tell them again. Because they like it. It’s not a healthy arrangement. I certainly didn’t agree to it. Anyway, the new feature they are working on is multiple pulse settings. While it’s not uncommon for devices such as this to have pulse settings for vibration, they are also trying to have pulse settings for lights, heating and cooling sensations, a few kinds of radiation, and little electrical shocks. There are, as you can imagine, some new casualties. This device isn’t really in danger of having the highest death toll of projects at our company, but it’s still really high for what should be a personal massager. I told them to cut the radiation, and then things got weird, so I left. 

I have news from our Hell labor camp, that big cave system where we send people to work until they die. I mean, that’s not the explicit situation, but it is at least likely that that will be the case. Some people do make it out of there. What’s that, Soundman? No one makes it out? Not a single person? I really thought for sure that we would have taken at least one person out. Not a single one? Really? Maybe we should create some kind of lottery to sow discord. Anyway, the glowing rocks they’ve been mining have been really struggling to take off here at the surface. They really want us to buy these little figurines that they’re making but the fact of the matter is that the craftspeople down there are just not that great at carving these things. There’s also the matter of the carvings themselves being of strange monsters that we have yet to see. The way the carvings are done seems to correspond to the way that many cultures will create images of their gods or spiritual entities. I think I have mentioned in the past that some of the people working away in the labor camp are finding some sort of spiritual enlightenment in the sisyphean workload. This isn’t desirable, of course. It’s supposed to be demoralizing. It’s supposed to be pointless. It’s supposed to be punishment. Punishment for what is unclear, but it’s supposed to be punishment. The only people who seem to be buying the figurines are our Division of Anthropology, who have been watching this labor camp with interest for some time. Apparently, they are starting to develop a strange sort of culture down there based on malnutrition, terrible working conditions, and the constant dread of real monsters in the caverns that could attack at any time. I suppose Meredith Gorgoro, the overseer in the Hell labor camp, did sign some sort of treaty with the monsters during that saga where she just went apeshit on all of them and stole one of their arms for herself (still envious, by the way). There could be other groups of monsters down there, or other monsters evolving rapidly in the presence of whatever it is down there that makes the monsters change so quickly, but so far that hasn’t happened. Whatever presence she has down there seems to keep the monsters at bay. I would assume that the fear is still an issue though. The Division of Anthropology is considering sending some people down to the labor camp to study. We have basically told them that there is no way to guarantee their safety, and they will likely end up as laborers. They are considering ways to try to make the journey safer for now. 

I have some news with regards to the Matmos. It’s been over a year since things calmed down with the human-matmos relations after I removed The Donut from the biggest Matmos pool. It  seems that we have done quite a bit of science on the donut and have determined that it might be alive. That’s not exactly true. When I asked the team working on it if The Donut was alive, they said “kinda”. I understand that it has some lifelike properties, but it is difficult to call it alive because of just how slow it moves. They have been able to pinpoint some lifelike systems in the donut, but they are not sure if they can examine them in closer detail without harming the supposed organism. It’s not clear what it was doing in the Matmos or how long it was there. I mentioned that Kimmie was hanging out with Clarissa and Hedera again, my two liaisons to the Matmos and that they were calling her mean names. It seems that this has changed slightly. Kimmie took it personally that they didn’t view her as a true member of the Matmos, whatever that means, and she put more Matmos into herself. Now instead of calling her a poser, they are calling her a try-hard. I think the issue here is that Kimmie thinks of herself as the queen of the disaffected and listless women, and the fact that these two are somehow not accepting her on exactly those two merits is kind of an ego blow. 

The Division of Kaiju Battle Reenactment recently reenacted the battle between  Bruh-bony and Suh-Dudicus. We all remember this battle like it was yesterday because the real fight only happened about a month ago and has been the talk of social media ever since. We can’t be certain what started this beef, but we do know that this fight had more headlocks and noogies than any other kaiju battle any of us have ever seen. Eventually Suh-Dudicus walked away from the battle trying to be the bigger monster, but everyone could see his tears, so the effect didn’t quite work. Then, of course there was the thing that Suh-Dudicus said that all of the memes were about. I’m not going to do it. I don’t do impressions.

The Division of Figuring Out What All of These Keys Go to has paired a fragile glass key with a lock made from gossamer. They know that they go together with certainty based on scans that they took. The issue is that unlocking the lock would likely destroy both items, a reality they are unprepared to deal with.

The Division of Secret Societies has recently had their budget freed up after nearly ten years of trying to destroy The Sisterhood of the Traveling Sports Bra. They did destroy that organization, as I mentioned last time, which was a huge relief for us, but now it’s time to consider their other options. So far they are courting a few other organizations to see which might be most ready to be assimilated or destroyed. The two I was told about are The Church of Diuretics and The Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger. The Church of Diuretics exists in the unfortunate intersection between caffeine snobbery and water sports, but I am told that they seem to be easily swayed thus far. The Siblinghood of the Spooky Finger is more obscure as of right now. It is unclear how they recruit, and it is also unclear what the Spooky Finger signifies. I will update you as I know more. And by the way, sometimes shareholders will ask us why I talk about these things so openly when it’s possible if not probable that members of these organizations might be listening in as Kakos Industries shareholders. The simple answer is that I know they might be listening in. They are probably shareholders in fact. But their primary loyalty is to us here at Kakos Industries, and going against that to tattle on us to their other organizations will cause them to die from internal conflict. So be careful if that’s your plan. Otherwise, I’m not worried about it.

It’s time for our Employee Spotlight. Today we are highlighting Harrison Freep, who works in the Division of Reuse. Harrison manages a warehouse of carefully organized and cataloged materials that have been discarded by other Divisions. If you need a glass oval measuring 1 meter at the longest dimension, there’s a chance you don’t even need to make one. Harrison has you covered. You might need to wash it, but that will save your cheeks from the strain of glass blowing. Do you need a hundred thousand plastic bottles? Harrison asks “what color?” Recently a division needed an old DVD of the sitcom All About My Buds, and Harrison had three different regions of DVD ready to go. Thank you for what you do Harrison, you freaky hoarder goblin. 

They say that Evil once killed a man because he parked too closely. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for signs, stickers, and the pervasiveness of ineffectual advertising. Naturally, we can’t know with one hundred percent certainty that we did these things, but knowing us, it seems at least likely. You should consider agreeing with us primarily because it’s better for your health. And you don’t want to see even more ads, do you?

Bimple Lizkit is the winner of today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Bimple Lizkit’s nemesis will be ruined. That nemesis is The Ineffable. We gave the wheel of misery a tough jerk, and it spun for a while before landing on the space for Repetitious. From this day forward The Ineffable will be 45% more repetitious, repeating words and phrases, but also repeating activities. As we can see clearly, this will have some issues going forward. For Evil measure Bimple Lizkit will be 13% less repetitious, but, you know, sometimes you need to repeat things for their own sake. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. 

The Damnation and Ruination Squad, that team responsible for making the Wheel of Misery’s dictates come true, has recently been doing their job around Kakos Industries wearing seersucker suiting fabric. I wanted to say seersucker suits, but it’s just suiting fabric wrapped loosely around their bodies and tied in places so it only falls off some of the time. They really do get some wild costume choices from the Wheel of Misery. It’s a wonder they get any work done.

This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast, shareholders. I will continue looking into a number of things on my own, as you might expect. I honestly have no idea if I will be successful or how long it will take, but it seems important. You have probably nearly finished the cookies that this broadcast is coming in on. If you haven’t, I would recommend leaving the rest alone. If you continue to chew them after this broadcast ends, it is unclear what you will be hearing, but it will likely be something unpleasant. And your jaw is probably pretty tired at this point anyway. The numbers are next. 

44

44

44

55

44

55

66

67

68

90

90

44

4

44

4

BRIAUNA: Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth, and the composer of the music. The introductions are read by Ryan Jenkins, and the credits are read by Briauna Kittle, a bucket of hot sauce with your name on it, punk.

Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can submit one time donations at paypal.me/kakosindustries. You can also purchase gear and other items for the production at kakosindustries.com/wishlist. Join our community at kakosindustries.com/discord. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), Instagram (@kakosindustries), tik tok @Kakosindustries. We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. 

Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders, Jack Tooley and Kristina Kirkland. Also thanks to honored employee Calico, who put the bear away. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, directed by Theo Cornet, has knit a series of sunflowers that seem to be watching you as you move by them. The Division of Obscure Vintage Technology, directed by Craig Czyz, has purchased an old Evil oscilloscope. It not only displays amplitude and frequency, but also how Evil a sound is. The Division of Subtle Efficiency Increases, directed by Danniel R Smith, has started ending bad relationships around the building. It’s less subtle, but more efficient.  The Division of Kakos Kafeteria Reviews, directed by Seth and Josh, has reviewed On the Floor. “You sit on the floor. The food is on the floor. They keep the floors pretty clean. 13/22”. The Division of Improbable Cookbooks, directed by Hayden Neff, has been working on “Minimally Viable Food”. It’s about the least you can get away with and still call it food.   The Division of More Monday Mondays, directed by Odie, has made Mondays that much more Monday by giving everyone bubble gum. The Division of Villainous Introspection, directed by Sarah, is now considering what sounds make them feel the most Evil. Right now they’re really into velcro pulling apart.  The Division of New Card Game Mechanics, led by Finn, has developed a card that is worth so much money that you can never play with it. It is made out of money. The Division of Animal Stacking, directed by The One True Dave, has stacked three hyenas. Honestly three seems like a lot. The Division of Cereals, directed by Emily Reynolds has introduced a new flavor of cereal they are calling Sweet Nut. It’s sort of like sweet almond, but it’s really more of a sweet nut on the finish. The Division of Lesser Known Napping Locations, Directed by Sass Master J, has recently taken a nap on the couch in Lounge 98. No one knows where Lounge 98 is, so it’s pretty quiet there. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

Kakos industries can be dark, have you tried yoga,  not one of the Culty ones.