63 – Ohh Ahh
in which the Cult of Ohh Ahh makes an appearance, the Celebration of Books is recapped, preparations are made for Halloween, Corin gets some heartfelt advice, Kimmie finds something new to do, and Penny Lobe “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawin. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear may make your clothes feel tight. Or your skin.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we specialize in helping our clients to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. Shareholders, you have probably heard by now that we are under siege. It’s… not as bad as last time, this is true. Still, it makes me uncomfortable to be coming to you from such a scenario. It seems that after I gave my little speech to the Cult of Ohh Ahh two broadcasts ago, they have decided to join us here at the main branch. If your memory isn’t working correctly, then let me remind you that the Cult of Ohh Ahh are the people who have begun to follow around our renegade sex toy. They refer to the sex toy as the Prophet Bazzizzazizz-ahhh. Last we heard, they had taken over Christ Hole, Texas. Then I told them that their prophet was false and that we at Kakos Industries had built it. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this sounded like an invitation to meet the creators of their Prophet. It took them a while to get motivated and to travel. I’m sure that they stopped at every opportunity to have sex and do basically nothing else. It’s a moderate Evil to be sure. Just so light, really. At any rate, the entire building here is now mobbed with these good for nothing cultists. They’ve been here for days, just taking over the place. Our productivity has dropped to nothing as all of my employees are now much more concerned with their sexual awakening than anything they’re supposed to be doing. But I suppose I can get into that more later.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a new Audiophile ++ Headphone Amplifier and Radio Tuner, which is plugged into some fine Audiophile ++ Dark Megahogany Headphones. As you might expect, the usual model of this particular headphone amplifier does not contain a radio transmitter. That was added specially for this broadcast. Like most Audiophile ++ products, to ordinarily get your hands on this amplifier and set of headphones you would have to wait until someone sought you out to buy them, and the the price may consist of your less necessary organs. This is a luxurious sound, and I think we can all agree that hearing my voice reading these announcements is exactly the right thing to test the sound quality of this technology. Just lay back and let the sound surround you. Sink into my voice. Allow the lines between you and the waves to blur. Of course, if you aren’t a Kakos Industries Shareholder, these announcements are not for you. And in a few seconds my voice will shift into an entirely different sound that will lull you into a sound sleep. One from which you will not awaken.
We recently had the Celebration of Books. This occupation by the Cult of Ohh Ahh had already begun, so things were a lot more sexual. The Lusty Alewife and Sex Ideas for the Foursome that has Literally Tried Everything were both well received by the attendees. Way better received than we had expected. People pretty much immediately started following the instructions from the latter and emulating the scenarios from the former. And that was before the authors could finish their readings. You shareholders in attendance definitely had expanded minds and the inclination to use them. No one found the book with the power to transport you to a magical land. It seems as though most of the attendees might have been satisfied with the magic land of their creation. A magical land of sex. I was happy to see everyone getting so involved with one another in such a selfish way. I was not happy, however, to see everyone ignoring the shelves of Evil tomes. There were some really good ones, too. Ones that we don’t just wheel out for every Celebration of Books.
Shareholders, coming up once again is Halloween. I know you’ve probably been planning your costumes since last year, so I probably don’t have to remind you of this event. Due to the general inefficiency around our office at this time, we will not be able to have multiple days of festivities this year, but we will be able to throw one gigantic party with a number of different events going on in and around the building. We’ll have room for dancing in the basement ballroom. We’ll have room for carnival games on our carnival lawn. We’ll be set up to scare everyone on the spooky lawn. And we have many other surprises in store for you. I’ve even heard it suggested that we have a room set up for pajamas and watching halloween movies. That’s not my ideal situation, but I suppose we can make room for that as well. Hopefully everyone will be over this sexual liberation stuff by then and we’ll be able to enjoy the party as usual. We’ll have some spaces open for sex just in case, I suppose.
So far, there has been no sign of our renegade sex toy around the building. It is no doubt doing its thing somewhere. Our uptight employees are no doubt expanding their minds and experiencing life-changing emotional releases. Everyone else is enjoying the cultists themselves. Some of them are quite appealing, I do have to say. Some of this is set, by the way, to the poetry of one shareholder, a beat poet or something going by Fetty or Feddy Lax. Something like that. He’s standing in one of the most echoic sections of the building reciting a number of dark-themed poems that seem to pervade the building. We tried to remove him, but apparently he set up an appointment to read poetry like this over three years ago, and there is nothing we can do to deny him that.
I was stopped on my way to my office yesterday by one of my colleagues. It was Bernice Largo, a young employee who works on my support staff. I could tell from her eyes that the Cult of Ohh Ahh had already gotten to her. She looked happy. And her hair was all messed up. Still, she is a valued colleague, so when she wants to talk, I usually make time. We sat down in the waiting room for my office. She started by saying, “I’m worried about your sex life, Corin.” I think I knew where this was going. We have a fairly lax view on sex here at Kakos Industries. That much should be obvious if you’ve been a shareholder for a while. Our employees are welcome to pair off and do whatever the hell they want whenever they want. As long as it is on one of their breaks. We even allow bosses and underlings to have sexual relationships. Partially because power play turns a lot of us on, and also because we do our best to divorce management from the decisions to promote and give special treatment. They’re involved in those decisions, for sure, but there are also several other anonymous employees at the meetings. And some dice rolling. And some robes. It’s a long story, but it works pretty well. We might like sex, but our company would fall apart if you were able to fuck your way to the top. And I would say everyone knows that, so it’s hard to lie about it. Roleplay is easy. Actually misleading is hard. We also have a number of sex workers on staff. They are usually sex educators and sex therapists of the hands-on variety. There’s a couple, the Drs. Feelie, that have offered their services to me on a number of occasions. And then we have the Kakos Industries groupies. If you’ve ever come down to the main branch here during business hours, then you have probably seen some of them. They are people who find the idea of the Evil we do here to be particularly arousing and they hang around the place looking to have sex with each other, or with those of us who work here. Right now there’s two of them just sort of in the corner of my recording studio playing around with each other. You’re not cultists are you? They’re shaking their heads no. We’ve already agreed that they would keep quiet, no matter what level of gratification they experience. So I told Bernice that my sex life was just fine. She responded by saying, “Are you sure?” I said yes. Obviously. I’m not abstinent or anything, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then she asked me, “why haven’t you had sex with any of your secretaries?” I laughed. “They have work to do,” I responded. She looked at two out of the three secretaries. One of them chimed in saying, “I have literally no work to do. I assumed I was here just waiting to take care of any sexual needs you might have.” Bernice winked at her. “It’s not in her job description, Corin, but it’s why she’s here. This one, too,” she said. The other secretary nodded. Bernice continued, “it’s why I hired them. They’re supposed to take care of you. Unofficially.” Shareholders, I have just recently found out about this. Apparently there are a number of people on the staff her at Kakos Industries for whom sex is not in their job description, but it’s basically assumed to be their responsibility. It’s why I have three secretaries and only one of them does any work. I always just assumed that she was in charge of the other two or something. Like a chain of command kind of thing. I told Bernice that I’m not my grandfather. And I’m not comfortable seeking relief for my sexual urges every time they arrive. I have work to do, and sex can be a distraction. You see, shareholders, I will fight for the idea that sex is Evil. It’s ours. The good saw fit to shame and ridicule and ostracize on sexual grounds, so we got it. And we’re not giving it up. That doesn’t mean it’s the be-all-end-all of Evil. And that doesn’t mean that it can’t get in the way of more important Evils. As you can imagine, shareholders, every stroke of my pen on my desk carries with it the gravitas of more Evil than most of you will achieve in a month. I don’t mean to disparage you, but that’s a fact. And having sex in between, that’s just keeping me from those Evil pen strokes. “We worry that you’re developing too much Evil, Corin.” She said. “Evil is our business, but you have to walk that fine line between Evil and chaos.” This concern has been raised before, shareholders. That I let my Evil take over too often and it gets in the way of my abilities to lead. I am, of course, just fine. She continued, “you have to let that Evil out. For all of us. You have to lighten up. You have to change. Let go.” At this point in the conversation, I started to feel uncomfortable. I told her I would consider what she told me. She accepted that and left. The first secretary, her name is Janine, stood up at her desk and said, “sooooo…” She rocked back and forth on her feet awkwardly. I told her I had work to do, and some things to think about. To which she responded, “I haven’t worn underwear at all in the last year I’ve been here.” She then sort of waited expectantly. I just kind of walked into my office after that. I would hate to think that I might have some sexual hangups. I mean, where would they have come from. The environment around me is so pro-sex I don’t know how it could be possible. It’s been something to think about, for sure.
We did as Melantha asked and we set that box of her things on fire. We didn’t really have any need for the stuffed animal. I’m sure there’s a story there, but it’s not a story anyone here knows, or is willing to tell me. It did burn really well. I took a video. I had the thought that maybe we should send the box back even after she told us to burn it, but I figured it might be best to just let this lie.
Shareholders, I feel like this is one of those broadcasts that has been mostly spent on distractions here in the building, so before we get too off-track, let’s just get through some quick updates. Project Capybara is going really well for those of you who know what that is. Handcuffs for teeth are moving into a second revision. We’ve also developed a cheaper alternative to the blood so many rely on for writing creepy letters. We switched from pigs to blood pigs. Also, we invented blood pigs. I’ll let your imagination do the work there. We’ve also hybridized oranges and potatoes. No one asked for that, but we did it. Now we get to look at the hybrid and just think, wow that is an abomination that we’ve made there. It’s a nice feeling. We’ve also improved the process for making hair into paper. If you’re into that sort of thing. And also we discovered a way to help people burn fat by setting their fat on fire. It’s unpleasant for sure. If you’ve never had a toasted marshmallow toasted to perfection off of someone’s burning fat, then you are missing out friends. It’s a kind of irony that is so rare in this life.
The interns around here have been kind of depressed since the Cult of Ohh Ahh descended upon us. Kimmie, the woman who somehow miraculously kept them all in one big relationship with her seems to have jumped ship. We haven’t seen her, but the tracker embedded in her shows that she is somewhere in the giant circus tent outside that many of the cult members live in. I hope that she has found some relief there. Maggie could not be reached for comment as she seems to be just doing work. Like normal. Not going through some sort of mystical depression that gives you super powers allowing you to woo an entire paycode. They don’t get paid, but they still have to log their hours. It’s a whole… thing. I hope that Kimmie has found a solution to her problems in that tent. At this point, I’m kind of thinking that maybe she just needs to get over this breakup. They were awesome, don’t get me wrong, but is any couple really that awesome? How many movies do you ever see about couples that just stay together? Not many.
As many of the cultists as we’ve seen running around recently, the renegade sex toy has been hidden. We assume that it’s been busy somewhere, but the cultists themselves seem to be good at converting people all on their own. I have not witnessed the technique myself. They have offered to show me in a way that I find comfortable, but I’ve declined. What would it mean if I as CEO needed them to show me something like this. Shouldn’t I know Evil? I should. And I do.
They say that Evil plays a mean fiddle. And that it also plays all other instruments well. And it is in fact working through each musician as they play music. And it is the only reason music exists. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for that particular alcohol you can’t drink any more for reasons, that food that inexplicably turns your stomach, and persistent nausea. As always, we can’t know for sure that we caused these things, but we’re pretty confident about our involvement. If you disagree, then prepare to have an upset stomach. Followed by retching. And then death. Please be careful.
Penny Lobe has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Penny Lobe’s nemesis will be ruined. Penny has selected Derek Gnome as her target. We spun the wheel of misery and it arrived at “Warlike”. From this day forward, Derek Gnome will be more warlike, which I assume means that he will be more violent or something. Just going to war over every damn thing. It’s going to mess some things up in his life. For good measure, Penny Lobe will also be a little bit more warlike. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast. Wait a second…
Corin: The renegade sex toy is in the recording studio now shareholders. Has it been here a while? Was it just under a sheet? It’s in bad shape. It’s breaking down. It looks like it might be able to work with maybe one more person before it calls it quits. I feel… What if there’s something better on the other end of this? Like I let it do its thing on me? What if I can really let go of shame and regret and just live and do Evil while happy? What if this is something I need in my life? This toy. What if I need what it does.
Helena: I have come to save you, Corin.
Corin: Helena, where did you come from?
Helena: I will take on this Evil for you, Corin.
Corin: For real, it’s not going to do anything unless you want it to. And what if I need this, Helena.
Helena: Look how selfless I am, Corin. Taking a bullet for you. That’s what I’m doing. So selfless.
Corin: Please be careful. We never tested it on anyone with a robotic body before.
Helena: Oh no. How will I ever survive its many specialized sexual attachments and experienced touch.
Corin: Shareholders, we have to end the broadcast here.
Helena: I have prepared myself.
Corin: The numbers are next.
Helena: I am ready to do this selfless thing.
Corin: 18. 44. 19.
Helena: You have to watch, Corin. To know what I have done in your stead. How I have saved you.
Corin: 2. I will save you the sounds, shareholders. Cut the feed, soundman.
Helena: oh ah oh ah oh ooh
Corin: Destroy your radios, shareholders!
Helena: Oh ah ooh ooh
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently garbling the transmission. Special guest appearance in this episode by Lindsey Forry. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
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If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered frittered critters?