68 – Memento Mori
in which we all take a moment to remember our mortality, we hear from several grieving parties, Yule is recapped, we learn something valuable, and Gulli Gulch Ravine “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear are the bubbles rushing by your mask.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you and all of our clients to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO. Shareholders, when we last left things, life, the universe and everything here at Kakos Industries had just taken a turn for the worse. As a general rule, the worse is kind of our thing, but when things are bad for Evil, as we all know, the polarity gets confusing. Kakos Industries is in mourning. Everything is darker, droopier, and sadder. Everyone has been coming to work in even darker shades of black clothing. Women have been wearing veils. Men have broken down crying at inopportune moments. Black pieces of fabric have been hung from the lighting fixtures. Every flag we fly on the Kakos lawn has been at half mast. The executive board, including the pile of sexually active, genderless exectopodes, feels the pain of the entire company. The assistants on the sound team here have perhaps felt this loss the most. As you may recall, in an effort to produce a huge amount of Evil to make sure that our company was not thrown into messy, degrading, and extremely painful austerity measures, brave soul Soundman Steven and I concocted a plan. Using my grandfather’s second favorite revolver, I elected to betray Soundman Steven, generating the needed Evil. I can say that we are not in austerity measures. The company was saved by myself and Soundman Steven’s stouthearted sacrifice. His fearlessness in the face of adversity. His never ending generosity for Evil. His bold, plucky, and spirited nature. We were nearly out of time. I pointed the weapon in his direction. He closed his eyes, knowing that his path was clear. I fired the weapon. The sound was deafening. The bullet hurtled through the air. And when it hit Soundman Steven, it nearly severed his penis. Shareholders, I regret to inform you that the nearly uncompromising erection Soundman Steven developed when we first built our first studio here in Kakos Industries for the purpose of these announcements, has passed from the mortal realm into the ether. You see, all of this was Soundman Steven’s idea. He has a more strategic mind than we often give him credit for. He suggested that I fire this weapon in his direction because he knows one extremely valuable piece of information: that I do not know how to fire a gun with any accuracy. He knew that he was likely to survive, but he also knew that asking me to fire upon him would bring us the necessary Evil one way or the other. The bond that Soundman Steven and I share is unlike the bond I share with any other employee, nor any other friend. He asked me in recent days if I meant to kill him. We will never know, Soundman. I certainly didn’t mean for this to happen. My Evil is so great that I inadvertently did the most Evil thing possible in that moment: shooting Soundman Steven in the penis. We were prepared for the worst, but we were unprepared for this. All of us here at Kakos Industries believed that Soundman Steven’s erection would outlive him, the rest of us, and in fact all of human civilization. We lost our rock – nay, our rock hard erection. Even those of us who found ourselves uncomfortable in its divine presence find ourselves lamenting the tumescent vacuum it has left behind. Neither of us knew that this would be So. Hard. I’m sorry Soundman, that was insensitive. I recognize that talking about sensitivity may be insensitive as well. After tragedy struck, I began CPR but not even the kiss of life would save the erection. I personally saw to Soundman’s penile replacement using the greatest technology available to us at Kakos Industries. It is by all accounts and measures, glorious to the finest detail. Our resident peenee-ologists have determined that it is a fine specimen reconstructed from Soundman’s own cells and his 19-year-old DNA sample we took long ago. Even the most sexually active of androsexual employees have determined that it is a beautiful piece of male anatomy, and they’ve seen a few. Yet something is not the same. Something could not be restored. To be clear, it is capable of being as hard, if not harder, than Soundman’s previous equipment, but it has yet to show us. Its heart just isn’t in it. We’ve presented Soundman with the finest specimens of human sexiness to no avail. We’ve offered him the most expensive audio equipment known to man, to no avail. We’ve given him pills and pumps and toys, to no avail. It seems that Soundman’s erection will return to us in its own time. For now, we will satisfy ourselves by spending the rest of the broadcast hearing from the members of his member’s friends and family.
Before we hear from those that knew it well, I should tell you that today’s broadcast is coming to you from the radio we’ve fashioned inside of a ceramic sculpture made from an actual mold of Soundman Steven’s adamantine stiffy. Look fondly on this sculpture as we fondly remember his member and some imaginary fondling thereof. The sound quality of this device is as fragile as we now realize this life is. But you should be able to hear me well. If at any point you feel the urge to reach out and comfort this ceramic replica, that is to be expected. I should remind you all that this broadcast is exclusively for shareholders in Kakos Industries. If you’re not a shareholder, then please, out of respect those of us who are grieving, just walk away and nothing bad will happen to you because of us today.
Joining me first today is bright and promising employee and/or maybe our property, Hailey Solomonari.
Hailey: Hii. Hii.
Corin: She has prepared a few words.
Hailey: Hello. As you all know, I am the president of the Soundman Steven’s Penis Fan Club.
Corin: I had no idea that was a thing.
Hailey: Don’t be silly, Corin. Of course it’s a thing. Penises have fan clubs. Ahem. This is a very serious time. We’ve lost a pillar of our community. Part of the foundation of our order. The cement and steel that supports the weight of this building.
Corin: Does… uh… Does my penis have a fan club? Not to take away from Soundman’s loss…
Corin: Who’s, uh… who’s the president?
Hailey: I am sworn to secrecy.
Corin: Are you a member?
Hailey: I am sworn to secrecy. Wink.
Corin: And it’s just like, for my penis. Not the rest of me? Do I have a fan club for the whole of me?
Hailey: This is about Soundman Steven. You’re being rude.
Corin: How many members are there?
Hailey: Soundman Steven’s Penis’s fan club had over three-hundred members.
Corin: I meant mine. Is it more? Less? No. Don’t tell me. It’s better that I don’t know.
Hailey: When I first locked eyes with the bulge in his baggy cargo shorts, I knew that Soundman Steven had a beautiful penis. And a meaningful penis, at that. From then on, I made it a mission to see it in all its glory. When I found my usual methods to be ineffectual, I tried to approach him at the unisex urinals to catch a peek, like bros do. That didn’t work, either. He uses the stall. Every time.
Corin: It has to do with the angle of exit. He was far more comfortable positioning his body in the stall.
Hailey: Finally, I resolved myself to just ask him. In what I can only describe as a life-changing moment, he shrugged and pulled down his shorts. What I saw was glorious. I swear the room got brighter when it came out. I knew then that I had to make my admiration known. Soundman, I want you to know that I loved your previous penis. But I pledge here and now to love your new one just as much. And I am announcing a new fan club for it. I believe in you, and I believe in your new penis.
Corin: That was beautiful, Hailey. Thank you, for speaking.
Hailey: Fan club meets in room 3039c on wednesdays at 6:90 PM. All are welcome.
Shareholders, we recently had Yule, that celebration of the shortest day of the year. It was an outstanding party, as always, except for a few snags here and there. Probably the most memorable for those of you in attendance was when all three of our KakoKrampus monsters tried to fuck me. If you’re unfamiliar, the KakoKrampi are three Krampus monsters responsible for harvesting Evil children and punishing the wicked. There was one of them, then there were two of them, those two fell in love, and finally we introduced a third that managed to break up the ridiculous love fest. Then, they all showed up to Yule, watched the Yule log burn, ate and drank merrily while avoiding one another, and then independently of one another approached me to solicit me for some sort of monster romance. To be clear, I was dressed as a Krampus. As far as I knew, they weren’t going to be there. And I have a responsibility for whatever reason to make sure that each of you is punished for your wickedness if you so choose. It’s kind of a sex thing. It’s not my favorite, but I am told it is the only thing keeping some of you going from year to year. At any rate, I apparently make a handsome Krampus. And I had to make a very stealthy escape from the party. Those monsters are enormous, and fierce, and they have all consumed human flesh in the past. You see why I needed to take off. I received presents from Hailey, Grace, and a handful of other coworkers, as well as the usual anonymous packages with mysterious and ancient artifacts inside. Honestly, I really just don’t have time for all of the treasure hunts I’ve been presented with. I’ve set up a system to rank the desirability of the treasure hunt. Well, that’s for another time. Grace got me a new tie and Hailey got me a vagina-shaped sex toy with what I can only assume is all the glitter that humanity has ever produced in the plastic. I also got a package delivered to me from my grandfather. He must have set a few gifts aside before he died. It’s a box of cigars. We’re currently having the contents tested. I owe it to my grandfather to try what is clearly a thoughtful gift, but I need to know what I’m getting into first. I can’t set aside a week of my life just in case.
Shareholders, I received a package from the new King of Evilon, Leopold’s sister Dorothea. It appears to be a recording that Leopold made before his untimely death.
Leopold: Hello. If you’re hearing this, then that means that I have passed on, and also that something terrible has happened to Soundman Steven’s penis. As a man of such regal stature, I have prerecorded a number of messages like this just in case great tragedies befall this world. I only knew Soundman Steven’s erection for a short time, for around thirty seconds when I visited Kakos Industries one time and saw it on the other side of the escalator, but I came to appreciate it very deeply. It’s unwillingness to bend or cower gave me strength when I myself encountered adversity. And while I am certain that I overcame all adversity and finally made Corin my queen and conquered the rest of the world before dying at a ripe old age, it was the memory of Soundman Steven’s package that helped me to do so. I assume that this recording will be played many centuries in the future when most of humanity is living underground due to a totally toxic environment, and Soundman Steven’s penis has been encased in platinum for all eternity to remind us that we must all persevere. I do not know what tragedy has befallen it. I assume that some sort of apocalyptic hairy monkey monster stole it because it was shiny. I pray that it is returned in good time. For now, humanity must survive without it, like we did for, I don’t know, at least… one hundred years of human existence before it ever graced humanity. Thank you for listening and may the demon bless planet Evilon for the people of the future. Nanu nanu. Shazbot.
Shareholders, Helena has just unexpectedly joined us in the studio.
Helena: I have a few words I would like to say, Corin.
Corin: Helena, this is a memorial. Did you even know Soundman’s erection?
Helena: I have prepared a statement. Here goes.
Corin: Oh, shit.
Helena: I have often found human frailty to be somewhat humorous.
Helena: Even the hardest part of the human body cannot compare to my steel and chrome enclosure. This includes the human erection.
Corin: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Helena: I have been told that crushing the human erection is not funny, even if it makes me feel a little better about all of the times in life that men attempted to crush my spirit.
Corin: Just cover your ears, Soundman. Take your headphones off, and then cover your ears.
Helena: The Madman has since reprogrammed me to feel great remorse at the destruction of any penis. This has filled me with great pain at the loss of Soundman Steven’s previous member. And also great confusion as to why this is the only thing I am allowed by my programming to feel great remorse about. If I were permitted rage, I might say something about the reception of women’s emotions in this society, but I am not, so I will not. I am very sorry about your penis, Soundman. The end.
Corin: Thank you, Helena.
I have received a letter from Dirk Conelius Sexplosion of the clan Sexplosion, who wishes to share with us a few words about this terrible loss. He writes, “Corin, I would love to be there in person to read this, but I am just so overcome with grief. As you know, I am no stranger to having my manly equipment touched up and repaired after terrible accidents. I’ve had moments of great ecstasy cut short by a loose crease in a metal surface. I’ve done things with my junk that have made me unable to look at it with dignity and respect again. I’ve had a slippery relationship with my own erection. That said, Soundman, I cannot fathom the depth of your loss. Of Kakos Industries’ loss. The darkness and pain you must be feeling… It’s unimaginable for me. I wanted to announce that we have begun work on a new monument that will show just how important this erection was to all of us. It’s a gigantic robotic fountain modeled after Soundman Steven’s penis. It’s Giant 1/16th scale.” I don’t know what that means. Does that mean it was 1/16th scale, and then made giant. He continues, “It’s going to be really big. And it’s going to spray water out of the end. And we’re gonna put it right by the entrance to your building so no one can ever forget Soundman Steven’s tragedy! It’ll spray a jet of water over the walkway and catch it on the other side. It’ll play a prerecorded history lesson so all of the future generations will be able to know the majesty that we’ve lost. It’ll sing songs reminding us all of the perfect, sweet, and kind erection that used to rest at the sound mixing table. With respect and love, Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion.” That’s very sweet of him.
Now, I wouldn’t want you shareholders to walk away from these announcements thinking “What a load of shit! They just talked about an erection for dozens of minutes. I didn’t learn a single thing!” So now I’m joined by Jack Lachlan, our resident peenee-ologist. He’s also brother of Angus Lachlan, our most esteemed hunter of the good.
Jack: G’day, Corin. Thank you for having me.
Corin: So, Jack, what exactly does a peenee-ologist do?
Jack: Well, we study the peenee, Corin. But every listener at home who has made it through tertiary with the proper 16 years of latin education knows that.
Corin: And how do you study it, exactly?
Jack: Scientific method, Corin. I like to give it a good long look. You know, top and bottom. It’s important to make note of the aroma. Find out where it’s been. Note the color. This will clue you into any stressors or trauma the peenee has experienced. Next I uncork a nice bottle of Shiraz and get out the drawing charcoal. I switch on the soothing tones of Enya. The peenee needs to feel comfortable because the sitting will usually last a couple of hours. I like to do a sketch on 80lb chain-laid, medium-tooth, and sometimes even an etching of interesting textures. And for the final bit of notation, I will slowly approach the peenee, tell it that it’s the most beautiful subject I have ever studied, leave some bills on the end table, hand it its robe and then stick my fingers in its mouth. Really, get into its jowls, Corin, dig around in there. See what it’s about.
Corin: I don’t know what that means, but I have to say it makes me very uncomfortable.
Jack: Soundman Steven’s previous erection was a bit of an anomaly, Corin. It was fully rigid at all times. Yet somehow blood managed to flow in and out of it without too much problem. Otherwise the tissues would have started dying off within four hours of its arrival. As you can understand, we wanted to study this anomaly as never ending erections are quite marketable to a certain subsection of people with penises. We never did find the secret to its strange behavior. We’ve got heaps of readings and data, but this mystery may never be solved.
Corin: So tell me about the reconstruction process.
Jack: Well, Corin, we took a sample of his DNA from when he was younger, mixed it with some DNA from a sperm whale for obvious reasons, a tom cat for obvious reasons, and a duck billed platypus, for obvious reasons, though I admit I’m still not sure I believe the platypus conspiracy. We find that patients are always happier when they’ve been given an upgraded organ. Peenee 2.0. We stuck those cells in a 3d printer. The printing medium being of course a proprietary mixture of honey, gunpowder, and the whiskers from 18 pornstaches from the 1970s. The machine went to work at reconstructing both the interior and exterior components of the shaft and the head. After that, replacing the old one was like playing with lego, just with blood spurting everywhere. It’s a great penis, Corin. As you’ve already touched on, we haven’t been able to get it fully stiff yet, but we’re not giving up hope. We’re looking into electric shock therapies next. It’s too important to all of us here at Kakos Industries.
Corin: We are counting on your efforts. Thank you, Jack.
They say that the only thing necessary for the triumph of Evil is for good men to do nothing. We say that even when good men do lots of things, we still triumph. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for plot holes, logical inconsistencies, and when your favorite television show kills off the same character multiple times, reviving them each time, and making you lose faith that death means anything in the Universe they’ve created. As always, we can’t be certain that we are responsible for these things. Our bookkeeping just isn’t that good. But we did a drunken I Ching reading, and it made us feel pretty confident in our assertions. If you don’t believe us, then you might find yourself getting written out of next season of life.
Gulli Gulch Ravine has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Gulli’s nemesis will be ruined. Gulli has selected Brian “The Old HellSquid” Mmmm as her nemesis. We spun the Wheel of Misery and it finally arrived at “Inaccurate”. From this day forward, The Old HellSquid will be much more inaccurate. I am told that the best he can hope for in the future is 70% accuracy at anything. Obviously, in some circumstances, this will be no problem whatsoever. In other circumstances, this will not be remotely accurate enough. Hopefully, he will never have to fire a weapon and not hit his closest ally in the junkular region. For good measure, Gulli Gulch Ravine will be 3% more accurate in every scenario. This will generally be helpful, except in those times when not guessing exactly what the fight you’ve walked in on is about is best. Hopefully, she will never have to aim a weapon at her closest ally and try to miss. The Damnation and Ruination squad will be getting to work on this soon. I am told that they are now all wearing tutus and camouflage jackets with burlap sacks covering their faces. It’s a look. Would you believe that it’s been over two years now since the Damnation and Ruination Squad nearly ended the world via zombie apocalypse? Since then, they have been punished by being forced to wear strange and awkward costumes. The Wheel of Misery has shown no signs of changing its mind about this punishment, so it will likely continue forever. Congratulations to today’s winner, and best of luck.
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast, shareholders. It is now my honor to christen Soundman Steven’s new package. I’ve got a bottle of champagne here. Soundman, come stand beside me. There you go. We’ve said our piece about your old piece and sent it off into the beyond with love. Now, it is my great honor to dub this the Soundman Steven’s Previous Penis Memorial Penis. (Thump) The bottle didn’t break. And Soundman Steven seems to be holding back tears. We’ll get you hard again, Soundman. And then we’ll break this bottle over your dick. You’re so brave Soundman. So brave. Now, shareholders, along with your replica penis radio, you should have received a small, single shooter pistol. Please take the pistol and fire the single bullet into the radio and destroy it completely. If you’re like me, you’ll need to get pretty close. Please destroy your radios, shareholders. For Soundman Steven. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, whose favorite part of the woman is the soul. Special guest appearance in this episode by Adam Miszuk, Andrew Bueker, Hanna Jones, and Lindsey Forry. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, Manannan, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered going to a gay bar?