Hello, Kakos Industries Shareholders! My name is Conrad Miszuk, and if you believe the cover story, then I am the creator of Kakos Industries. If you don’t believe the cover story, then I am the dark puppeteer orchestrating your entire existence.

To start with, I would like to remind you that our survey is still open. We’re going to keep it open probably until the end of January so we have a chance to catch the opinions of the people who aren’t necessarily caught up at any given time. Head to kakosindustries.com/survey to check that out. We’ve all recently learned the hazards of not letting our voices be heard, so please take this opportunity to tell me who you are and how I can best cater to your special interests.

Also, I would like to announce a few new goals we’re adding over on our Patreon. If we can get to $500, then we’ll put up a new #FanFucktion Video. There is still time to get your submissions in, so head on over to kakosindustries.com/fanfucktion if you’re interested in submitting. The juicier the better, really.

Then if we can make it to $600, I would love to do a YouTube video where I read a whole episode. If I can figure out how to do the YouTube live thing, it might just be live also. Which episode would be totally up to you, listeners. I don’t always have access to the other voice actors, so you should assume that it will be me doing all of the voices, for better or worse. So think that over. Let’s throw in some more FanFucktion, too at $600.

If we can make it to $700, I’ll be able to devote some time to mixing, expanding, and releasing some of the other music tracks that are not yet a part of the music rewards on Patreon. That includes music that was made for Melantha’s Episodes and also the Jazz from Space Race. And how about some more #FanFucktion? Why not.

If we can make it to $800, and I know that I’m being really ambitious here, I will improvise an episode of Kakos Industries on YouTube using suggestions that I will collect from you listeners. You write the headlines, I fill in the details. This probably won’t be canon, as you can imagine, so you can go nuts.

If we can make it to $1,000 – what? $1,000? We’re not even halfway there now! – I know. We’re setting the goal posts for the long haul here. At $1,000 I would like to introduce some really cool physical rewards. For example, I would really like to put together a reward level for Kakos University’s LifeLongLearners, who might just find themselves certified in some strange new skill each month. And I would love to do a T-Shirt of the month club, using some of my designs, but also bringing in some more talented graphic artists to create some exclusive T-Shirts from various parts of Kakos Industries. Also, I would love to do a physical version of the Leaked Documents, and maybe even those shareholder certificates I promised back in the ill-fated kickstarter campaign.

To give you an idea what you get individually for supporting us on Patreon, at $1, you become a real, fully fledged shareholder, entitled to everything the announcements bring. At $2, you have entered the Ruin-A-Life Drawing, and you can get your name read in an episode. At $3 you get access to greatly improved and expanded Kakos Industries music in the form of the full length Kakophany I album in your choice of mp3 or FLAC compression. You are also entitled to any other tracks as they get released. At $5, you can access the leaked documents, which take the form of various official memos, missives, logs, or or other documents that shed some light on parts of Kakos Industries that the announcements do not have the time to touch on. At $10, you are invited to chat with me once a month to talk about the show or whatever else. At $20, in addition to everything I’ve just said, you also get your name in the credits of all episodes that come out the following month. At $30-40, we have a number of official, honorary positions available inside Kakos Industries. At $75, we’ll write you into an episode as a character doing something interesting. At $500, we’ll make you a bonus mini episode. There are lots of great options there, and we appreciate all contributions regardless of size. We’re also open to adding things if there’s something in particular you’ve got in mind. To find out more, please head to kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

FInally, I’ve received a lot of emails recently regarding collaborating with us here at Kakos Industries. I am always open to hearing pitches from other creators, so if you’ve got an idea, send it over. Please know that it’s much easier for me to work with a pitch for a whole piece that I can just cut into the show. Also, I could really use the skills of someone with some experience in Public Relations. If you’re interested in working with us in that capacity, please send a message to inquiries@kakosindustries.com and we’ll figure out a way to make it worth your while.

I know this has been a longer cover story, and I appreciate you listening. You are the greatest fans known to mankind. Now back to your regularly scheduled announcements.